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Edd LLC

Arc 2

Chapter 3- Not gonna start now

"In .5 miles, you will have reached your destination." The GPS voice announced off of the phone on the van's dash. Its robotic tone echoing off its walls. "On the right!"

Those were the first words uttered since the Kanker and Ed started their trek from their last delivery. The two of them just staying quiet in the van. Lee at the wheel, stone faced and angry just under the surface. Double D just sitting in his seat, wishing he didn't let Lee use it for GPS. He could have used it to call for help, or at least distract himself. So they mostly just stared out the window, eyes front. Dead quiet.

It was a long silence too. Most deliveries that day had been in downtown. All the customers being at work or on the corner waiting for them. Lots of day time traffic. But now? After a brief stint on the freeway, the two were... on the better side of town. The suburbs. Each house and yard were old and identical. Built decades ago. Two story, garage, yards. Trim and immaculate. Family homes but for people who could afford it. Especially in summer heat. Even the paint was the same.

Quite the contrast to the hustle and bustle of down town, or the grime and shine of where the Kankers lived.

The real question was, what were they doing there? Lee and Double D had already passed by the super market of this gated community. Whoever bought the potatoes could've got them there instead of paying extra using a delivery app.

The smartest of the Ed's had thought about it non-stop since they got the alert. It went nowhere. Everything from saucer aliens wanting a test subject, to a breaking bad drug style shoot out, to the still walking corpse of granny Kanker wanting to kill them both. Though, that all changed after they got to the suburbs and past the local market. Now he thought it was Lee's grandson from the future, come back to the past to tell her she must breed with a certain young man to save the world from a robot uprising. Her only clue being he had a hat he never took off. Double D had no idea why he had that thought, but was all he could come up with.

"I've been streaming with Eddy too much." Double D mumbled as the van slowed to a halt.

"You have arrived at your destination." The GPS voice announced before the screen went blank.

Double D didn't dare look at his old bully turned…whatever she was now. So instead, he looked at the house they stopped at. It was identical to the others in the 'Pink Peach Gardens' gated community. The only real difference was that the house had a green mini-van sitting in its driveway. It was fresh and pretty expensive looking. Even for this place. It was slick and clean. Though, there was something on its back. Just above its bumper. An old, faded sticker. It read 'Birthday girl'.

Suddenly, the phone pinged. Telling them both that the customer knew they were there. The door to the house opened. A man walked out, standing on his front porch. He looked... happy. Eager, even. Oh, and there was a little girl in pigtails standing behind him. She was clutching his leg.

The man swatted her hand away and closed the door in the little girl's face.

Double D squinted at that. As for Lee… she was squeezing the wheel so hard her knuckle's popped.

"Stay in the car." Lee told him, getting out of the van. The sack of potatoes in her hand.

Double D did. But that didn't mean he just sat here. The crafty Ed opened the glove compartment and pulled out the homemade spy gear that Eddy had him make, or as Ed called it- his creep kit. Grabbing the device with the antenna and cone on it, Double D pointed at Lee as she approached the customer. Right through the glass of the window.

…Yeah, he almost blasted his ears off. It was so loud. Double D had to recalibrate it. As he did. Double D got a better look at the buyer who started all this.

He looked like he was middle-aged. Slumpy with a noticeable beer belly. He wore a bright green sweater vest over a dark green dress shirt and gray pants. His light brown hair was thick and wavy. His skin tone was a bit off. Somewhere between paper pale and light gray. Obviously, he didn't get a lot of sun.

Honestly, he looked like a 9-5 soccer dad that needed to lay off the fast food. Someone who fit right in this neighborhood. If anything, he probably grew up in that very house. The only thing that stuck out, his smile. He looked at Lee like she was a Valkyrie, come to take him to suburban Valhalla.

But Lee herself? Lee was not happy.

Double D noticed the mailbox for the first time. It was right next to his door of all things. The name stuck out.

'Simp.'

"-Johny."Double D finally got his equipment right. Lee glared at the customer. The two were only a few feet apart. This 'Johnny' was about to take another step, but Lee dropped the sack of potatoes at his feet. Stopping him. "You're banned. Did you use your wife's account?"

"I-I had to see you, Lee." Johny stuttered, a pleading tear was welling up in his eye at her. His smile grew the more he heard Lee talk to him.

"You seen me." Lee folded her arms at him, turning back to the van. "We're done."

"Wait, Lee." The buyer reached his hand out and grabbed Lee's wrist. In the back, that same little girl's head popped up in a window behind them. She was looking at her dad, then at Lee. "Just got a new TV. Surround sound. Plenty of drinks and snacks. You still partial to whiskey and extra hot salsa?"

"Get your hand off me." Lee said, her voice was cold as ice.

"How about Vodka and steak?" The soccer dad asked, his hand still on her wrist. Lee didn't say anything. She just turned around and stared at him. Hard. The buyer had the sense to let go and back off a step. "Its the good stuff."

"Go back into your home." Lee ordered, pointing at his house. Actually, the eldest Kanker sister's finger was aimed at the little girl seeing all this. "Stay there. Forget we ever met."

"Lee, please." The man pleaded. No, he begged. "This isn't you. What happened to the nice girl who delivered my daughter's birthday cake?"

"I to-told you." Lee stuttered, but not from anger. It was something else. Lee's head tilted a bit. She was looking at the little girl in the house. "I don't do guys with kids."

"You did before!" The man shouted. He was getting angry now.

"I thought you were the uncle or something that got roped into the party." Lee grumbled, lowering her arms to her side. Her fists shaking. "You were in the back away from everyone. You were halfway through a six pack! Some other dude was helping the little girl blow out the candles."

"My dumb brother can play daddy all he wants. I don't care!" Johny spat. He stared hard at Lee, anger in his eyes… then he deflated with a sigh. "Besides, its not like she'll rememb-"

Lee punched him in the gut. Hard. All the air in his lungs huffed out before he fell over on his side. A look of shock on his face as he put his hands where she hit him. You know that full head of hair? A wig. More of a rag of scruff really. The top of his head was shiny and smooth. With two strips of Velcro on the top. Even the sides of his head had nothing there.

"I-I see you a-again I'll call the co-cops." Lee stuttered, her whole body shaking now. Again, not an ounce of anger on her. Lee was going to turn away again, but the idiot didn't didn't take the hint this time. Grabbing her ankle. It was the saddest, most pathetic thing the smart Ed had ever seen- And Double D had grown up with a kid who carried around a piece of wood as his best friend until high school.

"Pl-Please…" The soccer dad wheezed, forcing himself to his knees facing her. The smiles and tears were gone. There was hunger and hate in his eyes. "I need you. My wife doesn't turn me on anymore. Not since she got herself pregnant. But you do. That one afternoon on that little crying mistake's birthday, you were the first girl in years not to treat me like a sexless dad. Please. I'll do anything!"

The eldest Kanker, meanest of the bunch, and scourge of the cul de sac- gagged. More, it looked like the ugly bully turned trickster goddess looked like she was doing what she could not to vomit. D could hear it too, actual gagging. Fallowed by a growl of anger. The Kanker stood up straight, her head aimed down at him like a gun turret. Lee raised her arm up. Double D heard more knuckles popping. Throughout all this, 'Johnny' didn't even flinch. He just laid there on his lawn with the same entitled pleading look on his face. It reminded Double D of his Ed's sister Sarah's chubby purse dog. The thing was a ball of fur and blubber. By the end, the little guy couldn't even stand on his own as it barked for treats.

Lee punched him, in the face. There was a crunching sound. The soccer dad's head was actually smashed in. You couldn't see his face. It actually reminded the very studious Ed of an anus. Very fitting. Stars were circling around his head as his body lay there motionless before suddenly falling to the side in a heap. Thankfully there was no blood. Though a tooth did pop out.

"You're sick." Lee spat. She actually spat on him. The soccer dad just laid there, unconscious… hopefully. The Kanker wasn't done. Lee bent down and yanked Johnny's wallet out from his back pocket and pulled out all his cash. Lee kicked him one last time in the side before plopping the now empty wallet onto him before strutting away.

"Oh no." Double Gulped, his hands fumbling from the fear before he dropped the DIY spy gear. A deafening screeching noise erupted in the van as the gadget hit the floor. Double D cursed as he ripped his headphones off and his secret creep kit gear back into his glove compartment- Not a moment too soon as the passenger door opened.

"Hey." Lee announced, her hand gripping the door's handle. Her giant form staring down at him through her veil of curly red hair. "Get in the other seat, you're driving."

Double D did what he was told. Lee herself hopped in his old seat. After readjusting the settings for 'skinny Ed' instead of Giant Kanker, the van rolled on. The soccer dad still knocked out on his lawn. His bald pate shining in the summer sun. Though the last scene of all this was the small girl from before. The little one with the pig tails. She came out from the house. She didn't run. Just walked. More confused than anything. She stood over her father. Her face a total blank. Then she turned to look at us- Lee turned the rear view mirror away. Double D looked at the Kanker. She was leaning on her elbow, staring out the window like a statue. Just as he was about to turn the corner, Double D peaked at his side mirror. He couldn't see her face, but Double D did notice something else.

The little girl had red hair.

It was on like that for a while. Even after the two had left the gated community. The van just kept on going. Double D at the wheel, staring forward. Lee at the passenger window, looking out the side. The two silent as the grave. It was so bad, Double D had lost track of time… well, no. He hadn't. But it sounded good for effect. Regardless, Double D honestly didn't know what to say or do in this situation.

Oh, the Ed from the 'better half' had been exposed to 'episodes' like that. Mostly through the families of the other Eds. Especially after Eddy's brother was forced to move back home after the amusement park he worked at went out of business. The proud child abuser didn't last a month before he was taken away in handcuffs. Right in front of god and everybody. Strangely enough, Double D had never seen Eddy happier than on that day. Even as his parents wept.

During that month when Eddy's elder brother was back home, it was horrible. The normally loud mouth and in your face Ed was silent and distant. Just going through the motions. The only time he showed any life was when he flinched at random sounds or sudden moves. Throughout it all, Eddy's face was clear and smooth. Well, as much as Eddy ever got, anyway. But eventually Eddy's shirt was removed. Double D had forgotten how or why. But when it happened, everyone could see how beaten and broken Eddy was. All hidden by a thin piece of cotton.

We weren't stupid. At least the kids weren't. They all knew what was happening. That was the worst part. Even the other Eds. It took seeing the trauma for people to confront it. Until then, everyone was fine with ignoring it and letting the damage be done.

Double D kept driving forward as he took another peak at the Kanker. It was so different than before. As a child, she was the face of terror. As an adult, she was a goddess. Now? She… She reminded the Ed of that one month, all those years ago. He couldn't see the trauma, but he knew it was there. He was not going to make the same mistake he did in high school. Of course he still didn't know what to do… So Double D started talking.

"I-I admit. I-I don't re-really know what t-to do he-here." Double D stuttered, embarrassed. He steeled himself. The nervous Ed would not crumble here. Double D took a deep breath, his grip on the wheel tightened. "I never have, but... Ed and Eddy were kicked out of the house. 18th birthday. Midnight. Right on the street and to the junkyard. Two Eds, not three."

Double D stopped. He took a breath. Lee was still staring out the window. She hadn't even moved. Double D wasn't sure if she was even breathing. The 'smart' Ed didn't know why he was saying this. Oh, sure, he'd read plenty of books on empathy and diplomacy. Negotiation. Psychology. The works. It didn't mean he was any good at it. They all demanded common ground. Only one thing came to mind.

"You said before that you were kicked out." Double D heard Lee sigh. The Ed smiled... then it died. "I wasn't. Not like the other Eds. I wish I was, honestly..."

Double D sighed himself, he felt something in his gut. It hurt. He pressed on.

"My parents were gone. Always. For one reason or another. It was just me- Until I found the Eds. When they became 18, and their parents didn't have to legally keep them at home - out. I didn't expect that. But I did expect... something. I received, nothing. That hurt. More than I thought it would." Double D was silent. He didn't know how long. "I packed my belongings and moved in with Ed and Eddy at the junkyard. I never looked back."

It was quiet in the van again. Real quiet. Double D peaked at Lee again. At some point, she'd turned away from the window and was staring at him. She was still leaning against the car door, her elbow on the arm rest. She looked bored.

"You're not gonna start now, are you?" Lee asked, her tone was hard and dull.

The Kanker sounded like she just stopped someone from telling a bad joke she'd heard a thousand times. Double D didn't know how to feel about that, but the second he was about to say something, Lee reached over and set the next delivery on the GPS before turning back to the window. Exactly how she was before Double D told his little story.

And that was the end of that.