DISCLAIMER: *jeopardy music* Who do the X-Men belong to? Is it A) Marvel, or B) Me? Yes, it's A! You all get to read this fic!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: You wanted more? Well, your funeral! I was asked to make this a long chapter, and it is longer. But it isn't long. If you have read my Green Eyed Girl, or X-Men on Jerry Springer fics then you will know what I consider to be average length. I actually got complaints from friends that the chapters were too long. Well, whatever. Umm, read!
"HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPP!"
Evan's plead raced through the mansion, tearing down passageways, and screaming up staircases. Not a single person in the mansion missed out on hearing it, and all cringed as delicate eardrums protested. Then, ignoring Evan, they went about their business.
Evan waited expectantly at the base of the stairs for a reply. When none came, scowling, he ran upstairs, and pounded on the first door he came to.
"Hey!" He hollered. "Rogue, lemme in already!"
"Rack off!" Evan faintly heard her voice yelling from the other side. Or at least, it was something along those lines. It was a bit hard to hear her over the Gothic music that was belting out of the speakers inside.
"Damnit Rogue, this is important!"
There was the sound of footsteps, and Rogue flung the door open. "What tha hell do ya want?" She demanded impatiently. Evan's only response was his jaw dropping, and eyes bugging out. "Well? What's wrong with ya?"
"You...you're..." Evan stammered.
"Yes...?" Rogue drawled.
"Why so dressed up?" he managed to squeak out.
Rogue glanced down at her extremely short black dress. "Oh this? Ah'm going out tonight with that nice Cajun boy, Remy."
Evan frowned. "Who?"
She sighed impatiently, and rapped him over the head with her knuckles. "Hello? Haven't ya read all those fics by disgruntled Remy fans? Get with the times!"
He shook his head, dumbfounded. Everyone knows about these "fics" but me! It's a conspiracy! Suddenly he noticed something. "Hey!" Evan exclaimed. "Where's your gloves?"
Rogue shrugged. "Miracle cure." she explained. "Gotta love them plot devices, shugah." She squeezed past him, and walked down the hallway unsteadily on her extremely high heels. Evan watched her go, a thin trickle of drool creeping from the corner of his mouth. Then, he snapped back to his senses. "Damn, forgot to ask her about my costume!" He cursed to himself. Then, he got a very anime look of surprise on his face. "And did Rogue just call me sugar?"
After pondering this disturbing development in Rogue's behavior for a few moments, he shuddered, and moved down the hallway to Scott's door. Without knocking, he barged in- and was confronted with one of the most frightening sights ever.
Scott was passionately making out with a pillow. "Oh Jean." He murmured to it, it between slobbery kisses. "You are so beautiful."
Evan gaped for a moment. "That is just weird!" he yelled, and Scott dropped the pillow, face turning bright red.
"Evan, this isn't what it looks like." The glassered mutant began to explain.
SLAM!
Evan slammed the door to the den of inequity shut behind him, and shivered he got an unholy case of the creeps, before dashing down the hallway to Kurt's room. Throwing open the door, he ran it, and locked it behind him. Then, he spun around, and yelped in surprise. "Kurt!"
Kurt was hanging upside down from a pole he had specifically asked to be put on the ceiling, his face only a few inches from Evan's. "Guten Morgen.
Evan breathed out a sigh of relief. Finally, someone acting normally! "What did you do this time?"
Kurt grinned, yellow eyes flashing with amusement. "I replaced all of her N'Sync CD's vith some of my burnt CD's of ze Beetles. She vas horrified."
Evan chuckled, as he imagined the look on Kitty's face. "I'll bet. Kurt, I have a question for you."
Kurt BAMF!ed down from the ceiling. "Vhat is it? If it's about ze coffee stains and the blue fur stuck to your math homework, I know nozing!"
Evan shook his head. "No, it's about-" he paused. "WHAT?!"
Kurt laughed uneasily. "Nozing!" He reassured Evan hastily. "Go on!"
Evan scowled, as he thought of his poor massacred homework, then asked his question. "Kurt, why aren't there holes in my costume?"
Kurt blinked in surprise. "Uh, probably to spare our eyes."
Evan groaned. "No, when I pop my spikes! Why aren't there holes in my clothes?"
Kurt gave him a funny look. "Evan, If I have mis-interpreted vhat you are saying, forgive me...but are you hitting on me?"
Evan gaped at Kurt. "What?! No! I just wanted to know why I get holes in my clothes when I shoot spikes out, but not when I'm in my uniform."
The blue mutant considered this for a moment. "Hmm. I never thought about zat before. I'll help you find ze answer, if you vant. Vhat made you bring it up?"
"This really weird chick appeared outta nowhere today, and fell on me." Evan explained. "She called herself an author, and asked me the question."
Kurt's face seemed to go a little pale underneath the fur. "Did you say 'author'?" he stammered.
"Yeah, I did. Kurt, what's wrong?"
"Get out!" Kurt unlocked the door, and pushed Evan out. "Go! Don't talk to me until ze fic you are in is done. I don't want to be associated vith any more of zem!"
"What are you doing?" Evan yelled, trying to push his way back into the room.
Kurt BAMF!ed. When he reappeared, he was curled up into a ball in the large armchair in the corner of the room, rocking back and forth. His tail twitched madly. "They're vatching me." he whispered. "I can feel zeir eyes on my right now. Zey vant me, you know." he looked around furtively, then whispered conspiratorially to Evan, "I have to be careful zese days. It's too hard to talk to anyone. Zey could be a former girlfriend. I can't even look Kitty in ze eye anymore."
Evan approached his friend in crime slowly. "Kurt, who's watching you?"
"Ze authors, of course." Suddenly, Kurt's yellow eyes took on a decidedly manic tinge. "Don't come near me! I'll be associated vith you, and I'll be included in a story. JUST BACK AWAY!"
Evan raised his arms in a defensive gesture. "Ok! I'm leaving now." He told Kurt slowly. Carefully, he backed out of the room. Kurt's eyes remained locked on him the whole way. The moment Evan stepped out of the room, Kurt BAMF!ed over to the door, and slammed it shut. Evan heard the lock snicker shut.
"Am I the only one who hasn't gone nuts?" Evan wondered aloud. He decided to go downstairs and check out the rec.-room, and kitchen, to see if there was anyone else there who could help him with his predicament.
~~~~~
"Where's that damned salami?" Evan heard Logan muttering, as he came into the kitchen. He was greeted by a view of Logan's butt, as the hairy mutant leaned further in to the fridge in search of the wayward lunch meat.
"Ahem." Evan said.
"I can smell it, I know it's here..."
"AHEM!"
"What do you want, kid?" Logan growled, without turning around. "And it better be damned good, cause I'm busy."
Evan winced, and sat down at the table. The last thing he wanted to do was annoy the Wolverine, but he knew that the man had seen quite a few things in his long life- maybe even self-repairing costumes. "It's good, alright. And if you listen and help me out, I'll tell you where the salami is."
Logan quickly withdrew from the fridge, managing to bash his head against the top of it in the process. "Deal. What's your question?"
Evan grinned. Finally, progress! And all he had to give in exchange was the location of some meat. Now that he thought about it, that would make a pretty good Monty Python movie..."Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Lunchmeat"...
"KID!"
Logan's yells cut through Evan's daydreaming. "Oh, sorry." he said, grinning sheepishly. Logan just looked annoyed, and Evan decided to quickly ask his question and get out of there. "Why don't I have holes in my costume?"
Logan raised an eyebrow quizzically. "What?"
"Well, when I shoot spikes out of my normal clothing, I get huge holes in it." Evan explained. "But when I shoot them outta my costume, there's nothing there. I want to know what's up with that."
The older mutant shook his head in exasperation. "Kid, why are you asking me for help with clothing matters?"
"Because no one else seems to know why." Evan told him miserably. "I think I've been warped mentally just because of one little question."
"Who have you asked?"
Ticking them off on his fingers, Evan said, "Well, there was Kitty, and Rogue, and Jean, and Scott..." that one was accompanied by a shudder, "...and Kurt, before he went crazy."
Logan laughed a bit. "You saw all of them, and me, and didn't go to Chuck or 'Ro? If you need help, they're the ones to see. Heck, even Magneto'd be a better choice."
Evan ducked his head in shame. "Yeah, you're right. Sorry to have bothered you. It's just that ever since that weird author girl asked me the question, I've just been really desperate for an answer."
SNICK!
Evan hastily stood up, and backed away, as Logan's adamantium claws popped out of his hands, and began waving dangerously near his neck. Logan also stood up, keeping his claws right near Evan.
"Ya been befriendin' an author?" Logan asked, voice low and dangerous.
Evan shook his head wildly. "Nope. No, never. Just happened to run into one." He laughed nervously. "Um, can I go now?"
Logan's deadly claws stayed near Evan, and the blond teenager gulped uneasily. "Sure you can go." Logan told him, mock pleasantly. "On two conditions."
Evan nodded. "Yep, anything you want sir."
Logan grinned a feral grin. "Firstly- after I'm finished with you, you leave this kitchen, and don't come near me again until the author has finished her story. Ok?"
"That's fine with me." Evan assured hastily.
Logan grinned again. "Secondly- you tell me where I can find that blasted salami!"
~~~~~
Evan dashed out of the mansion, throwing his board to the ground, and skating up the driveway as fast as possible. After quickly showing Logan where to find his meat, he had decided to be far, far away from the mansion for a while, just in case the hairy mutant decided to change his mind. He'd find the answer to his question some other time.
Wheels scraping on the Bayville sidewalks, he swerved around pedestrians, and ignored the yells of outrage as he made his way towards the movie theater. What he needed was a good ol' dose of wild Hollywood stunts and effects to ease his mind.
Grinding to a halt in front of the cinema, Evan walked inside, and began debating over which movie to see. Tomb Raider looked pretty cool...then again, so did Swordfish. He stopped for a moment to ponder the mysterious resemblance between Hugh Jackman and Wolverine, before he came across a movie that looked all right.
Shrek.
Humming cheerfully to himself, Evan walked over to the ticket booth, and got in line.
"Hey, look who it is, yo?"
Evan groaned, and turned around slowly. There, he was confronted by the wickedly grinning faces of the Brotherhood. "Hey Pietro. Lance. Todd. Fred."
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Well, that was a pointless chapter, wasn't it? Evan got nowhere with his problem! Why do I even bother typing this crap...? Next chapter...will the Brotherhood assist with solving Evan's dilemma? Or will they just laugh, and throw popcorn at him? Review, and I'll type another chapter.