Demons
I know what it is like to be inside a firestorm. When emotions so fierce and painful that you cannot face them descend on you like an avenging angel. I know.
I watched my entire team go up in smoke. My team. I led them, I trained them, I was responsible for them.
I failed them.
And I failed her. Jenny. My love, the one I wanted to be with. I failed her. I never told her how much she meant to me, I never had the courage. There had always been another time, tomorrow. But now there are no tomorrows, there is no such thing as a second chance for me, because she's gone. The flames swallowed her, as though Hell were punishing me for loving her because I was never meant to love.
I saw all of them die. Consumed in an explosion so intense that if I close my eyes I can still see it, as though it has been carved in to my eyelids as a constant reminder of how I failed them. An Eternal rebuke.
A part of me died that day. And a part of me dies every time I think of it. In little pieces, one by one, I'm dying. An empty shell of what I was. Kyle Stewart is dead. Only a living echo of him remains.
Why did I have to survive? I remember when Michael found me, the only thing I could think of was Dante. I only hoped that my partner had not also been crushed by the curse that must follow me. He hadn't been.
In many ways Dante is a part of me. The engineers told me that he was based on my own personality. Inseparably bonded to me and only me. I wonder if he shares my curse as well. I hope not, for his sake. I pray that he will never know this pain.
I was going to leave him. Let Dante take another driver. He would be much better off. But Dante wouldn't let me. The bond between driver and car pulled me back like an elastic band, the only thread holding me to sanity. He begged me not to abandon him.
Abandon him.
Like I have abandoned the others. If they are in Heaven or Hell or some nameless limbo, whichever religion is right, the fact remains that my team have gone on without me. I have abandoned them, I cannot abandon the last friend I have on this world.
Duke, Erica, Trek and...and...my Jenny. All gone. Do machines have souls? For that matter, do we humans? If such things do exist for those AI team members, I hope they are happy wherever they are, not screaming their wish for revenge on the one who led them to their destruction, on me. Although they have every right to hate me. I failed them, Beast, Kat, Plato and Domino, as much as I failed the others.
All I wanted was to make a difference. I failed to do even that.
What I want now is revenge. An attempt to bring some kind of justice to this bitter story. My body goes through the motions now. I watch with dispassionate eyes as I see and hear myself interact with my new teammates. Share a joke with Rick, help Jade and Dannie make some modification to Dante or one of the other cars, go out for coffee with Michael or Bonnie. I blindly go through it all. I say all the right things, make all the right moves so that none of them can see.
Because my soul is shattered. It's shards dig into me with every move I make, while I am forced to hide it beneath a facade of 'coping'.
And then we found him. Mobius, Garth Knight. Whoever he is or chooses to be, he killed them. All my team - my Jenny - all of them.
So I stood there, with a gun in my hands, looking at him as he was helpless in his wheelchair and I couldn't see him. I could only see the firestorm that took my Jenny away from me. I could only feel pure white-hot rage. A fury so violent that is washed through my entire body, scouring away all other thoughts, all other feelings.
Then I pulled the trigger. Then the wall exploded. Either way, he is now dead. I don't know why Dante chose to use that as a distraction. Perhaps he knew Mobius was there and wanted him dead as much as I did. I almost stepped into the flames just then, almost embraced them like an old friend. But Dante stopped me. I wasn't sure whether to thank him or curse him, I'm still not sure. Because the firewall of rage that ripped through me in that instant washed everything away, leaving only emptiness in it's wake. I can feel nothing now. There is just a black hole where my emotions used to be.
But if I think about it, maybe that isn't a bad thing. Feelings are like a disease. They eat away at you, making you do things that you wouldn't usually do. I think I am better this way.
All I ever wanted was to make a difference.
My only hope at redemption is to find a way to put it right. Perhaps then I can rejoin my Jenny. Perhaps this time it will work. Or perhaps I will die trying.
Just trying to make a difference.
~~~
By Rebecca Duty
----
One love feeds the fire
One heart burns desire
Wonder who's crying now
I know what it is like to be inside a firestorm. When emotions so fierce and painful that you cannot face them descend on you like an avenging angel. I know.
I watched my entire team go up in smoke. My team. I led them, I trained them, I was responsible for them.
I failed them.
And I failed her. Jenny. My love, the one I wanted to be with. I failed her. I never told her how much she meant to me, I never had the courage. There had always been another time, tomorrow. But now there are no tomorrows, there is no such thing as a second chance for me, because she's gone. The flames swallowed her, as though Hell were punishing me for loving her because I was never meant to love.
I saw all of them die. Consumed in an explosion so intense that if I close my eyes I can still see it, as though it has been carved in to my eyelids as a constant reminder of how I failed them. An Eternal rebuke.
A part of me died that day. And a part of me dies every time I think of it. In little pieces, one by one, I'm dying. An empty shell of what I was. Kyle Stewart is dead. Only a living echo of him remains.
Why did I have to survive? I remember when Michael found me, the only thing I could think of was Dante. I only hoped that my partner had not also been crushed by the curse that must follow me. He hadn't been.
In many ways Dante is a part of me. The engineers told me that he was based on my own personality. Inseparably bonded to me and only me. I wonder if he shares my curse as well. I hope not, for his sake. I pray that he will never know this pain.
I was going to leave him. Let Dante take another driver. He would be much better off. But Dante wouldn't let me. The bond between driver and car pulled me back like an elastic band, the only thread holding me to sanity. He begged me not to abandon him.
Abandon him.
Like I have abandoned the others. If they are in Heaven or Hell or some nameless limbo, whichever religion is right, the fact remains that my team have gone on without me. I have abandoned them, I cannot abandon the last friend I have on this world.
Duke, Erica, Trek and...and...my Jenny. All gone. Do machines have souls? For that matter, do we humans? If such things do exist for those AI team members, I hope they are happy wherever they are, not screaming their wish for revenge on the one who led them to their destruction, on me. Although they have every right to hate me. I failed them, Beast, Kat, Plato and Domino, as much as I failed the others.
All I wanted was to make a difference. I failed to do even that.
What I want now is revenge. An attempt to bring some kind of justice to this bitter story. My body goes through the motions now. I watch with dispassionate eyes as I see and hear myself interact with my new teammates. Share a joke with Rick, help Jade and Dannie make some modification to Dante or one of the other cars, go out for coffee with Michael or Bonnie. I blindly go through it all. I say all the right things, make all the right moves so that none of them can see.
Because my soul is shattered. It's shards dig into me with every move I make, while I am forced to hide it beneath a facade of 'coping'.
And then we found him. Mobius, Garth Knight. Whoever he is or chooses to be, he killed them. All my team - my Jenny - all of them.
So I stood there, with a gun in my hands, looking at him as he was helpless in his wheelchair and I couldn't see him. I could only see the firestorm that took my Jenny away from me. I could only feel pure white-hot rage. A fury so violent that is washed through my entire body, scouring away all other thoughts, all other feelings.
Then I pulled the trigger. Then the wall exploded. Either way, he is now dead. I don't know why Dante chose to use that as a distraction. Perhaps he knew Mobius was there and wanted him dead as much as I did. I almost stepped into the flames just then, almost embraced them like an old friend. But Dante stopped me. I wasn't sure whether to thank him or curse him, I'm still not sure. Because the firewall of rage that ripped through me in that instant washed everything away, leaving only emptiness in it's wake. I can feel nothing now. There is just a black hole where my emotions used to be.
But if I think about it, maybe that isn't a bad thing. Feelings are like a disease. They eat away at you, making you do things that you wouldn't usually do. I think I am better this way.
All I ever wanted was to make a difference.
My only hope at redemption is to find a way to put it right. Perhaps then I can rejoin my Jenny. Perhaps this time it will work. Or perhaps I will die trying.
Just trying to make a difference.
~~~
By Rebecca Duty
----
One love feeds the fire
One heart burns desire
Wonder who's crying now