It's late by the time we arrive back at the gym. The others are all itchy with anticipation for the wedding, so most of them head straight to bed. I try, but end up lying awake, staring at the ceiling until I give in and get up again, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and shoes and wandering out into the corridor. I head downstairs through the dark, bee-lining for the garden, and the fresh air waiting there. I reach the doors to the gym, but stop just short of them when I hear voices float out from inside.
"I wish you'd stop, Gary," Goh says. He sounds irritated. I pause, debating giving up on going outside and just heading back to bed, but unable to move myself.
"Just wish I understood, that's all," Gary sighs. I hear the clink of a bottle. They must be drinking. Misty is staying with her one of her sisters in their apartment tonight, so they won't see each other until the wedding.
"People change, I guess. He's not the same person, and neither am I." I realise they're talking about me, and my breath catches in my throat. I shouldn't be listening in on this. I should head back up before I hear more, but I can't make my feet move. I furrow my brow and edge closer to the door quietly, waiting for Gary's response, leaning back against the wall.
"I don't know. He seems pretty much the same to me. Just older. Calmer. Less... dense." I can practically hear his shrug.
"Everyone acts like it's a choice. If I could be friends with him again, well I… I might. But it's not that easy. Even when he's right beside me, it feels like we're worlds apart. We just can't connect anymore." I hear him shuffling, like he's uncomfortable. My chest is tightening more with every word. "There's too much said and done now. No way to bridge the gap when it's so wide."
I push away from the wall, sucking in a breath, and push through the doors. Gary and Goh are indeed drinking from whiskey glasses at one of the tables set up for the wedding, the bottle half-empty on the tablecloth between them. They look up at me as I enter, and I watch Goh's jaw harden. His whole expression changes, warm to cold in seconds.
"Hey," Gary says. "Can't sleep?"
I shake my head, shoving my hands in my pockets. "No. Are you nervous?"
He grins sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Maybe a little. Want a drink?"
I shake my head again. "Nah. Just wanted some fresh air. Thanks, though." I start to walk past them with a wave of my hand, and don't look back until I've pushed out of the double doors at the other end of the room into the gardens.
The air is chilly, and the gardens are dark, the moon hidden away behind the clouds, but I wander around for half an hour or so before heading back inside. Goh and Gary are gone when I do, the bottle gone with them. I head back up and lie in bed, repeating Goh's words over and over in my head, and wondering why they're affecting me as much as they are.
— — —
For a few blissful moments in the morning, I forget where I am, and think I'm in my dorm at CCU again. I close my eyes and start to drift back to sleep when Dawn bursts in my room, waving her hands frantically.
"Get up! Get up!" She shouts. "God, Ash! Do you ever set an alarm?"
I sit up groggily, and as my vision clears I realise she's already dressed in her bridesmaid's dress- a lavender silk chiffon dress with spaghetti straps. Little white flowers have been woven into her hair, and she's wearing makeup. Then it hits me that if she's ready, I'm also supposed to be.
"Shit," I say, throwing the covers off, forgetting that I'm only wearing boxers. Dawn shrieks and turns away, throwing a hand over her eyes. "Sorry!"
I start to head for the bathroom, but Dawn drops her hand, suddenly not caring about my lack of pants. "No time for a shower." She leans in and sniffs me, ignoring the face I pull at her. "It's fine, you don't smell."
"Um, thanks?" I say, raising an eyebrow. She shoves me towards my wardrobe, and the suit that's waiting in there for me.
"The ceremony is in twenty five minutes. Get your ass downstairs, pronto," she hisses, storming out of the room again. I pull on the suit, messing with my hair in the mirror until it falls somewhat neatly, and try to straighten the uncomfortable tie around my neck. I can't stall for any longer, so I suck in a breath and head down, passing through the gym to where the others are waiting to walk out. I can hear guests chattering outside and peer through the glass of the door. There must be close to a hundred people out there already, sitting in the rows, whispering into each others ears. I only recognise half of them.
May and I are supposed to walk out together first, being the maid of honour and best man. Then Misty's sisters and Dawn will walk Goh, Quillon, Tracey and Brock down. Without her parents, Professor Oak is giving Misty away. I smile and wave over at him as he enters, looking even more frail than last time I saw him, which makes my stomach sink a little. Goh walks in behind him, and all the air whooshes from my lungs, almost making me choke. He looks so different in a suit, and, well… I can barely look at him, for some reason.
"Let's go," May whispers, and loops her arm around mine. Two butlers stationed either side of the doors push them open for us, and we step out into the warm summer morning. All the guests turn, beaming up at us, and I smile back as best as I can. May's a beacon beside me, waving and grinning at almost every single person. The others file out behind us, and we take our places either side of the altar. Mercifully, it's Brock beside me, not Goh. It gives me a chance to breathe a little.
The officiant is standing by Gary in the centre. He seems more nervous than ever, his chest rising and falling heavily, his eyes darting around like he isn't sure where to look. Set up a little further back is a band, playing string instruments softly. I recognise the love song they're covering from the radio somewhere, but can't quite place the name. Scanning the front rows, I see Mallow and Lana are crying already, dabbing their eyes with tissues.
As we wait for Misty's arrival, I wonder what everyone probably wonders when they watch a wedding: Will this ever be me? Do I want it to be? I can't imagine being in a relationship with one person for long enough to get married. I can't imagine caring for someone that much. I have no idea what that says about me.
The doors swing out again right as the song changes, snapping me out of my daydreams. Misty steps out, looking stunning in her wedding dress, all lace up the arms, the skirts flaring out in layers and layers of voile and silk, her long train trailing behind her. Gary finally knows where to look- right at her, and I see all of his affection for her when they lock eyes.
The ceremony passes over in the blink of an eye. The rest of the guests seem to have joined in crying now, as Psyduck walks out with the rings on a pillow, making a few people laugh. Even now, his expression remains completely and utterly empty and clueless. They read their vows, and just like that, they're married. It's barely been thirty minutes when they announce that the reception is starting soon, and the bar is open.
Misty and Gary whisk May and I into a side room to sign their marriage licence as witnesses. I've never seen Misty smile so much. She's glowing so much she's almost radiant. We have to wait a few minutes more to enter the reception because, as embarrassing as it is, Misty's asked the DJ to announce us as we enter. On her cue, we walk in as the DJ reads out our names, May stuck tight to my arm, still grinning. There are even more people here for the reception, and the room is full. The only empty space is the dance floor at the front of the room by the DJ booth.
May skips off to Drew, who I wave over to. It's been years since I last saw him, and he looks so much older I almost don't recognise him. I'm about to head over to Dawn, but Brock intercepts me, holding out a drink.
"Thought you might need this," he says.
"Haven't even eaten yet," I groan, but take the drink anyway.
"Forty minutes until lunch," he grumbles, equally annoyed. "Gonna be a long day."
"Don't pretend you don't love it," I tease, elbowing him. His gaze sweeps over the room once more, then he nods, grinning.
"You're right. I do."
I laugh, and leave him, heading to the table at the head of the room, where my space beside Dawn is waiting. She narrows her eyes at my drink, but I shrug and point at Brock, redirecting the blame. She just sighs and shakes her head. I look around for Goh, but he's lost in the crowd somewhere.
The next forty minutes pass quickly. Mostly it's just Gary and Misty greeting people and thanking them for coming. Misty has switched into a smaller dress, the skirts less extravagant, but no less beautiful. Gary and I talk a lot through lunch, catching up on what's been going on, and all the battles we've taken part in this year.
Once Gary and Misty's first dance is up, May and I dance. I try to remember the practising she forced me to do a couple weeks ago, but the few drinks I've had have gone straight to my head. I manage to keep up, but I definitely wouldn't call myself graceful, while May moves like water, like she was born dancing.
Once the stress of that is over, I find myself actually enjoying the reception. All of my friends are tipsy and happy. I'm tipsy and happy, and fully distracted from all the thoughts of Goh that have plagued my mind for the last two days.
That is, until Chloe arrives. She couldn't get here any earlier due to commitments at the lab, but the second she arrives several people gravitate right towards her, Goh included. I should have known it would play out this way, but I forgot how awkward it might be when she arrived, being in the middle of all of us, and Goh and I's stupid feud.
When she finally gets away from Goh and Dawn, she comes to me, which makes me feel a little better. I'm at the bar, ordering another drink, when she props herself up beside me, sighing. She swings her bag up onto the wood with a smack and smiles up at me. "Hey."
"Hey," I say back. "What was that sigh for?"
"Just swamped," she sighs again. "So much work, and I barely got finished before coming here. I must look like a mess."
She's probably referring to the fact that she's wearing her hair down and free, when she usually spends a while pulling it into an exact design every morning. I shake my head. "You look beautiful."
The side of her lip curls up into a smile. "Thank you, Ash." She glances around us briefly, her eyes falling upon Goh, who's gone back to chatting with Gary, now that I'm not there beside him. "How have things been? Have you spoken to him?"
Now it's my turn to sigh. "A little, but I can't say it went well."
"Oh well. At least you haven't murdered each other." She seems disappointed, like she'd wanted to arrive here and see us friends again. There's something I want to ask her, but the question seems a little invasive, when I'm not even friends with him. I'm not even sure why I'm so hung up on the answer.
The bartender places my glass back in front of me, and I thank him before taking a long swig, then turning back to Chloe, my heart in my throat. "Who's he dating?"
She blinks, her brow furrowing. "Huh?"
"Goh."
"Dating?" She chuckles. "Right now? Nobody, as far as I know. Unless he's hiding someone from me. Why?"
I shrug, like I don't care, even though I just asked the question. Secretly, I'm relieved, and I don't know what that means. "No reason, really. Dawn asked and he said he was."
"Really?" Her brow dips deeper, and she stares back off at him, as if she's considering whether he actually would hide a relationship from her. "Strange."
"So no girlfriend. Got it," I say, also staring off at him, a strange loneliness settling into my chest. Then, Chloe laughs, so sudden and loud that I almost spill my beer and whirl back to face her, confused and irritated.
" Girlfriend ," she says, like it's hilarious. "Ash, Goh is gay."
Oh. My brain empties out. Oh.
"I thought everyone knew by now," she carries on. "He's pretty open about it."
I shake my head, still unable to process a thought. "Right. That makes sense," I say, even though I had absolutely no idea.
"Chloe!" Dawn shouts, and we both turn to see her waving from the dance floor, where most people are dancing now. "Come on!"
Chloe shoots me an apologetic smile and excuses herself, joining Dawn on the floor. I sit and stare into my glass. The loneliness is spreading, sinking deeper, opening an empty chasm. I space out completely, sitting for God knows how long on my own, drink untouched. Something's sparking to life inside me, both good and bad, and I can't even begin to unpack how I'm feeling. I'm terrified of thinking too hard about it, because it seems like once I start down whatever road this is, there's no going back.
There is one thing I know for sure now, though. The thought rings out as I finally look up and find him dancing with Gary.
I miss him.
I've missed his company in the past, and I missed living the memories that came back when I arrived, but this is different. Now, I miss him. Despite all of our interactions being mostly negative, the last two days have turned my world upside down, leaving me feeling empty. I've been fine for years, and now, suddenly, I'm not. I want to hate him for it, but I can't.
I don't realise I'm staring until he meets my gaze, and doesn't look away. I watch him, waiting for him to turn away from me, but he doesn't. Our eyes are locked, and neither of us are going to break. Then he starts to walk towards me, and my heart sinks into my stomach, nerves clamming up my hands and making my chest tight.
I can tell before he even speaks that he's been drinking too. He heaves himself up onto the bar stool beside me, and when he turns towards me, he's actually smiling, and it sends a strange sensation shooting down my body.
"Don't think I've ever seen you in a suit before," he says, casually.
My throat is closed up, but I swallow and force myself to speak. "It's a rare occurrence." I grab the beer and drink, wincing when I realise it's gone flat. How long was I sitting here staring into it?
"Really? You mean you don't just walk around Unova like this?" He jokes. I take in his appearance, and the suit that he's wearing. He looks… well. I swallow hard again, hoping he can't sense how nervous I am.
"That would require way more effort than I'm willing to give the general public," I shoot back, again wondering why he's decided to sit here and talk to me.
"A lot of the general public are your fans now," he counters.
I shrug, and drink from the beer again, ignoring the taste. "Fans of my battling. Not me."
"Pretty sure they're fans of you." He turns away and starts to order a drink. I hadn't even noticed the bartender had arrived. When he looks back he shuffles a little closer, and I feel the warmth from his body. His knee brushes mine, sending a jolt up my thigh, and I fight the urge to jerk back or be the one to move away first, and so our knees stay pressing into one another. Somehow, it feels… dangerous.
The fingers in my free hand, resting on the bar, twitch instinctively towards him ever so slightly. "It's not as fun as you'd think," I say, shocked at how gravelly my voice sounds. Goh leans forward, resting his chin on his palm.
"You never did care about the attention," he agrees. The tone of his voice- something between longing and sorrow- makes my breath catch, and I have to stop a thousand words from spilling out all at once. All of the apologies, arguments, compliments, and every word unsaid inbetween, sit on the tip of my tongue, but I bite them back.
When I don't speak, Goh leans back again, stretching. For a moment I panic, thinking he's going to leave. I don't want him to leave. This is the most normal we've been since we were thirteen. I can't help but want to hold him there. Instead, though, he speaks again. "I'm sorry about Maria. I heard your whole conversation."
"I thought you might have," I sigh. This conversation is so normal and casual that it's starting to freak me out. "It's fine."
"On to the next one, huh?" He says, and for a second I'm irritated, but then I catch the look on his face, and realise he's actually… joking. He's messing with me. The little grin he's sporting gives it away. Despite myself, I laugh.
"Nah. It's not like that. Besides, I'm done with women for a while now."
"So you're basically celibate." He raises an eyebrow, still joking. My throat goes dry.
"Not entirely by choice." I shrug.
"Didn't think you'd have a problem with that," he says, slurring his words, just a little. I go blank, my heart plummeting. This conversation definitely feels risky now.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I lied yesterday on the ferris wheel. You're like, a super model." He takes a sip of his drink and looks around the room, and won't look back at me.
I'm suddenly too aware of the feeling of his knee pressed into mine. He's barely a foot away from me, and there's a tension in the air between us so thick you could cut it with a knife. Part of me wants to run from this conversation. The other part wants, to my own surprise, to flirt. I've never flirted before. For me to want to flirt now... It's definitely the alcohol.
"Oh? Does that mean you're also a fan?" I joke, raising an eyebrow.
"You wish." He's smirking now. My skin is tingling. My head is spinning. I need another drink.
Then, in a split second, his face falls, like he's just come to a terrible realisation. He picks his drink up and drains the rest of it, glancing around him like he's looking for an excuse to leave. I must have made him uncomfortable. I sigh and stand, so he doesn't need to, and I walk away, and don't look back.
I head for the main door, needing some air, but Dawn intercepts me, her arms crossed over her chest. "What was that?" She asks.
"What was what?"
"I saw the look on your face. I've never seen you look that way before." I try to weave around her, but she catches my arm and holds on tight. "Ash."
I sigh and whirl to face her, visibly annoyed, but it doesn't phase her at all. "What?"
"You can talk to me," she says, and I hate the pity in her tone. I don't need anyone's pity. "I get it."
"You get what?" I ask, genuinely confused, because I don't know what she's talking about, or what look I was apparently pulling.
She shakes her head and hesitates. "It just seemed like… Well, it seemed like you were flirting, alright? I just wanted you to know you can talk to me."
"We weren't flirting," I scowl, and snatch my arm back. This time, she doesn't stop me from stepping around her. I only breathe again once the doors close behind me. I take a deep breath, the air cool and sobering. There's a million thoughts invading my brain right now. My heart is racing. I think I just want this night to be over.
I lean against the wall and try to gather my thoughts. I get three seconds of peace before I hear footsteps approaching. I expect to look and see Dawn, Gary or Misty, but instead I meet the eyes of a stranger. A girl, probably around the same age as I am. She's tall and slim, with brunette hair down to her waist and wolf bangs. It takes all of my effort not to groan.
"Hey," she says. "Ash, right?"
I open my mouth to reply, but her laugh cuts me off. "Sorry, I bet people try that all the time. Pretending they don't know who you are, I mean."
Her bluntness catches me off guard, but I manage to gather myself enough to speak. "It's okay. I usually let them think I believed it."
She stops in front of me, looking up at me. She sticks her hand out for me to shake. "Rosa."
I push off the wall and shake her hand. It's impressive that I manage to keep my balance. "Nice to meet you, Rosa. You know Gary?"
"Yeah. Great guy." She shifts her weight. "Still, not to sound rude, but you're the real star here. I mean, I've seen you in action. You're insane."
I look away, still never sure how to take a compliment. I feel my face heat up, and will it away, cursing my flustering. "Thanks," I say lamely. "Do you battle too?"
"Yeah," she answers enthusiastically. "I won the Unova League last year."
I raise my eyebrows, impressed. I'm surprised I haven't heard of her. "So you're pretty good, then."
She shrugs, smiling. "I guess. Why are you out here, anyway? Hiding from someone?"
"You could say that," I sigh, leaning back against the wall.
"Girlfriend?" She asks. Well, at least she's forward, I guess.
"Old friend," I explain. "No girlfriend."
The corner of Rosa's mouth tugs up into a smirk, and I know my assumption was right. She's here to flirt. I go quiet for a moment, considering. The fear that's been haunting me for the past few days rears its ugly head- that I never feel a spark when I kiss somebody because I'm not into girls. It's a terrifying thought, and one that I haven't begun to unpack properly, or consider.
"Where are you from, Rosa?" I ask to break the intense silence.
"Unova," she says.
"Wow. That's kinda funny. I live there."
"You do?" She shifts her weight again. "Castelia City?"
"How did you know?"
"I didn't. That's just where I live, too." She smiles. I take in her face for a moment. Admittedly, she's hot, and she seems… intense, but also bubbly. She seems a little like me. I can't tell if I feel any sort of attraction towards her. It might just be the alcohol making my stomach flip.
"Must be fate," I say jokingly, but tension snaps tight between us. Rosa steps forward, closing the gap between us in one big stride, and lifts her head. I know this is the part where she tries to kiss me, and I could easily turn my face to the side and completely swerve her, but I don't. I smell the alcohol on her breath as our lips connect.
The second I close my eyes, I picture Goh.
My heart jumps up into my throat and I almost jerk back, confused. I quickly shake the image away, trying to focus on the feeling of her lips, my hands shaking like crazy now.
I wait for some sort of feeling, to feel the spark I've missed when I've kissed anyone else, but again, I feel nothing. Disappointment sinks heavy into the pit of my stomach. It feels just like kissing any other person. Rosa puts a hand into my hair, and I'm about to pull away when I hear the door swing open beside us, and she does it for me.
I look to my right to find Goh, halfway out the door, his jaw hanging open, shock written all over his face. My heart plummets to the floor, crashing out from my ribs.
"Uh," he says, blinking. "Sorry."
He slides back inside, the door closing behind him. Rosa is quiet beside me. I feel a hand on my side, and move away from her, suddenly very nauseous. "I should get back inside," I say, smiling apologetically. She looks disappointed, but not surprised, and just nods.
"Wait," she says suddenly, and when I turn back she's writing something on the back of a receipt she must have pulled from her purse. She hands it to me. It's her number. "If you change your mind, call me."
I push the paper into my own pocket and smile. "Sure," I say, knowing I'm never going to call her.