Head of Hogwarts Castle
Disclaimer: I don't own Voldemort, any
of the Death Eaters, Hogwarts, or Dumbledore. They all belong to J.K. Rowling.
But you already knew that. Don't deny it. And the song 'King of Bedside Manor'
is owned by BNL. Yeparonies.
***
[Voldemort
and his faithful followers stared around proudly at the castle of Hogwarts, because they'd just taken over it.
Voldemort
was in a particularly good mood. It made him feel like singing. Which he did,
of course. After all, this wouldn't be a song parody if he didn't sing, would
it?
So,
Lucius got himself some Conga drums and a tambourine, while Peter shakily took
up the double bass, Crabbe and Goyle picked up some shakers (which was probably
asking a bit too much of them), and Nott sat down behind a drum set, ready to
play them with the handles of the two axes he had been carrying around. And
finally, Voldemort picked up a guitar and started to play…then he began to sing
a song about Dumbledore]
Voldemort: You know he was just the
kind of man
Who
liked to see kids safe and sound;
All
snug and happy in their beds.
So
he was always calm
And
always patient
And
not ready when we came around.
All Death Eaters: You know he's not the head
of Hogwarts castle! He's not the Headmaster behind the hidden door! He's not
the head of Hogwarts castle! He's not even living anymore!
Guy in the back (not
singing):
Um, actually, he is still alive…
[Voldemort
ignores this obviously foolish man's statement and issues for the song to
continue]
Lucius: Voldie said, Excuse me, I hope you don't mind but I' m
taking over this castle now and if you resist, well, I'll just take my wand and
POW you won't even exist!
Voldemort (not singing,
though they're still playing the music): Idiot! I said not to call me Voldie anymore! CRUCIO!
[Lucius
falls to the ground howling in pain while Voldemort laughs insanely. Peter did
the only thing he could think of doing at a time like this: sing]
Peter (singing over
Voldemort's cackles and Lucius's screams): Well he's subtle in his speeches and he
wishes he had wool socks! He says words that make no sense and he's quite the
Mr. Magoo!
A Death Eater (not singing): Um, I don't think Mr. Magoo
actually fits his description—
Voldemort (not singing,
either): We
don't care! It rhymes! CRUCIO!
[the
Death Eater screams in pain and Voldemort laughs]
Peter (still singing over
the noise): You
know he was quite a teacher, quite a Headmaster, not so long ago. But now he's
mortally wounded and we don't think he'll pull through.
Guy in the back (still not
singing):
He's getting better, actually…
Death Eaters (ignoring the
last remark):
He's not the head of Hogwarts castle! He's not the Headmaster behind the hidden
door! (Peter: You mean gargoyle.
Behind a gargoyle.) He's not the head of Hogwarts castle! And he won't be
living by the time we're done!
Guy in the back (he ain't
singing):
He probably could pull through…
Crabbe and Goyle (singing
stupidly):
You know he opened up his curtains at the crack of dawn…
Nott: …Just to see if there were
still people from Beauxbatons…
Voldemort (still in his
maniacal CRUCIO spree, and not singing): Fool! That made no sense! CRUCIO!
Crabbe and Goyle: …from a country that was
kind of far from good old Scot of Land!
Voldemort (still CRUCIOing
innocent people and not singing): Morons! CRUCIO!
[Crabbe
and Goyle shriek with pain like little schoolgirls]
Peter: He says to himself he's got
his wealth and that's as much as he needs anyway!
Death Eaters: You know he's not the head
of Hogwarts castle! He's not the Headmaster behind the hidden door! (Peter: I'm pretty sure it was a
gargoyle…) He's not the head of Hogwarts castle! He's…well he's…definitely not,
anymore!
Guy in the back: He's regaining
consciousness!
Peter: He's not the head of
Hogwarts castle! He's not the head of Hogwarts castle! He definitely isn't the
Headmaster, anymore!
Death Eaters: STICKY!
Peter: Mudbloods are really stupid,
so we kill them!
Death Eaters: We said Mudbloods!
Voldemort (finally singing):
Mudbloods!
Death Eaters: Mudbloods!
Voldemort: Mudbloods!
Death Eaters: Mudbloods, mudbloods,
mudbloods, mudbloods, mudbloods!
Voldemort: Mudbloods, mudbloods,
mudbloods, mudbloods, mudbloods, mudbloods!
Peter: He's not the head, he's not
the head, he's not the head…
Death Eaters: …OF HOGWARTS CASTLE!!
Guy in the back: But he's still alive!!
Voldemort (pointing wand at
Dumbledore): AVADA
KEDAVRA!
[guy
in the back feels for Dumbledore's pulse]
Guy in the back: Oh, well, he's dead now,
anyways…
[A
few miles away, Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat, blinking at Hogwarts and
wondering what sparked that very stupid scene they just saw. Harry broke the
silence.]
Harry: On second thought, let's not go back to Hogwarts. It is a silly
place.
[Ron
and Hermione nod and they all go riding into the sunset]
***
A/N: SUGAR IS YUMMY!! *cough*
Just thought I'd share that with you. Uh…yeah. Sorry if there's some Monty
Python lines in there. I just watched the Quest for the Holy Grail for like the
fifty millionth time (actually, only the ninth time, but okay). Hee hee! Please
review! *glares* What? You won't
review? Well, if you don't review, then I shall be forced to say 'NI!', to you!
You're still not reviewing?! Alright,
you asked for it…NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! Okay, now I'm scaring myself.
toodles,
Ron Weasley's Cutie
