Chapter 35: It's All Coming Together. And Apart.
Haruhi expected to wake up tied to a chair in a dank, poorly lit basement. Instead, when she came to, she was lying on a bed, a somewhat comfortable one, and wasn't bound at all. The room she was in appeared to be a normal, if spartan, bedroom, with rustic looking wooden furniture and a high window with simple curtains that let in the late afternoon sun.
"So. You are awake at last."
Looking around, Haruhi found a petite blonde woman in a maintenance workers uniform sitting on a chair against the far wall, a gun in her lap as she regarded Haruhi.
"Couldn't you guys wait to kidnap me until AFTER I talked with my parents!?" Haruhi demanded in irate tones, sitting up on the bed.
The woman snorted. "Parents. Do not lie to me, Being X. I recognize this form now."
"Uh, who? I think you got the wrong person, lady, I'm-"
Haruhi cut herself off as the stranger casually raised her weapon and pointed it right at Haruhi's head. "Do not banter with me. I have killed you before. I can kill you again."
"Killed me before?! Look, lady, I don't know who you are, but I've definitely never died before! Look, this has to be some mistake! I'm not-"
Haruhi cut herself off. She'd been about to say she was nothing special, but recent events had disabused her of that nation.
"Not Being X? Do not lie to me. You very nearly destroyed this world with your foolishness, just as you nearly destroy everything you touch," the woman snarled. "What, did this world not adore you sufficiently either? Does the proliferation of atheists bother you so much? That once Men attain a certain level of enlightenment, they abandon capricious beings such as yourself?"
Haruhi folded her arms over her chest and leaned back against the headboard. "Look, lady, if it makes you feel any better, I didn't really believe in god until a couple days ago myself. Though i was open to the existence of aliens, espers, time travelers, and sliders."
The woman frowned, her gun shifting slightly off to the side. "Almost, I could believe it was not you, Being X. Still, will you not demand that I worship you?"
"That uh, that would be really creepy, lady. Um, also, what's your name? I assume you know who I am? You didn't mean to kidnap, I dunno, Yui Sato or something?" Haruhi demanded.
"You do not desire worship?" the woman demanded, sliding off her chair so that her feet rested on the ground. She was really short, though she looked like a foreigner, she was actually shorter than most Japanese women. "That is…unusual. Do you not know who I am?"
"Honestly? No. But your uniform says 'Y. Sato' so I was just guessing, but I also figure that's not your real name because you don't look Japanese," Haruhi said with a shrug.
For some reason, that made the woman far angrier than her earlier comments, and the stranger stalked forward, sticking the gun right in Haruhi's face and making her lean back. "That is thanks to you! I once had a proper Japanese name, and I was once a man!"
"Oh…um, I…I did do that…I'm…sorry. I didn't mean to! It…it was a mistake! Most people got changed back, but…but maybe I can turn you back? I, um, I don't really understand how I do this…but…I'll make it right! Somehow! I can talk to Aqua, she's more experienced, maybe she knows!" Haruhi babbled, sweat breaking out on her forehead as she leaned away from the weapon.
The stranger sighed, lowering the gun suddenly and taking two quick steps back. "It is because of your…relation…to Aqua that I have not killed you. Though knowing her, any request for her aid will only make the situation more confusing."
"Yeah, but…I don't want you to be stuck as a woman. That…that would be cruel," Haruhi said, fidgeting.
The woman suddenly blushed and looked away. "I…prefer this form, now. It is…more familiar. And…Visha prefers it."
"Oh. Um…so why are you mad again?" Haruhi asked, confused. "Because I did change everyone back, I think…and it was an accident! I won't do it again!"
"Wrong!" the stranger spat, her eyes glowing with blue malice. "You always meddle, Being X, always-"
"Ok, I don't know who this 'Being X' is, but I'm Suzumiya! Haruhi Suzumiya! Don't just call me Being X!" Haruhi protested.
"Would you prefer I call you Lord? Or kami? Or God?" the stranger sneered.
"I'd prefer you not call me Late For Dinner, but you can call me Suzumiya since I don't think we're that close," Haruhi sniffed.
The estranged blinked at her for a moment. "Was that…an attempt at humor?"
"Ugh, yes, sorry, it's something my dad says. Kazuma? You know him?"
"Your father is…Kazuma?" the woman asked slowly.
"I don't know!" Haruhi wailed, throwing her hands up in the air. "But I'm starting to think my parents are some sort of weird time travelers and that they're somehow Kazuma and Aqua! I mean, my dad is named Kazuma, but that's not really a rare name! I just don't get how Aqua went blonde and changed her name to Thalia and why they're called the Suzumiya's now but I think that's actually what happened and ohgod that's so WEIRD! Is this my fault?! I think it's my fault! I sort of want to stop but…but if I do that will I stop existing?! I mean, my dad made me watch Back to the Future with him, what if it was a warning or something!?"
Haruhi flopped on the bed, panting and fighting back tears. She sniffed and scrubbed her face a bit, then forced herself to sit up and smile. "Hi, I'm Haruhi Suzumiya, I have issues. Are you sure you want to kidnap me?"
"You are certainly my target," the stranger murmured. Then she shook her head. "You may call me…Tanya. It is…who I am, now."
"Super. So, like, did you kidnap me because you think I'm god or something? Because honestly, I'm not sure at this point and I sort of want things to go back to what I thought was normal," Haruhi asked.
"Yes. That is exactly why, Being X," Tanya said coldly. She eyed Haruhi, then suddenly, the gun snapped up, and there was a loud click.
Haruhi screamed and tumbled off the bed, covering her head. Then she looked up at Tanya, who was frowning as she worked the action of the gun. Apparently, it had jammed or something.
Snarling, Haruhi shot forward, trying to grab the gun or stop herself from getting shot. It had apparently misfired, and this was her chance to-
Tanya's booted foot connected with Haruhi's forehead and knocked her senseless. She lay, dazed, as Tanya cleared the jam, then pointed the gun at Haruhi's head. Before she could move, Tanya fired again. This time there was a deafening bang, and Haruhi was certain she was dead. Only, there was a spray of wood and plaster, as the bullet somehow missed her at point blank range, and impacted the floor by her head instead.
"As I thought. You will not be so easily killed," Tanya muttered. "It was the same last time."
"I…I'd prefer you not kill me," Haruhi stammered, slowly heaving herself up. "Please?"
Tanya snorted and shook her head. "Absolutely not. I consider myself to be a devoted atheist. So long as one god exists, I shall slay it."
With that, the other woman left, closing the door behind her. Haruhi sat on the floor, shivering and more than a little traumatized. What was she going to do?
Softly, to herself, Haruhi started to hum.
Darkness sat at a table where her dearest friend looked at herself, and wondered if, perhaps, there was such a thing as too much pain.
For her, it was a rather disturbing thought.
"Stop telling me you can't say anything!" Aqua ranted.
Thalia shrugged. "I can't, literally. Well, I mean, I can tell you about Haruhi growing up! I have some of her baby pictures here; she's very cute!"
Mentally, Darkness thanked Eris that one of her friends had changed her name, even if the reasons were mysterious.
"But why not! Why would I ever choose to be mortal?!" Aqua demanded.
"Well, I don't think I can answer that," Thalia said, wrinkling her nose. "But…didn't I have fun with Darkness? It was fun, wasn't it, Darkness?"
Darkness sighed and poured herself more of the cheap champagne they'd bought. "For myself, I did enjoy our time Adventuring together, and what I then thought was your death saddened me. More than you can know."
"Well, I never died! I just came here with Kazuma, because going back to heaven would be super boring," Aqua declared.
Thalia smiled at her and nodded. "That's a lot like what I did."
"Wait…are you saying I stopped being a goddess because it was boring!? That's dumb! What about my dear followers?! I couldn't just abandon them!" Aqua declared, then polished off her own glass of champagne.
"Um, I wouldn't abandon my followers either," Thalia said slowly. Then she smiled. "Oh! I can say that! Yes, makes sense, doesn't it? No one likes to be bored, and Kazuma is my Bestest Bud. I could never abandon him. Ever."
"He can be a jerk sometimes," Aqua grumbled. "But…I can't imagine what it would be like if he wasn't there…I missed you so much, Darkness! But it would be even worse without Kazuma!"
Darkness gave Aqua a gentle smile despite her headache. "Life was hard without the two of you. You can be…well, trying at times. And Kazuma…"
"I know you were in love with him," Aqua said suspiciously, jerking the bottle of bubbly away from Darkness and glaring at her.
"I was. Perhaps if things had been different…but it has been ten years for me. Unlike some people, I moved on," Darkness said with a shrug.
"Huh. You know, it's funny, but I never saw you doing that," Thalia mused.
"Well, you had to know, because you did meet me before, didn't you?" Darkness asked.
Thalia frowned. "Actually no, not like this. You know how time is."
"Er, no, I don't," Darkness said, feeling the hairs on the back of her neck rise. "What do you mean, things were different?"
"Well they just were. I understand," Thalia said, nodding to Aqua.
"Ugh, no, I hate time! It doesn't make any sense! And all the gods of time are jerks who just talk in riddles and play mean pranks on people. Like that stupid Chronos!" Aqua ranted.
"That's probably a good thing, because at least I'm sort of used to how time works from a mortal perspective. Even if…well, I am one now," Thalia sighed.
"Wait, then do you not know what's going to happen?" Darkness demanded, suddenly uncertain. "I thought…"
Thalia laughed "Of course I don't! I mostly know why you're here-"
"No I don't," Aqua grumbled.
"Well, you should think about it more. Who would send Darkness here?" Thalia asked.
"I dunno, I'm just happy she is here!" Aqua snapped.
"Well, I didn't know either when I was you. Kazuma still makes fun of me that my stats can change now," Thalia muttered.
"This is all very well and good, but what do we need to do? The Goddess of Belzerg MUST return!" Darkness said, leaning forward and yanking the bottle of alcohol away from Aqua by main force.
"Well, I'm not going back unless Kazuma is, and I already said he isn't," Aqua sniffed.
"Where is Kazuma? I mean, the old Kazuma, not my Kazuma. Even though he is old now. Don't tell him I said that, he's touchy about it, complains that I don't age properly. Most men would be happy to have a young looking wife, but he always complains! Though I think he's mostly just teasing me…" Thalia mused.
"Yeah, let me find him so I can give him a piece of my mind about making me mortal!" then Aqua blushed. "And, um, maybe…"
Thalia leaned across the table, death in her eyes. "Absolutely not. He's mine. And even if you're me, you're not me-me, so heck no."
"Well I bet yours is old and smelly," Aqua muttered.
Just then, the door swung open, and the individual in question stepped through, though not exactly.
"AQUA! Where's Darkness?! I need to talk to that pervert and- oh. You're here," Kazuma said. "Good. Hey, you, blondie, get out. I need to talk to these two 'ladies.'"
"KAZUMA!" Aqua raged, jumping up. "YOU MADE US MORTAL!"
Kazuma blinked, then dodged the haymaker Aqua through at him. "What are you talking about?!"
"I don't want to be mortal but I want to be your Bestest Bud and this is all confusing and your fault!" Aqua wailed, spinning to jump Kazuma again
This time, he tripped her with an outstretched leg, but she managed to grab him, toppling them both to the ground in a tangle of limbs.
Darkness gasped, her hands going over her face as she blushed, but her face was pale compared to how scarlet Aqua's went.
Kazuma panted, looking up Aqua, whose face was pressed against his own. "Get off!"
"I-I…it's your fault!" Aqua wailed, and rolled off, sitting up and turning her back to him.
"Look, there isn't time for this! I refuse to let my life turn into a harem comedy now!" Kazuma ranted. "I was firmly on the Megumin route! And I intend to stick to it!"
"Is THAT what you thought!? Oh, of course it was! Ooo, it shouldn't make me angry, but it does! Well you can just go over to the other school and get over it now, mister, because I-"
Kazuma slowly turned to Thalia, who was glaring at him, hands on her hips. "What did you just say?"
Thalia blushed. "Um, we're not supposed to meet yet, but-"
"I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!" Kazuma ranted. "Haruhi and Mikuru have been kidnapped by Delta Green or something, and I-"
"WHAT?!"
Kazuma found himself lifted into the air by an extremely angry strange woman, who's eyes burned with fury. "WHAT DID THEY DO TO MY DAUGHTER?!"
"Uh…who are you again?" Kazuma asked, feeling confused.
"She's Agent A! What did you do to our daughter, Kazuma!?" Aqua raged. She paused, then glanced at Thalia. "Um, she is my daughter, right?"
"She's MY daughter, and I will KILL anyone who hurts my baby girl, whether or not she's the Chief Goddess!" Thalia snarled, still holding Kazuma up off the ground. "Now what did you let happen to our daughter, Kazuma Sato?!"
"Thalia, please put Kazuma down," Darkness said, coming over and gently forcing the other woman's hands down. "Now, Kazuma, I know you have a lot of questions, but…he's fainted."
Indeed, at Aqua's mention of "our daughter," Kazuma, lifelong virgin and NEET (circumstances notwithstanding) had passed out from sheer horror.
"Oh that's it!" Thalia ranted, and raced over to grab her purse, digging out her phone and pressing and holding a number as she put it to her ear.
"Yes, I'm Kazuma…" a tired voice said from the other side.
"THEY KIDNAPPED OUR DAUGHTER AND YOU FAINTED! GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE RIGHT NOW AND HELP ME FIX THIS MISTER OR SO HELP ME-"
"Wait, what?! No, I'm still at work, how- Dammit! Where are you?!"
"In Yuki's apartment building! You remember how to find it? It's the same place we stayed!"
"Oh hell! Yes, I'm coming!"
"Good," Thalia said sniffing. She wiped at her eyes. "I knew something like this was going to happen, and I said I wouldn't get involved, but…"
"Screw that! She's MY baby girl this time! Like hell we're staying out of this!"
"Good." Thalia hung up and lowered her phone, tears leaking down her face.
"Um, it's OK," Aqua said hesitantly, going over to pat herself on the back. "I…I'm sure Haruhi will be OK…"
"You don't understand…" Thalia whispered. "She's my baby. I tried to keep her safe, tried to get her to tell me so I could help…but…"
"I understand," Darkness said, coming to put a hand on both her friends' shoulders. Or one of them. She wasn't too sure. "We will rescue the child, as I am her sworn shield."
Plus, that was the kind of pain Darkness enjoyed anyway.
It had been absolutely ages since Koizumi had turned his mind off and just played video games for a while. To his, well not delight, but at least a dopamine hit, his favorite MMO had been hosting a returning player login bonus. He'd found all his old gear just as he'd remembered it. Out of date now, yes, but certainly still a flex to wear in a lobby and chat.
He'd done a few hours of grinding, a few dungeons, figured out the new progression system, bought some cosmetic items, and was desperately trying to tell himself he was having a good time.
"This is the life, right?" he said to himself as he demolished yet another wave of trash mobs with his shiny new AoE skill, his avatar dressed in a cute bunny girl outfit. "No one's life depends on me, nothing matters. I can just…relax. And have fun."
He scratched at his chin, half expecting to have stubble growing on his chin already. However, as he was barely seventeen and Japanese, he would have to wait a few more days for anything noticeable to appear.
Sighing, he reached for his cold cup of instant ramen, taking out one noodle with his fingers like a barbarian. He eyed it. Once, he'd eaten basically nothing but this, and drank the sugary garbage he had at his console to keep up.
Groaning, he put the noodle back down and rested his head on his arms, his avatar making odd noises as she was mobbed and attacked. He looked up, one eye regarding her as she took damage.
"I've left you to die," he mused as the trash mobs rapidly respawned and attacked. "Just like…just like…"
He sobbed and sat up, continuing to play despite his body's desperate need for sleep. He couldn't sleep. If he did, he'd dream. And if he dreamed, it would be of his failures.
He'd failed Her. He couldn't stomach himself.
A part of him knew he was being patently ridiculous, and that he was no more to blame than anyone for Haruhi's destruction of one universe and creation of another which had, in some ways, been a matter of time. But he'd thought he could keep her safe, keep everything the way it needed to be, for as long as possible.
He passed out, for how long, he didn't know, sleeping at his keyboard. He awoke with a start to a pounding at his door, and raised his head, bits of drool clinging to his lips. He groaned, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and mumbled, "Go away, Kyouko. I said I'm not coming out!"
There was further banging on the door, and Koizumi just got up and went to the bathroom. The pounding stopped, and he sighed and hiked up his boxers, not even bothering with his pants. He turned and stumbled back into his room, then froze.
"N-Nagato?!" he gasped, as Yuki looked up from examining his gaming rig. It was a bit outdated, sure but it still worked!
"Itsuki Koizumi. We require your assistance," the humanoid interface stated.
Koizumi desperately tried to cover himself. "I'm retired! You don't need me! Go away!"
"Hey, did you find him?" Kyon's voice asked, and then the other boy poked his head in. One of Kyon's eyebrows rose. "What the hell happened to you?"
"What are the two of you doing in my apartment?!" Koizumi hissed, grabbing his sweat pants off the floor and trying to hop into them. "I quit! I'm out of the game! She hates me, and I failed, and I'm DONE! You hear me?! I don't care about Haruhi Suzumiya any-"
"Haruhi Suzumiya has been taken along with Mikuru Asahina by the organization known as Delta Green," Yuki interrupted. "We require data to locate her. Further assistance will not be required of you."
She paused, and glanced at Kyon.
"-but we would appreciate the help," Kyon added hastily.
Koizumi sat down hard on the edge of his futon, clutching his head in his hands. "This is the worst possible…I don't even know…Delta Green!? What are the Americans…NO! No, I can't help! I'll make everything worse! Don't you see?! I'm a failure! I can't protect her, I can't help her, I can't-"
"You CAN," Kyon said, grabbing Koizumi and hauling him up by his shirt. Kyon made a face. "What the hell man?! When was the last time you took a bath?!"
Koizumi looked away, and said nothing. The answer was far too embarrassing.
"Ugh, that isn't important! Listen, we need your help! Where would Haruhi be taken?! We don't have many leads, or much time!"
"There's…safe houses. I…I could possibly help locate one but…" Koizuim swallowed, sagging. "I don't know."
Kyon dropped Koizumi and stepped back, then to the side. He took out his phone, which made Koizumi frown. "What? There's no one you could call who would convince me to help you. I can't help you. You're better off without me."
There was a click, and Kyon smirked. "I took a picture."
"So?"
"I have Kazuma's number."
Koizumi paused, and felt something wrench inside him. He looked behind himself, and realized his messy gaming station was in full view. He looked back to Kyon, a sinking feeling in his stomach. "You wouldn't."
Panning the camera around the room, Kyon forced a serious expression on his face. "You help us, or I'm sending all these to Kazuma, and telling him you're just a jumped up NEET."
"That's blackmail!" Koizumi sputtered, scrambling forward on all fours. "This is illegal, you can't do this to me!"
Kyon danced back, holding the phone high out of Koizumi's reach. "Then help us! You know you want to!"
Koizumi paused, a desperate expression on his face as tears filled his eyes. He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, and looked up into Nagato's stoic eyes.
"Please, Itsuki Koizumi. You are our friend. And Haruhi Suzumiya's. Kyon and myself require your assistance. The previous incident was not your fault."
"But…I betrayed you," Koizumi whispered.
"That was not you. You know this. You could not act then. Now, you can. Please, assist us."
Hesitating, Koizumi looked back and forth between Yuki and Kyon.
"It's that, or Kazuma finds out you're a hikikomori. Ask yourself: What would you do to stop that?'
For a moment, Koizumi couldn't speak. Then, he sat back on his haunches and started to laugh, until tears rolled down his face. He forced himself to stand, driving down his laughter and hiccuping as his body shook.
"Very well! Then, I, Itsuki Koizumi will once more ride to the rescue of my goddess, the knight in shining armor, her chosen champion!"
He was still afraid, and wracked with guilt.
But he would rather die a thousand painful deaths than EVER let that bastard Sato have this over him.
Authors Note:
Brought to you by Tabasco, who is both my longtime beta reader and the only one who signed up for my lol. I think it's just because he wanted this chapter. You can help me decide what stories to update either there or by joining my discord, where I'm doing my best to update different stories based on what people want to see.