"QUICK SQUIRMING, YOU BAMBLUSTERING FIGILANTIS JIGGLETANDRIUS!"

I have no idea what any of that means, Ozzie mused as he dodged an incoming dart that impaled the wooden wall just a centimeter shy of his waist, but it sounds absolutely disgusting.

Let's be real here. This was not what the middle-aged opossum had in mind for tonight's date. Then again when had anything they planned ever went down as expected?

Oh, by the way, they were coming up on a dead end.

Ozzie's light-blue eyes darted to RJ, the one directly responsible for this entire madness, and would have gawked at the raccoon's cool-as-ice smirk if not for having to dodge the shattered remains of a bottle and a half-chewed banana in the space of three seconds. Eugh, seriously, did humans have no sense of decorum?!

True to form, RJ did not miss a beat as he skidded to a stop, forcing his mate to do the same, and shot an excited glance at some spot on the floor. "Bingo! Look over there!"

Against his better judgement, Ozzie complied with his mate's (he refused to use the term 'boyfriend'—it sounded too juvenile) order. With a pointing finger, RJ directed the other male's attention to a loose board below them. The possum tossed him a questioning gaze as though asking if he were insane, to which RJ stretched his arms out in a hug-but-not-really fashion as his way of saying 'cuz why not?'

Alas, as much as Ozzie would have loved to continue this nonverbal debate, the stomping clomps of an angry redheaded amusement park owner's high boots had come to a stop right behind them. Turning around to face their aggravated opponent, Ozzie stuck an arm out in front of RJ out of protective instinct—not that it would do much against whatever ammo this gaudy human had but you can't blame a possum for trying.

"Always the one for old-fashioned shit, huh babe?"

Halfway through his umpteenth eyeroll for today, Ozzie felt the raccoon wrap an arm around his waist and tug him back into a jump just before the human slammed down a broom from who knows where onto the space the two of them had been just a moment ago. Ozzie, realizing what was about to happen, barely managed to secure himself to RJ's hips in return before the loose floor board beneath them spring up the end they were standing on and sent the pair skyrocketing.

And yes, Ozzie screamed. Quite loudly in fact.

In fact, a coherent part of the possum not overwhelmed with fright was 80% percent certain he had rendered RJ deaf, which might explain why the raccoon smacked him a quick sloppy kiss near the apex of their arc, cutting off his scream instantly.

As much as the possum wished he could strangle this ring-tailed charlatan for being so blasé with everything, he couldn't stop his tail from winding around RJ's like a lovesick cobra cuddling a star-crossed mongoose. God, the power this man held over him...

And RJ, in classic Xanatos-esque fashion, cut the kiss off at that exact moment to grab hold onto the side of a rollercoaster track's vertical section right at the apex of the fall, right before gravity could send them slamming into the ground. Say whatever you want about RJ (at the risk of Ozzie lecturing you a new one), the raccoon knew showmanship.

One of these days Ozzie intended to get this wonderful man on stage.

Then again, being a showoff meant the whole world was RJ's stage. Case in point: as he lugged his and Ozzie's combined weight onto the platform like an action hero.

Or at least tried.

Ozzie, calmed down enough by the kiss and the revelation they weren't dead, patiently waited through five seconds of watching the raccoon struggle to lift them up with one arm before latching onto the side with one hand to lift himself onto the track and then helping RJ up with the other. As adorable as the raccoon was whenever he acted macho, those antics were better suited for level ground.

"Well now. That's probably what I get for gorging myself on those donuts from the stands earlier," Ozzie commented as he dusted off his torso as though it were a fancy suit.

Despite his supine spread-eagle position, RJ blew a raspberry at the night sky. "My man, there is no such thing as too many donuts. Now then." He reached his hands up like a child asking to be picked up. "Could you carry me, Hon?"

Okay, scratch that; the simile had become reality. The raccoon's little pout did not help. "Pretty please?"

And there went the millionth sigh Ozzie committed since the beginning of this relationship. RJ better thanks his stars he had plenty of charm or else the possum would have...would have...

Okay, I have nothing.

With a fond sigh, he walked over and picked up RJ bridal-style. He scanned the tracks before he recognized the distant station that heralded the end of the ride. Fortunately, the way down wasn't too steep, so Ozzie took his time descending, ignoring (in vain) the way RJ idly stroked his snow-white chest while that striped tail draped around the marsupial's waist like a belt.

"You know something, Oz?" RJ murmured.

Ozzie pulled a curious face at the unusual timidity in RJ's voice, a sure sign something was preoccupying his mate's mind. "Yes darling?"

RJ held back a snicker. "Keep this to yerself, but...I kinda dig it when you treat me like some damsel outta your romance spiels."

Oh, do you now? The older mammal huffed in bemusement as he tossed his mate a smarmy half-smile, a look he picked up from yours truly. "How ironic. Usually, you're the one acting the hero between us while I am the one resigned to the role of the willowy love interest."

"Which you happen to enjoy very much," the masked bandit coyly returned. "You know you love it when I spoil ya like milk."

Ozzie tossed RJ a baffled and slightly disgusted stare as they reached the halfway point. "That simile doesn't make sense. Or sound appealing."

If not at risk of being dropped, RJ would have responded with a playful shove. Instead, he settled for poking his mate in the chest. "It's poetic word play, Ozzie! Not all of us can spin schmaltz like you!"

No sin could hope to match the devilish smirk the possum sported. "So, what you're saying is that you adore corrupting me."

RJ drooped his head backwards in an exaggerated manner, one arm following suit while the other draped over his forehead. "You enjoy being a tough crowd, don't you?"

"Only to see you draw your performance out," the possum sighed dotingly, "Your theatrics never fail to leave me in awe."

And coming from a seasoned thespian like him, that said quite a bit.

"Or rolling your eyes," RJ gently snarked as he lay his head on Ozzie's chest, admiring how the possum's figure shone against the starry backdrop of the night. "Whichever works."

The raccoon started at the feel of a long naked tail gently whipping his hindquarters.

"Oh hush."