[See chapter 3 notes. Sorry that the story is progressing so
slowly. I've been extremely busy and
haven't been able to work on it as much as I would like to. I've been stalled on where things should
continue for the rest of the story so sorry.
I'd like to thank Kait- for her suggestions and anyone else who's
helped. At this part of the story
Mark's sexuality and relationship with certain characters are going to be
questioned. The song near the end of the
chapter is Rufus Wainwright's 'Instant Pleasure' all other lyrics belong to me-
Comments and suggestions are much appreciated.]
"December 21st 9pm,
Eastern Standard Time. I can't believe
things have gone so fast. Zoom in on
Mark Cohen- who used to be the biggest fraud of this past century- but he's
trying to quit hiding behind this farce.
Yes it's true…it's true. But I
finally have a clue what I'm going to do!
Now if only it'll all pull through…scan across the stage-where a band's
set up. Enter Roger Davis, playing his
heart out to an audience of a couple hundred.
Does any of this really mean anything?
Will I ever know? Guess it's
time to go…" I comment as I turn off my camera. It was really hard to stay focused on an object when you have
loud music and people crowded around you.
This
is the bands third or fourth show- and I do have to admit, they sound
great. I haven't been around Roger too
much the past two weeks, I'm still unsure of how I'm going to tell him I'm gay. Gosh, I'm gay- that so sounds strange to
come from my mouth- I never really thought about guys this way but it makes a
hell of a lot more sense than anything else I've ever done. In the back of my mind I can hear my father
screaming at me to put my camera down before I turned into, "Another fucking
fairy like your cousin Jake. You don't
want to be a pansy do you Mark? Why
don't you get involved with football or basketball? Anything has to be better than you running around that theater
with the rest of those queers." It was his constant banter for being 'artsy'
that made me get involved with track.
And it was track that eventually led me to Brown- ha, kind of a vicious
circle huh dad? I finally do the
'manly' thing you want me to, go to college only to get a degree in those arts
you so despise. Look at me now-
For once I'm
following what my heart is telling me, even if it is something that I didn't
think possible mere months ago. Maybe I
always felt this way, but pushed the feeling away in place for the accepted
'norm' of women. What is normal
anyways? Some of my friends know now- I
don't know how he does it, but Collins knew before I could even tell him. The day after I met Anthony, he stopped by
the apartment. He sat down on the
table, watched me shuffle my feet avoiding contact and he just burst out
laughing. I didn't even have to say hi
or anything- when he finally got himself under control he managed to ask,
"You're gay aren't you?"
My
voice squeaked and I know I must have got a completely shocked look on my face,
"How do…. how do you know?" thank god Roger was practicing, or I'm sure I would
have died right then.
"Trust
me- you'll learn to pick up on these things.
When did this happen? This is so
fucked up-who would have thought, my friend Mark Cohen, the guy with a
permanent hard-on around any female, gay?
Damn…does Roger know?"
"I'm
just realizing myself…don't know how I could/will be able to tell Roger…If you
figured it out this easy, do you think Roger knows?"
Collins
shook his head and proceeded to give me an earful about 'Life as Homosexual,
according to Dr. Tom Collins'
At
least Collins and Joanne support my decision, Maureen is another story… Several
days ago I had lunch with her and Joanne at a little café near their
apartment. They are currently back
together. I have come to the conclusion
that the only reason they fight is because they like the making up so
much. God, if I have to watch them
sucking on one another's tongues one more time I'm going to gag. Well we were sitting there talking
about-take that back- I was sitting their zoning while they were arguing about
a custody battle between two lesbians, when Maureen interjected with, "Mark,
what do you think? Shouldn't the woman
who birthed the child technically get custody?" her eyes pleaded with me to
agree with her or to change the subject.
"What?
Huh? I don't know…" I mutter, completely lost in what she was even asking.
"Mark,
where you even listening to a word of what we were saying?" her face was
getting redder and her voice a shade pitch higher than it was moments ago.
"Maureen, when you guys are
together I'm not included in the conversation much anyways. So I just try to block your voice from my
head. Gives me moments of sanity."
Joanne erupted into laughter at my comment, and we shared a knowing smile while
Maureen quietly fumed. I went on to
say, "I have to tell you though, that you're both quite amusing to observe…"
After
several minutes of Maureen's verbal attacks, I couldn't stand it anymore. Her voice wreaks too much havoc on the mind
of any sane individual. I don't know
how I managed to stay with her so long, or how Joanne manages to stay with her
now. "Will you just shut up? I need to tell you both something…" They
both just stare at me from my outburst.
Joanne
gave me a questioning look before asking, "What's wrong, Mark?"
"I'm
gay."
"Holy
shit…" I don't even know who exactly muttered it, but by the looks on their
faces this was a complete and utter surprise.
Even now, several days later Maureen's screaming still rings in my
ears. The words 'lying bastard',
'fucking faggot', 'manipulator', 'pathetic asshole', and 'queer' still play
over in my head. It was funny hearing
those words from her mouth because here she is calling me all these things, but
she forgets I went through the same thing when she dumped me for Joanne. I guess we all say strange things we don't
mean- but that would almost be every single word out of Maureen's mouth.... I can't believe she took it so hard, I mean
she was the one that left me for another woman so why is it so strange if now I
like men. After Maureen left in a rage,
Joanne stayed and talked to me about it for over an hour. She was completely supportive and tried to
apologize for Maureen's behavior-but hey it's Maureen, always the drama
queen. I managed to convince them not
to tell anyone else just yet though…I need to do this on my own.
The
cheering of the audience brings me back to reality. I can hardly see the stage through prongs of people and cloud of
smoke. Between the sweaty bodies, the
cigarettes, too strong of perfume, and alcohol this place has taken on the
stench that one could only find in a bar.
Reminds me of why I don't like these places in the first place…First you
got the girls in front of the stage with looks of hero worship on their faces,
then the guys at the bar drowning out the world in their 5th or 6th
beer, and of course who could forget the wallflower (me) pretending to
intermingle with the crowd but just feeling awkward and out of place. Hell, the only way I can get anyone to
really talk to me is if they know I'm friends with the band…
"This
next song is a song about all the bullshit of my life, that I've put up with
for so many years. I always had a 'woe
is me' attitude blaming the rest of the world for all my problems, when it was
me who made the hurt so unbearable.
This is for my friends (you know who you all are) thanks for supporting
me all these years, despite how much I've pushed you away…" his voice cuts
through the audience. The crowd quiets and sways to the sound of the ballad,
which seems out of place with all of their previous upbeat songs they've
played.
"Hide
this anger-take my pride. Hide this
pain so I'll survive.
Take
my anguish; all this strain
Forget
my past and hope this feeling won't last…
If
I can have just one more chance-
I'll
reveal my soul-give it all
Now-now
let me live,
one
more day."
I
feel like such a fraud for not being able to tell Roger the truth. I've had the dress rehearsals in my mind, but
nothing seems quite worthy of the final production. I have to tell him tonight… I can't continue hiding this from
him; it's too hard to be around him without being honest. I eventually leave the bar, heading for the
loft. It's Christmas time again; although
my mother was extremely Jewish my father would sneak us out to the mall to get
our picture taken with Santa. Christmas
morning my father would always slip my sister and I several presents when my
mother wasn't looking. Even though it
wasn't much, just the small token from my father always meant so much to me-
more so as I got older and became interested in things he disagreed with. It was then that the taunting began and I
started staying away as much as possible.
My mother is always begging me to come around or call more but why would
I want to spend time with people belittle my existence, calling everything I
believe in a failure? The cold winter
night chills my hands and I rub them together trying to generate some heat to
make the numbness go away. As I near my
block, the liquor store on the corner beckons me forward. 'heavy drugs- Wine and Beer - to
marijuana!' Even I can have my
weaknesses, just this once I'll drown out my conscious- Maybe drinking will
give me some clarity… at least when I'm drunk I don't have to listen to the
voice inside my head questioning every thought and motion. At this point, I just want to put him on
pause and relax…
[A few hours later]
My
boots echo on the stairwell as I head up to the apartment. We had such a great gig tonight- the crowd
was really into the show, made some good money, had some fun while on stage,
and even Mark came. If only April or
Mimi could have been there to see me, they would have both have been so proud
of me. At least Mark was there; he
hasn't come to many of my gigs lately.
I didn't think he'd show up tonight, he's been acting a little different
the past week or so. Thank god he's
finally managed to get himself out of the depressed stupor- but it's like he's
been avoiding me. He hasn't really
talked about his life much but I know something was bothering him. Maybe he finally has it worked out on his
own- without having a typical Mark emotional breakdown. I wish he would talk to me though, because
since Mimi's death I haven't really had too many people to talk to…When he came
back, Mark became the only stable thing in my life-my safety net. But I know it all began before that, Mark
has always been a huge part of my life even when I was with April or Mimi I
always retreated to Mark when things got bad.
I can't really explain it…it's just Mark- Even the brief time he was
dating Kaitlyn, he was always there if I needed him.
I
grab the door handle and walk into the room, but the blaring of music causes me
to take a step back. Damn, wasn't
expecting that to happen. I place my
guitar on the floor near the door, but stop to listen to the voice blaring
through the radio:
"I
don't want somebody to love me just give me sex whenever I want it
Cause all I ask
for is instant pleasure, Instant pleasure, instant pleasure.
You in the traffic for all eternity, have to go that speed be where you
want to be
Don't you really want to instant pleasure, instant pleasure, instant
pleasure
Think all these folks that pay, do it cause the pay is great
What you
thinking anyway?
If drinking
coffee is your idea of really cool, you can't expect any crazy chick to notice
you
Just sitting
there dreaming, instant pleasure, instant pleasure, instant pleasure….
I don't want
somebody to love me. Just give me sex, whenever
I want it
Cause all I ask
for is instant pleasure, instant pleasure, instant pleasure."
Now this is extremely interesting…
Mark is listening to a screaming about instant pleasure, when all his life all
he's moaned about is having somebody to love.
He must be getting really desperate… maybe I should take him to a strip
club or something. But that nagging
voice in the back of my head, tells me that a stripper wouldn't help Mark much
anyway…I turn down the music on the radio and approach the couch, noticing the
empty beer bottles tipped over on the table.
"Mark? Are you home?"
It's this exact
moment that Mark walks out of the bathroom- wearing a pair of plaid boxers and
holding a fifth of Southern Comfort. Oh
my- he the sloppiest smile on his face as he attempts to walk across the room
but he ends up stumbling into the coffee table and couch in the process. When he finally speaks his voice is more
lethargic than usual, "Roger! My best friend… I've missed you SO much. Great performance tonight."
If I don't help
him, he's going to end up breaking something, I think to myself. I hate to see him get hurt, I guess I've
always wanted to protect him from harm.
So I go over to him and grab his shoulder to lead him over to the
table. Instead of just using me for
assistance he throws all his weight against me and basically I'm forced to drag
him to a chair. "I think you've had a
little too much to drink tonight."
"Me, drink too
much? Never!"
"Lush. What made you drink so much?" I ask laughing
at the absurdity of Mark being so drunk, this has only happened once or twice
the entire time I've known him. He
always pestered me about partying too much, and he became the designated driver
or sober one of the bunch. It's strange
to see him lose his composure…
"Needed a little
bit of 'liquid courage'. To forget my
life, just for one night." He responded with a serious look on his face.
I press play on
the blinking answering machine, muttering to myself, "Liquid courage, huh? What do you need that for?"
"Hey Mark! This is
Anthony, haven't spoken to you in a couple days, just wondering what you're up
to and how things are going. Josh and I
were talking about going to that club sometime this weekend want to come with
us? Maybe you can meet someone- Give me
a call the next couple of days or stop by.
Talk to you soon!"
"Roger, this is
your mother. We miss you! Please call…"
"Hey Mark, who's
this Anthony guy that keeps on calling?" I ask.
"Anthony's just
some guy, just a friend…just a friend."
"Oh…Do
I know him?" I ask but get no response.
I finally turn back towards the table and look at him-sitting at the
table with his head on his hands. The
bottle of booze lies next to his hands and if I didn't know better I'd swear
that he there was a straw in the bottle…
He looked like he was going to fall asleep any minute. "Hey Mark- did you get the mail today?"
His
eyes open briefly- they are a vivid blue but have a glossed over
appearance. He's going to have a hell
of a hangover tomorrow. His mouth opens
and he mutters, "huh? What? No- I'm not- I'm-Come here…" before taking a deep
breath. I pull my chair closer to his
before tapping him on the shoulder. He
lifts his chin avoiding eye contact and before I can react his lips are pressed
against mine. The kiss was over almost
as soon as it began and I knew my eyes must have been questioning what the hell
had just happened. He gets a goofy grin
on his face, looks me in the eyes and quietly states, "Hey Roger, I'm
gay." With that his body goes limp, his
head hits the table with a loud thump as he finally passes out.
What
the hell? Mark just kissed me… Mark just said that he's gay…did I enjoy his
kiss?
When
did this fucking happen?
[More to come later- please
review]
