Honestly, I can angle how I feel however I want, and everything I've ranted here has been true regarding how I feel. But there's just something so...raw down there, where I just really cannot stand ugly-looking people. I know that sounds like I'm beating a dead horse, like yeah, duh. But I can't really stress enough how deeply rooted that is.
It's just so raw, that it hurts.
And I feel so alone. I feel so alone, and it's all their fault.
Everything that is bad in the world is ugly-Isn't that what ugly IS? I think that's what's so funny about this. How can you NOT be against ugly people? When you see any drop of ugliness, it has to go.
Because ugliness represents everything bad. And without that, there would be no more bad feeling.
All my life I've only ever been surrounded by example after example after example of this.
Ugly-looking people are the scum of the universe-Those without physical beauty only hurt others, and they only hurt themselves.
But I feel so fucking lonely. And maybe, in the end, that's all I want-I want to be someone who lives to shoulder the pain. It's impossible to get rid of ugly people, and even if you did, it wouldn't even make this pain go away. It'd just be the endless cacophobic cycle, where you know how you feel...but can't get it out.
Maybe the conclusion Panther comes to in Ugly People Must Suffer is the best way of dealing with it? Make the concept of beauty be a thing one person burdens alone-and let everyone else in the world be only bellow them? It gets rid of the cacophobic burden on people's hearts. I mean, in that story, I obviously presented that idea in a very literal way, but in real life it'd not be so simple. I'd be more like you're forcing the issue, and twisting peoples psyches, and that isn't good.
The bottom line is that I just want the pain and loneliness to go away. And ugly people are that pain. Non-beautiful people ARE that loneliness. Everything that is them just...needs to be in pain and suffering, or needs to die. There's no way around that. When they're NOT in that position, something inside of me is broken.
And yes, I'm aware enough to know that I'm suggesting to pain others to stop my own pain. But the difference is that the people I want to pain are barely "people". I don't think they are-The fact that they betray physicality itself pisses me off.
No one understands a thing. I try and express myself, but no one listens. I feel so angry, and just-How can a series that relies so much on expressing your true self NOT be on my side? How would the Phantom Thieves NOT be on my side (I know I seem all over the place with whether I think the characters/series are consciously cacophobic, or if they abuse beautiful girls or what. In general, that's just due to the flippity way that the games present this whole thing. I think there's some subconscious cacophobia/understanding of beauty = human value going on, but I think it's largely shit over by the casual attempts to please the average player, and so you end up with nonsense characters that are kinda both at once, ala Ann. The bottom line here is that I WISH the Phantom Thieves would be on my side, but I know they wouldn't be canonically, because of this flaw in the portrayal, and that's what pisses me off so much)
I'm scared that at this point, I only have one option, and it's not a good one.
Either way, I'm making due at the moment by absorbing myself in my writing, both original, and the fanfictions.
I'm honestly glad at the moment to be left largely alone, to just do this. The hate comments & general negativity towards me seems to have died down somewhat lately, which I assume is due to my decision to stop going to other social media, combined with people just being warn out from the entire thing (which in turn is, I assume, a symptom of people realizing I'm legitimately not a troll and I'm legitimately not out here to provoke on purpose, so their usual "annoy them until they fuck off" technique won't work). I'm honestly grateful for it (I do get quite a few, but they're all clearly from the same person, so...). This, plus I think a lot of people are backing off because I've actually begin taking a conscious effort to stamp out misconceptions lately.
Like, I seriously think people stopped caring because they realise the impression of me they had in their heads isn't right.
A lot of people seemed to just want someone to vilify with me.