The Nightingale
Chapter 80: Miyako
Excerpts from Miyako's diary, discretion advised.
Year x487 – May 20
The invitation to join the queen's court arrived this morning and I'm truly thrilled but scared at the thought of leaving my home to move to Adelaar Castle. My father says that belonging to the Queen's Court is a privilege that few ladies have, and that only the most graceful are invited to be part of it. The queen is in charge of the education of all of them and when their stay there ends, some are sent to Entabeni and some more are engaged to important lords.
My mother is happy for me, she didn't go to the queen's court when she was young but she is happy that I'm going because I'm my father's daughter. My older brother says I'll get out of there engaged to a great military man, and I don't know if that's good or bad.
My dad is the military chief of Zhilen and I guess it's not bad to get engaged to a military man but I don't want to get married, I want to go to Entabeni to study.
Year x487 – June 20
Adelaar Castle is huge and incredibly beautiful. I never imagined that there were such large gardens or so many corridors, or so many buildings together. My father accompanied me on the trip because he had to talk to the king about important matters, he didn't tell me which ones, but they must be important if he had to travel to the capital.
At the entrance to the castle we were greeted by a woman who introduced herself as the Kahya. My father explained to me that she was the second most important woman in the place after the queen, so I told myself that I would try not to make her angry even though she seemed nice.
I hope she's as kind as she seems.
I said goodbye to my father and the Kahya guided me through the place to the queen's area, which is where I'm going to stay along with the other girls who were invited to the Queen's Court. The place is incredibly big and I feel like I could easily get lost.
The room is huge, there are many beds but there are only four of us in here.
I thought the queen's court would be bigger.
Year x487 – June 21
The Kahya took us to be introduced to the queen, myself and the other three girls, and as we stood in the hall, I could see little girls coming out of the queen's room. They could not have been more than ten years old, but they talked about how beautiful the queen is and that they would learn a lot while they were at court.
Perhaps they will also be part of the court.
Now that I remember, the princesses must be the same age as those girls, maybe that's why they called them.
Queen Masaki is very beautiful, she has a kind smile and a very pretty voice. She explained to us what we would do there, she said that we would have to go to classes and that one day a week we would have free to do what we wanted inside or outside the castle, as well as one day to serve her and spend the whole day with her; we will also accompany her to some important events.
I had never imagined that I could spend a whole day with the queen! It's amazing and just thinking about it makes me nervous. I'm afraid of doing it wrong and embarrassing the queen.
I hope the Deities are taking care of me.
The queen also told us that Prince Kaien still sleeps in that area and that we were forbidden to go up to the floor intended for members of the royal family. I guess it's okay, if I were a princess I wouldn't want to be pestered all the time.
Before leaving the queen's room, which was very nice and big, the queen explained something to us that scared me a little.
She told us about the Inamoratas and their rules, the gifts that were sent, what happened when they were accepted, and what happened when the time was up. I couldn't help but think that we were only there so that Prince Kaien could choose between us who he would take to bed.
I'm really scared. I don't want him to see me, I don't want the fate that awaits those girls. It is awful.
Year x487 – June 25
Yesterday was the presentation ball but rather, it was the summer ball and the queen used it to introduce us to the king and to Prince Kaien. I hadn't seen him before, but when I saw him I realized that he is as young as I am and he seemed to be uncomfortable because he was playing with a napkin.
Surely he knows that we are for him to choose and he is not comfortable with that.
Mila, one of the girls with me in court, says that Prince Kaien is going to be engaged to the Peace Councilor's daughter when they make the principalities of the Kingdom official.
I feel sorry for him, because he is obliged to be with one person for life and he cannot choose her. Being a prince is not as nice as it seems.
During the dance I noticed that the prince seems comfortable with Nelliel, another of the court girls, maybe they are friends or they know each other because they were both laughing while dancing.
The prince danced with all the little ladies of the court, and I was the last. I think my presence makes him uncomfortable because he avoided looking at my face or maybe he was a little drunk because his cheeks were rosy.
Up close, the prince is very handsome, with green eyes and black hair, and I'm sure when I saw him laugh with Nelliel a small dimple formed in his cheek.
Year x487 – July 14
I just realized that almost every day, since the day of the dance, when I start writing, I write: "I saw Prince Kaien in the corridor today", but I always see him in the corridor. He greets us all, wishes us a good day and leaves.
Sometimes when I walk alone and we meet in the corridor, he greets me wishing me a good day, but every time he seems to trip on the rug. It's funny to see how he blushes and walks away embarrassed.
Year x487 – August 22
I don't know how to feel today.
My heart is pounding so hard I'm afraid it's going to burst out of my chest, my cheeks ache from smiling, and my face feels so red it could easily look like an apple.
I was in the music room, practicing on the piano, when I noticed Prince Kaien standing in the doorway and staring at me. I got nervous and was going to stand up to greet him properly, when he came up to me with a smile and asked me to play for him the melody I was playing earlier.
I tried, I swear to the Deities I tried, but the closeness of the prince made my fingers clumsy. I felt so embarrassed at that moment that I wanted to throw myself off the cliff, but the prince just smiled and made me blush even more. Just remembering it makes my heart race and my cheeks feel hot again.
The prince sat next to me, took my hand and prevented me from further torturing the piano with my clumsy fingers. He started playing a really nice melody and when he finished he told me to learn it because he wants to hear me play it.
I could only mumble a "yes" before the prince walked out of there.
Now I have a problem, I don't remember what the melody was like because in my mind there is only the prince's smile and the warmth of his hand.
Year x487 – September 7
Every time I see the prince in the corridors, I feel like I'm going to die of a heart attack and feel my cheeks burn. My poor heart can't resist seeing his smile that is so beautiful and that reaches his eyes making him seem truly happy to see me.
Now I'm the one who seems a little nervous when he wishes me a good day.
I don't know why I'm thinking about it so much, but I really like doing it.
I try to remember the melody and I can't, I fear for the day when the prince will ask me if I learned to play it and my fingers become clumsy again.
Year x487 – October 20
Today there was a lot of noise in the queen's area, all of Prince Kaien's personal things were moved from his room to another place. The Kahya says that it is because the prince is going to reach the age limit to be in the queen's area and must take his place in the king's area.
That made my heart feel a little discouraged because I wouldn't see the prince so often anymore. I should be happy because I wouldn't turn completely red anymore and my heart wouldn't jump out of my chest at the sight of him, but it's not like that.
While I was thinking that I would no longer see Prince Kaien and his beautiful smile all the time, Nell asked me to go out with her that afternoon to the city. She is the queen's protégé and we were allowed to leave the castle with an escort including Nell's older brother. Ulquiorra is a soldier and he is always serious, his presence a bit intimidating.
I didn't know why she asked me to go to town but when we got to the shopping street, she went into one and started looking for something to give to a man. When I asked her why she did it, she told me that Prince Kaien had a birthday coming up.
I didn't know that the prince would have a birthday, so I asked her what would be good to give him and she started telling me what the prince liked and what he didn't. Since I didn't have enough money with me to buy an expensive gift, I bought him a box of sweets and will write him a congratulations.
I hope that's enough.
Year x487 – October 28
Again, my heart is beating too fast and I can't calm it down. Prince Kaien wrote me back, thanking me for the gift and inviting me to be his partner on the Night of Souls. I'll write him a reply tomorrow, when my heart stops pounding so hard and my cheeks stop feeling hot.
"Thank you very much for your gift, Miss Miyako. I had never tasted caramel petals but now I think they will become my favorites. Miss Miyako, would you like to be my partner in the Night of Souls? It's ok if you don't want to. Kaien."
Year x487 – November 1
I agreed to be the prince's partner at the ball and it was amazing. We danced, ate and laughed, we were talking about the dance and how the celebration is carried out in Zhilen.
I told him about the lavender fields and he said he would like to see them one day. The night was short but we saw the sunrise paint everything with its light. The prince took me by the hand and asked if he could accompany me to the celebrations of the souls in the following days.
I told him yes.
I don't have anything else to write because I still feel that it's more a dream than a reality, it was magical and my heart has not stopped beating so hard that it really seems to come out of my chest.
Year x487 – November 23
I hardly see the prince since he lives in the king's area, plus the queen reminded us not to bother him because he was learning about his new duties and needs to concentrate.
Nelliel became very close to me, she is a childhood friend of the prince and she told me that she can "bother him" whenever she wants as long as it is not in the king's zone.
Several times she has asked me to go for a walk in the gardens, and there I can see the prince. I feel like I'm doing something forbidden and that just makes it all the more exciting.
Sometimes he just gives me little pieces of paper with nice words that are for me, sometimes I hear him playing the violin and sometimes he recites a verse to me while he is hidden in the bushes.
Nelliel is always with me, making sure no one sees us.
I know all of this would be easier for him if he asked me as an Inamorata, but I'm glad he didn't. I'm still afraid of that, of the fate that awaits those girls.
Year x487 – November 29
Prince Kaien is afraid of the cliff. When we left the afternoon mass, where we happen to meet all the time, I told him to come with me to the cliff because I wanted to see it up close, and he refused. He says he's afraid of falling over the edge.
I'll try to convince him to come a little closer, I think I'll bribe him with sweets.
Note for later: Buy more caramel petals.
Year x487 – December 14
He kissed me!
I managed to get him close enough to the cliff and we both sat on the edge. The feeling was amazing and the view was beautiful. The sun was hiding behind the sea and everything was painted orange, it felt so warm despite the cold.
Now all I feel is heat.
The prince took my hand and when I turned to see him, he was staring at me.
I don't know how it happened, but when I realized it his lips were on mine. It was my first kiss. The prince stole it but I wanted to give it to him. When we walked away from the edge, the prince told me that he liked me very much and gave me another kiss.
My heart is going to jump out of my chest, I can still feel the warmth of the prince's lips and his fresh scent. The prince smells of wood and fresh herbs.
He smells so good, I like it.
Year x488 – March 17
Nell shields us from the queen's surveillance as we leave the castle. Her brother doesn't come to the city with us anymore, but a couple of the prince's guards come dressed as ordinary people.
In the city he takes me by the hand and doesn't let go until we return to the castle, he also kisses me secretly.
Nell sometimes gets mad but then says she's afraid the queen will find out I'm running off to the city with the prince. She knows the rules and says that what the prince and I do, sneaking out on dates, is not supposed to be right and the queen might punish me for it.
I don't understand how the queen could punish me for dating the prince without being his Inamorata, though every time I think about it, I'm less afraid of being.
Year x488 – April 4
I met with the prince in the cliff hall and we talked, he told me that he feels something very big and beautiful for me and wanted to know if I felt something the same. I told him how I felt about him, and with every word I said to him, his smile got bigger until he finally kissed me.
He told me that he no longer wanted to hide from the queen's eyes and asked me if I wanted to be his Inamorata.
I got scared at that word and he realized it because he quickly added that he wouldn't do anything to me, he just wanted to be with me publicly.
The prince explained to me that they would engage him with Rukia Kuchiki when he is declared the Second Prince, the importance of that marriage that was governed by the Agreements of the Fall and many other things that ended in the fact that he could not choose who to be with.
He told me that if I agreed to be his Inamorata, when the Kuchiki girl arrived at the castle, I would have to leave to be engaged to someone else.
What I feel for the prince is very great. Would it be wrong to have a little more happiness? He won't be mine but I think I'm already his.
My heart won't stop beating for him but if I accept I won't be able to go to Entabeni to study. I don't know what to do because my heart says "yes" but my mind says "no".
I asked the prince to give me a moment to think about it, so I could give him an answer. He accepted although I could see in his eyes that he was afraid too. I don't know if it's fear because I could say "no" or fear because if I say "yes", even if we are together, they will separate us.
Year x488 – April 10
Today, for the first time, I woke up in the arms of my prince. I can say that he is mine even though we have done nothing but sleep in each other's arms. He is my prince and I feel so happy that it seems like a dream.
He asked me to be his Inamorata with a diamond necklace that sparkled beautifully and he said that he asked for it especially for me to wear at our first official dinner.
I will never take it off.
We had breakfast together and then I was taken to a new room, which will be my last room.
The queen arrived shortly after the Kahya made me drink a tea so as not to get pregnant, and although I tried to explain to her that the prince and I had not been intimate in that way, the Kahya told me that I should drink it because eventually it would happen and Prince Kaien was not allowed to have children yet.
The queen began to talk to me about what it meant to be Prince Kaien's Inamorata. I have new classes, I have a new bedroom and I will have new clothes and shoes because I will be the prince's partner in public events.
It's so exciting, it was like for a moment I had the life of a princess.
Then the truth came.
The Kahya had said that the prince was not allowed to have children and the queen explained the rules of inheritance to me.
As long as the principalities of the kingdom are not officially declared, no prince can have descendants because it would be to impose himself before the king. When principalities are declared, none of the minor princes could have children until the heir did so or it would be taken as attempted rebellion by going against the wishes of the king and kingdom.
I understood well what the queen said.
Before leaving, the queen reminded me that when the Kuchiki girl arrived at the castle, I would have to leave to avoid problems of any kind.
I know the destiny that awaits me, that's why I will enjoy this happiness that will not always be mine. I don't know the Kuchiki girl, but I envy her because she will take my prince and my heart will go with him.
Year x488 – April 12
The first thing Nell asked me when I saw her again was if the prince and I had done it. I turned so red at that question that I felt hot again. I answered her truthfully and then she invited me to eat with her.
Nell is relieved that she no longer has to shield us from the queen's eyes.
I'm also relieved because now I sleep in the king's area, near my prince's room, and I can see him whenever I want.
Year x488 – May 23
The cliff became our place, there we had our first kiss and there he told me that he loves me. I can't describe all the happiness I feel right now, it's like floating on clouds, like living a dream.
I never thought something like this would happen, not to me, but it is happening and I feel like I couldn't ask for more from life.
I love him too. I love him with life.
I feel like I could give anything for him.
Year x488 – June 5
We did it.
At first I was scared, I was nervous but I wanted to do it with my prince. He was nervous too and didn't want to hurt me, but it was painful.
When the queen's doctor explained women's affairs to me, she told me what it would be like the first few times. She also told me that afterwards I could enjoy it without any fear and that I shouldn't be afraid, because it would get better and better.
Even with our inexperience it was the best moment of my life.
The prince showered me with kisses and sweet words, reminding me how much he loves me. My heart is full of emotions and my skin is full of his essence that is so comforting to me.
He slept with me all night, hugged me and kissed me and we did it again in the morning.
This time it felt better a little better.
Year x488 – July 21
Although I have a lot of free time, I hardly write because I prefer to keep all those emotions in my mind and in my heart.
My mind is only on the prince who visits me every night to sleep next to me, tells me how much he loves me and how happy he feels with me. I'm happy with his words, I feel that I have everything and at the same time I feel that nothing is mine.
My prince is not mine, and yet I want him to be. What will I do when the Kuchiki girl comes and takes him from me?
Just thinking about that future makes my heart break but I can't help but think about it because even though I knew it, I accepted it. I must calm my mind and my heart because every time I think about it I feel like crying and I don't want my prince to see me like this.
I don't want to waste my little happiness like this, thinking about that inevitable future, so I better write about something more cheerful.
Nelliel spends a lot of time with me, we are friends and she keeps me company when I leave the king's area. Sometimes we go to the city and buy things, nothing worth mentioning, but the moment with her is nice and fun.
Mila spends a lot of time with the queen, Nell is jealous of her and says Mila wants to make a good impression on the queen so that when Prince Ichigo returns to the kingdom, she can be considered as a candidate to be his wife.
Seeing Nell jealous that Mila is stealing the queen's affections from her is somewhat amusing.
I keep practicing on the piano. The melody that Prince Kaien played for me and which I always heard when he played on his violin, he wrote for me. The name of the melody is Breeze.
My prince taught me to play it on the piano and it's really beautiful but Nelliel gets mad every time she hears me play it.
Sometimes I don't understand Nelliel.
Year x488 – September 5
Lately I'm very sleepy and very hungry. I can't stop eating spicy things, it's what I most want to eat these days but I think that eating too much is making me fat. I should stop eating but the hunger is greater. Sometimes I feel like I could eat two people's food.
My belly is a little bigger than usual, but only a little.
My prince makes fun of me because I'm getting fat but he says that I look prettier that way. Sometimes he kisses my little belly and says it's better this way, because now he has more skin to kiss and hold.
I think that if the dresses continue to fit me, there is no problem in me continuing to eat a little more.
I like it when the prince says I'm pretty. The days with him are so happy and fun, that I feel that there could be nothing better.
Year x488 – September 28
My period hasn't come in several months, I'm sleepy all the time and today I threw up my breakfast. I think I'm pregnant and I'm afraid I might be because they won't let me keep my baby.
I don't know whether to tell my prince or wait a little longer, maybe it's just a delay from drinking too much of that tea.
I trust in the Deities.
I've been drinking tea like the Kahya says, so I have to be fine.
Year x488 – October 17
Today I went to see the doctor because I kept throwing up my food, and the first thing she asked me was if I was still drinking the Inamoratas' tea.
When I assured her that it was so because the Kahya gave it to me personally, the doctor calmed down, but I asked her what the symptoms of pregnancy were. The doctor explained them to me and in the end she added that I shouldn't worry, that surely I had caught some stomach illness or had eaten something badly cooked and she gave me medicine.
Until I got better, they restricted the prince's visits to my room.
I don't think I'm throwing up because of a stomach illness.
I'm pregnant.
My stomach is bigger, just my stomach, and when I touch it, I feel something strange. The dress hides it, that's why the doctor didn't check my belly and, although I shouldn't have done it, I thanked the Deities for that.
I haven't said anything about this to my prince but I need to vent to someone other than a piece of paper. I need to know what to do, because inside me there is a little bit of the love that the prince has for me.
What is growing inside of me is mine and if I can't live forever with my prince, at least I want to live forever with this small token of love. I always wanted a big family, but I'm content with the little one that is growing inside of me.
Year x488 – October 22
Nelliel freaked out when I told her I was pregnant. At first, she didn't believe it and thought I was making a joke, but when I made her touch my belly, she immediately moved her hand away and looked at me completely terrified.
The first thing she asked me was if I did it on purpose, but I didn't because I have been drinking the tea as the Kahya has given me. Nelliel took me by the hand and said we had to tell the queen so the doctor would get it out of me.
I didn't want to do it and I made Nelliel swear that she wouldn't tell the queen until I told my prince. He would know what to do. He was my hope.
Every day I love more the idea of having a little baby in my arms. I feel like I would love my baby for life.
Year x488 – November 7
The prince went hunting with the king, he says he will bring me a hunting trophy. He looked excited and happy.
I haven't had the courage to talk to him, I will when he gets back.
I will tell him to send me home, I will hide the pregnancy and no one will know about this, only the prince and Nelliel, who has always been with me and is a great friend.
Yes, I will do that because it is the only thing I can do.
I don't want to lose my baby.
Year x488 – November 9
I am suffering a punishment from the Deities because I wished for something that was never meant for me.
The pain in my heart is so great that I feel like it will break with every beat. It is a horrible punishment for wanting to steal a little bit of happiness that was not for me, for wanting a little more than what was given to me.
My prince is not with me and that is when I need him most, there is only Nell who has not abandoned me since I lost my baby.
I lost my baby. I lost it. I lost it.
I feel a void inside my heart so big that nothing can fill it.
Nell tells me that it was the will of the Deities. She says that I must be strong and brave, and when the time is right I can have children with the prince. Nell says that if my prince loves me so much, he will never let me go even if he has to be tied to someone else.
She's so good, she's the best friend I could have and she brings some relief to my aching heart that won't stop crying over what happened.
Year x488 – November 10
The queen came to visit me and told me that as soon as I recovered, I would go home.
The queen also asked me not to hold a grudge against Nelliel for what she did, she only followed the rules of the castle and with what she did she saved my life, as well as the life of my prince.
At first I did not understand it, but when I did, I felt that the world ceased to exist.
Nelliel betrayed me even though she swore to secrecy. She told the queen that I was pregnant and the queen made me lose it.
That's not fair.
My heart is broken, I feel like I can't breathe...
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Nelliel came to see me, I asked her why she did it and she said she did it out of love. She said that she loves my prince and that she wasn't going to let them accuse him of betraying the kingdom just because I didn't want to lose my baby.
She is cruel, she said she doesn't regret doing it, she said she would do it again if it would save my prince's life. She said a bunch of horrible things and I kicked her out of my room.
Year x488 – November 11
I can't resist it anymore.
Everything is too painful, my heart is bleeding and I can't stop crying. Nelliel took everything from me, she took my prince and she took my baby.
The only thing I am grateful for is that my prince is not here, so that he does not see what I will do.
I don't want anyone to touch me, I don't want the destiny that Nelliel chose for me… I just want to be reunited with the only thing that was truly mine.
Miyako's date of death: November 14, year x488
May the Deities have her in their paradise.
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