CW: Self-harm. Please be gentle with yourselves.

Chapter 15

Wanda had dozed off on James' shoulder by the time Sam and Steve came back. The sound of the door closing startled her awake. James was closing the worn novel he'd been reading.

"So." Steve said. "We need some better disguises I think."

They began to unload the bags and James and Wanda joined them at the kitchen counter to see. Along with the food, they'd bought several packages of dark brown hair dye. Wanda picked up a box and eyed it. It was a smart idea. The footage of herself in Lagos that continued to circle social media clearly showed her long red hair. If she cut it and dyed it brown it would be harder for anyone to recognize her. She thought of Nat again and wished she were here. Nat would know all of this stuff.

An hour later Steve was sitting on one of the kitchen chairs and Wanda was applying the dark dye to his hair with gloved hands. Sam was making some sort of soup called chili on the little portable electric burner. James was helping and impressing them all with how quickly and precisely he could chop vegetables. Wanda had loved the banter between Clint, Sam, and Scott, but Sam and James were a whole different level. They bickered like an old married couple. It made Steve tense. She could feel his worry radiating from him. But as much as James and Sam battled each other with smart ass remarks, their energy was mostly playful. Mostly.

"Alright Steve, wait fifteen minutes and then go rinse it out in the shower." Wanda instructed, pulling off her gloves. "Now who is going to cut my hair?"

"Edward Scissorhands, you're up." Sam nudged James who just looked at him blankly. Sam sighed. "It's a movie. Never mind. Go cut Wanda's hair."

Wanda sat in the chair Steve had vacated and waited as James fetched the sharp medical scissors that Shuri had sent with them.

"How short do you want it?" James asked, combing his non-metal fingers through her hair.

Wanda had to resist the urge to close her eyes and lean into his hand. "Maybe shoulder length?"

James nodded and set to work. Wanda watched the long strands fall to the floor and tried to push away the flashes of guards grabbing handfuls of her hair and jerking her around. One of the guards had really liked redheads and told her so often. She swallowed hard. Yes, different hair would be good.

"Done." James said.

She peered in a small mirror hanging by the door. It was nothing fancy, just neatly cut in a straight line at her shoulders, but she smiled. It looked different.

Wanda was almost done saturating her hair in the dye when Steve stepped out of the shower. She stared at him, wide eyed. He did look different with dark hair. He saw her staring and paused, looking self-conscious.

"It looks really good." Wanda assured him. "And you look very different."

Sam and James looked up too and Sam wolf-whistled at him. Steve flushed and Wanda couldn't help but grin. Steve was so adorably modest. Yet another difference between him and Pietro. Pietro had more self-confidence than anyone she'd ever met. "Si ješitný ako páv. [You are vain as a peacock.]" She used to tell him, rolling her eyes.

"I'm gonna grow my beard out." He said, stroking his chin where Wanda could see a faint stubble. "That should help too."

When Wanda emerged from the shower, toweling off her hair, the chili was ready. The three men looked up when she appeared, and she realized why Steve had felt self-conscious earlier. It was unnerving to have people judging your new appearance.

"Wow, with your hair dark like Steve's, you definitely look more like siblings." Sam said.

"It looks good, Wanda." Steve said warmly.

"Very good." James added with a crooked little smile.

Wanda felt her face heat up. "Thank you." She murmured.

The chili was good, rich and thick and slightly spicy. It made Wanda feel warm inside. They turned the tv back on and watched a local news report. Thankfully there was nothing about them or the Avengers. Wanda was starting to doze off on the couch when the tv turned off.

"So. Sleeping arrangements." Steve said, looking slightly awkward. "Wanda, would you want to share the bed with someone or sleep on the futon by yourself?"

Wanda blinked sleepily at him. "That's only three. Where's the last person going to sleep?"

"Well one of us can take the floor."

"Liar liar." Wanda murmured.

Steve looked startled. "What?"

"You told Beatrice that no one would sleep on the floor, remember?" She yawned widely.

"Oh." Steve flushed. "Well, the futon is pretty small. I don't think two of us will fit on it."

"I can sleep on the futon with someone. I'm much smaller than the rest of you." Wanda was having a hard time keeping her eyes open, but she couldn't help looking at James.

James, however, was looking at the floor.

"I often have nightmares." James said in a low voice. "I don't want to hurt anyone."

"Alright, well how about Steve and Wanda take the futon and me and Bucky take the bed. I promise I will hit you really hard if you try to hurt me." Sam grinned.

Wanda felt disappointment curl in her stomach, but she nodded along with the others. James checked the door and windows to make sure they were locked before following Sam into the bedroom. They left the door open and Wanda could hear them grumbling to each other about staying on their own sides of the bed.

"Wanda, are you sure you're ok with this?" Steve asked, sounding worried. "I really can sleep on the floor."

Wanda smiled fondly at him. She trusted Steve a lot. It surprised her how much she trusted him.

"I am ok with this, Steve. I promise." She said firmly.

They unfolded the futon and made the bed together. There were extra sheets and blankets and pillows in a closet. Wanda eyed the blankets anxiously. It's just a blanket. She told herself sternly. It's not the strait jacket. Just a blanket. Steve slid into the futon first, laying so close to the edge it looked like he was about to fall right off. Wanda steeled herself and slid into the bed next to him. Immediately the feeling of the blankets touching her body made her start to sweat. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to calm herself down. Your arms are free. You're ok. You're ok. But the pressure built in her chest until she couldn't take it any longer and suddenly kicked the blankets off in a panic. Next to her, Steve sat up.

"Wanda?" He asked softly. "What's wrong?"

Wanda lay on her back, gulping in air like she could finally breathe. "I'm sorry." She whispered, frustrated at herself. "The blankets just make me feel trapped."

Steve looked down at the blankets and then back at her. "Well what if we start slow and just put the blanket over your feet?"

Wanda nodded silently and he leaned down to pull the blankets just over their feet. That wasn't so bad. It seemed like it only made her panic when the blanket was up around her chest.

"Is that ok?" Steve asked.

"Yeah."

Steve laid back down and she felt horrible for making him lay on the bed with no blankets. The room wasn't as cold as it was outside, but it wasn't really warm enough to sleep with no blankets. She shivered. It was going to be a long, cold night. They lay there silently for several minutes as she wrapped her arms around herself and tried to stop shivering.

"Ok, I know you guys were joking last night, but seriously, Wanda, if you feel comfortable laying closer, I put out a lot of body heat. Super soldier side effect."

Wanda rolled to look at him and immediately felt the heat pouring off of him. Her cold fingers twitched.

"Are you sure?" She asked nervously.

"I'm sure." He said kindly.

They both scooted more into the middle of the bed. They started off laying on their backs with their shoulders pressed together. That was almost worse because one side of her was warm and toasty and everything else was still freezing. Eventually Wanda rolled onto her side, pressing her front against his side. Slowly Steve rolled over to face her. He seemed apprehensive, but Wanda just burrowed into his chest. He let out a small laugh and draped a gloriously warm arm across her ribs.

"Is this ok?" She asked quietly.

"Yeah. This doesn't make you feel trapped?"

"No." She mumbled into his shirt.

It was like sitting in front of a fire, the heat immediately soothed her. She was fairly certain that the warmth was the difference between the blankets and someone's arms. The straight jacket had been stiff and cold. Someone holding her was nothing like that. It was interesting how different it felt, being held by Steve and being held by James. With James it was like he made all of her nerves come alive in the best way. Steve was just warm comfort. There was no attraction singing in her blood. It felt much more like when she and Pietro would cuddle together for warmth during the winter nights on the streets. It was actually relieving in a way. She had worried if what she was feeling for James was just because he was the first person besides Clint to hold her and touch her. As though she were some sort of abandoned dog, starved for love. But wrapped up in Steve's arms, she felt comfortable and safe in the most platonic way.

"Thank you, Steve." She murmured sleepily.

"You're welcome. You know we slept like this a lot during the war, me and Bucky. When it was freezing cold in the mountains, we'd pair off in twos and share a tent to stay warm."

"Hmmmm." Wanda was half asleep, but it was nice listening to Steve talk.

"No one ever wanted to sleep next to Dum Dum cause he snored so loud. I don't know how the Germans never found us. And sleeping next to Jim was always a risk cause you never knew if you were gonna find your sleeping bag full of snow or wake up and be missing your boots. But everyone knew that Bucky and I were always gonna be together. I think they thought we were together sometimes." He chuckled softly. "But they never treated us different cause of it. War changed things. We all knew that we could die at any moment, so people were more willing to take the risk and love who they loved. It was kinda beautiful in a way. One time we had leave and-"

Wanda was asleep before he could finish the story.

Steve turned and his heart stopped at the sight of the double barreled gun shining with that deadly blue light.

"Get down!" He screamed to Bucky, shoving him behind the shield.

The force of the blast sent him flying, his head cracking hard against the metal train wall. He groaned, willing his vision to clear, struggling to get up. Get up!

Blurrily he saw Bucky pick up the shield. Saw him advance, firing his pistol. He heard the whine of the gun about to fire. GET UP! He wasn't fast enough. The blast hit the shield and Bucky flew backwards and out the jagged hole in the side of the train.

Everything stopped.

No.

NO.

He moved on autopilot, grabbing his shield and flinging it at the Hydra soldier as hard as he could. He didn't even wait to make sure it connected before he was running to the hole, his heart pounding so fast in his chest.

"Bucky!" He screamed, relief and terror surging as he saw him clinging to a metal bar.

He started climbing out onto the flapping piece of metal that used to be the side of the train. All he could see was Bucky's face, his eyes wide with fear.

"Hang on!"

He was almost there. He was so close. He was gasping for breath, panic seizing in his chest. He was almost there.

"Grab my hand!"

It was like it happened in slow motion. Bucky reached for him. The metal bar ripped free and Bucky fell, his face a mask of shock and horror. The sound of his scream quickly grew fainter as he disappeared from view and the silence was even worse. Steve was screaming, his hand uselessly grasping for where Bucky had been just a moment ago.

"No! NO!"

A warm hand grasped his and he jerked awake. The darkness confused him momentarily as he fought to breathe. Bucky.

"-all right. Steve. It's just a dream. It's just a dream."

A soft voice was saying next to his ear. The warm hand squeezed his gently and an arm wrapped around his shuddering back.

"Bucky is safe. He's just in the next room."

Wanda laced her fingers through his trembling ones and ran her fingers in comforting circles on his back. He leaned into her, trying to get a hold of himself.

"Steve." Wanda said and her voice was so gentle. "It's ok. It's ok to let it out."

Steve opened his mouth to tell her she'd been spending too much time with Sam, but what came out was a silent sob. He'd learned how to cry silently long before the serum and the army. Once Ma got sick with tuberculosis, he didn't want her to worry about him. So he had learned to save his tears for nighttime where he could sob silently into his pillow without making her see his pain. It had come in handy when they were hiding in the woods from Germans and Hydra and the horrors of war were too much to keep inside. It had been helpful after he woke up from the ice when that empty hole in his chest felt like it might swallow him whole but he was being watched by SHIELD every waking moment.

Wanda hummed softly under her breath as she sat next to him, still rubbing his back. A part of him was reprimanding himself for being selfish and weak, but it was currently being overridden with the force of years, maybe decades, of pushing everything down.

"I'm sorry." He whispered hoarsely once he'd managed to speak.

"Steve." She said sternly, but gently. "You don't have to be sorry. You're not Captain America here. You're Steve Rogers, our friend, and you can lean on us when you need to."

"I'm not sure I remember how to just be Steve Rogers." He confessed.

"I don't know how to be just Wanda." She said quietly. "I would imagine James is having a hard time with this as well. We're all figuring it out together."

"I thought when I got the serum, I'd finally be able to stop letting people down." He rested his head in his hands, unsure why these words were spilling out of his mouth. "Turns out not even the serum was strong enough for that."

"Who have you let down?" Her voice was soft.

"Bucky." He said immediately, shuddering at the memory of his nightmare. "You. Clint and Nat and Scott. Sam. I pulled all of you into this mess and I almost killed one of the people I…"

He clenched his jaw, remembering the betrayal and pain in Tony's face as he slammed his shield into the arc reactor.

"Steve, you can't be responsible for everyone and everything."

Steve smiled bitterly. He opened his mouth to argue but a quiet shadow spoke from the doorway.

"Been trying to pound that into his head since we were kids."

Wanda and Steve both jumped and looked up as Bucky stepped into the dim blue light of the digital alarm clock. Steve smiled slightly, watching Bucky take a seat on the bed next to him. Even after all these months it still seemed impossible that he was here. That he was sitting next to him, so achingly familiar and different all at once.

"I shoulda gone back for you." Steve said, the words practically bursting out of him. They hadn't talked about that moment on the train yet. They'd been busy trying to find Zemo and then devising a prison break plan and then dealing with everything that had happened since. "I shoulda fought harder to find your body. Hell I shoulda just gone with or without permission."

"You were in the middle of a war, Steve."

Steve found himself studying Bucky's face. He would have expected him to have an exasperated expression like when he would find Steve bleeding and nearly unconscious in an alleyway...again, but now his expressions were more closed off. He was harder to read.

"I still shoulda gone."

"That what your nightmare was about?" Bucky asked in a low voice.

"Yeah." Steve said, feeling weary down to his bones. "They're almost always about the train."

Bucky frowned slightly, his eyes on his hands. "I just remember pieces." He said. "But I don't blame you for not looking. That fall should have killed me."

He didn't say I wish it had but the unspoken sentiment still hung in the air between them, thick and heavy.

"I'm glad it didn't."

Steve and Bucky both looked at Wanda. She was still sitting quietly beside him, her arms wrapped around her body like she was trying to keep herself warm. Her face flushed slightly but didn't look away. Steve glanced at Bucky and noted the small spark that had come to life in his dark eyes.

"A lota people would still be alive if I'd died in that canyon." Bucky said roughly.

Wanda's eyes flashed. "Hydra would have found other ways to kill them, James. You aren't the only talented assassin in the world."

"She's right, pal. You should listen to her." Steve added.

Bucky, to Steve's surprise, grinned a familiar crooked smile. "I'm not sure if that should make me feel better or offended."

Wanda smiled back and Steve felt slightly awestruck by the warmth in it. He had seen her smile, had noted how it never seemed to reach her eyes. This was not that smile.

"A little of both." Wanda said airily, but then she shivered.

Bucky's gaze narrowed on that shiver before turning his glare on Steve.

"You're doing a shit job of keeping her warm, Rogers."

Steve gaped at him, momentarily lost for words. "I was doing just fine before-"

"James, go back to bed." Wanda interrupted sternly, her face pink, but her eyes were laughing.

"Yes ma'am." Bucky grinned cheekily before vanishing back into the shadows.

Steve lay back down, opening his arms for Wanda. She made a small sound of relief and burrowed into him again. He smiled into the darkness. He'd always been so jealous of Bucky with his little siblings. It was like a physical pain watching the way they would come running with squeals of delight to greet him after school. He asked his Ma if he could have a sibling when he was a kid, before he understood where babies came from. She'd burst into tears. Later when she'd calmed down, she explained how she couldn't give him a baby brother or sister because his Pa had died in the war. It took two people to make a baby, she'd said. So he buried that wish deep inside. Maybe that was why it had been easy to step into the role of Wanda's big brother. He'd been surprised and honored when he overheard her tell Beatrice she was his sister. He knew Pietro had been her world, and her letting him into that role, even for a short time, well it meant something to him.

Her shivers had finally eased, but he could tell she was still awake.

"He's more like himself around you" He said quietly, mindful that Bucky could probably hear him.

He felt Wanda still. "What do you mean?" She whispered.

"Lighter." He murmured, unsure of how to put it into words. "More alive."

Wanda was quiet for a long time and Steve thought maybe she'd fallen asleep.

"That's how I feel too."

They'd planned on leaving the next day, but at breakfast (this was a bed and breakfast after all) after exclaiming about Steve and Wanda's new hair, Beatrice had given Steve a laundry list of various house projects she needed help with and offered to let them stay a few nights for free if they helped her out. They'd had a team meeting about it back in their room, trying to figure out if it was a trap. James had reminded them that they should stay alert. With a Hydra base so close to the town it was a reasonable assumption that there could be Hydra plants living in the town. Steve had scoffed at the idea of Beatrice being a Hydra agent, but in the end they asked Wanda to scan her just to be sure.

So while Beatrice showed Steve and Sam and James which pieces of siding needed to be replaced on the house, Wanda had quickly slipped into her mind. Using her powers made her feel clammy and shaky, so she tried to get it over with as quickly as possible. She tried not to poke around in places that seemed private. Beatrice had lost her husband several years ago, and the grief still lingered. They'd had a daughter, who had also died. The grief there was so sharp and potent that Wanda steered clear. Beatrice was lonely. She liked having people around, and she really did need help with the larger house projects. She'd been planning to hire contractors, but the cost was going to be enormous. Wanda didn't find any hint of Hydra and was extremely relieved to flash the all clear sign to Steve. It took her an hour to stop feeling nauseous and for her hands to stop shaking.

The siding project took all day. James cut the wood to size, Sam and Steve nailed the new pieces to the house, and Wanda painted the new siding the same bright yellow as the rest of the house. Steve and James had to make a conscious effort not to look too strong. By afternoon Sam and Wanda were sweating and breathing hard, while James and Steve hadn't even broken a sweat. Sam muttered a lot of things that sounded like various insults to "goddamn supersoldiers."

Wanda was exhausted by nightfall, barely managing to eat her leftover chili before crawling into bed. Steve pulled the blankets up to their knees, and it was actually ok. She slept so hard she didn't even dream.

The next day, Steve and James were in the basement replacing some plumbing pipes and Sam and Wanda helped Beatrice make a huge meal of roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, roasted vegetables, and homemade bread.

"C'est à mon tour d'apporter de la nourriture à l'église pour les moins fortunés. [It's my turn to bring food to the church for the less fortunate.]." Beatrice had explained, up to her elbows in bread dough.

Wanda liked helping Beatrice in the kitchen. She hadn't had much experience cooking before, and the elderly woman seemed absolutely delighted to teach her. Plus it was very amusing when Beatrice and Sam got into arguments about how things should be cooked, which was often. They had to make two different pies. One the way Sam's mother would make it and one Beatrice's way.

"Nous allons voter. [We will vote.]" Sam had said solemnly like he was summoning the elderly woman to a duel.

"Nous le ferons en effet. [We will indeed.]" Beatrice had huffed.

Steve and James were still working on the pipes, and swearing colorfully, when the food was ready so Sam and Wanda helped Beatrice deliver it. The walk to the church was nice. The late afternoon sun was warm on their faces and the air was nice and crisp. Beatrice told them all about the village as they walked, pointing out various landmarks with her cane. When they reached the church a middle aged portly man in black robes with a white collar stood waiting at the door.

" Bonjour Madame Côté. Je vois que vous avez amené des aides. [Hello Mrs Côté. I see you've brought some helpers.] He said, looking surprised.

"Bonjour Père Gauthier. Voici Thomas et Hana. Ils sont logés à l'hôtel. [Hello Father Gauthier. This is Thomas an Hana. They are staying at the hotel.]" Beatrice said briskly, waving him aside with her cane.

Father Gauthier quickly jumped out of the way of the cane. "Vous savez que nous serions ravis de vous voir au service de dimanche. [You know we'd love to see you at the Sunday Service.]"

"Comme je l'ai déjà dit, si votre dieu montre son visage, je le ferai aussi. [Like I said before, if your god shows his face, so will I.]" The old woman said sharply.

Sam let out a sound that was definitely a laugh poorly covered by a cough. Wanda tipped her head forward to hide her smile behind her dark fringe of hair. Father Gauthier was protesting weakly, but Beatrice sailed regally by him like some sort of royalty (or perhaps deity) bearing homemade bread. Wanda and Sam placed the food where Beatrice instructed and then followed as she turned on her heel and marched back out. Father Gauthier trailed meekly behind.

"Passe une bonne journée. [Have a nice day.]" Father Gauthier said as they reached the door.

Beatrice made a noise that sounded like "harumph" and made her way down the stairs far more nimbly than Wanda would have expected. Sam tried to offer her his elbow, but she firmly declined. As they walked back to the hotel, Sam and Wanda exchanged puzzled yet amused looks over Beatrice's head.

"Il semble donc que vous n'êtes pas une personne qui va à l'église? [So it looks like you're not a church goer?]" Sam said carefully.

"Non. J'ai bien mieux à faire de mon temps que d'écouter un vieil homme parler d'un vieux livre. [No. I have better things to do with my time than listen to an old man talk about an old book.]" Beatrice said scornfully.

"Oui. Nous avons un vote à prendre sur la tarte. [Yes. We have a vote to take on the pie.]" Wanda said cheerfully.

"Si vous pouvez même appeler cette tarte. Il y a assez de sucre là-dedans pour faire pourrir toutes vos dents. [If you can even call that pie. There's enough sugar in there to rot all your teeth.]" Beatrice sniffed, but she was smiling.

Beatrice won the Best Pie vote and pretended not to care, but she hummed cheerfully for the rest of the evening.

In the middle of the night, Wanda and Steve woke up to a crash and Sam swearing furiously.

Steve was gone in an instant. Wanda stumbled after him, still half asleep. The light flicked on to reveal James in the corner of the room, his back up against the wall, fists clenched and teeth bared. Sam was on the other side of the room, holding his nose, which was bleeding profusely.

"Wanda, can you do that dome thing again?" Steve asked quietly.

Wanda froze. It felt like all of her muscles had seized up. Her neck felt like it was burning. Like the warning before the collar would go off.

It's not real. It's not real.

"Wanda?" Steve wasn't looking at her, keeping his eyes fixed on James.

Wanda tried to open her mouth to respond but her jaw was clenched shut. Her hands started to shake. She felt like she was being held prisoner by her own body. She wanted to help, but her entire body was focused on bracing for the pain of the collar.

"I think we're on our own, man." Sam said, edging towards Wanda.

"Shit." Steve muttered, then louder he said "Buck? Can you hear me?"

James locked eyes with Steve and snarled.

"Bucky. You're safe. You're free from Hydra." Steve started taking careful slow steps towards him.

"Wanda, come over here." Sam reached for her arm.

James moved faster than she could see. One minute he was in the corner and the next he was right in front of her. He shoved Sam away from her, so hard that Sam crashed right through the closet doors, splintering the wood, and grabbed Wanda around the waist. Wanda barely had time to let out a startled squeak before they were outside. It was cold. Wanda could see a frost on the grass, gleaming in the dim light. James had shifted so that he had one arm under her knees and one around her back and was making a beeline for the woods. Wanda clung to his neck, her heart in her throat.

"James!" She yelped.

They hit the trees. James ducked under most of the branches, but one caught Wanda across the cheek like a whip. The pain stung, but finally cleared her head a little.

"James!" She said fiercely. "Stop. Put me down."

James came to a stop and stood frozen, listening, his eyes scanning the darkness.

"Ja-" Wanda tried, but he made a sharp sound through his teeth that silenced her.

They stood in the darkness for several minutes, silently listening. Wanda couldn't hear anything, but her skin was beginning to crawl from the pressing darkness that surrounded them. She had no idea how far into the woods James had taken them. Neither of them had shoes on and she was shivering in her oversized sweatshirt and leggings she wore to bed. He was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, but he didn't seem cold.

Finally, he turned his head to look down at her, and she could tell from his eyes that he was not himself yet.

"Are you hurt?" He asked in a low gravelly voice.

"No." She said cautiously.

He set her on her feet suddenly and jebať the ground was cold on her bare feet. He had her face in his hands and turned her head to see her cheek.

"You're bleeding." He sounded angry.

"It's just a scratch." Wanda said. "I promise I'm ok."

He turned her head back to face him, but kept both hands on the sides of her face. He stared into her eyes and she stared back. He was still the Soldat, and she had no idea what to expect.

"Wanda." He said in a voice that was almost a growl and then he was kissing her.

Her stomach flipped over itself and she let out a little gasp as his lips crashed into hers. He kissed her like he was starving, like he was desperate. Wanda was frozen with shock for all of half a second before she was kissing him back just as fiercely. He let go of her face to reach around and grab her ass and haul her up into his arms. She wrapped her legs around his waist, pressing their bodies closer together, her hands winding around his neck and heat flaring through her like fire. The kiss was full of tongue and teeth and hunger and she just wanted more.

Then just as suddenly he was gone. She stumbled on her bare feet, caught off balance and stared at where he stood several paces away. He looked wild, eyes blown wide.

"Shit. Wanda." He gasped.

"James, it's alright." Wanda tried to reassure him, slightly breathless and her mind spinning.

"What just happened?" He sounded horrified, and it made Wanda feel sick.

"You had a flashback." She tried to sound calm, but her voice shook. "You didn't hurt me."

"Didn't I?" He all but snarled.

"No." She said more sternly. "You didn't."

He looked at her like she'd lost her mind. "I dragged you out here and kissed you."

She tilted her chin up stubbornly. "I kissed you back. You didn't force me."

"Wanda." His voice broke.

He looked away from her, out into the dark woods. Wanda's bare feet were beginning to burn with cold. She shifted, trying to rest one foot on top of the other for warmth. James looked sharply at her feet and swore in Russian. He moved towards her, avoiding her eyes, and held out his arms.

"C'mon, I'll take you back."

Wanda wrapped her arms around his neck and he woodenly picked her and started walking. She rested her cheek against his chest and fought back tears. Everything about him was closed off now. He had put up a wall, and it hurt.

"James, please." She whispered, unsure of how to fix this. "I wanted to kiss you. I've wanted to for a while. You didn't force me."

He made a pained sound. "This isn't how-" He broke off, swearing under his breath in multiple languages.

"Don't push me away." She pleaded.

"Wanda, I'm not safe." He growled. "I can't even protect you from myself."

"I can protect myself." She wiggled fiercely in his arms. "Put me down."

He set her down immediately and tried to step back, but Wanda followed, cupping his face in her hands. He turned to stone under her hands, his eyes dark and haunted. Slowly, so slowly, and watching carefully to see if he wanted to pull away, she leaned forward and pressed her lips softly against his. She kept the kiss soft and sweet and short. His lips were slack and yielding, but he didn't really respond. She pulled back, smoothing his hair out of his face, desperately searching his eyes. He looked miserable.

"Do you trust me?" She asked softly.

His eyes narrowed slightly, but he nodded.

"Then trust that I wanted this." She blinked fiercely, determined not to cry. "I mean, maybe not being whisked out into the middle of the woods with no shoes, but the kiss? I wanted that."

He didn't smile like she'd hoped and she felt her heart sink.

"Let me take you back before you freeze." He said quietly, bending down to sweep an arm under her knees again and lift her up. "We need to make sure I didn't hurt Sam too badly."

He didn't speak for the rest of the walk. Halfway there, they met Steve searching for them. When he saw them, he broke into a run.

"Buck! Wanda! Are you ok?"

James silently handed Wanda off to Steve, who took her with a confused expression.

"We're fine." Wanda tried to sound normal but she wasn't sure she succeeded by the look Steve gave her.

"How's Sam?" James asked dully.

"He's got some bruises and scrapes, and we owe Beatrice a new closet door, but he's ok, Buck." Steve said gently.

James nodded slightly, a muscle jumping in his jaw, and started walking again. Steve hesitated for a moment and then followed. Wanda rested her head on Steve's chest and stared at the back of James' head. She could feel the questions that were practically bursting from Steve, but he kept quiet. The exterior door to their room was swinging open, a huge chunk of the door frame was missing where James had wrenched the locked deadbolt straight through the wood.

"Guess we got a few more projects on our list." Steve said carefully.

They filed inside and Sam stuck his head out from the bathroom, the relief clear on his face when he saw them. His nose was no longer bleeding, but he had several long scrapes on his neck and shoulders. Steve set Wanda down and pulled the coffee table in front of the door to keep it closed.

"You guys ok?" Sam asked, his eyes as sharp as his code name.

James sat heavily on one of the kitchen chairs and silently examined his feet. Wanda winced at the blood smeared across the bottom of his feet. He must have cut them up running barefoot through the woods.

"You want help, Buck?" Steve asked.

"No." James said shortly.

Steve and Sam shared a look and then both turned their gaze to Wanda. She stood awkwardly under their gaze, unsure of what to say.

"I'm fine." She eventually said and was pleased that her voice came out mostly steady. "But I think I will get in the shower to warm up."

Sam nodded, grabbing the first aid kit out of the bathroom and setting it on the table beside James. Steve and Sam both sat on the edge of the futon, watching as James mechanically cleaned out the cuts in his feet with rubbing alcohol. Wanda could feel the questions they were holding back, like they were waiting for her to leave the room. She swallowed hard and grabbed her towel, disappearing into the bathroom.

She turned the water on as hot as she could stand and stood directly under the spray, trying to drown out their voices. She couldn't really hear words, but it sounded like they were arguing. She wrapped her arms around her body, letting the hot mess of emotions spill out in silent tears.

Hlúpa.

The razor blade cut a little deeper this time. Wanda watched the bloody water trickling down her leg, feeling numb. It usually didn't bleed this much. She turned the water off and took her time towel drying her hair, but even when she was done it was still dripping slowly down her leg.

Hovno.

She took her damp towel and wrapped it around her leg, pressing firmly against the wound. James still had the first aid kit out in the kitchen, so she couldn't even bandage it. She bit back a groan, cursing inwardly. After a few minutes she peeled back the towel. The beige towel was soaked red where she'd pressed it against the wound, but it looked like the blood was beginning to clot. She pressed it back on, trying to remember how to get blood out of fabric. Her head swam a little. She was so tired, and it felt like all the warmth of the shower was evaporating from her body as she sat on the cold toilet seat in just her underwear and sweatshirt. A soft knock on the door nearly made her leap out of her skin.

"Wanda? You ok?" Sam's voice called.

"Be right out." She called, her heart pounding.

She peeled the towel back off and was relieved to see that the bleeding looked like it had stopped. She tried to rinse the towel out in the sink and most of the blood came out, but there was still a dark stain. She swore some more under her breath and finally settled for wadding the towel up and shoving it under the sink behind some cleaning supplies. She'd have to deal with it later. She pulled her leggings back on and winced as she noticed the cut had started bleeding a little again with her movement. At least the leggings were black, so a little blood shouldn't show. She'd just have to move a little carefully. Finally, she gathered up her stuff, took a deep breath, and left the bathroom.

All three men looked up as she returned. James was still sitting in the kitchen chair, his feet wrapped in gauze. Sam and Steve were perched on the edge of the futon.

"Sorry." She said, trying to force her voice to sound nonchalant. "I didn't mean to keep you waiting."

James' eyes narrowed suspiciously on her face, and she busied herself with putting her toiletries away so she didn't have to make eye contact.

"It's ok." Steve said gently. "Bucky told us what happened."

Wanda felt her face flush and wished she was anywhere else.

"Can we talk about it in the morning?" She interjected quickly, not looking at any of them. "I'm really tired."

There was a weighty pause, but finally Steve responded. "Sure. It's late. Let's all get some sleep."

She sensed Sam and James get up and head to the bedroom. James moved slower than normal, like he was trying to catch her eye, but she kept her gaze stubbornly on the floor. After they both disappeared into the room, she finally looked up to see Steve watching her closely. She gave him a smile that she hoped conveyed that she was just fine, simply tired and climbed into her side of the futon. Steve flicked off the light and climbed in next to her, opening up his arms as was their new routine. This time Wanda rolled so her back was to his front. Facing him felt too much right now. He paused, but slowly closed his warm arms around her.

"Wanda," Steve said softly, his warm breath tickling the top of her head. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, Steve." She lied. "Just tired."

James lay awake for a long time, staring at the ceiling.

You really fucked this up, pal.

Yah no kidding.

When he finally slept, he dreamt of Wanda's lips, the curve of her waist in his hands, the way she smelled like something pleasantly floral, the feel of her skin against his. He jerked awake in the morning feeling more frustrated than he had the night before. Sam was still asleep and snoring lightly.

"I kissed her." He'd told Sam and Steve while Wanda showered.

"Oh." Steve said slowly.

"You what?" Sam growled.

"As the Soldier." He added, relishing in the pain of the rubbing alcohol in the cuts on his feet.

"Did you force her?" Sam was on his feet now, looking furious.

"She said I didn't." He said, making his disbelief clear in his tone.

"So she kissed you back?" Steve asked steadily as Sam started pacing around the small room.

James swallowed, trying to push the image of Wanda's swollen lips out of his mind. "Yah."

He could feel their eyes boring into his skull. He kept working on his feet, afraid of seeing the disapproval and disappointment on their faces.

"Then what happened?" Sam snapped, sounding impatient. "Why did she look so upset?"

"I came to, realized what I was doin, and obviously stopped. She kept saying she wanted this, but…" He swore in Russian.

"So you kissed her, she kissed you back, and then you pushed her away." Sam said angrily. "You're right, I have no idea why she could be upset about that." His voice was thick with sarcasm.

James finally looked up, anger burning in his gut. Sam was standing, arms crossed, and glaring at him. Steve was still sitting, but he had his Captain America face on, like he was making battle plans in his head.

"I didn't want to kiss her as the Soldier." James said, low and angry. "I wanted to kiss her as myself."

"What's the difference, man?" Sam growled. "You're in charge of the Soldier now. Nobody is giving you orders. So if you made the choice and she also made the choice, what is the problem?"

"I don't want-" James practically shouted before forcing himself to stop. He swore in Russian again, a string of curses under his breath.

"Sam's right." Steve finally said quietly. "Maybe the Soldier and you aren't so different anymore now that Hydra isn't wiping you and giving you orders. Maybe we've been going about this all wrong, trying to separate you and the Soldier."

James glared at him in disbelief. "Did you forget that I have fucking trigger words in my head that can turn me into a weapon at any moment? All someone has to do is say the goddamn words and I'd kill all of you if they told me to do it."

James jerked out of his thoughts when Steve came barreling into the room looking panicked. Beside him Sam sat up, startled.

"Wanda's gone!"