Castle: Innocence and Experience

Sunday 2 December

The days after the kittens' arrival were a whirlwind. The four kittens needed feeding every few hours so on Wednesday and Thursday nights they took it in shifts. The vet assured them that they should bounce back quickly and confirmed Kate's estimate on their age at 3 and a half weeks. They could also be started on solid food so once they were more confident that they would survive they could leave biscuits out at night. They had to be wormed but they could wait a few weeks before their vaccinations. Contrary to Castle's fears, they didn't have fleas. The mother was taken to a rescue centre where they would operate to prevent further pregnancies.

True to her word Martha insisted he help her on Thursday daytime. Martha wasn't in the slightest bit interested in his protestations and dismissed his childhood experience. As far as she was concerned, he wasn't five years old anymore and should face his fears. As they became stronger, the kittens embraced their rumbunctious nature and rounding up four in Erin's room to feed became a workout in itself.

It didn't take Erin long to set about naming the new members of the family. Kate at least supported him by insisting that they would only be keeping two and so Erin should only name those. Erin was unimpressed, giving them puppy dog eyes so many times that in private they started doing it to make the other giggle. She quickly decided, however, which two were her favourites. Inevitably, it was the ones who cuddled up to her most: the two silver tabbies, a boy and a girl. The boy was the largest of the bunch and it wasn't only Erin he warmed to. On Friday evening, Kate and Erin collapsed in stitches when they found Castle glued, horrified, to the wall in Erin's room, empty feeding bottle on the floor, with it stretched happily around his neck like a furry scarf.

Erin didn't deliberate for long. The two she selected to keep she named Lyra and Panteleimon (Pan for short).

'You've read His Dark Materials trilogy?' he asked, impressed.

'They're much better than Harry Potter,' she replied coolly.

'You're lucky Alexis can't hear you; she was obsessed with the PotterVerse.'

'I prefer Lyra Silvertongue to Harry Potter and the stories are wilder, they travel through all kinds of universes. I don't really care about Hogwarts. Anyway, it's fun arguing with Alexis.'

Alexis had come home yesterday. She had collared him and sternly given him a piece of her mind. While Erin was disappointed that she couldn't keep all the kittens, Alexis was livid that her father was letting them keep any.

'They're walking all over you, Dad. Have you seen Erin's room? It's like a cat jungle gym.' It was true, Kate and Erin had virtually emptied the pet store of its supplies and one corner was full of scratching posts with tunnels and platforms of varying heights, as well as an extravagant water fountain. By her pillow was a cosy fleecy basket that the kittens shared. 'I bet you didn't agree to buy all that?'

'Well, no but-'

'It's like you have no say at all – she's putting Erin first, all the time. She spoiling her, you know.'

'Like I spoilt you? You always got what you asked for,' he re-joined, which at least ended her tirade.

He didn't want to agree with her, but her words nonetheless left a bad taste in the mouth. He didn't think they were spoiling her any more than he had Alexis, but the fear that his opinions, and his feelings, meant nothing made his chest and arms ache.

Alexis had returned to college after Sunday lunch which had been an uncomfortable affair as Alexis had scowled throughout. Kate was visibly more relaxed once she left. They had done the washing up together and Erin had gone to her room to give the kittens their lunch. Kate was in their room looking up cinema listings for the evening and running a bath. As he was walking upstairs to take fresh bowls for the kittens, Erin came running out of the bathroom, yelling.

'Kate! Kate!' she screamed. He dropped the bowls and ran up the rest of the stairs two at a time. She dived away from him.

'What is it?' he said, blood thundering in his ears. Something must have happened to one of the kittens.

'Kate, where's Kate?' she shouted again, trying to push past him.

'It's okay, what is it? I'm here,' he panted, grabbing her shoulders.

'I'm bleeding,' she wheezed. 'I don't want you; I want Kate!' She shoved him with two hands square in the chest.

'Bleeding, what do you mean, you're bleeding?' Like lightning, his eyes roamed over her. There was no sign of injury. She had come from the bathroom. It took a second to put the pieces together.

Lowering his voice and bending down to her eye level, he said: 'Erin, it is your period? Have you never had one before?'

She shook her head vehemently and this time she was quiet when she sobbed, choking on her tears: 'I want Kate.'

Now, he stood at the bottom of the staircase, ruffled and confused. When he called for her, Kate had reacted instantly and rushed to Erin's side and shooed him away. He felt useless and rejected. Of course, Erin would want her mother, but it was like a punch to the gut that when he was there to help, she didn't want him at all. Not only that, but she had also physically pushed him away. He had successfully fathered a teenage girl, none of this was new to him, so what if he was a man? He stomped to the kitchen and packed away the last of the washing up; pans clanged angrily as he chucked them in the cupboards.

Alexis still had some sanitary products in the upstairs bathroom and Kate found them without asking. Not too long afterwards, Kate came downstairs carrying her duvet and pillow which she laid out on the couch. Erin sheepishly followed, her arms crossed tightly over her lower torso. She did look a little green.

'Erin's not feeling too good,' Kate whispered as she fluffed up the pillow, titling her head towards her daughter.

'We have a hot water bottle that Alexis liked to use. I'll get it,' he said flatly, hiding his resentment.

When he returned, Erin was stretched out and Kate sat at the end of the couch; there was barely any room for him. I bet the kittens would find space on there if they could get downstairs, he thought bitterly.

'We're just gonna watch movies for the rest of the day, okay, babe?' They looked so cosy together and suddenly he didn't know where he fit in.

Saturday 8 December

Castle's feelings of rejection and jealousy grew as the week wore on. Erin had been subdued for the first few days, preferring to read or watch movies in the evenings with Kate instead of playing computer games with him. His attempts to tease or joke around had only made her irritable. Alexis's words haunted him: was he really coming in second and was he being taken for granted? It seemed he had very little time with either Kate or Erin.

Now, on a Saturday evening, finally, they had the place to themselves. Jim had taken Erin to see an exhibition soccer game (or had Erin taken Jim?) though he had promised he would introduce her to baseball when the season started next spring. Jim had never watched a soccer game and on Kate's birthday Erin had spent a long time filling him in on the rules. Kate had been planning on going too (Castle had passed when offered a ticket) but Martha - God love her, sometimes she could be wonderful – had told them in no uncertain terms that she would be going out for the evening. Jim had, in that lovely discrete way that Castle had come to admire, guided Erin out of the loft before Kate knew what was happening.

He opened a bottle of wine (nothing special, just a Beaujolais his poker pals had recommended) and placed two large glasses on the kitchen island. Her goofy surprised smile (damn, she was adorable) at their sudden alone time was at odds with the nausea that had plagued him for days. She was completely oblivious to his disquiet.

'Beckett, we need to talk. About Erin.'

Kate was about to take her first sip but placed her wine glass back on the kitchen table. She crossed her arms, the smile fading in an instant. 'What's going on, Castle? You're having second thoughts?'

'What? Oh, no, no, nothing like that.' Wow, she makes some big leaps sometimes. 'It's not what I think about Erin, no, no, I think she's great. It's what she thinks of me.'

Kate laughed, her concern evaporating as suddenly as it had appeared. 'What do you mean? She thinks the world of you. You're always joking around together; she loves hanging out with you.' She tossed back her hair as she took a swig and shuddered with pleasure.

Undeterred, he thrust his hands on his hips, his chest tight and constricted. 'Is that all I am, then? The fun guy? I could have helped you know. This week. Getting her period. I went through all that with Alexis - by myself I might add, Meredith was in a show in Europe at the time,' he said, pointing with an outstretched arm to an imaginary continent. 'And it was like none of my parenting experience meant anything. To you or to her. It's like I didn't exist.'

'Oh, Castle, you can't take that personally,' she said, waving a hand casually. She slid from her stool and went to the fridge where she rummaged in the salad drawer.

'Well, I do. I do take it personally.' Why was she not getting it? 'I know she's not my daughter, but I'm as invested in Erin as much as you are,' he persisted, not waiting for her to face him. Finally, he had her attention. She stood up straight and, holding a stick of celery in one hand and a blue-cheese dip in the other, she shut the fridge door with a foot. She frowned as she walked back to her stool. Would she just hurry up and speak. He had been holding onto these fears for days now.

When she spoke, it was slow and considered: 'You know, Rick, you have been an amazing father to Alexis, but you did it on your own. Not only that but you were a single child to a single mother. You've never experienced co-parenting before, either as a child or a parent. You're so used to being in control, it's understandable that you would feel insecure having to share the parenting.'

His mouth dropped. The thought hadn't even occurred to him, he had only felt hurt and left out as if the two of them had something he could never be a part of. It was rare that he ever gave much thought to what impact not having a father had had on him. His life had turned out great so what would be the point? But when he did find himself wistfully imagining, he thought only about what it would be like to know the man; he had never considered that he had missed out on the dynamic of having two parents.

'This has been such an emotional roller coaster for me, and you've been so strong here by my side supporting me, and Erin,' she said in earnest. 'But we're partners, I am here for you too. What did you say to me? Make sure I talk to you about my worries because I can't assume you know what I'm thinking? Works both ways, babe.' She peered over her wine glass, her eyes wide.

Of course, she would throw his own words back at him. And being his words, he couldn't argue with them. The pent-up anger was starting to dissipate but he remained standing still and tense, a muscle in his jaw pulsating. She leaned over the counter to him. Somehow, she was finding the right balance of concern and calm which made it easier to fill his lungs more fully.

'You know, Castle, when I was a kid, I used to play my parents off each other, when I could get away with it. If one said no, I immediately asked the other one before they could tell each other what they had told me!' She dipped her celery stick into the dip and took a loud crunch. 'Other times,' she continued with her mouth full, 'I naturally gravitated to my mom or my dad. She was more lenient in my teens, so I pushed against my father's rules. But we also had our times together when it just us – she never came to our baseball games. When I was sick, it was Mom I wanted. I didn't want two people to comfort me, it was too much. That's all that happened with Erin, she's not rejecting you or your parenting experience.'

The tightness in his chest eased. Everything she said made logical sense. Beckett's mother's death had been the defining trauma of her life that it was easy to forget that before that she had had a very stable upbringing that was quite different to his. No wonder she hadn't been alert to his insecurity before he spoke up. She was right, he needed to explain fully. He took a deep breath and spoke quickly, without pausing:

'I worry that she just sees me as the fun uncle or something. Good for a laugh but when it comes to the heavy stuff, she doesn't trust me. It's like she doesn't care about what I think because I don't mean anything to her. Is it because you're the biological parent, I'll always be second? It's you she makes orange juice for!' His voice felt like it would break; how had this girl been in their lives such a short time and yet already he felt so affected by her?

She put the food down and walked round the counter and tenderly stroked one cheek with a thumb. Quietly, she said: 'Rick, I see that completely differently. She makes orange juice for me because I'm the one she's worried might reject her – which given our biological relationship is understandable, no? It's been so wonderful watching you two together – she feels easy and free around you, why do you underestimate the value of that? And maybe I've been a little bit jealous of you too, it seems so easy for you,' she admitted.

So, this is what sharing and trusting feels like, he really ought to have spoken up sooner. He covered her hand with his own.

'And you not mean anything to her? She let a kitten die because she didn't want to upset you.'

'You mean she was scared of me,' he pulled his hand away. Kate reached forward and grabbed both hands in each of hers and squeezed tightly.

'Scared of you rejecting her or being angry with her. Not because she knows that's the kind of person you are but because she has abandonment issues and is going to find it hard to trust us. That shows me how much she is bonding with you, she really cared what you think.'

'You think so?'

'I know so. You really don't need to worry so much.' He sniffed and nodded and squeezed her hands back.

'It's not just me that worries.'

'Alexis?'

'Mmm hmm. She's finding this all harder than I thought she would.' He let Kate pull him to the couch, grabbing their wine on the way. She patted the seat next to her. He released a lungful of air. She had been insensible to his apprehension but now, she was as attentive as he could ask for.

'She's been great with Erin, hasn't she? Is there something I should know?' She tucked her legs underneath each other to face him.

'No, not at all. It's you she's struggling with,' he sighed. He hadn't wanted to burden Kate with Alexis's worries but since they were being open this was the time to admit everything.

'She thinks you're using me, that you put Erin before me. That you all bullied me into keeping the cats even though you knew how I felt.' It had made him feel uncomfortable when Alexis had suggested this, but the idea had wormed and nestled its way into his mind.

Kate nodded slowly, understanding dawning. 'Alexis may be an adult but she's a young adult, and a protective only-child, so I get why she might think like that.

'You don't see me like that, though, do you, Rick? Bullying you? Families have to compromise and yeah, I pushed you: it's our home too.'

'No, of course I don't think you're bullying me. I felt bamboozled by you three but to say I was bullied implies I had no agency. It's still hard getting used to not always having the final say about things. I don't think I realised just how much I've been able to do that in my life. But I don't care in the way Alexis thinks I should about spending money on the kittens. I can see how happy they make Erin and that is what matters to me.'

Furthermore, he wasn't sure how he was going to live it down when they learned that the kittens were starting to grow on him. At one point during the week, he had stumbled upon Erin walking around her room with the kittens following her in a line like ducklings and despite himself he had found the scene charming. They never scratched nor bit any of them even though their playfighting with each other was often intense. When he fed them, and they fell asleep in his lap milk-drunk he had to admit that his fears seemed absurd.

What's more, he realised what a fool he was being for allowing Alexis's point of view to fuel any doubt about Kate's commitment to him. Gina had accused him of not sharing Alexis, but he couldn't throw that accusation at Kate. Alexis had more than suggested that everything was one-way traffic, that he was the one putting Kate's needs ahead of his. But actually, she had put a lot of trust in him: she hadn't interfered when he had helped Espo and Ryan with the case; she hadn't come rushing home when he had told her Erin was sick and he had decided to let her stay home. For a control freak like her that was a huge compromise. Their romantic partnership and her parental relationship with Erin are entirely different so he, and Alexis, shouldn't be comparing them. It occurred to him that, for once, Alexis wasn't being the responsible adult to his immature child. In fact, their roles were being reversed to their natural order and that what she really needed right now was her dad to reassure her, not allow her anxieties to stoke his.

'I don't know what to do about Alexis. I want her to trust me, but she seems so threatened.' Kate brushed her hair back from her face.

'That's on me. I got angry with her at first and maybe I haven't given her the attention she needs. She was so ready for college, and I was so worried about how I would miss her, perhaps I haven't seen that leaving home and then all this happening has been difficult for her. She'll come round to you; we just need to show her how solid we are. She just worries you're going to hurt me.'

'I guess I deserve that,' she murmured.

'When it comes to you and me, Kate, the only opinions that matter are ours. What you said before, do you think I would have second thoughts about Erin?'

'Oh… I,' she stammered.' No, of course not, I guess, I just…'

It was his turn to take her hands in his. ''Cos I'm all in, Kate. You and Erin. You know that, right? And whatever Alexis thinks, I know that you're not putting Erin before me - you're working hard learning how to be a parent and that's consuming a lot of your time.'

'I'm sorry, I don't think you'll walk away, that's not fair of me. Maybe I've been sensing that you've been off, but I didn't know what you were thinking, and I panicked. You should talk to me about this stuff, not sit on it and get resentful. I don't judge you for having these feelings. You know it just makes me love you all the more that you care so much.' She leaned in and whispered: 'And in case you ever doubted it, I'm all in too.'

'I think I know what the problem really is.' He shifted closer, narrowing the space between them.

'Oh yeah?' She licked her bottom lip slowly.

'We've not had enough time together, just you and me. Care to join me in the boudoir?'

'Why, Mr Castle, I thought you'd never ask.'

Many hours later

The rest of the evening had been just what the doctor (or more worryingly and don't think about it, their parents) ordered. As he sunk into the sofa with his feet crossed on the coffee table, he felt sated and lighter than he had in weeks. Kate had dealt with his fears so deftly and easily, he felt closer to her than ever; it had been silly to let his insecurities build. She wasn't meant to be on call but with one staffing complication or another, a murder had happened, and Detective Beckett was needed. He didn't get as much time to read as he liked so he had taken the opportunity to gander at the competition and speed through Paterson's latest. He was just about to discover who the killer was when the silence was broken by Jim and Erin clattering through the front door.

'So, what is that offside rule again?'

'Again, Grandpa?'

What did she just say? Grandpa? Well, that escalated quickly, he thought. When Erin's adopted parents had died there had been no other family so presumably, she had never had grandparents in her life, she had certainly never mentioned them, not that she mentioned anything about the past if she could help it. Calling Jim Grandpa wouldn't have quite the emotional heft that would come if Erin ever wanted to give Kate a new nomenclature, he presumed.

Erin waved at Rick then headed to her room, as she now always did when she got home, desperate to check on the kittens. He wouldn't mention that after Kate had left, he had snuck into her room to check himself. He had even closed the door behind him not wanting to spend the evening playing 'chase the kitten'. Not one of the mass of silver, black and orange in their basket had stirred from their slumber.

Castle offered Jim a lemonade which he accepted, and they sat at the table.

'Wow, "Grandpa". Erin has really taken a shine to you.'

Jim shrugged but his modest smile belied a distinct pride. 'She's a great kid. She reminds me so much of Katie but she's her own person. She asked me what I called my grandparents and then asked if I would like her to do the same. I said, if she wanted to then I would be honoured. She does like to wander off though, doesn't she?' Castle nodded. He still hadn't told Kate about the bagel incident on her birthday.

'When is Katie going to be back? I have some news on something she asked me to look into a while ago.'

'Oh yeah, she told me she'd asked you about Erin's parents' wills. Good news?'

'There's a trust, yes. I don't know why Child Services didn't tell her about it.'

'Child Services haven't been much help. Kate hasn't been able to locate any of Erin's stuff, she's worried it's all been thrown away.'

'There's a lawyer she should talk to.' Jim handed him a business card.

The last time he and Jim had been alone together, Jim had asked him to watch out for his daughter. Things had moved on since then and suddenly he felt uncomfortable as it hit him that Jim was now his girlfriend's dad. And that his girlfriend's dad knew perfectly well what he and Kate had been up to this evening. He stood up, needing some distance. Erin bounded down the stairs.

'Do you wanna come and see the kittens, Grandpa?'

Jim's response was interrupted by the loud sound of Castle's phone ringing. Without looking at the caller id, he answered:

'Hey Beckett, what's-'

The colour in his face drained away as he listened to the sound of Kevin Ryan's voice. Trembling, he lowered the phone and looked at Erin and Jim.

'Kate's been shot.'

A/N: Say whaaaat? She did what?

#sorrynotsorry

1) So, like in 24 we asked the question 'when do they use the loo?' I kept asking myself, 'how will these kittens be litter trained without their mother?' Paragraphs I wrote about this. Paragraphs. Then I figured Castle readers really, really, don't care about this question and so if you're really interested, Google it and take a guess that that's what they did! Maybe one day I'll write an insert chapter on the subject! (Unlikely.)

2) Child Services. In this story they come off terribly. That's purely artistic license so I can tell the story I want to tell.

3) Oh, my goodness, you are the best. Thank you for your really kind and encouraging reviews. I was feeling really fragile after the previous chapter and you boosted me right up, thank you! Loving this little corner of the internet. And a massive shout out to those of you who come back chapter after chapter and post a review. You know who you are and you rock.

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