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Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, though I wish I did, and Rouges to Riches comes solely from the great mind of J. Robert King. Rob's given me quite enthusiastic permission to write this however so no worry of being sued there. *heh* Sides, I'm not making any money off this so what should it matter? One last note. I won't be able to update this weekly because my life is just too busy. =P Live with it.^.^ Enjoy and don't forget to review! Ja!
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I should have known better than to trust one of your plans Maxwell, Wufei scolded, gritting his teeth to keep from yelling as he experimentally pulled against the shackles. His nose wrinkled in disgust as he glanced toward his partner, Duo, who was seeing just how far he could stretch his dangling feet to the grimy dungeon floor below. A sudden breeze rushed through the dank cell, causing Wufei to shiver as he once again wished that they weren't only wearing their breechcloths. Why'd you keep telling them we could escape anyway? They would have left us with our clothes still on and probably a nice comfortable corner to stretch out in. Instead we're stuck here hanging a foot off the ground with nothing on but our underwear!
Duo blew a strand of his chestnut hair out of his eyes as he turned to the Chinese youth. Actually this is all your fault Wu-man. You should've just given those nobles their dance lessons they'd paid for and we would be sippin' tea right now.
I don't even know how to dance you baka! Wufei screamed. His face was quite red by now and his left eye was twitching violently. You knew that!
Duo smirked and turned his gaze back to the blank wall in front of him. In all the years they had known each other the two boys had always had a silent agreement. Duo was the planer and Wufei the doer. In Duo's eyes their current predicament directly resulted from the doers inability to coordinate his feet. After all, Duo continued, It's actually not that bad of a dungeon, compared to some we've seen. Not too crowded, Duo stole a glance at the skeleton hanging from the wall to the left, And the chains are keeping us away from the floor and, subsequently, the rats. Sides Wu-man, I think hanging here for awhile might just improve your height by an inch or two.
Wufei's mouth moved uselessly as he tried to form a suitablely hateful reply. During the last year Duo had grown and he had not, leaving the black haired youth several inches short of his companion. Comments about his height always got to him but then again comments about Duos failed plans annoyed the braided youth just as badly. Perhaps they were even. Well, what now Maxwell?
Duo couldn't help smiling at Wufei's response. That was as close to an apology that he'd ever get from the shorter boy. He pursed his lips as his thoughts turned back to the problem at hand. Hmmmm. What are our assets?
Nothing thanks to you, Wufei responded, spitting on the grim, encrusted floor to emphasize his disgust.
You have your marked cards?
Your knives? Your silk rope? Your sleeping powder?
And where would I be hiding it all? My hair?, Wufei replied dryly.
How about your kawaii little paper animals? Your nose flute? Rat tails? Those kinky pictures of--
I said they cleaned me out! Wufei shouted angrily, his face slightly red from the thought of his pictures. They took everything because of your boasts that we could escape with even a toothpick. All I have now is my breechcloth and my spit!
Hey! Shut your traps! came the dry throated voice of a dungeon guard. Looking to the door the two young rouges could just make out the beady black eyes of the two half orcs who had shackled them. One of the gray skinned monsters leaned closer and winked. Shut up or Horkle here'll cut out your tongues with an axe! the monster said with another wink.
Breechcloths and spit, Duo said with finality, gazing at the floor in thought.
A look of alarm plastered itself across Wufei's dirt streaked face. He turned as far as the hanging chains would allow, just enough to give Duo a withering look. Duo just smirked and winked at his black haired companion. You try anything and I'll--
Duo interrupted the soon to be death threat by spitting. The blobby, foaming mass landed a mere two feet from them, a few inches beyond where Wufei's spit lay. Then Duo cackled, Ha! Look at that Wu-man! I spit farther than you! He turned and stuck his tongue out at the incredulous Wufei.
Wufei gaped stupidly before cursing under his breath, hissing at Duo, Maxwell, you really are an idiot. You know I can spit farther and more accurately than anyone in all of Norwold. You spit like an onna. True enough, except the onna part. Wufei was a master at spitting and throwing cards, and bending himself into strange positions and folding paper and half a hundred other useless tricks.
I bet you one lash o' the whip I can spit farther than you Wu-man, Duo jeered loudly.
This indignant cry caught the guards' attention. Their meaty faces again were seen crammed towards the window.
If I lose, Duo explained, Horkle will come in here and lash me. If you lose, he'll come in here and lash you!
one of the half-orcs shouted. I'm the one with has the whip. And I ain't Horkle.A jangling was heard as the key was hurriedly shoved into the rusty lock. I'm Sorg. The rusty hinges screeched open. In stepped the two half-orcs, mutated excuses for human relation, both covered with indistinguishable lumps and scars. Their muscled bodies filled the doorway, almost causing them to get stuck in the frame as they tried to enter at the same time. Sorg, a slightly greener guard carrying the bullwhip, finally pushed through and cried, Just tell me when, and I'll whip. The other guard, armed only with his battle-axe, looked somewhat disappointed, but he moved forward anyway.
Much to Duo's chagrin, the pair remembered to close and lock the door behind them.
They staggered through the grime on the floor, Sorg, the larger of the two, caressing his whip.
All right then, Duo murmured. A drop of sweat ran down his temple and snagged on the edge of his cheesy grin. We each get another go, with the guards watching so they know we don't cheat. Wufei, I'll count to three, and you spit. Duo blinked twice at his partner and looked pointedly at a spot on the floor.
For one moment of vengeful glee, Wufei thought Duo wanted him to spit on the axe man, then he realized he should simply spit short or find out himself if the blade was really as sharp as it looked.
Duo continued, Afterward, you count to three and I'll spit.
Wufei was about to protest but he stopped himself when he saw the eager look on the half-orcs' faces. If he refused to play along, both the rouges would get whipped. You better not beat me, Maxwell.
Chance has a lot to do with it, Duo replied with a wink. This phrase was a long-establishes sign between the two of them that Duo would do something to throw the game in Wufei's favor. If Duo were to win, the phrase would be It's all a matter of skill. He said, Ready? One . . . two . . . three!
Wufei let fly with the spittle, which came dangerously close to striking the axe man after all. With an awkward leap, sending him into his partner, Horkle avoided the glob. It landed a measly four feet from the wall.
My gosh, what a spitter! Duo gushed dramatically.
Thank you, Wufei said in suspicion, eying the whip warily. Lets hope you've not got any cheating loogies in that cursed mouth of your Maxwell.
Duo replied, leaning dangerously close to Wufei, his mouth open and dripping displaying the dribble like contents. Loogies are made of phlegm, which, being denser than spittle, flies faster and farther, as any sixteen-year-old knows.
Wufei agreed. He took a deep breath, bracing for the whip. One . . . two . . . three!
The hocker left Duo's lips with a melodramatic flutter, then tumbled like a wingless bird and spattered on the ground, just short of the mark.
Ha ha! Wufei shouted in amazed relief.
Duo cried as the lash struck him across the belly, raising a red welt.
Whoo whoo! yelled Sorg, coiling the whip again.
said Horkle, unimpressed.
Not fair, not fair, Duo panted. I have a divided septum, and a ligamented tongue and a pickled parsnip and a split infinitive and a bituperous longitudinal axis, not to mention enough cold sores to fill an ogre's mouth. See? He opened his mouth wide for the guards' inspection. He had, in truth, none of these things, but, straining their beady eyes in the darksome air, the guards nodded sagely. I demand another spit-off!
blurted Sorg, the whip jiggling in his grip.
Higher stakes this time, Duo cried. Whoever loses gets his finger cut off by Horkle's axe.
Wufei sputtered.
Horkle shrugged, a smile creeping across his face. He quietly murmured, It was Sorg's turn to be left out.
So, Horkle--who's gonna win this? Duo asked with a grin.
The half-orc considered. The black hair. He pointed to Wufei, the boys eyes closed in defeat.
You think he'll win the whole thing or just this spit? Duo pressed.
Duo's eyes gleamed as he grinned down at the half-orcs. And how much are you willing to bet on this weakling here?
Three . . . um, his eyes darted toward his fellow guard, stinginess warring with pride. Three judges.
Three measly coppers? Duo exclaimed with a laugh. He nodded toward Wufei. Is that all this man's finger is worth to you?
Bet's are off! Wufei blurted, trying his luck at kicking his braided partner. He only managed to swing himself for a few seconds. Pendulum Wufei.
Sorg'll put up a silver against your puny coppers! Duo claimed with a wink at the greener of the two beasts.
Sorg replied smugly. I'll put in a silver. He tossed a silver to the ground. Horkle grudgingly did the same. Both leaned forward with a grunt. Let's have it then, They chorused.
Duo took a deep breath and looked from Wufei to a point on the ground only a foot or two farther than the last glob of saliva. Alright Wu-man? One. . . two. . . three!
Wufei did not spit.
Duo sputtered uselessly for a few seconds then snarled at his friend and partner. What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to spit!
I refuse to go first this time Maxwell, Wufei stated primly.
Don't even try to cheat with these rules. I'll go first next time. Now don't go ruining the guys's fun, they've got good money resting on that bruised little finger of yours.Come on old buddy, just trust me. The evil grin that spread across Duo's face after this request didn't do much to alleviate Wufei's worries. In fact, I'm pretty sure he hadn't just shivered from the cold air of the cell and his lack of clothing. Now go this time. One. . . two. . . three!
The writhing mass of spit flew four feet, and landed right where Duo had indicated it should land. Without even drawing another breath Duo let his own spit fly. It skimmed over Wufei's mark and landed a good foot farther.
Wufei squealed in a mixture of anger and surprise. Maxwell! You are a traitor!
Looks like you lost your silver now dincha? Sorg grinned, dragging the coins across the dirty floor with a mangled yellow toenail.
That's rottener than a trolls bum, Horkle ruminated. His thick, meaty lower lip quivered with disappointment as he watched the coins skitter across the floor towards Sorg. But with a shake of his head he forgot all about it and turned to the boys hefting his axe. At least I get a finger from this.
Another strange sound crawled its way from Wufei's gapping mouth as he ran through in his head the many ways he could kill his trustworthy partner.
Now just wait a second here, cried Duo. If you cut off that finger than your moneys gone for good. Why don't you just add that diseased finger of his to the pot and go a few more rounds, all or nothing!
Horkle grunted with pleasure.
Wufei released a heavy sigh and color returned to his cheeks.
Raise the stakes, Duo cried. This time it's our right legs. Loser's leg is chopped off by the corresponding loser of you guys. Duo blinked and waited to see if the orcs understood then continued with a grin. Now, what's a right leg to you two? Silver or gold?
Wufei's face once again drained itself of color. Are you insane you braided baka?!
No less than a golden crownpiece for this one, Sorg said, tossing in the coin.
Horkle frowned as he saw his gold land beside Sorg's but then turned his gaze to the hanging rouges and laughed. Spit your hearts out boys.
It's all a matter of luck, Duo said. This time he led the spit and Wufei, predictably, won.
How about one more time? Duo shouted brightly before his leg could be collected by the disgruntled Sorg. I've got another leg after all and wouldn't you rather have them as a pair? My arms can go just as easily. I think that oughta all even out at about five gold from each of you.
The mound of bets grew steadily as time passed; Wufei's distress and heart rate grew along with it. A spitting of six feet. Seven, ten, and a twelve footer.
Well, as it stands right now, Duo murmured as though working out the count, you're gonna cut of Wufei's arms and legs, rip out his heart, fillet his liver, and use his ribs as a xylophone. Duo's grin spread itself wider as he winked down at the pair. Would either of you be interested in a trophy head of the rare and exotic Wufei?
Both half-orcs nodded vigorously, hands clenched at their sides to keep from taking their due right then and there. Wufei's only response was to sniff disdainfully and study the way the rats had built their metropolis in the corner.
Okay, then, Duo said. Empty your pockets, fellows--everything on your body goes into this final pot. Duo blinked in surprise as the two half-orcs obediently started to strip of their clothes. No! Please don't! I meant everything in your pockets. He breathed a sigh of relief as the orcs resumed their previous state of dress and dug into their pockets.
The half-orcs disgorged not only money, but balls of twine, toenail clippings, a shrunken head, a couple round stones, a broken knife, dice with the sides ground down, a mouse's skull, three barkless twigs, and a half-eaten liverwurst sandwich. It was actually quite an impressive mountain of trash, one that each half-orc guarded jealously from the other. Clearly, the mild little spitting wager had blossomed into a game of life and death, at least by half-orc standards.
Wufei was quite aware of the meaning between the tense glares the guards threw at each other. The rancid cheese from the liverwurst sandwich had started knocking out the rats in the corner, and he was now watching Duo with the same interest he had eyed the rats. Are you just trying to kill us Maxwell?
I told you to trust me Wu-man. Have my plans ever backfired before? he whispered.
Wufei looked around the dungeon, undeniable proof they had. Often.
Just make sure your spit lands right on mine Wufei.
A tie? Wufei hissed. They'll kill us both!
They'll kill each other my friend, Duo countered with a wink and a grin.
the half-orcs chimed. What you guys talking
I was just telling him not to lose his head, Duo said simply.
Horkle snorted with a half-orcs version of laughter, but Sorg poked him in the ribs with the handle of his whip. Just get to your spitting.
One. . . two. . . three!
In an all-out effort, Duo spit a whopping thirteen feet.
Sorg shouted out in glee, thinking Wufei would never be able to top this magical feat. Might as well pay up now Horkle! he said, dropping to his knees and wrapping his arms greedily round the pile.
Not yet, Horkle grumbled as he slammed his meaty fist repeatedly on Sorg's back and pulled him back by his side. The spitting's not done yet.
Quite right, Duo said fairly. Let's give this sad little loser his chance to spit. Ready? One. . . two. . . three!
It was art in motion. The pulsing blob tumbled in a gentle, acrobatic arc , flying past the two half-orcs holding their breath, soared over the track of other, lesser drops of drool until it reached Duo's magnificent mark. There, it seemed to float in indecision before it fell with a soft plop, smack dab on the top of Duo's spittle.
I won! shouted Duo and Wufei together.
I won! echoed Horkle and Sorg, scrabbling for the mountain before them.
You did not! they all cried out at their mistaken foes.
The battle that followed was spectacular, as far as dungeon brawls between two half-orcs go that is. The two dove for the money first thing, only to encounter each other's head halfway to the goal. Their faces fell right on the filthy pile of junk, and their hands waved wildly about, half grabbing, half punching. Horkle was the first to his feet, and he struck Sorg across the crown with the flat of his axe. A bell-tone rang through the small, enclosed space, filling the room for a stunned moment. In the next moment, though, the weapon clattered to the ground as Sorg wrapped his bullwhip around his brother's throat.
Kill him, Sorg! He cheated! Kill Duo crowed.
A smirk making it's way across his face, Wufei hollered, Don't let that weakling get you, Horkle. You're better than him by half!
The half-orcs stumbled in a mock charge towards each other, stepping into the scattered mound, where they both slipped. Their feet went opposite directions, though their arms still clung together; they looked like some hideous, two-headed monster that had managed to do the splits only to tear itself in half as a reward. Both broke their falls with their faces, add broken noses and bruises to their already grotesque visages.
Drag him over here, Sorg. I'll kick him in the head for ya! Duo called out, swinging his legs wildly in an effort to do the kicking from even this distance.
Bring him this way, Horkle. I'll teach him not to defy you like that!
Dutifully, each guard struggled to yank his partner to the grime encrusted wall where the rouges were now swinging. A grunt, a rattle of chains, and the sound of swinging legs, a pair of dull thuds, and the two half-orcs fell to the floor, eyes twirling.
I did it! Duo shouted as though amazed. It worked! And you said my plans never work. He stuck his tongue out at Wufei and blew a raspberry.
Wufei didn't even glance at him, only looking cooly down at the guards sleeping below them
Yeah Wu-man?
We're still hanging. In chains. With the keys on the floor--quite out of reach.
Duo agreed. He pursed his lips once again and glared at a point far in the distance.
So what do you plan on doing Duo?! Wufei hollered.
Duo just sighed and shook his head. Give me a minute, will ya? That was only half of my plan.
Wufei blinked at his partner. So what's the second half?
I'm working on it, Duo replied with a rolling of his eyes. He suddenly brightened. So, we've used our spit. What else did you say you had Wu-man?
Wufei grumbled something about feminine bakas with braids before he replied. All we haven't used is my breechcloth!
Wufei froze as he realized what had just left his lips. Hi eyes flew to the braided rouge beside him and widened at the wry smile and evil glow of his partners eyes.
Oh, no, Wufei groaned, not my breechcloth.
Oh, yes! Duo exclaimed with a snicker. It's the only way we'll be saved!
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