"Oy, answer me, SHITTY EXTRA?!"
Now, Shouta did not condone child murder, harm, or even child intimidation… unless they deserved it. And the creature using decibels akin to a jet engine despite his liberal employment of his quirk was inching towards "deserving it".
"Quiet down, pipsqueak," he grouched. Inko terrified the soul out of him but the demon's bodyguard was asking for it. Technically she only ordered her progeny home safe; nothing about those from the servant line.
"You calling me pipsqueak, you old shriveled up has been?"
Oh. Now that Shouta Aizawa has established that the blond demon possessed cronie was going to be exorcized with a good drop kick, nothing would stop him. Nothing, not even the screeches of fear from the dunderheaded witnesses.
Problem Child picked up his cronie by the shirt and hugged him like a puppy. Judging by the incoherent threats towards mass slaughter, killing the blond would have been a mercy.
"There, there, Kaachan, that's better," Problem Child soothed. It reminded Shouta of a snake comforting the mouse caught in its vice grip: sweet and caring only if one had never seen a documentary in their life.
Eventually Problem Child releases his prey and pats it on the back. It was fascinating, in a morbid sort of way. Shouta could make millions selling videos of it to science.
"Now, what does Momma always tell you?"
The now named Kaachan- Seriously who names their poor bastard Kaachan- sniffled, barely eye-twitching.
"Don't make assumptions an shit, I guess," he mumbled. "But Deku! Look at him, he's not Auntie Inko, and Auntie told me to keep you safe, shitty extra. Who else am I gonna beat on my way to the top?"
Wow, what insecurity, Shouta noted. He wanted to interject a comment or demand to head home as he was perpetually needing a nap by chloroform (stupid Hizashi turned his supply in for "health concerns"), but this might be the only time he could observe the demon for weaknesses.
So he watched.
Problem Child looked exasperated. "Kaachan I'm supposed to be the Boss one day! One cannot simply become the Boss without expanding the Family!"
Why did that sound so much more loaded than it should?
"And he's… Family?"
Family? More like prisoner.
"Uh huh. Momma declared it to everyone! You were sick during that meeting, remember?"
You did not hear that, Shouta. Did. Not. Hear. That. Do not try to decode it.
Now the blond was nodding. "Yeah, you're right Deku; wasn't my Hag and Pops on the Zimbabwe infiltration mission too?"
"Exactly! Now you got it!" The broccoli demon gestured to Shouta like he was presenting a new prized trophy. "This is Shouta Aizawa: our new Big Brother, also known as Eraserhead!"
The red eyed creature grinned.
"Welcome the Family Shitterhead!"
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
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Walking two future mass murderers through town made Shouta Aizawa feel like a time traveler escorting Vlad the Impaler home: he knew the future, and yet he did nothing. Would history understand he did it for the Greater Good™ that was coffee?
No, probably not. He did not care what they thought. Definitely not on a double patrol night, and hell to the no when the interns on scheduling made a mistake and gave him a day shift.
He blocked the conversation the two psychopaths had, instead working on his biography that would be released posthumously.
"There I was: a man towing the line of good versus evil. The Family, only known suppliers of the life saving substance of caffeine, had a reign of terror gripping the World- no, the universe!. It was up to I, Shouta Aizawa, to grapple with the knowledge that while I dined with monsters, I used their goods to better the planet."
"It is true that his quirk had a twenty-nine second window before had to blink once, meaning that a villain could time their attack for twenty-nine-point-seven seconds," Problem child said, breaking Shouta from his inner thoughts.
Inner peace, he chanted. Do not think.
"That seems lame, Shitterhead!"
"However, Momma and I noticed that when properly nourished, watered, and rested, Big Brother can go almost thirty-two seconds before needing to blink!"
"So if ya gotta take him out, just nab his coffee and put a leak in his apartment, got it. What a wimp. All Might would be much harder to kill."
Shouta froze. The cackling demons continued discussing ways to off him with such ease and lack of remorse. He really was a man towing the two worlds, and they were casually demonstrating it to him now. No wonder Inko Midoriya had him escort them home. Important meeting with the Prime Minister his ass, she wanted him to see how pathetic his life was.
Even if he managed to take out Mother Stalk, he was no match for the otherworldly savagery that was only capable in children.
The coffee made it so, so worth it.
"What do you think, Shitterhead? Can we?"
Shouta had no idea what the conversation was about at that moment.
"Hn. Sure, just don't tell me when you do," he said instead of asking for clarification. Plausible deniability and all that.
He was not cognizant that he had just made a certain rat's entire year.
"Now, where was I? Hn. Yes, it was raining, and my coffee was ice cold with sugar. It had something to do with Hizashi."
"Deku, how would I take out All Might?"
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"Prime Minister, surely you can do better than that," Inko purred. She kept it friendly no matter how much she wanted to rip his heart out. Her oldest was walking her baby home, there was no reason to lose yet another important ally.
Even when they peed themselves.
Inner peace, inner peace, she chanted.
The man's office was soundproof. It would be too simple. A sad little end for a sad little man who was losing most of his hair at thirty-nine.
"B-b-but Green Ripper-sama, please! You know my budget!"
She sighed. Inko always detested her villain name. It was so uncouth, made her sound like a demon with no empathy or mercy!
Sure, her teen years were bloody, and sometimes a heart yanked out into her hand made for a terrific classic style intimidation tactic, Inko Midoriya was hardly the monster the name implied.
Inko channeled her annoyance into her voice despite her diplomatic words. "You will agree to fix the potholes on all the streets I have requested, as allies do not let one another down. Only enemies do, right Prime Minister?"
Somehow that inspired another pee session. Great, the world was just filled with people without spines nowadays. Takeru was bad, but this was just pathetic.
At least her husband was around to show Izu-chan real courage.
Five minutes later she was on her way home, satisfied that no more dangerous holes would threaten Izu-chan on his bike rides. The child was much too careless, and just last week Katsuki-chan narrowly steered Izu-chan away from one into the helpful arms of a nice elderly man. He was one the Family side members or else there would have been words on his intentions.
Her phone rang. Hisashi. The mood soured a bit; that man was always too reckless! Going for drinks with him left more work for Inko! What, did he want the streets too violent for Izuku to grow and practice on?
Sometimes that man really tested her.
"Hello Sweetums," she said brightly. "Did you get the Zimbabwe beans I asked for?"
"Yes, Honey Bunny! How was your meeting?"
She giggled. "Oh, you know, I always prevail. Have you eaten yet? You know you get cranky without a snack."
A gulp. Ah. Another trying aspect of her husband: he didn't take care of himself. Time for Inko to save him from himself.
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Somehow getting attacked by a villain with the two miscreants in tow was not the worst thing to happen in Shouta's week.
It would be the last thing to happen ever if he let the children get a scrape, however.
Skinnier than Shouta before Inko's cooking and wearing a neon green jumpsuit, topped with a a forest of eyebrows, was truly a horror of horrors.
"Stay behind me," he ordered. He almost let Problem Child be unleashed on the civilian looking robber with a fashion sense worse than Hizashi's, but thought better of it. The innocents around them did nothing to deserve the break in reality.
"Hey, Kaachan, did you bring the new flamethrower Momma got us?"
"You will not defeat me," the villain shouted, "This world shall know YOUTH!"