"As much as you do?"
Time stood still as every fleeting thought buzzed in the cavity of my brain. You know how your mind can work through a thousand thoughts in under a minute before ever saying a word? To an outsider it was probably a brief moment of pause, a blank stare to clear the airwaves and then composure as you come to. To me it felt like endless purgatory being trapped in my own head at a moment like this.
My greatest tool and my worst enemy was the me trapped in a machine where no one could see. Silent cogs churning thoughts that were invisible, sometimes irreversible. Left to their own devices, they could bring us to beautiful new places. Just as easily, they could crash, destroying every good thing to ever come it's way. And I was their conductor, befuddled and bewildered but forced to drive the train with no clear direction. Veering off the tracks, still I barreled forward, unable to restrain the dangerous thoughts working their way into my brain.
Eddie and I were alone in the dark vast hallway, but I was starting to feel like I was stuffed inside a locker with limited air supply. The flashlight in my hand pointed lazily at the ground, my arm falling limp and forgetting that I was holding it. I couldn't function beyond my own organs working overtime to keep me upright. The inconsistencies of my pulse pounded between my ears, my shocked heart demanding to be heard. My lungs tensed, begging to be filled with air. My eyes adjusted to the surrounding darkness, despite being terrified to see any facsimile of a negative reaction from the boy in front of me.
I would close my eyes instead, refusing to see. I'd gasp in small breaths, giving my blood just enough oxygen to stay conscious. It was the pattering of my heart I had no solution for. I couldn't slow that down by willpower alone.
Is this what they mean when someone says they are spiraling? Because it feels like at any moment my face is going to meet the floor. Maybe a concussion would be preferable to this suspended moment of uncertainty. Something, anything was better than a potential rejection of love, unrequited.
I had, in a very roundabout way, just accidentally confessed my love for Eddie. Five stupid words and I had broken an irreparable boundary I had set for myself. Now I was just waiting for him to break the silence.
What would he say? That I had got it all wrong? That there was no love between us as far as he was concerned?
I had planned to be strategic. Intended to only share my true feelings when it felt right. No, perfect. When it felt certain that rejection wouldn't be right around the corner. When I was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that Eddie cared for me as much as I did him. When I was sure that it had grown to a place it could thrive under extreme duress, instead of wither and wilt at the slightest change of environment. I didn't know exactly what the perfect moment would be, but I figured I had more time. Certainly there would be more time.
In my carelessness, it came too soon. Here I am, wilting before I even had my answer.
Was there true meaning behind my words? Or was I distracted by my own infatuation, too immature to discern true love from schoolgirl lust?
Had I gotten it all wrong?
Who am I kidding, of course I meant it. It was the only thing I was certain of these days. I was undoubtedly Eddie's from the moment our lips met in the back of his van at the drive in. The day he told me about the Senior Bucket List that set this whole journey on its path. The simple excuse that we used to spend time together, now benefactor to my detriment.
The fucking list.
It all began to unravel after one of our very first chaotic tutoring sessions at the beginning of the semester. Eddie had told me a French film was playing at the drive-in and we should ditch the studying and get some practical application instead. What a simple lie. In my core I know I didn't believe him, but I went along with it anyway. I can't say no to an adventure, and Eddie was such a mystery to me at the time. I couldn't pass up an opportunity for a more in depth look into exactly who he was.
So we went to the drive in. And I found out quickly that he had lied, there was no French flick playing. Because why would a town like Hawkins ever display even the remotest interest in foreign art? I tried to leave, but it was all too easy for him to convince me to stay.
We sat in the back of his van with blankets and pillows and just talked, a shitty old horror flick playing in the background. The conversation centered around our high school experiences, which hadn't intertwined much. Mine full of honors classes and extracurriculars, nothing too exciting but all the ingredients for a spotless college application. His years were riddled with mediocre grades, truancy, and in his eyes, unjust punishment for going against the grain. He had a story for everything, and mine paled in comparison. The one thing we shared was similar gripes about the overbearing faculty and fake as fuck student body. We both couldn't wait to get out of Hawkins and get on with our lives after senior year.
That night Eddie opened up to me that he had a bucket list going to spice up the mundanity of his third go at senior year. Quickly we started unintentionally planning future activities together on how we could knock as many items off his list by winter break. All the things he wanted to accomplish before he snatched his diploma and blew off this town for good. Mischief and mayhem was the ultimate goal. He kept a little notebook in his pocket for when inspiration struck and he needed to jot down his ideas.
Of course I would forget all about one of the key numbers I had seen on the list until it came back to bite me in the ass. Hindsight is 20/20.
Most of the items on the bucket list were simple high school pranks:
-Let a wild animal loose into the school, the goal was a horse but he would settle for a goat if he could get his hands on one.
-Sneak something obscene into the yearbook. He was hoping to bribe Fred Benson to help him out, who was on the yearbook committee and vastly unpopular. He would probably go along with it just for a bit of attention.
-Have the entire school evacuated during final exams. Eddie was sure he'd find something at The War Zone army supply store that would help him accomplish this but still be (mostly) legal.
But one item on the list stuck out to me in particular. It was written in the margins, stuck between pages of musings, lyrics, ideas, and unanswered questions. The scribbled words caught my eyes as he flipped through the notebook.
Seduce an unsuspecting victim.
I wasn't even sure if he knew I had read that part, I wasn't even sure if it was actually a goal of his. There was no time to ask as we moved on to the next item quickly.
I thought I had seen it all plain that night. It was clear what his intentions were from the moment I laid eyes on that book. Eddie didn't seem to take much seriously, would rather make his own rules and do his own thing. Is that why he brought me out to the drive-in? Was I the unsuspecting victim, an easy target? A middle-of-the-road kind of girl who he could use easily to shake things up a bit? He had been incredibly friendly and charming all night, but was it just a front to get me to let my guard down?
What Eddie didn't know was I am competitive and immediately wanted to beat him at his own game. Tease him with my body the way he teased me with his words. Make him think he had me, and then tear the rug out from under him. Get him worked up, only to say, oh sorry, you thought I was serious? It wasn't necessarily fair, but it was a game he had started, so why shouldn't I follow suit? His mistake for sharing something so personal with me.
I was surprised at how easy it was to get close to him in the back of the van. How comfortable I was pursuing him, even if it was just a game. Lean in just enough so he can get a whiff of the perfume on my neck. Laugh a little too hard, show implicit interest in what he has to say. Lean back to accentuate my chest and the exposed part of my neck where his face would fit perfectly, if he was so lucky. Touch his hand or push on his chest playfully, make him think I couldn't help myself but touch him every chance I could. This went on for almost an hour, and I surprisingly enjoyed the build up. It felt natural, easy. I can admit now that at a certain point I had stopped playing pretend and started wanting him to want me.
And when I laid my back down in the van citing tiredness, he handed me a pillow and laid down beside me. And when our jokes and laughter softened, he followed as I lowered my voice to speak in hushed whispers. And when my hand lingered near his, he intertwined our fingers without hesitation. And when I said it was getting cold, a blanket was procured and tucked on top of me. And when we ran out of words and I shut my eyes and leaned forward, he closed the remaining distance and met my lips with his. And when we shared our first kiss, maybe under false pretenses, the feelings became very real. At least for me.
I hadn't meant to fall in love.
After the night at the drive in, I spent a good month trying to ignore the burning feeling in my stomach any time I thought about that kiss. I was so confused by my own fondness for Eddie that I gave up my fake pursuit entirely. In the beginning I was much more careful, still very aware of those few words written in the book. They came to mind any time I slipped and started thinking about him too much. I Knew he could play me for a fool at any moment. So I pushed the feelings to the back of my mind, forced myself to be a dedicated tutor and nothing more. I was on my best behavior, never indicating that anything had even happened that night. Eddie dared not bring it up, probably left to wonder if it was a one off fluke. Still, he showed up to every session on time after that.
Over that month a genuine friendship developed, and it wasn't all about the lust bubbling below the surface. We continued to find excuses to spend time together, always under the guise of studying. Eddie and I got along surprisingly well, and shared a sense of humor and mutual dislikes. He was easy to be around, easy to have fun with. It never felt like studying, but his grades slowly improved, and the hours extended as we prolonged our sessions. At some point, I forgot about the offensive item on the list entirely. I let it fall from my mind as I focused on suppressing my growing feelings. That was until finally I agreed to help him out with a few items at the Homecoming dance.
We all know what happened that night.
In the end, I couldn't fight the intrigue that sparked every time we were together. How could I when being his plaything was so much sweeter? When my chemistry did everything in its power to scream at me that all I needed at the end of the day was Eddie Munson's lips on mine, and so, so much more. I was the one who caved first, and made the next move that changed my fate.
I hadn't meant to fall in love, but by the end of that night it was too late.
I knew exactly where this would lead, but I ignored the warnings anyway. I forgot everything I knew and succumbed to my desires.
Seduce an unsuspecting victim.
I became a willing victim, unable to resist the saccharine pleasure of his affections. I made it easier for him than he could have ever imagined. And in doing so I handed him my heart to break.
How could I be so stupid.
As I quickly reconsidered every touch, every intimate moment, every shared secret and stolen kiss, I asked myself if it could ever mean as much to him as it had to me.
I had found my answer easily, scratched in that wretched book.
No.
Nothing else mattered. It was no use reviewing all the minute details. This part was getting too painful. It was irrelevant that I had ignored the warnings, and given my everything to him in the process. Unimportant that there were moments when I genuinely believed he could love me. Benign that I believed every sweet word, every tender touch without a second thought.
This is the moment my heart shatters, I know it. Game over. Another success marked off the bucket list for Eddie Munson.
*
"Annie?"
The fog in my head cleared as a nearby voice tried to rouse me from my internal panic attack. I couldn't delay the inevitable. I allowed Eddie to seduce me into his trap, and I too would let him cut me free of the threads he had so lovingly ensnared me in. It was my only responsibility to make sure I stayed in one piece in the process. Be careful to compose myself before the break.
"Annie, what did you say?" Eddie asked again, still a few paces away in the unlit hallway.
"Hmm?" It was all I could muster to rejoin the conversation.
"What did you say just now?" Even in the darkness I could hear the playful intrigue in his voice. He heard me, alright, but he wanted to be sure. Was this also a part of his game? Get the idiot to confess she was an idiot?
"I said you need to love yourself more." It came out in a hushed monotone. That was about as close as I was willing to get to the bullseye I had accidentally obliterated without going straight through the same hole a second time. That would be a mistake.
"No, no, there was something else…." Was he goading me? There was pleasure in his words. He absolutely wanted me to say it again. Not happening.
"No, I think that was it," I countered. I tried to play it off casually but panic coated my throat.
"I think you said I need to love myself as much as you do." There was no mistake, he said this with a smile. I couldn't see it, but I could picture it easily in my mind. Lips taught as they exposed glistening teeth, curved around the edges and accompanied by beautiful smile lines. The most pure display of affection I had ever been lucky to receive, even if it was a lie.
"No, I don't think I did," I replied. Because gaslighting him into thinking I didn't say it was absolutely going to work.
"I definitely heard it," Eddie said, stepping closer and wrapping a hand around the wrist that was holding the flashlight. He used my hand to turn the light vertically, nearly blinding me in the process. I held my free hand up to cover the shine in my eyes.
"Shit, sorry," he said as he corrected the light to point a little away from our eyes, but just bright enough I could make out his face. If his goal was to glimpse upon the mortification marked on my face, mission accomplished. He, on the other hand, looked content. Happy even.
"Annie?" Eddie asked again when he couldn't quite read the reaction I fought to hide. I heaved a sigh as I rubbed the back of my neck.
"You know what I meant."
I had meant it, whether I intended to say it or not. I wouldn't abandon my principle of honesty just because I was being faced with the harsh reality that he may not feel the same. That to him, there was a good chance this was all a game. I did love him in my own broken way, that wasn't going to stop overnight. I would just have to learn to live without.
"Hmm what did you mean, exactly…" Eddie drew out his question playfully. His hand reached out towards my face. Gentle fingertips grazing down my jaw, my ability to intake air going with it. At least one of us was enjoying this inquisition. Playing with his prey lovingly as he encouraged a confession out of me.
There was something in the back of my mind telling me to stay vigilant. That self preservation was of the utmost importance now. That I should ignore his advances and cut this torment off at the source.
I shut that part up momentarily.
I was making myself dizzy with whiplash, but the fire below his fingers was too good to resist. The sultry stinging of his words was too delicious to ignore. If this was going to be my last night with Eddie before the curtain falls, I at the very least deserved a few more moments of ignorant bliss. Every ache, desire, need in my body was driven by Eddie. My true North, whether he wanted it or not.
Suffice to say I was still intoxicated by his touch. As long as I could get it, I would drink from his chalice willingly. Cherish the last few drops before the love potion curdled to poison. How foolish, how absolutely masochistic, to let myself be tortured knowing the end was near.
Like a moth drawn to the flame, I leaned into it. Needed him to touch me one more time. Wished I could reverse what I knew was coming. Begged him to keep the charade going on a few days more, if it wasn't too much trouble.
The denial within me was holding on strong, which was the only thing that allowed me to answer his question.
What did I mean, exactly? I closed my eyes and forced an answer.
"I meant… just that I wish you saw all the potential and the good qualities in yourself that I see."
I had practically soliloquied in the gym, now I was all out of flowery words to make him see where I was coming from. If he didn't get it now, he never would.
"Right…" Eddie said as his thumb brushed against my bottom lip, the rest of his fingers rested on my cheek. "I preferred the way you said it the first time. Won't you say it again?"
Is this how we say goodbye? It felt so final. I turned my face into his hand and placed a soft kiss within his palm. Unwilling to move closer, unable to let him go.
"Well, it's never going to happen again," I said, my words muffled against his hand. I was so close to crying, my eyes were stinging with wet. Couldn't he see I was his for the taking? That there didn't need to be any more games? That I wouldn't leave until he said go, even if it hurts?
"I think you said you love me," he egged on.
Dagger, meet heart. Critical hit. He wasted no time wounding me with precious musings. He was looking right at my face but I refused to meet his eyes.
"You're putting words in my mouth," I uttered.
"Just rearranging a few that were already there." He was so casual, it was killing me slowly. His other hand came to cradle my face, and he tilted my head up to meet my lips with his.
I let it happen. The kiss of fate. Kiss of death. It was sickly sweet, painful and perfect. And I was certain it was my last.
"You're never gonna let this go, are you?" I whispered, defeated when he withdrew from the kiss.
"Absolutely not," Eddie said, moving on to kiss my cheeks and neck. He moved fervently along my skin, leaving invisible burns and bruises, the effects of which I would suffer long beyond tonight.
I had completely embarrassed myself and he was… taking it in stride? I'd dare say he was enjoying the take down. Was this part of his plan all along? Build someone up just to tear them down? It didn't seem in his character. After all these weeks, I wondered if I really knew him at all. Was he as genuine as he seemed, or was this just another one of his games?
Eddie continued kissing wherever he could, and I was getting frustrated. I let my attitude get the better of me, and spoke up.
"What I should have said is you're a beautiful but stubborn nuisance who will do anything to get his way, and who I unfortunately developed feelings for." I fought to be succinct, and there was so much left unsaid.
"Unfortunate for who?" He asked, moving the neckline of my sweater to kiss below it. He completely missed the frustration in my voice.
I had tried to say the last bit as a defense, the final attempt at a wall between me and total self destruction. But it was too late, and he was showing no signs of letting up. Any makeshift wall I tried to cement into place was too fragile to hold it all in. It collapsed like sticks in the wind, and I began to cry.
"It's okay, you can stop pretending now," I sighed, bringing my hands to wipe away spilling tears, forcing him to back away.
"Pretending?" He adjusted his hands onto my hips, not letting me run away from this moment like I so desperately wanted to.
"I know you don't feel the same way." Saying this, I closed my eyes, prepared to be jettisoned without a safety net.
"What do you mean?" His grip tightened, confusion in his voice.
"It was easier to ignore before, with everything going on, but now it's so damn obvious…"
"Annie, what are you talking about? I was playing around just now, but you're scaring me."
Don't play pretend like you don't know what's happening.
"The list? I saw it, Eddie. All of it. That night at the drive in. And it's okay. I get it. It's my own fault." I wiped more tears. I wasn't even sure I was making complete sense.
"What… What do you mean, it's your fault?" He was pleading with me now, his voice urgent and scared, his hands moving up and down my waist trying to grip onto reality. I was trying my best to keep it together.
"I saw it, but I allowed it to happen anyway..."
"Annie, you're not making any sense, what-"
"Seduce an unsuspecting victim," I cut him off, harsh words slicing the tension.
"Here I am, your willing victim," my voice cracked with a sob.
"You read that?" Eddie asked. The confusion in his voice turned to clarity. There was no reason for me to respond.
Silence hung in the air as we digested the meaning, wondered what could possibly come next. I stepped out of his grasp, it was too painful to have his hands on me. With a few steps backwards, the quiet hallway rattled as I braced myself against a locker and waited. Waited for an answer that would change the course of this evening, of my life, forever.
For a moment it was eerily silent, and I held my breath to suppress the pain caught in my chest. I couldn't stop the tears from leaking from my eyes, so I didn't try. Then there was a clash of the flashlight falling from his hand and clattering on the linoleum tiles, rolling until it was caught under a row of lockers. A halo of artificial light shone across the floor and I could no longer see Eddie where he stood. All I heard was a sigh, followed by murmured profanities. The rubber soles of his shoes smacked the floor as he approached where I stood. I began imagining all the ways he might break the news. Wondered if he might have it in his heart to let me down easy.
The last thing I anticipated was what he said next.
"Annie, I love you. Do you hear me? I love you."
His voice was urgent and pleading. It was just us in the hallway, but he spoke loud enough for the words to reverberate in the empty hallway, and in succession replay over and over in my mind.
Do you hear me? I love you.
I bent my knees and crumpled to the floor, no longer able to keep myself on my feet. My unsteady breathing probably got louder, beyond controllable as I tried to make sense of what was said. My emotions were being torn through a destruction of my own making and I didn't know what to believe. What was real versus what I had convinced myself was the truth?
I was scared of losing Eddie more than anything, and confused as hell. A moment ago I was certain everything was being taken away from me. That I was the victim of some cruel teenage prank. Now, Eddie had just said plainly that he loved me. And there was something in his tone of voice that demanded I believe him this time.
My head was in my hands as I tried to collect myself. I heard Eddie kneel down, felt him move to sit beside me. He gently pried a hand from my face and brought it to his face. I could feel wet on his lips, apparently silent tears had spilled from his own eyes. I instinctively wiped his tears away as he spoke again.
"No tricks, no hesitation. I love you. I am so in love with you. It was never about some silly list. It stopped being about that from the moment I met you."
I couldn't form words, so I didn't speak. Just took his other hand and held it tight. My heart was still beating fast, tears still pooling in my eyes. I had heard what he said, and would be remiss to not recognize the sincerity there. In my entire descent into hysterics, I hadn't even allowed myself to see this as a viable option.
"Baby, say something. I am so damn scared of losing you at this moment," Eddie begged. True fear coated his voice, and I felt terrible for ever making him feel like this. "You have to trust me. Say something, please."
"It wasn't about the list?" was all I could say, seeking verbal confirmation to combat the story I had spun up. It was tethered in my imagination, but had felt so real in my mind. And I had got it all terribly wrong.
"Of course not. It breaks my heart that you think I could ever do something like that to you. I am so, so sorry you ever saw it that way. I feel like a fucking fool."
In the absence of light I had allowed myself to be tricked, let the worst parts of me dictate a false narrative. I squinted my eyes to read his face in the dim light, and in a moment realized just how much of an idiot I am. It was all there, in the way he looked at me. The truth of his declaration painted plain in pleading eyes. There were no lies detected, just love for the pitiful soul sitting across from him.
"Maybe I'm the one who is scared of the dark…" I began in a whisper.
"What do you mean?" He quickly wiped his face where wet stains remained with the back of his hand.
"More like, scared of the unknown. Scared of what I can't see."
"Are you telling me I need to buy a nightlight?" He asked sweetly, always trying to break the tension with a little joke. I loved him for it.
"No," I laughed slightly. "It's just… if I had been able to see your face in the dark, I don't think I would have spiraled. I wouldn't have questioned your intentions in the slightest."
"I could've told you that," he whispered. His hands rubbed my own, using physical touch to amplify the intentions I couldn't see in the dark.
"You've never shown much hesitation or doubt before. You always seemed so sure. I was the one waiting for the curtain to fall and find out that you were playing a joke on me," Eddie confessed.
"That would never happen," I said emphatically. It started that way, it's true, but became very real when it mattered most.
"Says the beauty to the beast," Eddie replied.
"Not true…" I said as I tucked a stray hair behind his ear. My hand lingered, smoothing the wild tendrils down and allowing my fingers to stray to the tips. If he could only see how beautiful he was to me. If he could only understand the desire I had to memorize every detail of his body. How I was determined to be the only person who could successfully distinguish the different meanings behind every laugh or smile. In my mind I came so close to losing everything, and now I was determined to never take it for granted.
"Why am I like this? What the hell is wrong with me?" I asked, wringing his hands with my own.
"Nothing is wrong with you. You've been under a lot of stress lately."
"We were having a great night and I self sabotaged at first chance. All because I said something a little bit too honest."
"Stop blaming yourself. I feel like an asshole for wrapping you up into my stupid games to the point where you though I was using you. I dunno, I guess it seemed like the best excuse to get you to spend time with me. And it was working so I let it keep going. I should've stopped that shit a long time ago."
"I would've spent time with you regardless, so I guess we're both crazy."
"Certifiably so," Eddie laughed.
"I just… I don't know why I fixated on the list. I played mental gymnastics to justify to myself that there was malicious reason behind your behavior. That in no reality could you ever feel the way I do. I was so scared of rejection that I came up with an alternative reality to protect myself. Like nothing else could explain the truth other than I was being tricked..."
Silent tears fell as I explained my own fucked up rationale. Eddie wiped the fallen tears, then gently took my chin in his hand, demanding I hear his next words.
"You think I don't love you? Why else would I be here with you in an empty school past midnight playing a prank on your public enemy? Let alone with a half naked Steve Harrington, which I'm still not even sure how that happened."
"Because you like to watch the world burn?" I offered as a joke. I received a gentle chuckle in response.
"True, but then why else would I insist you stay with me instead of going home to your abusive father?"
"That I don't have an answer for..."
"So I can help look after you. Keep you safe. Because I already love you too much to see anything bad happen to you. I can't even begin to think about what might have happened if you had stayed. What will happen when you have to go back."
Every time he said love so casually my heart twittered, and I hadn't even been able to say it intentionally myself yet. I was so frustrated that my brain was able to self sabotage in such a spectacular way when the truth was obvious all along.
"I don't deserve you," I whispered. I had known it before, but it became evident after rationalizing everything he had done for me.
"No, you deserve so much more. But as long as you'll let me, I'll try to live up to even an ounce of what you deserve."
Eddie took both my hands to pull me close, and I let him. He wasn't satisfied until I was sat between his legs and leaning against his chest, safely encased in his embrace. I bent my knees and held them to my chest. I closed my eyes and inhaled the cologne, sweat and smoke that lingered on his clothes. Eddie rested his head on my shoulder and took a deep breath, face buried my hair. This was quickly becoming a comfort position for both of us, and my heart rate slowed in response.
"We both need to work on the self love thing apparently. Annie, hearing everything you said tonight in the gym made it abundantly clear how much you love me. Even if you did make it a little dramatic to keep me on my toes," he teased, running a hand up and down the side of my arm. "I never doubted you for a second."
"I feel so stupid," I groaned, leaning my head sideways against his. "I ruined what could have been a perfectly happy moment."
"No, you didn't. There's no playbook for this stuff, we handle it the best we can. Besides, I don't know if I would've had the courage to actually say anything if you hadn't."
"Really?" Eddie always seemed so sure of himself, always said what was on his mind. To hear he was nervous about sharing his feelings made me feel a bit better for my freak out. We both didn't know how to navigate these fresh waters, but we'd figure it out together.
"Oh, sure. Throw in over analyzing every moment and constantly second guessing every dumb thing I do and that's me in a nutshell."
"Well if it is, it doesn't show." I turned my whole body to look at him, sitting cross legged and facing in his direction. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness of the hallway illuminated only by the abandoned flashlight, and I wanted to soak in every ounce of him I could. The glimmer was still visible as his smile reached his eyes. I couldn't help but reach a hand out and trace the lines of his smile, the curve of his bottom lip.
"I have a confession, now it's your turn to make fun of me," Eddie said, catching the hand that had been grazing his face and holding it there.
"Why, what did you do?" I straightened up, eager to hear what he had to say.
"Promise you won't judge?" He asked, closing his eyes in hesitation.
"Eddie, I have mortified myself in every way possible and you're still here. My room to judge is the size of an inchworm."
"Okay, fair," he laughed. "I, umm… I've whispered it every night after you've fallen asleep this week."
"That's what that was?" I asked while leaning back, my hand dropping from his face. I couldn't resist the urge to tease him in light of this confession. We both knew what the it he was referring to was.
"You heard it?" A slight panic in his voice as he squinted to try to read the truth on my face.
"No, I'm messing with you," I smiled. "That's really sweet. Thanks for telling me. Although you could've saved me a world of trouble by just coming out with it."
"Where is the fun in that?" Eddie teased.
"Oh sure, because self induced panic by a delusional freak is so much better than being upfront about your feelings."
"Wait, which one of us is the delusional freak again?" He asked.
"Me. Obviously."
"Do I need a spray bottle for every time you say something self deprecating? Do I need to Pavlov's Dog it out of you?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'll work on it." I said, rolling my eyes and nudging him with my shoulder.
"At least now I don't need to whisper anymore," Eddie said, although his tone was hushed. He reached down and grabbed my hand that had dropped from his face, unable to let me go too far for too long.
"No, you don't…" my voice got quieter too. I waited with bated breath for the words I knew were coming. I had imagined hearing them a dozen different times in countless ways. Three simple words tangled inextricably in the fabric of our lives. In the waking morning and the restless hours of night, and every moment in between.
Eddie leaned his forehead against mine and closed his eyes as he said again, "I love you."
It was all becoming so real, and it was my turn to say it. I had worried so much about perfecting my timing, but that hadn't mattered at all in the end. The moment was messy and complicated, but perfect all the same. Something I fretted over in quiet moments came out best simple and sweet. I rested my hand on his face as I whispered for the first time aloud, "I love you."
A sigh came from Eddie, perhaps relief that he had been clinging on the promise of hearing the absolution as well. It felt good to say it. Felt right, because it was true. A sublime secret that was ours alone. The world didn't need to know yet. He knew, and that was enough.
"I love you, Eddie Munson," I repeated, chasing the dopamine rush that came with it.
Our lips barely two inches apart, he whispered, "Can I kiss you?"
"You've never had to ask permission before."
That was all the confirmation he needed. His fingers weaved through my hair as he held the back of my neck, pulling me close. The kiss was coated with sweet sincerity. Lips barely parted as our mouths moved carefully, acting in reverence for the moment at hand. It was as simple as a first kiss, but deeper meanings lingered on the precipice. In hindsight I could see the same unspoken I love yous had always been concealed within his kisses, desperate to be known. It was painfully obvious that a boy who doesn't love you would not display such delicacy. Not in the way he did now.
Eddie pulled away slowly to ask, "How are you feeling?" My answer was obvious.
"Like I wasted a whole lot of breath on worrying when I could've just kissed you and known for certain."
"And are you?" He was the one who needed reassurance this time.
"For certain?"
"Yes."
"Yes. I love you," I whispered again.
If it wasn't for the hunger of needing him close, I would've repeated it until my lips were dry and cracked. But now I needed to show him with my actions. Without hesitation my mouth moved to meet his with much more urgency. My hand slid to the delicate flesh of Eddie's neck, grazing along the beating pulse beneath. It wasn't enough to hold his body close in my arms. Not enough to hear suspicions of love confirmed over and over. I wanted to feel his heartbeat quicken beneath my fingertips. I needed to inhale the gasp that I could illicit with a swipe of my tongue as I gently parted his lips. I longed to feel his body against mine as it responded to the lustful desires that were bubbling beneath the surface.
I could have lived in this moment forever, lost in those supple lips perfectly molded to match my own. I savored the taste as I nibbled on his bottom lip. Any proclivity to be patient and tender was fleeting when he leaned closer, deepening the kiss and grabbing at my waist. Our tempo quickly picked up the pace as we forged forward, words not needed now that we understood their meaning.
Eddie's steady hands were working to meet his mind's demands as he maneuvered me until I was seated on top of him. It was clumsy and indelicate, but reached the same desired outcome. My knees draped around his hips, my skirt hiked up with wanton abandon. Lips barely disconnecting, our waists clashing with building friction. His back was working overtime to support us against the locker, my knees digging into the linoleum. I would have marks in the morning, but I was numb to the pain tonight. I was only aware of his hands grasping my hips, his tongue intertwined with mine. I could acutely feel all the places along my waist and chest that my body was flush with his own. Stroked the tender skin where his beating pulse thrummed below my fingers.
When there was no air left between us, I pulled back just enough to inhale, but not far enough to disengage. My lips brushed against his own as I asked, "What are you thinking?"
I could imagine the answer. If I had to take a guess, it was along the same lines as my current thinking. Eddie had been dropping little hints all day, and the tension had been building deep within. And now in the light of our declared love, my body was begging to consummate those feelings. I was trying to be cautious of being too forward but I wasn't sure restraint would be my friend tonight.
"Baby, I'm trying to be good but my thoughts are positively impure," Eddie whispered with bated breath.
"You don't have to be good. What are you thinking, really?"
"That I don't think I'm going to be able to wait until we get home," he said, brushing away the hair that had fallen on my face.
"Wait to do what?" I asked innocently.
"To rewrite every impression I've ever had of this horrible place with memories of loving you."
"Oh?" How, in a dank and desolate school hallway, can he say the most unexpectedly lovely thing I've ever heard?
"Forgive me for my colorful imagination, but I'm back to imagining having you in every forbidden corner in this school, in every way imaginable," Eddie continued.
"Sounds like we need to do more studying if that's all you can think about right now," I fake chastised.
"You're not seriously suggesting we-" he began, but I cut him off with a finger against his lips.
"…and what better place to study than in an educational institution."
Eddie's mouth went slack as he connected the dots behind my euphemism. Then the mouth behind my finger curled into a knowing smile.
"God, I fucking love you," he said, squeezing my hips tighter, lips meeting mine again in rushed delight. "I want you. Need to show you how much I love you." And he would've laid me down right there if I hadn't stopped him and reminded him exactly where we were.
"I know, baby, but right now we're on the floor of this gross hallway. Who knows what kind of undiscovered teenage mutant microorganisms are crawling all over these floors ready to make us their next victim."
"You're right, we can't have that. I might have an idea of where we can go. Besides, there was one very special item on the list that we haven't gotten to yet."
I groaned with my whole body, throwing my head back and forcing him to catch me from falling backwards. "I thought we were done with that, I don't wanna think about that stupid list for a long time."
"I know, but I don't think you'll be too upset about this one," he tried to reason.
"What is it?"
"Come on and I'll show you," he said, standing up and offering me his hand. I took it and stood up, but he wouldn't let me proceed until I promised to shut my eyes to increase the mystery. I followed him to our next location, I would have followed him anywhere.
*
I was standing in an undisclosed location, Eddie's hands covering my eyes so I wouldn't peek. It took longer than I anticipated to get here, we kept stopping to kiss until we couldn't breathe, keep the fire burning low.
"Alright, you can open your eyes," he murmured by my ear, removing his hands from my face but still holding me from behind. His breath tickled my neck and I shivered involuntarily. I opened my eyes and immediately recognized where we were.
"Why are we standing in front of Principal Coleman's office?" I asked.
"I remember a very brave Annie suggesting we make out in the guidance counselors office once. I figured we'd up the ante."
"I did suggest that, didn't I. I must've been out of my mind."
"Or perfectly in your right mind."
His switchblade was prepped to serve as a key for any part of the school with restricted access. But when he tested the door handle, it gave without needing to be hijacked.
"The door is unlocked," Eddie said pleasantly, smiling at me over his shoulder. "it's a sign."
"Yeah, a sign that one of our janitors doesn't know how to do their job properly."
The door swung open and Eddie took my hand to guide me in. It didn't seem necessary to turn the lights on. The scene was much more mysterious in the dark with just the moonlight seeping through the windows. Our eyes would adjust.
"If they didn't want us to come in here, they would have tried harder to keep us out.
"When you suggested we relocate I thought it was gonna be to like, make out on the couch in the teachers lounge or something." I let the door close behind me.
"But you have to admit this is so, so much better."
"I feel like we should take advantage of being here. Like find some dirt, anything Principal Coleman might be hiding." I began surveying the room for anything that might be incriminating.
"There's nothing really good in here. Most of the personnel files are locked away in the admin office anyway. He does keep a bottle of whiskey in that bottom drawer though," Eddie said, pointing to the bottom right desk drawer.
I opened the drawer in question to find there was a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels right where he said it would be.
"And you know this because….?" I shut the drawer and turned to lean back against the desk, waiting for an answer.
"It's important to learn what you can about an enemy for when you need future ammunition," Eddie shrugged like the answer was obvious. "Do you want a drink?"
"I don't know, I think the best way to not get caught is to leave everything right where we found it." I was already probably looking at more trouble from my prank tonight, which I expected and kind of relished, but I wasn't sure where to draw the line. Didn't know how messing with the Principal's office came into that equation.
"Are we on a revenge tour or not?" Eddie asked, brushing up against me to lean down and open the drawer again.
"Sure, but I wouldn't necessarily put Principal Coleman at the top of my hit list."
"For me, then? That man has fucked me over so many times, it's about time I repay the favor," Eddie said, pulling the bottle out of the drawer and uncorking the lid. He took a drink and offered it to me without pressure.
There was no denying him, I couldn't even pretend to try. The truth of it was I would have let Eddie have me anywhere, in any way he liked. My heart swelled with affection and my belly burned with desire. Something about the whole scenario being so forbidden made it all the more alluring. I took the offering from his hands and held the bottle up to my mouth.
"Cheers to revenge, I guess" I said, drinking a hefty swig directly from the spout. Then I re-corked the bottle and put it back into the drawer, the level of liquid visibly lower than when we had found it.
"And what better revenge than making love in the dungeon of our enemy," Eddie added, placing his hands on the desk on either side of me and leaning in. I tasted the whiskey glaze on his lips as his mouth crashed on mine with eager tenacity.
"How quickly your mind strays to sex," I teased, but indulged him in those burning kisses. The smoldering embers in my stomach were reignited as his lips moved hungrily on mine.
"I can't help it, baby," he said in between kisses. "You wearing that skirt has had my imagination running wild all day."
"I've since learned it may have been a mistake," I joked, wrapping my arms around his neck to hold him close.
"No mistake. Although I am now picturing you draped over this desk, wearing nothing but that skirt, and wondering what it's gonna take to get you to come pretty for me." He was undressing me with his words without so much as placing a finger on me, and it was working. Drawn by invisible magnets, Eddie leaned further into me, using his hands to prop himself up on the desk as our waists collided.
"You totally planned this, didn't you," I accused him, dragging gentle fingers along the back of his neck. Truthfully I didn't care if he planned it in the slightest. I loved this man and my wants aligned with his, even if they were slightly deranged and utterly sinful.
"No but isn't it the perfectly reckless way to enjoy your youth? You said yourself you wanted to fall in love without worrying about the consequences…"
"Love?" I interrupted him. I didn't need any more convincing.
"Yes?"
"Stop talking before I change my mind," I demanded.
"Okay, but one last thing…"
"Mmm mmm," I said in a chastising tone, using my lips on his to shut him up. But his willpower was as strong as mine to get the last word in, and he pulled out just enough to say, "Okay but it's incredibly hot when you call me love."
"Well. Shut up and make me come pretty then, love." I said, giving him a playful shove.
"Oh, it's like that?" Eddie said with a laugh, pulling me close with his hands planted on my hips . He had me pinned up against the desk and before I could protest, I was lifted to sit on the desk. It was game on from this point forward, there was no time wasted. Eddie pulled my sweater off and went next for my bra, only stopping to kiss me in a manner that had us both clamoring for breath. There was fury in passion as my bra was tossed to the side, his hands replacing it to cup my exposed breasts.
"Are you going to be a good girl for me now?" Eddie asked as he caught my breast in his mouth and started tantalizing my nipple with his mouth. My back arched in response, encouraging him to take in as much of me as he could.
"This isn't going to be some teacher-student role play is it?" I asked, every word losing precious breath as I tried to cope with what his mouth was doing to me. I needed to stay busy, so I brought my hands to his shoulders to help him out of his jacket, his mouth never stopping all the while. "Do I have to hide the ruler?" I asked, looking around for any evidence of devices that would lend themselves to corporal punishment.
Eddie's mouth made a pop sound as he stopped suckling for a moment to respond. "It could be. You did say earlier that you might be into role play," he said, then went back to drawing his tongue in circles around my nipple. One hand cupping the breast he was performing mouth work on, his other hand snaked under my skirt and began working his hand up towards my groin.
"Yeah but I was going more for illicit, not immoral," I exhaled as his hot breath tickled my exposed breast. "Maybe tonight we can try two horny lovestruck teens?" I offered, reaching for the bottom of his shirt in response.
"That's not role play, that's a fact," Eddie mumbled around, his fingers never stopping as they dragged along the front of my pubic bone.
"Well then we'll both be good at it." I tugged at his Hellfire shirt, pulling upwards over his torso until he had to stop teasing me to remove arms. Once freed, I tried to grab his waist to pull him back into a kiss, but he caught my wrists.
"Don't be hasty, my dear. Let's enjoy ourselves," Eddie said, gently restraining my hands with his.
"I would quite enjoy your mouth on my own," I tried to reason, inching upwards to encourage him to meet my demands.
He leaned in close enough without making contact to whisper, "and I would quite like my mouth somewhere else…"
In slow motion, Eddie lowered himself on his knees in front of me. One by one he removed my boots, leaving me wearing nothing but my skirt as he had promised. He then took my knees in his hands to spread my legs open on the desk. The fabric of my skirt was pushed up until it pooled mostly around my waist. I thought he would ease me into it with gentle touches, but he skipped that step entirely. Instead, he held my thighs in his hands and dove below. His head went right between my legs, kissing my thighs and encouraging me to allow him unrestricted access to my most private area. Slowly with each kiss I opened up to him, remembering the way he had been able to make me come with just his mouth. I couldn't be shy when he was being so generous, I would give him whatever he wanted.
I was slightly nervous that I couldn't see what he was doing, but I had to trust him wholly and enjoy the release. A final kiss was planted just above the elastic, and then I felt as Eddie's nose ran down the front of my panties. I clenched up unintentionally as he got lower. He was applying just enough gentle pressure that I could feel when he went lower and was buried between the folds, only a flimsy layer of defense lay between, his lips stopping to plant little kisses down the line. He inhaled with delirious deliberation, a grumble building in his throat. Over top the layer of cotton, I felt his teeth graze upwards and against my clit in a love bite, just gentle enough to provide only pleasure. He did this a few times, catching the fabric between his teeth and pulling gently, careful not to hurt me. The ultimate tease as my mind began to imagine how that would feel with the barrier removed entirely.
"Eddie I love you, but this is absolutely unfair." If I had to guess, I was dripping with wet, and he was taunting me with no release.
"But I love watching you squirm, and you smell absolutely divine. I imagine you taste even better." All I could do was moan like a cat in heat, arch my back and will him to touch me the way I needed.
Deliberately slow, he ran his fingers up and down the outside of my panties. Then slowly pushed the layer of cotton out of the way to meet fingers to flesh. Two slender fingers slipped and rubbed against the swollen folds, spreading around the moisture that had developed there. When I was about ready to whine for more, his fingers dove deep, slow and steady, still clad in silver rings. I didn't mind the cool of the metal as it grazed my skin, it just reminded me who I belonged to. My head rolled back as I started to relax.
"You're absolutely dripping for me, baby. I can't wait to taste you on my lips." But still, he kept working his fingers inside of me, deepening and quickening his pace. He kissed and licked my thighs but let his fingers do the work as I clenched around them. I could feel his breath getting close, tickling with hot air, but his mouth never met my lips. When I couldn't take it anymore, I grabbed the back of his head with my hand and cried, "Eddie, please."
Of course Eddie was waiting for me to say it, waiting for me to beg and plead for his mouth. My tiny beg was all he needed as he swiped his tongue along my opening, licking and tasting the want that had grown there. He wasn't shy as he kissed, licked, and nibbled, coaxing pleasure sounds out of me I couldn't control.
"I love you, baby," he murmured, the vibrations titillating and causing me to shiver.
It was all too much. How do I savor these delights when I was begging to feel his body move with mine. I could come by his mouth easily, but I wanted to feel him, be wrapped around him when i climaxed. My head was one step ahead and I needed him to catch up.
Propped on my forearms, I leaned forward to push his head back and pull his attention back to me. He was about to protest about being interrupted when he was thoroughly enjoying himself. I brought him to my face, eyes looking into mine as said, "Baby I can't wait much longer."
"Say no more, my love." Eddie stood erect, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and swiftly reaching an arm behind him. A condom was procured from his back pocket, it must've been tucked there all day, if not longer.
"Oh and you didn't plan this," I said in playful accusations as he was, of course, fully prepared for the moment at hand.
"Have you met yourself? Forgive me for being prepared ahead of time," Eddie said. "I was only being hopeful."
"And I love you for it," I said, pulling him in for a kiss.
The seconds it took as we fumbled to unbuckle his belt and pull down his pants just enough to put on the condom we're excruciating. He was fully aroused, and I throbbed with a longing to feel him enter me with no further hesitation. I sat up and watched with waning patience as he kicked off his pants and rejoined me.
"Have I told you lately that I love you," Eddie asked as he leaned over me on the desk again and kissed my neck.
"You might have mentioned it, once or twice," I breathed, practically quaking with anticipation.
"Well, I do. Love you," he continued, trailing kisses anywhere he could place them.
"How many times do I have to tell you I love you, Eddie Munson, before you fuck me the way I deserve?"
The smile that spread across his face was one for the ages. "Yes, ma'am." Eddie offered one final burning kiss before standing up straight and forcefully pulling my hips to the edge of the desk. My panties were pulled down past my hips and plucked off my legs in one swift movement, then tossed with the rest of the forgotten clothing.
"Perfect," Eddie remarked as he positioned himself to enter, the desk the right height for ease of access.
It wasn't slow, calculated and building like we normally went. It was intentional and hasty, like he couldn't wait to be completely consumed by me. My body was a cavity perfectly shaped to fit Eddie's, and he bottomed out almost immediately as I took all of him in.
Once Eddie was fully inside me, we slowed down to enjoy this moment of consummate love. Words were reduced to basics as we moved together in the moonlight.
I want you, I need you, you're perfect, I love you.
I thought fooling around in the principal's office might be uncomfortable or weird, but once we got going, the location hardly mattered. It wasn't about the forbidden setting or being in the school even. It was just about me and Eddie, alone, enjoying the moment together we sank into the sinful delights, the sweetest and darkest parts of us wrapped up in a lovers tryst. It was messy and imperfect, but beautiful to withhold. A constellation created of love and lust.
When we could no longer contain ourselves, our speed gradually picked up pace as we chased the oncoming release. The desk shook with the rapid movement, clamoring and unsteady in its efforts to support us. With no reverence for personal belongings, any item that was in the way went crashing on the floor. I heard a cup full of pens clatter as my hand accidentally knocked it away, searching in the dark for something to hold onto. My arms curved behind my head to grasp the desk for leverage, back arching in desperation to feel Eddie as deep as he could go.
The computer monitor on the corner of the desk was rumbling with the repeated motion, and I worried it would be the next victim to fall to the graveyard of displaced office supplies.
"Eddie, baby, we're about to break something," I tried to warn him as the monitor was close to tipping over.
"So then we break something," he said, not slowing down. He propped my legs one by one over his shoulder, testing my flexibility and pushing in deeper with this new angle. The deepening pleasure rendered me speechless. I couldn't be bothered to worry about any potential destruction beyond that moment. Could only utter words of don't stop, right there, that's it.
Eddie gripped my hips tighter as he picked up speed, desperate fingers leaving indentations where rings roughly pressed into flesh. When my eyes weren't rolling back in delight, I would look up and catch glimpses of him. Concentrated focus on his face until he would catch my eyes and smile. I was blind to all but the vision of him, the room around us a hazy blur. Numb to everything but his touch and the pressure it provided. I watched as he grazed repeatedly against the tender spot he knew would bring me towards completion. Then he told me he was close, and I was absolutely done for.
Whispers of dulcet affirmations were uttered as we died our little deaths.
I love you
I love you
I love you.
*
When we finished we took a few quiet moments to soak in the splendor of being alone, accompanied by complete freedom of being able to express our love in whatever way made sense. In truth I could have spent the entire night lying on that floor, wrapped in the embrace of somebody who loves me. Could have bounded from room to room making love until the sun breached the horizon.
Eventually we had to get a move on and survey the damage. This required turning on the lights, and the sight was comical. Clothes strewn about the room, including my bra that somehow got tossed onto the plastic fern in the corner. Office supplies all over the floor, a stapler that fell open and spilled its contents onto the carpet. We put our clothes back on, laughing about how the room looked and how much chaos was created in the light of our lovemaking.
The computer monitor was hanging by a thread on the edge of the desk, the wires working overtime to support the bulky box from tipping over. I moved that first, so glad it wasn't collateral damage after all. Nothing seemed irreparable, but knowing what had happened here was enough. If I ever found myself in Principal Coleman's office again, I would have a hard time focusing on anything other than the illicit affairs that occurred here.
We tried to clean up the office as much as possible so our little adventure wouldn't immediately go noticed. I truly wasn't sure if we were putting things back where we found them, but I arranged them best I could. Eddie did, however, insist on leaving the condom in the trash, and wrapper in a place Principal Coleman was bound to find it. I tried to protest, worried we would get caught, but he promised it would be fine.
"What's he going to do, make an announcement over the loudspeaker? 'Will the person who drank my forbidden whiskey and left a condom wrapper on my desk please come see me?' No. He'll have no choice but to ignore it."
"Some poor custodian is going to get fired over this," I lamented as we headed out of the office.
"Not if they're good at their job and remove any evidence," Eddie said as he flicked off the lights and shut the door behind us.
It was nearing 2am when we finally headed out of the school. The fall air was in full effect, and Eddie draped his arm around me to keep out the chill until we could get to the car.
How are you feeling?" I asked as we walked across the parking lot.
"I'm on the dark side of the moon," Eddie replied, gesturing to the waning crescent moon in the clear sky.
"You're… a Pink Floyd album?" I asked, confused by his meaning.
"I'm so over the moon, I'm on the dark side," he replied with a grin.
"Hmm…Well if you're a Pink Floyd album then I'm… a Tears for Fears song," I replied, thinking on my toes.
"You want to rule the world?"
No, I'm Head Over Heels," I laughed.
"Touché, my dear. Just don't ask me to sing it," Eddie said as we reached the car.
"Get a load of us, full of cheesy love puns."
"Right? What are you doing to me, Cooper?" Eddie asked, reaching over to open the car door for me.
"You started it. Hey, I have an idea," I offered, not getting in the car but leaning against the side.
"What is it?"
"Next Hellfire meeting, what do you say you find any excuse to stay back and we take advantage of that throne you love to sit in."
This was like music to his ears, but also he seemed surprised I would suggest such a thing. Like tonight really was a onetime thing.
"Or, we could go right now. I only need a few minutes to recover, I should be ready to go," he said, motioning that we go right back into the school and jokingly pretending to remove his belt.
"It's more fun if I know you'll have spent the entire meeting thinking about what's coming next. There's no way you'll be able to focus," I said with a quick kiss, then got into the passenger seat without another word.
Eddie shook his head and groaned, "I'm going to hold you to that one, just wait."
I laughed and replied in a sarcastic tone, "Aren't you lucky to love me?"
"The luckiest," he said, leaning into the car to kiss me again. "Now let's go home, tomorrow is another big day."
Once in the car, we turned on the headlights to admire the monstrosity on the roof one last time before it became the talk of the school in the morning. May Larry's legacy live far beyond just his sacrifices as a lab rat. Tomorrow, hopefully, he would go down in Hawkins History as the greatest euphemism for unimpressive male genitalia among the student population. With a final salute to the taxidermic rat who would serve us so well tomorrow, we drove away from the scene of our crimes. I was so caught up in what tomorrow might bring that I completely forgot just one thing: the remnant pieces of broken glass near the front of the parking lot I had promised to clean up.
Authors note:
I'm not gonna lie, this chapter was very difficult to write and took a very long time. I cried many times writing it and almost scrapped it completely. I'm not entirely sure I got it right, but I had to stop obsessing over editing and let it be what it is. I'll happily accept any feedback!
I've been packing up my life to move across the country In 3 weeks and have not had the time to dedicate to this story as much as I want to. There is still more to come so please be patient as I'm not sure when the next update will be.