After the Glow (Part 5 of Death is my Friend)
by Anna Hulterstroem and Grit Kaerst
Mary was nervous and Paul had known her long enough to recognize the symptoms.
"Honey, do you really think this is such a good idea? I mean you used to be perfectly happy staying at home. The house needs you, I need you, so why chase after this?"
Mary stopped and stared at her husband. "You know why Paul. This is something I just have to do. We've been over this several times now and nothing you say can make me change my mind."
Paul took Mary's hand. "I know dear, I just wanted you to be sure that's all. I just saw how nervous you are, and ... You know I love you."
"I know dear." Mary bent down and kissed her husband's pate. "I must rush, or I'll be late on my first day."
With those words Mary picked up her bag and was out of the door. She had an hour's drive in front of her, longer if she got stuck in the rush-hour traffic, but she felt it was worth it.
Nevertheless, she felt a little apprehensive when she walked up the steps leading to the very same hospice where her daughter, Tracy, had died only a few months ago. Her uneasiness stopped the moment she opened the door and stepped into the warm and friendly atmosphere of the hospice.
George, the manager, saw her and came over to greet her. "Welcome Mary. We are all very happy that you want to help us."
Mary took his outstretched hand and then she let herself be led down the hall to the common room.
A lot had happened during the few months she had been away. Most of the patients she had seen when Tracy was ill, were now dead and new people awaited her acquaintance. There was especially one that she noticed. He was so young, hardly older than a boy. She asked George about him.
"Oh, that is Neil. He is seventeen, but he looks younger. He has AIDS. The real sad thing is that he has no family. Both his mother and father have already died of the disease. He could really need someone who cared a little extra about him. He is somewhat reserved though. There are not many that he opens up to."
"Well, I can understand that. It can't be easy growing up with such a disease, and then on top of it all watch your parents die of the same disease." Mary stared thoughtfully at the young man. At that moment she longed to see Andrew again, so she could ask him about Neil and his parents.
****************
But he was nowhere in sight. Mary stepped into the room of the young man. He looked up, curious as to who was visiting him.
Mary smiled at him as he looked up with a questioning face. "Hi, I'm Mary."
"Hi, I'm Neil," the young man answered weakly. Mary didn't need any special education to see that he hadn't much time left. "Are you a new nurse?"
Mary relaxed and sat down next to his bed as Neil smiled a friendly smile at her. "No, not really. This is my first day here. I'm not really a nurse, but I try to help the patients by visiting them, talking with them or just listening," Mary answered a little bit nervously. She wasn't sure how he would react. She knew, from what Tracy had told her, that some patients could get very angry because of such comments, because they didn't want anyone to feel pity for them.
But Neil was different. He didn't seem to get angry, but he got really sad. His smile vanished from his face. "So, George told you that I don't get any visitors?!" It was more a statement than a question.
Mary nodded sadly, "Yes, he told me. He seems to be a really nice guy."
The smile on Neil's face returned. "Yes, he is. He often comes and talks with me, like ..." His voice trailed off in the middle of the sentence.
"Like who?" Mary asked, surprised, after Neil didn't continue.
Neil sighed."Well, there is someone who visits me from time to time. I met him for the first time shortly after my parents died and somehow he shows up every time
I feel I need a friend. I've known him a few years now, but I have no clue where he comes from or anything. But it never really mattered to me, since he is a really nice guy."
"You mean, you don't know who he is?"
Neil shook his head. "No, all I know is that his name is Andrew and that he always knows when I'm in trouble."
Mary needed a moment to recover from the shock. Was the stranger the same Andrew that she knew? "Did you ask him?"
"Yes, he told me that he was a friend of my mom and that she asked him to keep an eye on me."
After Neil fell asleep, Mary stood up and walked out of the room. When she came around the next corner, she ran straight into someone. As she looked up at the person she had run into, she recognized him. It was Andrew.
******************
"Andrew! What are you doing here?" The question was out before she realized whom she was talking to. "Is it time, is someone... are you here officially?"
Andrew smiled. He understood her embarrassment. "No, nobody is going to die right now, but I am here to see Neil. I understand that you have seen him too?"
"Yes, I have. He told me about you, but he says he doesn't know who you are, apart from your name."
"No, I rarely tell people until I really have to. I know only too well how people react to who I am." Andrew took Mary's arm and together they began walking towards Neil's room.
"Yes ... yes, I can appreciate that, but Tracy knew!" Mary didn't quite know what to think.
"Yes, Tracy got to know me through someone who knew who I was, and he knew because he had got to know me from someone who knew. It's a long story. Tracy is very proud of you by the way." Andrew looked amused.
They had come to Neil's door. "Will you come in with me?" Andrew asked.
Neil's eyes grew huge when Mary came in together with his friend Andrew. It looked as if they knew each other very well. "Andrew, Mary! You two know each other?"
Andrew laughed. "Yes Neil we do, but Mary didn't know that I knew you."
******************
Neil nodded and joked, "Isn't it interesting how small the world is?"
Mary looked at Andrew, and he at her, and both had to laugh too. "Yes it is. You never know who you will meet."
Mary and Andrew both took a chair next to Neil's bed and Andrew asked him, "It's a long time since we saw each other. How are you doing my friend?"
Neil smiled at him. "It isn't sooooo long ago. You remember that you were here last week? Well, maybe you're starting to get old," Neil joked. He had known Andrew a long time now and they had both started this play with words many years ago, when Neil was a little boy.
Andrew laughed. "Believe me, you have NO idea HOW OLD I am."
Andrew and Mary stayed for the next half-hour until Neil started to get tired and told them that he needed a little nap. They talked a lot. Mary told him how she met Andrew, without telling him who he really was, and she told Neil why she had started this work. Neil told Mary about his parents and how Andrew had helped him through the time after their death. But Mary noticed that he never spoke about his own death and she got the feeling that he was trying to avoid that theme as if he could deny that it was going to happen. She attempted a few times to broach the subject but Neil used every chance to change the topic. Mary decided to talk with Andrew about it; maybe Neil talked with him about it.
After Neil fell asleep, Mary and Andrew stood up and silently walked out of the room.
**************************
They continued to walk in silence until they reached the room that served as a chapel. The moment they were through the doors and Mary could see that they were alone she turned to Andrew. "He knows he is dying, doesn't he? Does he ever talk to you about it?"
Andrew looked sadly at Mary. "Oh, he knows he is dying - deep down - but he does his best to deny it."
"Is there anything I can do? I mean, he needs to be able to accept it, doesn't he?" Mary searched Andrew's face for the answer.
"He will need your help Mary. Even though he knows me as a friend, it will be hard for him when the time comes if he doesn't accept what is about to happen." Andrew placed a hand on Mary's shoulder.
Mary remembered that Tracy once had told her that Andrew felt deeply for every soul that he helped and that taking children home was the hardest of all. 'It must be very difficult for him to see Neil like this,' she thought.
"How long does he have?" she asked.
"I don't know yet, Mary, but I can see that there's not that much time left," Andrew sighed.
Andrew and Mary sat together a while longer. Mary found it strangely comforting to sit beside the angel. She had had the same feeling when Tracy was ill, but she marveled at it every time. She bowed her head and said a prayer for Neil and that she would be able to help. When she looked up again Andrew was gone. She looked up and smiled and said a silent 'thank You.'
The rest of the day went by without anything special happening.
When she got home she found Paul in the kitchen preparing dinner. "How did your first day go?" he greeted her.
She told him about Neil and Andrew, and she told him that she intended to be with Neil as she had been with Tracy.
Paul put his arm around her. "I expected nothing less from you. I know that you always give with your whole heart."
The next morning dawned and Mary was early at the hospice. Neil still slept, like most of the other patients.
Mary used the time to talk with George. Neil said that he often visited him. She found George in the common room. He was alone and Mary walked over to him.
"Good morning!" he greeted her. "So early?"
Mary smiled. "Good morning. Yes, I couldn't sleep last night. I thought a lot about Neil. He is a really nice guy."
George walked, with a cup of coffee in his hand, over to the table and sat down. Mary did the same. "Yes, he is. I liked him from the first moment he moved in here."
"He told me that you often visit him," Mary began. "I visited him a couple of times yesterday and I like him, but I got the feeling that he didn't want to speak about what's going to happen. I was wondering if maybe he talked to you about it."
George sighed and shook his head. " He has spoken to me once or twice, about it, but he changed the subject as soon as possible."
"What did he tell you?"
"Not much, only that he remembered how his parents died and that he didn't want to die like that. And that he was afraid of dying alone in the night with no one around him."
Mary's heart went out to the boy. "How did his parents die?"
"His mom had pneumonia and she had a lot of breathing problems because of this. Her death was really slow and painful for her."
"I'm sorry to hear this!"
When George looked at his watch, he noticed that it was time to serve breakfast to the patients.
Both George and Mary stood up and started with their work.
******************
Mary took one tray and went to Neil with his breakfast. Neil was awake but only just. "I'm not hungry Mary. Can't you just give it to someone else, please."
"You need to eat, Neil. I'll stay here with you and help you." Mary was adamant.
"I'm no baby. Just go away," Neil countered.
"I know you aren't, but I remember that Tracy needed help sometimes; besides, a little company makes things easier," Mary continued.
Reluctantly Neil had to admit that some coffee and toast would probably go down. And he did appreciate the company. "Tell me more about Tracy, please," he asked.
"Tracy was my daughter. She decided to be a nurse, against her daddy's and my wishes. Then she started to work here. Neither of us wanted that for our girl. There were some rather heated arguments. Neither of us wanted to hear why she wanted to work here. Tracy left and we told her that she could never come back unless she said she was sorry and was willing to change. She returned a year later, together with Andrew, and I sent them away. It was a friend of Andrew's who told us that Tracy had something very important to tell us and that we had to listen to her. So we went to her apartment and there we learned that she had a form of leukemia. It was incurable but slow. It was the leukemia that made her decide to come to work here. She thought that being around dying patients would make it easier for her when it was her time. The day she came to us with Andrew, she came to tell us that she was sick and that the disease was progressing faster than expected."
"Were Tracy and Andrew married?" Neil broke in.
"No, they were just good friends. Just like you and Andrew are good friends. She actually met him here at the hospice. He was here visiting another friend, Roger. No, Andrew came along as support, since Tracy was nervous about how we were going to react. Tracy worked here right up till the last weeks. Then she had to become a patient herself. I spent just about all the time I had with her and that's when I saw what a visit can mean." Mary paused, then continued, "Would you like me to stay with you as I stayed with Tracy?"
Neil got tears in his eyes. "Would you do that for me? Why?"
"Because when I see you, I see my daughter. I very nearly let her die alone. I would like to stay with you, please," Mary pleaded, unsure how the boy would react.
"I am dying aren't I? You know, that's what I've been most afraid of, dying alone, and I've been too scared to ask anyone. I just was afraid I would be rejected and feel more alone than ever."
Mary just wanted to take the boy in her arms and rock him like a baby. Instead she took his hands. "I promise that you will not be alone."
*****************
"You can't promise me that! What if it happens during the night, when you are at home, sleeping?"
Mary could see how new fear appeared in the boy's eyes. "This won't happen, I will be by your side even if it is in the middle of the night and so will God," Mary told him gently. She was sure that Andrew would tell her if he had to take Neil Home, like he told her with Tracy.
"Don't talk to me about God! Like I already told Andrew, I don't want to have anything to do with Him," Neil replied angrily. "I used to believe in Him and asked Him to save my mom and my dad, but He didn't, instead I got this terrible disease too! There can't be a God!"
Mary sadly shook her head. "Neil, I understand that you are angry with Him. It's more than understandable, but believe me when I tell you that He didn't give you AIDS, just as He didn't give the leukemia to Tracy. I thought this at first too, that it was a punishment or something like that, but it isn't. He loves you Neil, just as He loves your parents."
"Why did they have to die? Why do I have to die then? He could prevent it, but why doesn't He do it?"
"I don't know Neil, it's something that you have to ask Him. All I know is that He has a plan and that we should trust Him. You see, death isn't as scary as most people think. I know, through my experience with Tracy, that there is an angel at every dying person's side when the time comes. And that angel is a really nice guy. Nobody is alone in death. I promise you!" Mary looked deep into Neil's eyes to make sure that he understood that she really meant what she said.
"You are talking about the Angel of Death? Are you telling me that you know him?" Neil asked skeptically.
Mary nodded with a smile. "Yes."
At that moment, Andrew entered the room and Neil forgot to ask her more about that angel. "Good morning you two!" Andrew greeted both.
Neil and Mary greeted him back with a smile of their own.
"Two visits in two days? Am I in trouble and don't know it?" Neil joked.
Andrew laughed. "No, I was just in the vicinity and I thought I would pay a short visit and say hello to you two."
****************
Andrew grabbed a chair and sat down next to Neil's bed. "So what were you two talking about when I came in?"
"Oh, nothing special. Mary is trying to convince me that there is a God and that there is an Angel of Death." Neil did his best to sound flippant.
"Well there are, you know I've told you that before. God loves you so much, Neil, and it breaks His heart to see you go through this. The Angel of Death loves you too and would do anything to help you out of this, if only he could." Andrew took Neil's hand and looked him in the eyes.
"What is it with you people, neither one of you can promise anything and neither one of you knows what happens when you take the great plunge." Neil was beginning to sound irritated and he snapped his hand back from Andrew.
Andrew stood up. "Yes we can Neil. Mary can because she knows what happened when Tracy died and because she knows who I am." A warm loving light suddenly surrounded Andrew. "I am an angel, Neil. It was I who took Tracy Home to God, just as I brought your parents Home. I'm the Angel of Death."
Neil gaped at the light. Then the old resentment came back. "So you pretended to be my friend, just so you could gloat more at my fear."
Mary was upset by this and was just going to make a move, when Andrew put out a calming hand. "Neil, we've been friends for a long time now. Can you look me in the eyes and say that that is what you truly believe?"
Neil lifted his eyes and looked Andrew in the eyes, then hung his head. "No, I can't. You have always been there for me when I needed a friend. I guess you are my best friend."
Andrew smiled and once again took Neil's hand. "I am your friend, but it's God who is your very best friend."
Neil searched Andrew's face. He had been hit by a thought and now he needed an answer. "You have known me all these years without telling me who you are, and now you tell me. I'm going to die soon, aren't I?"
Andrew's face turned sad as he nodded. "Yes my friend, I wish I had a different answer to your question, but yes, you are going to die soon. Just believe me when I say to you that death is nothing to fear and I too promise that you will not be alone. I promise that Mary will know, so that she can be with you, and I will be with you too. When Mary can't go with you any longer, then I will be there to take you the rest of the way. And God is also with you all the way." Those words made Andrew smile again.
Neil did his best to digest what he had just learned, but right now it was all just swirling around in his head. "Can you two leave me alone for a while? I really need some time alone to think about this." He lifted his head and looked pleadingly at Mary and Andrew.
Andrew and Mary glanced at each other. "Sure buddy, we understand," Andrew said and patted Neil's knee.
After Andrew and Mary left the room, Neil sighed heavily. This was all a little bit too much to understand at once. The man he had known since his childhood was an angel, or better THE Angel of Death, and Mary had known about him the whole time. Not forgetting that the angel just told him that he really had to die soon. His whole life, he had tried to deny this for himself and now ... .
Neil sat in his bed, thinking, for almost an hour. Tears appeared in Neil's eyes, as he finally folded his hands and prayed, for the first time since his parents died. "Dear God, it's me, Neil. I ... I don't know what to say first. Maybe it's a good idea to start with an apology. God, I'm so sorry. My whole life I was so angry with you. I thought you were punishing me for something and that this was the reason why my parents died and why I got this disease too. And just a few minutes ago, Andrew told me that he is one of Your angels and that You love me. I see now that You tried to help me by sending me a friend like Andrew and now Mary, but I never realized it. I'm so sorry for that. Please forgive me," Neil sighed and pushed his tears away. It had been a long time now since he had felt so good. A strange peace filled him. A peace that he never before had experienced. With a smile directed heavenwards, he added, "Thank you! I would be lying if I told You that I'm not afraid of dying anymore, but it helps to know that my friends will be around me. You, Andrew and Mary."
In the meantime in the common room, Mary and Andrew sat at a table, each of them with a cup of coffee in their hands. "Do you know how long Neil has?" Mary asked carefully.
Andrew shook his head. "No, not yet. But I think it won't be long now." When Andrew saw how Mary's lips trembled, he took her hand in his and asked gently, "Hey, everything okay?"
Mary could tell by the look in his eyes that he already knew the answer and wouldn't accept a 'yes'. "No, not really."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Mary nodded. "It ... it's just so hard Andrew. I see Neil and ..."
"... and he reminds you of Tracy. Right?"
"Yeah, I know that he has to go, I knew it from the moment that I entered this building. I knew that every patient here has to go, but it's still hard to face when it really happens or at least when there's not much time until it happens. I ask myself if it really was a good idea to work here. I'm not sure if I can get used to losing new friends."
Andrew could see how deeply Mary cared for the patients, especially Neil. His heart went out to the woman in front of him. With his most compassionate look he responded, "Mary, firstly ... DON'T EVER get used to losing someone! Please, it's important. I don't get used to this either and it's best that way, because we would also lose the compassion and love that's so important in our jobs. And secondly: Yes, it was the right decision, believe me. You are doing a really good job. You help the people who come in here a lot! Death is the most frightening thing in humans' lives. And every patient here KNOWS that there isn't much time for him or her here on earth. Some of them are at peace with God, themselves, their families and friends, but there are also so many--most of them-- like Neil, who are frightened and scared. They need you, like they needed Tracy. You see, people here need someone who can help them to face what's going to happen. No matter how strong their faiths are, most of them GET scared when time grows short. Mary, God gave you a special gift, you KNOW more about what death really is than anyone else here." Andrew smiled cheerfully at Mary and patted her hand gently.
Mary smiled back at Andrew. "Thank you, for reminding me of WHY I started with all this."
****************
Andrew seemed to be listening to something. He brought out his pocket watch and looked at it. He hurriedly stood up. "I've got to go Mary, maybe you would like to come with me? I don't think you have had much to do with Leroy, but I think he will appreciate having someone else besides me there right now."
Mary nodded and accepted Andrew's hand to help her up. "Yes, I'll come."
It was a short walk to Leroy's room, but it seemed very long to Mary. It felt so strange to walk with the Angel of Death to a room where a living man was soon going to die. "Andrew, doesn't all this pain and grief ever get to you?"
Andrew turned and looked deep into Mary's eyes. "Of course it does. Every time. But the joy afterwards more than compensates for the pain and grief." He smiled as he uttered the last words.
Mary was thoughtful when she came home and Paul respected her mood, but when she still was silent as they went to bed he just had to ask her what was going on. Mary tried the best she could to put into words what she had experienced that day. The outer events were not difficult to describe, but it was much harder with her feelings about it. Paul listened patiently and then he put his arms around her. "I love you so much Mary, and I agree with Andrew, you really will make all the difference to these people. If you ever need my help never hesitate to ask, you know that."
Mary smiled and kissed her husband. "Yes, love, I know and I promise I will tell you."
Mary needed Paul's help sooner than either one of them had thought. Because the following day one of the other patients, Hannah, who until now had been quiet and reserved, decided to talk to Mary. It turned out that Hannah had been placed in a foster home when she was five years old. Now all she could think of was her mother, whether she was alive and where she was. Mary promised to help Hannah find her mother. When Andrew appeared in the hallway, Mary took the opportunity to ask him if Hannah's mother was still alive. Andrew could assure her that the mother was still alive. He could also assure her that Neil still had some time left. Mary spent a lot of time with Neil that day, but also with Hannah who, now that her guard was down, wanted to talk. Mary phoned Paul at his work and told him about Hannah, and Paul, true to his word, came round to talk to Hannah to get the information that he could.
********************
"Hello Hannah, I want to introduce you to my husband Paul," Mary greeted Hannah as she walked into her room with a stranger at her side.
"Hi," Paul greeted her with a smile and Hannah shyly smiled back. "Mary told me that you would like to find your mother," Paul continued when he walked to the side of Hannah's bed and sat down in the chair that was standing there.
Hannah nodded. "Yes, but I ... I think it's impossible. I'm sure she is already dead."
"Maybe and maybe not. I think it's worth it to try to find her," Paul replied gently. Mary already told him that Andrew had assured her that Hannah's mother was still alive. "What can you tell me about her? And remember, EVERYTHING that you can say could be helpful."
"Well, I don't know much about her, only that her name is Susanne and that she was a singer. Ah, I have an old photo of her in my wallet. Wait!" Hannah started to search in her bedside table. It didn't take long until she gave a small paper to Paul.
When he looked at it, he saw that it was an old black/white photo of a beautiful woman with long blond hair. On her lap sat a small girl that seemed to be about 3 years old. "It's the only thing I have or know from her. I'm sorry, I already said that I'm sure it's impossible to find her."
Mary noticed a familiar presence at the door. She looked up and saw Andrew. The look in his eyes told her that he wanted to talk to her. Mary stood up and walked to the door.
"What's wrong?" she asked the angel with worry in her voice.
"I just got the word that you two haven't much time to find Hannah's mother," Andrew answered with sorrow.
Mary turned pale. "How much time do we have?"
"Three days. I'm sorry Mary, I wish I had other news for you."
******************
"What we need then is a miracle," Mary said with determination.
Andrew smiled. "Miracles happen all the time. Show George the photo."
With that Andrew left and Mary returned to her husband's side. Hannah had not been able to give any more information, but Paul had done his best to give the young woman hope nevertheless. Now that Mary had returned Paul stood up. He patted Hannah's hand and said, "God has performed miracles before, Hannah, don't give up hope."
Hannah nodded and then turned her head towards Mary. "Mary, who were you talking to in the hall? He looked so familiar."
Mary felt as if a cold hand was gripping her. "His name is Andrew and you have probably seen him here. He visits this place quite often." She did her best to sound cheerful.
As Paul and Mary walked down the hall Mary told her husband what Andrew had said. It was Paul who first spotted George. "Let's try this miracle shall we?" he said with a twinkle in his eyes.
George saw the two coming towards him. "So Mary's talked you into volunteering as well, has she?" he greeted them.
Paul smiled. "You could say that. One of the patients opened her heart to Mary today, and it turned out that I might be able to solve the girl's problem."
"What on earth could that be?" George looked confused. As far as he knew, none of his patients were in dire need of Paul's rather expensive legal help.
"Hannah needs help to find her mother," Mary filled in.
"Hannah, but Hannah's mother visits her almost every day." George was baffled.
"Hannah told us that she was put in foster care when she was just a small child. Now she wants to meet with her real mother before she dies," Mary told him.
"By the way, this is a photograph of the two together before they were separated." Paul held out the photo for George to see.
George took the photo and looked carefully at it. "But this is Susanne Wycliffe. I didn't know she had a
daughter!"
Paul and Mary glanced at each other. "You know her?" Paul asked.
"Why yes. She was a patient at a drug rehab I used to work at. Got herself clean too."
"When, where, what?" Paul was so excited that he almost stuttered.
"Right across town. She should still be in town. She got a job at a halfway house when she was clean. The Brook House halfway house."
**************
Paul thanked George and set off to the house that George had spoken of.
Mary in the meantime told Hannah that George knew her mother and that Paul had driven away to find her.
"But how? How did you know that George would know her? I mean, how big is the chance that this was just a coincidence?"
Mary smiled as she sat at Hannah's bed-side and saw the joy and disbelief in her eyes. "Well, let's say you have a special friend with special connections."
At that moment, there was a knock at the door and when Hannah looked to the door, she recognized the man that had spoken to Mary that morning. With a questioning look on her face, she asked Mary, "Is he the special friend?"
Mary nodded with a smile at Andrew. "Yes."
"Hello Hannah," Andrew greeted her with a friendly smile. "My name is Andrew," he continued as he walked over at Mary's side.
"Hi," Hannah quietly greeted back with a thin smile. He looked so familiar, but she couldn't remember where she had seen him before. Maybe Mary was right and she had seen him on the floor when he visited someone. "So, you were the one who told Mary that she should ask George?"
Andrew nodded silently.
Hannah looked bewildered. "But ... HOW ... ?"
Andrew laughed softly. "Like Mary already told you ... I have some special connections. But I promise you, you will find out about them soon."
Before Hannah could say anything in response, there was a new knock on the door. It was Paul and his expression told them that he hadn't good news.
Mary was the first who found the strength to ask, "What's wrong, Paul?"
"I was there and rang the door bell, but nobody opened. A neighbour, who came home from shopping, told me that the people who lived there were visiting some family members and wouldn't be back for 3 days. I showed him the picture and he said that Susanne was with them on the trip."
When Mary heard that it would take 3 days until they would come back, she remembered what Andrew had told her a few hours ago, that Hannah only had three days left. One look into his eyes told her that time could run short.
It was Paul who regained his composure the fastest. He had after all had time to think about the problem on his way back to the hospice. With a look at Andrew he offered his suggestion. "Andrew, do you think that Tess could help us with this? She is after all an expert on reuniting families." The last was said with a twinkle in his eye.
Andrew looked at first a little surprised, but when he had thought about it for a split second or so he found it to be a good idea. "Sure, why not. I'll go and ask her right away."
Hannah made big eyes when an ample woman with a dark complexion entered her room scarcely fifteen minutes after Andrew had made his 'call'. Everybody in the room greeted her with a smile and called her Tess.
"So, what is the problem, Andrew?" Tess said after having said a special hello to Hannah.
"Well, Tess, Hannah wants to find her real mother. We know her name, it's Susanne Wycliffe and we know she lives at the Brook House halfway house. Paul was just there, but it seems that the entire house is out of town visiting some relatives," Andrew answered her.
"Well, babies, you did just right to turn to old Tess. I happen to know where they are. It is not far and I can get her here tomorrow. Will that be okay?" The last question was asked with a glance at Andrew, who surreptitiously nodded his head.
Hannah was bewildered, happy, and tired. The others saw how tired she looked so they hastily wished her sweet dreams and left.
Mary went to see Neil. He was deteriorating so fast that she could see the changes in him from one hour to the next. He was now so weak that he slept most of the time. She went out to get herself some coffee. Outside Neil's door she ran into Andrew. She saw his sad expression and she knew what he was going to say before he had said it.
"Mary, you had better stay here with Neil tonight."
"So it's really going to happen tonight then?" Mary's eyes searched Andrew for a glimmer of hope, even though she knew that it was irrevocable.
Paul had already left the building, so Mary had to phone him on his cell phone to tell him that she needed to spend the night with Neil. Paul knew about the promise Mary had given him. He wasn't too happy about it. It would open the wound in Mary's heart again. One child after another dead. But Paul also knew that Mary was stubborn and she that had taken Neil under her wing. Paul sighed and said a prayer for his wife and one for Neil.
*********************
After Mary had spoken with Andrew and got a cup of coffee, she went back to Neil's room. He was still sleeping when she sat down in the chair next to his bed. Neil looked so pale and weak. Mary started to pray for him. She knew that he was going to a beautiful place. Mary knew Andrew too well for her to believe that he was lying when he told her that it's a beautiful place, this other side. But Mary also knew that Neil was still afraid of dying and she asked God to give him the peace that he would need to go without pain.
It was almost 8 p.m. when Neil woke up. When he saw Mary sitting next to him he looked questioningly, but with a smile, at her, "Hey, you are still here? Isn't your shift already over?"
Mary nodded and smiled back. "Yes, but I thought that I would spend some more time here with you today."
A look into Mary's sad eyes told Neil that this wasn't the whole truth. "Mary, you are not good at telling lies. It's not the only reason, isn't it? Andrew talked with you. Right?"
Mary saw that Neil already knew the answer and she also saw his fear of HER answer. "Yes. I met him this afternoon and he ... he told me that it would be a good idea to spend this night with you."
Neil gasped and tears appeared in his eyes, "You mean ... it ... it will happen tonight?"
Mary took Neil's hand in hers. "Yes. But I promise you that you won't be alone! I will stay with you, holding your hand and so will God. Neil, I know you are afraid, but please believe me there is nothing you have to be afraid of. You know Andrew. Do you really believe he would escort you to something terrible?" Mary asked gently.
Neil shook his head. "No, no, I've known him now for years and he has always been a good friend to me. Mary, I'm not afraid of WHERE I'm going. I'm ... ," Neil sighed heavily, "... I'm more afraid of the HOW."
Mary's heart went out to the boy when she saw his pleading look. But before Mary could say anything in response, the room was filled with a beautiful soft light. Neil and Mary looked, surprised, over towards the door and they looked into the gentle face of the Angel of Death.
Andrew smiled at both of them and spoke softly to Neil, "Don't be afraid of the HOW, Neil." Andrew walked to the other side of the bed and took Neil's other hand. "Neil, I know you are afraid of dying itself since you saw how your mother died. But I promise you it won't happen that way to you. Your mother had pneumonia. It made the transition harder for her," Andrew explained to Neil with a gentle, compassionate voice.
As Andrew started stroke Neil's forehead and pushed some hair back, Neil started to relax a little bit. "How much ... time?"
Andrew smiled. "Not long. But long enough to tell Mary what you have wanted to tell her for a long time," Andrew replied with a twinkle.
"Can you read my mind?" Neil asked, curious.
Andrew laughed and shook his head. "No, I can't but God can. He knows your heart and your mind and He thought that you would need a little push in the right direction."
"What is it? What do you want to tell me?" Mary asked, curious and surprised.
"Mary, I ... I have wanted to tell you this for a REALLY long time. I thank you for your friendship and your help since you started here. And ..." Neil's voice died when he looked at Andrew for some help. But Andrew nodded his head cheerfully.
"Mary, you are more to me than a friend. You are also like a mother to me." It was out. Something he had kept in his mind for a long time now and been afraid of telling her.
Mary started to cry and hugged Neil. "Neil, this is the most beautiful thing that anyone's ever said to me!" And then she said, "I too have wanted to tell you something similar the whole time. Neil, I have started to see and love you as my son."
Neil hugged Mary back and they both stayed that way a long time until Andrew put one hand on Mary's back and his other on Neil's shoulder and gently asked,
"Are you ready my friend?"
Mary cried harder when she felt Andrew's hand and how Neil slowly nodded his head. She whispered in his ear, "I love you my son."
She didn't release him until she felt how his body sagged and he was gone.
*********************
Mary laid Neil's body down and looked up. The light was still there in the room and she turned around. There stood Neil and Andrew. Both of them were smiling. Mary smiled back through the tears.
"We'll meet again. Thank you for everything, mother." Neil's voice reached her loud and clear. Then she was alone in the room.
Mary went to inform the nurse on night duty that Neil had just died. Then she went to the chapel to pray.
It was a tired Mary that turned up in Hannah's room the following morning. Hannah could not help but notice how tired Mary looked. "How are you Mary? You look so tired. Has something happened?"
"Neil died tonight. I stayed up with him, and then I just could not go to sleep," Mary answered.
"N..Neil died? How?" Hannah didn't want to believe what she had just heard.
"Neil was very ill. He had AIDS, you know. His body could no longer hold on. It was his time, Hannah," Mary gently told the young woman.
They both looked up as a friendly "Hello, babies!" was heard from the doorway.
"Tess!" Mary's face lit up. "Welcome, I hope you have good news."
"Better than just news, baby. I have the real thing." Tess was smiling like a Cheshire cat. She stepped through the door to allow a second person to enter.
Hannah stared at the woman that had just entered the room. "Mom? Mommy it is you!" Tears were beginning to flow down her cheeks.
The woman stepped up to the bed and hugged Hannah. "Hannah, I thought I would never see you again. Oh I have missed you so much," she sobbed.
*********************************Hannah and her mother hugged each other for a long time before they released each other. Susanne sat down in the chair next to the bed.
Hannah was still surprised about the events that had just happened. "It's ... it's a miracle! Tess! How did you ...? I mean, ..."
Tess laughed when she saw how the woman reacted. "Well, let's say ... I have some ..."
"Special connections?" Hannah suggested.
Tess nodded with a laugh and said, "We will leave you two alone now. I'm sure you have a lot of things to tell each other."
After Tess and Mary left the room, Hannah's mother was the first one to speak. "Hanni, I'm soooo sorry that I was never at your side. I have tried these last years to find you but the administrative bodies never gave me the name of the family they put you in."
Hannah could see the pain in her mother's eyes. "It's okay Mom, I believe you, just tell me WHY did they do this?"
Susanne sighed heavily. "When I was young, I used to take drugs. Today I can't understand why I did it, but I did it. I had a lot of troubles but I never wanted to give you away. I loved you too much. One day, you came home from a friend and you saw me taking drugs; you begged me to stop it. You told me some things that made me think and change my mind. It's amazing that a five-year old girl can tell you things that make you change your life, but you did it. I decided to go into a rehab. I thought I would give you to a foster home during that time and that I would get you back when I got out, but when the time came and I wanted you back, they told me that this was impossible."
In the meantime in the hall, Tess put a comforting arm around Mary when she saw how bad she looked. "Is everything okay?" she asked gently.
Mary shook her head. "No, not really. Last night was really hard and ... tomorrow isn't going to be better."
Tess gently rubbed Mary's back. "I know. Andrew told me about Neil and what's going to happen to Hannah."
"It's not fair, Tess!!!!" Mary exclaimed before thinking about what she was saying. "I mean, Hannah and Susanne were looking their whole lives for each other and now that they just found each other ... they are going to lose each other again!" Tears flowed down her face. Maybe it was the lack of sleep that made everything look so bad to her right now.
"I know that it seems like that to you, but ... you see, God gave Hannah and Susanne a special gift. They got the chance to talk with each other one last time. A lot of people never get that chance! Come on, let's get you some rest. I'm sure George will allow you to sleep a little bit in the common room after everything that has happened."
George saw that Mary needed some rest and allowed her to lay down on the couch in the common room. Tess waited until Mary fell asleep, which didn't take long, and then she walked out of the room.
Mary slept for the better part of the day and while she slept she felt herself wrapped in a warm comfortable cocoon of love. It reminded her of when she was a child and her mother tucked her in at bedtime. She could not remember any dreams when she woke up, just this warm loving feeling - and a feeling of joy.
Meanwhile Susanne and Tess sat together beside a sleeping Hannah. "You know that she has not much time left?" Tess asked Susanne.
Susanne nodded. "Yes, I can see it. My poor little baby. Why, Tess? Why did this have to happen? I have prayed every single day for us to be united again. And when it finally happened my little baby is going to die. What kind of God would do something like that?"
"A loving one. No, wait till I have finished." Tess held up her hand. "God didn't give Hannah this disease, and it grieves Him so much to see her like this. It was also people that decided to separate you and your daughter. But God heard your prayer, and Hannah's, and gave you both this gift - a chance to meet again on this earth. I know that it will not be for long, but it will be enough."
Susanne stared at Tess. "Who are you Tess, to speak so about God?"
Tess smiled. "I'm an angel, sent by God to tell you that He loves you and your daughter so much and He promises to be with you always, just as your daughter soon will always be with Him."
Susanne backed away. "No, no. God can't love us or Hanni wouldn't be dying and we would have found each other ages ago. No, it can't be true."
"Look at me Susanne." Tess held Susanne's arms.
The warm loving light that surrounded Tess made Susanne gasp. "You are an angel!"
"Yes I am."
The love and tenderness in Tess' voice made Susanne weep. Tess swept her up in her arms and gently rocked her as she wept.
Finally, after a long time, Susanne ran out of tears. She leaned back and looked Tess in the eyes. "Does Hanni know?"
Tess shook her head. "No baby, she does not know that I'm an angel, but she most likely has guessed what is happening to her."
More tears appeared in Susanne's eyes. "My baby all alone, dying like that," she sobbed.
Tess put her hand under Susanne's chin so that Susanne had to look Tess in the eyes. "No one dies alone. God is always with you, in life and in death. And He also sends an angel to be with the dying and to bring them Home."
**************************
Susanne's eyes grew wide. "Are you this angel?" she asked, afraid.
Tess smiled and shook her head. "No, I'm not. But he is a very good friend of mine. His name is Andrew. He will be at Hannah's side when the time comes for her to go Home to the Father."
"The Angel of Death?" Susanne guessed carefully.
Tess nodded. "Yes." And when she saw the shock in Susanne's eyes, she added softly, "He is a really nice, gentle guy."
After Susanne digested this information, she asked, "Do ... do you know ... when?"
Tess sighed heavily. "Yes. Andrew told me that he got the call for tomorrow."
Susanne gasped. "No, please!" Fresh tears rolled down her face and Tess took her in her arms again and let her cry.
It was already evening when Hannah woke up. Tess had gone to bring her mother a cup of coffee, and so mother and daughter were alone.
Hannah was ecstatic that everything wasn't just a dream, that her real mother was still sitting in the chair next to her bed.
"Do you know something?"
Susanne shook her head. "What honey?"
"I think it's a miracle. I mean that we found each other. I still don't know who this Andrew guy is, but Mary said he is a special friend of mine."
It was as if Susanne's heart would stop right then. "You ... you know someone called Andrew?" she asked fearfully.
Hannah was totally surprised by her mother's reaction. "No, not really. I just saw him twice. But I liked him. He has gentle, compassionate eyes. Mary told me that he gave her the tip to show your picture to George, that he would know you and could help to find you. And then he just dropped in to say hello. I asked him how he could have known this, but he said that he had special connections and that I would find out about them soon. That's all. I wouldn't say that I KNOW him. But he looked so familiar to me. Mary said that he often visits some people here and that I probably have seen him on the floor."
Susanne still needed to recover from the shock. Something told her that this was the same Andrew that Tess had talked about. That he was the Angel of Death.
At that moment, Tess came back with a cup of coffee. When she saw how pale Susanne looked, she went quickly over to her and asked, "What's wrong, baby? What happened?"
But Susanne shook her head slowly and said, "I'm not feeling too well right now. Maybe I should take a little walk outside." This was a little bit much all at once. First, Tess tells her that she is an angel, then she tells her that there is an angel named Andrew who is there for the dying people, that her daughter had only about 24 hours left, and then her daughter tells her that he already visited her.
"That's a good idea, baby. I will stay with Hannah while you are gone," Tess replied companionably and patted Susanne's arm.
When Susanne had left the building, she walked through the nice garden that was around the house. It was almost a park, with lots of beautiful flowers and some benches.
Susanne sat down on one of them and tried to deal with all the news she had just got, when she felt a presence next to her.
"Is this place free?" asked a young blond man in jeans and a T-shirt and with the most compassionate green eyes that Susanne ever had seen.
*****************************
Susanne nodded. "Yes it is."
They sat together for a while in silence before the young man started talking. "It is such a beautiful, restful place this, don't you think?"
Susanne had to agree, the turmoil she had felt inside her heart had eased considerably by sitting out there in the garden.
The young man turned to Susanne. "You must excuse me for disturbing you, but I couldn't help noticing that you look worried about something. Do you have a relative in the hospice?"
"Yes, yes I have. My daughter is dying there and I don't know how to help her." Susanne was surprised over her frankness towards this stranger.
"It must be hard for you." The compassion in his voice made Susanne weep.
The man put his arm around her and gently held her as she cried against his shoulder. When finally she was empty of tears she told him the whole story; how she had lost her daughter when she was very young and now when she finally had found her again her daughter was dying. She even told him about that Angel of Death she had heard of. How Tess had assured her that that angel was kind and compassionate. But how could that be when he took people away from their loved ones?
The man sat very patiently and listened to all that Susanne had to say. Then he turned so that he was facing her. "Susanne, God loves you and He loves Hannah too, very much. God knows what pain you have gone through and He knows what you are going through right now. Do you remember when Hannah was three years old? She had a high temperature and you thought she was delirious. She kept talking about the 'nice man'. Do you remember?"
Susanne's eyes grew wide. "H..how do you know this?" She withdrew from his embrace in fear. What was going on?
"Don't be afraid, Susanne. I am an angel sent by God." With that the warm light she had seen round Tess was shining round this man too, filling her with love and comfort. "God gave you this day here on earth together with your daughter, not so that you could spend it away from her pondering over life's injustice but so that you could get to know each other again. I know that you think one day is not enough, but it is and one day you will have all the time there is to be together."
"But not now!" Susanne felt ashamed over the vehemence she showed in those three little words.
The angel only smiled as if he understood. "The time you spend together with Hannah today, will always be in your heart. You will always carry a piece of Hannah with you, just as she will always have a piece of you with her. God is not taking your daughter away from you. He gave you life so that you could live long and happily on this earth, but this is an imperfect place and your daughter is dying of a disease. Not something brought on by God, but something brought on by imperfection. Twenty-five years ago I sat by your daughter's side doing my best to encourage her to live. Tomorrow when the time comes, I will gladly help her Home to God where there is no more pain and where she at last can find rest and peace."
Susanne recoiled even further. "You are Andrew!"
"Yes, I am." He placed his hand under Susanne's chin, lifting her head so that she looked into his eyes. "I am the Angel of Death, yes, but I don't take lives, I just help people through. Now that you have seen me, can you really say that I am so terrible?"
Susanne had to shake her head. "No, no you are not. I'm sorry. I guess I'm confused." A thought struck her. "That's the reason why Hanni thinks you look familiar. She has seen you before!"
"Yes, Susanne, she has, but she was too young to remember. Are you ready to go in and spend the rest of the time together with her?"
"Yes, yes I suppose I am. How long?"
"All I know is that it will happen some time tomorrow. I'm just an angel Susanne. Only God knows everything." Andrew smiled at her and this time Susanne let him hug her.
Susanne started to walk back to the building, after Andrew released her. She stopped and turned around when she felt that he didn't follow her. "Aren't you coming with me?"
Andrew smiled and shook his head. "No, not before I have to. God wants you two to have this time to yourselves."
Susanne nodded with a smile of her own. She liked this angel a lot.
It was almost morning when Susanne and Hannah stopped talking and fell asleep. They had talked a lot about the past years and also about their common past. Hannah told Susanne that she could feel that her time was growing short. Susanne did her best to tell her about that angel, but Hannah fell asleep before she could tell WHO that angel was.
Mary sat in the chapel and prayed for Hannah and her mother. It was shortly after lunch when Mary felt a familiar presence behind her. When she turned around, she looked right into the compassionate face of Andrew. The look on his face told her what was going on.
"It's time?"
Andrew nodded. "Yes, there are only a few minutes left. I thought you would like to be at their sides."
Mary smiled. "Thank you."
As Mary reached Hannah's room, she saw how pale and weak she looked. She greeted her and Susanne with a smile. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine, just a little tired. Maybe I was up a little bit too late last night," Hannah joked, but started suddenly to cough.
Susanne and Mary exchanged concern looks. At that moment, the room was filled with a wonderful warm light. It was as if the Love of God touched everybody's heart.
Hannah, Susanne and Mary looked towards the source of the light. It was Andrew. He wore a beige suit and was surrounded by the light. He smiled compassionately at Hannah who was the only one who didn't know what this all meant. "Andrew?" she asked, surprised and a little bit afraid through the coughing. "What's going on? Where ..."
"Don't be afraid, Hannah," he said gently and walked over to her side. "Do you remember? You have seen me like this many years ago, when you were a little child."
Suddenly she remembered the nice man who had sat at her side when she was three and so sick that everybody thought she would die. "You ... you were the nice man who sat with me and told me that I shouldn't be afraid, that ... that God wants me to live and that He loves me."
Andrew nodded with a smile. "Yes, it was me. Do you remember what else I told you?"
"Yeah, you told me that ... that you were an angel," Hannah got weaker with every new cough attack.
"Yes, I am. I am an angel, sent by God to bring you Home to him today," Andrew told her gently and took her hand. He stroked her arm softly as he continued with a big smile, "Don't be afraid Hannah, I promise you that you never before have seen anythingas beautiful as that which is waiting for you right now."
Strangely, Hannah felt her fear vanish the very moment that Andrew took her hand. All she could feel right now was peace and love. She turned her head to Susanne and Mary. Susanne cried and Mary held her in her arms to comfort her and give her strength. "Mom? I love you and I thank God that we found each other," her voice was already not more than a whisper.
"I love you too honey. I only wish we had had more time," Susanne told her daughter through her tears.
"I promise you two that you will see each other one day again and then you will have all eternity together," Andrew told them with a convincing voice. And then his attention went back to Hannah, who was already almost not responsive. "Are you ready to meet Someone?" he asked softly and stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers.
Hannah nodded slowly and then closed her eyes.
*********************
When Andrew and Hannah had left, the room suddenly turned dark and cold. Mary, who had experienced this once before, embraced Susanne. She held Susanne in her arms for a long time. It was not until Tess came in the room with mugs of coffee for Mary and Susanne that they broke apart.
Tess opened the curtains, letting the sun into the room. At the sight of her lifeless daughter, Susanne once againburst into tears. This time both Tess and Mary were there to embrace her.
Mary knew from her own experience how hard the following time would be for Susanne. All the different things she had to do that society required of her, left little time, if any, for Susanne to sit down and really grasp what had happened. Mary was there with her all the way. Then after the funeral the cold bleak everyday hit. Mary was there, supporting and helping. Susanne also got help from the very people she was trying to help. The whole halfway house stood up for Susanne, supporting her through her grief.
Mary continued to work at the hospice, but she stopped by Susanne's place on her way to work and on her way home. A deep friendship grew between the two women.
A year went by. Mary found that her work at the hospice had become more complex. Primarily she was there for the patients, and she gave them all that she could, but she also took her time with the relatives, helping them through disease, death and grieving. Now on the day a year after Hannah's death the two women, Mary and Susanne, stood in front of three graves: Tracy's, Neil's, and Hannah's. They stood in silence a long time, each in her own thoughts, and then Susanne turned to Mary.
"I've never really said this, Mary. Thank you for everything. I don't think I could ever have made it without you."
Mary embraced her friend. "And I wouldn't have made it without you."
A few steps away, unseen by the two women, Tess and Andrew watched with approval. Andrew turned towards Tess with a smile. "They are going to be just fine Tess, just fine."
Tess smiled. "Yes Angel Boy, they are, and the good news is that they are going to help lots of other people through grief and difficulty."
The End
by Anna Hulterstroem and Grit Kaerst
Mary was nervous and Paul had known her long enough to recognize the symptoms.
"Honey, do you really think this is such a good idea? I mean you used to be perfectly happy staying at home. The house needs you, I need you, so why chase after this?"
Mary stopped and stared at her husband. "You know why Paul. This is something I just have to do. We've been over this several times now and nothing you say can make me change my mind."
Paul took Mary's hand. "I know dear, I just wanted you to be sure that's all. I just saw how nervous you are, and ... You know I love you."
"I know dear." Mary bent down and kissed her husband's pate. "I must rush, or I'll be late on my first day."
With those words Mary picked up her bag and was out of the door. She had an hour's drive in front of her, longer if she got stuck in the rush-hour traffic, but she felt it was worth it.
Nevertheless, she felt a little apprehensive when she walked up the steps leading to the very same hospice where her daughter, Tracy, had died only a few months ago. Her uneasiness stopped the moment she opened the door and stepped into the warm and friendly atmosphere of the hospice.
George, the manager, saw her and came over to greet her. "Welcome Mary. We are all very happy that you want to help us."
Mary took his outstretched hand and then she let herself be led down the hall to the common room.
A lot had happened during the few months she had been away. Most of the patients she had seen when Tracy was ill, were now dead and new people awaited her acquaintance. There was especially one that she noticed. He was so young, hardly older than a boy. She asked George about him.
"Oh, that is Neil. He is seventeen, but he looks younger. He has AIDS. The real sad thing is that he has no family. Both his mother and father have already died of the disease. He could really need someone who cared a little extra about him. He is somewhat reserved though. There are not many that he opens up to."
"Well, I can understand that. It can't be easy growing up with such a disease, and then on top of it all watch your parents die of the same disease." Mary stared thoughtfully at the young man. At that moment she longed to see Andrew again, so she could ask him about Neil and his parents.
****************
But he was nowhere in sight. Mary stepped into the room of the young man. He looked up, curious as to who was visiting him.
Mary smiled at him as he looked up with a questioning face. "Hi, I'm Mary."
"Hi, I'm Neil," the young man answered weakly. Mary didn't need any special education to see that he hadn't much time left. "Are you a new nurse?"
Mary relaxed and sat down next to his bed as Neil smiled a friendly smile at her. "No, not really. This is my first day here. I'm not really a nurse, but I try to help the patients by visiting them, talking with them or just listening," Mary answered a little bit nervously. She wasn't sure how he would react. She knew, from what Tracy had told her, that some patients could get very angry because of such comments, because they didn't want anyone to feel pity for them.
But Neil was different. He didn't seem to get angry, but he got really sad. His smile vanished from his face. "So, George told you that I don't get any visitors?!" It was more a statement than a question.
Mary nodded sadly, "Yes, he told me. He seems to be a really nice guy."
The smile on Neil's face returned. "Yes, he is. He often comes and talks with me, like ..." His voice trailed off in the middle of the sentence.
"Like who?" Mary asked, surprised, after Neil didn't continue.
Neil sighed."Well, there is someone who visits me from time to time. I met him for the first time shortly after my parents died and somehow he shows up every time
I feel I need a friend. I've known him a few years now, but I have no clue where he comes from or anything. But it never really mattered to me, since he is a really nice guy."
"You mean, you don't know who he is?"
Neil shook his head. "No, all I know is that his name is Andrew and that he always knows when I'm in trouble."
Mary needed a moment to recover from the shock. Was the stranger the same Andrew that she knew? "Did you ask him?"
"Yes, he told me that he was a friend of my mom and that she asked him to keep an eye on me."
After Neil fell asleep, Mary stood up and walked out of the room. When she came around the next corner, she ran straight into someone. As she looked up at the person she had run into, she recognized him. It was Andrew.
******************
"Andrew! What are you doing here?" The question was out before she realized whom she was talking to. "Is it time, is someone... are you here officially?"
Andrew smiled. He understood her embarrassment. "No, nobody is going to die right now, but I am here to see Neil. I understand that you have seen him too?"
"Yes, I have. He told me about you, but he says he doesn't know who you are, apart from your name."
"No, I rarely tell people until I really have to. I know only too well how people react to who I am." Andrew took Mary's arm and together they began walking towards Neil's room.
"Yes ... yes, I can appreciate that, but Tracy knew!" Mary didn't quite know what to think.
"Yes, Tracy got to know me through someone who knew who I was, and he knew because he had got to know me from someone who knew. It's a long story. Tracy is very proud of you by the way." Andrew looked amused.
They had come to Neil's door. "Will you come in with me?" Andrew asked.
Neil's eyes grew huge when Mary came in together with his friend Andrew. It looked as if they knew each other very well. "Andrew, Mary! You two know each other?"
Andrew laughed. "Yes Neil we do, but Mary didn't know that I knew you."
******************
Neil nodded and joked, "Isn't it interesting how small the world is?"
Mary looked at Andrew, and he at her, and both had to laugh too. "Yes it is. You never know who you will meet."
Mary and Andrew both took a chair next to Neil's bed and Andrew asked him, "It's a long time since we saw each other. How are you doing my friend?"
Neil smiled at him. "It isn't sooooo long ago. You remember that you were here last week? Well, maybe you're starting to get old," Neil joked. He had known Andrew a long time now and they had both started this play with words many years ago, when Neil was a little boy.
Andrew laughed. "Believe me, you have NO idea HOW OLD I am."
Andrew and Mary stayed for the next half-hour until Neil started to get tired and told them that he needed a little nap. They talked a lot. Mary told him how she met Andrew, without telling him who he really was, and she told Neil why she had started this work. Neil told Mary about his parents and how Andrew had helped him through the time after their death. But Mary noticed that he never spoke about his own death and she got the feeling that he was trying to avoid that theme as if he could deny that it was going to happen. She attempted a few times to broach the subject but Neil used every chance to change the topic. Mary decided to talk with Andrew about it; maybe Neil talked with him about it.
After Neil fell asleep, Mary and Andrew stood up and silently walked out of the room.
**************************
They continued to walk in silence until they reached the room that served as a chapel. The moment they were through the doors and Mary could see that they were alone she turned to Andrew. "He knows he is dying, doesn't he? Does he ever talk to you about it?"
Andrew looked sadly at Mary. "Oh, he knows he is dying - deep down - but he does his best to deny it."
"Is there anything I can do? I mean, he needs to be able to accept it, doesn't he?" Mary searched Andrew's face for the answer.
"He will need your help Mary. Even though he knows me as a friend, it will be hard for him when the time comes if he doesn't accept what is about to happen." Andrew placed a hand on Mary's shoulder.
Mary remembered that Tracy once had told her that Andrew felt deeply for every soul that he helped and that taking children home was the hardest of all. 'It must be very difficult for him to see Neil like this,' she thought.
"How long does he have?" she asked.
"I don't know yet, Mary, but I can see that there's not that much time left," Andrew sighed.
Andrew and Mary sat together a while longer. Mary found it strangely comforting to sit beside the angel. She had had the same feeling when Tracy was ill, but she marveled at it every time. She bowed her head and said a prayer for Neil and that she would be able to help. When she looked up again Andrew was gone. She looked up and smiled and said a silent 'thank You.'
The rest of the day went by without anything special happening.
When she got home she found Paul in the kitchen preparing dinner. "How did your first day go?" he greeted her.
She told him about Neil and Andrew, and she told him that she intended to be with Neil as she had been with Tracy.
Paul put his arm around her. "I expected nothing less from you. I know that you always give with your whole heart."
The next morning dawned and Mary was early at the hospice. Neil still slept, like most of the other patients.
Mary used the time to talk with George. Neil said that he often visited him. She found George in the common room. He was alone and Mary walked over to him.
"Good morning!" he greeted her. "So early?"
Mary smiled. "Good morning. Yes, I couldn't sleep last night. I thought a lot about Neil. He is a really nice guy."
George walked, with a cup of coffee in his hand, over to the table and sat down. Mary did the same. "Yes, he is. I liked him from the first moment he moved in here."
"He told me that you often visit him," Mary began. "I visited him a couple of times yesterday and I like him, but I got the feeling that he didn't want to speak about what's going to happen. I was wondering if maybe he talked to you about it."
George sighed and shook his head. " He has spoken to me once or twice, about it, but he changed the subject as soon as possible."
"What did he tell you?"
"Not much, only that he remembered how his parents died and that he didn't want to die like that. And that he was afraid of dying alone in the night with no one around him."
Mary's heart went out to the boy. "How did his parents die?"
"His mom had pneumonia and she had a lot of breathing problems because of this. Her death was really slow and painful for her."
"I'm sorry to hear this!"
When George looked at his watch, he noticed that it was time to serve breakfast to the patients.
Both George and Mary stood up and started with their work.
******************
Mary took one tray and went to Neil with his breakfast. Neil was awake but only just. "I'm not hungry Mary. Can't you just give it to someone else, please."
"You need to eat, Neil. I'll stay here with you and help you." Mary was adamant.
"I'm no baby. Just go away," Neil countered.
"I know you aren't, but I remember that Tracy needed help sometimes; besides, a little company makes things easier," Mary continued.
Reluctantly Neil had to admit that some coffee and toast would probably go down. And he did appreciate the company. "Tell me more about Tracy, please," he asked.
"Tracy was my daughter. She decided to be a nurse, against her daddy's and my wishes. Then she started to work here. Neither of us wanted that for our girl. There were some rather heated arguments. Neither of us wanted to hear why she wanted to work here. Tracy left and we told her that she could never come back unless she said she was sorry and was willing to change. She returned a year later, together with Andrew, and I sent them away. It was a friend of Andrew's who told us that Tracy had something very important to tell us and that we had to listen to her. So we went to her apartment and there we learned that she had a form of leukemia. It was incurable but slow. It was the leukemia that made her decide to come to work here. She thought that being around dying patients would make it easier for her when it was her time. The day she came to us with Andrew, she came to tell us that she was sick and that the disease was progressing faster than expected."
"Were Tracy and Andrew married?" Neil broke in.
"No, they were just good friends. Just like you and Andrew are good friends. She actually met him here at the hospice. He was here visiting another friend, Roger. No, Andrew came along as support, since Tracy was nervous about how we were going to react. Tracy worked here right up till the last weeks. Then she had to become a patient herself. I spent just about all the time I had with her and that's when I saw what a visit can mean." Mary paused, then continued, "Would you like me to stay with you as I stayed with Tracy?"
Neil got tears in his eyes. "Would you do that for me? Why?"
"Because when I see you, I see my daughter. I very nearly let her die alone. I would like to stay with you, please," Mary pleaded, unsure how the boy would react.
"I am dying aren't I? You know, that's what I've been most afraid of, dying alone, and I've been too scared to ask anyone. I just was afraid I would be rejected and feel more alone than ever."
Mary just wanted to take the boy in her arms and rock him like a baby. Instead she took his hands. "I promise that you will not be alone."
*****************
"You can't promise me that! What if it happens during the night, when you are at home, sleeping?"
Mary could see how new fear appeared in the boy's eyes. "This won't happen, I will be by your side even if it is in the middle of the night and so will God," Mary told him gently. She was sure that Andrew would tell her if he had to take Neil Home, like he told her with Tracy.
"Don't talk to me about God! Like I already told Andrew, I don't want to have anything to do with Him," Neil replied angrily. "I used to believe in Him and asked Him to save my mom and my dad, but He didn't, instead I got this terrible disease too! There can't be a God!"
Mary sadly shook her head. "Neil, I understand that you are angry with Him. It's more than understandable, but believe me when I tell you that He didn't give you AIDS, just as He didn't give the leukemia to Tracy. I thought this at first too, that it was a punishment or something like that, but it isn't. He loves you Neil, just as He loves your parents."
"Why did they have to die? Why do I have to die then? He could prevent it, but why doesn't He do it?"
"I don't know Neil, it's something that you have to ask Him. All I know is that He has a plan and that we should trust Him. You see, death isn't as scary as most people think. I know, through my experience with Tracy, that there is an angel at every dying person's side when the time comes. And that angel is a really nice guy. Nobody is alone in death. I promise you!" Mary looked deep into Neil's eyes to make sure that he understood that she really meant what she said.
"You are talking about the Angel of Death? Are you telling me that you know him?" Neil asked skeptically.
Mary nodded with a smile. "Yes."
At that moment, Andrew entered the room and Neil forgot to ask her more about that angel. "Good morning you two!" Andrew greeted both.
Neil and Mary greeted him back with a smile of their own.
"Two visits in two days? Am I in trouble and don't know it?" Neil joked.
Andrew laughed. "No, I was just in the vicinity and I thought I would pay a short visit and say hello to you two."
****************
Andrew grabbed a chair and sat down next to Neil's bed. "So what were you two talking about when I came in?"
"Oh, nothing special. Mary is trying to convince me that there is a God and that there is an Angel of Death." Neil did his best to sound flippant.
"Well there are, you know I've told you that before. God loves you so much, Neil, and it breaks His heart to see you go through this. The Angel of Death loves you too and would do anything to help you out of this, if only he could." Andrew took Neil's hand and looked him in the eyes.
"What is it with you people, neither one of you can promise anything and neither one of you knows what happens when you take the great plunge." Neil was beginning to sound irritated and he snapped his hand back from Andrew.
Andrew stood up. "Yes we can Neil. Mary can because she knows what happened when Tracy died and because she knows who I am." A warm loving light suddenly surrounded Andrew. "I am an angel, Neil. It was I who took Tracy Home to God, just as I brought your parents Home. I'm the Angel of Death."
Neil gaped at the light. Then the old resentment came back. "So you pretended to be my friend, just so you could gloat more at my fear."
Mary was upset by this and was just going to make a move, when Andrew put out a calming hand. "Neil, we've been friends for a long time now. Can you look me in the eyes and say that that is what you truly believe?"
Neil lifted his eyes and looked Andrew in the eyes, then hung his head. "No, I can't. You have always been there for me when I needed a friend. I guess you are my best friend."
Andrew smiled and once again took Neil's hand. "I am your friend, but it's God who is your very best friend."
Neil searched Andrew's face. He had been hit by a thought and now he needed an answer. "You have known me all these years without telling me who you are, and now you tell me. I'm going to die soon, aren't I?"
Andrew's face turned sad as he nodded. "Yes my friend, I wish I had a different answer to your question, but yes, you are going to die soon. Just believe me when I say to you that death is nothing to fear and I too promise that you will not be alone. I promise that Mary will know, so that she can be with you, and I will be with you too. When Mary can't go with you any longer, then I will be there to take you the rest of the way. And God is also with you all the way." Those words made Andrew smile again.
Neil did his best to digest what he had just learned, but right now it was all just swirling around in his head. "Can you two leave me alone for a while? I really need some time alone to think about this." He lifted his head and looked pleadingly at Mary and Andrew.
Andrew and Mary glanced at each other. "Sure buddy, we understand," Andrew said and patted Neil's knee.
After Andrew and Mary left the room, Neil sighed heavily. This was all a little bit too much to understand at once. The man he had known since his childhood was an angel, or better THE Angel of Death, and Mary had known about him the whole time. Not forgetting that the angel just told him that he really had to die soon. His whole life, he had tried to deny this for himself and now ... .
Neil sat in his bed, thinking, for almost an hour. Tears appeared in Neil's eyes, as he finally folded his hands and prayed, for the first time since his parents died. "Dear God, it's me, Neil. I ... I don't know what to say first. Maybe it's a good idea to start with an apology. God, I'm so sorry. My whole life I was so angry with you. I thought you were punishing me for something and that this was the reason why my parents died and why I got this disease too. And just a few minutes ago, Andrew told me that he is one of Your angels and that You love me. I see now that You tried to help me by sending me a friend like Andrew and now Mary, but I never realized it. I'm so sorry for that. Please forgive me," Neil sighed and pushed his tears away. It had been a long time now since he had felt so good. A strange peace filled him. A peace that he never before had experienced. With a smile directed heavenwards, he added, "Thank you! I would be lying if I told You that I'm not afraid of dying anymore, but it helps to know that my friends will be around me. You, Andrew and Mary."
In the meantime in the common room, Mary and Andrew sat at a table, each of them with a cup of coffee in their hands. "Do you know how long Neil has?" Mary asked carefully.
Andrew shook his head. "No, not yet. But I think it won't be long now." When Andrew saw how Mary's lips trembled, he took her hand in his and asked gently, "Hey, everything okay?"
Mary could tell by the look in his eyes that he already knew the answer and wouldn't accept a 'yes'. "No, not really."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Mary nodded. "It ... it's just so hard Andrew. I see Neil and ..."
"... and he reminds you of Tracy. Right?"
"Yeah, I know that he has to go, I knew it from the moment that I entered this building. I knew that every patient here has to go, but it's still hard to face when it really happens or at least when there's not much time until it happens. I ask myself if it really was a good idea to work here. I'm not sure if I can get used to losing new friends."
Andrew could see how deeply Mary cared for the patients, especially Neil. His heart went out to the woman in front of him. With his most compassionate look he responded, "Mary, firstly ... DON'T EVER get used to losing someone! Please, it's important. I don't get used to this either and it's best that way, because we would also lose the compassion and love that's so important in our jobs. And secondly: Yes, it was the right decision, believe me. You are doing a really good job. You help the people who come in here a lot! Death is the most frightening thing in humans' lives. And every patient here KNOWS that there isn't much time for him or her here on earth. Some of them are at peace with God, themselves, their families and friends, but there are also so many--most of them-- like Neil, who are frightened and scared. They need you, like they needed Tracy. You see, people here need someone who can help them to face what's going to happen. No matter how strong their faiths are, most of them GET scared when time grows short. Mary, God gave you a special gift, you KNOW more about what death really is than anyone else here." Andrew smiled cheerfully at Mary and patted her hand gently.
Mary smiled back at Andrew. "Thank you, for reminding me of WHY I started with all this."
****************
Andrew seemed to be listening to something. He brought out his pocket watch and looked at it. He hurriedly stood up. "I've got to go Mary, maybe you would like to come with me? I don't think you have had much to do with Leroy, but I think he will appreciate having someone else besides me there right now."
Mary nodded and accepted Andrew's hand to help her up. "Yes, I'll come."
It was a short walk to Leroy's room, but it seemed very long to Mary. It felt so strange to walk with the Angel of Death to a room where a living man was soon going to die. "Andrew, doesn't all this pain and grief ever get to you?"
Andrew turned and looked deep into Mary's eyes. "Of course it does. Every time. But the joy afterwards more than compensates for the pain and grief." He smiled as he uttered the last words.
Mary was thoughtful when she came home and Paul respected her mood, but when she still was silent as they went to bed he just had to ask her what was going on. Mary tried the best she could to put into words what she had experienced that day. The outer events were not difficult to describe, but it was much harder with her feelings about it. Paul listened patiently and then he put his arms around her. "I love you so much Mary, and I agree with Andrew, you really will make all the difference to these people. If you ever need my help never hesitate to ask, you know that."
Mary smiled and kissed her husband. "Yes, love, I know and I promise I will tell you."
Mary needed Paul's help sooner than either one of them had thought. Because the following day one of the other patients, Hannah, who until now had been quiet and reserved, decided to talk to Mary. It turned out that Hannah had been placed in a foster home when she was five years old. Now all she could think of was her mother, whether she was alive and where she was. Mary promised to help Hannah find her mother. When Andrew appeared in the hallway, Mary took the opportunity to ask him if Hannah's mother was still alive. Andrew could assure her that the mother was still alive. He could also assure her that Neil still had some time left. Mary spent a lot of time with Neil that day, but also with Hannah who, now that her guard was down, wanted to talk. Mary phoned Paul at his work and told him about Hannah, and Paul, true to his word, came round to talk to Hannah to get the information that he could.
********************
"Hello Hannah, I want to introduce you to my husband Paul," Mary greeted Hannah as she walked into her room with a stranger at her side.
"Hi," Paul greeted her with a smile and Hannah shyly smiled back. "Mary told me that you would like to find your mother," Paul continued when he walked to the side of Hannah's bed and sat down in the chair that was standing there.
Hannah nodded. "Yes, but I ... I think it's impossible. I'm sure she is already dead."
"Maybe and maybe not. I think it's worth it to try to find her," Paul replied gently. Mary already told him that Andrew had assured her that Hannah's mother was still alive. "What can you tell me about her? And remember, EVERYTHING that you can say could be helpful."
"Well, I don't know much about her, only that her name is Susanne and that she was a singer. Ah, I have an old photo of her in my wallet. Wait!" Hannah started to search in her bedside table. It didn't take long until she gave a small paper to Paul.
When he looked at it, he saw that it was an old black/white photo of a beautiful woman with long blond hair. On her lap sat a small girl that seemed to be about 3 years old. "It's the only thing I have or know from her. I'm sorry, I already said that I'm sure it's impossible to find her."
Mary noticed a familiar presence at the door. She looked up and saw Andrew. The look in his eyes told her that he wanted to talk to her. Mary stood up and walked to the door.
"What's wrong?" she asked the angel with worry in her voice.
"I just got the word that you two haven't much time to find Hannah's mother," Andrew answered with sorrow.
Mary turned pale. "How much time do we have?"
"Three days. I'm sorry Mary, I wish I had other news for you."
******************
"What we need then is a miracle," Mary said with determination.
Andrew smiled. "Miracles happen all the time. Show George the photo."
With that Andrew left and Mary returned to her husband's side. Hannah had not been able to give any more information, but Paul had done his best to give the young woman hope nevertheless. Now that Mary had returned Paul stood up. He patted Hannah's hand and said, "God has performed miracles before, Hannah, don't give up hope."
Hannah nodded and then turned her head towards Mary. "Mary, who were you talking to in the hall? He looked so familiar."
Mary felt as if a cold hand was gripping her. "His name is Andrew and you have probably seen him here. He visits this place quite often." She did her best to sound cheerful.
As Paul and Mary walked down the hall Mary told her husband what Andrew had said. It was Paul who first spotted George. "Let's try this miracle shall we?" he said with a twinkle in his eyes.
George saw the two coming towards him. "So Mary's talked you into volunteering as well, has she?" he greeted them.
Paul smiled. "You could say that. One of the patients opened her heart to Mary today, and it turned out that I might be able to solve the girl's problem."
"What on earth could that be?" George looked confused. As far as he knew, none of his patients were in dire need of Paul's rather expensive legal help.
"Hannah needs help to find her mother," Mary filled in.
"Hannah, but Hannah's mother visits her almost every day." George was baffled.
"Hannah told us that she was put in foster care when she was just a small child. Now she wants to meet with her real mother before she dies," Mary told him.
"By the way, this is a photograph of the two together before they were separated." Paul held out the photo for George to see.
George took the photo and looked carefully at it. "But this is Susanne Wycliffe. I didn't know she had a
daughter!"
Paul and Mary glanced at each other. "You know her?" Paul asked.
"Why yes. She was a patient at a drug rehab I used to work at. Got herself clean too."
"When, where, what?" Paul was so excited that he almost stuttered.
"Right across town. She should still be in town. She got a job at a halfway house when she was clean. The Brook House halfway house."
**************
Paul thanked George and set off to the house that George had spoken of.
Mary in the meantime told Hannah that George knew her mother and that Paul had driven away to find her.
"But how? How did you know that George would know her? I mean, how big is the chance that this was just a coincidence?"
Mary smiled as she sat at Hannah's bed-side and saw the joy and disbelief in her eyes. "Well, let's say you have a special friend with special connections."
At that moment, there was a knock at the door and when Hannah looked to the door, she recognized the man that had spoken to Mary that morning. With a questioning look on her face, she asked Mary, "Is he the special friend?"
Mary nodded with a smile at Andrew. "Yes."
"Hello Hannah," Andrew greeted her with a friendly smile. "My name is Andrew," he continued as he walked over at Mary's side.
"Hi," Hannah quietly greeted back with a thin smile. He looked so familiar, but she couldn't remember where she had seen him before. Maybe Mary was right and she had seen him on the floor when he visited someone. "So, you were the one who told Mary that she should ask George?"
Andrew nodded silently.
Hannah looked bewildered. "But ... HOW ... ?"
Andrew laughed softly. "Like Mary already told you ... I have some special connections. But I promise you, you will find out about them soon."
Before Hannah could say anything in response, there was a new knock on the door. It was Paul and his expression told them that he hadn't good news.
Mary was the first who found the strength to ask, "What's wrong, Paul?"
"I was there and rang the door bell, but nobody opened. A neighbour, who came home from shopping, told me that the people who lived there were visiting some family members and wouldn't be back for 3 days. I showed him the picture and he said that Susanne was with them on the trip."
When Mary heard that it would take 3 days until they would come back, she remembered what Andrew had told her a few hours ago, that Hannah only had three days left. One look into his eyes told her that time could run short.
It was Paul who regained his composure the fastest. He had after all had time to think about the problem on his way back to the hospice. With a look at Andrew he offered his suggestion. "Andrew, do you think that Tess could help us with this? She is after all an expert on reuniting families." The last was said with a twinkle in his eye.
Andrew looked at first a little surprised, but when he had thought about it for a split second or so he found it to be a good idea. "Sure, why not. I'll go and ask her right away."
Hannah made big eyes when an ample woman with a dark complexion entered her room scarcely fifteen minutes after Andrew had made his 'call'. Everybody in the room greeted her with a smile and called her Tess.
"So, what is the problem, Andrew?" Tess said after having said a special hello to Hannah.
"Well, Tess, Hannah wants to find her real mother. We know her name, it's Susanne Wycliffe and we know she lives at the Brook House halfway house. Paul was just there, but it seems that the entire house is out of town visiting some relatives," Andrew answered her.
"Well, babies, you did just right to turn to old Tess. I happen to know where they are. It is not far and I can get her here tomorrow. Will that be okay?" The last question was asked with a glance at Andrew, who surreptitiously nodded his head.
Hannah was bewildered, happy, and tired. The others saw how tired she looked so they hastily wished her sweet dreams and left.
Mary went to see Neil. He was deteriorating so fast that she could see the changes in him from one hour to the next. He was now so weak that he slept most of the time. She went out to get herself some coffee. Outside Neil's door she ran into Andrew. She saw his sad expression and she knew what he was going to say before he had said it.
"Mary, you had better stay here with Neil tonight."
"So it's really going to happen tonight then?" Mary's eyes searched Andrew for a glimmer of hope, even though she knew that it was irrevocable.
Paul had already left the building, so Mary had to phone him on his cell phone to tell him that she needed to spend the night with Neil. Paul knew about the promise Mary had given him. He wasn't too happy about it. It would open the wound in Mary's heart again. One child after another dead. But Paul also knew that Mary was stubborn and she that had taken Neil under her wing. Paul sighed and said a prayer for his wife and one for Neil.
*********************
After Mary had spoken with Andrew and got a cup of coffee, she went back to Neil's room. He was still sleeping when she sat down in the chair next to his bed. Neil looked so pale and weak. Mary started to pray for him. She knew that he was going to a beautiful place. Mary knew Andrew too well for her to believe that he was lying when he told her that it's a beautiful place, this other side. But Mary also knew that Neil was still afraid of dying and she asked God to give him the peace that he would need to go without pain.
It was almost 8 p.m. when Neil woke up. When he saw Mary sitting next to him he looked questioningly, but with a smile, at her, "Hey, you are still here? Isn't your shift already over?"
Mary nodded and smiled back. "Yes, but I thought that I would spend some more time here with you today."
A look into Mary's sad eyes told Neil that this wasn't the whole truth. "Mary, you are not good at telling lies. It's not the only reason, isn't it? Andrew talked with you. Right?"
Mary saw that Neil already knew the answer and she also saw his fear of HER answer. "Yes. I met him this afternoon and he ... he told me that it would be a good idea to spend this night with you."
Neil gasped and tears appeared in his eyes, "You mean ... it ... it will happen tonight?"
Mary took Neil's hand in hers. "Yes. But I promise you that you won't be alone! I will stay with you, holding your hand and so will God. Neil, I know you are afraid, but please believe me there is nothing you have to be afraid of. You know Andrew. Do you really believe he would escort you to something terrible?" Mary asked gently.
Neil shook his head. "No, no, I've known him now for years and he has always been a good friend to me. Mary, I'm not afraid of WHERE I'm going. I'm ... ," Neil sighed heavily, "... I'm more afraid of the HOW."
Mary's heart went out to the boy when she saw his pleading look. But before Mary could say anything in response, the room was filled with a beautiful soft light. Neil and Mary looked, surprised, over towards the door and they looked into the gentle face of the Angel of Death.
Andrew smiled at both of them and spoke softly to Neil, "Don't be afraid of the HOW, Neil." Andrew walked to the other side of the bed and took Neil's other hand. "Neil, I know you are afraid of dying itself since you saw how your mother died. But I promise you it won't happen that way to you. Your mother had pneumonia. It made the transition harder for her," Andrew explained to Neil with a gentle, compassionate voice.
As Andrew started stroke Neil's forehead and pushed some hair back, Neil started to relax a little bit. "How much ... time?"
Andrew smiled. "Not long. But long enough to tell Mary what you have wanted to tell her for a long time," Andrew replied with a twinkle.
"Can you read my mind?" Neil asked, curious.
Andrew laughed and shook his head. "No, I can't but God can. He knows your heart and your mind and He thought that you would need a little push in the right direction."
"What is it? What do you want to tell me?" Mary asked, curious and surprised.
"Mary, I ... I have wanted to tell you this for a REALLY long time. I thank you for your friendship and your help since you started here. And ..." Neil's voice died when he looked at Andrew for some help. But Andrew nodded his head cheerfully.
"Mary, you are more to me than a friend. You are also like a mother to me." It was out. Something he had kept in his mind for a long time now and been afraid of telling her.
Mary started to cry and hugged Neil. "Neil, this is the most beautiful thing that anyone's ever said to me!" And then she said, "I too have wanted to tell you something similar the whole time. Neil, I have started to see and love you as my son."
Neil hugged Mary back and they both stayed that way a long time until Andrew put one hand on Mary's back and his other on Neil's shoulder and gently asked,
"Are you ready my friend?"
Mary cried harder when she felt Andrew's hand and how Neil slowly nodded his head. She whispered in his ear, "I love you my son."
She didn't release him until she felt how his body sagged and he was gone.
*********************
Mary laid Neil's body down and looked up. The light was still there in the room and she turned around. There stood Neil and Andrew. Both of them were smiling. Mary smiled back through the tears.
"We'll meet again. Thank you for everything, mother." Neil's voice reached her loud and clear. Then she was alone in the room.
Mary went to inform the nurse on night duty that Neil had just died. Then she went to the chapel to pray.
It was a tired Mary that turned up in Hannah's room the following morning. Hannah could not help but notice how tired Mary looked. "How are you Mary? You look so tired. Has something happened?"
"Neil died tonight. I stayed up with him, and then I just could not go to sleep," Mary answered.
"N..Neil died? How?" Hannah didn't want to believe what she had just heard.
"Neil was very ill. He had AIDS, you know. His body could no longer hold on. It was his time, Hannah," Mary gently told the young woman.
They both looked up as a friendly "Hello, babies!" was heard from the doorway.
"Tess!" Mary's face lit up. "Welcome, I hope you have good news."
"Better than just news, baby. I have the real thing." Tess was smiling like a Cheshire cat. She stepped through the door to allow a second person to enter.
Hannah stared at the woman that had just entered the room. "Mom? Mommy it is you!" Tears were beginning to flow down her cheeks.
The woman stepped up to the bed and hugged Hannah. "Hannah, I thought I would never see you again. Oh I have missed you so much," she sobbed.
*********************************Hannah and her mother hugged each other for a long time before they released each other. Susanne sat down in the chair next to the bed.
Hannah was still surprised about the events that had just happened. "It's ... it's a miracle! Tess! How did you ...? I mean, ..."
Tess laughed when she saw how the woman reacted. "Well, let's say ... I have some ..."
"Special connections?" Hannah suggested.
Tess nodded with a laugh and said, "We will leave you two alone now. I'm sure you have a lot of things to tell each other."
After Tess and Mary left the room, Hannah's mother was the first one to speak. "Hanni, I'm soooo sorry that I was never at your side. I have tried these last years to find you but the administrative bodies never gave me the name of the family they put you in."
Hannah could see the pain in her mother's eyes. "It's okay Mom, I believe you, just tell me WHY did they do this?"
Susanne sighed heavily. "When I was young, I used to take drugs. Today I can't understand why I did it, but I did it. I had a lot of troubles but I never wanted to give you away. I loved you too much. One day, you came home from a friend and you saw me taking drugs; you begged me to stop it. You told me some things that made me think and change my mind. It's amazing that a five-year old girl can tell you things that make you change your life, but you did it. I decided to go into a rehab. I thought I would give you to a foster home during that time and that I would get you back when I got out, but when the time came and I wanted you back, they told me that this was impossible."
In the meantime in the hall, Tess put a comforting arm around Mary when she saw how bad she looked. "Is everything okay?" she asked gently.
Mary shook her head. "No, not really. Last night was really hard and ... tomorrow isn't going to be better."
Tess gently rubbed Mary's back. "I know. Andrew told me about Neil and what's going to happen to Hannah."
"It's not fair, Tess!!!!" Mary exclaimed before thinking about what she was saying. "I mean, Hannah and Susanne were looking their whole lives for each other and now that they just found each other ... they are going to lose each other again!" Tears flowed down her face. Maybe it was the lack of sleep that made everything look so bad to her right now.
"I know that it seems like that to you, but ... you see, God gave Hannah and Susanne a special gift. They got the chance to talk with each other one last time. A lot of people never get that chance! Come on, let's get you some rest. I'm sure George will allow you to sleep a little bit in the common room after everything that has happened."
George saw that Mary needed some rest and allowed her to lay down on the couch in the common room. Tess waited until Mary fell asleep, which didn't take long, and then she walked out of the room.
Mary slept for the better part of the day and while she slept she felt herself wrapped in a warm comfortable cocoon of love. It reminded her of when she was a child and her mother tucked her in at bedtime. She could not remember any dreams when she woke up, just this warm loving feeling - and a feeling of joy.
Meanwhile Susanne and Tess sat together beside a sleeping Hannah. "You know that she has not much time left?" Tess asked Susanne.
Susanne nodded. "Yes, I can see it. My poor little baby. Why, Tess? Why did this have to happen? I have prayed every single day for us to be united again. And when it finally happened my little baby is going to die. What kind of God would do something like that?"
"A loving one. No, wait till I have finished." Tess held up her hand. "God didn't give Hannah this disease, and it grieves Him so much to see her like this. It was also people that decided to separate you and your daughter. But God heard your prayer, and Hannah's, and gave you both this gift - a chance to meet again on this earth. I know that it will not be for long, but it will be enough."
Susanne stared at Tess. "Who are you Tess, to speak so about God?"
Tess smiled. "I'm an angel, sent by God to tell you that He loves you and your daughter so much and He promises to be with you always, just as your daughter soon will always be with Him."
Susanne backed away. "No, no. God can't love us or Hanni wouldn't be dying and we would have found each other ages ago. No, it can't be true."
"Look at me Susanne." Tess held Susanne's arms.
The warm loving light that surrounded Tess made Susanne gasp. "You are an angel!"
"Yes I am."
The love and tenderness in Tess' voice made Susanne weep. Tess swept her up in her arms and gently rocked her as she wept.
Finally, after a long time, Susanne ran out of tears. She leaned back and looked Tess in the eyes. "Does Hanni know?"
Tess shook her head. "No baby, she does not know that I'm an angel, but she most likely has guessed what is happening to her."
More tears appeared in Susanne's eyes. "My baby all alone, dying like that," she sobbed.
Tess put her hand under Susanne's chin so that Susanne had to look Tess in the eyes. "No one dies alone. God is always with you, in life and in death. And He also sends an angel to be with the dying and to bring them Home."
**************************
Susanne's eyes grew wide. "Are you this angel?" she asked, afraid.
Tess smiled and shook her head. "No, I'm not. But he is a very good friend of mine. His name is Andrew. He will be at Hannah's side when the time comes for her to go Home to the Father."
"The Angel of Death?" Susanne guessed carefully.
Tess nodded. "Yes." And when she saw the shock in Susanne's eyes, she added softly, "He is a really nice, gentle guy."
After Susanne digested this information, she asked, "Do ... do you know ... when?"
Tess sighed heavily. "Yes. Andrew told me that he got the call for tomorrow."
Susanne gasped. "No, please!" Fresh tears rolled down her face and Tess took her in her arms again and let her cry.
It was already evening when Hannah woke up. Tess had gone to bring her mother a cup of coffee, and so mother and daughter were alone.
Hannah was ecstatic that everything wasn't just a dream, that her real mother was still sitting in the chair next to her bed.
"Do you know something?"
Susanne shook her head. "What honey?"
"I think it's a miracle. I mean that we found each other. I still don't know who this Andrew guy is, but Mary said he is a special friend of mine."
It was as if Susanne's heart would stop right then. "You ... you know someone called Andrew?" she asked fearfully.
Hannah was totally surprised by her mother's reaction. "No, not really. I just saw him twice. But I liked him. He has gentle, compassionate eyes. Mary told me that he gave her the tip to show your picture to George, that he would know you and could help to find you. And then he just dropped in to say hello. I asked him how he could have known this, but he said that he had special connections and that I would find out about them soon. That's all. I wouldn't say that I KNOW him. But he looked so familiar to me. Mary said that he often visits some people here and that I probably have seen him on the floor."
Susanne still needed to recover from the shock. Something told her that this was the same Andrew that Tess had talked about. That he was the Angel of Death.
At that moment, Tess came back with a cup of coffee. When she saw how pale Susanne looked, she went quickly over to her and asked, "What's wrong, baby? What happened?"
But Susanne shook her head slowly and said, "I'm not feeling too well right now. Maybe I should take a little walk outside." This was a little bit much all at once. First, Tess tells her that she is an angel, then she tells her that there is an angel named Andrew who is there for the dying people, that her daughter had only about 24 hours left, and then her daughter tells her that he already visited her.
"That's a good idea, baby. I will stay with Hannah while you are gone," Tess replied companionably and patted Susanne's arm.
When Susanne had left the building, she walked through the nice garden that was around the house. It was almost a park, with lots of beautiful flowers and some benches.
Susanne sat down on one of them and tried to deal with all the news she had just got, when she felt a presence next to her.
"Is this place free?" asked a young blond man in jeans and a T-shirt and with the most compassionate green eyes that Susanne ever had seen.
*****************************
Susanne nodded. "Yes it is."
They sat together for a while in silence before the young man started talking. "It is such a beautiful, restful place this, don't you think?"
Susanne had to agree, the turmoil she had felt inside her heart had eased considerably by sitting out there in the garden.
The young man turned to Susanne. "You must excuse me for disturbing you, but I couldn't help noticing that you look worried about something. Do you have a relative in the hospice?"
"Yes, yes I have. My daughter is dying there and I don't know how to help her." Susanne was surprised over her frankness towards this stranger.
"It must be hard for you." The compassion in his voice made Susanne weep.
The man put his arm around her and gently held her as she cried against his shoulder. When finally she was empty of tears she told him the whole story; how she had lost her daughter when she was very young and now when she finally had found her again her daughter was dying. She even told him about that Angel of Death she had heard of. How Tess had assured her that that angel was kind and compassionate. But how could that be when he took people away from their loved ones?
The man sat very patiently and listened to all that Susanne had to say. Then he turned so that he was facing her. "Susanne, God loves you and He loves Hannah too, very much. God knows what pain you have gone through and He knows what you are going through right now. Do you remember when Hannah was three years old? She had a high temperature and you thought she was delirious. She kept talking about the 'nice man'. Do you remember?"
Susanne's eyes grew wide. "H..how do you know this?" She withdrew from his embrace in fear. What was going on?
"Don't be afraid, Susanne. I am an angel sent by God." With that the warm light she had seen round Tess was shining round this man too, filling her with love and comfort. "God gave you this day here on earth together with your daughter, not so that you could spend it away from her pondering over life's injustice but so that you could get to know each other again. I know that you think one day is not enough, but it is and one day you will have all the time there is to be together."
"But not now!" Susanne felt ashamed over the vehemence she showed in those three little words.
The angel only smiled as if he understood. "The time you spend together with Hannah today, will always be in your heart. You will always carry a piece of Hannah with you, just as she will always have a piece of you with her. God is not taking your daughter away from you. He gave you life so that you could live long and happily on this earth, but this is an imperfect place and your daughter is dying of a disease. Not something brought on by God, but something brought on by imperfection. Twenty-five years ago I sat by your daughter's side doing my best to encourage her to live. Tomorrow when the time comes, I will gladly help her Home to God where there is no more pain and where she at last can find rest and peace."
Susanne recoiled even further. "You are Andrew!"
"Yes, I am." He placed his hand under Susanne's chin, lifting her head so that she looked into his eyes. "I am the Angel of Death, yes, but I don't take lives, I just help people through. Now that you have seen me, can you really say that I am so terrible?"
Susanne had to shake her head. "No, no you are not. I'm sorry. I guess I'm confused." A thought struck her. "That's the reason why Hanni thinks you look familiar. She has seen you before!"
"Yes, Susanne, she has, but she was too young to remember. Are you ready to go in and spend the rest of the time together with her?"
"Yes, yes I suppose I am. How long?"
"All I know is that it will happen some time tomorrow. I'm just an angel Susanne. Only God knows everything." Andrew smiled at her and this time Susanne let him hug her.
Susanne started to walk back to the building, after Andrew released her. She stopped and turned around when she felt that he didn't follow her. "Aren't you coming with me?"
Andrew smiled and shook his head. "No, not before I have to. God wants you two to have this time to yourselves."
Susanne nodded with a smile of her own. She liked this angel a lot.
It was almost morning when Susanne and Hannah stopped talking and fell asleep. They had talked a lot about the past years and also about their common past. Hannah told Susanne that she could feel that her time was growing short. Susanne did her best to tell her about that angel, but Hannah fell asleep before she could tell WHO that angel was.
Mary sat in the chapel and prayed for Hannah and her mother. It was shortly after lunch when Mary felt a familiar presence behind her. When she turned around, she looked right into the compassionate face of Andrew. The look on his face told her what was going on.
"It's time?"
Andrew nodded. "Yes, there are only a few minutes left. I thought you would like to be at their sides."
Mary smiled. "Thank you."
As Mary reached Hannah's room, she saw how pale and weak she looked. She greeted her and Susanne with a smile. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine, just a little tired. Maybe I was up a little bit too late last night," Hannah joked, but started suddenly to cough.
Susanne and Mary exchanged concern looks. At that moment, the room was filled with a wonderful warm light. It was as if the Love of God touched everybody's heart.
Hannah, Susanne and Mary looked towards the source of the light. It was Andrew. He wore a beige suit and was surrounded by the light. He smiled compassionately at Hannah who was the only one who didn't know what this all meant. "Andrew?" she asked, surprised and a little bit afraid through the coughing. "What's going on? Where ..."
"Don't be afraid, Hannah," he said gently and walked over to her side. "Do you remember? You have seen me like this many years ago, when you were a little child."
Suddenly she remembered the nice man who had sat at her side when she was three and so sick that everybody thought she would die. "You ... you were the nice man who sat with me and told me that I shouldn't be afraid, that ... that God wants me to live and that He loves me."
Andrew nodded with a smile. "Yes, it was me. Do you remember what else I told you?"
"Yeah, you told me that ... that you were an angel," Hannah got weaker with every new cough attack.
"Yes, I am. I am an angel, sent by God to bring you Home to him today," Andrew told her gently and took her hand. He stroked her arm softly as he continued with a big smile, "Don't be afraid Hannah, I promise you that you never before have seen anythingas beautiful as that which is waiting for you right now."
Strangely, Hannah felt her fear vanish the very moment that Andrew took her hand. All she could feel right now was peace and love. She turned her head to Susanne and Mary. Susanne cried and Mary held her in her arms to comfort her and give her strength. "Mom? I love you and I thank God that we found each other," her voice was already not more than a whisper.
"I love you too honey. I only wish we had had more time," Susanne told her daughter through her tears.
"I promise you two that you will see each other one day again and then you will have all eternity together," Andrew told them with a convincing voice. And then his attention went back to Hannah, who was already almost not responsive. "Are you ready to meet Someone?" he asked softly and stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers.
Hannah nodded slowly and then closed her eyes.
*********************
When Andrew and Hannah had left, the room suddenly turned dark and cold. Mary, who had experienced this once before, embraced Susanne. She held Susanne in her arms for a long time. It was not until Tess came in the room with mugs of coffee for Mary and Susanne that they broke apart.
Tess opened the curtains, letting the sun into the room. At the sight of her lifeless daughter, Susanne once againburst into tears. This time both Tess and Mary were there to embrace her.
Mary knew from her own experience how hard the following time would be for Susanne. All the different things she had to do that society required of her, left little time, if any, for Susanne to sit down and really grasp what had happened. Mary was there with her all the way. Then after the funeral the cold bleak everyday hit. Mary was there, supporting and helping. Susanne also got help from the very people she was trying to help. The whole halfway house stood up for Susanne, supporting her through her grief.
Mary continued to work at the hospice, but she stopped by Susanne's place on her way to work and on her way home. A deep friendship grew between the two women.
A year went by. Mary found that her work at the hospice had become more complex. Primarily she was there for the patients, and she gave them all that she could, but she also took her time with the relatives, helping them through disease, death and grieving. Now on the day a year after Hannah's death the two women, Mary and Susanne, stood in front of three graves: Tracy's, Neil's, and Hannah's. They stood in silence a long time, each in her own thoughts, and then Susanne turned to Mary.
"I've never really said this, Mary. Thank you for everything. I don't think I could ever have made it without you."
Mary embraced her friend. "And I wouldn't have made it without you."
A few steps away, unseen by the two women, Tess and Andrew watched with approval. Andrew turned towards Tess with a smile. "They are going to be just fine Tess, just fine."
Tess smiled. "Yes Angel Boy, they are, and the good news is that they are going to help lots of other people through grief and difficulty."
The End