The thing is, it's not comfortable. It's the most uncomfortable and shaky relationship I've ever been in, and I feel like it's going to come tubling down at my feet any minute. I don't want that. Who knows what Abby wants. She'd never tell me.
"I want to know where our relationship is going, Abby."
"I...I don't know what to say to that, Luka."
"I think that is precisely the problem. Neither of us knows what to do, and instead of admitting it, we're walking blindly forward into a world where everything stays the same and no one has to commit. But there is no world like that. And instead of trying to figure it out, we draw ourselves tighter into our little cuckoos, and...what, what is it?" She has an irresistable little smirk on her face.
"cocoons. Not cuckoos." She said, helplessly stifling a giggle. "Sorry...I couldn't help it."
"Cocoons. Thank you....where was I...oh yes. We draw ourselves tighter into our little cocoons and we separate ourselves from each other. And it doesn't help the problem. If we want this to work, we have to talk, Abby. I know you can, I see you talk to Carter all the time."
"Is that how this is going to be?" She asks defensively, clutching a cushion from my couch to her body.
"I was just saying...Abby, is there something about me that keeps you from speaking to me?"
"Luka, it's not you! I can't do it, Luka. I just can't. I don't know why, but I've tried to talk to you, and it just doesn't end up...there's something wrong with me, I don't know what."
"Abby, there's nothing wrong with you, there's just something wrong with *us*. It's no one's fault, or both of our faults...either way. We can move past it, or we can let it separate us."
It felt more and more like it was going to separate us, not that there was much of an "us" to break apart. I want to grab her and shake her and show her what we're doing to each other. We're hurting each other every day. We both need someone, but it's looking less and less like we need each other.
"Luka, you want to know why I can't talk to you?"
"I'd like to help you, Abby."
"I can't talk to you because there's too much going on with me, and it's all painful. And I don't want to have to cause you that pain, or make you feel sorry for me. I don't want you to think of my problems when you think of me."
"But I do, I always do. I think of what your problems must be doing to you, how hard it must be for you to deal with them. I wonder why you can't tell me, I wonder if it's that you want to keep it secret from me because it will hurt me as your boyfriend, or just because you feel like you can't talk to me. I want you to feel like you can come to me with anything."
"How often have you told me about your problems? What's stopping you?" She looks up at me with tears in her eyes. "Luka, I can't do this anymore, I just can't. Forcing each other to talk about our feelings...it isn't normal. Not that I'm saying anything in my life is or ever has been normal, but I would have liked this to be. And I can't pretend like this anymore. I'm sorry."
"Well I'm sure John Carter will be thrilled." I didn't mean to say that, I instantly look away, but the damage is done. I want to take it all back, hold her and tell her how sorry I am. But from the look on Abby's face, there will be none of that.
"So that's what this is about? Carter? What's wrong with you? I can't believe you'd even think that! I think you should leave, Luka. Now."
"If I leave, we're never going to work this out."
"Then maybe that's how it should be. Goodbye Luka." She stands and opens the door, and I walk nubly to the hall. When I turn to see her one last time, she has slammed the door at my back. Closing herself off, as always. Why should I be surprised? Because this time, she's closing that door for good, and there is no "us" anymore.