Title: Hanging on to Hope
Series: Musical Inspiration
Author: Melissa
Email: princessbuffy79@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Characters = Almighty Joss, Fox, and now UPN. Song (Hanging on for Dear Life)=Jon Lind and Brock Walsh
Spoilers: The Gift
Summary: Xander tries to cope.
Distribution: If you want it, take it, but let me know.
Feedback: The only time you'll hear me beg for an 'F' is when it stands for feedback. So consider this begging.
~A mind can sure get weary
The way things come undone
With eyes that won't see clearly
And a heart that's overrun~
I can't believe she's gone. One moment, she was strong and fighting. The next… I can still see her body lying there. Still beautiful to look at, but she was missing the thing that I loved most about her. Her life.
I haven't cried yet. I don't know what's wrong with me. Willow cried, Giles cried, Dawn cried. Even Anya cried. Maybe Anya's tears were more for the deterioration of our relationship than for Buffy, but still, she cried. And here I sit in the silence of the night, dry eyes blurry from holding my emotions in check.
"Buffy...God, I miss you."
Whoa! Is that my voice? It's so scratchy. My throat is swelling up, making it hard to breathe. I have to tell her, though. Even if it's too late.
"Buffy," I try again, but quickly stop. This is so hard. If I finally admit it to myself, then she'll really be gone. I can't let her go. My heart won't let me.
The trees sway gently in the breeze. I look up at the full moon. It's so beautiful. Buffy would have loved it. The man in the moon stares down at me with his great big smile. Buffy always loved the man in the moon. She would sit and tell me stories about him. He had a wife and children. She would create these crazy adventures that the man in the moon had been on and she would smile. Thinking of that, the tears began to fall. I can't hold them back anymore. How can the man in the moon smile when the light of my life is gone?
"Oh god, Buffy. Why? Why did you leave me? I never really got a chance…" I close my eyes and let the memories of her face flash in my inner mind. She's like an angel. So surreal. I want to touch her, but she stands just out of my grasp.
Looking up at the stars twinkling in the sky, the words tumble out of my mouth. I no longer understand their meanings; I just need to get them out in the open. "I love you. I have always loved you and you left me before I got the chance to tell you. Why did you leave me? Buffy, life is meaningless without you. I don't know how to exist anymore. I just…"
~You keep hoping things will get better
That you'll find a way through it all
You must hold on to what you believe
When the sky's about to fall
So keep hanging on~
My sobs cause my entire body to shake and I slump to the ground. The darkness wraps its long dark fingers around me, but oddly enough, I find comfort in its depths. The night is a friend to me now, the only real reminder of the woman I love. I cannot use the word "loved" because that would mean I have given up on her. But I haven't. I don't think I really ever will.
These past two months have been pure hell for me. Everyone else has found a way to deal with his pain, but I just can't. Willow and Tara have been working on strengthening their skills and using them to fight vampires until the new Slayer arrives. Giles works all of the time and Anya, well, Anya left town. We haven't talked and I don't know what happened to her or where she's gone. It may seem cruel, but right now, I don't care. The only thing I care about is the fact that I no longer have Buffy's face to stare at during a long research session. She isn't there to laugh at all of my stupid jokes and I can't offer her advice on the wily ways of males. Giles says I'm in denial, but I can't help it. I just can't let her go. Not yet. I never had my chance.
~ The hands of time just keep turning round
There's no telling where you'll find the strength to climb
So just stand your ground
All through the night
'Til you can see the light
Keep hanging on for dear life~
It's almost day now. I've been here all night. Dawn must be worried sick by now. She and I have been nursing each other back to sanity. She has gone through so much and lost too many in her short life. I can't help her with that. But I have lost too. She and I understand each other. She is the only one who doesn't judge me. She never tells me I'm grieving the wrong way. But honestly, who's to say there is a "right" way to grieve. Grieving is grieving in my book. It hurts all the same.
~ A spirit can get battered
As you journey down the years
And if dreams were all that mattered
You'd be miles away from here
Just keep thinking things will be different
That you'll find a place in the sun
Hold your head up high in that stormy sky
And the change will surely come~
The birds nearby are beginning to chirp. I guess that's my cue to go home. I really should be there before Dawn wakes up and finds me missing once more. But something holds me here. It's the strangest feeling. I know I've felt it before, dating back as far as the first moment I laid eyes on Buffy's fallen form. It lay deep inside, tucked far away so no one would see. But now, as I dry my eyes with the back of my shirtsleeve, it springs forth. It consumes me and my heart feels free. Finally, the emotion has a name. That name is Hope.
"Kinda makes you think, huh?"
My heart stops and my blood rushes through my veins. I am aware of every sight and sound nearby, but my mind must surely be playing tricks on me. I didn't just hear…
"I mean, it's kind of final and all," the girl's voice continued, breaking into my thoughts. "But yet, it's not. At least not when you live on the Hellmouth."
I'm so scared to turn around. I don't want to see the empty space behind me. The freedom the hope has brought is too new. I'm not gonna give it up without a fight. But then she touches me. A gentle brush of her hand along my shoulder is all it takes. I twist around and the sight that meets my tired eyes is so beautiful, words cannot describe it. Buffy stands there, smiling at me with the early traces of the morning sun lighting her face. Her hair shines with strands of gold, her eyes as blue as the clearest sky.
Afraid my eyes are deceiving me, I hesitantly reach out. I feel a spark as my fingertips glide down her smooth skin. She sighs and turns her head so that it rests in my open palm. Her hair brushes my arm and all of the sudden, I feel alive once more. "Wha…How?" the words are almost impossible to get out.
She just smiles and shakes her head. "I don't know." I stare at her, my mind struggling to process the latest turn of events. "I just know it has to do with you."
My mouth falls open slightly in shock. "Me?" my voice registers my surprise. "Why me?"
"Something about an unfilled destiny," was the only explanation she offered.
This is a lot to take in. I don't know what to believe anymore. I had almost been ready to give up. To let her go. And now she stands in front of me. Buffy gently tugs on my hand and brings it to rest on her chest, over her heart. I can feel its steady rhythm and it beckons to me, calling my name. I pull her close, as close as our bodies will allow and we sway back and forth to a music that exists only to the two of us.
"If I was the reason you came back..." I'm afraid to finish the sentence, but I need to know, "then why did it take so long?"
Buffy smiles a small smile tinged with sadness and whispers. "You had to be ready to let me go."
"Let you go? But I never..."
Buffy places her finger on my lips and I quiet. She moves her hand along my cheek and brushes right under my eye. "You finally cried for me." I can only nod. "You were ready to let me go." I want to deny it, but deep down, I know she is right. I was finally making a futile attempt to move on. Buffy smiles again, but this time, the smile is one of pure joy. "I love you, Xander. I know I should have said that before, but I was scared. You were with Anya and I was getting over Riley. But now, we're being given a second chance. I don't want to mess this one up."
I grin as she says those words. "I love you, Xander," she repeats. My smile grows wider. It feels strange, like I haven't smiled in forever. In a way, I suppose that is true. Buffy is my happiness. When she died, all the laughter died with her.
"What will we tell the others?"
"We'll figure something out," Buffy smiles and wraps her arms around my waist. I pull her close and vow never to let her go again. "We always do."
~ Never you mind what you've been told
Someday you'll have all the love one heart can hold~