A Story of Min Chapter 8
Disclaimer: I own nothing but Ella. Please don't sue me. That would be very bad.
((A/N: this story has taken a COMPLETE turnaround from what I had started out writing it as, I'll even have to change the summary. I just had a kind of flash of inspiration last night, and it all sort of fell into place. Unfortunately for some people- this will not be a fairy tale thing where they just realize at the same moment that they love each other and fall into one another's arms (ICK). That would be just too surreal. So, enjoy reading- and please please please review. Thanks!)) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the months passed Minerva and Remus's friendship became stronger than any friendship they'd shared with anyone. Minerva was finally content with living, happy to be who she was and where she worked. Remus was glad to have someone who loved him, someone he could trust.
But, amidst this cast iron bond of friendship there seemed to be a bit of something odd. Something that didn't belong, like four left-handed gloves and nothing on the right hand. Though they seemed to know everything about one another, both of them knew there was something they didn't want to tell.
One night in early February after they had went to the three broomsticks for dinner, this thought seemed to have struck Remus. He looked into the fire, though he didn't really see the flames as his eyes glazed over in thought.
" I don't understand it," he thought, " I spend so much time with Minerva, but every so often, things just get…awkward. I never remember that sort of thing ever happening with my other friends."
"But then again, when my other friends closed the door of their room after a night out, I didn't feel like some kind of balloon inside me had abruptly deflated…"
" What is this all about? What are you trying to hint to me!!!" Remus yelled to the flames, as though expecting an answer.
With that, Remus sighed and shook his head, " Remus, you are finally losing it," he said softly to himself. Then he stood up, pulled on a cloak and strode out of his room.
~
The thick slice of silver moon illuminating the midnight sky threw its beams upon the slowly walking figure of Remus Lupin. Figuring he had just needed some air, he had walked out of the castle, and was now circling the perimeter of the grounds. His feet shuffled upon the frozen earth beneath his shoes, and his hands were balled up in his pockets for warmth. Looking at the little chunks of frozen dirt scuttle across the ground they came from, he clearly didn't see another person walking towards him and was dumbstruck as they both recoiled, letting out yells of pain.
"Who's there?" asked Remus, staring around him.
" I'm down here, and who are you?" said a voice at about his feet.
Remus pulled out his wand and lit it. The beam fell upon a thin woman with astonishingly blue eyes and long chestnut brown hair that fell in waves down the back of her teal traveling cloak.
" I asked you first," said Remus defiantly.
" Allright, allright. I'm Ella Cromwell, and I live in the village. Who are you?"
"Remus Lupin," he said, extending a hand to help her to her feet.
" Well, what are you doing out here? It's the middle of the night and-
The moon had cast a silver beacon over the two of them, and Ella's blue eyes met Remus's cautious ones. She was cut off, and drew in a sharp breath.
" Are you allright? And what?" he asked, his brow furrowed.
But she seemed to have lost her train of thought
"Hmm? I'm sorry, what?"
Remus just sighed and looked around. Without looking into his eyes, Ella seemed to remember what she had been saying.
" oh, I was asking what you were doing out here, and where you'd come from," said Ella, staring up into Remus's face.
" Well, I was taking a walk, you know, thinking about things. I live at Hogwarts- I'm a professor."
Then he and Ella just began talking, not realizing the time or place, or the fact that they were now walking together. As dawn broke, they promised to see each other again, and hurried back where they'd come from.
~
Days, weeks, and almost months went by, and Minerva started to wonder why she was suddenly seeing less and less of her dear friend Remus. Sure, they spoke at meals, and occasionally went out together, but quite often Remus declined her offers of outings, saying he was busy, or he had work, or that he had something else to do. She usually dismissed it, not really thinking about it and swallowing her disappointment. Minerva also wondered why Remus was so out of it all of a sudden, quite unlike his usual self- always knowing exactly what to say, to sense her very feelings and to make her feel better when she was down. And even when Remus himself was troubled and Minerva tried to cheer him up, Remus found something else to do or somewhere else to go. Even at his transformations he was a different person than he had been. He seemed so preoccupied, so dazed. Minerva was slightly scared by the person he'd become, and was confused by the abrupt change.
Remus was very confused. He went and saw Ella all the time and he told himself that he loved her, as he told her. But he was also just as sure that there was something missing, and it seemed very important. He felt that this relationship was tearing him apart from the inside, but it somehow felt good. He didn't know quite what it felt like to love someone, and though he knew deep down, he couldn't quite label it. All he knew was what he felt for Ella felt so odd, but not what he'd expected. He felt so distant with her, even though he was always trying his best not to be. He just thought that what he was feeling must be love, and this distant feeling…well, he assumed it would pass. He battled with himself whether to tell Minerva about Ella, but never decided to do so. He just felt so horrible whenever he thought about Minerva in those days, even though he didn't know why…he felt almost guilty, for reasons even he didn't know.
~
One warm night in early June, when Remus had (as usual) declined an offer of dinner with Minerva, and had given the excuse that he "had a lot of work and would be grading all night" Minerva finally decided she couldn't take it.
"He's my very best friend…" she thought.
" you wish he was more," said a little voice in her head.
"NO I DON'T!" said Minerva, rather loudly, even though she was sitting in her room alone.
" all right all right, miss denial, don't get your knickers in a twist," said the voice again.
" But he's my best friend, and I don't know what's going on, or why he's avoiding me," she thought, trying to get back on track.
So, deciding that this was finally the last straw, she got up and walked down to his office. She was positive she'd find him there and talk to him about this whole ordeal. When she reached the door and knocked, she got no answer.
"How odd," she thought, before magically unlocking the door.
When she looked inside, what she found was (to her) even stranger. The papers Remus had said he was grading were stacked in a neat pile upon his desk, and when she looked at them, they were all graded. She assumed he had finished, so she headed up to his quarters.
" I wonder why he would tell me it would take longer then it did…" she asked herself as she gave his portrait the password and entered.
Upon checking through here and calling for him, she found that Remus was not here at all. Luckily she had not seen the picture of Remus and Ella that had been sitting on a chair nearby.
Minerva felt confused, more confused than she had been in quite a long time. She walked back to her quarters and sat on her bed.
"Why did he lie to me? Why would he? Is there something he's hiding from me?"
Long after hundreds of questions such as these, Minerva fell into a light sleep, troubled by thoughts that were flitting through her head.
~
The next day after breakfast, in a period that both Remus and Minerva had free, Remus approached Minerva in the hall and took her hand.
"Can we talk?"
Minerva was greatly surprised by the look in his eyes. He looked almost nervous, as though something was bearing down on him. She was even more surprised by him coming up to her, for she supposed that if she wanted to speak to him, she'd have to track him down.
" Yes, there are a few things I'd like to speak to you about too, Lupin," Minerva replied coldly.
If her cool tone or implication of something he didn't understand confused Remus, he hid it well. He just pulled her up to his office and offered her a chair as he sat down himself. She refused and stood in front of him.
He just stared blankly for a moment until he looked back to Minerva.
" you can go first, what did you want to speak to me about, Minerva?"
" Why have you been lying to me all this time!" said Minerva, so loudly she might have been screaming. The pain and betrayal was visible in her eyes. And she was shaking, whether with rage or with the pressure of holding in tears.
The statement shocked Remus so much, he looked as though she'd slapped him across the face. He just stared at her. He'd never seen her like this before, and it seemed to leave him dumbstruck.
" You've been telling me all these lies! How could you? Have you no conscience? What was so important and secret that you would lie repetitively to your best friend to hide whatever it is? Well, maybe I'm not your friend at all! Maybe you…maybe you were just lying to me again and making me think that! How can I believe you again? How, Remus? How? I-I trusted you, I trusted you with everything I could…"
With those words she turned away from him, apparently finding she was unable to go on. She bit her lip and breathed heavily.
" Minerva, please. I'm so sorry, you're right. It was wrong, horribly wrong, and I asked you to come talk with me today to explain it all to you," said Remus, having found his voice. He put his arm around her and led her to a chair. " Just hear me out. If you hate me when I'm done, then so be it, but just hear me out."
Minerva nodded, though she felt as though her insides were fighting to get out of her, and anger and pain were rippling through her like waves on a stormy sea.
So Remus told her all about meeting Ella and that was why he'd been lying to her, so he could go see Ella without having to tell Minerva that was where he was going.
" And there's something else I need to tell you," said Remus.
Minerva nodded. She seemed to have completely lost her powers of speech for the time being, but her eyes (had Remus cared enough to look) would have given her thoughts away quite easily.
" Ella and I are to be married."
With that statement, Minerva opened her eyes so wide it looked as though she was a goldfish.
" E-excuse me?" she choked out.
" I said we're to be married- Ella and I," repeated Remus.
If lifelong happiness came in sheets of paper, the look on Minerva's face then would have implied that Remus had just torn that paper to shreds. Remus didn't seem to notice.
Minerva looked up at Remus, meeting his eyes with hers rather moist.
" er…congratulations. Well, I-I should be erm…going," she croaked hurriedly and jumped from her chair, and hastily rushed from the office. She broke into a run at the end of the hallway and ran all the way back to her quarters. There she didn't even bother to worry about her classes, she just flung herself onto her bed and cried. Hot tears rolled off her face and onto her pillow as sobs racked her body. Once she thought she'd heard the click of her door opening and closing, but thought nothing of it as she cried herself to sleep.
The next morning at breakfast Remus didn't see Minerva there. Her reaction to his explanation the day before seemed to have roused him from his ignorance of her, for he hadn't been doing it purposely. He looked around the table with concern, thinking maybe he didn't see her, since she's not the kind of person to miss things. But, when he looked to her usual seat, he saw nothing but an empty chair.
" I wonder what's wrong," thought Remus, " I hope she's not ill."
After breakfast, Remus walked up to Minerva's quarters, gave the password and walked in. It was seemingly empty. When he went to the door that would lead to her bedroom, he found it closed. And when he turned the handle, it wouldn't move at all. He put his ear up to the wooden door, and tried to hear what was inside. A rustling of blankets and a few sniffles reached his ears.
"Minerva? Are you in there?" asked Remus in a worried voice.
While he listened again he heard all movement stop. Then he heard someone, " n-ndo, I'b dnot," in a quiet voice.
Remus, even more worried, leaned against the door, " Minerva? Are you alright? Can I come in?"
There was a bit of a pause before, " ndo, ad ndo. Let mbe be," floated through the hard wooden door. Then he heard the rustling sound again and something he couldn't distinguish…it sounded like crying. With that he sighed, and pulled a piece of piece of parchment and a quill from his pocket and scribbled:
dear Minerva,
Please feel better, I hate to see you (or rather hear you since you won't let me in) like this. If you're ill, you should go up to the hospital wing, because its unhealthy for you to go without medication if you are. But if you need anything, you know where I'll be. Get well soon, alright? Love,
Remus - P.S- I'm sorry again for what I had to tell you yesterday . Please forgive me.
With that he folded up the note and slipped it under the door. As he turned to go he heard Minerva blowing her nose and then her voice, clear once more saying, " Remus, wait."
Remus spun on the spot and faced the door. It still failed to open but her voice was closer, she must have been standing right behind it.
"Thank you Remus, though I am not ill, I'm glad you cared. Thanks for coming, but I just don't want to see anyone right now."
Remus walked back to the door, " Minerva, please- tell me what's wrong. Please, I want to help."
" Remus, I can't talk to you about it. Actually, for now, I think it would be best for me to…to n-not talk to you at all," said Minerva, losing a bit of her calm nearing the end.
Upon hearing that, a pang of pain and guilt sounded in Remus's chest, and he heaved a sigh. So he turned and walked out, troubled and confused.
After his classes, which he halfheartedly ran through, Remus sat by the lake. He sat on the same bench he and Minerva had talked on so many times, and they had learned so much about each other there. They had hid behind that bench just months before, dodging snowballs and laughing. But now, on the bench, it was just Remus, by himself. He stared at the glassy surface of the lake, the bright colors of the setting sun reflecting in shimmering shades of pink and gold. He felt so empty inside, even though he knew he shouldn't be. He was getting married- shouldn't he feel happy? Remus didn't understand it himself.
Just when Remus thought things couldn't possibly get more befuddling he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up into the twinkling eyes of Albus Dumbledore.
"Hello, Remus," he said softly, sitting beside him.
"Hello headmaster," replied Remus in a bit of a monotonous voice.
" Is everything alright?" asked Dumbledore, frowning at the look on Remus's face.
"yes…er…no." Remus looked out over the water, to where Minerva's window was on that side of the castle.
" worried about her are you?" said Dumbledore, a knowing smile playing on his lips.
" how did you -
"Remus, you don't know what your getting into there. She's not ill, and its not something poppy can cure for her," said Dumbledore somberly.
Remus just looked more confused, " but…then what is it? What's going on?"
Dumbledore stared right into his eyes, " Remus think. Was she locked in her room two days ago? What has happened lately that includes you that might cause her to do that? What is changing her life, pulling her back into what she was before she befriended you again this year? And what could be causing her to go to this extreme?"
Inwardly, Remus answered every question and suddenly understood.
" good heavens…I-I … she…you're sure?" stammered Remus.
" I've never been more sure," said Dumbledore as he stood and turned to go. And there he left Remus, alone with his thoughts.
Remus remembered the first time he'd seen Minerva- on the train, on the way to Hogwarts in 1st year. She was his very first friend and he was hers. He remembered looking through the glass door of the compartment at the short, thin, pale girl with the flowing raven black hair and piercing eyes. And her smile and how much she'd taught him. He remembered how they were reunited again this year, even when he thought he'd never see her again. And how she'd cried and laughed once more, all because of him. How could he have missed her, how could he have passed her by? She is the perfect person- beautiful, smart, funny, and she loves him. And then it struck him, the thought beat into his head as though powered by a bolt of lightning. He loved her too.
That awkward feeling they'd had- it was shyness! How could he have misinterpreted it all so badly?
" look what I've gone and done!" he yelled at himself inwardly, " I went and left the one I really love and abandoned her for someone else! No wonder she doesn't want to speak to me! I'm horrible! I really have to go fix this…"
With that, Remus jumped up from his chair and ran as fast as he could to Minerva's quarters. When he got there, panting and gasping for breath, he found a note on a nearby chair.
To Whom It May Concern
I have decided that I have nothing left to wait around for, nor anyone to share my life with. I have found it to be true that I really don't matter to anyone. The only friends I've ever had are either dead, in prison, or driven away by my own foolishness. Maybe I'll meet up with some old friends on the other side. My will is at Gringotts and if anyone cares to look at it, they may. I give my thanks to Albus Dumbledore and Remus Lupin, for saving me for a while from what I am about to do now.
Sincerely,
Professor Minerva McGonagall
The letter fell out of Remus's hand as he shouted at the top of his lungs , " MIN!" and ran along the corridor to the bathroom. He skidded in front of the bathroom doorway only to see Minerva lying on the floor. One of her limp hands had a cut from the tip of her thumb to the center of her palm. She was sprawled on the floor, her robes and black hair fanned out behind her. There was a small silver potions knife lying on the ground just below her bleeding hand. Remus quickly crouched down and lifted two of his fingers to her neck. She definitely was breathing and had a pulse. Remus guessed she had aimed to cut further with the knife but fainted at the sight of her blood (Minerva had always been slightly afraid…well, very afraid of the sight of blood). And he also assumed that she had cut herself just as he'd walked in the door, since there was still blood trickling out of the shallow cut.
Remus pulled out his wand and strapped up the cut, and then picked up Minerva and carried her from the bathroom. He put her on the couch and spread a blanket over her, and went to clean up the bathroom. When he came back she had still not awoken.
"Ennervate," said Remus, pointing his wand at Minerva. She stirred a bit in her sleep and opened her eyes.
" Oh god, am I forced to relive this moment forever? I knew it, I knew it! I was a horrible person and now I'm in hell!" said Minerva, speaking her thoughts with her head in her hands.
Remus chuckled and Minerva thought, " I don't remember him laughing…"
" Minerva, you're not dead."
" urgggh. Why not?"
" Well, first of all, you made your cut in the wrong place," said Remus as Minerva stared at her bandaged hand, " but even if you hadn't I would've still been here. I'll always be here."
Upon hearing the last sentence Remus said, Minerva bit her lip and looked down, " no. you won't."
Remus smiled weakly at Minerva, "Minerva, you don't understand- that's what I meant to tell you, what I raced up here to tell you. You see, I realized that…" he trailed off, afraid to say it.
Minerva had looked up and was looking into his eyes intently, inwardly praying for what she was hoping he'd say, " realized that what?"
Remus returned her gaze and it seemed to make him more determined to say what he was about to say, " I realized that I'm marrying the wrong woman."
Minerva's eyes became incredibly round.
" What are you getting at?" she asked, even though she really understood.
" I mean, it's not Ella that I want to marry," said Remus, looking down.
Then he looked right into her eyes and took a deep breath,
" It's you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The very next day, Remus went to see Ella, and called off the engagement, he said that he didn't want to put her through anything that wouldn't last. Remus proposed to Minerva on the same bench in front of the lake where they had shared so many memories, and she accepted, laughing as Remus jumped up and tripped, rolled down the hill and fell with a splash into the lake, which only made Minerva laugh harder as she went to help him out.
The day before they were to be married, Minerva was sitting in her room (she had lived at Hogwarts year round ever since she was 16) looking through the picture album that kept the pictures of her and Remus, Sirius, James, Lily, etc. Recently a large amount of pictures had been added, but as she looked through the book in the first few pages she saw that two pages had been stuck together. As she pulled them apart she found a picture in there she had never seen before. It was a picture of her of her spying on Lily and James. Underneath it was written, " I was watching the whole time." The writing was in a hand that could only be Remus's. Now Min was sure that this was the man she was meant to marry.