by Avalon (avalon99@telusplanet.net)
fanfic at http://members.dencity.com/avalon_online
PG-13, S/J, part 1/6
THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD I
The Woman on the Road I Met
It didn't feel like home anymore. Jack straightened his shoulders and looked out across the still-cratered area where the Stargate stood. The way the late afternoon sun glinted on Edora's distant hills, the cool breeze, carrying the scent of distant fields... It should have all felt familiar. But it wasn't. It didn't make any sense. He hadn't been away that long. Just two short months ago he had been convinced he would spend the rest of his life here, would make his home here, with Laira. But now...
Jack sighed and turned to look at the still active Stargate. The SGC and the Edorans had worked hard over the last couple of months to get it back in its upright position. They had done a good job. It was working perfectly. As he watched, the rippling event horizon flared briefly then vanished, leaving only the ring itself, standing alone in the barren landscape like a sentinel.
A shudder went through him and Jack's frown deepened. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he shake this feeling of...it was almost a sense of impending doom, as if the brightness of the day were hiding something evil. Malevolent. Or...
"Stupid," he thought irritably. It was only his sense of duty that was making him so edgy. He should be with his team on PX3-1142, not...
Not here. The thought hit him remorselessly. He didn't belong here. He never had. He had only been pretending to himself and to Laira, trying to fit in when it had seemed he had no other choice. But he couldn't. Not really. Not when everything important to him, everything that made him him was back on Earth. At the SGC. Damn it, he was a soldier, not a farmer. What had he been thinking?
It was as if the fog he had been living in for the last two months suddenly vanished and for the first time he could see clearly. Building a relationship with Laira, trying to learn to grow things, and worse -- giving up on his team, losing faith that they would find a way to bring him back, no matter what the cost, had been a mistake. A big one. And he had the unpleasant feeling that it wasn't going to be an easy one to put right. Things had...changed, since his return. The easy camaraderie with Daniel, Teal'c, and Carter that he had once taken for granted was no longer quite there. And he hadn't been able to shake the growing feeling that there was something important that he was missing, something they weren't telling him...
He still felt guilty for the way he had treated Carter. He hadn't missed the brief flash of hurt in her eyes as he had walked away from her in mid-sentence, not listening to her explanation of how they had rescued him. "So what else is new, Jack?" he thought grimly. He had treated her badly. And somehow he hadn't been able to apologize. It was as if, if he did bring it up, too many other emotions would come boiling to the surface. Emotions that were better left buried.
He had noticed how tired she was. Someone later had mentioned the all-nighters she had pulled, constantly struggling to find a way to bring him home. But he hadn't been able to mention that either, hadn't been able to thank her properly. Or any of them for that matter. Not for the first time did he curse his inability to reveal his true feelings. He was grateful. He just couldn't tell them.
Someone was coming. As he so often did, Jack ruthlessly clamped down on his emotions, tossing them to the back of his mind where they wouldn't bother him, with the ease of long practice. But this time, a distant part of him wondered just how long he would be able to keep this up, how long he could put off facing his responsibilities...
Speaking of responsibilities... The person drawing nearer was Laira, her dress a flash of colour in the dry landscape. "Oh god. What if she is pregnant?" Jack could feel his mouth going dry at the thought. He didn't love her. He knew that now. He liked and admired her, but he didn't love her. He had been drunk and she had wanted him, and... No. No excuses. It didn't matter. He was...the phrase "an officer and a gentleman" flashed through his mind and even as he cringed inwardly at the cliche, it nevertheless rang true. Honour was not just a word. It was...it was most of what he was. Unconsciously he straightened even further. If Laira was carrying his child, then he would do the right thing, despite...despite what it would cost him.
She drew closer and smiled up at him. He tried to smile back but failed miserably. "Fair day, Jack." She was just the same as he remembered -- the same warm smile, same hair, same open gaze. He couldn't quite resist the impulse to shoot a furtive glance at her stomach, but of course there was no sign of...anything. Not that there would be...yet.
"Fair day, Laira." His voice sounded hollow, even to him.
She shot him a quick glance, noticing the way his eyes had dropped, and her smile took on a rueful tinge. "You look as if you are waiting for...how do you put it? The other shoe to fall..."
"I..."
She sighed then, an expression of regret passing over her face as she touched her abdomen briefly. "You need not worry. I am not with child." There was real sorrow in her voice.
Was she just saying that, Jack wondered? She was an honourable woman, a good person. If she realized how he was feeling (and how could she not? -- he was practically vibrating with the tension), then perhaps she would lie, say it to set him free...
No. Whatever else she was, Laira believed in the truth. If he was going to be a father, she would tell him. She wouldn't lie, not about this.
His first reaction was relief, a great feeling of disaster averted that swept over him like a tidal wave. His second was contrition and quiet sorrow -- for her.
"I"m sorry," he said simply.
"No you're not," she said, matter-of-factly. "You are relieved."
"I...Laira..."
Gently, she reached up one hand to quiet him, her fingers pressing softly against his lips. "No, Jack. You don't have to say anything. I only asked you to come here, to see if....if we might have a future together, if you would perhaps come back to me. But I have my answer now."
"I'm sorry," he said again, a brief surge of anguish going through him. He was hurting her. He didn't mean to, but still he was doing it. What was the matter with him? Why couldn't he seem to stop causing pain to all the women in his life? "Are...are you all right about this?" God, that was lame.
She shook her head. "No. Not really. But I will be, given time." She sighed then smiled at him again, perhaps not so brightly as before, but nevertheless a smile. "Come back to the village with me. There are many that would like to see you again."
He hesitated then nodded. "All right." He owed her that much.
She smiled again, a real one this time, and suddenly it was all right. There would always be memories, and perhaps a sense of "what if", Jack realized, but whatever had happened during his hundred days on Edora was over now. He could move on. And so could she. This time his own smile was wide and untarnished by fears. Relief still going through him, he pulled her into a hug.
"Thank you," he whispered into her hair.
* * *
It was with a much lighter heart that Jack headed back through the Stargate, turning to give one final wave to Laira and her son.
"First thing," he thought as he stepped into the vortex and felt the molecules of his body begin to dissolve, "I'm going to find Carter and thank her for getting me home, even if it is two months late. I'll even listen to her explanation of how she did it..." And then he was immersed in the wormhole, feeling the familiar icy cold as he rematerialized on the other side.
He took a quick step forward and regained his balance, a smile still on his lips. Then he looked up...and froze.
Teal'c was standing at the bottom of the ramp beside General Hammond. "They got back quickly," was his first thought. His second was: "Something's wrong." There was something in the expression on the General's face, something in Teal'c's eyes... There was no sign of Daniel or Carter, Jack realized distantly. A chill shot through him.
"What?" he asked, bracing himself.
The General's jaw tightened and he hesitated, then spoke in flat, emotionless tones. "SG1 was attacked on PX3-1142 by Apophis' forces. Doctor Jackson is in the infirmary. And...Major Carter did not make it back. She's... missing...possibly killed in action."
And the bottom dropped out of Jack's world.
END OF PART ONE