Act 1, Part 6: True and False

(TW: Self-harm/suicidal ideation)

Idalia wasn't feeling well, and Tianbao knew it. After the kid had made the Soul Shield light up, Idalia had ordered their unit to return back to Ereve immediately. As they had no spare Mimios, the kid – Kari, he remembered – was riding with him, while his mother was riding with Idalia. Mimios grew stronger with their rider, which meant that Idalia's mount was probably the only one that could support them both. Soon after, Tianbao had started noticing the signs. She was incessantly tapping her foot against the Mimio's side, which meant that the restlessness had returned.

It wasn't something that they talked about. He'd barely been a Noblesse for a few months when he'd first seen it happen. She'd kept them up through the whole night running drills. He and the other knights had been exhausted by morning, but Idalia had looked like she'd barely even broken a sweat. One of the older knights had then spoken to her for twenty minutes, trying to convince her to give the class a break. The older knight had then taken over their lessons for a week, while Idalia continued training relentlessly by herself without sleeping or eating. In the end, they'd found her collapsed on the ground, completely knocked out.

Some of the older knights had visited her at the medical room. Tianbao recalled being shocked to hear their account of how Idalia had looked as though the life had been sucked out of her. According to them, she had hardly spoken at all, and when she had, it had barely been more than a whisper. They'd concluded that her lack of energy was because of her severe lack of food and hydration. A month later, Idalia had returned back to normal and had begun instructing again. As she'd given no explanation about the incident, the Noblesses had come to an unspoken agreement that they wouldn't talk about it either.

However, the incidents continued happening intermittently, usually two or three times a year. As the Noblesses didn't speak about it, Tianbao had begun keeping track of it on his own. He'd noticed that the strange behavior would usually manifest after some disagreement between Idalia and the Senate, which would usually result in Idalia loudly and vocally complaining about the Senate for hours. Her rapid-fire, rather disjointed ramblings – in stark contrast to her usual, composed self – was quite unnerving to both him and the other Noblesses, as though she'd been possessed by a different person altogether.

Tianbao supposed that Idalia was too proud, or too embarrassed, to acknowledge it. Still, he couldn't help but think that the Noblesses were making a mistake by covering their eyes and ears. It was hard for him to understand how someone could just stop being themselves, but he also knew that it must be even more terrifying for Idalia herself. For someone who always stressed the importance of being disciplined and being mindful of their actions, not being in control must be unbearable. The Noblesses had their theories – spirit possession, a curse, insanity – but Tianbao would dispel such talk whenever he could. He respected Idalia too much to see her reduced to the subject of gossip.

"Ereve in sight, Ser Idalia," he said, breaking the hour-long silence.

As expected, Idalia said nothing, but merely nodded. She flicked the reins of her Mimio and directed it to start landing. Tianbao and the other Noblesses followed suit, gracefully landing near the stables. Tianbao made sure to slide off first before helping Kari dismount. He watched Idalia do the same with Bianca. Just then, he noticed Idalia staring in annoyance at something behind him. He turned to find a Piyo attendant rushing over to where they were.

"Ser Idal-" the Piyo began.

"They want me in the Senate Hall," she said shortly. "Tell them I'm coming."

Tianbao could tell that she was making a great deal effort to remain civil. He wondered whether it was because she was trying to keep up a good impression for their guests.

"Tianbao-" Idalia began.

"I can take over, Ser Idalia," he said. "Will you be taking our guests?"

Idalia turned to glance at Bianca, who was standing awkwardly with Kari near the Mimios. She sighed, though Tianbao sensed that it wasn't out of annoyance so much as her trying to expel as much anger from herself as possible.

"I know that you don't understand what's going on. That's fine," she said to Bianca. "I'll explain more when I get back from my meeting."

Bianca nodded gratefully. Idalia managed to smile, though it looked more like a grimace.

As she strode briskly towards the Senate Hall, Tianbao called out, "I'll make preparations for our guests."

Idalia barely registered his words. Her head was on fire. Her thoughts were crashing against each other violently, like an ocean at high tide. She'd been thinking about what the elders would say the whole ride back. There was a small voice somewhere in the recesses of her mind trying to shout over the white noise. She shook her head furiously, hoping that it would make things quieter. When that didn't work, she slapped herself hard across the face.

It stung sharply, and her jagged armor cut against her cheek, causing a trickle of blood to leak out. The pain dulled her mind, but as the feeling receded, the elders' voices resumed ringing through her head. As their rebukes and insults incessantly knocked against her mind, she found that she couldn't tell which ones came from memory and which ones she'd created.

"Shut up." she muttered to herself. "Just shut up. Just for a few moments."

She strode into the Senate Hall, where the elders were already waiting.

"Do you understand what you've don-" Kio began.

"Save it," Idalia interrupted. "I don't have the patience for this today. I have important news."

"Ah, I see. This is another one of your bouts, isn't it?" Kio accused.

"Kio, this isn't the time," Kirima admonished. "I want to know the meaning of this, but just look at her. She's been fighting and she looks exhausted."

"Agreed," Kira said. "Let's keep this short and purposeful. Ser Idalia, proceed."

"We didn't come into contact with the Tarheeds-"

"A small comfort," Kio said sardonically.

Idalia balled her fists. "We did, however, rescue two refugees. A mother and a son. They were being pursued by an unidentified dark magician. The Noblesses and I forced him to retreat, after which we found that the Soul Shield reacted to the child. That's all."

"What?" Kira asked. "You've found the true successor?"

"It is. And if that's all, I'd like to return to my quarters now."

"Stop right there," Kio's voice rang out. "This discussion isn't over. There is still the matter of your reprimand for your actions."

"For Shinsoo's sake, Kio, she's bleeding," Kirima whispered nervously. "And that wound looks self-inflicted. You're going to put us all in danger."

"Kio, I advise you not to let your zeal overshadow your sense of duty," Kira said. "Nevertheless, Kirima, he is right. This situation is serious enough that castigation is warranted immediately. Ser Idalia, against the direct mandate of the Senate, you've taken an entire unit of Noblesses into battle without authorization. Please explain yourself."

"Didn't you say that we'd keep this short?" Idalia said in irritation. "Give out whatever punishment you want. I'm beyond caring at this moment."

"This is precisely what I mean," Kio fumed. "This attitude, this willfulness. I've been saying it all along. She's not fit to serve as the Knight of Light. She doesn't understand what it means to be a leader."

The wall holding back her anger collapsed. "You absolute irrelevance. Leadership? What right do you have to lecture me about leadership? The world below burns in flames. Countless innocents with no homes. Have you ever been without a home before? Maybe I should bring the two refugees that I brought with me before you. A mother and a child with their entire village burned down. What will it take for you to understand? Should I burn this island to cinders? Strike down the pillars and watch them collapse in disgrace?"

Kio's eyes widened as Idalia drew her sword to demonstrate her point. Kira opened his mouth to chastise her, but Idalia's voice drowned out whatever he may have said as she hurled out her words like poisoned arrows.

"Shinsoo told me everything. You have no authority over the Noblesses. You've been keeping us all trapped in this cage with the rest of you. You're so certain that the world will turn on us that you're willing to let it destroy itself first. The whole lot of you are cowards and hypocrites."

"Have you lost your mind?" Kio squawked. "Have you actually taken leave of your senses? Your reason?"

Idalia began laughing uncontrollably and buried her face in her hand. "There it is. The truth at last. You always said I'm not fit for my role. I'm too impulsive. Too undisciplined. But those were just excuses, weren't they? Because it's not incompetency, is it? It's insanity. Ser Idalia. The madwoman of Ereve. The great shame of this nation. Because you'll only see what you want. I don't know how to make you understand. I've tried reason. I've tried performing. All that's left is the anger. Tell me – tell me what I should do with it. Tell me!"

The elders inched into their seats at her abrupt yell. Kio had a mix of indignation and fear on his face, while Kirima and Kida looked completely unnerved at the sight of Idalia yelling with her sword unsheathed.

"Honestly, I feel like I could do anything I wanted right now. Do you want to know what I'd do first? I'd let all that feeling burst out of me. I'd sprout wings and fly far away from this miserable place. I wonder. Why don't I try it? Wouldn't that be great fun? To jump off the edge of this island? You'd never have to see me again. I bet they wouldn't even find anything left of me to bury. Would you like that? Would you call me mad then?"

"Should we get Shinsoo?" Kirima whispered in concern.

"Call the Knights and arrest her," Kio whispered back.

"No, I can handle this," Kira said. "The two of you – Kio, you in particular – say nothing. The last thing we need is provocation and escalation."

He turned to Idalia. "Ser Idalia, why don't we end here for today? I'm sure that we've all said things that we regret-"

"Regret? My only regret is that Tianbao's trials are now meaningless. All because of you. You kept us trapped on this rock. We could've found a successor years ago, and saved him the insult of examining him just so that he could be cast aside. But then, it all fits, doesn't it?" she laughed humorlessly. "Why it glowed for no Noblesse. It's because this place is tainted. The beacon wouldn't dare shine so close to the lot of you. Well, you got what you wanted in the end. A replacement for your broken vessel. Be sure not to break this one. He's just a child."

She turned and briskly strode out of the Senate Hall, barely registering Kida attempting to call her back. Everything was hurting. That ball of energy fueling her wrath wasn't fading. But still, she was exhausted. It was the most painful sensation, to feel a desperate need to run, to scream, to fight, even as her limbs turned into iron. The hot tears were flowing down her cheeks, blurring her vision. She dragged herself to the stables, where she could be sure that there would be no people.

The Mimios purred as she threw herself into a haystack. It felt like someone had set her the inside of her head on fire. Staying still was torturous, but moving was exhausting. The few rays of sunlight peeking through the cracks in the roof made her skin crawl, and so she buried her face in the hay, hoping to make it all go quiet.

"Sensei?" Tianbao's voice rang out.

Perfect. The last person that she wanted to see was here. She took a deep breath and sat up, brushing aside the straw in her face.

"Something you need?" she asked.

"I, um, I wanted to check how you were doing," he said hesitantly. "You seemed a bit quiet earlier, and I- I wanted to see if you were okay."

"I'm fine," she lied, smiling unconvincingly. "I was tending to the Mimios and got a bit tired. Flying non-stop wasn't the best idea in retrospect. But I'm fine. Excellent, in fact. Never been better."

Tianbao looked down awkwardly and shuffled his feet. "You know, you can be honest with me."

"About what?"

"You know… whatever's wrong."

"There's nothing wrong with me," she said sharply.

"No," he affirmed. "But that doesn't mean that nothing is wrong."

"Even if there was, it's nothing that I can't handle. I have everything under control. Really. It's not something that you should be worried about. You must already have enough on your mind."

"If you're talking about the succession, I don't care about that. I was only ever going to be in a ceremonial role until the true inheritor was found. We just happened to find him a bit earlier, that's all."

"I- no," she shook her head. "You worked so hard for it. It's not fair. I strung you along. I should've done better. I have to fix this all somehow. I know I can do it, I just- I just need everything to slow down, just for a minute. Just long enough that I can hear myself think."

"Please, sensei," Tianbao said, frowning. "You don't need to worry about me. The succession isn't important, not as long as there's still a Knight of Light. You didn't do anything wrong, there's no blame in this."

"Isn't there?" she laughed mirthlessly. "All I hear is blame. The elders, the Senate, they're waiting to see me fall. Every day, I feel under siege." She pointed to her temple. "I can't make them be quiet today, not in there. They're clawing at me. They're relentless. And I can't- I can't say that it's happening. Because that makes it real. Then- Then they'll all see it. If it were just a bit darker, I could make it go quiet. I could think. And once I think, I could find a way out. I could fix it."

"Sensei, you're- you're not making sense," Tianbao said. He hated this part the most, when he couldn't follow what she was saying. It was clearly important enough for her to put so much emotion behind the words, but the words were all tangled up. "Please, just tell me what's going on. If it's about the succession, or the elders, or all of it – I want to help. Just tell me how I can help."

Idalia's voice cracked. "You can't! Don't you see? I don't know how. I don't know what to do. I know I'm not what they wanted. I'm not good enough for them. I can't win. I want to give up. No matter how much I try, all they'll ever see me as is Ser Idalia, the demented knight who lost her reason and her dignity. And they- they don't even know. They don't know what they're- what it's- it's all doing to me. I can't keep doing this. I'm being squeezed, inside and out. And even though I made it out alive, they still want more. I didn't shatter. That should've been enough. I can barely think. But to them, I'm substandard for having cracked at all."

She suddenly took deep breaths in and out, having expended all the air in her lungs while talking. After a few moments, she stabilized her breathing and cradled her head in her hands. Tianbao gingerly sat next to her on the haystack and spent several moments in painful silence.

"I think they were right," Idalia said finally. "A cracked glass can't hold anything. Look at me. I'm spilling everywhere, all over you. I can't even keep this mess to myself."

Tianbao pulled her into a hug. "Then let it spill. I don't mind."

Idalia couldn't tell when the tears started flowing, but before she knew it, she was clinging tightly to Tianbao, sobbing quietly in his soft fur. She was clinging to him as though he would disappear the moment she let go. All her reservations about being vulnerable before a subordinate slowly faded as she nuzzled into him, as though she were three years old and clinging to her stuffed animals. She couldn't remember how long it had been since she'd taken away her own privilege of being comforted.

"And they're wrong, by the way. You're not a cracked glass," Tianbao said softly. "You're overflowing right now, because a glass can only hold as much as it was meant to. They poured it all into you, when they should've shared the burden with others. You did everything right. Don't let them make everything you did into nothing. You're exceptional, sensei. You've done so much for me. For everyone. Let me do this for you now."

The minutes passed into hours as Idalia slowly cried out all the energy she had. At some point, she drifted off to sleep, the exhaustion of staying up the whole night finally hitting her. It was dark when she finally sat up and wiped her eyes. Tianbao was snoring softly beside her, resting comfortably on the haystack.

A wave of shame rolled over her as she felt the full weight of having been comforted by a boy whom she'd trained herself for years. It was her job to be there for him, she thought, not the other way around. Whatever Tianbao had said, she'd still turned her burden into his. And in doing so, she'd just proven to the elders that they were right. A guardian was meant to be strong enough to shield others, not to cry themselves to sleep into their arms like a child.

She considered carrying Tianbao back to his quarters, but she decided against it. He'd stayed up all of last night too, and she didn't want to cement her embarrassment with another heartfelt conversation. She instead unclasped her cape and draped it over him like a blanket before quietly leaving the stable and making her way back to the House of Noblesse. She considered herself fortunate that it was dark, which meant that she didn't run into any of the knights as she quietly climbed the stairs to the top floor.

By the time that the sun rose, she'd been lying awake in her bed the entire night. She heard the clamor of the knights' daily routine outside, but she'd made sure to lock the door so that she wouldn't be disturbed when Tianbao would inevitably arrive, if nothing else but to return her cloak. She trusted that he'd be used to being locked out. She wasn't deaf to all the clandestine talk about her behavior. She was grateful to Tianbao and the older knights for hushing it all up, and for picking up the slack when she couldn't bring herself to even leave her room.

Isolation was simple, and something that she was an expert at. Every moment passed by at the pace of a small eternity. Her mind was still crowded, picking apart her insecurities in different voices. Most of them were those of the irate elders. Other times, it was a disappointed Shinsoo or Tianbao. She hated those the most. She'd never liked the elders to begin with, but it was different to hear it from people whom she respected. She couldn't turn it off, nor did she have the energy to distract herself like she always did, typically from practicing her swordsmanship for days on end.

"My name is Idalia," she said aloud. "Truth."

It was a game that her father had taught her. A silly way to distract herself when there weren't any others. It wasn't even a game, really. It was just a way for her to affirm what was real and what she was just being told in her head.

"I'm the most unpopular Knight of Light in history. False. Ser Liana once broke the Soul Shield and tried to use Shinsoo's Teardrop to bring back her dead husband."

"Tianbao won't respect me. False. He said the opposite… even if I'm sure that he lied."

"The elders are going to replace me. Truth. They're probably coming to seize the Soul Shield as we speak."

"I want to drink myself to sleep. Truth. It's a shame that Ereve has nothing strong enough."

Two hours passed uneventfully as she slowly made her way down a list of her insecurities. Whatever else her father was, he'd at least been right about this. She'd gotten invested enough that she'd partially forgotten about her despondency.

"Kirima has the most high-pitched squawk of all the elders. False. Kio sounds like a whistle when he's mad enough."

"Kari is going to be a better Knight of Light than me. Truth. The bar is really low."

"Kari's mother is named Bianca. Truth."

"Bianca has blue eyes. False. They're chocolate-brown and almond shaped. Almost sounds like a dessert."

"Bianca has a nice smile. Truth."

Before she knew it, the subject of the game became fixed.

"Bianca's had a boyfriend before. Truth. I mean, she has a kid, so that was pretty obvious."

She paused for a moment. "Bianca's had a girlfriend before."

"…False. Kari's dad was probably her one and only."

Her chest was starting to ache like a cavity. She didn't know why.

"Bianca's kissed a girl before. Truth. I mean, that's normal, right? Just to try it out. You can't just look at a girl that pretty without feeling something. And really, hasn't everyone met at least one girl that they'd want to kiss?"

"Like for example, Bianca is a girl that I'd want to kiss. Truth. See? Nothing to think too hard about."

"Bianca would want to kiss me."

"…Abstain."

"…"

"…"

"Bianca would want to be with me."

"…"

"…False. She's so… her. And I'm… I'm… I- don't know what I am anymore. But people like her… they don't belong with people like me. And this isn't despondency talking, for the record. And I know I'm keeping the record, but still. My job is to die, preferably in some sufficiently heroic blaze of glory that they can put on my headstone and my biography. Her job is to take care of her son, who I've just taken to train so that he can die just like me. Outstanding work, Idalia. There's no way that she won't hate me once she finds out."

"…You know, I don't think I want to play this game anymore."

Five more hours passed by in unbearable silence. Idalia still couldn't sleep, and her thoughts were now overflowing with Bianca. The ache in her chest was getting worse. Her mind was running away, lost in different fantasies. In one, she and Bianca were childhood friends who practiced kissing by the river for when they got boyfriends of their own. In another, she was a knight who rescued the princess Bianca from a tower guarded by an evil wizard.

She'd allow each fantasy to run its course before the pang in her chest began throbbing, as though to remind her that what she wanted was impossible. It was an ugly sensation that made her want to start crying. No matter how many times she pounded away at that ache with her fist, it kept feeling like she could scarcely breathe.

She was vaguely aware of her stomach grumbling, even though she had no appetite. Tianbao would usually bring a tray to her door around this time, despite it almost always remaining untouched. As her thoughts turned back to him, the shame that she'd felt earlier returned. She couldn't bear to look him in the eye anymore, not when she'd lost her composure in such a way in front of him.

It would be different, she told herself, if she'd been a fellow Noblesse. But she was his leader, and she had no business falling apart in front of him, as though she were a small child that needed to be taken care of by someone who was several years her junior.

"Life would be better if I couldn't feel. Truth."

She rolled over and buried her head in her pillow, trying to ignore the unbearable rush of thoughts in her head. There was too much to feel, too much to think, and it was all going far too fast. She barely registered the sound of something being placed outside her door and a gentle knock.

"Sensei, it's almost nightfall. You should eat something. I've left some food, and your cape. I'll be back later to pick up the tray. I… I hope you feel better soon," Tianbao said gently.

Idalia heard the sound of his footsteps recede. Somehow, his words made her feel even worse. She didn't feel like eating, but that meant that his kind gesture would be for nothing because of her, and the guilt of that made her want to eat even less. She let herself fester in the feeling, in the awareness of being pushed against the grain of time. The only source of light in her room had gone away at sunset, but still, she pulled the covers over her head, as though she didn't need to exist if she couldn't be seen.

She stayed like that as she counted the minutes. Eventually, she lost track of how long it had been. Her hunger was starting to mix with her fatigue, making her feel so tired that she didn't think that she could even move to get her tray if she tried.

"This is all a waste. Truth," she thought, too exhausted to even say the words aloud.

"I'm tired. Truth."

"I don't care. Truth."

"I give up. Tru-"

A gentle knock on the door interrupted her thoughts.

"Um, excuse me. Ser Idalia? This is Bianca."

Idalia's heart skipped several beats as she quickly sat up upon hearing the words. A rush of energy unexpectedly compelled her to get up and rush over to the door. Suddenly, however, she stopped herself from opening it. She didn't want to do this now.

"Ser Tianbao sent me," Bianca explained. "He said that you'd be able to explain more about Kari?"

Tianbao couldn't have chosen a worse time, she thought. He probably knew what he was doing too. She sighed quietly. Regardless, this was part of her responsibilities. Whatever she was feeling, she had no business having it come in the way of her duties. She closed her eyes for a moment to center herself before opening the door. Bianca was holding Tianbao's tray out for her.

"I found this outside your door. I think you might've missed it," she said.

"Oh, um, thank you," Idalia replied awkwardly. She took the tray from Bianca and set it on her desk. It was then that she realized just how messy her room was, with her unmade bed and the disorganized stack of papers strewn across the floor and her desk.

"I'm sorry about the mess, I'm not usually like this," she said quickly. "Or, er, that's to say, the room isn't like this. Sorry, I've just, um, been feeling a bit unwell today."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Bianca said in concern. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Thank you," she smiled, half-forced and half-gracious. "I think I'll be fine with some rest."

"I'm sorry to have disturbed you, I can come back later-"

"No, stay," Idalia insisted. "I'm sure you must be overwhelmed with everything that's happened. It's the least I can do to put you more at ease."

Bianca smiled and Idalia felt her heart beat faster. "You're very kind. If you haven't had your dinner yet, feel free to eat. There's nothing like a good meal to keep your energy up when you're not feeling well. That's what my sister-in-law always says-"

Bianca suddenly caught herself as her face fell. "Or, that's what she used to say."

"I'm so sorry for your loss," Idalia immediately said. "I can't imagine how you must be feeling. If there's anything I can do – anything at all – to help, please don't hesitate to let me know."

Bianca nodded silently, trying to compose herself. Idalia quickly grabbed a napkin from her tray and handed it to Bianca, who used it to dab at her eyes. After a few moments, she softly exhaled before smiling.

"Thank you," she said, wringing the napkin in her hands unconsciously. "Not just for this, but for everything else too. Saving me and Kari, bringing us somewhere safe, I'm terrified to think what would've happened if you and your knights hadn't been there."

"I was just, um, doing my duty," Idalia said awkwardly.

"Even still, you saved our lives. I'm forever in your debt."

Idalia felt herself grow warm. She wasn't used to being praised, and though it made her uncomfortable, part of her couldn't help but feel a rush to hear the words from Bianca herself. Unable to find a way to respond, she simply nodded.

"Well, let's get to it," Idalia said. "I'm sure that you have many questions about everything that's happening. I myself don't understand the full picture, like that dark magician, for instance. But let's start with what's known. Are you familiar with the Knight of Light?"

"I'm afraid not, I'm sorry," Bianca answered.

"No need to be sorry. I can't imagine that people would know anything about Ereve after all these centuries of disconnect. The Knight of Light is the anointed guardian of the Empress. There have been generations of Knights of Light, tracing back to the dawn of Ereve itself, leading all the way up myself in present day. The Knight of Light bears an artifact called the Soul Shield. It has many powers, with one of them being that it glows in the hands of one who it deems worthy as its wielder. This is how the Knight's successor chosen."

Bianca's eyes slightly widened in understanding. "You mean… Kari has been chosen?"

"…Yes," Idalia said, taking in Bianca's expression. "I'm sorry if I've overwhelmed you even further. We can take this slowly-"

"No, please continue. I want to understand it all. What does… what does being the Knight of Light mean for him?"

"To put it shortly, he'll be trained as my successor. He's quite young right now, which means that he won't be doing anything remotely dangerous for quite a few years," Idalia reassured. "He'll be tutored by some of the finest scholars in Ereve. He'll learn about things like history, language, mathematics, philosophy – in short, all the things he'll need to be a leader."

"I see…" Bianca said slowly. "But he'll learn about combat eventually?"

"Only when he's old enough, I promise. Ereve is probably the safest place in Maple World. He won't be sent to fight below for quite a number of years, if at all. The Knight of Light's responsibility is to defend the Empress. While they do lead the Noblesses, they only leave the Empress' side for important missions, such as the one that led me to meet you. And in any case, he'll only take on the role after my passing or retirement. I can't speak for when I'll pass, but I assure you that I plan to stay in this role for as long as possible. Especially now, when I can give Kari as much time to learn as possible."

Something about talking to Bianca made her feel more like herself. The confidence that had left her had returned, at least in some capacity. She knew that it would probably disappear after Bianca left, but it felt nice to have a respite from her feelings.

Bianca nodded in relief. "So he won't be in danger then."

Idalia hesitated. "Er, please don't misunderstand. I can promise his safety while he's under my care, but the time will come one day when I won't be there to help him. He'll have the responsibility to protect the Empress, the Noblesses, and the people of Maple World. He'll need to take risks and put himself into danger for the sake of defending others." Upon seeing Bianca's hesitant face, she quickly added, "But by then, he'll be a fully-fledged knight, an adult. He'll have the skills needed to protect himself. I promise on my honor that I'll make him ready."

Idalia sat quietly as Bianca considered her words. She realized that it was only natural for Bianca to be worried. Her village had been attacked and at least one member of her family had been killed. Any parent would be hesitant about letting their child become a soldier, but that was especially true when they had precious few family members left.

"I won't lie, it scares me," Bianca finally said. "To me, Kari is just a little boy. To think of him holding a sword and going off into battle… it terrifies me. Every part of me wants to say no."

"And that's completely fine," Idalia assuaged. "You're his mother, and the decision is yours alone. But even still, you and Kari are welcome to stay in Ereve for as long as you like. You've both been through so much. And with that dark magician still out there, you're still in danger. You'll always have a place here."

"I-" she said, clearly surprised. "T-Thank you. You… you don't know how much that means to hear you say," Bianca said, her eyes sparkling. "And you're right. He and I are both in danger, and I have to think about his safety. And if that means letting him learn how to defend himself… if I can't keep him safe, then I have to give him that chance."

Bianca used the napkin to dry her tears again. Idalia awkwardly looked away to give her some semblance of privacy. She wasn't good at this sort of thing, especially not when she could barely handle her own emotions. She wondered whether she ought to say anything, or to try to comfort her, but she found herself too awkward to do anything more than looking down at her lap. After a few moments, Bianca managed to pull herself together.

"I'm so sorry," she apologized. "I'm usually not like this."

Idalia let out a small laugh. "Don't be. If I remember correctly, I think I said the same thing earlier. And now that you're staying, we'll get the chance to know each other better in the future."

"I'd love that," Bianca smiled sincerely. Idalia could swear that there were little butterflies flapping around in her stomach. She prayed that her face wasn't turning red.

"W-Well, now that we've got that settled, maybe we could talk about what happened in Hemant. That is," she added. "Only if you're comfortable talking about it. We don't have to do it all tonight."

"No, I think… I think it's better if we do it now, while it's still fresh in my mind." Bianca replied.

She took a deep breath before proceeding.

"Honestly, I don't understand much of it myself. That man, Kirston. I've never met him in my life. But he seemed to know who I was, although he called me by another name. Elmina. I don't know who that is, but he seemed sure that it was me. From what he said, he'd been looking for me. I don't know for how long, but I could swear that someone had been watching me all of yesterday. My sister-in-law had felt someone watching us when we'd been talking that morning too. He broke into our house with magic and put this on me."

Bianca pulled out the old ring from her pocket, as well as the black tome.

"He said that he'd been waiting twenty-two years for my magic to mature. Then he had me open the book while I was wearing the ring. But the strangest thing was that when I put my hand to the book, it flipped open on its own. Look."

Bianca slipped on the ring and held her hand over the book, which indeed flipped open to a random page. Idalia leaned forward in interest and began reading the text.

"This language is ancient," Idalia noted, flipping through the pages. "I can't make sense of most of it, but there are a few scribbles in the margins that seem to have been written at a later point. The writing is pretty messy, but I can make out a few words. 'Spirit'… 'memory'… but nothing that gives away what this is all supposed to be."

"The thing is… that writing is mine."

"What do you mean?"

"It's in my handwriting. Even the ancient text… the loops, the curves in shapes… they're just like how I do them. But I don't remember writing any of this. I've never seen this book in my life, and I don't know anything about the ancient language."

"That's quite strange…" Idalia mused. "Is it possible that your memories of writing this were erased?"

"I'd considered that… but I can't recall any lapses in my memory. I guess that it could've happened when I was younger, but I can't imagine a child writing a book like this. But if that really is the case… then that means I must've known Kirston at some point too. He spoke to me as though we'd known each other well. But I don't have any memories of him either."

"Is there anything else that Kirston said about the book that you can remember?"

"He called it… the Book of Ancient? Does that mean anything to you?"

"The Book of Ancient… I can't say that it does. But Ereve has one of the largest libraries in Maple World. If there are any records about it, I'm sure that we'll be able to find it here. For now, though… I'm curious about something. You said that the ring is the key to opening it?"

"I think so. Here, if I close it," Bianca said, shutting the book. "Try opening it now."

Idalia took the book and attempted to open it. The cover refused to budge, as though held shut by an invisible force.

"I wonder… is it the ring that's the key, or you?" Idalia mused. "Maybe the book only opens if you're the one wearing the ring. May I?" she asked, pointing to the ring.

"Oh, of course," Bianca said.

She slipped the ring off her finger and held it out to Idalia, who put it on and attempted to open the book again. As her hand reached the cover, the ring immediately began glowing, just as it had on Bianca's finger. The book immediately flipped open to the first page.

"Hmm, so I guess that the ring was the key after-" Idalia's voice trailed off as she read the text. "Wait. This is…"

"What?"

"This writing… it's not the same as it was before," Idalia said. "Look, the shape of these characters is completely different."

"Are they?" Bianca asked in surprise. She leaned forward to look closer. "Um, this is a bit embarrassing to say, but I've already forgotten what the old text was," she laughed, rubbing the back of her head with her hand. "You must be pretty sharp to have picked that up in a single glance."

Idalia turned slightly pink. "I think you're appraising me a bit too highly there. It's just part of my training as a knight to pay attention to things that you normally wouldn't."

"I think you're selling yourself a bit short, Idalia. Oh, sorry, I mean Ser Idalia."

"No, please. You can call me Idalia, um, if you want. Ser is just what the knights say."

Idalia cursed herself in her mind. She was the Knight of Light, she chided herself, not a fawning schoolgirl.

"I see," Bianca beamed. "Well then, Idalia, it's like I said – you're selling yourself short. You're strong, perceptive, and kind. I think anyone with those qualities would make for an excellent knight… and a good friend."

Idalia automatically opened her mouth to wave away the praise, but she found that she had no words. The way that Bianca had said it was so genuine that Idalia had no choice but to believe it herself. Suddenly, she realized that her mouth was still hanging open.

Bianca laughed. "I'm guessing that you're not used to people saying nice things. If I'm being honest, I'm not either. Every time I hear a compliment, I just want to swat it away. I don't know why, either. It feels like it's all a joke, like no one would actually mean it."

"That's… exactly it," Idalia confessed. "And you just have to drag yourself down before anyone else can do it first."

"Yeah. And before you know it, you're not even on your own side anymore. But something I realized was that when I hear it from Kari, I don't question it. And I think it's because he's only five. He always says what he means. Rosalina – my sister-in-law – would always say that we can learn a lot from kids. That's why I try to mean everything I say too. I know not everyone has someone like Kari in their lives, so if I can be that person for them, I'd like to. And if it's okay for me to say, I'd like to be there for you too. I know that it's not easy to accept the words, but I want you to know that I'll always be honest with you."

"I-" Idalia looked down at Bianca taking her hands into her own. It was a foreign sensation that she was feeling, to be offered something unconditionally by someone else. It was similar to the warmth that she felt with Shinsoo, but while Shinsoo's warmth was like sunlight, Bianca's was like the fire at the hearth, traveling from their interlocked hands and warming every part of her body.

Idalia smiled sincerely for the first time in days. "I'd like that. And I'd like to be there for you too. Not just as a knight, I mean, but… as a friend."

"A friend… that would be nice," Bianca said. There was no mistake this time, Idalia's ears were glowing.

The rest of the night passed by in the blink of an eye. When Bianca finally left, Idalia sat back at her desk. She noticed the tray of cold food and pulled it towards her. As she stuffed a loaf of bread into her mouth, she recalled how just a few hours ago, she'd decided that she wouldn't touch her food. It was strange, she thought, how a visit from a stranger could have made such a difference.

"Not a stranger… a friend."

Idalia had never had a friend since coming to Ereve. She'd been surrounded by instructors at first, then her own apprentices. And never in a thousand years would she ever consider the Senators and elders anything more than nuisances at best. And while Shinsoo was kind, she wasn't a friend as much as she was a mother. But Bianca was something new and unique. A peer of her own age. Someone who'd come from the outside, separate from the entanglements of her messy world.

"And if it's okay for me to say, I'd like to be there for you too… I want you to know that I'll always be honest with you."

It felt nice for such lovely words to echo in her head for once. Words that filled the space when her hope had left her behind. Warmth that filled the gap between her spirit and her bones.

"I'm alone. False. That's false. It's false. Just saying that and really meaning it… makes me feel something that doesn't hurt, for once."

"Bianca is my friend. Truth… I'm not alone, not anymore. There's someone out there who wants me around. Not Ser Idalia, Knight of Light, just me."

"And I think… I think I love her."

"Truth."