Disclaimer: Do I really have to tell you that the characters and ship belong to Paramount?
Author's Note: Everybody's writing all these sad stories for Endgame and stuff, I guilty of that too. But now I'm here to cheer everybody up. I've got these people saying stuff that we say now but they won't say then, much to my spellchecker's dismay. When someone says something strange to someone else, the next thing the other person says has to be weird too. This makes for some very interesting one on one conversations. To try to help you figure out who is saying something weird, I put their name in bold when they say it. Also, if I think that you aren't going to figure out what a certain thing means, I'll tell you what it is.
Blooper (I'm not really sure if we're allowed to put these in, but I was in a crazy mood, here goes): In day of Honor, B'Elanna and Tom are floating in space. B'Elanna says, "I have to tell you this… I love you." A strange expression crosses Tom's face, but she keeps going, saying, "Say something." Tom replies, "ACHOO!!!" From somewhere off stage comes a, "Gadzuitheit. (sp?)" B'Elanna/Roxann starts babbling, "Okay, now I'm glad that we have these suits on because he would have sneezed all over me." The end.
Yakity Yak
When woke up one morning, she had the irresistible urge to say something crazy. When she stepped out of the cargo bay into the outskirts of a large group of people, she finally found something to talk about.
Seven yelled, "Aye, who cut the cheese? (Who farted? The rest is ways to say it wasn't me)"
All conversation as everyone put their thumbs to their noses and wiggled the rest of their fingers.
One crewman said, "Whoever smelt it dealt it."
An ensign replied, "Whoever denied it supplied it."
A second crewman put in; "The faker's the maker."
Noticing that she had been accused, Seven blushed and promptly left.
A crewman said to Harry Kim, "Who said there's no such thing as a dumb blonde?"
Harry shrugged and left for the bridge with an irresistible urge to say something crazy.
When Harry reached the bridge, he called out, "Hommie Gee." (Common greeting of gangsters)
This was met with a "Howdy," from Tom.
Janeway walked up to Harry and asked, "what was that all about?"
Harry replied, "Well, you see, that's an interesting question, because I'm not really sure."
Not satisfied with that answer, but deciding to shrug it off, Janeway walked across the back of the bridge with the intention of going to her ready room.
She stopped at when she reached Tuvok, but instead of saying, "you have the bridge," all that came out was, "Wazzup?"
"Bug off," was Tuvok's reply.
Confused at both herself and Tuvok, Janeway said, "Wow there killer."
Tuvok, who seemed royally pissed off, replied, "Go eat yourself."
A now dumbfounded Captain said, "Bite me."
Which was met with a, "That's what I told you to do," from Tuvok.
Then Chakotay stepped off the turbolift next to them and paused, watching the heated argument.
"Go jump in a lake," said Janeway to Tuvok, now yelling.
"Go fly a kite," replied Tuvok.
"Go eat a bug," counters Janeway.
Chakotay intervened by saying, "Is, uh, is there anything I can help you with?"
Chakotay was yelled at by both Tuvok and Janeway simotaniously, who both said, "Go crash a shuttle."
Chakotay seemed to shrink a couple of feet as he slinked back into the turbolift.
"Uh, sorry Tuvok. I'll be in my ready room," said Janeway resuming her original mission. She left the bridge with a definite dazed and confused look on her face.
Chakotay started walking toward the shuttlebay. He had no intention of crashing a shuttle, but he needed a place where he could get over the scariest thing that had ever happened to him. When he entered the shuttlebay, Chakotay immediately noticed a serious lack of Delta Flyer.
Looking to the ensign who was making repairs to a shuttle, Chakotay asked, "Dude where's my car?" (Car = shuttle)
The ensign replied, "MIA." (Missing in action)
"That's bull, it was here yesterday," Chakotay pointed out. (Bull is short for bull $^!%)
"That was yesterday," replied the ensign.
"So where is it today?" asked Chakotay.
"It took a hike and so should you," said the ensign.
Chakotay ran out of the shuttle bay crying, "Nobody loves me!"
The ensign soon left the shuttlebay and headed to engineering.
When he got to engineering, the ensign called out to no one in particular, "That was crazy man!"
Vorik, who was working nearby asked, "Huh?
The ensign said, "It was creepy, I made Chakotay cry."
"What'd you do?" asked Vorik.
"I told him to take a hike," answered the ensign.
"Bad news," replied Vorik.
"How so?" asked the ensign.
Vorik replied, "He's the big guy in charge, are we understanding each other?"
"Right," said the ensign.
Vorik walked over to B'Elanna and said, "How now brown cow?"
B'Elanna replied, "Watch it buster."
Vorik replied, "Oky doky."
"Simmer down now, capish?" B'Elanna emphasized the last word with a menacing tone.
Vorik cowered down and squeaked, "Capish."
An exasperated B'Elanna walked by a crewman and exclaimed, "Brown cow, the nerve!"
The low hum of conversation that went through engineering soon consisted of strange sayings and insults.
Crewman Malley, who was trying to fix a modulation in the power grid, was approached by Ensign Collins who said, "Peace man."
"This blows," replied Malley
"Wanna fill me in?" asked Collins.
"Indubitably," replied Malley.
"So…" prompted Collins.
"Read it and weep," said Malley
"Um, yikes," exclaimed Collins.
"Yeah, the whole friggin' is off," pouted Malley.
"Never fear, super ensign is here," said Collins.
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" said Malley.
"Let me teach you the ways of the world," said Collins.
"I'm scared," replied Malley.
"I know how to nab this problem in the butt," bragged Collins.
"Well quit yappin' and fix it," exclaimed Malley.
"Well alrighty then," said Collins.
"Knock yourself out," replied Malley, getting quite tired of Anderson's constant bragging.
When the console overloaded and went dead, Ensign Collins said, "What are the odds of that."
"No comment," was all that Malley could say.
"Step aside, I'm a man on a mission," said Collins, striding off towards a jefferies tube.
"Ya don't say," said Malley, following him.
"I'm gonna be a macho man," said Collins.
"You're scaring the livin' crud outta me," said Malley, sarcastically.
"Stick a cork in it," replied Collins.
"Who died and made you king?" asked Malley.
"Take a chill pill," said Collins. (A way to say chill out)
"Come off it," said Malley.
"No can do," said Collins.
"Suit yourself," said Malley.
"Don't mind if I do," said Collins.
"Talk to the hand," said Malley.
"I don't need your attitude, I got my own," said Collins.
"So I noticed," said Malley as they approached their destination in the jefferies tube.
"Ooh, big scary bubba's out to get me," whined Collins.
"Quit dissing yourself," replied Malley. (Dissing = insulting)
"Not the brightest crayon in the box are we now?" asked Collins.
"Not the sharpest tool in the shed," said Malley, reaching in to the access port.
"Whatcha doin'?" asked Collins.
"You're the criminal mastermind, not me," said, Malley, evading the question.
Scanning the apparatus with a tricorder, Collins said, "How'd you pull that one off, ya fixed it."
Malley replied, "I read your mind when ya wasn't lookin'."
"Coolio," exclaimed Collins, "That thing was doin' worse than a shiskabob and you fixed it!"
"Now who's the macho man, er woman?" asked Malley.
"I grovel at your feet," said Collins.
"Shall we go then?" asked Malley
"Whatever floats your boat," replied Collins.
"Whatever honks, your horn," said Malley.
They both started crawling back out of the jefferies tube, feeling very happy with themselves.
When they reached engineering again, they both started singing, "Bow wow wow yipio yipia bow wow yipio yipia." (That's from a song)
A few minutes later, Crewman Malley was approached by B'Elanna, who said, "Word on the street is you fixed that fluctuation all by yourself."
Malley replied, "What can I say, I'm just a rocket scientist."
"We're all rocket scientists," B'Elanna pointed out.
"Well, ya don't have ta rub it in," complained Malley.
B'Elanna smiled and walked off.
Not long afterwards, B'Elanna passed the Captain, who had just tried to walk through a closed door, in the corridor and said, "Nice move."
Janeway gave her a look that was a combination of her death glare and an expression that only could only say, "ouch"
Via her com badge, Chakotay called the Captain to sickbay; Janeway arrived a few minutes later.
Chakotay had noticed that something was wrong and had gone to the doctor to try to find some answers. Janeway walked in a few minutes later. Chakotay had already explain the situation to the Doctor.
The Doctor said, "First we will want to try to find out where it all started."
"Harry brought it too the bridge, and he was outside of cargobay two before he reported for duty," said Chakotay.
"Seven done it," exclaimed Janeway, and then asked, "How could you have figured out where Harry was before his shift?"
"I have inside connections and the virus is in here!" exclaimed Chakotay.
"Seven, get your Borg-behind to sickbay," Janeway called, tapping her com badge.
Seven soon arrived and stepped in the door saying, "Yo."
"Mind if we grill you for a minute?" asked Janeway. (Interrogate)
"Shoot," said Seven. (Go ahead)
"What was the first thing you thought this morning," asked the Doctor.
Seven replied, "I just wanted to say something crazy."
"You done it!" exclaimed Janeway.
"My bad," said Seven, dropping her eyes to the floor.
"Eureka! I've got it!" cried the Doctor, "It's a virus from a plant we picked up a few days ago that is being stored in cargo bay two."
"What makes you so sure," asked Seven.
"Cuz I ate my fair share of smarties this morning," replied the Doctor. (Smarties = a candy that supposedly makes you smart, not really)
"Let's go figure out what plant this is," said Janeway.
As they were leaving, Chakotay cried out, "Let's blow this Popsicle stand!"
When they stepped outside of sickbay, many crewmembers sprinted by, almost running them over.
"What's all the hullabaloo about?" asked Janeway.
"Let's go check it out," said Seven.
Janeway, Chakotay, the Doctor, and Seven all started running until they reached the source of the commotion. The rest of the crew were yelling like madmen and cramming themselves into the jefferies tubes. This wouldn't have been a problem if someone hadn't sealed off all but ten jefferies tubes.
Janeway, Chakotay, the Doctor, and Seven soon found themselves rushing into the jefferies tubes along with the rest of the crew with the Doctor yelling, "Let's party!"
When everyone was squished inside the jefferies tubes, all that could be heard among the masses of sprawled people was fragmented conversations, mostly caused by what the Doctor laughingly called, "The Virus."
All around people were saying things like;
"Don't move a muscle!"
"Ow, okay, that was my funny bone!"
"Watch it pal!"
"You want a piece of me?"
"Do you have any idea of where you just kicked me?"
"Well, I do now!"
"Paws off sister!"
"Get offa me!"
"Who turned out the lights?"
"You did brainiac!"
"Bring it on!"
"Stop, that tickles!"
"No touchee!"
"Get a room!"
"Did you mean to sock me in the face?"
"Get your smelly dogs outta my face!" (Dogs = feet)
Suddenly someone screamed and yelled, "It's the boogie man and he's gonna get us!"
Everyone started screaming and scrambling as best they could to get to the doors.
Once everyone was out, Harry found Tom and B'Elanna and said, "That took some major talent."
B'Elanna looked at her reflection in a display board and freaked out, crying, "They messed up my hair."
Then Tom screamed, "I broke a nail!"
"Oh poor baby," said B'Elanna, kissing his finger.
"I'll get over it," cried Tom.
"You're an animal," said B'Elanna.
"Hey," said Tom, "I've got a serious case of the munchies, you wanna go grab something to eat?"
They start walking toward the mess hall, but wound up behind your average corridor hogs, who were walking slow and not allowing anyone to pass them.
Getting tired of walking so slow, Harry called to them, "Hey, if you were walking any slower, you'd be goin' backwards."
"Give it a rest," called one of them, as they all started walking slower than humanly possible.
"Slick," said Tom to Harry concerning the speed that they were now walking.
"March," B'Elanna yelled and the other group immediately sped up.
"Please don't hurt me," called another one of them.
Harry said, "Smooth," as Tom tripped over his own shoe.
"Like, cool it guys," said B'Elanna.
"Why, like, are, like, you, like, saying, like, like?" asked Tom.
"Just felt like doin' somethin' crazy," replied B'Elanna.
"Have mercy," pleaded Tom.
"Oh, I need some java," sighed Harry.
"Jabba or java?" asked Tom, who had obviously not heard him correctly.
"Yeah, Jabba da hut, no Einstein, java as in coffee," explained Harry sarcastically. (Jabba da Hut is the worm guy from "Starwars")
"Alright, gosh, you don't have to bite my head off," cried Tom trying to take a playful slap at Harry's face.
"Aye," said B'Elanna, "you can pick on your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose."
"Oh please," said Tom, noticing what she was getting at and immediately calling off his assault.
"People these days," said B'Elanna, as they walked into the mess hall, "they just don't know their head from their butt."
When they reached the front of the line for lunch, Tom inquired to Neelix concerning the day's mystery mash, "What's the grub?"
Neelix, instead of answering the question, said, "Moncheir mademoiselle, and uh monsiers, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that we welcome you tonight, and now, let us pull a chair, we invite you to relax as the dinning room proudly presents, your dinner." (Mocheir is welcome in French. What he just said is from Disney's Beauty and the Beast)
"Okay, I'll take a suicide," said Harry ignoring Neelix's greeting. (Suicide is when you mix everything you can find together and eat or drink it, usually mixing soft drinks)
"A wise choice indeed," replied Neelix, filling his plate.
"I think I'm gonna blow chunks," moaned B'Elanna, concerning Harry's meal. (Blow chunks = vomit)
"Just put your head between your knees," said Tom, then added to Neelix, "I'll have a chocolate milk on the, ah, rocks."
"Your wish is my command," responded Neelix dutifully.
B'Elanna gagged.
Eventually, Tom, Harry, and B'Elanna all got their food and sat down to eat. They didn't get very far before Chakotay approached the table.
"Dr. Lector," cried B'Elanna in mock terror. (Think Silence of the Lambs or Hannibal)
"Hello Clarece," replied Chakotay, evilly, then he said to Harry, "Scootchatush" (move over)
Harry stood up and moved over, but doesn't sit back down. It became apparent that he had zoned out when Harry said, "E.T. phone home."
"Sit boy," commanded Tom and after Harry sat praised, "Good dog."
Out of nowhere, Harry said, "There's this cow in the middle of the road. I one it." (One as in won)
"I two it," said Tom.
"I three it," said B'Elanna.
"I four it," said Chakotay.
"I five it," said Harry.
"I six it," said Tom.
"I seven it," said B'Elanna.
"I eight it," said Chakotay, and immediately afterwards started banging his head against the table at his own idiocy. (Eight as in ate)
"You ate my cow?" asked Harry.
"No, I'm a vegetablearian," replied Chakotay. (vegetablearian = vegetarian)
"That's an interesting point," said B'Elanna, "Because I have heard on good authority that you have been eating pot roast for diner with the Captain."
"It's fake food," said Chakotay, "Not to mention she burns the crud out of it."
"That's too much information," screamed B'Elanna with her head in her hands.
"Uh hu," said Harry, with his mouth full of food.
"Hey," yelled Chakotay, "Don't talk with your mouth full."
"Don't chew with your mouth open," replied Harry.
Tom said, "Don't talk with your mouth open, I mean…"
"Mallhight Hom," said B'Elanna, trying to talk with her mouth closed. (Alright Tom with your mouth closed)
"This is one of the best breakfasts that Neelix has ever made," said Tom.
"Well, I'm glad your enjoying your breakfast, but we're all on dinner now," replied B'Elanna.
"Give it up," cried Tom.
Noticing Tom's empty plate, Harry asked, "What happened to all of your food?"
Tom's reply came as, "*BURP*"
Everybody started laughing, including Tom, but well after everyone else had gotten over it, B'Elanna was still cracking up. She was laughing so hard that she was crying and slapping the table. Between gasps and laughs, she was trying to say, "Good times, oh that was classic."
"Was it really that funny?" Harry asked Tom.
Tom shrugged and asked B'Elanna, "Are you slaphappy?" (Slaphappy is when you're so tired that everything's funny)
B'Elanna contained herself enough to say, "I haven't gotten much snoozypooz lately," before cracking up again. (Snoozypooz = sleep)
In understanding, Chakotay said, "Dude."
Tom asked, "Dude?"
Harry shrugged and said and affirming, "Dude."
B'Elanna, who had finally contained herself, agreed and said, "Dude."
Tom, who was not following, asked, "Dudes?"
It was then that everybody realized that they had lost all track of the conversation and they all said simotainously, "Huh? Jinx." (When you say something at the same time as someone else, you can jinx them and they can't talk for a minute)
Abiding by the rules of the jinx, they all sat quiet for a few seconds until Janeway called over the com, "B'Elanna, I need you on the bridge on deck five."
B'Elanna looked around at them, as she had not yet served her jinx. The time until it was over seemed to be hours away.
Finally, B'Elanna gave in and tapped be com badge, asking, "You sure you don't mean sickbay?" (If sickbay isn't on deck five I'm sorry)
"No, I mean the bridge, come on," urged Janeway.
"The bridge is on deck five now?" asked B'Elanna.
Finally catching her mistake, Janeway said, "Do what I mean, not what I say."
"Well what do you mean?" growled B'Elanna.
"Don't have a hissy fit, I mean the bridge," replied Janeway.
"Do I hafta?" asked B'Elanna.
"Kwitcherbelliakin," replied the Captain. (Quit your belly aching)
"Shuckydarn," moaned B'Elanna, "I don't wanna go, Captain." (Shuckydarn = dang)
"Don't call me Captain, I am now da dancin' foo," replied Janeway, "By the way, get chew tail up here." (Foo = fool in some form of slang)
"Well excuse me for livin'," complained B'Elanna.
"Andele," urged Janeway. (Hurry up in Spanish)
As B'Elanna got up to head for the door, Tom came with her. They both started walking toward a turbolift. As they enter the corridor outside of the mess hall, the door closes before Tom is all the way through, causing him to ungracefully jump out of the way.
"Have to be smarter than the door," said B'Elanna.
"Give it up," moaned Tom.
B'Elanna said, "I wonder if we can nab this thing just by talking.
"I don't dig," replied Tom.
"Seriously," continued B'Elanna, "Maybe we can burn its battery out."
"Oh, gotcha," exclaimed Tom in understanding.
When they stepped on the turbolift, and had started their assent, B'Elanna said, "I'm gonna hafta go soon."
"Well, see ya," replied Tom.
"Adios," said B'Elanna. (Goodbye in Spanish
"Hasta Luego," said Tom. (See you later in Spanish)
"Bubye," said B'Elanna.
"Hasta la vista," said Tom. (See you later in Spanish)
"I'll be back," said B'Elanna.
"You always have to have the last word don't you?" asked Tom as they stepped off the turbolift onto the bridge. Seven was at the science station nearby.
B'Elanna replied, "Considering what's at steak here, yeah."
"You didn't say something weird," exclaimed Tom.
"I think we got it!" cried B'Elanna.
They jump around for a minute while Seven leaves the bridge via the turbolift.
A few minutes later and a couple decks down, Seven said to the first person she saw, "I come in peace, take me to your leader."
A crewman that was nearby said, "I thought we we're through with this."
The person that Seven had just talked to said, "A virus doesn't just go away, I pity da fool who don't know that!"
Like it? Hate it? Tell me I can take it!
P.S. Point to ponder; After watching Lineage for the third time, I noticed that the doctor said that the fetus was seven weeks old. Now seven weeks is longer than a month. Unless they figured out someway to change this in the future, old Aunt Flow would have missed her visit and B'Elanna woulda noticed. Just thought I'd mention.