Title: Serendipity: The Prologue
Author: Becca the Evil
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the stuff I own. ^_^
Author Note: Welcome to Becca-trying-humor day! Warning, this is heavily demented, crude and has a lot of cursing. I will eventually make this completely Harry Potter, but my plan is very bizarre, mysterious, and ::gasp:: secret! MUWAHAHA! Now onto the fic…if you aren't scared already.
The clock was ticking incessantly, while Nicole Rivers was trying to block out the drone of her Science class. It was the last class of a humid day, and she was aching to get into a properly air-conditioned room. Nicole would normally be taking pages of notes for fear of loosing her GPA, which was abnormally high for a student at Burak High School in Florida. She brushed a stray piece of brown hair behind her ear, and sighed loudly. Her teacher, Mr. Marks, was talking so tediously that Nicole could have sworn that all of the separate words his mouth was forming made up one continuous blah. At the beginning of class she could recognize the start of a lecture on the mating habits of pygmy ants, but now she was certain she was stuck in a bad Charlie Brown episode.
"Wallasham bleehaw, floobing shnelum," said Mr. Marks.
Nicole gazed around the class, lazily, her head lolling to one side. About half of the class was catching up on sleep, and nobody really seemed to care about what was happening. Most of the class was in the same sort of bizarre trance, staring wide-eyed at nothing or sleeping soundly.
Next to her, her best friend Kevin Alvarez had just fallen on top of his bookbag and was in a complete state of narcolepsy. He was absently chewing on the zipper fastenings of his makeshift pillow. His brown hair was rumpled, covering his sleepy blue eyes. Beside Kevin, Sean Steinberg was snoring loudly next to a puddle of drool. The tips of his spiked red hair were being dipped every so often into his non-hygienic puddle by the movement of his blaring snores.
In the back of the room, Brooke Moorison was counting the holes in the ceiling tiles, and Jessica Clark was trying to make her tube of strawberry lipgloss stand up straight. They were known as the ditzy duo, and were the epitome of blonde cheerleaders. Three people Nicole didn't know were listening to loud music in an effort to stay awake, and Thomas Avery was looking like he always did, dazed and stupid. Thomas was Nicole's arch-nemesis, and Nicole didn't want to reminisce about all of the crap she'd gotten from him about her grades. It was mostly due to him that she was now a very good slapper and could have a very sharp tongue. Thomas was a world class jerk and a half, and it made Nicole sick to look at him too long.
Instead, she looked over to her left. Even the enthusiastic Science admirer, Stephanie Jones, was sagging lifelessly. All of a sudden, Stephanie pulled her head off the desk looking shocked at her lack of discipline, and then gave into the sandman for the second time in history.
Nicole felt her own eyelids droop, and she made a headrest out of Kevin's shoulder. Just as she was drifting off, the bell rang in her ear and Kevin bolted upright, knocking her over.
"Goodbye class," said Mr. Marks, his normal speech returning. "Be sure to pick up a study sheet, we will be having an exam next class." He walked briskly off.
"Unnnngh," grumbled Sean, and he accidentally rolled into his puddle of slobber.
"Eeeeeeeeeew!" screeched Jessica, "That's like, so not sanitary." She picked up
her lipgloss and walked out of class, Brooke trailing after her.
Sean glared after her. "Eeeeeew! Like, totally!" he said, mocking Jessica's hip motions. "What a slut."
"Hey, she has a nice ass." Kevin added, walking over to Sean. Nicole packed up her bag.
"The first Continental Congress was held in 1781!" shrieked Stephanie, waking up and realizing she had been dozing off, to her embarrassment.
"Wrong subject, Steph," laughed Nicole, as she walked over to Sean and Kevin.
"Hey! Any of you guys want to give me a drive home? Driver's Ed is the most evil class invented. It's not like I don't know how to parallel park, it's just that my instructor was stupid! He spilled his soda on me, for crying out loud! Like I'm not going to run into something..." Nicole broke off mumbling.
"Not the fountain in front of the mall, Nicole." Sean smirked.
"I can give you both a ride over to Starbucks, but you have to walk the rest. I'm trying to get a job," commented Kevin.
"Again?" asked Nicole. "Hello, that's your fourth time there. Addicted to coffee, are we? You can't keep on giving out free samples to any girl who looks at you, don't you realize that? Duh squared. You'll inevitably get fired."
"There's lots you don't realize, Ms. High and Mighty." Kevin retaliated.
"Like what? Enlighten me." Nicole sent him a challenging gaze.
"I had this really freaky dream last night. It was something about cross-dimensional travel. Have you read A Wrinkle in Time?" said Kevin.
Nicole nodded. Sean cocked his head sideways and looked suspicious.
"The Chronicles of Narnia?" Nicole nodded again.
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?" Another nod. Kevin continued.
"I bet you anything in the world that you don't realize the secret that's talked about in these books. You will never understand how to get to a different dimension. The day you show me that you can defy physics and go across a time/space barrier, I will do anything you want. Including shaving my head, coming to school naked, and doing the Macarena on the roof."
Nicole blinked. "Hey Dr. Spock, been watching too much television? Err, no actually I bet you were hanging out with Michelle's older brother's friends. Star Wars weirdoes…the one guy with the beard and cape really scares me. But why not, it's a bet."
Nicole and Kevin shook hands.
All of a sudden, the back door of the classroom flung open, and a girl clad in jeans, a purple camisole, and matching sunglasses ran in. She tripped over her five-inch platforms, and did a nose-dive. Nicole, Sean, and Kevin seemed unfazed, as this was a daily ritual. Michelle was clumsy, impulsive, had a sunglass fetish, but was still hilarious, fun to be around, and very good friends with Nicole, Kevin, and Sean.
"Hey Michelle!" called Nicole. "Come on over, Kevin's giving out free rides to anyone who wants to go to Starbucks!" Kevin rolled his eyes.
"Hi guys! Cool, count me in. You are sooo lucky that you don't have to take a class with the Evil Spanish Teacher From Hell. I'd sit through Science any day. So what's kicking?" Michelle said this all very fast.
"What happened? I missed something." Sean stated, a look of confusion on his face, as he looked from Nicole to Kevin and Michelle.
"Here's the instant replay. First, I told Kev he couldn't possibly work at Starbucks again because he'll get fired. He said I didn't know everything, and dared me to find out the secret behind inter-galactic travel. Michelle walked in, and she's driving with us to go watch Kev get his butt kicked out of the aforementioned coffee shop," Nicole explained.
"Oooooooh!" exclaimed Sean. Michelle rolled her eyes.
"Sean, you need to stop smoking. That kills brain cells, and you need all of them you can get. I can just imagine you on crack, you'd be like, 'Dude, I need a joint. I haven't smoked for two hours and my brain functions are coming back'." Michelle started giggling, totally ruining the harsh message of her statement.
Sean shrugged his shoulders, and Nicole giggled along with Michelle.
"Let's go, I'll be late." Kevin sighed, and started walking to his car. Michelle, Sean and Nicole following him.
A few moments later, they were standing in the middle of the school parking lot.
"Woah! That's a car?" laughed Sean. "It looks like it came from the bottom of the ocean along with Titanic."
"At least I have a car," mumbled Kevin, kicking his rusting truck, while Sean threw his books in the back. Michelle hopped into the front, and turned on the stereo. The speakers belted out "I did it!" by the Dave Matthews Band, and Michelle bobbed her head to the beat.
"Oh cool! I found a root beer!" Sean reached in and pulled an aluminum can out of the window.
"Shit!" screeched Nicole, as her bag split in two. She bent to pick her books up, and Sean starting laughing.
"Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, eh? Looks like you ate it. Isn't that a kid's book?" he snorted.
Nicole was infuriated.
"Harry Potter is the best book in print and my favorite in the world, so shut up! It's a classic good against evil tale that's infused with humor and life messages. It's about a really cute little boy who almost defeated the Dark Lord Voldemort when he was a baby. Voldemort tried to kill the baby with a Killing Curse, or Avada Kedavra, but it deflected, almost killing the evil guy. This Voldemort dude is like, undead and just won't kick the bucket already. Then, every year at wizard school, Voldemort or one of his minions tries to murder Harry again. It's so amazingly well written too. The world described seems so…real. So don't diss my book, you evil…" Nicole hit Sean with one of his most notable vocabulary words. "I've worn my book out by reading it. That's what books are for, to extend knowledge. You read with your head, and think. You do know what thinking is…it's the primary function of the brain…"
"Smartass." Sean mumbled.
"Dumbass," retaliated Nicole, smiling, and she made a grab for Sean's root beer can. She snatched it, and poured the contents down the front of his shirt. "Don't diss my book. Or you will pay."
"Why am I friends with such a bitch?" grumbled Sean, looking down at his soaking shirt.
"You know you love me," Nicole crooned in her baby voice, as she pulled on Sean's hair.
"Hey. Do you want a ride or not?" Kevin screamed, getting annoyed.
*******
Off far, far away in another dimension of space and time, Harry Potter was walking towards another very strange Care of Magical Creatures Class.
He joined Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley at a table in the front of the classroom, and waited for the new substitute teacher to arrive.
See, Hagrid was still gone sending messages of friendship to giants, and Dumbledore had decided to send in a temporary teacher.
What Dumbledore didn't think about was how terrible most fifteen year olds are to subs, even if they're wizards and witches.
So far, Care of Magical Creatures had gone through seven temporary teachers. The first one ran off on the first day of term, after most of the students had decided to change their names around in strange ways. Even Hermione had joined in on the fun, after giving up on trying to lecture the class on proper behavior. Harry's new name was, "Green Midget", and Ron was "Fuzzy Candlewax" and Hermione was "Swotty Tissue". Most of the other teachers lasted for a while, but the fifth years had just thrown the last one off by dropping their quills simultaneously every five minutes. After three classes of that, Prof. Wiread had given up, and today the next sub was brought in.
A stocky woman walked into the classroom, and dropped a big container on her new desk. Her matted mop of red hair sat strangely on her head, and four of her chins wobbled as she turned around.
"She's dead," whispered Ron, winking at Dean and Seamus at the adjacent table.
The woman banged a ruler on her desk, and called for attention very forcefully. She continued to smash various things until the whole class was looking straight at her. Ron seemed to change his mind, as he sat up straight in his chair and looked terrified
"My name is Prof. Gomez, and I am your latest teacher. Your antics will not be tolerated today, as we are going straight into a new area of magical creatures." She held up a tube of bubbling green liquid. "Who can tell me what this is?"
Hermione's hand shot up.
"That's poison, from a fr…" she was cut off by Prof. Gomez tapping a ruler on her desk again.
"Good. That's enough. Now what is this?" Prof. Gomez opened up the big container on her desk. She held up a…
"Tree frog. It's a tree frog, professor!" Hermione looked pleased at herself. "But it's not magical, is it? I know that they're found in rainforests, like in South America."
Prof. Gomez glared at Hermione. She obviously had wanted another person to answer the question, and was looking really peeved. Harry shrunk into his seat. Prof. Gomez had gruesome yellow teeth that scared him, and when she glared they slipped out of her bulging purple-coated lips.
"Yes, they are magical. Their poison proves to be a very potent hallucinogen." Prof. Gomez scowled at the people who started snickering. "Today you all will be extracting the poison from your very own tree frogs, and drinking exactly one drop. I hope this teaches you all that drugs are terrible and NEVER to try any frog-licking in the future. And, it must be one drop, or else the poison will affect you for more than the planned five minutes, and you will be seeing giraffes floating in the air for weeks. Get it?"
The class certainly got it, and if they didn't get it, they hid their confusion. Prof. Gomez was scary, and she would take a while to crack.
To take the poison out of a tree frog, you had to tickle it until it started to squirm. Then, the green liquid would shoot out, and you had to catch it. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were all working with one particularly cynical frog. It didn't seem ticklish in the slightest, so the three of them took a long time touching the frog trying to find a ticklish spot.
"I feel like a rapist," Ron cringed.
"Uh, well, technically you're committing bestiality. Not exactly rape." Harry explained. "What?" he added, and Ron and Hermione's shocked expressions.
Ron stared at Harry, mouth open. "Eeew," he muttered.
"God, perverted, are we?" Hermione interjected, cringing.
Ron stared some more, and backed away from the frog. It had started to giggle.
"Ron, do you ever blink?" said Harry, trying desperately to change the subject.
Ron blinked, to oblige Harry and then turned his gaze onto the frog. It continued laughing, and Hermione caught a shot of green liquid in a bottle.
"Ick, now we have to drink this stuff." Hermione held the bottle up. She took a dropper, and filled it with frog poison. "Who's first?"
"Harry!" shouted Ron.
"Ron!" shouted Harry.
"You are such babies. I'll go first." Hermione placed the dropper on her tongue, and drank a drop. Her eyes rolled back into her head, and when they came back around, she was rambling.
"The Elephants! Get a shotgun!" She wobbled over to Harry, and said "Hello Mr. Potato. You are one ugly teddy bear." Then, she walked clumsily over to Ron. "You bad, bad, smoocher of styrofoam. The giraffes know better."
Ron let out a string of inappropriate words, complementing the poison and affirming the incredibility of Hermione being so…absurd. He then sat back and watched her make a fool of herself, very amused.
After watching Hermione stop wandering around the room while giving balderdash advice to everyone in the room, Ron took a sip of the poison.
"Fiji Merrrrmaiddd! Lizard GooFlaaaaaa!" Ron collapsed into loud, obnoxious giggles, and turned many shades of blue from lack of breathing.
"Ron, you idiot, breathe!" Hermione shouted.
"Aquamarine jellyfiiiiiiiish!" Ron fell down again, clutching his stomach.
Five minutes passed, and Ron returned to normal. It was Harry's turn. He took a drop of the poison…
"IT'S VOLDEMORT!" Harry screamed. The whole class turned to look at him, eyes wide. "AND HE'S WEARING A PINK NIGHTGOWN!" Harry screamed, and tried to run away from the empty space that was Voldie. "NOOOOOO! I DO NOT EAT RABBITS!" shouted Harry.
After five minutes, Harry's poison wore off as well. He, Ron, and Hermione looked around the room to see how the potion had affected other people.
Crabbe and Goyle were playing patty-cake, their faces contorted like identical five-year old girls. Lavender and Parvati were doing cartwheels in the middle of the room. Seamus was spilling his deepest, darkest secrets, including his unrequited love for Neville Longbottom. Dean was taking notes. And Draco Malfoy was…
"He's…singing? Oh God, it that, Diana Ross?" Hermione winced as he hit a high note. "Make him stop, Harry!"
"Heh, no way Hermione. This is the second best moment of our lives, now it's Malfoy the Singing, Bouncing, Moronic Ferret." Harry laughed.
Ron stared at Malfoy, and then starting laughing hysterically along with Harry. He fell off his chair, chuckling.
"Ron…you didn't take any more of that poison, did you?" said Hermione, very slowly.
Ron stopped laughing. "Are you insane? That stuff tastes gross! It's like a mixture of cat piss and tanning oil."
"I WIIIILL SURVVVIIIIIIIIIVE!" sang Draco, hopping onto his table.
"Hasn't it already been five minutes," asked Hermione, looking terrified.
"Uh, yea," began Harry, "Looks like he took more than a drop."
Ron grinned maliciously, and Harry started laughing again. Hermione continued to look scared to death, as Draco moonwalked off of his table and fell.
"Class dismissed!" screamed Prof. Gomez, "And YOU, singer boy, you are in SO much trouble! Conduct cut!" She grabbed Draco by the ear, and pulled him out of the room.
*******
End Note: This'll make waay more sense once I finish the next chapter, in a week or so. Reviews are appreciated! Please? ^_^ Don't worry, I don't bite. Hard.