I'll cry,
sigh, and just…walk away…
By
Ukyou
---
This fic is largely based upon the
songs "Heart-Shaped Tears" from Lunar 2: Eternal Blue and "Drive" by Incubus
---
I stood on
the bridge, the beautiful bridge that I had always admired. I had my small
radio playing songs that reminded me of so much…and yet I could not even bear
to sing with them anymore. With that, I took the small radio, and threw it as
far away from myself as possible. It landed in the river with a small splash,
as I realized what I had done. I reached out…trying to get it again…but the
radio continued playing…even as the music slowly faded away…
I sat down
as tears formed near the rims of my eyes. I looked up, as I saw the moonlight
shimmering across the water's edge. Down under the water was the tape that
Sakura had given to me. I threw it over too. You know…its quite funny, really.
I lost her. And now I threw over the only thing I had left of her. How typical.
Not like I give a shit.
Or at
least…I don't give a shit…anymore…
Sometimes
now…I find myself head in hands because I can't do anything anymore. Sakura is
gone. Li is gone. There is no more Sakura and Li. Theres only me and Tomoyo.
And as I said to Sakura before she left. I'm…powerless…
I'm alone…all
alone sometimes. I hate it. Even Tomoyo seems so far away…its madening…I can't
stand it. I've gotten to the point to not knowing…just how I will feel in the
near future when I see Sakura and Syaoran. I've lost all my self-esteem. I've
lost my confidence. Sometimes, I think I've even lost my will to live. But
why…why would I lose everything just because Sakura and Syaoran are gone…
Its
because..maybe…besides Tomoyo, Sakura and Syaoran were the only things I had.
Now…its only me and Tomoyo.
Before
she left…I was the last person to speak with Sakura. I felt so confident I
could stop her from leaving. Even as I spoke though…I felt as if somehow…I
wasn't reaching out to her. It seemed like she was so far away at the same
time…and I couldn't reach her. Then, she just…disappeared.
Maybe
that's why I'm so depressed now. Maybe its because…it hurt so much. It hurt so
much to lose Sakura. As much as people say it wasn't possible to do anything…there was something I could have
done. I could have just left…knowing it was hopeless. Still, being the hopeful
and confident bastard I was, I FAILED!!!!!
In
fact…I've had several nightmares about it.
Sakura
would be standing in front of me, as we stood in a field of cherry blossoms…and
she would run away. I ran after her, the wind gently carving away the cherry
blossoms around me. Still…she always ran fastedr than me…just that tiny bit
away from my reach. Then…I would see her run past Tomoyo, as she stared deep
inside my soul. Immediately…Tomoyo would slap me in the face…but smiling still.
Something that haunted me. From there…I would wake up.
I
cannot imagine just how Tomoyo feels. I know she feels something. Being in love
with her…and knowing her for as long as I…I know this. She is hiding it. And
that is why she was smiling at me while she slapped me in my dream. She's
depressed, but she's trying to hide it away with another face.
I've
tried pathetically since then…to try and talk to Syaoran. He had been ignoring
me for some time. I didn't know what to say at all. Not at all. He was denying
our friendship…our trust…it seemed. He was ignoring it all.
In
actuality…what had split him and Sakura apart…the exact same thing…was
endangeriung my very own relationship with Tomoyo. You see…I was forbidden to
ever talk to Tomoyo again…ever…for my mother was clearly against it. And still,
still…I sneak off my relationship. I allow it to continue. I risk it
all..because I truly love her.
I tried
as many methods as I could to talk to Syaoran…knowing that I lost Sakura. When
I finally did talk to him, I burst out in tears literally. This had all hurt me
too much…and I forgot completly what I was to say to him. I can't talk anymore
to anyone…I've lost that power…its gone…
And
soon…I realized that there was nothing for me to do at all. I had merely been
playing myself…doing what I thought was best…but my emotions
had…just…controlled me.
And I'm powerless to control them. I
hate myself for that.
If I
could…I would just disappear. I want to get rid of everything and not see
anyone from my group ever again. Still…Tomoyo. I love her…with all my heart. I
can't stand to be without her.
Even
right now, as Syaoran and Sakura cry out heart-shaped tears…I can only sit down
here…on my favorite bridge. Powerless to do anything. All I can do is sit
down…sigh…cry…and walk away…
---Author's
notes
Y'know…there used to be a time in which…well, I could actually…reach out
and help people. I failed. This is written with real feelings….so, it'll be my
heart your damaging. In fact, say what you want to say…I doubt anything can make
me worse than I already am. I'm sorry…I haven't been myself lately. The fact
is…something happened…and I had to write about it before I went crazy.
Still…this is exactly how I feel.
Sometimes,
I guess…we're just not meant to fix things at all. I don't know what to say to
this. If I couldn't fix anything…then why…why did I have to lose my self-esteem
and everything? WHY CAN'T I BE ABLE TO HELP ANYONE ANYMORE?! WHY MUST I BE THE
ONE IN NEED OF HELP?!
--
Sometimes…I feel the fear of…
Uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
take the wheel and steer
Its driven me before…and it appears to have a vague
haunting mass appeal
And lately I
am beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
So if I, decide to wavier my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
Its driven me before and it appears to be the way
that everyone else gets around
And lately I am beginning to find that when I drive myself…
My light is found
So, whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes…
Whatever tomorrow beings, I'll be there
I'll be there…
--
Take
a bow
~fin
