Chapter 12- I've Been Better
It was the fast paced tuck and roll out of the bed that got his attention stirring that morning, followed by the quick and repetitive 'oh shit' flying out of her mouth that encouraged him to moan but a little in his very exhausted state.
"Will, come quick," flew out out the bedroom door sternly, loudly, and quite effectively, more padding of feet could be felt and heard on the floor as things moved towards Jay. Without warning the bedroom light on his side of the bed was turned on. Even in it's dimmed state and calm mood just the quick change in lighting in the room made Jay shutter, his whole body quivering and tightening as she bent down to be eye level with him.
"Hang on, Jay. Hold on. Will's coming," Hailey whispered, placing a hand on Jay's shoulder as she observed things. Jay could only make out a nod, a very faint one at that. He was definitely more on the asleep side of things, doing his very best to wake himself up and look at her, at the world, get his day started, but the struggle was very much real. As would be the case for the next several days, weeks, perhaps months even, getting up and being active was going to be a task. His brain truly struggled in the morning, getting itself out of a sleep state and into full force life mode. Jay had finally managed to twitch his fingers under the blankets and sheets by the time Will made it to the bedroom. Jay took comfort in feeling regular bedding under his hand, noting that he could not only feel it but identify what kind of material it was and associate that with his own belongings. He was back home in his bed, in case that had been forgotten at some point during the night.
"What happened," Will calmly spoke when he broke through the room.
"There's blood on his pillow," Hailey nervously spoke, pointing rather frantically to Jay's head before standing up, trying to get the full picture of what was going on. Prior to the immediate rise out of bed, Hailey had rolled over in her sleep, hand resting on Jay's pillow when her fingers touched something crusty and tacky. Opening her eyes and using her phone flashlight showed the red spots all over Jay's pillow, kicking her reaction into gear. The mention of blood was what finally woke Jay up, eyes going rather full and tired as he looked out into the day. He noted how close Will and Hailey were to his face, not a huge fan of that at all, but was too tired and worried about what was going on to protest.
"What," Jay groggily spoke, blinking a couple times to allow for the room to come back to him. Indeed he was back home, the wall color and bed frame around him bringing all of that back. The more he looked around the more he noted things, personal things that he recognized. It was all coming back to him and in a very welcoming way. It wasn't some deep dream, he actually did get home yesterday and had managed to sleep in his own bed all of last night. That was such a glorious thought that at first he'd forgotten the blood on the pillow thing and was totally tuned out to Will inspecting things and speaking possible ideas. Life, his home life, was flooding back to him. Immediately that morning routine was trying to kick itself in. He needed a cup of coffee, some kind of food because he was quite starving, and a good shower. He needed to change his clothes, walk around the apartment and observe all that he had missed the last ten days, he just wanted to have a normal morning. But all that instantly stopped when Will tugged on the dressings that were covering the central line area. Jay's attention went right back to reality and the pain and full remembrance of the previous night. It had been a rather terrible night, more hours spent awake and in pain and discomfort then actually asleep. It felt to be every hour, a check-in from Hailey and Will, questions about movement and medication and pain and keeping things relaxed and still, which was next to impossible when people keep bugging you. The pain meds never felt to be working right and the other medications that were designed to keep him rested and relaxed and his brain calm seemed to be doing everything but that. Part of Jay wondered if he truly was ready to go home, that perhaps he needed another week back at the hospital. Because, oddly enough, he felt more relaxed and confident in his progress there. Whatever level of ready and accomplishment he'd reached leading up to going home vanished overnight. He now wondered if he'd ever get out of this bed, walk on his own or leave the apartment. Going to the bathroom needed both Will and Hailey's assistance and was a whole ordeal. It wasn't like that back at Northwestern, so why was it such a struggle now. Jay would figure that out later, now properly pissed at Will who was slowly peeling the dressing off his neck and making everything hurt.
"That really hurts," Jay spoke as the last of the tape was freed.
"Sorry," Will replied, getting even closer to Jay's neck as he looked around. The suturing was still very much intact, but most certainly there was blood all around the incision. It wasn't uncommon for there to be a little bit of lingering blood and nothing appeared to be life threatening. After doing a quick once over of all the still glued incisions on top of Jay's head Will concluded that the central line area was the culprit for the blood.
"I think it's just from the central line. Nothing looks to be bad. It was probably the fact he rolled onto his side and pressed onto it, making it bleed a little. But everything looks fine." Hailey sighed, now feeling like a total creep for waking everyone up for absolutely nothing. None of them had a great night sleep overnight, all were up whenever Jay was or in need of help and medication boosts. She wished there was a way to back this whole thing out. She now looked down at Will who was in boxers and a hoodie thrown over his head, he hadn't even bothered to put pants on, they were all at that level of exhaustion. The more hilarious part was that Hailey didn't care that she was looking at her future brother-in-law in his underwear. They were at that level with everything.
"So what do we need to do," Jay finally spoke up for all of them, rubbing his eyes as he tried to sit up. That was immediately a bad idea. On top of the fact that his whole vision went blurry, four hands grabbed for his chest and pushed him deeper into bed.
"Nope, don't get up so quickly," Will instructed.
"We do need to put gauze and stuff back on and plus, I'm sure you're quite dizzy from just waking up. Jay nodded, allowing Will to turn his head so that things could be reapplied.
"Hey, do you want to eat something," Hailey asked when Jay's stomach gurgled and growled for the first time of the day.
"Yeah," Jay mumbled as Will lined up the gauze pad, landing it on the central line incision spot and began breaking out pieces of tape.
"What can he eat," Hailey asked? "Um, do you feel like you could try eggs?" "Yeah, scrambled," Jay spoke, wincing as Will pressed the first of many tape pieces to the border of the gauze.
"I'll start with two. If you're still hungry we can try toast or something later." Jay gave her a thumbs up and a quick smile of approval, watching Hailey beam right back at him before turning to head in the direction of the kitchen.
"And coffee too?" Jay rolled his eyes. Like she even had to ask. Hailey smirked at him, a little wink from her before disappearing behind the bedroom door. It wasn't till Will was done with the tape that he started the other part of things. Since he was here, might as well roll things into the next day.
"Alright, hand squeeze," he instructed as he placed his palms on top of Jay's hand, nodding in approval as Jay was quick to squeeze both of them strongly and at the same time. Next Will moved to the foot of the bed, placing his palms at the bottom of Jay's feet.
"Press down, one at a time," he spoke so nonchalantly because he'd done this several times by now. Jay did as was told, feet moving left to right before going right to left. Again, movements were quick and strong. So far brain damage wasn't looking too bad beyond the removal of the tumor.
"And now for the meds. What are the symptoms?"
"The usual. Pain, soreness, exhausted." Will nodded as he gathered all the medication, opening pills and dumping out what he needed before closing and moving to the next one. Jay was losing count after eight, not at all happy that he was having to live on so many meds. Furthermore, he was floored that he almost wanted them, couldn't wait till the next dose. It was shocking, humbling, driving home that he was absolutely in the early days of recovery from something huge. Once more, he wondered if he was on more or less than when he was in the hospital.
"You remember that one Christmas Eve where we stayed up all night waiting to see if Santa was real? And then we never went to sleep and then stayed up all the way till midnight Christmas night? I feel ten times worse then that. I can say I've never been this exhausted in my life," Jay spoke, opening and closing his eyes when Will tapped his shoulder before handing him all the meds and a large glass of water for swallowing them.
"Hey, don't get all sentimental on me. I just might have to bring you back to Northwestern and make sure you're okay." Jay smirked, doing his best to sit up on his own. No way was he swallowing things lying flat on his back. Sadly, his best efforts failed epically, not even making it to moving himself off the pillows and mattress before losing all strength. Will put the glass and pills down, scooping a hand behind Jay's back and the two of them working together to get Jay up to a point where things could be adjusted for sitting up in bed.
"So dizzy," Jay admitted as he sat up on his own for the few seconds Will needed to fix things. Jay couldn't open his eyes, the whole world spinning so fast that it made him feel smaller and smaller by the second. Part of him felt like he was leaning to one side, about to fall off the bed and disappear into a never ending hole. Only when Will supported his back and shoulder and gingerly helped him sit back did things finally start to die down. It took thirty seconds or so, but soon Jay regained vision, smirking as Will waved a hand in his face.
"You got me?" Jay nodded, reaching a hand out for the glass of water. Will gave it to him, taking a seat on the edge of the bed as he watched Jay swallow things one at a time.
"It is weird that I felt better in the hospital?" Will shook his head.
"No, the adjustment period sucks. You get used to the IV medication and the hospital lifestyle. That's the first layer of things after surgery. But then there's the home adjustment, the outside world adjustment, and before you know it you're back in your real life once again. But yeah, for a couple days you're going to feel like crap and be scared. It's all part of the process. You've just got to get through it." Jay slowly nodded, handing off the now empty glass to Will who put it back down on the bedside table. Jay took in the room once more, now spotting pictures on the wall, clothing on the floor, the bathroom door and closet that were next to each other. As he looked the memories of moving everything back in here started coming back. How excited and happy they both were to be on their own and in their own place. The apartment, life, had so much positive potential back then. None of them dreaming something like this could ever happen. What was once a door to freedom and an endlessly happy future was starting to feel more like a prison. This room was all he knew for the last month or so, and by the knowledge of things would continue to be for the foreseeable future. How did life get so twisted and off course that they wound up here.
"I'm sorry you're super exhausted," Will spoke, ceasing the mind racing he knew was happening in his brother's head. He could see the daydreaming, the eyes wandering, he knew the look by heart at this point. Jay nodded himself back into reality, the real world, yawning as he found Will's sympathetic face. They both got it, that there was nothing they could do to change anything. But still, it didn't take away from the fact that what Jay, and all of them were going through, was hard.
"How about after breakfast we let you sleep by yourself for a little bit? I think sleeping today will really help with the adjustment period. Hailey and I could go run to the store or something. I'm sure we need to do a food run."
"Yeah, but I don't want to push you guys away…or her."
"You're not."
"I just don't want her thinking I don't want her around. After the whole thing this morning. I know she's just worried and not wanting anything to happen."
"Jay, don't worry about it. Alright? She won't think that." Jay's head snapped in the direction of the bedroom door, eyes fixated on something on the other side of it.
"What was that," he asked? Will scrunched his brow, clueless on things. What Will didn't hear, because he wasn't used to it, was the front door unlocking itself. Unlike other places, this apartment was run on a code system. Each apartment had a code that was tapped into a screen before the loud lock was released and allowed people to enter. When Jay asked once more Will got up from the bed, reaching the bedroom door before poking his head out into the world. It was at that exact moment that Hailey screamed in surprise and shock. Will promised to be back, closing the door behind him. Poor Jay was left behind with a head of uneasiness and fear that something awful was happening in his own home and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.
Hailey was elbow deep in whisking eggs to notice the front door had unlocked, opened and closed. She was so consumed with watching the butter melt in the pan and timing when to throw the eggs in that she didn't hear footsteps leading up to the kitchen. So imagine her surprise when out of the corner of her eye she spots a figure walking towards her. She was so shocked to see anyone that she screamed, flinging a scrambled egg spatula at whoever it was that coming at her, the fight or flight mode really firing on all cylinders now. In a blink she now felt silly, laughing way too hard as Trudy Platt froze in place, ducking to not get hit by egg.
"Oh my gosh! When did you guys get in," Trudy excitedly cried out, rising once the egg had flown past her and Hailey started racing towards her. The two women hugged each other, held on like they hadn't seen each other in forever. Which was actually quite true since Hailey hadn't been at the district since before Jay's surgery. It felt so nice to see her, hug her, just be with people outside of this whole nightmare. Hailey was quite proud of herself for not crying.
"Oh shit, the eggs are burned," she spoke up, noting the awful burnt smell to things. She raced to grab the pan off the cooktop, turn on the kitchen faucet and dump everything down the drain before looking around to start things over. Trudy went to grab a paper towel and clean up the eggs that had been thrown her way.
"Trudy!" Will bent down to gather the paper towel out of her hands, overly excited to see the women. This was a first for Trudy, having people be this overly ecstatic about seeing her. Now she was curious what all they had gone through to be this excited over her unexpected arrival.
"I'm so sorry that we totally forgot to tell you we were home," Will spoke.
"And I'm sorry I threw egg at you," Hailey cut in. Trudy shook her head, swearing it was nothing as she gathered her usual pitcher for watering. As long as she was here, might as well do the thing she'd come to do.
"Oh it's nothing. Don't worry about it," she spoke as she and Hailey traded places at the sink. Hailey was cracking two more eggs, whisking them into submission as another chunk of butter was placed in the pan and heated up.
"Is he sleeping," Trudy asked as she made her way to the living room?
"No, he's up. That's who the eggs are for," Hailey spoke up, scrambling with great concentration this time so she didn't burn another batch. Will was pouring a cup of coffee for Jay, dropping a couple splashes of creamer in the cup before heading back towards the bedroom.
"I got his coffee," he announced to Hailey, who nodded as she grabbed the plate to land eggs on.
"I'll be there in a second," she huffed, making sure the salt was perfect and things were turned off. As she was looking up to start moving to the bedroom she nearly collided into Trudy, who was trying to return the pitcher to it's resting spot, both the women laughing and rolling their eyes.
"You know you've got terrible aim when it comes to food fights, right," Trudy joked? Hailey chuckled, sighing as she stepped aside to allow the older woman by.
"Sorry, I'm just….really excited you're here."
"Well I do apologize for just barging in here. I just didn't even think about you guys being home already."
"Oh no no, I'm sorry we didn't tell you. Could've saved you a drive over here and an early morning." Trudy shrugged, leaning against the counter a little before doing that stare thing she'd done thousands of times in life. It was a look of deep searching, like she was scanning for weakness, information, something that was going to get to the root of things.
"How's he doing," she spoke after a couple seconds of getting nothing.
"He's doing okay. Pretty tired and in pain but that's expected for right now. Do you want to see him," Hailey asked, using the plate to point in the direction of the room? Trudy looked in the direction of the room, almost hesitating before she answered.
"I…don't want to intrude on things."
"Not at all! Come on, I'm sure he'd love the familiar face right now." Trudy watched Hailey take a couple steps before leaving her spot on the counter, following her detective to the bedroom door before allowing Hailey to get in first. She heard the question of if Jay was up for visitors, listening to the now very familiar voice of a person she hadn't seen in over a month quickly perk up, agree that it was alright for her to come in. Hailey opened the door all the way, allowing her a very unadulterated and borderline shocking reveal of Jay Halstead. In an instant the motherly instincts kicked in, her unwavering desire to walk into that room and hug him just flooding her system. Never did she envision one of her people going through something like this. Sure, she knew getting shot or attacked on the job was going to happen, that her people would end up in a hospital and be hurt as a result of the work they did. But never did she picture herself standing at the doorway of their bedroom, watching them in the semi-immediate aftermath of brain surgery and living with a cancerous tumor. The exterior change was so drastic, so not him, she was half shocked at how at ease and used to it all she had become. It was very, very different, a version of Jay she never pictured. But beyond the exterior was the obvious limitations to him. He needed someone to place the fork and plate in their respected spots, hand off the coffee cup when it was needed and not, and above all was just how tired and drained and almost altered he was. Apart from the facial expressions and features, nothing else was what it once was. Jay was very different, changed. She watched in deep concern as Will and Hailey made sure he was okay, able to eat, do very basic things. No one ever did that for him. In fact it was usually Jay doing this for others. Part of Trudy wanted to turn around and never come back, but it was the eventual gaze locking between she and her altered detective that things made sense, went back to how they were…kind of.
"Hey Sarge," Jay spoke, waiting for her to answer back.
"Well hey to you, Chuckles," Trudy was quick to snap back. Jay smirked, forking some eggs and eating before she decided to move further into the room.
"How are you feeling," she asked? Jay shrugged, waiting till he swallowed to answer.
"I've been better," he spoke between forking more eggs. Trudy was beyond proud of his efforts to appear normal and okay as he could. She spotted the shake to him, the eyes drooping and redness of them, he was really fighting through things.
"Well you've also looked better," she spoke up, getting a quick 'HA' from Jay as he handed the now empty plate to Hailey. Will gave him the coffee cup back right after.
"How's life outside of this room," Jay asked as he brought the coffee cup to his lips.
"Cold, snowy, busy. People are missing you."
"Oh, when do you want me to come back," Hailey asked?
"Whenever he's okay for you to come back," Trudy said while pointing to Jay.
"He's priority number one," she finished. Jay rolled his eyes.
"Oh stop. I'll be fine by Monday," he joked, which earned him even more eye rolls from everyone else. There was the Jay Halstead they all knew and loved.
"Right, and you'll be back to work in what… a week or so," Hailey said?
"Oh for sure," Jay said. Two could play this joke game. It was the sudden and deep yawn from Jay that got things out of the awkward niceties. Hailey was quick to grab Jay's plate and coffee cup before running off to the kitchen to throw things into the sink. Meanwhile Will went in the direction of the closet in search of a new pillowcase and pillow to replace the bloody one. In a passing comment Will asked if Trudy could keep an eye on Jay, Trudy responding by plopping herself on Hailey's side of the bed, one leg crossed on top of the bed with the other leg swinging off the side. When it was just the two of them alone in the room Jay started laughing, sighing as he rubbed his eyes to fight off the incoming sleep that was truly trying to win out.
"What," Trudy huffed, looking away from her lap and in the direction of Jay.
"Oh, this was just never something I envisioned happening the day I met you however many years ago."
"What? You mean sharing a bed?" Jay nodded, sighing once more as Trudy smirked before tucking hair behind her ear.
"Thank you for doing the whole Christmas thing. I haven't had a chance to see it yet, but they told me about it. You really didn't have to do it."
"Oh Jay, everyone needs Christmas magic in their lives. Even if they're in the hospital."
"Or if they have a lingering brain tumor and cancer."
"Especially if they have that," Trudy quickly shot back, looking Jay right in the eye and not wavering till he acknowledged it. That was a new level of sadness to things. Jay truly didn't feel like he deserved happiness or normalcy right now, which if anything he needed it more than ever.
"Also, there might be something under that tree for you. Whenever you're ready." Jay nodded, greatly appreciative of her being here in this moment. It was honestly the first person in his normal life that he'd seen since the diagnosis. Ever since that day, however many weeks ago, it had been him and Will and Hailey and a host of medical people. It was so nice to see people not directly associated with the toughest battle of his life. It was nice to see people that didn't know all the dark tales of his life or had vast medical knowledge or tools and things that were going to change him. For these brief moments it was everything to just sit and be two people having a conversation. Of course, everything surrounding it made things feel odd, but in it's essence this was truly what Jay needed.
Their little moment ended when Hailey came back with Jay's filled water bottle for his daily intake, noting Jay's yawn and saying that he really needed to get some sleep. The changing of the pillow was quick and soon Jay was helped back down to a resting position. Hailey announced she was going to head out for a bit, promising to be back before Jay woke up. She left Trudy with another hug and deep gratefulness for everything she'd done, Trudy only nodding and said she was more than willing to help.
"I'll stay with you till you fall asleep," Will said as the two women began to make their way out of the room, waving to Jay who yawned a final time as his eyelids were really quite heavy now.
"Jay, that slurpie offer still stands," Trudy bid farewell with, making Jay smirk and chuckle as he relaxed on the pillows.
"I might take you up on that," was his farewell to her. Once it was just the Halsteads, Will plopped down on Hailey's side of the bed, sighing as he closed his eyes and began to unwind.
"You're not really going to fall asleep in this bed are you," Jay jokingly asked? In all their lives neither had ever shared a bed so to say this was awkward was an understatement.
"I won't tell if you won't," Will joked.
"Yeah, yeah," Jay drifted off with. In under two minutes both brothers were completely passed out, heads facing away from each other yet their breathing somehow in perfect sync. What a weird day and it wasn't even noon.
…
They all slept the rest of the morning and a good chunk of the afternoon away. Even Hailey, after returning home from running her errands crashed on the couch. She came home to silence, expecting to see Jay sound asleep and Will cleaning up or doing something to keep himself busy. She chuckled a little upon opening the bedroom door and seeing both of them passed out, dead to the world asleep, truly resisting the urge to snap a photo. Instead of capturing the precious brotherly moment she turned to close the door, wrap her quick little gifts—and by wrapping we mean throwing things in a bag and stuffing it with tissue paper because that's all the wrapping she knows—before collapsing onto the couch and falling asleep in no time. She only stirred when she heard the footfalls of feet on the hardwood floor in the bedroom. With everything being cold and older, the floors creaked and groaned if anything remotely heavy stepped on it. She was awake by about footstep number two and getting herself up a couple more after that. Part of her was fearful it was Jay getting up on his own and potentially falling. However, her fear and worry quickly died down when she opened the door to Will standing at Jay's bedside peering over things.
"Hey," she quietly spoke into the room. Will turned away from the bedside table, lifting his head up enough to look at her before going back to what he was doing.
"Hey," he said back. Hailey looked away from Will and to Jay, who was also up but looking to be very much in pain. His eyes were closed and lids snapped tightly shut. His lips were pursed and his whole body wasn't moving very much. His head was tilted in the direction of Will but everything was very still, very much not in a great mood. It was another pain flareup, they all knew the signs very well by now.
"Another headache," Hailey spoke as she walked into the room.
"Not a headache, just a lot of bone pain."
"Oh…that's something new," Hailey spoke once more, taking a set on the end of the bed so she could gently massage Jay's feet. Taking her knuckles she slid them up and down the bottom of his feet, stopping at the bottom before going back to the top and rolling down the foot once more. It was a good distraction from what was going on at this head. If his feet were being pressed on than it allowed him to not focus so much on what was going on at the top. After the fourth rotation of the massage Jay was finally able to open his eyes once more, finding Hailey's mildly concerned face and smirking at her. She was quick to sigh and nod back, they both got it. None of this pain stuff was fun and both were wondering if it was ever going to end.
"Okay, ready to swallow all of this," Will asked as he held up water and pills. Jay slowly nodded, beginning the process of sitting up in bed without second thought. He did it suddenly and naturally that at first Will and Hailey didn't have an initial reaction, both of their faces lighting up when he was sitting up on his own in bed.
"Look at you!" Jay furrowed his brow at Will, very much lost on what amazing thing he'd just accomplished.
"What are you talking about?"
"Dude, you sat up in bed on your own! You've yet to do that since surgery and you couldn't even do that this morning. That's amazing."
"He's right," Hailey chimed in, beaming with delight and pride. Jay just shrugged.
"Okay…can I have those now?" Will rolling his eyes handed off the meds and water to Jay who didn't think twice about swallowing, closing his eyes as the wad of pills worked their way down his throat.
"I'm already over the drugs," he grumbled while putting his glass of water down on the bedside table.
"Well what was the issue now," Hailey asked?
"Bone soreness, which as sucky as it is is actually a good thing. It means the bone flap is fusing back together and that those nerves along the hairline are starting to come back."
"Sweet," Hailey excitedly spoke!
"Joy," Jay grumbled under his breath. He then proceeded to yawn, stretching his arms out wide before relaxing back on the pillows.
"What time is it," Jay asked through the yawn? Will looked around the room for a clock while Hailey pulled her phone out of her back pocket.
"3:15 and no, we don't have a clock in here. Someone doesn't like having an alarm clock in his room," Hailey teased.
"It makes no sense if you have a phone! Plus I don't like the extra light." Hailey rolled her eyes, looking back to Will who was bewildered and not at all surprised by Jay's answer. There was absolutely nothing he did that went along with anyone else on planet Earth.
"And what time did we get home yesterday?"
"Uuummm, close to this time," Will figured out.
"I think after twenty-four hours I'd like to get out of this bed and this room for a little bit," Jay announced. Hailey thought about it for a moment, nodding in agreement soon after. It was rather true, when Jay got home yesterday it was all about getting him in bed and asleep and on the anti-nausea shot. Since then he'd made it as far as the bathroom a couple times but never venturing back out to the other side of the bedroom door. If it were her, she'd have raised some hell way sooner than Jay did. She was all for hanging out at home, but twenty-four hours in one spot was too much to ask of anyone. So the fact he went as long as he did proved that he truly was tired and that this was how different he was going to be these first few weeks.
"Well, what do you feel like doing," Will asked?
"I'd love to take a shower but I'd just like to see something other than the bedroom or bathroom first."
"Do you want to go see the tree? And maybe open a gift or two," Hailey asked, a coy smile creeping out the side of her mouth when Jay looked at her.
"Is that where you went this morning?"
"Maybe," Hailey playfully spoke?!
"Hailey, you really didn't have to. I don't need anything and plus, you've got to be as tired as the rest of us," Jay spoke.
"Jay, it's fine. You got me something so I had to return the favor. Plus, I don't want our first Christmas to be me not getting you anything. Also, Trudy has something for you under there and it's kind of large." He was back to being a little kid, intrigued by a large gift with his name on it. Nowadays, large gifts for adults were deemed as a bad thing, but as a kid the size of a gift determined how awesome it was. A bike box was far more rewarding than a box of socks. As an adult, smaller is everything. But as a kid both Jay and Will eyed the biggest gifts under the tree and waged bets on who it was for. Life was so simple back then.
"Well if it's a big gift, I don't want to leave it unopened out there," Jay teased. Hailey smiled as she got off the bed, releasing Jay's feet to himself in order for him to peel off the blankets and sheets and begin to rotate in the direction of the edge of the bed. Once again Jay was floored at how out of energy he was. All ideas and dreams of getting himself up and walking out to the living room were completely diminished by the time he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He was absolutely exhausted, legs seriously shaking and arms greatly weakened as he allowed Will and Hailey to each take a side and gently push his back to help him stand.
"Ready," Will asked? Jay nodded, breathing out as he used every ounce of strength left in his depleted body, wobbling a little on the rise up. His vision darkened and was spotty as he was fully on his feet, both Will and Hailey bracing him as he gained his senses once more and got adjusted to the new height. It felt so good to turn around and look back down at that bed, to be able to fully look around the room and see everything that was in there. Only when Jay tried to take the first step did any of them move, very slowly and methodically but getting to the bedroom door without any hold ups. Hailey opened the door for the three of them, taking a step out into the living and holding a hand out for Jay to grab and guiding him through the doorway, Will following behind in case Jay fell backwards. Once he was through the doorway, Jay took a moment to take everything in, scanning the rest of the apartment for some kind of remembrance. Just as it happened the previous day, waking up in the bedroom, none of this place was feeling like home. As he scanned the living room he was able to pick up what was in the space, but tying memories and feelings and a sense of ownership just wasn't happening. It's amazing what ten days in the hospital and a brain surgery can do your mind. He noted the couch and chairs and rug and lights and the coloring of the walls, but saw it as just that. He was very much lacking that any of it belonged to him, even though he knew it did. It was almost like looking into a life that he no longer understood or owned, like two very separate things trying to live together in one space. Perhaps over time and more moments of being out and around the apartment would change things. But right now Jay was feeling very much not at home. If he was being honest the bedroom still wasn't feeling like him. None of this life at home was.
"Hey, you okay," Will asked as they all stood in one place for too long. Jay only nodded, looking down at the floor as he tried to urge himself to keep walking. The only thing that was standing out to him were the purple hospital socks with the sticky, padded bears on them. Those he knew to be his, because it was one of the first true memories he could grasp for this side of surgery. Whenever they had to perform motor skills tests or just him kicking sheets off in his sleep, those weird-ass happy bears were always looking back at him. He was currently hating that his only true, heartfelt possession was tied to a hospital. That had to change.
"Where do you want me to go," Jay inquired, looking for a landing spot because he was really losing steam now.
"Wherever you'd like," Hailey encouraged. Jay responded by heading in the direction of the couch, all three of them getting there in a few more steps before helping Jay turn around and successfully land on the cushions.
"Anything to drink," Hailey asked as she headed for the kitchen?
"Another one of those protein shakes," Jay spoke, getting a thumbs up back. Jay turned away from the kitchen and towards the tree. It wasn't the largest tree in the world, and by the looks of it's perfectly shaped branches and lighting wasn't even a real tree. Having grown up in a house where every year the family got in the car and headed for the woods of Wisconsin to source the family Christmas tree, the idea of a fake tree was a cop out, just a big no-no. Jay had very vivd memories of helping their father deeply examine a tree, from the size of the trunk to the number of pine needles that fell when you shook the thing. It was a very meticulous process and one that had been engrained in his very person. He recalls all the arguments while getting the oversized tree into the house and into a stand. The following morning the house would smell like pine tree, that distinct Christmas tree smell filling the house and cueing that Christmas was coming soon. So to be sitting here now, examining a fake tree in his living room felt like such a betrayal to everything he was taught and raised. But the more he looked at the perfectly and ornately decorated tree and was truly amazed at how real it looked and felt, he was beginning to understand why so many people were ditching real for the fake ones. For starters you didn't have to water the thing and didn't have to worry about it dying on you. And you didn't have to keep buying a tree every year. There was no mess and no decorating and un-decorating. The thing had a lot of positives.
"What is that smell," Jay finally spoke up when Christmas tree smell wafted to his nose. Will looked away from the tree himself, puzzled at why Jay was asking that.
"It's the tree dude," he said. Jay shook his head, peering even deeper at the tree as he spoke.
"That's not a real tree though."
"Jay, it's very much real," Will said once more, grabbing a tree limb before his eyes went big.
"Why does that feel like plastic?" Hailey was now back in the living room, trying to not burst out laughing at two grown men pondering a tree.
"This is a real tree, right?!"
"Yes! She came over to water it today. You don't water a fake tree."
"But it looks fake," Jay spoke up, Will nodding as he pointed to the branches.
"Nothing fell off and the branches feel fake…but it smells like a real tree."
"And she did come over and water it," Jay added….like they didn't hear Hailey say that seconds ago.
"You two are ridiculous. It's a real.." Hailey stopped when she too, had to agree that indeed the tree felt fake. But Jay was right, it did smell so real. Honestly Hailey stared at the thing for a good hour before falling asleep this morning and didn't even think about the real vs. fake debate. But now, observing things, she had to admit that Jay was very correct. Now all three of them were clueless.
"Maybe she meant the poinsettia," Hailey suggested, looking at the numerous red plants adorning the bottom of the tree. Jay shrugged his shoulders and while Will kept looking for more clues.
"But where is the smell coming from," Jay pointed out once more. Hailey sighed, handing off the protein shake before taking a seat on the couch with him. She had to get these two off the tree dilemma fast. This is why you don't closely examine gifts.
"How about we forget about the tree for a moment and focus on what's under it?" Jay sipped his shake as he nodded, both of them looking at Will to be the official gift delivery man.
"Here is one for Hailey," Will spoke as he got up from his chair and walked her gift over. She thanked him while grabbing it out of his hands, examining the perfectly wrapped box before trying to find a nice way to open things. Trudy had outdone herself once more. The bow was perfectly done and not too tight or slouching off the box. The wrapping paper was a pretty deep blue with not a single corner overdone or paper overlapped or not covering things. Hailey chuckled with humor and delight as the paper revealed an at-home cooking kit, complete with cookbook recipes for two and all the essential utensils and starters one will need.
"It was either this or an at home soap maker and I figured you really didn't need that," Hailey laughed as she read the card.
"Just don't make Jay sicker than he already is. Signed, a fellow takeout addict." Jay snorted as Hailey pulled things out one by one, clueless on what any of it was.
"You better make all of those while we're stuck here," Jay teased.
"I do that and we'll be right back at Northwestern," she teased right back.
"That was so sweet of her. Especially since we all already did the gift card exchange." Jay nodded, looking back to Will who was furrowed his brow at the name on the next gift.
"Me?!"
"Yes, you," Hailey spoke up.
"Why wouldn't I get you something?" "Um, because it's already been Christmas and I don't live here."
"Will, you're family and you are here with us this Christmas so…open it." Jay looked at Hailey rather oddly, very lost on what was going on. She was practically on the edge of her seat on the couch, muffling her laughs as she watched him pull the tissue paper out of the bag. Jay wanted to ask but she shooed him off as Will held the book up, sighing before laughing at the cover.
"A coffee table book about breakfast?!" Now Hailey couldn't hold back the laughter, wishing she had her phone on her to capture Will's face. He was equal parts embarrassed and accepting of his defeat.
"I'm so lost," Jay spoke as the two of them laughed about some inside joke he had zero knowledge of. It was a situation he never saw coming and truly didn't like.
"Did you know your brother eats bland oatmeal and black coffee for breakfast?!" Jay snorted, rolling his eyes as he nodded his head.
"God you didn't actually go out in public and order that," he joked, watching Will's face go beet red as he nodded.
"When?!"
"The day of your surgery. We both went to Starbucks." Jay sighed, picturing the moment in comparison to what he was going through. What an odd day for all of them. He was just glad those two had funny memories to tie back to that day.
"So now he has some foodspiration so that he can get off that old man habit," Hailey explained.
"Thank you," Will chuckled as he thumbed the pages a little, eventually putting the book down so he can hand things off to Jay.
"I will be sure to read that before going to bed tonight. Here you go, Jay," Will spoke as two things were handed off to him.
"Did I get a breakfast book too," he joked with Hailey?
"Oh stop, you eat like a normal human."
"It's about the only normal thing he does," Will teased. Jay had to agree with that. He started with Trudy's gift, also noting how perfectly wrapped it was and how hard it was going to be to mess things up. He gingerly removed the bow before tearing a side of the paper and sliding things out. Inside the box was basically a collection of things to keep him busy. A book on curing boredom, a couple beanies, and generous gift card to 711 for slurpies (according to the card), a couple pairs of socks with more padding to prevent him from falling, and sleep inducing tea blend.
"Try to not annoy everyone," was all the card said. Jay just rolled his eyes as Will and Hailey nodded in quick agreement, chuckling and thinking to themselves that in part, that message came too late.
"What's with her and the slurpies," Will pointed out?
"Honestly is there any part of Trudy that makes sense," Hailey spoke.
"Nope. But this was very nice of her," Jay said, moving to Hailey's gift and watching as her face lit up. He only made it to pulling a single sheet of tissue paper out before narrowing his eyes at her and smirking.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Who needs the hobby now?!" Her eyebrows shot up and down really quick, the smirk that crept out of the corner of her mouth a classic one that told all that it needed to. It was her dirty one, the signal of what was to come.
"What…what is it," Will asked when Jay just looked down at the bag and started laughing, yet not taking the stuff out. Hailey shook her head.
"Oh no no. After all we've gone through there's nothing we keep secret," Will pressed.
"No Will, there are some things we still keep to ourselves."
"Oh come on, we can show him," Jay said.
"Okay…I tried to warn you," Hailey said, holding her hands up in defeat. Jay carefully pulled out the body caramel jar before chucking the fuzzy handcuffs at Will who practically screamed and ducked.
"What is wrong with you two," he called out as they looked at each other and laughed.
"It was his idea!"
"Oh no, I specifically recall you saying it was the tumor's idea. This is totally your idea now," Jay poked at.
"Hey, the more I thought about it…the more fun it sounds. Maybe that tumor had a good idea," she teased, sending Will into more head shakes while picking up the handcuffs with two nervous fingers.
"Just don't let me be here when…this happens." That one they all laughed at. Oh the humor in weird sex stuff. The odds of them ever actually using any of it were quite slim, but to see Will's visceral reaction was worth the gift alone.
"One day, Will. You'll find that perfect person who wants to try crazy stuff with you."
"Yeah, if this is what I have to look forward too I think I'll pass."
"Suit yourself," Jay spoke into the last drops of his protein shake.
"But thank you guys for all of this. This was certainly not the way I saw our first Christmas going, but I'm glad we're here now for all of this," Jay thanked.
"Next Christmas, we'll go all out," Hailey said.
"And try to avoid Northwestern," Will cut in.
"Agreed," Jay said.
"And now, a shower," he spoke, dying to get into that shower and clean hospital smell and gunk off of him for the first time since surgery.
"I need a shower for my eyes just to forget what I just saw," Will teased, earning himself another round of snorts and chuckles before all gathered Jay and headed for the shower. It was still weird, having to look at himself in the mirror, still not fully grasping what was looking back at him. It was certainly a person who was not well, looking very different from anything he ever knew. But, for the first time this whole journey, Jay was beginning to accept it. As his reflection fogged over from the rising steam of the shower, he realized there was a second part to the whole thing. He'd been better, but he was getting back there one step at a time.