CRAZY COURT
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Tenchi Muyo, related characters, related ideas, or related anything.
Unfortunately, neither am I related to Tenchi by way of Juraian blood (at least I don't think so...
I've never really taken blood tests. Maybe sometime I should.) I don't think there's any way I can
claim Tenchi, really, so I am just using them for nonprofit. Therefore, you cannot sue me.
HAHAHAHAHAHA I HAVE THWARTED YOUR EVIL PLANS!!!!!
WARNING: This story is only for the insane. If you are not insane, please don't read this.
CONTACT: dude_tenchi@hotmail.com. Hate mail senders will give me the pleasure of using the
"block this address" link for the first time. Please, send me ideas of what to write!! Insane ideas,
normal ideas... send 'em in. Until then I'll keep dishing out junk stories with no point.
DISCLAIMER: I often make reference to songs I am listening to while writing my stories. If you
notice a phrase that matches certain ideas in songs you hear, just realize I was most likely listening
to that song!! I do not own any bands (yet), so if I make reference to them, I am not claiming
them. (Obviously)
NOTICE: I do not know how court proceeds in America, let alone Japan. Therefore, I shall make
up my own court system. My stories are my own, and they are my own world. Nothing in my
story has to be in "correctness" with this world. Therefore, I am stating that my court system in my
story is MINE, and ANYTHING that I want can happen. Thank you.
NOTICE: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
by Dude Jupiter
Mr. Biggenphatte turned the key to his office. Everything was quiet and still. It was
perfectly dark.
He pushed the door to his office open. It, too, was completely pitch black. The sun had not
yet come up. It was about four in the morning.
But Mr. Biggenphatte was president of the Okayama Architectural Thingie Doodle! He
woke up every morning at 3 AM, showered and got ready and was in the office by 4 AM. He
would sit behind his desk, doing paper work and things, and work all day until 10 PM. Then he'd
go home, kiss his wife, and go to bed.
Biggenphatte strode into his office. He was especially happy this morning! He looked
forwards to a day of doing things that made bosses happy... harassing employees, maybe firing a
few on whims... practicing golf in the office... sniffing crisp trillion dollar bills (or the equivalent in
Japanese money, whatever that is)... inventing "my employee is so stupid that..." jokes...
He switched on the office lights and walked over to his desk.
His eyes widened in horror.
His jaw dropped.
There, on his desk, it lay. Broken, bent at odd angles. No life left in it. On his desk.
Biggenphatte's eyes took in the way its body was bent at extremely odd angles. A blanket
of horror flew over his head.
Finally, he had enough mind to call the police. He broke away from the sick sight and
rushed over to the phone. He knew he should dial 911 (or whatever it is in Japan), but he couldn't
quite remember the phone number.
*Come on, Charles,* he told himself. *What's the number for 911?*
Oh, of course. 9-1-1.
Biggenphatte punched in the numbers and waited, until...
"Nine one one emergencies," a bored voice said. "What is it."
"I need some police!" Beggenphatte said desperately into the receiver. "There's a bent
paper-clip on my desk!"
"So?"
"Bent paper clip!" Biggenphatte said, exasperated. "Bent! You know what THAT means!"
"Oh, yeah," the woman said. "Okay, whatever, I'll send over a few investigation dudes. Is
the paper clip in immediate danger?"
"No. It's already dead."
"Is it breathing?"
"No."
"Then you should commence Cardio-Poluminary Resuscitation," the woman said.
"Eh?"
"CPR."
"It's dead!" Biggenphatte explained.
"Place your hands..."
Biggenphatte hung up. He had no intentions of learning how to give a paper clip CPR.
Charles Biggenphatte sighed. What kind of terrible person would do a horrible thing like
this?
* * *
"So you suspect employee theft?" the officer said.
Now, all sorts of officers were moving around Charles' office, examining things, taking
pictures. They had outlined the paper clip's form in chalk on the desk, and had taken it off to the
morgue for identification. They had put a white hanky over it... and that was the last Biggenphatte
had seen of this thing that would give him nightmares for months.
Charles nodded in answer. "Yes," he said. "What else could a bent clip on my desk mean?"
The officer shook his head. "Sick world we live in. Who, do you think, could have done
something like this?"
Charles took a moment to randomly pick an employee to blame for this.
*Now, let's see... who could I blame for this horrid act?*
"Nobayuki!" Charles said, his mind having landed on the poor man. "Nobayuki Masaki!
That would be my first guess."
"How many paper clips did you have in your paper clip holder last night before you left?"
the officer asked.
"Well, I counted them, as usual..." Biggenphatte said. "Let's see.... yes, I believe it was
213."
"We found 211 today," the officer said. "So the logical assumption would be that the culprit
stole two, murdered one and left it on your desk as a warning or something, and took the other.
He's most likely holding it hostage."
"Hostage?! Holding a paper clip hostage?!" Charles said incredulously. "You mean... one of
my paper clips may be in danger? Nooooooo!"
The officer put his arm around Charles in comfort as the poor boss wept. "We'll get your
paper clip back, Biggenphatte," he said. "I know it was precious for you. We won't let any Deadly
Assassins kill your paper clip." (I do not own Everlast)
"Gasp!" came an investigator's gasp.
"What?" the guy comforting the boss asked.
"We found a hair!" the investigator said.
The officer straightened. "Is it identified?"
The investigator held a magnifying glass up to it. "Yes."
"Lemme see!"
The officer took the glass and read the identification tag on the hair...
NOBAYUKI MASAKI
555 E TENCHI+RYOKO DRIVE
OKAYAMA, JAPAN 12345
(111)033-5684
TAG NUMBER 66457-45453-56853
ID 27482-34274628-2347264-34237
"It was Nobayuki!" the main officer said. "And we know where he's at."
* * *
Well, by gosh, first thing Tenchi sees when he wakes up is forty police cars outside his
window, their lights flashing, and behind each car a police officer, each one armed. Some wore
armor, some didn't, some had handguns, some shotguns, others things like handcuffs or whatever.
"Ryoko!" Tenchi called. "What has dad done this time?"
"I don't know!" Ryoko called back. Tenchi couldn't tell where she was, since his eyes were
fixed out the window to the guns aimed at the front door of his house.
"All right!" came a loud voice. Tenchi saw a man walk out from the masses of cars carrying
a portable loudspeaker thingie. "We know you're in there! And we know you have Charles'
Biggenphatte's paper clip! Give it back, surrender peacefully!"
"NEVER!" came a long, twisted, deranged shout from somewhere in the Masaki house.
"You aren't gonna make us start negotiations, are you?" the man asked.
"You think I gonna give this thing back without 'em?" Nobayuki shouted back. "Let's start:
one helicopter!"
"A helicopter?" the loudman said. "No way! Too expensive."
"Then I shoot this clip!"
"Wait, wait!" the guy with the speaker said. "Don't shoot! I didn't close negotiations yet...
so, uh... you want a helicopter? What for?"
"AND a pony!" Nobayuki shouted. "A pink one with fluffy hair with little curls!"
"A pony?"
"Yes!" Nobayuki shouted. "And it better have the curls!"
"We could... get you the pony!" the negotiator dude said back. "They don't come in pink
anymore though!"
"PINK! PINK! PINK!" Nobayuki screamed desperately.
Tenchi ran out of his room and down the steps. There he saw Nobayuki dressed up as the
tooth fairy. In his right hand he held a large handgun, and in the other he held a paper clip, tied
and gagged.
"Dad?" Tenchi said.
"Whatchu want?!" Nobayuki shouted to his son. "Can't you see I'm busy?!"
"Dad, let the paper clip go," Tenchi said, nervousness clogging his voice. "It's OKAY! The
guys in the blue suits WILL NOT HARM YOU!"
"BLLLLLAH!" Nobayuki shouted, slamming the barrel of the gun against the paper clip.
"Shut up or I blow this thing out of its life!"
Tenchi stepped back in fear of his dad holding a gun. The man had flipped his wig! He was
insane! (And everyone knew it was coming, too!)
"Tenchi, you called?" Ryoko asked, floating in. "Oh, geeze, I see your dad's gone insane
again! Will I have to beat him half dead like the last time?"
"Don't do it," Tenchi said, sweat forming on his brow. He shook involuntarily, worrying
about this poor hostage. "He's holding a paper clip hostage."
"Oh..." Ryoko gasped. "How... terrible!"
Nobayuki, hearing Ryoko's voice, quickly added something to his list of demands. "And
some girl who will marry me!"
Tenchi watched his dad, nervous. Would the guy kill him? Would he kill that innocent
paper clip?!
"A girl?" the negotiator called back.
"Yes!"
Suddenly, the loudspeaker crackled, and then on came a female voice. "Oh, Nobayuki! I
am an extremely hot woman, 30, with an attitude that will knock you dead! Come out to me and
we will escort you to jail... I'll accompany you in the back the ENTIRE WAY! The BACK SEAT!
COME TO ME, NOBAYUKI!"
Nobayuki screamed for joy, dropped the paper clip and gun, and charged out of the house.
Tenchi and Ryoko watched as twenty cops moved in. They pulled out their clubs and started
battering him. They beat him for another ten minutes or so before cuffing him, throwing him in the
back seat of a cop car, and leaving.
Ryoko looked on the verge of tears. "I can't believe this has happened to us," she said, fear
clouding her voice. She grabbed Tenchi and wept into his chest. Tenchi held her comfortingly,
knowing the trauma she had gone through. He looked up as the cop car went down the street,
knocking down a few innocent kids playing ball in the street.
* * *
"I always knew the young moron would flip out some day," Katsuhito said as he ate
Sasami's wonderful food. "Sure, he's gone insane a few times, but never this badly before."
"Oh, well!" Mihoshi said. "Now that he's finally gone, I can relax without him trying to
relax with me in a perverted way!"
"He was a perv," Washu said, putting in her two cents.
"Jeeze, you guys!" Tenchi said. "Can't you find anything good about him?!"
Katsuhito's glasses flashed as he moved his head up, like they always do on old Anime
Japanese guys when they are about to say something significant. So his glasses flashed, and you
couldn't see his eyes cuz the glare is in your way, and he said, "No."
"He had the hots for Mihoshi," Ayeka sighed.
Katsuhito's glasses flashed. "The fool."
"He had the hots for everyone," Washu added. "Except, of course, for Tenchi and Yosho."
Katsuhito's glasses flashed. "Foolishness. He was a fool."
"GEEZE!" Tenchi said, much louder than his original 'jeeze'. "Paleeze, he was my dad!
Can't you just shut up if you aren't gonna say something nice about him?!"
Katsuhito's glasses flashed. "No."
Tenchi glanced at Ryoko... the only one who hadn't made a comment thus far. She sat
innocently eating (devouring) her food. When she noted she was being watched, she cast an
upward glance. Her and Tenchi's eyes locked.
"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH!" Ayeka shouted. "I don't want any eye contact between
you two for more than ten consecutive seconds! Or I'll pick up my royal rear and hitchhike like
her highness back to Jurai!"
Ryoko gave Ayeka an "okay-go-ahead-and-do-it-princess-we-know-you're-all-words-and-
no-action-anyways-so-you-saying-that-doesn't-mean-a-thing-you-dirty-little-whimp" look while
Tenchi's gaze shifted momentarily away from her. (How she could fit all that information into a
look that could be interpreted by Ayeka I do not know, nor do I care. She must have been very
talented.)
Ayeka's eyes widened as she read the last paragraph. (Oh, so THAT's how she knew what
that look meant!) *Wow,* she thought. *This dude, Dude Jupiter, is completely insane! This story
REALLY needs to be MST'd!*
"RYOKO, WHAT WAS THAT LOOK FOR?!" Ayeka demanded. "By golly, I'll use my
princessly powers to annihilate you, you pirate prick!"
"Pirate prick?" Ryoko asked. *Lame.*
"It came to mind."
"Ah."
"Anyways!" Ayeka shouted. "Back to where I was! I'm going to ANNIHILATE YOU!"
Tenchi stood up. "I can't take any more of this," he announced. "I am going to go up to my
room and watch 72 consecutive hours of the Twilight Zone (I do not own the Twilight Zone) (But
I live there) while chewing my fingers to clear my mind."
"Wouldn't that... kinda... drive you insane?" Ryoko said.
"No."
"Oh."
* * *
The court date was set for the 32nd of February. (Unfortunately, when the 32nd never
came, it was reset to March 1st, or March 2nd if March 1st didn't come)
Meanwhile, Nobayuki sat in his cell. He did nothing all day but stare at the ventilation shaft.
He just sat there all day and stared at it. Not moving. He didn't even try to escape, that being the
most logical choice. (Well, of course! What do you do when you're in jail? Escape, duh!)
He didn't even eat. They had to feed him through his veins. He didn't move to sleep; guards
had to come in and lay him down, read him a story like "The Little Engine that Could"
(Nobayuki's personal favorite), and watch him fall to sleep.
On a more sickening note, he couldn't even use the restroom. On that issue I will not go
into detail.
Finally, the court day arrived. Having no lawyer, Tenchi decided to be his dad's lawyer.
(Remember, this is my story with my own law system, so... if you think you're great because
you're saying what I'm writing is wrong, just realize YOU'RE wrong, because I'm making this all
up! It's FICTION, okay?!)
Tenchi sat at that desk thingie, getting ready to look over the papers he had. They contained
very important notes in the defense of his dad. He opened his briefcase, and Lego's spilled out,
instead of his papers.
"SASAMI!" Tenchi shouted. He swirled around and looked at Sasami. She giggled and
waved.
Tenchi drew back his anger.
"Yo, peops," some dude screamed. "Get off your fat rears and stand up! The judge is comin
in!"
Everyone stood. A door opened, and a clown dressed in a black robe strode in. Really, he
was a clown... white, bald head, big red nose, painted face, the works, except he was in a black
robe.
The judge sat in his seat. "Sit down," the judge said.
"Objection!" the prosecutor shouted. "What is this, a court of clowns?!"
"Shut up!" the judge screamed. Then he straightened and folded his hands. "Okay, a few
words before the court, brought to you by our sponsors, Crest toothpaste (I do not own Crest) and
Herbal Essence Shampoo (I do not own Herbal Essence). We have some give-aways. Everyone
gets a free 'Judge Day' baseball cap, a Sammy Sosa baseball card, a bag of 100 marbles, and a
lolly-pop for everyone. Also, we have a big balloon for everyone that is a good boy or girl, and a
large, full-sized cardboard standee of Michael Jordan for the best behaved of all!"
Everyone gasped, determined to be good to get the prize. They all straightened and put on
their best smiles.
"YOU!" the judge screamed, pointing at a quiet lady sitting in the jury section. "YOU'RE
OUT OF ORDER! AND YOU!" he pointed at a guard. "YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER! YOU'RE ALL
OUT OF ORDER! THIS WHOLE COURT IS OUT OF ORDER!"
No one had so much as moved. The judge began to furiously pound with his little wooden
hammer. "SHUT UP!" he screamed, even though no one spoke so much as a whisper. "IF YOU
DON'T SHUT UP I'LL HAVE YOU ALL ESCORTED OUT OF COURT!"
He looked around the room, glaring at everyone. "There," he said. "That's better."
Nobayuki suddenly woke up, having been sleeping beside Tenchi.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he screamed.
"WHAT?!" the judge demanded.
"NOTHING!" Nobayuki screamed.
"Okay, prosecutor, present your case," the judge said.
"Hello, my name is Billy Bob," the prosecutor said. "And I just murdered three people.
Oops, I mean I'm very good at law junk. Now, we have proof that Nobayuki stole a paper clip
from his boss."
At this point, everyone in the court room gasped. They had never heard of such a terrible
act.
"No," Billy said. "Let me restate that - he stole TWO clips, killed one, and held the other
hostage!"
Everyone in the room gasped even louder than before. A few who couldn't stomach what
they'd just heard puked or passed out.
"What's the proof??" the judge asked, leaning forwards in his seat in expectation.
"We found a hair of his in the office," Billy Bob said. "It was identified as his."
The gasps were even louder. Even more people passed out, and new puddles of puke were
formed, or old ones were added onto.
"Enough said!" the judge shouted. "I declare Nobayuki Masaki guilty of theft, murder,
kidnapping, possession of an illegal weapon, screaming in court, and other things that maybe he
did! I sentence him to immediate death on the electric chair!"
"Wait!" Tenchi shouted. "I didn't get to defend him yet!"
"Oh, yeah," the judge said sadly. "Whatever. Get it over with so I can declare him guilty."
"I thought the jury had a part in that," Tenchi said.
"Nah," the judge said. "They all just go into a room, flip a coin, come up with a verdict.
Unless, of course, they've all been bribed, as is the case. My price was $40,000. I'm still trying to
find out what they've been bribed."
Tenchi stared dumbly at the judge.
The judge, realizing what he'd said, said, "Oh, I mean, I just found $40,000 by the side of
the road. It was labeled, 'To the Judge'."
"Anyways," Tenchi said. "My argument is: What if that hair had been planted?"
"It's obvious it hasn't," the judge said. "Now! Guil..."
"How do you know the paper clip my dad had was the stolen one?" Tenchi interrupted.
"Easy," the judge said. "The clip confessed to having been taken by Nobayuki from
Biggenphatte's office."
"What if the clip lied?" Tenchi said calmly.
The gasps were so extreme this time that a partial vacuum was created in the room. Even
more people passed out.
"Paper clips don't lie!" the judge said, his expression showing annoyance. "Now, on with
the good stuff. I pronounce Nobayuki guilty of..."
"What if that paper clip was brainwashed?!" Tenchi said.
Gasps. More passed out. More puke. Little streams of barf ran around the floor.
"What if the paper clip was told to confess what he did?!" Tenchi said.
The judge stuck out his lower lip and began to cry. "C'mon, man!" he said. "I just got a new
Barbie, and I'm wasting time here! I wanna play house!"
"How old was the paper clip?" Tenchi asked.
"Four months, one week, two days," Biggenphatte said. He looked hurt. "The... dead one...
was only... one week..." Biggenphatte began to cry. His cry was accompanied by gasps that turned
the room into a vacuum almost the likes of space, more barf, and more bodies piled on the floor."
"Bad, bad, bad!" the judge screamed. "GUILTY!"
"No," Tenchi said. "Not guilty. In fact, I think you killed the paper clip and framed
Nobayuki by driving him insane!"
"Unh?" the judge returned.
"Yeah," Tenchi said. "It's all coming together now! Clown kills a paper clip, dumps it in
fear. Later, he realizes that he's gonna get caught, so he's gotta find *someone* to blame."
The clown's eyes widened. "N... n... no! It's not true! Not true!"
"So, he kidnaps a paper clip, and LEAVES BEHIND A HAIR WITH FALSE
IDENTIFICATION!"
More gasps, barf, and unconscious bodies. One old man had a heart attack and died. An old
lady had a stroke.
"No! Don't listen to him!" the judge said desperately.
"Clown gives Nobayuki the clip. Then he gives Nobayuki a gun, an object known to drive
men such as Nobayuki insane. Nobayuki assumes the role he is given without any conscious
effort. Perfect frame."
"NOT TRUE!" the clown judge screamed desperately. "No, no, uh, he's, uh, lying! Yeah,
that's it! He's, like, totally lying!"
"Am not," Tenchi retorted.
"Are too," the clown said.
"Not."
"Too."
"Not."
"Too."
"Too."
"Not," the clown said. Then his painted white face turned red. "Hey, you tricked me! Jerk!"
"You heard the man," Tenchi said triumphantly. "He just confessed to the whole thing!"
"Did not!"
"What are you gonna do?" Tenchi asked. "You just confessed! You no longer have power
over this court, I don't think."
"I find Tenchi Masaki guilty of LYING UNDER OATH! PERJURY!" the judge screamed. "I
forgive him, but Nobayuki must die. Electric chair."
Gasps. Puke. Passing out. Out-of-body experiences and death.
"He dies in two days," the judge said. "May 3rd."
* * *
Tickets started selling that day. They sold at about $5.50 appiece. Sellers ran up and down
the streets, shouting, "See a serial paper clip killer for only $5.50!"
Nobayuki was in magazines, newspapers, and TV shows. He became famous. He had his
own action figure dolls, and posters started selling to those who idolized serial killers. Nobayuki
became famous world-wide, and people from every country came to watch him die.
Tickets sold out. His execution was to take place in a large stadium. Everyone else who
wanted to see it would have to watch it on live TV. His death was so popular that it would be
broadcasted on every TV station in the world. Not one station would broadcast anything but his
death.
Of course, showing such violence stirred up all sorts of anti-violence factions. Street
warfare broke out, and the police forces of every nation were destroyed. Anti-government people,
having eliminated the police, took the next step in assaulting people like the national guard and the
army.
Warfare continued until all forms of national protection were eliminated from every nation.
Then, of course, anti-government factions easily overthrew their nations' leaders. Complete
anarchy dominated the globe.
People died. Gangs took control. They were the only source of power, so they killed and
ruled freely. Angry citizens began forming their own army by stealing military-issue weapons.
The next step taken was nuclear warfare. Everyone began nuking everyone else.
Nobayuki's death had caused this all, and the poor boy hadn't even died yet. His death had been
rescheduled many times due to threats and such. A solid date could not be determined.
Nuclear warfare gave way to other methods. People began nuking passer-by asteroids and
meteoroids to cause them to fall to earth. Earth was assaulted with hundreds of huge rock bodies.
Tidal waves, earthquakes, sea-level shifts, and terrible weather dominated the globe.
Then, to add to the confusion, aliens made first contact with earth and they all took sides
and added their superior weapons to the rule.
Then, some scientists got creative and set the Earth on an inward spiral towards the sun.
Some idiot destroyed the moon and caused the fragments to assault Earth.
Complete chaos dominated the planet. 2 billion people were killed in all the chaos, with
thousands more being added every day.
Finally, a date was reached for Nobayuki to die.
* * *
Thousands of people cheered from their stands, viewing the single chair in the stadium. The
waved their flags, wore their Nobayuki hats, and ate hot-dogs happily. Nobayuki was giving out
signatures, and everyone was set to watch the man die.
Tenchi was sick. And, amazingly, Ryoko was, too. He and she cried together, watching the
dreaded chair. Everyone else, including Yosho, was up in the stands in the front row, cheering on
the executioneers who were busily polishing the chair.
"Now, will everyone stand as the fat lady sings?" came the booming voice on the speaker
far above.
The fat lady sang and then everyone sat down and watched as Nobayuki was led to the
chair. Ryoko and Tenchi wept as each strap went on, and each thing was placed on Nobayuki.
"Hahahahahahaha!" came a happy voice behind the two. "Finally! I was worried that brat
kid had actually found out that I really HAD been the one that had murdered the paper clip and all
that other crap! Pwew!"
Tenchi swung around. "WHAT?!"
His scream was so loud that everyone, everything, became silent. Nothing moved. All the
cheering stopped. All the waving stopped.
"I heard the clown confess!" someone from the front row shouted. "HE DID IT!"
Nobayuki was let out of the chair and the executioneers brought the crying clown over to
the chair. He was strapped up, and Nobayuki had the honor of pressing the button that started the
electrocution. He pressed it, and the clown jerked violently, sparks leapt everywhere, and he
caught fire, having doused himself in gasoline about half an hour earlier.
There the evil clown died. Everyone was happy. Everyone went home happy, having
witnessed a death.
Nobayuki went home with everyone. Everyone was mad but Tenchi and Ryoko.
Nobayuki was very relieved. After he had regained his sanity, he had realized what a bad
position he had been in. He knew that he could have died, except that that clown had said that.
Well, Nobayuki would always carry a secret to the grave, anyways.
He had, actually, killed the paper clip and taken the other hostage.
Why the clown had confessed to that he would never know. Nor would he ever care. He
was simply happy to be alive.
THE END
EPILOGUE:
The prizes for being good in court never did come. This was a hard blow to everyone that
had participated in it, but most recovered. Everyone recovered, in fact, except for one person, who
had a nervous breakdown. He had longed so much for that Michael Jordan standee, and when he
hadn't got it, the mental stress had caused his mind to snap. Poor sap.
And what's a good fic without Tenchi ending up marrying Ryoko? They scheduled their
wedding for the 33rd of June, but again, it never came, so they got it on July 4th. Fireworks really
added to their wedding.
Sasami grew up to be a master chef. Washu stayed a scientist, ever inventing strange things.
Mihoshi got a promotion within the GP, and Ayeka ran away to Jurai and became the Queen and
took over 50 galaxies and initiated a reign of terror. Nobayuki never grew up, and Katsuhito
fought space villains for the rest of his life.
Tenchi became a lawyer and never lost a case. He wrote 500 books and sold them all and
became the first person to make $9,368,948,576,947,692,759,375,293 ever. He was loved and
adored and became the king of Earth and took over 5,000,000 galaxies and made a peace treaty
with Ayeka. (Despite protests from Ryoko.)
And so everyone lived happily ever after (until the universe was destroyed by one of
Washu's inventions).
AUTHOR'S NOTES! (aka, a bunch of yadda yadda)
Well, that was short. I just had this thought, what if Nobayuki was sentenced to death? I don't
know where the heck I got the idea about paper clips, I was just eating chicken, corn, and stuffing,
topping it off with a tall cold milk (hehe) and suddenly I thought about a boss walking into his
office and seeing a bent paper clip on his desk, he's going psycho, and everyone makes a big deal
about it.
So, of course, I whipped this story up. A strange one, indeed. Please, someone MST my stories, I
really wanna be able to laugh at my own works. I don't know how funny my stuff is to other
people, but I don't really find it funny. Of course, to me, nothing is really too funny.
It's probably due to the fact that when I was three, I was told by demons that if I ever smiled again
they'd write me hate mail! Not really, I dunno, it's just that TV show producers throw out these
corny jokes that make me sick. Not everything is funny.
Well, I try to make comedy by writing insanely. If this is funny, please tell me. If not, tell me. It's
not like I'll cry.
Don't send me hate mail. I will block you. Then I will constantly haunt your email account with
strange things until you eventually block me. (Well, I don't really know anything about blocking,
never done it before. I don't know if you can send mail to someone you've blocked, so whatever.)
Well, this was a short story. Recently, I've been writing mostly short stories. I've got complete
books written, but unpublished, of course. (And, amazingly, they aren't comedy!) So, whatever. I
dunno, I'm kinda tired (as usual).
Well, enough wasting your time. Oh, yeah, you can contact me at either
dude_tenchi@hotmail.com
as listed above, or
dude_from_jupiter@yahoo.com
from which I get my pen name, Dude Jupiter.
Have fun, don't take life too seriously, and just remember, never steal a paper clip. It can have
worse consequences than you could ever imagine. Ok, now you can quit reading. In fact, please
do, unless you want to listen to me ramble on. I SAID QUIT READING!
HEY, DID YOU HEAR ME?! QUIT READING!
Well, I can see you're going to pay no attention.
Really, if you wanna show any respect, quit reading. Will you?
You will?
Thank you. Good bye. Good day. Think 12 new insane thoughts a day.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Tenchi Muyo, related characters, related ideas, or related anything.
Unfortunately, neither am I related to Tenchi by way of Juraian blood (at least I don't think so...
I've never really taken blood tests. Maybe sometime I should.) I don't think there's any way I can
claim Tenchi, really, so I am just using them for nonprofit. Therefore, you cannot sue me.
HAHAHAHAHAHA I HAVE THWARTED YOUR EVIL PLANS!!!!!
WARNING: This story is only for the insane. If you are not insane, please don't read this.
CONTACT: dude_tenchi@hotmail.com. Hate mail senders will give me the pleasure of using the
"block this address" link for the first time. Please, send me ideas of what to write!! Insane ideas,
normal ideas... send 'em in. Until then I'll keep dishing out junk stories with no point.
DISCLAIMER: I often make reference to songs I am listening to while writing my stories. If you
notice a phrase that matches certain ideas in songs you hear, just realize I was most likely listening
to that song!! I do not own any bands (yet), so if I make reference to them, I am not claiming
them. (Obviously)
NOTICE: I do not know how court proceeds in America, let alone Japan. Therefore, I shall make
up my own court system. My stories are my own, and they are my own world. Nothing in my
story has to be in "correctness" with this world. Therefore, I am stating that my court system in my
story is MINE, and ANYTHING that I want can happen. Thank you.
NOTICE: Hahahahahahahahahaha.
by Dude Jupiter
Mr. Biggenphatte turned the key to his office. Everything was quiet and still. It was
perfectly dark.
He pushed the door to his office open. It, too, was completely pitch black. The sun had not
yet come up. It was about four in the morning.
But Mr. Biggenphatte was president of the Okayama Architectural Thingie Doodle! He
woke up every morning at 3 AM, showered and got ready and was in the office by 4 AM. He
would sit behind his desk, doing paper work and things, and work all day until 10 PM. Then he'd
go home, kiss his wife, and go to bed.
Biggenphatte strode into his office. He was especially happy this morning! He looked
forwards to a day of doing things that made bosses happy... harassing employees, maybe firing a
few on whims... practicing golf in the office... sniffing crisp trillion dollar bills (or the equivalent in
Japanese money, whatever that is)... inventing "my employee is so stupid that..." jokes...
He switched on the office lights and walked over to his desk.
His eyes widened in horror.
His jaw dropped.
There, on his desk, it lay. Broken, bent at odd angles. No life left in it. On his desk.
Biggenphatte's eyes took in the way its body was bent at extremely odd angles. A blanket
of horror flew over his head.
Finally, he had enough mind to call the police. He broke away from the sick sight and
rushed over to the phone. He knew he should dial 911 (or whatever it is in Japan), but he couldn't
quite remember the phone number.
*Come on, Charles,* he told himself. *What's the number for 911?*
Oh, of course. 9-1-1.
Biggenphatte punched in the numbers and waited, until...
"Nine one one emergencies," a bored voice said. "What is it."
"I need some police!" Beggenphatte said desperately into the receiver. "There's a bent
paper-clip on my desk!"
"So?"
"Bent paper clip!" Biggenphatte said, exasperated. "Bent! You know what THAT means!"
"Oh, yeah," the woman said. "Okay, whatever, I'll send over a few investigation dudes. Is
the paper clip in immediate danger?"
"No. It's already dead."
"Is it breathing?"
"No."
"Then you should commence Cardio-Poluminary Resuscitation," the woman said.
"Eh?"
"CPR."
"It's dead!" Biggenphatte explained.
"Place your hands..."
Biggenphatte hung up. He had no intentions of learning how to give a paper clip CPR.
Charles Biggenphatte sighed. What kind of terrible person would do a horrible thing like
this?
* * *
"So you suspect employee theft?" the officer said.
Now, all sorts of officers were moving around Charles' office, examining things, taking
pictures. They had outlined the paper clip's form in chalk on the desk, and had taken it off to the
morgue for identification. They had put a white hanky over it... and that was the last Biggenphatte
had seen of this thing that would give him nightmares for months.
Charles nodded in answer. "Yes," he said. "What else could a bent clip on my desk mean?"
The officer shook his head. "Sick world we live in. Who, do you think, could have done
something like this?"
Charles took a moment to randomly pick an employee to blame for this.
*Now, let's see... who could I blame for this horrid act?*
"Nobayuki!" Charles said, his mind having landed on the poor man. "Nobayuki Masaki!
That would be my first guess."
"How many paper clips did you have in your paper clip holder last night before you left?"
the officer asked.
"Well, I counted them, as usual..." Biggenphatte said. "Let's see.... yes, I believe it was
213."
"We found 211 today," the officer said. "So the logical assumption would be that the culprit
stole two, murdered one and left it on your desk as a warning or something, and took the other.
He's most likely holding it hostage."
"Hostage?! Holding a paper clip hostage?!" Charles said incredulously. "You mean... one of
my paper clips may be in danger? Nooooooo!"
The officer put his arm around Charles in comfort as the poor boss wept. "We'll get your
paper clip back, Biggenphatte," he said. "I know it was precious for you. We won't let any Deadly
Assassins kill your paper clip." (I do not own Everlast)
"Gasp!" came an investigator's gasp.
"What?" the guy comforting the boss asked.
"We found a hair!" the investigator said.
The officer straightened. "Is it identified?"
The investigator held a magnifying glass up to it. "Yes."
"Lemme see!"
The officer took the glass and read the identification tag on the hair...
NOBAYUKI MASAKI
555 E TENCHI+RYOKO DRIVE
OKAYAMA, JAPAN 12345
(111)033-5684
TAG NUMBER 66457-45453-56853
ID 27482-34274628-2347264-34237
"It was Nobayuki!" the main officer said. "And we know where he's at."
* * *
Well, by gosh, first thing Tenchi sees when he wakes up is forty police cars outside his
window, their lights flashing, and behind each car a police officer, each one armed. Some wore
armor, some didn't, some had handguns, some shotguns, others things like handcuffs or whatever.
"Ryoko!" Tenchi called. "What has dad done this time?"
"I don't know!" Ryoko called back. Tenchi couldn't tell where she was, since his eyes were
fixed out the window to the guns aimed at the front door of his house.
"All right!" came a loud voice. Tenchi saw a man walk out from the masses of cars carrying
a portable loudspeaker thingie. "We know you're in there! And we know you have Charles'
Biggenphatte's paper clip! Give it back, surrender peacefully!"
"NEVER!" came a long, twisted, deranged shout from somewhere in the Masaki house.
"You aren't gonna make us start negotiations, are you?" the man asked.
"You think I gonna give this thing back without 'em?" Nobayuki shouted back. "Let's start:
one helicopter!"
"A helicopter?" the loudman said. "No way! Too expensive."
"Then I shoot this clip!"
"Wait, wait!" the guy with the speaker said. "Don't shoot! I didn't close negotiations yet...
so, uh... you want a helicopter? What for?"
"AND a pony!" Nobayuki shouted. "A pink one with fluffy hair with little curls!"
"A pony?"
"Yes!" Nobayuki shouted. "And it better have the curls!"
"We could... get you the pony!" the negotiator dude said back. "They don't come in pink
anymore though!"
"PINK! PINK! PINK!" Nobayuki screamed desperately.
Tenchi ran out of his room and down the steps. There he saw Nobayuki dressed up as the
tooth fairy. In his right hand he held a large handgun, and in the other he held a paper clip, tied
and gagged.
"Dad?" Tenchi said.
"Whatchu want?!" Nobayuki shouted to his son. "Can't you see I'm busy?!"
"Dad, let the paper clip go," Tenchi said, nervousness clogging his voice. "It's OKAY! The
guys in the blue suits WILL NOT HARM YOU!"
"BLLLLLAH!" Nobayuki shouted, slamming the barrel of the gun against the paper clip.
"Shut up or I blow this thing out of its life!"
Tenchi stepped back in fear of his dad holding a gun. The man had flipped his wig! He was
insane! (And everyone knew it was coming, too!)
"Tenchi, you called?" Ryoko asked, floating in. "Oh, geeze, I see your dad's gone insane
again! Will I have to beat him half dead like the last time?"
"Don't do it," Tenchi said, sweat forming on his brow. He shook involuntarily, worrying
about this poor hostage. "He's holding a paper clip hostage."
"Oh..." Ryoko gasped. "How... terrible!"
Nobayuki, hearing Ryoko's voice, quickly added something to his list of demands. "And
some girl who will marry me!"
Tenchi watched his dad, nervous. Would the guy kill him? Would he kill that innocent
paper clip?!
"A girl?" the negotiator called back.
"Yes!"
Suddenly, the loudspeaker crackled, and then on came a female voice. "Oh, Nobayuki! I
am an extremely hot woman, 30, with an attitude that will knock you dead! Come out to me and
we will escort you to jail... I'll accompany you in the back the ENTIRE WAY! The BACK SEAT!
COME TO ME, NOBAYUKI!"
Nobayuki screamed for joy, dropped the paper clip and gun, and charged out of the house.
Tenchi and Ryoko watched as twenty cops moved in. They pulled out their clubs and started
battering him. They beat him for another ten minutes or so before cuffing him, throwing him in the
back seat of a cop car, and leaving.
Ryoko looked on the verge of tears. "I can't believe this has happened to us," she said, fear
clouding her voice. She grabbed Tenchi and wept into his chest. Tenchi held her comfortingly,
knowing the trauma she had gone through. He looked up as the cop car went down the street,
knocking down a few innocent kids playing ball in the street.
* * *
"I always knew the young moron would flip out some day," Katsuhito said as he ate
Sasami's wonderful food. "Sure, he's gone insane a few times, but never this badly before."
"Oh, well!" Mihoshi said. "Now that he's finally gone, I can relax without him trying to
relax with me in a perverted way!"
"He was a perv," Washu said, putting in her two cents.
"Jeeze, you guys!" Tenchi said. "Can't you find anything good about him?!"
Katsuhito's glasses flashed as he moved his head up, like they always do on old Anime
Japanese guys when they are about to say something significant. So his glasses flashed, and you
couldn't see his eyes cuz the glare is in your way, and he said, "No."
"He had the hots for Mihoshi," Ayeka sighed.
Katsuhito's glasses flashed. "The fool."
"He had the hots for everyone," Washu added. "Except, of course, for Tenchi and Yosho."
Katsuhito's glasses flashed. "Foolishness. He was a fool."
"GEEZE!" Tenchi said, much louder than his original 'jeeze'. "Paleeze, he was my dad!
Can't you just shut up if you aren't gonna say something nice about him?!"
Katsuhito's glasses flashed. "No."
Tenchi glanced at Ryoko... the only one who hadn't made a comment thus far. She sat
innocently eating (devouring) her food. When she noted she was being watched, she cast an
upward glance. Her and Tenchi's eyes locked.
"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH!" Ayeka shouted. "I don't want any eye contact between
you two for more than ten consecutive seconds! Or I'll pick up my royal rear and hitchhike like
her highness back to Jurai!"
Ryoko gave Ayeka an "okay-go-ahead-and-do-it-princess-we-know-you're-all-words-and-
no-action-anyways-so-you-saying-that-doesn't-mean-a-thing-you-dirty-little-whimp" look while
Tenchi's gaze shifted momentarily away from her. (How she could fit all that information into a
look that could be interpreted by Ayeka I do not know, nor do I care. She must have been very
talented.)
Ayeka's eyes widened as she read the last paragraph. (Oh, so THAT's how she knew what
that look meant!) *Wow,* she thought. *This dude, Dude Jupiter, is completely insane! This story
REALLY needs to be MST'd!*
"RYOKO, WHAT WAS THAT LOOK FOR?!" Ayeka demanded. "By golly, I'll use my
princessly powers to annihilate you, you pirate prick!"
"Pirate prick?" Ryoko asked. *Lame.*
"It came to mind."
"Ah."
"Anyways!" Ayeka shouted. "Back to where I was! I'm going to ANNIHILATE YOU!"
Tenchi stood up. "I can't take any more of this," he announced. "I am going to go up to my
room and watch 72 consecutive hours of the Twilight Zone (I do not own the Twilight Zone) (But
I live there) while chewing my fingers to clear my mind."
"Wouldn't that... kinda... drive you insane?" Ryoko said.
"No."
"Oh."
* * *
The court date was set for the 32nd of February. (Unfortunately, when the 32nd never
came, it was reset to March 1st, or March 2nd if March 1st didn't come)
Meanwhile, Nobayuki sat in his cell. He did nothing all day but stare at the ventilation shaft.
He just sat there all day and stared at it. Not moving. He didn't even try to escape, that being the
most logical choice. (Well, of course! What do you do when you're in jail? Escape, duh!)
He didn't even eat. They had to feed him through his veins. He didn't move to sleep; guards
had to come in and lay him down, read him a story like "The Little Engine that Could"
(Nobayuki's personal favorite), and watch him fall to sleep.
On a more sickening note, he couldn't even use the restroom. On that issue I will not go
into detail.
Finally, the court day arrived. Having no lawyer, Tenchi decided to be his dad's lawyer.
(Remember, this is my story with my own law system, so... if you think you're great because
you're saying what I'm writing is wrong, just realize YOU'RE wrong, because I'm making this all
up! It's FICTION, okay?!)
Tenchi sat at that desk thingie, getting ready to look over the papers he had. They contained
very important notes in the defense of his dad. He opened his briefcase, and Lego's spilled out,
instead of his papers.
"SASAMI!" Tenchi shouted. He swirled around and looked at Sasami. She giggled and
waved.
Tenchi drew back his anger.
"Yo, peops," some dude screamed. "Get off your fat rears and stand up! The judge is comin
in!"
Everyone stood. A door opened, and a clown dressed in a black robe strode in. Really, he
was a clown... white, bald head, big red nose, painted face, the works, except he was in a black
robe.
The judge sat in his seat. "Sit down," the judge said.
"Objection!" the prosecutor shouted. "What is this, a court of clowns?!"
"Shut up!" the judge screamed. Then he straightened and folded his hands. "Okay, a few
words before the court, brought to you by our sponsors, Crest toothpaste (I do not own Crest) and
Herbal Essence Shampoo (I do not own Herbal Essence). We have some give-aways. Everyone
gets a free 'Judge Day' baseball cap, a Sammy Sosa baseball card, a bag of 100 marbles, and a
lolly-pop for everyone. Also, we have a big balloon for everyone that is a good boy or girl, and a
large, full-sized cardboard standee of Michael Jordan for the best behaved of all!"
Everyone gasped, determined to be good to get the prize. They all straightened and put on
their best smiles.
"YOU!" the judge screamed, pointing at a quiet lady sitting in the jury section. "YOU'RE
OUT OF ORDER! AND YOU!" he pointed at a guard. "YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER! YOU'RE ALL
OUT OF ORDER! THIS WHOLE COURT IS OUT OF ORDER!"
No one had so much as moved. The judge began to furiously pound with his little wooden
hammer. "SHUT UP!" he screamed, even though no one spoke so much as a whisper. "IF YOU
DON'T SHUT UP I'LL HAVE YOU ALL ESCORTED OUT OF COURT!"
He looked around the room, glaring at everyone. "There," he said. "That's better."
Nobayuki suddenly woke up, having been sleeping beside Tenchi.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he screamed.
"WHAT?!" the judge demanded.
"NOTHING!" Nobayuki screamed.
"Okay, prosecutor, present your case," the judge said.
"Hello, my name is Billy Bob," the prosecutor said. "And I just murdered three people.
Oops, I mean I'm very good at law junk. Now, we have proof that Nobayuki stole a paper clip
from his boss."
At this point, everyone in the court room gasped. They had never heard of such a terrible
act.
"No," Billy said. "Let me restate that - he stole TWO clips, killed one, and held the other
hostage!"
Everyone in the room gasped even louder than before. A few who couldn't stomach what
they'd just heard puked or passed out.
"What's the proof??" the judge asked, leaning forwards in his seat in expectation.
"We found a hair of his in the office," Billy Bob said. "It was identified as his."
The gasps were even louder. Even more people passed out, and new puddles of puke were
formed, or old ones were added onto.
"Enough said!" the judge shouted. "I declare Nobayuki Masaki guilty of theft, murder,
kidnapping, possession of an illegal weapon, screaming in court, and other things that maybe he
did! I sentence him to immediate death on the electric chair!"
"Wait!" Tenchi shouted. "I didn't get to defend him yet!"
"Oh, yeah," the judge said sadly. "Whatever. Get it over with so I can declare him guilty."
"I thought the jury had a part in that," Tenchi said.
"Nah," the judge said. "They all just go into a room, flip a coin, come up with a verdict.
Unless, of course, they've all been bribed, as is the case. My price was $40,000. I'm still trying to
find out what they've been bribed."
Tenchi stared dumbly at the judge.
The judge, realizing what he'd said, said, "Oh, I mean, I just found $40,000 by the side of
the road. It was labeled, 'To the Judge'."
"Anyways," Tenchi said. "My argument is: What if that hair had been planted?"
"It's obvious it hasn't," the judge said. "Now! Guil..."
"How do you know the paper clip my dad had was the stolen one?" Tenchi interrupted.
"Easy," the judge said. "The clip confessed to having been taken by Nobayuki from
Biggenphatte's office."
"What if the clip lied?" Tenchi said calmly.
The gasps were so extreme this time that a partial vacuum was created in the room. Even
more people passed out.
"Paper clips don't lie!" the judge said, his expression showing annoyance. "Now, on with
the good stuff. I pronounce Nobayuki guilty of..."
"What if that paper clip was brainwashed?!" Tenchi said.
Gasps. More passed out. More puke. Little streams of barf ran around the floor.
"What if the paper clip was told to confess what he did?!" Tenchi said.
The judge stuck out his lower lip and began to cry. "C'mon, man!" he said. "I just got a new
Barbie, and I'm wasting time here! I wanna play house!"
"How old was the paper clip?" Tenchi asked.
"Four months, one week, two days," Biggenphatte said. He looked hurt. "The... dead one...
was only... one week..." Biggenphatte began to cry. His cry was accompanied by gasps that turned
the room into a vacuum almost the likes of space, more barf, and more bodies piled on the floor."
"Bad, bad, bad!" the judge screamed. "GUILTY!"
"No," Tenchi said. "Not guilty. In fact, I think you killed the paper clip and framed
Nobayuki by driving him insane!"
"Unh?" the judge returned.
"Yeah," Tenchi said. "It's all coming together now! Clown kills a paper clip, dumps it in
fear. Later, he realizes that he's gonna get caught, so he's gotta find *someone* to blame."
The clown's eyes widened. "N... n... no! It's not true! Not true!"
"So, he kidnaps a paper clip, and LEAVES BEHIND A HAIR WITH FALSE
IDENTIFICATION!"
More gasps, barf, and unconscious bodies. One old man had a heart attack and died. An old
lady had a stroke.
"No! Don't listen to him!" the judge said desperately.
"Clown gives Nobayuki the clip. Then he gives Nobayuki a gun, an object known to drive
men such as Nobayuki insane. Nobayuki assumes the role he is given without any conscious
effort. Perfect frame."
"NOT TRUE!" the clown judge screamed desperately. "No, no, uh, he's, uh, lying! Yeah,
that's it! He's, like, totally lying!"
"Am not," Tenchi retorted.
"Are too," the clown said.
"Not."
"Too."
"Not."
"Too."
"Too."
"Not," the clown said. Then his painted white face turned red. "Hey, you tricked me! Jerk!"
"You heard the man," Tenchi said triumphantly. "He just confessed to the whole thing!"
"Did not!"
"What are you gonna do?" Tenchi asked. "You just confessed! You no longer have power
over this court, I don't think."
"I find Tenchi Masaki guilty of LYING UNDER OATH! PERJURY!" the judge screamed. "I
forgive him, but Nobayuki must die. Electric chair."
Gasps. Puke. Passing out. Out-of-body experiences and death.
"He dies in two days," the judge said. "May 3rd."
* * *
Tickets started selling that day. They sold at about $5.50 appiece. Sellers ran up and down
the streets, shouting, "See a serial paper clip killer for only $5.50!"
Nobayuki was in magazines, newspapers, and TV shows. He became famous. He had his
own action figure dolls, and posters started selling to those who idolized serial killers. Nobayuki
became famous world-wide, and people from every country came to watch him die.
Tickets sold out. His execution was to take place in a large stadium. Everyone else who
wanted to see it would have to watch it on live TV. His death was so popular that it would be
broadcasted on every TV station in the world. Not one station would broadcast anything but his
death.
Of course, showing such violence stirred up all sorts of anti-violence factions. Street
warfare broke out, and the police forces of every nation were destroyed. Anti-government people,
having eliminated the police, took the next step in assaulting people like the national guard and the
army.
Warfare continued until all forms of national protection were eliminated from every nation.
Then, of course, anti-government factions easily overthrew their nations' leaders. Complete
anarchy dominated the globe.
People died. Gangs took control. They were the only source of power, so they killed and
ruled freely. Angry citizens began forming their own army by stealing military-issue weapons.
The next step taken was nuclear warfare. Everyone began nuking everyone else.
Nobayuki's death had caused this all, and the poor boy hadn't even died yet. His death had been
rescheduled many times due to threats and such. A solid date could not be determined.
Nuclear warfare gave way to other methods. People began nuking passer-by asteroids and
meteoroids to cause them to fall to earth. Earth was assaulted with hundreds of huge rock bodies.
Tidal waves, earthquakes, sea-level shifts, and terrible weather dominated the globe.
Then, to add to the confusion, aliens made first contact with earth and they all took sides
and added their superior weapons to the rule.
Then, some scientists got creative and set the Earth on an inward spiral towards the sun.
Some idiot destroyed the moon and caused the fragments to assault Earth.
Complete chaos dominated the planet. 2 billion people were killed in all the chaos, with
thousands more being added every day.
Finally, a date was reached for Nobayuki to die.
* * *
Thousands of people cheered from their stands, viewing the single chair in the stadium. The
waved their flags, wore their Nobayuki hats, and ate hot-dogs happily. Nobayuki was giving out
signatures, and everyone was set to watch the man die.
Tenchi was sick. And, amazingly, Ryoko was, too. He and she cried together, watching the
dreaded chair. Everyone else, including Yosho, was up in the stands in the front row, cheering on
the executioneers who were busily polishing the chair.
"Now, will everyone stand as the fat lady sings?" came the booming voice on the speaker
far above.
The fat lady sang and then everyone sat down and watched as Nobayuki was led to the
chair. Ryoko and Tenchi wept as each strap went on, and each thing was placed on Nobayuki.
"Hahahahahahaha!" came a happy voice behind the two. "Finally! I was worried that brat
kid had actually found out that I really HAD been the one that had murdered the paper clip and all
that other crap! Pwew!"
Tenchi swung around. "WHAT?!"
His scream was so loud that everyone, everything, became silent. Nothing moved. All the
cheering stopped. All the waving stopped.
"I heard the clown confess!" someone from the front row shouted. "HE DID IT!"
Nobayuki was let out of the chair and the executioneers brought the crying clown over to
the chair. He was strapped up, and Nobayuki had the honor of pressing the button that started the
electrocution. He pressed it, and the clown jerked violently, sparks leapt everywhere, and he
caught fire, having doused himself in gasoline about half an hour earlier.
There the evil clown died. Everyone was happy. Everyone went home happy, having
witnessed a death.
Nobayuki went home with everyone. Everyone was mad but Tenchi and Ryoko.
Nobayuki was very relieved. After he had regained his sanity, he had realized what a bad
position he had been in. He knew that he could have died, except that that clown had said that.
Well, Nobayuki would always carry a secret to the grave, anyways.
He had, actually, killed the paper clip and taken the other hostage.
Why the clown had confessed to that he would never know. Nor would he ever care. He
was simply happy to be alive.
THE END
EPILOGUE:
The prizes for being good in court never did come. This was a hard blow to everyone that
had participated in it, but most recovered. Everyone recovered, in fact, except for one person, who
had a nervous breakdown. He had longed so much for that Michael Jordan standee, and when he
hadn't got it, the mental stress had caused his mind to snap. Poor sap.
And what's a good fic without Tenchi ending up marrying Ryoko? They scheduled their
wedding for the 33rd of June, but again, it never came, so they got it on July 4th. Fireworks really
added to their wedding.
Sasami grew up to be a master chef. Washu stayed a scientist, ever inventing strange things.
Mihoshi got a promotion within the GP, and Ayeka ran away to Jurai and became the Queen and
took over 50 galaxies and initiated a reign of terror. Nobayuki never grew up, and Katsuhito
fought space villains for the rest of his life.
Tenchi became a lawyer and never lost a case. He wrote 500 books and sold them all and
became the first person to make $9,368,948,576,947,692,759,375,293 ever. He was loved and
adored and became the king of Earth and took over 5,000,000 galaxies and made a peace treaty
with Ayeka. (Despite protests from Ryoko.)
And so everyone lived happily ever after (until the universe was destroyed by one of
Washu's inventions).
AUTHOR'S NOTES! (aka, a bunch of yadda yadda)
Well, that was short. I just had this thought, what if Nobayuki was sentenced to death? I don't
know where the heck I got the idea about paper clips, I was just eating chicken, corn, and stuffing,
topping it off with a tall cold milk (hehe) and suddenly I thought about a boss walking into his
office and seeing a bent paper clip on his desk, he's going psycho, and everyone makes a big deal
about it.
So, of course, I whipped this story up. A strange one, indeed. Please, someone MST my stories, I
really wanna be able to laugh at my own works. I don't know how funny my stuff is to other
people, but I don't really find it funny. Of course, to me, nothing is really too funny.
It's probably due to the fact that when I was three, I was told by demons that if I ever smiled again
they'd write me hate mail! Not really, I dunno, it's just that TV show producers throw out these
corny jokes that make me sick. Not everything is funny.
Well, I try to make comedy by writing insanely. If this is funny, please tell me. If not, tell me. It's
not like I'll cry.
Don't send me hate mail. I will block you. Then I will constantly haunt your email account with
strange things until you eventually block me. (Well, I don't really know anything about blocking,
never done it before. I don't know if you can send mail to someone you've blocked, so whatever.)
Well, this was a short story. Recently, I've been writing mostly short stories. I've got complete
books written, but unpublished, of course. (And, amazingly, they aren't comedy!) So, whatever. I
dunno, I'm kinda tired (as usual).
Well, enough wasting your time. Oh, yeah, you can contact me at either
dude_tenchi@hotmail.com
as listed above, or
dude_from_jupiter@yahoo.com
from which I get my pen name, Dude Jupiter.
Have fun, don't take life too seriously, and just remember, never steal a paper clip. It can have
worse consequences than you could ever imagine. Ok, now you can quit reading. In fact, please
do, unless you want to listen to me ramble on. I SAID QUIT READING!
HEY, DID YOU HEAR ME?! QUIT READING!
Well, I can see you're going to pay no attention.
Really, if you wanna show any respect, quit reading. Will you?
You will?
Thank you. Good bye. Good day. Think 12 new insane thoughts a day.