Los Angeles, Henry, 2014
I've never heard a more loaded question. It feels like no matter how I answer, I will be wrong. I will hurt someone. But lying to Elizabeth, feels wrong. It's not something I've ever done. And don't think I'll start now.
"Yes, I do." I keep it short. Watching her, waiting for her to react. She doesn't. Not immediately. She stands totally still, face unreadable.
Los Angeles, Elizabeth, 2014
I should be heartbroken. Hearing those words should shatter my existence. There was a time they would have. But hearing that he loves her is actually comforting, in a way. Knowing he wasn't alone all these years. Knowing he had someone to share his life with, laugh with and cry with. It helps ease the guilt, a little.
"That's good. Tell me about her. How'd you meet?" I want to know about his life. His life, and hers, and the kids. I want to know that they're okay.
"It's… um… not that flattering of a story, actually." He looks nervous, he always is when he has to talk about himself. He always comes across a little shy, but he's just not an open book. Neither am I, so I guess pot meets kettle. But we both pushed past that, with each other at least. There was a time when we each other sanctuaries, especially late at night in the comfortable darkness of out bedroom. He walks back over to the couch sits down and takes a sip of water.
Los Angeles, Henry, 2014
It's selfish really. That she was able to sit here and tell me that she had been, hurt. And I am having trouble telling her, well anything. But she deserves to know.
She follows me to the couch snuggling herself into the corner facing me. She brings her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around them. She's settling in for the story. It's the way she always sat when she listened to me read a current copy of my dissertation or a Chekov novel, or poetry. The way she looked at me when I read to her. Her eyes filled with pure love and admiration.
"We met in a bar. I had just moved the kids back to Pittsburgh. Um, I couldn't stand being in DC anymore. And honestly, I needed my mom to help me with the kids. I just couldn't do it alone anymore. Maureen of all people actually kept them for the night. She told me to go out with Shane and his buddies. To have a fun night. That my depression was really bumming everyone out. "
Pittsburgh, Henry, 2005
"Hey, Watch out!" a woman's voice yells at me, a fraction of a second before a dart bounces off my head. Before I can wrap my head around what's going on, a pretty red-head is in my face.
"Are you okay? I'm so sorry! Are you bleeding?" She looks incredibly concerned, and I chuckle.
"I'm fine."
"No, you're bleeding. I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible aim" She starts dabbing at my brow with a napkin.
"Buy him a drink, he's forgiving." Shane pipes up.
"Yes, I can defiantly do that." She smiles, and I must admit it's a very beautiful smile. I look over to him panic written on my face. I don't think I'm ready for this. I don't think I even remember how to talk to women. And Elizabeth hasn't been gone for that long and I still miss her like crazy. As she turns to walk over to the bar.
"It's just a drink, you'll be fine, brother." Shane whispers to me. So I follow the woman to the bar.
Los Angeles, Elizabeth, 2014
"We talked until last call. And then, went back to her place. Like I said, not exactly flattering."
"So, you marry every woman you screw on the first date?" I meant it as a joke kind of. But it came out harsh and mean and jealous. The thought of him out having fun, having sex with someone else, while I was fighting for my life and being violated every day. Well, it pisses me off. It's really misplaced to yell at Henry. It's Conrad who did this. But it's much easier to yell at a man I know would never hurt me.
"It's not like that." He sounds small. "And for the record, you and I knew each other for seven months before our first date. I did not screw you, we made love that night, or at least, I always thought we did." And he sounds hurt.
We did make love that night. Sometimes I worry that my perception of sex is completely messed up beyond repair nowadays. It's a complete mind fuck, when you have to give your body over to a man to do whatever he wants to it, in order to ensure your survival.
"It's not every couple who says I love you on the first date either is it?" I ask him.
Los Angeles, Henry, 2006
"No, it isn't. That was just us, babe." And I'm hit with a realization. I love Jessica. She has been a great friend to me. She has been a great mother to my children, all five of them. We have shared laughs. She held me the night my mother died. And, I love her.
But Elizabeth is my soulmate. It's like God himself tied us together. He made us for each other. Our weaknesses and strengths counterbalance perfectly. I wonder if she still feels that way about me. I'm about to ask her, when her phone dings. Saved by the bell.
She reaches over to her coffee table and I see her face twist in horror at whatever she is reading.
"Everything, okay?"
"I-It's a text from the President… George… George is… Oh, God George." She sounds heartbroken, and terrified. I move near her to read the message.
Bess, its Conrad. I wanted to be the one to tell you that George was in a car accident tonight. He didn't make it.