Month 1

Jacob

I have no idea what I was doing. Well I mean, I know what I was doing. Working, eating, having sex. The normal things people do. But I was doing the same thing every single day and it was never the same people.

Leah had come over one night after I had just finished cleaning the place up after dinner. I was about to head into town to see if anyone was still around.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as she let herself in the front door. It had only been two weeks since Nessie took off. I hadn't heard from her. Hadn't heard from Bella. Not that I wanted to hear from either of them. I would like to know if she was still alive and well but at this point, I didn't even think I would care. I tried really hard to forget about what happened but I don't think that's in the cards for me. I was always going to be obsessed with her and she knew it.

She knew she could get right under my skin. We had a bond that many people never got. I could feel everything she felt. I knew when she was sad or lonely or just needed a friend. I was always the person she came to when she needed comfort. I had no idea why it would be any different if we were in a romantic relationship. I was still willing to be those things for her. I would be willing to be whatever she wanted.

I knew I wanted her in my life. I wanted her to love me like I loved her. I wanted her to care for me how I cared for her. It was a hard pill to swallow knowing that I wasn't that person for her. That I would have killed people if she asked me to. As toxic as that is. I would have gone to the ends of Earth to make sure that she was happy. I wanted nothing more than for her to be happy.

I wasn't sure why I wasn't able to let her go. Why I couldn't realize that her going out into the world to travel was so she could be happy.

"Checking on you." She answered, setting a 6 pack of beer and a bottle of wine down on the table. "Wanted to make sure you hadn't totally gone off the deep end." I sighed leaning against the counter and crossing my arms while she sat down.

"I'm fine."

"Well Seth said you look like shit." She answered, grabbing the bottle of wine. I reached into a drawer to grab her a corkscrew and then grabbed her a wine glass. We didn't keep many around since I mostly drank beer but her and Sue were around enough to keep a few handy.

"Seth needs to mind his business." She rolled her eyes at me. Seth had happily been in a relationship for 3 years now.

"Seth is making sure his best friend is okay." She answered as she poured the wine into the glass. I sighed. I knew everyone was worried but I really did feel like I would be able to handle this alone. She sighed before lifting the glass to her lips and looking at me. "That's not the only reason I'm here." It only took a few gulps of her wine until the glass is empty and then she refills it.

"Then why are you here?" I asked.

"I just wanted to warn you that Seth is proposing tomorrow at the cookout." I had been suspecting that he was going to be proposing soon. He never brought it up to me but I knew he wanted to get married.

"Why would you need to warn me?" I grabbed one of the beers and opened it.

"Because you're heartbroken and vulnerable right now. He didn't want to upset you."

"I wouldn't be upset about that. I was never going to marry Renesmee. Just gotta figure out how to get that through my thick skull."

"She hurt you, Jake. Sometimes you can't just move on. Let us help you." I didn't want to be helped. I didn't want to drag everyone down with me. I knew that Leah had been hurt like this once before. Hell I should be looking to her for comfort but she was finally in a place where she was happy with where her life was, I wasn't going to be the guy who brought up old memories for her.

"I'm fine." She sighed. Even I wasn't believing the words anymore. "I'm happy for him." I hated the way she was looking at me. With pity. I didn't want anyone's pity. "Don't look at me like that." I groaned.

"Like what?"

"Pity. You pity me."

"Jacob, we all pity you." I laughed and shook my head. "It's okay to love her. It's also okay if you let her go."

"It just sucks." I shrugged. "I get it. Trust me, I get it. She needs to find out who she is. But she didn't have to play me like that."

"I know."

"I just wanted her to pick me."

"It's not about picking you."

"Let me rephrase. I wanted her to want me like I want her." Then I realized, with Seth proposing, there were going to be parties. Engagement party, rehearsal dinner, a whole ass wedding that Edward and Bella would most likely be invited to since Charlie and Sue got married a few years ago. "Fuck!" I shouted, throwing my head back. Leah didn't say a word as I debated with myself in my head. I wanted to be there for Seth. I would most likely be his best man but I wanted Edward and Bella to stay as far away from me as possible. There would be no reason to interact with them. I hadn't talked to either of them in weeks. I even went as far to block all of their numbers. The only way they would be able to reach me is if they came to the house or the garage. But Sam made sure that they knew that they were not welcome.

"It's not going to be easy." Leah commented.

"I know. But we need to be happy for Seth." I was going to try my best.

The next day at the cookout, I was standing at the grill with Paul and Jared. Seth had proposed just an hour ago and both of them looked so happy. It made me want to stab myself in the neck with a fork.

I don't want anyone to think that I wasn't happy for him, because I am. I want nothing more than for my friends to be happy. But, I'm allowed to be happy for him and sad for myself. I had never been through a breakup. Let alone one that felt like I was dying. I had been trying really hard to somehow break the bond but I'm almost positive there wasn't a way. She would have to be the one who rejects it. Not me. Sometimes I wish that I had just walked away when I had the chance. I never should have stuck around when Bella was pregnant. I should have just gone home and pretended like nothing was going on over there. Or better yet, I wish she had been a boy.

"Look how happy they are." Paul commented as he flipped over the steak. I grumbled in response and took a chug from my beer. I really didn't want to be surrounded by couples. Even Leah brought a date. The damn traitor.

"I remember being that happy." Jared commented. Jared and Kim were on baby number four and they keep swearing this is the last one. But they've been saying that since they had their child. "Back when we had sex every night and didn't have to worry about a kid walking in."

"Tell me about it." Paul commented. I didn't really want to hear about my sisters sex life. Or lack thereof. "I get shot down every single time unless it's 1am and the kids are asleep." I couldn't imagine having to fuck on a schedule. That would suck. I just do what I want. I was gonna need more beer.

Thankfully, Leah sat with me while we ate. Jared and Paul were too busy helping take care of their kids and Seth was off with his Fiancee. Rachel came over and kissed my head.

"How are you holding up?" She asked. I shrugged. Today wasn't about me. I wanted Seth to know that he was supported and that we were all happy for him.

"Fine." I answered. I hated the hovering. Every single day someone was over checking on me. Seth worked with me so he was able to "keep an eye on me" but at least one person from the pack would come to visit every single day. It was getting annoying. I took a sip from my beer and looked at her over my shoulder.

"Paul wants to have sex tonight." I said to her.

"Jesus Christ, Jacob!" She said. "How inappropriate." I rolled my eyes. She married the most pervert out of everyone. "Watch my children and he will."

"Please, Jacob!" He whined from the other side of the yard.

"No thanks." He whined while she rolled her eyes.

"And what about you?" I looked at her confused. "Being safe?"

"You know I'm a grown man right?" I asked.

"Yeah. A grown man who just got his heart broken and will sleep with anything that has a vagina and a pulse." I groaned. I didn't really need her giving me the talk. Let alone the fact that I was being safe. Just because you have a lot of sexual partners does not mean that you're being unsafe. "I'm just saying, Jake. Now would not be a good time to bring a child into this."

"You do not need to worry about me." I was going to figure out how to move on from her. No matter how hard it was. I was going to move on.

I was going through the motions of life. I ate when I was supposed to eat. I slept when I was supposed to sleep. I went to work when I was supposed to work. Every single day. Trying to get her out of my brain.

And I was drowning.

I didn't just lose her. I lost one of my best friends. Bella had been my friend for 20 years. A friendship that I never thought I would lose. This is the longest we've gone without talking in 18 years. There once was a point in my life where I would have died if she wasn't my friend. And now, we don't speak at all. I don't know if she's tried to reach out. I blocked her anyway. I knew that she would always stand by Nessie. Of course she would, that was her daughter. It just hurts that I lost them both at the exact same time.

Maybe we could have made it work. I could have tried harder. I could have somehow convinced them to get me a plane ticket to wherever she was. But I knew she didn't want that. She didn't want me. It was something that I felt I was never going to come to terms with. I would always long for her.

I was leaning against the sink hanging my head.

"Jake?" I heard someone call from the front door. "Are you home?" Then there was a knocking.

"Kenzie? What are you doing here?" I opened the door for her.

"Uh." She looked out the door and then back at me. "My car broke down. And your house is the only one I know." She said stepping into the house.

"How far down the road?" I asked.

"Like a mile. I don't know." She shrugged. She was one of the many that I slept with. I just happened to be sober when we did it. Everyone else I met at a bar and was drunk out of my mind.

"Okay. Well, let's head over to my garage, I'll grab the tow truck and we'll go get it okay?"

"Okay." She smiled. "Thank you." I grabbed my keys and we both headed to my car. This was so fucking awkward. I swear to god I was going to die. The ride was silent. As soon as I got to the garage, I pulled to the side to get the tow truck.

"Do you want to come or do you wanna stay here?"

"I'll come." She climbed into the truck beside me and directed me to where her car was. I pulled in front of it and immediately started getting it hooked up to tow back to the garage. "Do you think it's gonna be expensive?" She asked once I climbed back into the truck and headed back to the garage.

"Not sure yet." I answered. "Were any lights on?" I asked.

"The check engine came on and then it just died." I nodded, back the truck up to the garage and getting the car off.

"I'm gonna take a quick look at it. You can head inside." I commented, unlocking the front door for her. As far as I could tell it just overheated. I locked the car before heading inside to her. "Just overheated." I commented, wiping my hands off. "Do you need a ride home?" I asked.

"Please. If it's not too much trouble."

"Not at all." I answered, locking the doors and heading back to my car. She was silent as I pulled onto the street.

"You never called." She said. I tried to keep my breathing even. I did not want to be having this conversation right now.

"I'm sorry. There's been a lot going on." I commented.

"Or there's someone else." She shrugged. "I get it."

"It's a long story." I gripped the steering wheel. I was going to have a mental breakdown. I couldn't keep thinking about it. It was going to kill me. Maybe talking to an outside party would help but I'm sure this girl did not want to hear about my problems with the love of my life and know that she was just a rebound. One of many.

"You don't have to explain anything to me." Good. Because I wasn't going to. I sighed.

"I'm sorry I didn't call. You deserve more than that. I just… Didn't want to bring you down with me. I have a lot going on. Like I said."

"Right." It was no secret that my dad had passed. Most of the town had come to his services. What no one knew was that my imprint had dumped me in the worst way someone could be dumped. I was never going to get over it. I knew that much. I knew it was going to be difficult.

"I don't want to talk about it." I commented. She gave me directions to her house. I parked in her driveway but she didn't make a move to get out. "I'll check out the car tomorrow and let you know what's wrong. I'll see if I can get it fixed for you. I'll give you a quote first." She nodded.

"Thank you." She commented. She opened the car door and hopped out but kept her door open. She looked at me. "Call me if you ever wanna get your mind off the girl who didn't know how to love you." She closed the door and headed inside. I made sure she got in before slamming my hands on the steering wheel. If I didn't pull away right now I was going to go ring this poor girls doorbell and ruin her whole life.

I drove away. I drove slow. Not really needing to be anywhere. Just let my thoughts run. I was never going to move on. Ever.

Wherever she was, I hope she was miserable.