Chapter 10

After a moment of bewilderment, Melissa recovered and before Buck spoke, she asked him: "Are you back? We were worried. What happened to your arm? Are you ok?".

She had noticed that his shirt was torn and his arm bandaged.

He looked at her for a moment without speaking, then dropped to his knees in front of the stairs and with tears in his eyes said: "I'm fine. I know I don't deserve anything, I'm not a man but a beast and you still worry about me despite everything. I'm just asking you to listen to me for a moment and then if you don't want to see me or talk to me again, I'll understand "

Tears came to Melissa's eyes, but she stood still and said: "Get up, please."

"No, I'm not worthy"

"If you want me to listen to you, get up"

Buck got up. She didn't ask him to sit down but they both stayed where they were. Melissa felt her body blocked, she couldn't move a muscle, the scene in the stable and his violence passed before her eyes. She closed her eyes for a moment to dismiss that thought and concentrate on what he was about to say.

Buck sighed and began: "I know there are no words to justify me for what I've done to you. I have lost touch with reality. What happened in the Thompkins store brought me to a point of no return, but maybe that was what I needed. When I saw you running out and I realized what I had done, it is as if something had snapped inside me, I realized that I had to go away and take my life back in hand and try to atone for my sins. I ran towards I don't know where on the prairie, until I came across a seemingly abandoned caravan near two dead men. I got off my horse, walked over, but a woman pointed a gun at me. I told her who I am and that I work for the Pony Express but she, crying, did not want to listen to me and told me to fix the wheel of the caravan. She was pregnant. I tried to tell her to rest while I worked, but she constantly kept the gun pointed at me after making me throw mine and the knife too. Suddenly men arrived who wanted to rob her. I hid under the caravan and after I recovered my gun I killed them, but they first wounded my arm, that's why the bandage. When everything was calm the woman fell into my arms. I was trying to comfort her when she was in labor.

I made her get on the caravan and during the night I helped her to give birth to a beautiful baby ".

Buck paused and looked Melissa in the eye. She stood still and said nothing.

Buck resumed the story: "From that moment something snapped inside me. Holding that new life that I had helped to come into my arms melted my heart. It was as if all the pain and anger had melted away. As soon as she recovered, we left and stopped where we burned Ike's body. I needed to say goodbye to him before letting him go for good and taking my life back into my hands. The woman asked me if she could give the baby my name as a second, but I suggested that she give him Ike's, I didn't feel worthy looking back on what I had done to you. Naming that child Ike was like being reborn after the pain ".

Buck paused.

"I accompanied her to a relative and on my way back I realized: I realized what I want for my future: I want you, I want a family with you and our children. I know that I have no right to ask for your forgiveness, but if there is an ounce of love left in your heart, please forget and forgive what I have done to you and the man I have been in recent times. I'm back to what I was and I hope to be better from now on with your help. Please Melissa, forgive me "and tears bathed his cheeks abundantly.

Melissa sighed, remained silent for a moment, as if to clarify her heart and to find the words, then she said to him: "How can I trust you again? No one had ever humiliated me like this in my entire life and the fact that it was you, the man I loved, hurts me even more. Faced with the first difficulty, no matter how tragic it was, you abandoned me, rejected me and were violent with me. How can I know it won't happen again in the future? Having a family with you would inevitably mean having to face difficulties, we have always known this and I was willing to accept it, but if you do not want to share them with me first, how can we have a future? I can't trust Buck anymore, I can't "

"I understand, but I ask you to make an effort for us. I swear it will never happen again, I will never be violent with you again, I will not exclude you from my life, please believe me and forgive me "

"Buck my heart would like to tell you yes, because I still love you. My soul tells me to go down these stairs and hug you, forgive you and trust you, but my mind and especially my body prevent me. I'm sorry Buck, but I don't believe in a future with you anymore ".

Buck was speechless. For a moment he said nothing, but then he asked her: "So it's over?"

"For now, yes, I can't do it"

"I will not give up Melissa, I will prove to you that I am a better man and worthy of you, I swear to you"

"I really hope so, Buck, I hope so with all my heart because I love you so much, but now I can't be with you. The others know nothing of what happened, only Rachel, not even Lou. I don't want them to take it out on you "

"I have no words to thank you, you didn't owe me. For now it is enough for me to know that you love me, it is already a lot for me because I know I do not deserve your love. I swear to you, we'll get back together. I love you"

Melissa turned and went up to her room.

Buck fell to his knees and stayed that way for a moment, then got up and walked out. He went into the hut, aware that he had to give many explanations and that he owed everyone an apology.

No one had seen him arrive because he wanted to speak to Melissa immediately without being stopped and so he had taken the road that led behind the house.

He picked up his horse and headed for the stable. The first he met was Rachel.

"Welcome back. Where have you been and what happened to your arm? Are you okay? , she said in an altered tone.

"I'm fine, I only had a little accident, I'll tell you later. We need to talk Rachel "

"I think so too. Let's go to the stable "

Buck followed her without batting an eye.

"Have you already seen it?", She asked him.

Buck nodded.

"And?"

"She closed our story, at least for now. I know that only you are aware of what has happened between us. I'm terribly ashamed of what I've done and what I've become, Rachel. I swear to you that if I could go back I would not do it again and I would react differently. Now I understand and I have overcome the pain and anger. I asked her to forgive me and come back with me but for now she doesn't feel like it. I just need to say that she still loves me and that things could go back to the way they used to if I show her that I have changed and that she can still trust me. I hope you believe me and that you are not hostile to me. I have to apologize to all of you "

"Buck, your pain was understandable and so was the fact that you needed time, but I can't justify what you did to her"

"I know but it wasn't me Rachel. If I had been in control of my mind and my actions, I would never have treated her like this, I swear to you. I am deeply repentant and willing to do anything to win her back "

"I believe you Buck and I'll try to help you as I can but you have to go back to the man you were before Ike's death, she needs that Buck"

"I'll be even better, I owe it to her."

Rachel pulled him to her and hugged him and he thanked her for understanding.

"The others don't know anything, not even Lou, Melissa wanted it that way. They only know that you fought violently "

"She told me and I don't know how to thank her for it"

"She loves you immensely. Give her time "

"I owe it to her. I too love her more than anything else in the world, more than myself "

"Let's go to the others"

Rachel accompanied him to the bunkhouse where Buck told what had happened to him in those days and apologized to everyone for his behavior.

Rachel ordered him to go to the doctor and Buck took the opportunity to go to Teaspoon to apologize to him too and to confide in him.

"Oh son, what a bad story. Hold on and you'll see that everything will be fine "

"I hope so, Teaspoon, I really hope so"

As Buck shared his experience with the boys and Teaspoon, Melissa felt a burden on her heart when she returned to her room. She was happy that Buck had returned safe and sound and that he had overcome his pain, but she could no longer trust him, she feared that whenever a difficulty occurred, she would have to suffer like this and above all she could not forget that fury that he had demonstrated against her.

The next few weeks were very difficult for the two of them. Buck with the others had returned as before Ike's death, he had resumed his runs once his arm was healed, he had even apologized to Tompkins and by now he had resumed his life as before. The boys were relieved but they knew that a weight was afflicting his heart. Melissa had also resumed her chores and continued to go to school every morning, but her life seemed mechanical, meaningless. Rachel and Lou were very worried about her but Melissa reassured them that she was fine.

She and Buck spoke civilly when they were with the others, but they were conversations of convenience, the bare essentials for a civil coexistence. They were never alone in the same room because Melissa wanted to avoid returning to the subject with him, she needed a long time to forget what had happened. Both of them had lost that smile they had on their faces when they were together.

When Melissa was in school, Buck often leaned on the door of Teaspoon's office which was in front of the building and looked at her, sighing. Melissa noticed it but pretended not to notice it.

Rachel and Teaspoon often argued about what they could do, but came to the conclusion that only time could possibly heal their wounds.

Melissa needed proof that Buck was really the same as before and that she could trust him.

So whole weeks passed, until something finally brought their situation to a turning point.

Buck was out for a run and as he was walking back to the station, he saw smoke in the distance. Without thinking he headed in that direction and saw a house that was on fire.

He quickly dismounted and rushed into the house. The flames had already engulfed everything and he was about to leave when he heard someone cough.

"Is there someone?", He shouted as loud as he could and heard a stronger cough again. He tried to follow the direction from where he had heard it coming and found a young woman lying on the ground.

He helped her get to her feet and dragged her out, laying her on the grass.

"Can you hear me? It's over, we're out, answer me "

For a moment there was no answer but then the woman coughed and Buck took water from his canteen. He helped her drink until she opened her eyes.

"It's over, don't worry, I'm here now".

The girl was frightened when she saw an Indian. Buck understood the fear from the expression in her eyes and hastened to say: "Don't be afraid, I'm a Pony Express rider, my name is Buck Cross, I just want to help you"

The girl, still fearful, took another sip of water and then sat up.

She only pronounced a shy: "Thank you"

Buck waited for her to recover and when he saw her a little calmer he asked her: "What happened?"

"I think I left the lantern lit by mistake after using it to go to the stable which is a bit dark. Maybe a gust of wind or some animal made it fall and suddenly everything caught fire "and she burst into tears.

Buck took her in his arms and waited for her to calm down saying: "It's okay, take it easy. I'll take you to the station with me and Rachel and Melissa will take care of you "

The woman nodded and let herself be carried on Buck's horse.

As they rode towards the station, he tried to make her talk a bit so that she wouldn't think about what had happened.

"What is your name? Are you new to here? I have never seen you"

"My name is Mary and I moved in with my brother James a month ago, but unfortunately he died of a bad fever for two weeks, maybe you knew him, he was a farmer and sold some vegetables at the Thompkins general store"

"Yes, sure, James, it's a bad story, I'm sorry"

"I moved here from Chicago where I was living with an aunt because we were orphaned many years ago, but I missed James too much and I had decided to come and live with him, but now I'll have to go back to Chicago", she said, starting to cry again.

"Don't think about it now, you have to recover first. I think you can stay with Rachel and Melissa for a few days.

"Who are Rachel and Melissa?"

Buck wanted to answer that Melissa was his girlfriend, but with an imperceptible sigh he replied: "The two women who take care of us riders."

"I haven't thanked you yet for saving my life, I'm ungrateful. Thanks Buck "

"You don't have to thank me, anyone would. How do you feel rather? You inhaled a lot of smoke "

"Stunned but fine, thanks. What about you? Are you hurt? "

"No, I'm fine. Here we are, that is our station "

Melissa was in the yard chatting with Noah when she saw Buck arrive. She yelled as usual "Rider Coming" to warn Cody that he had his turn to run when she saw a woman sitting in front of Buck and her heart sank. Noah understood and went to meet Buck to take his horse.

"Buck, what the hell happened?", he asked.

"I helped Mary get out of her house which was on fire. Nothing was saved. She needs Rachel and Melissa "

Meanwhile Melissa had approached them.

"Melissa, this is Mary, her house is on fire and she has nowhere to stay. I thought she could stay a few days with you and Rachel to recover, did I hurt? "

Melissa, calmer, replied: "No, you did well. Come Mary, I'll take you home. Noah, go get the doctor for a checkup. How are you, Buck? Your face is scorched "

"I'm fine, it's nothing. Once I'm clean I'll be fine. Take care of her please "

Melissa nodded. She led Mary into the house where Rachel was ironing.

"Rachel, this is Mary, Buck saved her from her burning house. She will stay with us for a few days. It will be appropriate to prepare a hot bath. I sent Noah to call the doctor to see if everything is ok "

"Hi Mary, come on, we'll take care of you", Rachel told her.

Mary thanked her and as Melissa prepared the tub for her, she told her story as she had with Buck.

"Now what are you going to do?" Rachel asked.

"I'll go back to my aunt in Chicago, unless I find a reason to stop me", she said as she saw Buck knocking on their door from the window.

Melissa caught her eye and her heart sank. By now she and Buck were no longer together, he was free to woo another woman, but she felt faint at the very thought. She dismissed the idea as if she didn't want to think about it for the moment.

Buck knocked and once inside said that the doctor was on his way. When the latter entered, Melissa told him: "Doctor, check Buck too before leaving"

"It's not necessary", he mocked, but Melissa replied: "Don't argue with me, you know it's useless"

She regretted having made that allusion to their relationship, but it came naturally to her, as if she wanted to mark the territory in front of Mary. Rachel smiled.

The doctor examined both of them and decreed that they were fine. He would spend the next day visiting Mary just to be safe.

In the evening, at dinner, Mary told everyone a little about herself and seemed to have recovered well from what happened. In reality she was not very fond of the house she had lost. It is true that it belonged to her brother, but she had lived there so little that she still did not feel it was hers and had not luckily lost the memories of her brother that were in a trunk in the stable.

Buck offered to accompany her the next day to get what she could and she gladly accepted his offer.

The smile had returned to Buck's face, that smile Melissa loved so much and hadn't seen him since Ike's death.

On the one hand she was happy, but on the other her heart squeezed because it wasn't she who made him return it, it was another woman.