A moment passed as she thought of something to tell him. "When I was six, my older brother and I were climbing this huge oak tree. The branches were thicker around than I was. I stood on the first branch which was only about two meters off the ground. My eyes were closed and I could feel the wind pressing against my body. It felt like I was flying. I let go of the other branch I was holding onto and for a few seconds, I really thought I was flying. The wind became too strong and it knocked me off the branch straight onto my back. I broke my wrist in the fall."
"And that's when you became afraid of falling," Julian concluded.
She nodded lazily. She looked him over for a moment. "Julian, can I ask you a question?"
"Of course."
Hesitating only a moment, she asked, "Can I ask you about your genetic enhancements?" Her voice was soft and inviting. She had been wondering about it ever since they were stranded and now that she wasn't her usual self, she figured it'd be the best time to ask.
"If you'd like..." his voice shook slightly betraying the confidence he thought he felt.
"What was it like? I mean the whole experience, going from barely understanding your surroundings to being brilliant." She held his gaze carefully, wanting him to feel comfortable.
He paused remembering far back to when he was a child. "My world," he began
quietly," was cloudy and unsure. I would experience things that I had no clue what to make of. Everything was there, my mind just couldn't do anything with it. But that life had such simple joys. I remember when I first got my stuffed bear. I knew it was a toy and it was very soft and comforting. My eyes lit up when I saw it and my mind held great happiness. And then they did the enhancements on me. There wasn't a thing I couldn't comprehend. I saw the world from an entirely real perspective."
The memories made Julian feel the same feelings he always got thinking about the enhancements. That he was an unnatural being, that he wasn't good enough the way he was, that he was utterly inhuman. His eyes burned with unshed tears.
Lena studied him closely. "Julian, why does being enhanced make you feel that you're not human?"
He looked at her sharply, but his features softened when he saw the true curiosity in her face. "It... I just... they had to change my genetic structure to make me who I am," he faltered. No one had ever asked him flat out about his feelings.
"That doesn't make you who you are."
"How would you know? You've only known me for a short while," he countered.
She smiled. "Call it instinct." When she noticed the questioning look, she elaborated. "I can sense things from you. And I've read your file." That served only to deepen his questioning look. Even Julian himself hadn't read his own file.
A blush crept up her pale cheeks. "I was intrigued by the rumors of your genetic enhancements, so I accessed you file from the StarFleet database. Very interesting stuff, I might add. I wanted to know more about this genetically enhanced doctor, and, since Deep Space Nine was at the front of all the action, I put in for a transfer. I really enjoyed my new post until recently. Besides, Deep Space Nine is a step up from the Promethius."
Drowsiness swept over Lena, and her eyes fought to stay open. "Lena," he inched closer to her. "You can't sleep."
She stirred at the sound of his voice. "I wasn't. I was just making sure my eyelids worked, that's all." Her brow furrowed. "I can't feel my hands." She starred down at the unfeeling appendages.
Grabbing her hands again, Julian rubbed them furiously. Her face scrunched at the pain. A sharp moan escaped her lips. Julian pulled her coat sleeves over her hands.
"There's something I have to do. Stay here and don't you dare fall asleep on me."
She smiled, "Yes, sir." Listening carefully as his receding footprints crunched the snow, Lena thought. Should she even be questioning his feelings about his enhancements? She knew from the look on his face and they way he talked about them, that he didn't feel good about himself. She had seen those feelings before, in herself. Inadequate, a failure, worthless, unlovable. A part of her wished she could take away those feelings for him.
The constant pain of her injured hands reminded her of pain before. Can I go through all that again? The rejection, betrayal, denial. A relationship with Julian didn't seem so bad, it actually sounded good. Do you really thing he'd want to be with you? That you could handle a relationship again? a tiny voice mocked her.
Lena grabbed a nearby rock and threw it at the wall with all the energy she could muster in her current state. It hit the wall with a resounding smack and fell lifelessly to the ground. Frustration coursed through her. Her heart wanted so badly to love and be loved, but her mind was wary of any relationship. She was tired of listening to her mind.
Wondering if it would do any good, Julian started the fire outside the cave. Hopefully, if someone from the Defiant took a shuttle to search for them, they'd be able to detect the fire. Startled by a loud noise in the cave, Julian quickly looked towards Lena. Glaring at a rock on the other side of the cave, Lena still rested against the rock. Confusion furrowed Julian's brow. He shrugged. At least she's awake and alert.
Turning his attention back to the fire, Julian thought. He'd been thinking a lot since the beginning of their "trip". Granted, he had numerous things on his mind, he felt tired of thinking. He just wanted to go back to his normal life on DS9, or so he thought. A life alone wasn't that appealing. But a life with Lena in it...
A faint thrumming noise interrupted his contemplation's. He looked towards the crystal sky to see a gray speck high above. Watching as the speck began to descend, a glimmer of hope sparked in Julian. It couldn't be what he thought, could it? A few more seconds later, he knew it wasn't unwarranted hope. Swiftly rising, he ran into the cave to Lena.
"Lena, come on," he urged helping her to her feet. "We're about to be saved." He wrapped one arm around her waist and draped her arm around his shoulder.
She sagged heavily against him. "I don't believe it," she murmured. Lena's breath forming puffs in the air drew her attention away from Julian. Focusing was becoming increasingly hard.