When I was older
I was a sailor on an open sea
But now I'm underwater
And my skin is paler than it should ever be
I'm on my back again
Dreaming of a time and place
Where you and I remain the best of friends
Even after all this ends
Can we pretend?
It's seeming more and more
Like all we ever do is see how far it bends
Before it breaks in half and then
We bend it back again
Memories burn like a forest fire
when I was older - billie eilish
Chapter 58: Shadowboxing
Brady
"I'm still angry with you."
Her words echoed in my mind days later.
She'd meant them, and I knew she had. Lexi had rarely minced her words, even as a human and I knew that she'd meant what she'd said to me in the woods that day. The hurt in her voice was etched in my memory and it was slowly making me go mad.
I was patrolling with Embry tonight, and he was too busy thinking about his imprint to really be concerned with my troubles. I knew my thoughts were a low buzz in his mind and I could trust him to stay out of my head while I worked this out. We were stationed on one of the hills outside of the tiny town of La Push on a rainy evening almost a week later, pulling a night shift, both of us wallowing. I guess we figured let the happy imprinted couples have their time together while we pulled all the crappy shifts. Quil and Claire were finally a couple now, and Seth and Regan were enjoying the fact that they could finally date each other out in the open without Charlie Swan coming after him. Graduation was the next day, so the happy foursome were of course doing something cutesy and stupid to celebrate, leaving me and Embry to patrol all night.
Not that I cared – I wasn't about to pretend like I had more to do. I'd missed enough work that I'd gotten fired from the city maintenance job I'd gotten after my blowup with my father, and the odd jobs I did here and there were just barely enough to pay my bills. They weren't anything that required thought or dedication – a day's work here and there, mindless tasks to keep me busy. I was just about getting desperate enough to ask Embry for work at the autoshop he owned, but I wasn't quite there yet. I knew enough about cars and engines to get by, but wasn't anywhere as talented with them as he or Jake was. I knew that I'd be deigned to trivial tasks like oil changes and rotating tires all day.
I slid to the ground, my large black paws digging into the mud as I fell into a pathetic heap on the forest floor. Embry stood resolutely a few yards away, his ears turning every few seconds to listen for anything out of the ordinary. It had been quiet recently, and although I shouldn't complain about that, it still bothered me I'd never found the vampire that had killed Lexi. I supposed he'd moved on to ruin someone else's life, but I'd always had a sickened feeling he'd return again someday for whatever reason.
If he comes back, we'll kill him once and for all, Embry thought somberly. He glanced at me. It's the least we can do for her.
It's all I've ever wanted to do for her, I answered. My words sparked something in his head, and he began to think of his deepest desires when it came to his imprint. I caught a flash of his imprint, Sydney's face in his eyes as he watched her doing a variety of things, the little highlight reel flickering in his mind: Sydney wound up with him in the sheets, smiling as he slid an omelet onto her plate for her, his hand as it wove with hers as they walked, and the way her eyes met his as she sat across from him in a café, lifting a cup to her lips. The picture in his head morphed as he pictured what it would be like to grab her hand and take her away from the scene in his head. He pictured ferries, cars, and planes – each one taking them further and further from what I realized was Seattle.
You're leaving? I realized.
He snorted in his mind. No. I wish we were. But no, not leaving.
I watched as the pictures in his mind floated away like mist, leaving his mind draped in the stark reality that was his life: a missing father, a deceased mother, the dumpy little house we shared, and the decades old auto shop he owned and operated. It didn't take genius to realize that he didn't think himself good enough for his imprint, which was ridiculous. Of all the people in life to have been dealt a crappy hand, Embry was the least deserving of them all in my opinion. Calm and collected, he was a man of few words but one that spoke with purpose. He was one for wit, deep thought, and problem solving. He was also one of the most unfailing kind people I'd ever met, and I knew I was undeserving of his patience and support all the years I'd known him. He was older than me by several years, but we'd somehow grown close throughout our time in the pack. Neither of us thought we'd ever imprint, so I could always count on him to be available to hang around or drink with me.
Personally I thought he was giving Sydney far too much leeway when it came to how she treated him.
That's your opinion, he replied snidely. Not everyone just goes and inserts themselves into their imprint's lives, you know.
He thought about how I'd shown up at Lexi's prom, her house, parties where she'd be, etc….it wasn't hard to see that he thought my ways of wooing to be ostentatious and overpowering. I saw in his mind as he compared me to a wrecking ball, where he preferred a different approach.
She's my imprint too, he thought. It works both ways. I know she needs me, and acting like a jackass isn't how I intend to get her. If I get her…
I let out a dissatisfied growl as he tried to picture simply being friends with the tall, sultry beauty that was Sydney. Even though I had an imprint I'd have to be blind not to find Embry's a stunning woman. A stunning woman who had given him a world full of trouble, to be honest.
The tone of his mind got slightly defensive for a moment before backing down, realizing it was just an errant thought. Embry rarely told me how to live my life, and I wasn't about to intrude on his. Not when I was making such a wonderful example on my own. I'd gone to visit my mother before patrol, and while I couldn't give her any details about what was happening with Lexi for her own protection, I'd told her that I didn't plan to stop phasing anytime soon. She'd wearily nodded, questions swirling behind her eyes as I'd sat her down and told her that I'd continue to phase and stay frozen. It was always my plan to retire and age someday, especially after finding Lexi. In on the secret, my mother had been excited to know I'd found my soulmate and had been just as crushed and heartbroken as the rest of the town when she'd gone missing. When things took a turn for the worse, I'd told her what I'd could – that Lexi was no longer in my life and it was a failure I'd been responsible for. The only thing worse than being sad and in the dark was being sad and confused, so I knew I hadn't done my mother any favors when telling her all of this but I couldn't let her go on thinking she'd eventually have a daughter and even grandchildren someday. It had been like ripping off a band aid only to still have a gaping wound beneath it.
I'd left when I'd heard my father's truck roaring up the driveway. I'd kissed my mom's head and slipped out the back. Now here I was, wallowing in my misery and trying to avoid thinking what the rest of my life would look like. Always frozen, always phasing, dutifully following Lexi wherever she went for the rest of eternity. Well, Lexi and her mate, that is. Rosalie's words still rang in my head from the morning on my porch. I'd been so caught up with fighting with her the other day I hadn't even thought to torture myself further by asking about what Rosalie had meant by her words.
"Things didn't end well with you two, but she wishes you nothing but good things. She's…she's moved on."
"What do you mean, 'moved on'?" I demanded, stepping closer to her. "She found someone else? Who is it?"
Great, I thought. Not only would I no longer have her, but I'd be forced to play third wheel to Lexi and whoever her new mate was for the rest of my existence. It would be an end to the physical agony I felt by being separated from her, but it would grant me a new type of pain that was entirely fresh – that of seeing Lexi, happily living with someone else.
Someone who wasn't me.
Misery washed over me in waves as I tried to picture anything but what that might look like. I tortured myself for several more hours as Embry and I dragged through the rest of our watch. At dawn, he finally turned to me with weary eyes.
Just go talk to her, he pleaded. Try to be friends, at the very least. You never know what could happen, Brady. I know everyone gives you shit, but you're a decent guy. I don't think you deserve the misery you've already decided you're going to get. Just go.
I watched him leave, heading back towards the house we shared as I turned a few thoughts over in my head.
Lexi was still pissed at me, and I deserved that – I did. She'd always told me that actions were louder than words, especially when I'd first started coming around. I never thought she'd forgive me for the way I'd wronged Regan when I'd first met her, but she eventually had let me prove myself to her, and continued to do it, even after I'd fucked up. Lexi wasn't one to let actions slide, but she also had never held a grudge if a person was truly sorry, I realized. Could it be possible that she'd forgive me of my wrongdoings if I honestly asked for forgiveness, and then acted deserving of it? I couldn't be sure.
Listening to the pull in my chest, I turned and headed North in the direction of the Cullen house. The early dawn light was filtering through the trees, just barely visible on the horizon as I made my way to the house. It was completely still outside, looking very much the shiny, angular mansion it always was. As I phased and pulled on my baggy sweatpants and sleeveless tshirt, movement in the upstairs hall assured me someone was home. Emmett paused mid-step, his eyes meeting mine through the glass. He was at the front door before I could even take a step. His calculating golden eyes watched as I shuffled up the front steps to the door.
"You look like shit," he grumbled, scanning my form.
"Good morning," I brushed him off, heaving a sigh. "Is she here?"
He shook his head. "Morning hunt," he replied with a shrug. Glancing over his shoulder, he shrugged. "But you can come in."
Stepping past him into the quiet house, I immediately felt out of place with my muddy feet and worn clothes full of holes. Emmett gave me a bit of side eye before motioning me up the stairs, grunting when we hit the top.
"I'm in the middle of a Bond marathon."
I watched him move to the room off the kitchen, where an old Bond movie I couldn't quite place was on with the volume too low for human ears. I settled onto the couch, unsettled slightly by Emmett, but too worn out to really care. If he decided to kill me when Lexi was away, I was at the point where I just might let him. Glancing over at him, the thought floated away as he hunched forward in his chair, seemingly content to worry about the watching Sean Connery driving a speed boat and not toying with the idea of killing me.
My eyes drooped, and I didn't have the energy to fight it.
I dreamt I was in the woods. The light was dim, but the clouds hung heavily in the sky, making it hard to tell what time of day it was. I was in human form, standing barefoot amongst the ferns. Looking from one side to the other, I tried to get an idea of where I was, but I couldn't shake the feeling of being utterly lost. The muddy forest floor crept up through my toes and I smelt moss.
I jumped in shock when I felt a soft touch brush my arm. Jerking my head forward in surprise, I immediately recognized the icy blonde color of Lexi's hair as she moved in front of me. She wove gracefully between the ferns, her feet soundlessly carrying her away from me.
"Wait!" I called out, stumbling forward. My legs felt like lead as I tried to move. She glanced over her shoulder, her sea-green eyes meeting mine. Wait, weren't they supposed to be gold? Trying to hurry, I moved after her, chasing, chasing.
"Lexi!"
Still she walked, almost floating as she moved in front of me, weaving between the ferns and saplings of the forest as I clumsily followed. I couldn't get close to her. I couldn't move fast enough. I was going to lose her…again.
I jerked awake with a snort. The room was quiet, with the TV black and Emmett nowhere to be seen. Crossing my arms, I blearily fought to remember my dream and sort it out in my head. Lexi with the human eyes, me with the lead feet…it felt like that dreadful, terrifying night all over again. I wasn't fast enough to save her.
"Something the matter?"
Her voice made me jump. She'd been so still in the chair next to the couch I hadn't even seen her at first. No breathing, no heartbeat, built like marble. Lexi sat forward, her elbows on her knees as she watched me slowly continue to wake up. I blinked, not sure she was even real. But she was there, sitting in front of me in a vibrant purple sweater and some jeans. Her bright blonde hair hung in soft waves framing her face, and her eyes were an effervescent golden color. Somehow the only word I could find in my head to describe them was lovely, and that wasn't even a word I was accustomed to. She didn't blink enough, I realized. No matter.
I stretched on the couch, yawning as she watched. "You hunt?" I asked suddenly, wondering if her thirst was sated.
She nodded, looking slightly uncomfortable. "Yeah…. I found some elk not far from here."
Settling back onto the cushion, I watched her twist her hands awkwardly. Vampire thirst had been described to me before, but it was still an alien idea to me.
"What do you prefer?"
"What?" she asked sharply, not hiding her surprise. Her barked question echoed slightly against the white walls of the Cullen home.
I bit back a grimace.
"To eat. What's your favorite?"
If she thought my question was strange, she didn't mention it. Instead, a wry little grin crossed her mouth and made my stomach do a quick little flip. I pushed it back and waited for her answer.
"Well, carnivores taste better in general. Emmett uh…he turned me onto bears."
"You hunt bears?" I sat up suddenly, my eyes wide. My heart began racing at the idea of small, sweet Lexi battling the nasty bears this area of the country was known for. Images of one of the big, snarling, beasts we'd occasionally run into while patrolling filled my mind. I tried not to imagine as their huge paws lined with razor sharp claws swiped at her.
"I do," she smiled innocently, the light hitting her teeth. I stared at her as she intentionally moved her jaw moved down slightly, changing her appearance from a friendly grin to a menacing little growl, her top lip lifting slightly, exposing the straight line of teeth. I didn't need to feel them to know they were sharper than any razor.
I relaxed. It gave me some semblance of peace to know that she could defend herself.
"So you fight then?"
Lexi closed her lips and bobbed her head. "Emmett and Jasper trained me. Rose even showed me a few tricks."
"She would know a few," I grumbled, settling back against the couch cushion with my arms crossed. I folded my legs, reclining at an angle so that we could talk.
"How do you…?"
"Jasper trained me for the newborn war, back when Bella was human. They tell you about Riley and the newborns?"
Lexi nodded. "I know all about that. About Victoria and Riley and…what they caused," she muttered. An emotion flickered behind her eyes, but she appeared to shake it away. I watched her toy with one of the little rings on her hands, and I watched her.
"They caused a huge mess, yeah. Well, Jasper trained all the wolves in their fighting style. He uh…knows his stuff. I was too young to fight that day, but I stayed back with a few of the younger pups to guard the town. Still trained with them though."
"Yeah, they'd be the ones to learn from. I can defend myself, if that's what you're asking."
I watched her for a few moments, the only sound the ticking of a clock somewhere nearby. Now seemed as good a time as any to apologize for what an ass I'd been. I swallowed harshly - even if it was to Lexi, apologies never came easily to me.
"I know we've talked about it but I'm really sorry, Lex. I'm sorry for the way I reacted to this and…I'm really sorry I haven't caught him for you. I can't seem to ever get him cornered…"
She shrugged. "I believe you," she offered quietly, her golden eyes flicking up to meet mine. "He could be gifted. Different vampires have different skills, and Alice thinks he might have a gift related to us not being able to capture him. I…I guess Victoria had something similar. This…enhanced self-preservation. Wouldn't be unheard of, is what I guess I'm saying. Don't beat yourself up about it."
Lexi grew quiet again. I cocked my head to the side.
"Is it okay that I'm here?"
She met my gaze again and looked around the seemingly empty house. "Yes?"
Frowning, I sat up again. "I mean….I just patrolled all night and wanted to see you."
"You look tired. I let you sleep."
People telling me I looked like crap was getting old, whether it was Lexi's polite subtlety or Emmet's blatant observations. I knew I looked like hell, but damn it, what could I do? The image of following Lexi and her mate around, whoever he was, was still tormenting me and I needed to talk to her about it. Without any unwanted ears. Where was he now, I wondered? The man, no, vampire that had become her mate? Why wasn't he rushing in to protect her from the wolves?
I made a mental note to bring that up to her later. What kind of man didn't come out and defend his woman from a potential threat? What was this guy made of?
I grumbled to myself and sat up. "Can you….leave with me? Alone?"
A look of surprise graced her perfect features. "Alone?"
I nodded. "Alone."
X0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0
We walked at a human pace from the house, down the path we'd been on the week before. Glancing back over my shoulder at the still, silent house, I noted no new vampire I'd never met was coming charging out of the place after us. Hmmm…
I knew Lexi enough to know that she was dying to ask questions but was managing to keep quiet until we were out of earshot of anyone who might be inside. Without thinking, I cursed internally at the idea that so many vampires were just hanging around us all the time. That is, until I realized I was walking with one. I smiled to myself, causing her to look at me in silent question. How strange it was….at times the only thing I could think of was that Lexi was now a vampire. Yet, being with her…I found myself almost forget. Shaking my head, I motioned for her to keep walking. We made our way down the hill to the side of the house, traipsing through ferns and new, green undergrowth until we reached the place where the river broke through the trees, branching off and emptying into a wider, rushing body of water. Old, large pines lined the water, acting as a barrier to the river. She paused beside one, resting her pale hand against its bark.
The question seemed to dance on her tongue for a moment as she let her delicate hand trace the rough surface. She debated, but ultimately asked me.
"Do you climb?"
I quirked an eyebrow at her. "Like, trees? Yeah," I confirmed awkwardly.
She gave me a tiny shrug, turning and leaping up to the first low branch before scurrying up the rest of the tree like a squirrel. Barking out a loud laugh, I followed behind her, albeit much slower and with about a fraction of the grace. I was light on my feet, but climbing wasn't something I did as often as running, fighting, phasing.
I found her towards the top, perched on a thick branch as if it was a bench, smirking at me like she did when she was human. A rush of nostalgia threatened to overwhelm me in that moment, but I bit it back. This wasn't about me and my little longings for her human side. I'd brought her out there to talk about moving forward, not backward. I swallowed the memories and fought to survive.
"So you do climb," she replied smugly.
I had to bite back a snort.
"Not quite as well as you obviously do, but…yeah. I guess you can say I don't have the same grace about it or whatever, but sure."
She leaned forward, grinning as she inhaled the damp, fresh morning air. The tree she'd picked boasted quite a view of the river below, and I sensed she'd been there before. Glancing sideways at her, she looked as if she had a thought, but thought better of saying it out loud.
"What is it now?" I asked, smiling faintly. "You can say it, whatever it is."
She nodded, still grinning to herself. She shook her head and the scent rolling off of her was tangy with vampire, but something else lingering underneath. Floral, luxurious, and soft.
I blinked harshly and waited to hear her speak.
"This is so weird. I mean, I know you were wolf, but…"
"Getting to know me as another supernatural being? Yeah, I uh…know what you mean."
We shared a look that said Okay cool, you admit this is weird, and for a moment it took me back to when we first met and she barely gave me the time of day. Eye rolling, snorting, waving me off…..she'd been so quick to dismiss me when all of the other girls I'd met had fallen at my feet. Being tall, built, and relatively good looking had served me well in my teens and early twenties. I'd never had to try to get any girl before – Lexi was the first that made me work for every shred of her attention. Maybe that's why she was meant for me – she challenged me in a way no one else ever had.
She giggled, and the sound was like music- soothing, like it could transport me to another time and place. I sat on the branch beside her, leaning back against the tree trunk. We turned, admiring our view of the wide river below as it rushed past us. Spring was always slow to Forks, but once it hit, it was like a bomb of green exploded in the landscape. Moss reformed on the rocks, the ferns uncoiled, and the leaves would appear all in the span of a week or so. That had happened seemingly overnight. It's strange, really…I'd always taken spring for granted somehow. But, after the longest winter of my life…the green felt like a rebirth.
"So," she started, and I peeled my eyes away from the rushing river to meet her gaze.
The idea of her mate lurking around here somewhere crept back into my mind, like an unwanted intrusive guest. I had to get her to talk about it.
"We're alone," I stated dumbly, hoping to prompt her.
"So we are," she stated matter of factly, turning to look at me. She didn't elaborate. Crap.
My eyes scanned her face – it was the weirdest thing. So different, yet…it was her. Whereas she'd always seemed to have that California glow to her as a human, that look was long gone only to be replaced with the typical smooth, pale, complexion that the rest of her kind had. Gone was the tiny chicken pox scar above her left eyebrow, along with all the sun freckles. Her nose was the same – slightly sloped on the bridge with a cute tip, the same almond shaped eyes. While they were no longer the same ocean-colored shade, the golden hue gave me some peace.
Concern suddenly etched her features. "Are you okay?"
Her eyes still squinted the same way they did when she laughed or peered in concern.
My resolve started to crumble, but I held steady, glancing back towards the house. I didn't know the whereabouts of everyone, but I certainly didn't want an audience. My emotional control was that of a cranky toddler on my best day and I didn't want them around to listen to whatever crap was about to fall out of my stupid mouth. Most of them had an entire century to get ahold of their emotions and their holier-than-thou advice dolling got on my nerves. Rosalie's stony face as she'd stood on my front porch the other day came to the front of my mind immediately, making me want to snap something in half.
Lexi knew what I was worried about. Of course she did. She shook her head. "They can't hear us."
I waivered.
"So," she continued again, "Are you going to answer me? Are you okay? You don't….you don't look okay."
"Yes. No," I exhaled, shaking my head.
A few seconds passed, and she ducked her head to catch my gaze. "Well?"
The words were in my chest, swirling into a giant ball of anxiety and stress, threatening to strangle me alive. I was strong, stronger than I'd been the past few months both physically and mentally, but I knew I'd feel like nothing unless I got this out.
"I'm sorry I showed up here the other night, looking like shit. You didn't deserve it."
She shrugged. "I'm just glad I didn't have to do prom stag two years in a row."
I looked at her and felt my resolve crumbling. I wanted to cry, and that was foreign to me but oh-so-appealing.
I bit my lip. "I'm….I'm so sorry you never had a good prom," I offered weakly, tears stinging the back of my eyes.
"It doesn't matter…"
"No, it does, and I fucked it up twice. You deserved better, Lex."
"Prom isn't a big deal to me, and….we'll be here all night if we sit and list all the ways things could have been better."
I snorted a laugh though my bitterness. "Man, you really haven't changed. You just…say it like it is," I laughed, reigning my sadness in. I still didn't want to cry in front of her – that hadn't changed. "But I showed up looking like some fucked up nonsense. I'm sorry, for what it's worth. I've been in my head a lot lately and….when you came back it dragged me out. I wasn't prepared for that. I just wasn't prepared to see you. I wasn't prepared for any of it."
"Looking like some monster freak?" she tried, and failed, to finish my sentence. "Yeah…I know."
I raised my head to look at her. "That isn't it at all."
She looked at me, blinking owlishly with those eyes. It was so strange – the color was wrong, but the emotion I saw swirling behind them was still hers.
I decided then and there….if she was a monster now, then hey, maybe I was attracted to monsters.
Because I certainly didn't hate her.
Not one bit.
"I wasn't prepared…" I swallowed, hard, and tried to get my jumbled thoughts into a sentence. "I wasn't prepared for you to still be you."
It took me a few moments before I could actually look at her, but she was clearly as lost for words as I was.
"You're still you, Lex, and I wasn't expecting that. That day you were bitten, I…I sat upstairs while you changed and I just…all I could think about was how different you'd be, and how you were basically dying. All I could think about was how you'd be dead. Gone. That all of me would be gone."
I heard her exhale, but I still couldn't look at her.
"When you left….I felt like you died and took everything in me with you. Just so…utterly gone. I was a shell. Before that day in the woods when we fought, I felt like my life was coming together. I'd found you and won you over and I could finally live, Lex. I could relax. And when I did finally relax, we got into that stupid fight and he…he took you away from me and there was nothing I could do to stop it," I choked out, the tears finally squeezing their way out.
I gasped for breath, still afraid to look at her. The clean spring air helped calm my panicky gasps, but the emotions I'd tucked away for so long finally crashed through. A few more tears slid down my face, the spring air biting at the tracks they left on my cheek. Starting to cry was a scary feeling – it was like opening floodgates that you preferred to keep shut.
"I was selfish, okay? Just the same narcissistic ass I've always been, worrying about how it will affect me. I handled that about as badly as anyone could, and I…." I turned to look at her. Lexi looked completely shocked, but her eyes were still softly gazing at me. "I need you to know that I'm sorry, okay? I'm so sorry," I sniffed. "I've wanted to tell you that since that day you left for Alaska. If I could change it, I would."
She stared at me, blinking once, as she softly shook her head. "That….was a pretty awful day, wasn't it?" she agreed softly.
I nodded and we were quiet for a few moments. The wind whipped through the tree where we sat, enveloping us in the scent of pine and clean air. I took a few choppy breaths and tried to get it together. As good as it felt to get some of that out, I hated looking like a whiny bitch in front of her. I bet her new man didn't do crap like that.
I swallowed another lump in my throat before I asked miserably, "Can we just…hang out? Just be together?"
I couldn't look at her, I couldn't. Hanging my head, I stared at the ground a good sixty feet below and felt the tips of my ears get hot. Discomfort crawled across my skin, threatening to make me break out into a sweat. I gasped for air and barely realized it when she touched me. It felt so…normal. Right.
Her touch was cool, but the tips of her marble fingers didn't make my skin crawl. Gasping softly, she pulled back. Glancing up, we shared an uncertain look. Fuck, this was awkward. Neither of us know where to go from here. There weren't exactly books that covered this shit. This felt like a crappy CW teen drama, not my life. Things were so fucked up.
"You…want to be near me?"
I could barely nod as I avoided her golden gaze. A sharp wind rustled through the trees as the cool spring day brightened around us. The breeze ruffled her silvery blonde hair and made her scent rush towards me. Once again, I was hit with the bizarre sensation of her scent as it washed over me. It was the strangest thing – she smelled like herself, like saltwater and something floral and sweet, but the edges of that scent were laced with the saccharine scent of vampire. Such a mindfuck.
"I…spent all these months worried I'd repulse you. That I already did, actually. I thought that's why you stayed away."
"Coward," I spat under my breath. "I was a coward, Lexi."
The emotions I'd been pushing away were rushing to the surface and my chest was tight. Breathing was harder, and I felt like I was going to collapse in on myself. She touched my arm again, igniting a spark of something up my arm and into my chest. My head jerked, studying her hand against my brown skin. I found myself leaning into her cool touch.
"I'm not me without you," I murmured. "Everything is shit without you, Lex."
"That can't be true," she laughed, pulling her arm back. I longed for her touch again but was too much of a pussy to say it. Old habits were hard to break, I realized as I focused on her mouth. I knew she was different and that she would feel different, but I still wanted to know if her lips on mine would feel like it once had.
Rosalie's words ran through my mind from the other morning on my porch.
"Things didn't end well with you two, but she wishes you nothing but good things. She's…she's moved on."
"What do you mean, 'moved on'?" I demanded, stepping closer to her. "She found someone else? Who is it?"
"So we can do that then? Hang out? Together?"
Fuck, I sounded so needy but I didn't care.
She turned back to me and nodded resolutely, her blonde hair swaying with the movement. "Of course we can. Just keep on not wanting to kill me and we'll be good."
"It won't like…get you in trouble, or?" I fished, wanting to know more about her new mate. Of course he already had a strike in my book by letting her roam around the woods all by herself with a shape shifting wolf, but hey, I digress.
She instantly frowned, her body stiffening in defense. "Why would I be in trouble? I'm not their prisoner, Brady. I'm with the Cullens because…well, because they've been my support. They're lovely people who have become my second family. They were there for me when I needed them, and…I stay with them because I want to learn how to not be a monster."
"No, I mean…"
This was awkward. And I was making it awkward. Glancing around the empty forest, I shrugged. "Won't whoever you're with hate having me tagging along all the time?"
"The Cullens?" she asked, visibly perplexed. I watched the confusion dance across her features and I felt my face grow hot. Fuck, this was not the discussion I wanted to have today, but I guess it was better to get it over with and know than just letting it fester inside of my chest along with my already shattered heart.
"Erm….someone mentioned you'd…moved on. I figured that meant you had some big, bad, vampy boyfriend now," I finally muttered, scratching my head.
She gave a stilted laugh that meant she felt awkward and I looked up at her. She closed her eyes and shook her head.
"Who told you that? I don't…."
I grit my teeth and shook my head, picturing Rosalie's vampy head on a stake. "Not important," I growled.
An awkward silence grew between us and we couldn't look at each other. If I'd felt awkward before, I felt completely raw and ripped open now, bared for her like a piece of meat.
"Brady, I'm not with anyone. I don't have a….boyfriend, or anything of the sort."
Relief washed over me, but not before I raised an eyebrow at her. "Anything of the sort?' You've been hanging around those ancient leeches so long you're starting to talk like them," I chuckled.
Lexi rolled her eyes at me. "Ass," she laughed under her breath. "I'm being serious. I don't have a vampy boyfriend, Brady."
I glanced at her, then away. "I uh….maybe misunderstood something that was said," I admitted sheepishly, trying not to let both my joy and utter humiliation show. She was telling me good news, but it had come at the expense of my pride.
"I think…maybe I should get you home," I said, motioning back in the direction of the Cullen house.
"O-oh," she said, sounding surprised. Heaving a sigh, I started awkwardly backing down the large pine tree. I felt the rush of air against my back as Lexi fell to the ground in a graceful swoop, waiting for me at the bottom. I let myself fall the last twenty or so feet, landing next to her on the muddy ground.
"I forget that you're so unbreakable now," I offered with a small smile.
"Yeah," she agreed, walking forward. "There's a lot to get used to."
I recently got two really sweet reviews on this fic and it really motivated me to finish up this chapter and get it posted for you. Reviews matter so much guys, so thank you! Sorry for being gone so long - I had a baby! LOL. Enjoy.