Hector spent several days holed up in Edmund's room, hiding from the world. He didn't even want to go to his own room, because if somebody was looking for him they would know to find him there. He definitely didn't want to go to training. He didn't want to see those boys again. Edmund had assured him that he wouldn't have to worry about them anymore, but Hector didn't know how to trust that. What if he was lying? What if he was just wrong?
Edmund didn't go to Brotherhood training with the others. What if this kind of thing happened again with different boys? Edmund wouldn't be there to stop it, and nobody else really knew what Hector had been through.
He was getting tired of hiding away though. He didn't want to feel like a little kid anymore, cowering in his little cupboard, terrified of every little sound he heard because noise meant pain. Edmund was so patient with him, letting him stay in his room with his animals, cuddling on his bed when he felt like he needed support.
Adira was the one who suggested that Hector join Edmund and Quirin with their training, so he could get out of the room and do something with himself instead of getting stuck in his own head.
The training idea worked for a few days, but one day he started feeling tense for no good reason. The day wasn't any different from any other. He'd been doing better. Why did he suddenly feel bad? He tried to act like everything was normal, continuing on with training, but he couldn't relax. His skin felt like it was crawling every time he made contact with the others. Things were just not going well, and for reasons that he didn't understand one of the times when Quirin sent a kick his way felt like too much contact.
Hector became defensive and scared for no good reason, which led him to be frustrated with himself. He was supposed to be fine. Why wasn't he fine? Quirin and Edmund assured him that it was fine, but it wasn't. He knew that Quirin would never hurt him. Why was he feeling like he was just like those other boys?
The older boys tried to calm him down for a few minutes. Eventually Edmund left the room, only to return a few minutes later with Adira. Quirin hadn't understood why Edmund had thought that Adira would be able to help in ways that he couldn't, but Edmund just said that a woman's presence might help.
Hector hated it, but Edmund was right. As soon as Adira was there, he felt calmer. He knew that Adira was more than capable of hurting people, but he hadn't been hurt by women before. His dad, the boys, they were male. And so were Quirin and Edmund. No matter how much Hector trusted them, they were still guys, and his stupid head couldn't understand that he was safe.
After that day, Adira started joining them with all of their morning training. It was just the four of them, and it was nice. Slowly, Hector started to calm down. He started talking more again. He was able to let his animals spend more and more time in the stables, though he still needed them at his side most of the time.
Hector still didn't want to be around the other people in the castle. Whenever he saw Quirin's mom, or Edmund's dad, or the captain, or even just one of the other trainees or castle servants, he wouldn't relax until they were gone. He only walked around the castle when he had one of his friends there with him. He didn't want to be alone again, because when he was alone he was vulnerable.
They tried to be patient with him, but Hector knew they couldn't afford to stay forever. They had lives outside of him. Edmund was the prince, and he had lessons, studies, and other responsibilities. Quirin helped him more often than not. Even Adira was busy, as she was still training with the Brotherhood in addition to their private training.
Hector felt weird about this whole thing. He felt both completely fine and absolutely broken all the time. When people asked him how he was doing Hector felt like they were judging him. He felt like they expected him to be doing better than he was, but he also felt like they thought he should be doing worse, and that the fact that he was fine was just a sign that he wasn't normal.
Hector didn't know what people wanted from him. He felt like he had been thrown into a game that he didn't know the rules of, and it was overwhelming.
He started to go through the motions. He went where his friends went. He did what he was told. He tried to behave himself, because even though Edmund had kept true to his promise that he wouldn't be punished for what had happened, he felt like he was walking on thin ice. If he messed up again, that might be it. Even if he didn't mess up, Hector felt like if he got himself into trouble then it might be decided that he was too much work and just not worth the effort.
Because he wasn't. He was just one broken kid. Why should he be worth all of the time, energy, and resources that were given to him? He was probably just going to mess things up and waste or ruin all the chances he was given. The others would be better off giving these chances to somebody who could actually make something out of themselves.
A few weeks after the whole disaster with Mikhail and his friends, Hector had stopped having nightmares, he didn't shy away from touch, he wasn't hurting anymore, and Edmund had stopped looking at him like he was going to break at any second. If Hector was still with his father these would all be enough to make him feel back to normal again. Now he still felt broken, and he couldn't figure out why. Why couldn't he just be okay?
The others all acted like he was fine, and what was Hector supposed to do? Tell them that he wasn't okay, and then fail at explaining just what was wrong? It wouldn't help. All that would do was worry them.
So Hector didn't talk about what was in his head. Without really trying to, he put on an act. He didn't know what people wanted from him, except for Quirin, who wanted him to be happy. Being who or what other people wanted from him hurt, and it was exhausting, but it made sense. If Hector was what other people wanted, then he didn't have to think about what was wrong with him. He would know what was wrong with him. He just wasn't enough of what people wanted.
So Hector acted like he was okay, because that was what his friends expected, and that was what they wanted. He could do that.
He talked to his friends. He followed them to training and lessons. He played with his animals. It was nice, so why couldn't he stop feeling like he was trapped in darkness?
The days blurred together, and one day he felt like his mask was seconds away from breaking. He knew from experience that it was only a matter of time before he fell apart, which was why he decided to follow Adira that day. Quirin was the one that he was trying the hardest to convince, and showing him what was going on under the surface would just upset and disappoint him. As for Edmund, he still saw Hector as vulnerable. If he saw Hector break, he would think that something terrible had happened again. Nothing had happened though, and that was the problem.
Being with Adira was the best today, even if she had Brotherhood training. Hector just wouldn't participate. He could sit and watch. The captain would understand. He'd give him time. He knew what had happened, and he had said multiple times that he would give Hector all the space he needed to get better.
"I'm glad you're up for coming to training today." Adira said cheerfully as he followed behind her to the training rooms.
"I'm not joining." Hector said bluntly.
"That's fine." Adira shrugged. "One step at a time, right? You can't just expect yourself to be back to normal right away."
Hector relaxed ever so slightly. It was okay for him to not be okay? It was oddly reassuring, and Hector almost felt something break through the numbness when Adira continued.
"You're already doing so much better." Adira said. "Don't sell yourself short."
Hector's stomach fell and he felt like he was being swallowed whole. He was doing better? That didn't make any sense. He didn't feel better, but Adira wasn't a liar, and she didn't hide behind flowery words. She said what was on her mind. She really thought that she'd improved.
Hector didn't understand it. How could he be better when he felt like he was in the exact same place as before? He felt like he hadn't changed at all. Did he just not understand how his feelings worked? Was Adira just talking about the show that Hector was putting on? Who was right, and why did it bother him so much that he didn't know?
Hector felt fuzzy and heavy-headed as he numbly followed Adira into the training room. Hector felt all of his air leave him when he saw all of the boys in there, training. They weren't the ones that had hurt him, but Hector didn't know these boys. He just knew that they were Brotherhood trainees, just like the other boys had been.
Hector made a keening sound and stumbled to a corner so he could hunch there and make himself as small as he could. Maybe he could get away with not even being noticed. He could just watch, and soon training could be over and they could go somewhere else.
Training started, and Hector immediately noticed that while the captain was there, there was someone else with him helping with the training. Hector could tell by her outfit that she was part of the Brotherhood. She seemed to be there to help the captain demonstrate some partner moves. It looked like something that Hector would normally think was fun, but just the thought of participating made him feel like he couldn't breath. Trusting someone, being in close contact with them, it was not something he could do.
How pathetic was he, that he couldn't even think about doing something simple like this?
Soon the trainees started practicing the move that was demonstrated to them while the captain and knight watched and offered advice. The trainees had to take turns working together, because there was an uneven number of people at training today. Some of the boys glanced at Hector and asked why he didn't join them, but Adira and the captain shot down all of their comments.
The boys eventually backed down and dealt with the inconvenience. The knight didn't. She approached Hector and stared down at him while he glared right back at her. She was still a few feet away from him, but he felt crowded. He needed her to leave.
"Shouldn't you join your friends?" She asked. Her tone sounded like she was trying to be patient, but Hector could hear the impatience and lack of understanding in her voice.
Hector didn't answer, because he didn't feel up to talking. He just shook his head. No, he really didn't want to join the others. They weren't his friends, besides Adira. The captain said he could go back to training when he was ready, and he wasn't.
"Look, I know that the training is difficult, but you can't just pick and choose when you participate." The knight said. "This job takes devotion and hard work. Not everybody is cut out for it. The captain thinks you are, but if you don't step up and prove him right then you have no right to be at training."
"Kara," The captain called out. "Leave Hector to me." He came up to the knight and put a hand on her shoulder, pulling her back towards the trainees. Kara gave Hector a frustrated look before turning to the others. The captain sighed and knelt in front of Hector.
"Are you alright?" The captain asked. "You can join us, if you want."
Hector shook his head and curled up in a tighter ball. He just wanted to be left alone. The captain sighed and nodded.
"Okay." The captain said. It was so hard to tell how he was feeling from his tone. Was he frustrated with Hector? Was he worried about him? What did he want? The captain didn't give Hector any more clues. He just stood up and started demonstrating another skill to the other boys and Adira. Kara walked around the room, observing.
Hector numbly watched, feeling both heavy and really light, as though he was about to float away, but was stopped by the heaviest of chains. Breathing felt very weird, and once of twice he realized that he just seemed to forget to breathe in, so he had to make a conscious effort to do something that should be the most natural thing in the world.
Adira said he was better. Was this what better looked like? Still really painful, but in a different way than before.
Hector felt like he was dozing, but he was wide awake. He felt only somewhat connected to reality, but when he saw Kara walk towards him he stiffened and felt completely aware of just how close she was.
"I'm sorry. I know how overwhelming training can be sometimes." Kara said. "It can make you feel like there's no point in getting out of bed in the morning, right?"
Hector only somewhat understood the sentiment. He would love to just stay curled up in bed, but that would mean spending all day feeling terrible because he was letting people down.
"You're here for a reason though, and the Brotherhood doesn't give up." Kara gave him a small smile. "Why don't we do some one-on-one training?" Hector felt like he should, but he didn't want to move. He needed to catch up, but now wasn't a time that he could do that. Hector shook his head.
Kara's smile dimmed. She stepped closer to Hector, ignoring his warning growl. He wanted her to go away. Why wasn't she going away?
"You can't just hide in the corner for the rest of your life." Kara said. "You need to learn to fight." She reached a hand out towards Hector, and his mind went blank with panic.
He'd told her no, and Edmund said that was okay. He'd growled at her, which was the best he could do to tell her to leave him alone. She was ignoring what he wanted, and Edmund said that wasn't okay. He'd also said that it was okay to bite back sometimes.
Maybe this wasn't one of those times, but Hector wasn't calm enough to really think about that. All he knew was that Edmund said that he could protect himself, and Kara seemed to want him to fight.
Fine. She wanted a fight? He would give it to her.