Madam and Missy — A Pride and Prejudice Variation
This is dedicated to all the writers both here and on KU who've released their stories for free! As I enjoy reading them so much, I thought that I'd have a go, and here it is.
[Note that I'm a Brit, so have written with British spelling, punctuation and terminology 😏]
In which too many Fitzwilliams arrive and Miss Bingley is reacquainted with Lady Prudence
PEMBERLEY
Darcy
He readily acknowledged that it was more enjoyable anticipating the arrival of his family than it had been the previous day. It had been more akin to dread, awaiting the arrival of Miss Bingley. He was pleased that Peters had foiled an attempted compromise. It was the right thing to do, assigning a footman to the family corridor overnight. Thank goodness!
His mother joined him at the open front door as the cavalcade of carriages drew to a halt in front of the manor house. A flurry of footmen fussed about opening the carriage doors and assisting the travellers to alight. Many of the Fitzwilliam men had ridden and stable boys ran forward to take the reins of their horses.
As Darcy and Lady Anne greeted their newest guests, the air was filled with the sounds of glad greetings and happy chatter. Mrs. Reynolds had a small army of maids ready to show the visitors to their chambers.
"Join us for refreshments in the rose parlour, when you are ready!" called Lady Anne as the throng made its way up the marble stairs to the first floor. Darcy offered her his arm and they made their way to the parlour. It was a lovely late spring day, so the doors to the terrace overlooking the rose garden were wide open. A couple of tables and some chairs were outside for those who cared to sit there.
Miss Bingley was sitting inside, while the Hursts stood together at the threshold admiring the early roses.
The Fitzwilliams, young and old, gradually joined them. Darcy noticed that, without Lady Catherine, they were a happy, lively family and had lots of news to exchange. His uncle, Judge Darcy, knew them well and was drawn into their merry multitude.
He felt a hand on his arm and looked down to see Georgiana. She started to say something, but stopped and turned away to be replaced by their cousin, Lady Charity. Darcy smiled down at her and offered his arm.
"Georgie has gone to help Aunt Anne with some detail for this evening's meal, so you will have to bear my company instead!"
"I can bear the deprivation as it has lent me your company," said Darcy.
"Aha! If I had not seen your joyfulness in London, I should not have believed Richard when he spoke of the effect that your Shropshire lass has had on you!" said Charity, teasing her cousin.
"Indeed!" He made the only possible reply, then started to ask if his sister had told of his surprise. "Georgi— "
"Oh, dear Georgiana!" cried a shrill, unwelcome voice. "It has been far too long since we met in Bath! How lovely it is to see you again!"
"I— " began Charity, startled.
"Come, sit with me. I am sure that your dear brother can part with you to reunite with such a close friend. But you are welcome to join us, dearest Darcy." Miss Bingley fluttered her eyelids at Darcy as she tried to pull Charity away.
Doggedly, Lady Charity clung to Darcy's arm.
"I am all impatience to hear— "
"There you are, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle!" Lady Prudence's voice broke in. "Distant niece, dear, do let go of dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle. I need her to help me to find seats for us both with a good view of the dancing."
Darcy noticed the emotions of Miss Bingley's face swiftly change from annoyance to impotent fury. He hid a smile.
"Come now, find us some seats. Then you can tell me who all of these people are." Lady Prudence pulled Miss Bingley to some chairs by the door to the terrace.
Miss Bingley
What is this foul old woman doing here? Miss Bingley tried to disengage the old crone's grip on her arm to no avail.
"There is no dancing, my lady," she protested through gritted teeth.
"Ah well, we shall have plenty of time to find seats with a good view, then. What think you, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle, will these do?"
Miss Bingley was directed to chairs in the bright sunshine. "I do not have a parasol or my bonnet, my lady, so shall not sit in the sun," she protested.
"Oh, does the sun bring on your light-headedness?" Lady Prudence peered up at her and suddenly shouted, "Daughter! Daughter! Attend me! Oh, where are you?"
Lady Harriet acknowledged her mother from the other side of the room and started to make her way to them.
"Harriet! Dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle is feeling light-headed again," Lady Prudence broadcast to the whole room. "Harriet! You must ask one of my distant nephews to ride, post-haste, to find the nearest physician. Not one of these country apothecaries, mind you, but a proper physician."
Gesturing at the other guests, Lady Prudence continued, "Are some of these women distant nieces? Bring one here to show dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle to her room while we await the physician. Do you think that we should send for that chap from London?"
"I am not feeling light-headed!" protested Miss Bingley.
Lady Prudence was rummaging in her reticule. "Let me see — I know that it is in here somewhere — "
Freed, Miss Bingley started to inch away, but stumbled into a chair.
"There!" cried the old woman, waving an unstoppered bottle under Miss Bingley's nose. "I am prepared, this time, and have brought my smelling salts with me. There is no cause to rely on these lazy servants."
Coughing, eyes streaming, Miss Bingley fell backwards into the chair and, blinking, found an old, wrinkled face close to her own.
"There, Harriet. Can you see how pale dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle looks?"
Miss Bingley felt fingers squash her nose from side to side.
"Look! Look! Are those wrinkles? Harriet, what do you think?"
I do not have wrinkles!
A second face appeared.
"You could well be right, Mother."
"I do not have wrinkles!" Miss Bingley spluttered
"Do you not, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle? Then why did you call for my smelling salts?"
"I did not call for your smelling salts!" Get away from me!
"Harriet," Lady Prudence looked thoughtful. "Do you think that dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle could be suffering from being too high?"
"Too high, Mother? What do you mean?"
"I have heard that some people do not fare well at the top of England. Perhaps dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle is one such person."
"It is hilly, but I had not realised that we were so very high up here," said Lady Harriet.
"I shall show you on young Darcy's map of England. You will see that London is low down and Derbyshire is high up. This is why people who suffer excessively from height holiday at Brighton."
Lady Harriet laughed and admitted to not knowing that.
"Darcy! Darcy! Attend me!" shouted Lady Prudence.
"Yes, aunt," shouted Darcy, in return.
"Bring me a map of England, would you? I must show Harriet that London is lower down than Derbyshire and that this is why dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle is feeling so light-headed."
Miss Bingley felt her face redden with embarrassment.
"Indeed," said Darcy, leaving the parlour to find a map.
"It is well that one of us is a bluestocking and knows about these matters." Lady Prudence continued, then stopped and looked confused. "Did you pack my blue stockings, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle?"
"I am not your maid!"
"I know, I know, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle," relied Lady Prudence, patting her hand in a condescendingly consolatory manner. "But did you bid my maid to pack them? That is a task for a lady's companion, is it not, Harriet?"
"I am not your companion!"
"Harriet! I am getting very muddled here. If dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle is not my companion, why is she here at Embersby?"
"Pemberley! We are at Pemberley!" Miss Bingley cried.
"Why are you here, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle?" Lady Prudence looked at her, blankly.
"I was invited with my sister and brother, my lady."
Lady Harriet spoke. "Is that so?" There was no humour in her tone.
She wanted to shout, It is none of your business! but replied, "I was invited by dearest Fitzwilliam!"
Almost every head turned in their direction.
Ah, they stare at the stupid old women.
"Which one? Which Fitzwilliam?" asked Lady Harriet, coldly.
"D-Darcy. Fitzwilliam Darcy."
"Ah, now I understand, daughter," nodded Lady Prudence. "Dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle has come intending to compromise young Darcy!" She winked dramatically at Miss Bingley. "How very exciting! Let us have a wager on who will compromise him first!"
"No! No!" protested Miss Bingley. No!
Lady Prudence straightened and addressed the whole room. "Distant nephews! Distant nieces! Attend me! I have challenged dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle to a race to compromise Darcy! Who would like to place bets or, indeed, join in?"
In horrified mortification, Miss Bingley watched as heads turned this way and that as the crowd noisily discussed each woman's chances.
A male voice called out, "We seem be evenly divided, Aunt, over which of you will succeed first. Should we not wait until the remainder of our family arrives on the morrow?"
"Very well, distant nephew; that is a good idea. Does that meet with your agreement, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle? It will be so much more fun with more ladies taking part!" She nudged Miss Bingley, "I still think that I shall be hard to beat!"
Finally free of the grasping claw, Miss Bingley fled elegantly and followed the sound of the pianoforte to the music room.
Lady Anne
"Georgie!" Lady Anne called to her daughter.
"Mamma?"
Georgiana was playing the piano in the music room. Miss Bingley was also there, sitting listening with deliberately fond attention.
"I should like you to help me to arrange the table for this evening's dinner."
"Yes, Mamma," replied Georgiana. Turning to the other woman, she begged her forgiveness for leaving her.
Miss Bingley said that she would assist them. "Having been to the finest finishing school, I know all about arranging an attractive table."
Lady Anne led them to her study. "I should like your help in determining who should sit where and to write and place the name cards."
"I shall write! I have lovely writing," Lady Prudence joined them.
"I should like Georgiana to write the cards, Aunt Prudence, but you are welcome to help her."
Georgiana and Lady Prudence sat next to each other at the mistress' desk.
"First, write lists of names — the men and the women."
"Something to try, distant niece, is to write the men's names in capital letters and the women's in lowercase."
"That is a good idea, Aunt," said Georgiana.
She wrote:
UNCLE DARCY, UNCLE HUGH, UNCLE RICHARD, ROBERT, RICHARD, JOHN, JAMES
and:
Aunt Prudence, Aunt Harriet, Charity, Aunt Eleanor, Leah, Mrs. Hurst, Miss Bingley, Me
"Then we cut up the lists of names and order them by rank," said Lady Prudence. She Georgiana did so and rearranged the names:
UNCLE HUGH, ROBERT, RICHARD, UNCLE RICHARD, JOHN, JAMES, UNCLE DARCY
"Oh, I forgot Mr. Hurst," cried Georgiana, hastily adding his name to the bottom of the men's list.
"And the women?" prompted Lady Anne.
Georgiana rearranged the women's names:
Aunt Prudence, Aunt Harriet, Aunt Eleanor, Charity, Leah, Mrs. Hurst, Me, Miss Bingley
"I think that Charity goes further down the list than Mrs. Hurst, Georgie," said Lady Anne.
"Above me, though, as the daughter of an earl?" Georgiana rearranged the list:
Aunt Prudence, Aunt Harriet, Aunt Eleanor, Leah, Mrs. Hurst, Charity, Me, Miss Bingley
Lady Anne could see that her unwanted guest was not looking pleased, but Lady Prudence was showing Georgiana what to do next.
"Then we take the names and arrange them around the table. Start by putting the highest ranked man to your mother's right, and the second to her left. Do the same with me and Harriet at your brother's end of the table." Lady Prudence turned to Miss Bingley, "Ha ha, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle. I shall be next to Darcy, ready to force him into a compromise!"
She turned back to continue instructing Georgiana. "Then put the next men on your list next to me and Harriet, and the next women on your list next to my distant sons." She indicated Matlock and Cromford.
Georgiana could see the pattern and put the remaining names in their places. To Lady Anne's right, she had:
UNCLE HUGH, Aunt Eleanor, JOHN, Me, MR HURST, Charity, UNCLE RICHARD, Aunt Harriet
and to her left:
ROBERT, Leah, JAMES, Miss Bingley, UNCLE DARCY, Louisa, RICHARD, Aunt Prudence
"How does that look?" asked Lady Anne as she leant over the desk. "Ah, we have Cousin John and Leah too close to each other, and Mr. and Mrs. Hurst too close."
"Should I swap John and Mr. Hurst, Mamma?"
"No, I think not," replied Lady Anne. "It is for but one meal. When the remainder of our guests arrive, tomorrow, we shall have to do this again." Hearing a tut and a sigh, she continued, "Miss Bingley, do you not agreed with our plan?"
"As I sat next to dear Darcy last evening, I assumed that that would be my place at the table."
"You and your sister did sit next to my son, but that was because you were the only two women dining with us. If you noticed, Mrs. Hurst sat on his right as married women outrank spinsters."
"I am not a spinster!"
"Are you not?"
"No, I am not!"
"A spinster is a woman out in society who is not yet wed," Lady Anne explained and then asked, as Miss Bingley narrowed her eyes in distaste, "Are you not out, or are you wed?"
"'Spinster' is a derogatory word for a woman left on the shelf!"
"You might use it as such, but I do not. Unless she is a widow remarrying, a woman's status on her wedding certificate is shown as a spinster; thus a spinster is an unmarried woman. When my daughter enters society, she will be a spinster and she is not making a fuss." Lady Anne was tiring of her uninvited guest.
"Why does Georgiana—?"
Lady Anne looked sharply at the interloper.
"Er, why does Miss Darcy outrank me?"
"Strictly, she does not. But as this is a family gathering, I am allowing all of the younger women to dine with us, even if they are not yet spinsters. As the daughter of a gentleman, she takes precedence over you."
"I think that it would be confusing to keep moving seats— "
"I shall have a tray sent to your room, then," Lady Anne said with asperity.
"No, no, that is not necessary."
"Do you believe that you outrank the titled ladies? The married women? The daughters of earls and gentlemen? No, Miss Bingley, yours is the lowest rank at the table and, I should like to say, as you arrived uninvited, you ought to accede to your hostess' desires."
"I did not arrive uninvited!"
"I distinctly remember addressing my letter to Mrs. Hurst, extending the invitation to her and her husband. I did not mention your name."
"It is implied!"
"No, you inferred the invitation!"
"Worry not, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle, I should have brought you here to Embersby, as I cannot do without you!" Lady Prudence stopped their conversation. "Now, when I have written these names neatly, you can help me to my rooms and look for my blue stockings."
Miss Bingley sniffed and excused herself.
"Is this why my cousins call you the Imp?" asked Georgiana, laughing while gathering up the cards.
"No, distant niece, it is short for my full name: Imprudence!"
Lady Anne shook her head but joined in their laughter. Taking the name cards to the dining room, she read Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Bishop, Pugh, Pugh, Judge and Really-Hurst; and Imp, Daughter, Distant Niece, Another Distant Niece, Yet Another Distant Niece, A Final Distant Niece, Mrs. Really-Hurst, Companion. She debated rewriting them, but placed them around the table.
It matters not where people sit this evening, after all!
Darcy
As they were chatting around the table during the meal, Darcy felt a hand on his leg. He gave Lady Prudence a teasing, admonishing look, took her hand and passed it back to her, asking, "Is this yours?"
"Ah, I wondered where that had got to!" She added, more loudly, "I see that I shall have to use wilier tricks than that to compromise you, young Darcy. Now, if I were ten years younger, before I was saddled with so many distant nieces and nephews, I might have used the balcony from the mistress' rooms to make my way into yours. Alas, I am not up to such endeavours anymore. I shall not lose heart; did not Queen Elizabeth herself say, 'faint heart never won fair laddy'?"
"I think that it was Drake to her majesty— " laughed Darcy.
"Very well, if you insist, young Darcy," she replied, patting his leg again.
At the end of the meal and after the ladies had left the table, Hurst shuffled along to sit next to his host. "I must tell you about our journey!"
"Indeed?"
"You will understand that we did not travel for long each day as Louisa was finding the carriage quite uncomfortable, so we stopped at more places than usual." Mr. Hurst took a sip of his port. "One of our stops was at Chatsworth, where I had hoped that Louisa could have a short break before we drove on to the inn. When we arrived there, Caroline swept in and ordered our trunks unloaded."
"At Chatsworth?"
"Yes! She had misremembered it and thought it was Pemberley!" Hurst's laughter gained the attention of all of the men at the table and he had to restart his tale.
"She began to order the housekeeper to summon you and chided her for such a poorly run household. The housekeeper was struck dumb under the onslaught. Another party arrived asking to see around the house, and Caroline dismissed them saying that visitors would no longer be welcome now that she had arrived to be the new mistress.
"Finally, a member of the family came down the stairs — I shall not say who — and ordered Caroline from the house. Then, taking one look at Louisa, invited her to sit and rest for a while, but Caroline was firmly ejected."
The men laughed and shook their heads at such behaviour.
"Chatsworth and Pemberley are quite different, are they not?" remarked James.
"Mmm, built from similar local stone, but different in style," replied Judge Darcy.
"Aye," agreed Richard. "Chatsworth has the long waterfalls, and Pemberley has the stream and woods."
Miss Bingley
Miss Bingley was determined to gain entry to Darcy's suites that night and hoped that the irritating footman would not be nearby. As before, she dressed provocatively and crept along the guest wing and along the family wing. Nearly at the door to Darcy's chambers, she could make out a figure before her. She heard a door handle being rattled and futile attempts to shove open the door.
Then, a loud voice said, "Darcy! Darcy! Open this door now! I am determined to beat dear Miss Lineley-Bingle!"
Miss Bingley shrank back into the darkness.
"Darcy! Dear Miss Lineley-Bingle is on my heels! Let me in, now!" Lady Prudence thumped on the door.
Doors opened along the corridor and faces peered out into the dark corridor.
"Aunt Prudence?"
"Georgiana," screeched Lady Prudence. "Tell your brother to open the door!" She moved closer to Georgiana and continued, "See dear Miss Lineley-Bingle is right behind me." She pointed at Miss Bingley's retreating back.
Furious, Miss Bingley fled inelegantly back to her own chambers.
Please don't copy!
There're only seven more chapters now, plus a very short epilogue. I'll stick the rest up here as I convert them from word + extra-added styles to plain text.
I've another on the go, which I'll be putting on AHA; I haven't worked out how to incorporate Lady Pru yet, so it won't be for a while 😏
Lady Prudence's map is here
view/MEBHG4R
I'm not sure if links are shown correctly, so here it is spelled out
wwwDOTimagebamDOTcomSLASHviewSLASHMEBHG4R