Grandmaster

(Just Another Slayers Short Spamfiction Thing)

By Robert Haynie

(There should probably be some sort of disclaimer here.)

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It could be said that there were certain things that Lina Inverse was not fond of.

Being neck deep in mud was one. Being chased by hordes of hacked off townspeople who were unreasonably upset about her having blown up the town with what she considered a rather elegantly cast Dragon Slave was another. Being hungry really was not fun. Being reminded that she didn't have the most fabulous figure in the realms was one that she REALLY didn't care for. Slugs were even farther down on her list.

And we won't go into the little matter of her sister.

But the one thing that Lina Inverse disliked the most was losing.

Which at the moment she was doing with amazing regularity.

Not this time, though. She could see all her opponents plans perfectly. She could see through his devilishly subtle taunts and plots. She could--

"Checkmate."

Lina carefully restrained the impulse to indulge in a nice cathartic Fireball and simply glared at her foe. "Tell me, Gourry, how is it a person who can't remember which side of his pants is the front and who has been known to think a strawberry patch is a cemetery for scarecrows plays chess so damn well?"

Gourry, allowing the insults to pass over his head as though he didn't notice them (Mainly because he didn't), shrugged. "I always played chess. It's good training for a war, and I am a mercenary-- well, I was until I hooked up with you, so I'm an adventurer now, I guess, but that's not important about playing chess, so I--"

Gourry was interrupted by a sudden, somewhat nasal voice that fairly rang out in awe. "Gourry? Gourry Gabriev?"

"Um... yeah? That's me."

"THE Gourry Gabriev?"

"Um... well, I'm the only one I know of, I don't think there's more than one of me... Lina, do you know another me? Because I sure don't..."

Before Gourry-- or for that matter, Lina-- could think to react, a dozen people were clustered around the swordsman. All enthusing like maniacs. (Which Lina thought was entirely possible.)

"Gourry Gabriev! This is SO cool!"

"The Grandmaster here in our own town! We are SO Honored!"

"I read the entire transcript of your match with Harga Thonk! Brilliant ending strategy!"

"Can I be the mother of your child?"

That last nearly floored Lina. Gourry Groupies? Grandmaster? What was going ON? Lina knew she wasn't an expert in chess-- and had assumed that Gourry just played a bit better, which couldn't last for long. But this--

"All Right. Just what in the name of L-sama is going ON here, Gourry?"

"Chess fans. But you usually only find them in university towns-- is this a university town?"

Lina looked across the street at the huge sprawl of buildings that were enclosed by a high, ornate wrought iron fence with the name "Kaslist University" over it. "It's a possibility."

"Then I guess they're chess fans. I suppose I'm supposed to write my name in books now."

Lina boggled. "They ask for your AUTOGRAPH?!?"

"Is that what they are doing?" Gourry flushed, a bit embarrassed. "I thought they were just all really into handwriting analysis or something. My grandmother was, she would get everyone to write their names down and look at them and say things about them. Of course, she was usually wrong, unless they used a pink crayon, then it worked out pretty accurate--"

"Miss, you mean you don't know that Gabriev-sama here is the six year All-Cities chess champion and a listed Grandmaster?"

Jaws do not actually physically hit the floor from a sitting position. It's anatomically impossible. The bone and muscular structures just don't work that way. And of course, Lina knew this.

This didn't help with the slight shock of pain as her jaw fell to the floor.

"He's WHAT?"

"I thought you knew, Lina," said Gourry in mild uncertainty. "I mean, you usually know everything else, so I thought you'd know that too. That's why I leave for two weeks every year, for the tourneys. Didn't you know?"

(I can't see how this could get any weirder... I just cannot see HOW...) Lina thought desperately.

And then a familiar and disliked voice from behind her said, "Which are a week away. And this time, Gourry, I'll win the trophy."

And Gourry smiled, and in almost Lina-like tones, replied, "Well, Xelloss, you can try..."

"Try? You've played against him before?" squeaked Lina.

"Sure. I've beaten him six years running."

"Wait-- we only ran into Xelloss for the first time a couple of years ago-- you mean, you KNEW him already and you didn't tell me? And YOU knew GOURRY and you didn't tell me?" spluttered the red-haired sorceress.

"Why, certainly, Lina-chan," smirked the Mazoku. "Alhough actually it's been nine years-- although I haven't beat him yet, he's only been winning the tourney for six."

"But... Gourry, why didn't you tell me?!?"

"I thought you knew that too. You never asked, anyway. Gee, this is strange. I mean, it's usually me that doesn't know things and you that does know things, and it's kind of wierd."

"I... see. And, Xelloss, why didn't YOU mention it?"

"That... is a secret. Now, Lina-chan, you might as well put that chair down."

Lina snarled at the Mazoku, but complied-- it wouldn't have done any good. She then sat heavily, confused, thinking, (this HAS to be a dream, this HAS to...)

And then Lina woke up.

To the annoying sight of Amelia chirping, "Come on, Lina-san, it's the finals today and Gourry and Xelloss made it again! I still can't believe you didn't know that Gourry was the leading Grandmaster of chess in the world!"

Yes, a dream-- replaying the events of three weeks ago as they had for the last, well, three weeks. She STILL couldn't believe it.

As she trod her way to the reserved booths for guests of the players, a boy looked at her special "Special Guest" badge, and asked, "You know one of the players?"

"yah."

"Really? Who?"

"grry gbrv."

"Who?"

"Gourry Gabriev," she repeated coherently.

"Wow-- you know Gourry? Are you a chess master too? What's your name?"

"Lina Inverse."

"Who?"

"Lina Inverse," she repeated testily.

"Oh-- I've heard of you! You're Gabriev-sama's sidekick!"

Lina's eyes began to widen, until they rivaled softballs for sheer size, and then--

At the moment Xelloss finally figured out an unbeatable move, he was distracted by a feminine scream of rage. Gourry took advantage to note three holes in the Mazoku's defense and went on to his seventh championship...

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Don't ask ME where this came from, although a quote from the old "Rocky and Bullwinkle" show leaps to mind--

"Everybody can do SOMETHING." -- The Narrator.