Title: Watching the Ocean
Author: Estrellita, aka Erin Kaye Hashet
Rating: PG
Category: MSR, missing scene (set during Requiem)
Distribution: Anywhere! Especially at idealistshaven.com (I love your
site!)
Feedback: I am, as usual, reluctant to give my e-mail address, so use
the review thing at the bottom of this story at fanfiction.net
Spoilers: All of the seventh season and Per Manum
Summary: During Requiem, Mulder reflects on how Scully has changed
his life.
Disclaimer: I don't own FM and DS, they belong to CC and 1013 as well
as DD and GA. They do not, in any way, belong to me, EKH.
Watching the Ocean
by Estrellita, aka Erin Kaye Hashet
We had a spare room in the house I grew up in. It served
different purposes for the rest of the family- guest room, reading
room, do-the-bills room- but only one for me.
This house was in Chilmark, Massachusetts, on Martha's
Vineyard, and there was a window in the spare room that perfectly
framed the Atlantic Ocean. I would have died before letting my family
know about this, but sometimes, if no one was around, I would sit on
the windowseat and stare out the window, watching the ocean.
I never told anyone I did that. I was afraid they'd think I was
crazy. And, in my mind sometimes, so did I. -It's the ocean!- I would
tell myself. -You've seen it a million times! It hasn't changed!-
But my heart knew something my mind did not. That was what
brought me back to the window seat time and time again- knowing that
even though it was always the same, waves going in, waves going out,
tide going in, tide going out, it was beautiful every time.
When my parents divorced, they sold that house, and from the
new one you couldn't see the ocean at all. I hadn't thought about
watching the ocean in years.
But I thought about it last night.
When Scully came into my room, shivering and sick, the first
thought that entered my mind was, -I have to get her warm.- So I let
her into the bed and wrapped my arms around her, and I didn't let go
until I was sure she wasn't cold anymore.
She fell asleep almost immediately after I kissed her cheek.
And she could sleep through anything- she wouldn't wake up if a
garbage truck went by in the middle of the night. So I gently climbed
out of bed and sat in a chair.
I looked at her- and I saw the most beautiful thing I've ever
seen.
I saw her lying on the pillow, her ivory face framed by red
hair spread out like a fan, breathing in and out, in and out, like
waves, or the tide.
I sat there for hours, just watching her sleep. Breathing in
and out, in and out.
Just like the ocean- always the same, but beautiful every time.
That night in my apartment, watching Caddyshack, we grew close-
closer than we've ever been, if you know what I mean.
And now- it scares me, seeing her sick like this. It makes me
fear the worst.
-Cancer.-
It was painful even to let the word enter my mind.
It would be the cruelest, most painful irony for this to happen
now.
When I've thrown out all my pornos.
Thrown away all my old girlfriends' phone numbers.
Finally admitted to myself that I love her.
There, I said it.
-I love her.-
Not just as a person. I am in love with Dana Scully.
It wasn't a big revelation or anything. Deep down, I'd known it
for a long time.
I have never felt this way about another human being before.
It's amazing, really. When I first met her, I thought she'd be some
annoying agent spying on me, and now here I am, wondering how I could
possibly live without my constant. My touchstone.
No, I thought. She can't have cancer. She can't. She just has
the flu or something. She'll be fine.
She'll be fine.
I sat there watching her until I finally fell asleep.
* * *
"Mulder."
When I open my eyes, I see red- the brilliant red of her hair,
as she stands over me.
I blink and stretch my arms over my head. "Scully… how are you
feeling?"
"I feel fine," she says, and when I give her a look, "No,
really, I feel much better."
"You sure?"
"I'm sure," she says, then looks back at me. "Mulder. Mulder,
did you sleep there all night?
I slept there, I think, but definitely not all night.
"Oh, Mulder." Her voice is guilty. "Mulder, I'm sorry- I didn't
want to force you out of your bed."
I look at her, surprised. "It was no problem, Scully."
She's frowning. "But I'm so sorry- I'd hate it if someone did
that to me-"
"Scully," I cut her off. "I sleep on chairs and couches anyway.
And besides," I reach forward and put both hands on her shoulders,
"after all you've done for me, the least I could do is let you have
my bed on a night when you really need it."
All day long, I think about this. All she's done for me.
God, where would I be without Scully? I probably would have
killed myself by now. Look at all she's done for me in the past year
alone.
She went to Africa to try to help me when I was sick. Africa.
For me. And when Diana Fowley died, she cried along with me, even
though I know she hated Diana.
When my mother died… my God, what would I have done without
Scully there to hold me? There is no one else I trust enough to cry
in front of. I can be as weak as I want in front of her, and it's
okay. When I'm with her, it's all okay.
We've become so close, I can't even call her just my friend
anymore. When that woman asked me if I had a significant other, I
couldn't say no. I don't know what Scully is if not significant.
Years ago, I would have eagerly run off to investigate crop circles
and given nothing else a second thought. But the whole time I was in
England, I couldn't concentrate. All I could think about was Scully.
God, I was sure I was going to die when I inhaled that
cigarette smoke. But she saved me- by giving me nicotine. Nicotine.
How did she ever think of that?
I don't know when it happened, but at some point my morning
thoughts turned from "going to the office to work on the X-Files" to
"going to the office to see Scully." She's given me a reason to wake
up every day.
That's why I didn't think very long when she asked me to be her
baby's father. I know how much she wants children, so when I had the
chance to give her one, of course I did. It absolutely broke my heart
when she came into her apartment sobbing. I felt like I'd failed her
somehow, even though it wasn't my fault.
Look at all she's done for me. The least I can do is give up my
bed.
* * *
Skinner and I are leaving for Oregon today.
I had the strangest feeling last night, like everything was
about to change for me. Last night I lay awake on my couch, just
thinking, I have to see Scully.
As I knock on my apartment door, I check my watch. Six o'clock.
She's going to kill me. Especially since I have no way to explain why
I'm here, only this feeling in the pit of my stomach that -I have to
see her.-
It's a long time before she comes to the door. When she does,
she's sleepy and bleary-eyed. She doesn't look good.
"Mulder, what is it?" she asks, her voice weary.
"Scully, I want you to go to a doctor," I blurt out.
Great. That came out right.
Scully blinks at me. "You came here to tell me that?"
She's annoyed with me. "I'm just worried about you, Scully. I
mean, you're sick-"
"I know I'm sick!" she snaps. "I don't need you to tell me I
feel lousy."
"But you fainted in Oregon," I protest, suddenly feeling stupid
and guilty. "I'm just afraid that…"
She exhales. "God, Mulder, I am fine!" she cries. "Don't say
that. I just have the flu or something- that is all."
Maybe she's right. I feel more foolish than ever now.
"I'm sorry, Scully," I say at last. "Maybe I shouldn't have
come here. It's just-"
She's looking at me impatiently.
"It's just I'd like for you to call me or something when I'm in
Oregon," I finish, "so I won't be worrying about you the whole time."
Scully's face changes. The anger and annoyance melt away, and
her features soften. "Okay," she says, gently.
And she suddenly understands. I don't have to say anything
more.
I turn to leave. "Hope you feel better."
"Mulder," she calls, and I turn back toward her.
"Mulder," she repeats, very softly, "I love you, too."
I stand there for a full ten seconds, stunned. I've heard the
words so often in dreams that I think I must have heard wrong.
But my heart knows something my mind does not.
I step forward and kiss her lips. She kisses back, her hand
caressing the back of my neck as my fingers run through her hair.
I step back.
"I will call you," she says.
I nod. "I know."
Silence.
"Goodbye, Scully," I say.
"Goodbye, Mulder."
I turn to leave her apartment. My heart is pounding with
elation.
-She loves me.-
I take one last look at the woman I love.
I can go now.
End.
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