Deal
by
Disclaimer: I disclaim. I don't own anything. Melinda Metz and Jason Katims own all, the WB, Fox, maybe even UPN own some portion. I'm not them!
Author's Note: I think that Isabel didn't really deal with Alex's death in the show. So, what better time to handle it than... summer?
Author's Note 2: Two very special lagomorphs (rabbits) helped me through some tough times once. But I bought both of them, knowing full well what I was getting into. Never, ever, give a pet as a gift, especially to a person who is grieving and probably can't handle it.
Summary: It's summer 2001, and though Alex was killed weeks ago, Isabel Evans hasn't had the time to process and deal with her grief. What will her summer be like?
Rating: By chapter.
Chapter Six--PG-13
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I got through the week, barely. Surprisingly, even to myself, I'm more than ready to go back to Elizabeth. But I'm equally scared, afraid that I'm hoping she's some kind of miracle lifeline that I'm clinging to, asking to fix everything.
But, for now, I try not to think about it, and I know my friends and family try hard to keep it from coming up. Yesterday, I heard my mother tell my father that I would need to face reality sometime, but for now, it was fine if I needed to cling.
Max stays at my side most of the day, leaving only when he has to, and even then, I sometimes hear him tell Michael or Kyle to watch out for me. Under ordinary circumstances, I would tell them to buzz off, but they're only trying to do the right thing. They're all scared that I'm going to do something stupid. I guess if I was in their position, I'd be afraid of that, too, but I'm not. I'm in my position.
It's mid-June, and the weather is typically New Mexico hot. I love to swim, I'm capable and strong, and I used to belong to the diving team, but this year, I haven't gone to the pool more than twice, hating the attention I draw, the whispers and stares.
I sleep with a picture of Alex in my arms. I have to wash it every morning to get the fingerprints and lint and stuff off of it, but I couldn't sleep without it. But I don't try to dreamwalk him anymore, afraid of what our meetings might bring. Besides, I wouldn't want to do wrong by his memory. I think the dream-Alex was right when he said Alex wouldn't want to be there.
My friends and family have been wonderful to me. Max even gave me a little bunny, and he's probably the only thing that I take care of regularly. He spends more time in my arms than in his cage, and he's wonderfully affectionate. I named him Alex II.
Max told me that he's going to get big, ten or eleven pounds at least, and I've spoiled him rotten. He doesn't actually live in a cage, but in a puppy pen in the corner of my room, about six feet long and two feet wide. He gets gourmet bunny food, and held almost six or seven hours a day. I've even learned to type one-handed to accommodate his arrival.
Sometimes, he's my best friend. There's just something about a pet that makes him more of a best friend sometimes than any human could ever be.
*********
Liz and Maria invited me to one of their sleepovers. I'm shocked, and a little bit excited, too, I have to admit. But I'm not certain that Max or Michael didn't put them up to this. I don't want their pity. But if they're truly willing to try and be friends, I couldn't be more grateful.
Sometimes, it gets lonely being the only girl in a trio of best friends. Max and Michael have always treated me as an equal, from day one, but still, there's just something there, that pushes us further and further apart as we grow older.
I pack my bag carefully, not wanting to appear unfriendly. I don't know what I'm getting into, I've never been on a girly sleepover, but they seem to know that, and have promised to show me the way. There's some movies, a couple of CDs, and my clothes in the pack, as well as a sleeping bag. Not that I'll need one. I'll be lucky if I can go to sleep at all, in this heat.
At twenty minutes to seven, I leave, not wanting to be late. It's hard to feel included in Liz and Maria's friendship, sometimes, and I don't want tonight to be like that. I say this, because it's usually my fault. They do their best, but it's really all in my perception.
Maria's mother opens the door, her expression obviously one of anger. I look around for the cause, and find that she's holding a portable telephone. She waves me inside, and flashes a quick smile before pointing absently in the direction of what I can only assume is Maria's room.
I knock gently on the door, unexpectedly finding it open. It swings into the room, and I find Maria, cotton balls between her toes, painting her nails. "Hey!" She greets me in her usual exuberant fashion, and I can't help but smile.
"Hey." I stand there uncomfortably for a moment, then drop my bags to the floor. "Where should I put my stuff?" I ask.
Maria shrugs. "Oh, anywhere. We'll have to move stuff when it's time to sleep, anyway."
I nod, and leave my bags where they are. Maria hands me a bag of cotton balls, and some nail polish. "What color do you want?" She asks.
I'm surprised with her open friendliness, but then remember that this is probably, at least in part, due to Max and Michael. My mood sinks, just a little, but I can't get too upset, because she is being so welcoming. "Can I use the red?" I ask, and Maria hands it to me.
I look at it, and then at today's outfit, and tomorrows'. It doesn't quite match. "Is it okay if I change it, just a little?" I ask, not really sure of what Maria's reaction will be. Once upon a time, it would have been open hysteria, and more recently, I think it would have been hostility. But now, she's gotten closer to Michael, and so I don't know.
But what I don't expect is the calm, comfortable "Sure!" I get in response. Lucky for me, she doesn't look up, because I'm sure that the surprise must be quite evident on my face.
We're settled in this way when Liz arrives, walking through the door without so much as knocking. For a moment, I envy her and Maria's relationship, and then remember that they've made it open to me, and I feel so lucky. Even if it was just a threat from one of my brothers that made them do it.
She drops her stuff, and greets us cheerily. "Hey, guys!"
Maria doesn't look up, but I suppose fifteen years of friendship affords you the right to ignore each other once in a while. Two of anger and hostility, really don't, so I reply politely. "Hi, Liz."
She nods, and pulls gently on Maria's hair. "You who?" She asks, and Maria looks up.
"Oh," She says with what I know is feigned surprise. "You're here."
Liz smiles at her. "Yeah. I'm here." She kicks off her shoes, and grabs the bag of cotton balls. "Hey, you got any polish remover, Maria?" She asks. "Mine are still done from the last time we did this."
Maria shakes her head. "I think my mom goes through it a gallon at a time, getting ready to go out with Sheriff Valenti." She makes a face.
"I could do it," I offer quietly, surprised at my own boldness.
Liz hesitates a minute, then nods. "Sure. What's the fun of painting your nails if they aren't going to look good when they're done, right?"
She watches as I wave a hand over her feet, and the polish disappears. She grins, and starts stuffing the cotton between her toes. "Thanks."
"Hey, Isabel," Maria asks. "Can you do my fingers? I think they're going to be stuck this color for the rest of my life if you don't help."
I smile, and take a look at Maria's golden nails, with little sparkles in the polish. "It's cute," I tell her.
"Thanks. I wore it with that dress, that golden one?" Liz nods, and Maria continues, absentmindedly as I wave a hand over her nails. "Of course, nobody got much time to admire that particular combination, but..." She stops when she realizes that Liz is watching her intently.
Liz looks up at her, and stops painting. "Mariaaaaa?" She asks. "Is there something you're not telling me?"
The signals weren't all that obvious to me, but apparently, to Liz, they were crystal clear. Then, I remember the last time Maria wore that dress, and I think there is indeed something she hasn't told Liz. But I stay quiet, willing to let them work it out on their own. Besides, it's really none of my business what she and Michael do with their spare time.
Once upon a time, I would have been all over them about it, telling them that it's not safe, that we don't know what the alien/human combination would do, but now, I realize that that would have just been a smokescreen for my jealousy. About what, I'm not sure. But that's what it would have been.
Maria looks like she's weighing the issues, trying to decide if she wants to tell Liz, but I already know she will. She and Liz seem to have almost no secrets from each other. She looks at me, though, and I realize she might be uncomfortable discussing it in front of me.
"I'm going to go... outside for a minute," I tell them.
Maria knows what I'm doing, and shakes her head. "No, Isabel, it's okay. It's just a little weird, to be discussing this."
"Discussing what?" Liz asks. "You haven't said anything yet."
Maria takes a deep breath. "You know the night when we thought Max and Isabel," She nods to me and continues, "And Michael might leave?" I know she's purposely leaving Tess out of the equation, but neither Liz nor I bother to say anything.
"How could I forget?"
"Well, I was kind of... with Michael that night."
Liz doesn't get it right away, but when it sinks in, she just looks surprised, not angry or upset, or anything. I envy that, and wish that I had a friend who wouldn't judge my actions as much as Max and Michael do. I guess I sort of have that in Kyle, now, though.
"You slept with him?" She asks, trying, I guess, to make sure she understood right.
Maria smiles a little, looking at the ground, and fiddling with a ring on her left hand. "Yeah."
Liz jumps up, and hugs her friend. "Congratulations, Maria, you're finally first!"
I must look perplexed, because Maria takes it upon herself to explain Liz's statement.
"It was always Liz," She says. "Got kissed first, fell in love first, went on a date first. Regarding guys, I've always been kind of retarded, compared to her."
"You have not!" Liz denies, but Maria ignores her.
"But... Kyle?" I ask, still not sure how this works out.
"A... trick," Liz tells me. "It's a long story, but at one time, the world depended on Max and Tess getting together."
I shake my head. "I bet that is a long story," I agree. "Can I hear it sometime?"
Liz nods. "Sure. But tonight, we're going to have some fun. And celebrate!" She holds up a plastic cup of soda, and me and Maria each pick up ours. "To Michael and Maria!" She toasts, and Maria blushes.
***********
That night took my mind off all of my troubles, and for those fun-filled, gossip-spouting hours of the night, I didn't once mourn over Alex. Oh, I thought about him, what he would have said to Liz or Maria, or me, but never with tears in my eyes, just a smile on my face.
And now that I'm thinking about it, the next day, I realize that for the first time, I don't want to die. Oh, I never planned on creating my death, but that doesn't mean I didn't wish for it. And now, finally, I want to live for something other than the people I love. I want to live for me. And for Alex. Because he wouldn't want me to be this miserable.
Oh, but maybe I owe you some more of the reason why I decided I want to live.
***********
We'd watched three movies, eaten a quart of ice cream, exercised together on Maria's floor, drunk three entire 20-oz. bottles of diet Pepsi, and were almost hysterical with caffeine, exhaustion and sugar by the time two o'clock rolled around. Slowly, we cleaned up, and Maria shoved her things out of the way so that Liz and I could spread out our sleeping bags.
Maria was saying good-night to her mother, and Liz was in the bathroom when someone knocked on the window. I approached it cautiously, having no idea who would be there in the middle of the night. After all, what was the telephone, and for that matter, the front door for if you were just going to use the window?
I pulled up the shades a little, slightly curious, but not really concerned. After all, what does an alien girl with special powers have to be afraid of? The figure outside was dark, and I pulled up the window. "What do you want?" I asked.
He turned his head to me, and in an instant, I recognized my brother-not-by-blood. "Michael?" I ask incredulously. "What are you doing here? It's two in the morning."
He looks just as surprised. "Isabel? What are you doing here?"
Well, I guess that crosses him off the list of people responsible, if this is a setup. "Taking part in a girly, gossipy, sugar-ridden sleepover," I informed him. "Maria'll be back in a minute."
He nods, and looking rather uncomfortable, pulls himself through the window. Unable to stop myself, I asked him the question that has plagued my mind for months. "Michael? Do you do this often?" I asked.
He shrugs, looking at his boots and shifting his weight from foot to foot. "Sorta," he responds, and in Michael-talk, which I've long since learned to decode, that means 'yes'.
I grinned, and am just about to start bugging him about spending time with the enemy, asking him where ol' stonewall took off to, when Maria wanders into the room, yawning into her hand, wearing just a nightshirt that barely reaches her thighs. Even after she sees her surprise visitor, she doesn't seem to care about modesty, or lack thereof.
"Michael?" She asks through a yawn. "What are you doing here?"
"Are those the only words anyone can utter tonight?" I asked, and as expected, they both ignored me.
"I just came by to..."
Maria waved her hand in the fashion only she can. "It's okay, Spaceboy, I know."
I looked closer at Michael, and realized that I could see the stress through his body, tensing every muscle. And it hurt, and still hurts, me to realize that Maria could see in a glance what I had to take a second look to even perceive.
I was jealous, too. I'll admit it. Something was wrong, and he went to Maria. It was just hard to realize that the guy who'd been one of my best friends for year, now had a new center to his universe. Hell, he was going to stay, going to give up the chance to go home, to understand himself and his heritage, just so that he wouldn't lose Maria.
I slipped out of the room, silently pulling the door closed behind me as I left. I met Liz in the hallway, and she gave me a look, asking me with her eyes, what was going on.
"Michael came over," I explained. Liz nodded, and we both retired to the living room to await his departure.
Just then, a stray thought came over me. "Do you suppose he'd ever use a door to enter a building if there was a window?"
For some reason, this sets off a chain of hysteria, having been previously there, but needing something to ignite it, and Liz and I muffled our mouths in our hands, trying not to awaken Ms. DeLuca. But we were just crazy with laughter, and when Maria finally comes to join us, she finds us half-on and half-off the couch, our bodies shaking."What's so funny?"
I gathered my giggles under control long enough to spit out, "We were just wondering... if Michael would use a door.... if he had the choice.... of a.... window!"
Maria looked at us funny for a moment, and then joined our laughter. Covering her mouth with one hand, she grabbed Liz with the other, and to my surprise, Liz grabbed my hand. Maria took our little train into her room, and shut the door.
When we finally stopped laughing, she turned out the light, and we exchanged good-nights. I could hear Maria's steady breathing after only a few moments, and Liz's half an hour later. But I just lay there, thinking my way through the night.
Michael and Maria have what Alex and I had, I decided. And though it hurt me to see them together, I couldn't bear the thought of either of them hurting the other. And that's what I would be doing to Alex if I gave up on life: I'd be hurting him.
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