She was going to kill Lucrezia Noin when she got back; it
was such a stupid idea to take the guys to a psychiatrist. Now they were pissed
at her and she hadn't done anything. Catherine's lax schedule at the circus had
made her the only available one to drive the guys to their first psychiatrist
appointment. Catherine had an idea that the psychiatrist would be the one
needing a shrink by the end of the appointments.
~In the back seats~
"Why are we
going there again?" Duo Maxwell whined. Long car trips and extensive Gameboy
use made him edgy.
"To find
out why you insist on wearing your hair in that absurd fashion," Wufei Chang
said dryly, as he delicately ran a blade of a knife along his seat belt. It
almost cut through and Wufei went back to sharpening it.
"Aw, you're
just jealous because my hair's sexier than yours," Duo said.
"Hardly,"
Wufei snorted and tested his knife again. "Almost perfect."
"We
shouldn't be fighting at all!" Quatre Reberba Winner whimpered and glanced at
his best friend, Trowa Barton for back up.
"You're
upsetting Quatre," Trowa said patted Quatre's shoulder comfortingly.
"How come
you only talk to defend Quatre," Duo responded. Trowa glared at Duo and Quatre
giggled happily.
"Giggling
is weak," Wufei said and cut through his seat belt with his knife. "Finally! I
have sharpened my blade to perfection!"
"Hello
Heero," Relena Peacecraft purred, blinking her eyes at Heero Yuy in a
ridiculous fashion.
"D'you got
something in your eye?" Duo asked and 'helpfully' swatted her eye with the end
of his braid.
"How the
hell did you get here Relena?" Heero asked emotionlessly as he shoved Relena's
hand off of his.
"I followed
you of course! You know what the doctor's prescription is going to be? That you
marry me!" Relena chirped brightly and tried to hug Heero. Heero shot into the
front seat so fast, he was a green blur.
"Are we
there YET?" Duo demanded, losing interest in pulling Relena's hair.
"Uh-huh.
I'll be back to pick you up in a few hours! See ya!" Catherine sped out of
there so quickly the tires left marks on the concrete.
"I guess
she thinks hospitals are depressing," Duo marked as the others started up the
stairs with him.
~In the waiting room~
"And Quatre
Reberba Winner," Quatre said pleasantly to the young receptionist as he
finished signing them in. "And we had a tag-a-long, Relena Peacecraft."
"Gotcha,"
The receptionist snapped her gum and waved to the waiting room. "Y'all can wait
here for the doctor."
Duo sauntered
over to the desk and winked at her, "Do you know what winks and screws like a
tiger?" He winked cheekily at her.
The
receptionist blinked up at him and said sweetly, "No, but I bet you could tell
me."
"Is Duo
hitting on the receptionist?" Heero snorted in disgust.
"Of course.
If it's alive and in a skirt, Duo will hit on it," Trowa responded.
"AAA! We're
going to be speaking to a WOMAN?" Wufei yelled. He had wandered over to the
wall where a bunch of certificates hung. All read Dr. Marilyn Reese.
"Ooh, is
she single and sexy?" Duo asked. The receptionist shot him a dirty look and
turned back to her computer. Seeing he was losing her interest, he added, "Is
she as sexy as you, babe? 'Cause I don't think anything's as sexy as you." The
receptionist smiled back up at him.
Quatre
yelped and dropped the magazine he had been flipping through. "What's wrong,
Quatre-chan?" Trowa asked, picking up the magazine Quatre had been looking at.
"They-they
talk about sex," Quatre whispered the last word as if it was the
dirtiest, evilest, foulest word in the world.
"Speaking
of sex," Duo said, smiling at the receptionist seductively.
Relena smiled
in what she thought was a charming way (she looked like dead fish that had been
pecked to death) at Heero. "Heero, do you think I'm hot?"
"No," Heero
answered shortly and picked up a magazine. Raising an eyebrow, he said, "Now
wonder it talked about sex. These are all Redbook magazines."
Just then a
tall woman with graying blond hair walked in and said shortly, "I'm ready for
my first patient."
The
receptionist glanced at her computer screen, "That would be Trowa Barton."
Trowa stood
up and followed her into the hall and into and office. Out in the waiting room
he heard Duo yell, "Let's play strip poker!"
~In the office~
"All right,
I'm going to do some tests and ask you some questions, okay?" the doctor said
and sat down, gesturing to the seat in front of her. Trowa sat and stared at
her.
"Okay,
first of all let's do the inkblot test. I'll hold up a card with an inkblot on
it and you tell me what first comes to mind when you see it. Now then," Dr.
Reese held up the first card.
"Black
ink."
"Okay," she
scribbled something down.
"Navy blue
ink."
"Mmm-hmmm."
Scribble scribble.
"Black ink
with a tendency towards brown at the edges."
"Uh-okay."
The doctor laid the cards down and said, "Now I'm going to say a word and you
tell me what first comes to mind."
"Love."
"Quatre."
"Family."
"The
others."
"Sexual."
"Quatre."
The doctor
coughed before saying, "Work."
"Heavyarms."
"Lips."
"Words.'
"Hands."
"Handshake."
"Peace."
"Quiet.
"War."
"Pain."
"All right,
that's enough of that. Now, why don't you tell me a little about you're life?"
Dr. Reese added more to her scribblings.
"I was born
and it was to late to give me back."
"Ah, well,
then why don't we go join the group?" Dr. Reese said and stood. Trowa followed
suit and headed back into the waiting room.
~In the waiting room~
A shocking
site met Trowa and the doctor's eyes. The guys, Relena and the receptionist
were sitting in a circle all in various stages of undressing. Heero and Wufei
were shirtless, Quatre was sockless (Wimp!), Duo was in his boxers and the
receptionist and Relena were fully clothed, minus their jewelry (Wimpier
wimps!). "Um, Quatre, its your turn," Trowa said. The six card players looked
up guiltily. Quatre pulled on his shoes and socks, and jumped up cheerfully.
"Hey Trowa,
you can take Quatre's place. We finally got him to bet his shirt," Duo said as
Trowa sat down.
"Would you
believe they wouldn't let me bet my shoelaces?" Quatre asked in an injured tone
as he followed the doctor.
"AAA!"
Everyone yelled. It appeared Duo had just lost that round and had paid his bet
with a flourish.
~In the office~
"Okay,
inkblot one."
"Sunshine
and flowers!"
"Hearts and
flowers!"
"Smiles and
flowers!" Quatre cried enthusiastically as the doctor laid down the final card.
"This game is fun! What next?"
"Love?"
"Trowa and
flowers."
"Family?"
"The
others, my sisters, the Magunacs, and flowers."
"Sexual?"
"Trowa and
flowers."
"Work?"
"Sandrock
and flowers."
"Lips?"
"Smiles and
flowers."
"Hands?"
"Clapping
and flowers."
"Peace?"
"Happiness
and flowers."
"War?"
"Pain and
no flowers."
"Would you
like to tell me about your life?"
"My sisters
tried to turn me into a girl and then I learned how to pilot a Gundam and retaliated.
Then I was in a war and went psycho. And then I met Trowa and I became sane
again."
Dr. Reese
coughed, "Ahem, er okay, so you like Trowa and flowers?"
"Love, not like," Quatre
corrected.
"Ah yes, how silly of me. What say we go join the others?"
~In the waiting room~
"Jer-ry,
Jer-ry!" Duo yelled as Wufei and Relena's argument grew louder and more
violent, at least on Relena's part. Wufei refused to touch her although he kept
yelling enough insults to make up for that.
"You
stupid, baka, onna! You did SO try to play Footsie with me!"
"I did NOT
you big jerk! I was playing Footsie with HEERO!"
"Heero is
in the bathroom, you deranged home-wrecking onna!"
"What do
you MEAN home-wrecking?"
"You're destroying Heero's
life and everyone else's in the process!"
"Heero
loves me! He's just to shy to say anything!" Relena screamed.
"Um,
Wufei?" It's your turn," Quatre yelled over the noise.
"Oh, is
it?" Wufei said calmly and wrenched his arm out of Relena's range (she had been
trying to inflict pain on him). "I'm ready."
~In the office~
"A woman
serving a man, the supreme ruler of the world and universe."
"A woman
bowing to a man, the supreme ruler of the world and universe."
"(Gulp)
Nataku."
The doctor
scribbled on her notepad and said, "Love?"
"A weak
feeling."
"Family?"
"Weak
people."
"Sexual?"
"A weak
feeling."
"Work?"
"Something
only the strong can do."
"Lips?"
"Words of
justice."
"Hands?"
"Servers of
justice."
"Peace?"
"A weak
period in history."
"War?"
"Pain and
strength."
"Would you
like to tell me about your life?"
"I was born
a scholar. I got married. My wife died. I became a warrior and server of
justice. And now I'm here talking to a weak woman." Wufei glared at the doctor
who calmly wrote something in her notes.
"Oh yes,
and your friend Duo wanted me to ask you something. What role does a certain
Sally Po play in your life?"
"MAXWELL!
KISAMA!" Wufei grabbed his sword and ran charging out of the office, the doctor
following in his wake.
~In the waiting room~
"Yeesh, Wu-man
calm down! It was a JOKE! Whoa, watch where you swing that thing!"
"Come down
and fight like a man, you weakling!" Wufei had Duo cornered up on a tall filing
cabinet and was swinging his sword at Do's feet.
"Yes, do
come down Mr. Maxwell. It's your turn," Dr. Reese said dryly.
"Save me!"
Duo screamed as Wufei's sword sliced a centimeter of his braid off.
"Damn, I
missed him!" Wufei snapped angrily.
Duo charged
into the doctor's office.
~In the office~
"My braid."
"Wufei
turning into a girl."
"Me and my
braid conquering Wufei-turned-girl."
The doctor
coughed and said quickly, "Love."
"Sex and my
braid."
"Family."
"The others
and my braid."
"Sexual?"
"Me and my
braid."
"Work?"
"Braiding
my hair."
"Lips?"
"Kiss and
my braid.'
"Hands?"
"Pleasure
and braiding my hair."
"Peace?"
"Having
Hilde braid my hair."
"War?"
"Pain and
me being braid less (Shudder)."
"Ah, would
you like to tell me about your life?"
"I was born
and grew long hair. Then I discovered braids and its been my life ever since."
Duo fingered his infamous braid lovingly. "Aaa! Split-ends! I need Wufei's
knife to trim it!" Duo charged out of the office. "Wufei, hey Wufei! Can I use
your knife?"
~In the waiting room~
"Mr. Yuy,
you can not enter the office until you out the gun down," Dr. Reese said
patiently.
"Don't make
me set off my bomb," Heero said darkly.
"You won't
intimidate me with suicide threats."
"Who said
anything about suicide? That bomb will blow you all to kingdom come. I will of
course, survive, being the Perfect Solider I am."
"Death
threats will not sway me."
Heero used
the patented Yuy Death Glare on her. "Omae o korosu."
"Very well.
Follow me."
"Heero!
Don't leave me!" Relena threw herself at Heero's feet.
"Go to
hell," Heero said and kicked her off unfeelingly. Trowa and Quatre held her
back as Heero followed the doctor.
~In the office~
"Guns."
"Bombs and
other explosives."
"Relena's
bloody and brutal death."
Dr. Reese
examined her notes, and then said, "Love?"
"Never
heard of it."
"Family?"
"Never
heard of it."
"Sexual?"
"Duo's
Playboy subscription."
"Work?"
"Being the
Perfect Solider."
"Lips?"
"Death
threats."
"Hands?"
"Trigger-pullers."
"Peace?"
"Never
heard of it."
"War?"
"Pain."
Dr. Reese
groaned inwardly and asked, "Would you like to tell me about your life?"
"What
life?"
"That's an
interesting response. Why do you feel you have no life"?
"I'm the
Perfect Solider. That takes a lot of work and doesn't leave any spare time for
a social life or any other kind of life. If you don't let me leave now, I'll
send you straight to hell."
"I've
already been there and back." Heero blinked at her, then stormed out of the
office.
~In the waiting room~
"Oh Heero!
You've come back to me!" Relena jumped up and threw herself dramatically at
Heero. Heero stepped on her on his way to the water fountain.
"Heero,
didn't you miss me?" Relena sniffed, dragging herself over to the water
fountain and glomping him.
"No."
"What did
you tell her about our relationship?"
"Nothing,
since we don't have one."
"You're in
denial," Relena said and blew him a kiss as Wufei and Duo dragged her into the
psychiatrist's office.
~In the office~
"Me and
Heero getting married."
"Me and
Heero ruling the world."
"Me and
Heero ruling the universe."
Dr. Reese
raised an eyebrow at her, scribbled and said, "Love?"
"Heero."
"Family?"
"Heero."
"Sexual?"
"Heero."
"Work?"
"Stalking
Heero."
"Lips?"
"Kissing
Heero."
"Hands?"
"Glomping
Heero."
"Peace?"
"Part of
Heero's future surname."
"War?"
"Heero, the
Perfect Solider."
Dr. Reese's
eyebrows almost hit her hair line as she wrote down more notes, before saying,
"What can you tell me about your life?"
" I spend
my days thinking about Heero. Talking about Heero. Planning to marry Heero.
Picking names for our kids. Talking about Heero. Talking to Heero. Getting in
Heero's way. Stalking Heero. Planning how to kill all his crazed fans so I
don't have any competition. Planning our wedding. Planning our wedding night-,"
Relena stopped and shrieked. "Why am I telling YOU this? I need my Hee-chan!"
Relena ran out of the room screaming, "Heero! Heero, I love you! Heero, marry
me! Heero do anything to me you want!"
The doctor
shook her head. "Poor girl. I'll have to have her committed sooner or later."
~In the waiting room~
Relena was
glomping Heero who was trying to kill her. Duo was trying to hit on the
receptionist again and having little success. Quatre was talking to Trowa who
was staring into space and ignoring him. Wufei was meditating in a corner. The
doctor was trying unsuccessfully to get their attention.
Finally
when she screamed, 'I've got food!" did everyone look at her. The doctor, clam
now that she had their attention, said, "A lunch is being served in the
cafeteria if you would like something to eat before the second session of your
therapy. It's a group therapy session, just so you know."
Everyone
stared at each blankly for a moment, and then began a mad dash to the
cafeteria.
~In the cafeteria~
"Mmm, this
GREEN APPLE is so YUMMY!" Relena yelled biting into it with relish. Heero
ignored her and began stabbing the pizza Duo had insisted he try on his plate.
"Trowa! How
can you eat that hamburger? An animal had to DIE for that quarter-pound of meat
on your plate! Now, aren't you ashamed of yourself? Here, try some of this
fruit salad." Quatre threw Trowa's plate in the trash and placed some of his
own fruit onto Trowa's now empty plate. Trowa gazed helplessly after his
hamburger.
"How come
you're not eating Wu-man? The food isn't THAT bad!" Duo said, slurping down his
third milkshake.
Wufei, who
had watched Duo eat a pizza, three hamburgers, a bowl of spaghetti, five
meatballs, three cartons of fries, seven baked potatoes and drink three
milkshakes, said looking a little green, "They didn't have any rice or tea."
Duo
shrugged, "Your loss. Hey, would you lend me some cash? I want to buy some ice
cream and I'm a little short of money-,"
Wufei
shoved the money at Duo. "Please. Buy all the food you can with this and eat it
far away from me."
"Really?
Awesome, thanks Wufei!" With an elated grin, Duo walked back over to the snack
counter.
~In the group session
room~
"All right,
now that you've all refreshed yourselves with some food and drink, let's begin
the second part of our session." Dr. Reese said and sat down in the first of a
circle of chairs. "I'd like for you all to choose a seat so we can begin."
"You crummy
bastard, get out of the way! I wanna sit next to Heero!" Relena yelled at
Quatre. Quatre turned pale and hurriedly moved out of the way. Everyone else
found a seat without much argument.
"Okay, this
is a chance for you to air problems and disagreements you've had in the past.
If someone asks you a question, you must answer truthfully. Everything said in
this room is confidential and isn't to go past the four walls. Understood?" The
six nodded. "Just pretend I'm not here. Quatre, would you like to start?"
"Me?"
Quatre looked terrified. "I don't have any problems!"
"I think
you do. From my notes, you seem to have an odd association with flowers," Dr.
Reese said seriously.
"I do NOT
have an odd association with flowers! FLOWERS KICK ASS!" Quatre screamed.
Everybody stared in shock. Quatre had cussed and screamed-who'd had ever
thought they'd see the day?
"As long as
we're registering complaints," Duo said, the familiar grin spreading across his
face, "I have a serious problem with Wufei. Why the hell won't you braid your
hair?"
"Braids are
weak things only women indulge in," Wufei said, glaring at Duo.
"Why do you
hate women so much?" Duo persisted in a wheedling tone. "Is it because you're
gay? Or is it because you don't succeed when you hit on 'em?"
"I AM NOT
GAY!" Wufei screamed and grabbed his sword out of nowhere. "AND I DO NOT 'HIT'
ON WOMEN! KISAMA!" Duo squealed and ran out of the room, Wufei close on his
heels.
The doctor
coughed and said, "Well, then, that certainly was a productive discussion. Does
anyone else have any problems they'd like to discuss?"
"I do!"
Relena squealed and wrapped her arms around Heero as she said, "Why can't you
asked me to marry you Heero?"
"BECAUSE
YOU'RE A PSYCHOPATH THAT CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL FOR ALL I CARE!" Heero
screamed and pointed his gun at her, "Omae o korosu!"
"No need
for such foul language, Mr. Yuy," the doctor said calmly.
"If you
don't have her committed, I'm gonna KILL HER! JUST SEE IF I DON'T!" Heero
yelled.
"Ah, yes
that brings me to my next topic before you leave. Miss Peacecraft, I'm terribly
sorry, but your obsessive behavior over Heero Yuy has gone from an innocent
crush into obsessive insanity. We will have to admit you into the mentally
disturbed ward," Dr. Reese said seriously.
Heero fell
to his knees and spreading his arms wide open, looked up at the heavens and said,
"Duo was right. There is a God!" (Imagine a light shining on Heero, and angels
singing 'Alleluia').
"NO! I
DON'T WANNA LEAVE MY HEE-CHAN!" Relena screeched in an earsplitting wail.
Everybody winced and somewhere the sound of breaking glass reached their ears.
Dr. Reese put her fingers to her mouth and blew a loud whistle. Four men in
white uniforms came and each grasped Relena by a limb as they carried her out
of the group session room. A second later Duo and Wufei ran back in the room,
each wearing ear-to-ear grins.
"Is this a
dream? Or did we just see four men in white walk by carrying a screaming Relena
away?" Duo asked eagerly.
"It's a
reality," Heero said seriously. "You were right about there being a God."
"YES!" Duo
yelled and slapped a high-five with everyone in the room. "Relena's gone
forever!" After a moment, everybody else joined in the joyous cheer.
"YAY!
RELENA'S GONE FOREVER!"
~In the waiting room~
Dr. Reese
stood in a corner talking to Catherine in a hushed voice. The boys were
threatening and arguing in their usual happy way. "Trowa has a severe
communicating disorder, I think that group therapy would be best for him.
Quatre seems to have very bitter feelings about being the only boy in his
family, I think just some counseling will be best for him. Wufei seems to have
an odd obsession with justice and he seems to feel inferior to women although
he acts like he does not. I suggest he spend some personal time with women and
learn that we are only human too. Duo is much too attached to his braid; I
think it might be a 'substitute parent' since he lost his at such a young age.
I suggest you cut it off and that he goes to some peer counseling. Heero is
much too violent for a boy his age; he should spend a week at our guidance
camp. And sadly, we had to commit Relena to the mentally disturbed ward," Dr.
Reese finished.
Catherine
grinned, "Wufei thinks he's inferior to women and Duo needs to cut his braid
off? And you're going to make Heero go to a camp for weapon-abusers? Ooh, we
ought to send them to the psychiatrists more often!"
"HAHAHA!
DIE MAXWELL, DIE!"
"Uh-oh. Do
you think I could make a weekly appointment for them?" Catherine asked, before
she rushed to Duo's aide.
The doctor
smiled slowly as Catherine pulled the hysterically laughing Wufei off of the
sobbing Duo. "I'm gonna get rich off these loonies," she said with happy sigh.
~A week later~
Trowa won't
shut up, Quatre has started calling women weak, Wufei is sobbing over every
little thing, Duo is trying to braid his new buzz cut and Heero is packing to
go to Camp Happiness. Relena is locked up in a straight jacket, in a padded
room where she mutters incessantly, "Heero, Heero, Heero." Needless to say,
there are many more psychiatrist appointments waiting for them in the near
future.
