Deal
by
Disclaimer: I disclaim. I don't own anything. Melinda Metz and Jason Katims own all, the WB, Fox, maybe even UPN own some portion. I'm not them!
Author's Note: I think that Isabel didn't really deal with Alex's death in the show. So, what better time to handle it than... summer?
Summary: It's summer 2001, and though Alex was killed weeks ago, Isabel Evans hasn't had the time to process and deal with her grief. What will her summer be like?
Author's Note 2: Two very special lagomorphs (rabbits) helped me through some tough times once. But I bought both of them, knowing full well what I was getting into. Never, ever, give a pet as a gift, especially to a person who is grieving and probably can't handle it.
Rating: By chapter.
Chapter Seven--PG
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Six weeks later
Life gets better. There is a reason to live, and I've found it, though I'm not really sure I could explain what it is, or why it compels me to continue existing, to keep breathing. It's just something. Something that pulls on the back of my psyche, something that tells me that I have to give life another chance.
Now that I've pulled a little way out of my depression, it can scare me to look back on that sad, hopeless creature that I was, mere months ago. It's funny how all your inhibitions about dying can go so haywire when you lose someone you love. For a long time, I felt like I wanted to be dead, more than anything, but lacked the courage to do anything about it.
Now, I'm glad that I did.
I know that Max and Michael can sometimes feel my state of mind, so it makes sense that they always seem to know when to stay with me, and when I can be left by myself while they go out, and not fall into a crumpled mess. But I have new respect for the human intuition, because if I didn't already know, I couldn't have told you that Mom and Dad, and my new friends, Kyle, Liz and Maria, didn't have alien sensors.
School is about to start again, and it's back to the hallways of West Roswell High. I still haven't decided whether I'm going back with my friends or not. Technically, I'm not a graduate, but my teachers told me that 'Things could be taken care of' if I wanted to not come back to my senior year.
I think that it will hurt, probably like hell. But I'm not sure if I should be afraid of that, or not. Over this summer, I've learned that pain isn't always bad, be it emotional or physical. In the physical, pain keeps you from further injuring yourself. In the emotional, it's much more complex, but the idea is the same.
I have memories in those halls. Memories after memories after memories. Alex staring at me as I walked past, Ice Queen routine in full force. Liz and Maria glaring at me from either of his sides, after I'd snubbed him again. And again. And again.
Gym was the hardest class to finish last year. I had a lot of sore ankles and stomachaches, but luckily for me, when the school started to get suspicious, my therapist wrote me a note, and I got out of it altogether.
I kissed Alex in that room. And he was so alive, so pure and clean, and he seemed so happy. It's hard to believe that Tess had a hold on his mind for so long, that she had his mind twisted in unimaginable torment while he grinned down on me like an eighteen-year-old who'd just won the lottery, and had his whole life to enjoy it.
Sometimes, this unbelievable rage boils up in me, and I have to get to the desert, fast, and let it explode, whipping up sand storms, and creating dust out of the boulders in the vast expanse, so that I don't do so in sight of another person. Tess was my friend, and though she caused more than her fair share of problems, she was so, so close to be accepted into our little group.
Then, she had to go and betray us like this. Sometimes I still can't wrap my mind around that fact. Because lying, cheating, maybe even stealing a heart that should have belonged to someone else, those are things that I believe Tess capable of. That I've seen her do. But this betrayal, and Alex's murder, it reeks of evil, and I find it hard to believe that she is truly an evil being.
Maybe I'm just still trying to identify with the only being that ever really understood me. Because, alien or not, Max and Michael are guys, and the male mind, be it a Martian's, a human's, or a snail's, always seem to think a little bit different. And Liz and Maria, even if they didn't both hate me, are human, and can never be anything else.
Or maybe I'm just still deluding myself. I did a lot of that right after Alex died. Things were so busy, I didn't have time to grieve, so there was a lot of denial going on then.
Anyway, I'm sure that I'm processing Alex's death better if I'm ready to try to tackle another subject. A couple of months ago, I didn't want to think about Tess at all, because it would have been too much, piled on top of my grief at the time.
A slight change of subject, but I'm going across the street to take Alex II to visit a neighbor's rabbit, in hopes of convincing him he's a lagomorph, and not a homo sapiens. (Lagomorph meaning rabbit.) No matter what I do, he can't seem to figure out why he isn't given the same privileges as the rest of the family, meaning being allowed to put his feet on the table. (Which is something I really have to got to train my brother out of.)
Our neighbor is an elderly woman, and she's had several rabbits. She tells me that her rabbit acts like an ordinary bunny, and suggested that maybe Alex II will pick up something from him. I hope so. It's getting too tough to tell my brother to get his big feet off the table, and then have to scoop the bunny off of it, and then have to yell at my brother again.
I'm lost in though, memories consuming my brain's functions when suddenly something flashes in my vision, and I turn sharply. But the truck comes too fast, and the small amount of a push I'm able to give it with my powers isn't enough. It hits me hard, and Alex II skids out of my hands. I watch him, shocked but not yet in any pain, make for our front door and start to scratch on it.
The driver of the truck, and older man, comes running. "Oh my God," He says. "Ma'am! Ma'am! Can you hear me? Do you need to go to a hospital?"
The pain is coming now, and my bunny's scratching has caught my brother's attention. Max comes running from the house, yelling for me, scooping the rabbit up as he goes, knowing how much he means to me. "IS-A-BEL!"
The pain is coming now, waves and waves of it. They wrack my stomach, my chest, my head. But I focus on sending it away, and manage to sit up. I'm glad Max is here, I know he'll think some way out of this. "I'm fine," I tell the worried truck driver, internally grimacing at what I know are life-threatening, maybe even lethal, wounds.
Max reaches my side, and I reach for Alex. My brother hands me the beloved pet, and helps me to my feet. "She'll be fine," He tells the man as well, "But you can stay, and I'll be back out in a few minutes if you want to make sure."
The man nods, gets shakily behind the wheel of his truck, and drives it to the side of the road. He then sits worriedly in our porch swing, waiting, as Max takes me and Alex II into the house.
My brother touches my face and my belly, and looks into my eyes. "Open up, Iz," He tells me. I don't hesitate. There isn't much about me that he hasn't seen already, anyway. I loose my mental barriers, and they come crashing down.
Max's presence crawls into my head, and I don't fight it. In fact, I don't fight anything. I can feel the wounds tearing apart my insides, but I don't help Max fix them. My pet, the one who probably saved my life, is clutched to my lap like the savior that he is, and suddenly everything is peaceful.
Max removes his hands from my body, and looks at me, no longer inside of my head. "Iz!"
I look at him, and his image looks odd, wavy, like things do when you first wake up. I just stare, waiting for him to tell me that I'm going to be fine, that I won't be joining Alex in the sky for a long time. But he doesn't, he looks frantic.
"Wha...at?" I manage.
"Iz, you're resisting me somehow! Stop." Max orders, his voice calm, but laced heavily with concern and worry.
I turn inside myself, and see the barrier I've created that's keeping Max out. But try as I might, it won't come down. Then, I realize that I don't want to. And willpower alone is keeping that barrier up.
I look at my brother for a long moment, and I know he sees what I'm feeling in my eyes, because his face shows it. He shakes his head, over and over, warring with his desire to keep me safe, and with the knowledge that I can never truly be happy on earth again, and might be better off wherever it is that Alex is staying.
"Get Michael," I tell him, my voice whisper-thin. "And Kyle."
Max looks at me funny when I make the second request, but just nods. He turns to the door, and tells the man that I'm going to be fine. Then he steers him back to his car, and the driver takes off.
My brother calls Michael and Kyle, I know. But what he doesn't know is that I know he also called Liz. I can hear him talking of the phone from where I lie in the living room, resting quietly. This means Maria is coming, too, because between Michael and Liz, she'll learn somehow.
Originally, I'd planned for only Michael, Max and Kyle to be here. I wanted my parents desperately, but I can't involve them. I can't risk Max and Michael, as much as I want to. Just because I think they'll take it well doesn't mean they will. I hate to admit it, but I've been wrong before.
But Liz, and Maria only a little less, have been good friends to me in the past couple of years. They're presence can't hurt, and maybe it will help Max and Michael through this.
I truly don't want to hurt my brother, either one of them. But I'm sick and tired of living in this world without Alex. It hurts too much. I know he'll be sad that I didn't stay, when I see him, but I think he'll understand, too, because I know this is how he'd feel if I were the one lying here.
And that will to live I talked about? Well, I don't have the faintest idea what happened to it. Maybe it was never really there, I just imagined it because I needed something other than Max and Michael's wishes to make me cling to my miserable existence. Maybe it disappeared, for who knows what reason.
But it isn't here anymore.
Maybe I won't die. Then I'll keep going about my life, until another accident occurs, or until I die of old age. But I can feel myself getting weaker, and I pray that Michael and Kyle show up soon. Because I desperately don't want to leave this world without saying good-bye to my second brother, by friendship if not by blood, and the guy who's been my best friend for the better part of this last year.
Max is kneeling by my side, ashen-faced. Michael just barges in when he shows up, alien powers granting him access. Kyle is close on his heels, and I can hear another car in the street, probably Liz and Maria. They both drop to their knees at my side, too.
Kyle has tears in his eyes, but he just caresses my face, and tucks my hair away. I look at both of them, and feel the urge to cry, too. "What should I do?" I whisper.
Michael doesn't answer. Maria rushes into the room, and wraps her arms protectively around him. He sinks into her grasp, and I can tell you, for a guy who once wanted to be a stone wall, he sure has changed.
Kyle's voice is shaky, but sure. "What you think is right, Iz. If it's your time to leave this planet, then do it." He seems so sure of his beliefs. And I guess I would be, too, if I thought that everyone I'd ever met would be up there to greet me. But that's not me, and because I don't believe in God, I taking a real gamble by maybe greeting the next life, and maybe greeting nothingness for the rest of eternity.
I'd be happy to settle for Alex.
Michael's voice shakes too, but he doesn't offer an explanation as he presses two fingers to my head, and floods me with images. It's a dream, where he's being chased, and I save him. I've seen this before. Michael has some God-awful nightmares, and I've helped him out of more than a few.
I see the look on his face, and his lips move so little that I almost don't notice, but he utters a soft word. "Please,"
I know he wants me to stay. But I know he won't ask me to. Because he knows as well as I do that my happiness on this earth has been forfeit ever since Alex Whitman died.
I look at my brother, and see nothing but sadness and admiration shining in his gaze. Mr. Kingly is letting me make a choice, for once in my life, though there is a practical side of this matter to consider. Without me, Max and Michael might not be able to fight our enemies.
"I won't tell you what to do, Iz."
Liz, however, decides to do it for him. "Isabel. The world may rest on whether you let Max help you today or not. I know you're not happy here, God knows how I'd feel if it was Max who'd died that day, but you have to stay! It's not a choice for you to make. I'm sorry, but your happiness, one way or another, isn't the lives of 6 billion people!"
Michael's eyes plead with me. Liz states an argument that believe me, has gone through my head a million times already. I look at my brother. His look says nothing.
"Save me," I tell him, in a whisper.
********
He stares deep into my eyes, and presses his hands to my temples. But as soon as they fall away, I know from his look, that it's too late. It may have always been too late for me, I don't know. I like to think so. It makes my burden a little lighter as I leave this world.
Kyle kisses my forehead, and steps back, tears running rivulets down his cheeks. His cheeks crumpled, "Be happy, Izzy," Is the only thing he tells me before my brothers, both of them, crowd in against me.
Neither of them are fighting the tears, either. Michael buries his head in my chest, and his head rocks with his sobs. "God, Izzy, I need you," He says, mumbling so badly that I doubt anyone else hears.
I push his head up with what little strength I have left, and force him to look me in the eye. "You can do it, Michael. I know you can. Don't ever run away from Maria, she can do more for you than you'll ever imagine."
I should know.
Maria takes his arm, and leads him away. He collapses, rocking back and forth in a chair, Maria hugging him, comforting him as best as she knows how.
Max is before me. My brother looks guilty, and I know he'll say something about it. "Don't be sorry." I tell him, before he can utter a word.
He nods slowly.
"Don't," I tell him again, just to make sure that he knows. "You can't be sorry. This was all my choice, or God's choice, or hell, it could have been Tess's choice for all we now, but it was not yours, Max, it was never yours. So you can't be guilty."
He nods, and hugs me. His face makes my already soaked shirt wetter, but I don't care. "I love you, Iz."
I kiss his cheek. "I love you too, Max. Take care of yourself."
Liz and Maria wander over, looking uncertain and confused, but definitely sad.
"We'll miss you, Isabel," Maria tells me.
"You've been a good friend," Liz adds.
I try to laugh, but only succeed in coughing up blood. "No, I haven't. But I'll miss you, too." We just look at each other for a long moment, then they pull away, leaving me to be surrounded by my brothers and best friend.
The world is getting blurry, and I can see something now. I don't know what it is, light of some sort. Maybe my head's dying, not enough oxygen. Maybe there is a heaven, and I'm looking at it. I don't know. But I'm aware of every little touch of Kyle, Max, and Michael's skin against mine, and thankful for every little moment. They've all meant so much to me.
Suddenly, I remember something that I haven't told Max, and I focus on him, with great difficulty. "You..." I say, choking a little, "You... can do it... Max."
He seems to know what I mean, and I'm grateful, because the dark is swallowing me, and though I'm sad, I'm not really upset. I'm going home. To Alex. To be with him for eternity.
Kyle, Michael and Max's faces are the last thing I see before I shut my eyes forever.
[Prologue] [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [Epilogue]
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