Los Angeles, Henry, 2014
We are dancing on the edge of sleep, both comfortable in our silence on this couch when my phone rings. She startles pretty violently at the unexpected sound. She backs away from me, returning to her side of the couch expertly re-setting the distance between us. I grab my phone and excuse myself to the hallway of the building to take the call.
"Hey, Jess." I try to sound like I didn't just have a life altering day.
"Hey, honey. You sound tired, is everything okay?" That's a hard question to answer. No nothing is okay, the future holds challenges, and I might not be fully equipped to deal with them. Yes, everything is okay, Elizabeth is alive and I can be with her. Guilt rises its way to the surface as I remember that I'm on the phone with my wife. Jessica is my wife, so I take a step back from the conundrum I found myself in today and give her my full attention.
"Yeah, just had a long day. It's after eleven there. Kids in bed?"
Los Angeles, Elizabeth, 2014
He's laughing in the hallway, on the phone with her. They are joking around about something Jason did at school today. My heart twinges. She is their mother. I left them. I don't know what I'm doing. I can't just ride off into the sunset with him, he is married to someone else. I can't just walk back into my children's lives, like I never walked away. I don't even know who they are. I never checked, never kept tabs, it hurt too much. Stevie turned twenty, three weeks ago. On her birthday, I went to Target and bought a bunch of clothes, toiletries, and shelf stable food. I also bought a birthday card. Then, I donated the clothes and other supplies to a shelter in Leimert Park. When I got home, I wrote out the card, and sealed in in its envelope. I labeled it, Stevie Happy 20th. It's what I do on all of their birthdays, and Christmas, too. I have all of the cards, neatly organized in 3 photo boxes under my bed.
I get up from the couch and open the drawer of my nightstand. Inside is a tattered framed photograph taken ten years ago. Three smiles stare back at me. Three little kids whose life was changed the day they watched me get on a plane. They stood by a headstone and grieved. The same grief I grieved at fifteen. Forgiveness is not something I deserve for that.
I hear the exchange of I love you's outside the door. And he walks back in.
"Are you comfortable telling me about them? Team McCord?" I'm overcome with the need to know everything about them. What they like to do. What their favorite things are. What they want to be when they grow up.
Los Angeles, Henry, 2014
I start nodding before I can really think about it. Yes, I can tell her about them. But her coming to Pittsburgh to see them, if that's what she wants, I remind myself. Well, that has to be done in a much more controlled matter. I am their father, and above all it is my job to protect them. I need to speak with a family therapist and come up with a good game plan to traumatize my kids. I realize that I can't get out in front of my skis about what happens next. She and I will have to keep talking for a while. Make a plan that's healthy for me and healthy for her. But right now, I can tell her about the beautiful people we made together.
"They're great." I smile. "Stevie is very driven. She is a double major at Georgetown. She is taking the LSATs this year. She wants to be a human rights attorney. Allie is an artist. She draws the most amazing fashion sketches. She's learning how to sew. And Jason," I let out a small chuckle. "Well, Jason is a self-proclaimed anarchist. He's way too smart for his own good. He's a total smartass now, but I have a feeling he'll grow into his potential."
Tears are openly streaming down her face again. And she's clutching a frame to her chest. I walk over to her and reach for it. She lets go of it and I turn it around to see a tattered and water damaged photograph of Team McCord. It's the photo she took to Iraq with her. It was taken on a perfect day at the National Zoo. I hand it back to her and take out my cell phone.
"Do you want to see a new picture?"
Los Angeles, Elizabeth, 2014
I freeze, not even finding it within myself to nod. I just watch as he clicks and scrolls through his phone for ten seconds. He turns it around and I come face to screen with two kids, two teenagers, and an adult. It takes my breath away. Stevie looks so much like me, it's scary. Allison looks like Henry. Jason a combination of us both. Their beautiful. So are his twins, they look like Henry, too. I get the sense that Allison is protective of her youngest brother's as she is in the middle of them holding one on either side of her.
"I can send it to you, I don't think I have one of just Team McCord. Bit I can take one when I get back and Stevie is home for Christmas." He says breaking me away from the faces of my children. I nod at him. Yes, I want this picture, and other pictures. Anything he's willing to pass on to me. I look back at the two smallest children in the photo.
"What are their name? Your twins."
"Robert and Andrew, or Bobby and Drew." His face is still filled with fatherly pride.
"And your wife?" I ask pointing to the ring on his hand. His face becomes unreadable as we re-enter awkward territory. But I figure, if I can tell him about my year in Iraq, he can tell me what he's been up to.
"Jessica."
"Do you love her?" I wonder out loud.