Chapter Twenty-Two

After much consideration of the guaranteed speculation that will arise regarding the nature of our relationship, Padmé finally convinces me to accompany her to Coruscant. I give into her argument for a few reasons. First, I have zero expectations that she will be successful in blocking that bill. Second, being on Coruscant will make it easier for me to execute my contingency when her plan inevitably fails. And third, but most importantly, I just want to be with her.

I cannot shake the dread and instinctive sense that my time with her is limited. I'm determined not to squander even a second of it. So, after a hasty goodbye to my family and gathering the few belongings that I have, I make the trip back to Coruscant with Padmé and her delegation. The official statement to all present was that I'd accompanied them to conclude the peace negotiations that began on Tatooine. The unforeseen delay caused by the vote was a convenient excuse but also a transparent one.

The whispers and rumors concerning the exact nature of our "negotiations" began despite our best efforts to maintain a professional persona with one another during the trip. The gossip only became worse when Padmé announced that I would be residing with her as a guest at her 500 Republica apartment during my stay on Coruscant. By the time we reached the planet, the news was already circulating among prominent Senators. I'm sure that it won't be long before the entire senate is buzzing with the salacious chatter that the young senator from Naboo is having an illicit affair with a former Jedi turned famous podracer from Tatooine.

"You might as well go on the HoloNet and announce we're lovers at this point," I tell her with a measure of irritation, "That's what everyone thinks anyway."

"I don't care what everyone thinks," Padmé declares with a dismissive wave, "And besides, they're not wrong, are they?"

I think she's more apprehensive about the rampant rumors and the vote than she lets on but, to keep herself distracted, she preoccupies herself with giving me an impromptu tour of her apartment. It's an unnecessary endeavor. I already know the layout of the place rather well. Still, I indulge her because I know it flusters her when she discovers that first time experiences for her aren't always first-time experiences for me.

Besides that, it seems to give her some sense of control to point out the locations of the nearest refreshers and talk me through the complicated settings for her expensive kitchen appliances. She also takes great care to show me where to find the servants' quarters and assures me that they will be at my disposal should I need anything. She even entrusts me with the door code, which again, is unnecessary but I say nothing.

"I hope I can take this to mean that you don't make a habit of leaving strange men in your home while you go off to work," I tease her with a deadpan expression.

"That's not funny, Anakin."

"Oh, but it was funny when you accused me of the same thing, huh?"

She rolls her eyes at the reminder, but I can tell she's fighting back a smile. "Just try to stay out of trouble while I'm gone, please?" She shoots a glance over at R2D2, who has been hovering solicitously since our arrival. "R2, keep an eye on him for me." I make a face as R2 whirs his willingness to complete the task. "And you…" she adds, regarding me with a quirked eyebrow because she knows I'm about to protest being appointed a babysitter, "…be good."

"Who me?" I say in round-eyed innocence as she raises up on her toes to kiss me goodbye, "I'm a perfect angel."

"In your dreams, Skywalker," she laughs against my lips before adding in a more solemn tone, "I love you, Anakin."

"I love you too," I whisper back after another lingering kiss, "Don't worry about me, Padmé. I'll be here when you get back."

We exchange several more kisses, to the point where R2 begins to whistle impatiently and Dormé must clear her throat several times before Padmé reluctantly extricates herself from my arms and heads for the door. "Wish me luck," she calls back to me over her shoulder.

I smile at her. "You won't need it."

Only when she's gone does my smile fade and I drop my cheerful facade altogether. It's not that I want her to fail. I don't. In fact, under different circumstances I might have shared her hopeful idealism. But the truth is exactly what I've told her. She is playing a game that she can't possibly win because the outcome has already been determined. Sidious' purpose is served only if the war continues to grind on bitterly. And so, he will most certainly ensure that happens. The more citizens who suffer for it, the better. As long as the blame is laid squarely at the feet of the Jedi when the end comes, he doesn't care.

At the onset of this whole crazy adventure of mine, I had been adamant that whatever would befall the Jedi in this new timeline was no longer my concern. I had fulfilled my end of the bargain by warning them and they had chosen their path. I have washed my hands of any responsibility in their fate…or so I've been trying to convince myself. Yet, my conscience prickles me, urging me to do more.

I know that Senate bill is going to pass. Just as I know it will cause further financial hardship on the citizens of the galaxy. And I know that Dooku will indeed attack Kamino, probably with some horribly destructive weapon which will only create more casualties and further the need for more troops. Barring the few hiccups that I created for him, it is all proceeding just as Sidious planned. I know that if I'm to continue to keep him off balance, that I must keep striking at his allies.

The problem is that I promised Padmé there would be no more killing. I earnestly want to keep that promise, but it hardly seems feasible to do so. A basic rule of survival stipulates that if you are presented with a threat to your existence then it is imperative that you eliminate that threat before it can eliminate you. My options are limited, especially because I can hardly trust the judicial system to hold Sidious accountable. He has control of the courts as well.

Still, I'm going to make the effort to manage the problem without violence for now…and for Padmé's sake only. In the meantime, I plan to keep close tabs on those individuals I know to be profiting from the war. At the very least, they can lead me to one of my primary targets; Count Dooku. Finding the clues to track him down will be much easier now that I'm back on Coruscant.

But, before I can begin attending to that business, I need to pay a visit to the Jedi Temple first. While I wasn't confident that Obi-Wan could provide me with satisfactory answers regarding the nature of my most recent dreams, I suspected that Master Yoda might be able to. I don't have any real guarantee that he will even consent to see again me given all that I've done, but I'm going to try regardless.

The instant I make a grab for my cloak and pull it on, however, R2 is whirring and whistling warning admonishments at me. "She didn't ask me to stay put," I tell him, clarifying Padmé's earlier orders to the feisty astromech, "She asked me to stay out of trouble…which I will."

Hardly satisfied with that reassurance, R2 sounds off another series of incensed toots and beeps and then has the audacity to roll forward and block my exit when I start to leave. I growl at him in mounting exasperation. "No. You cannot go with me." He beeps stridently in response. "I don't need you to keep me out of trouble."

I try to sidestep him, but he resolutely blocks my path a second time. My warning glares go unacknowledged. He bars my exit twice more before we finally end in a stalemate. "R2, this is ridiculous," I reason, "Are you going to do this all day until I agree to let you tag along?" An affirmative trill follows. "Fine! Come on then! You're lucky I like you."

As I ascend the grand steps of the Jedi Temple with R2 in tow, I think of the night of the Purge when I did the same with 501st marching behind me. It seems like so long ago, but I can remember with crystal clarity the relentless dread that had drummed in my heart that night. But there had been something else as well. A nervous anticipation, almost an excitement over what I knew I was about to become. I shake the memory away now, chilled by the recollection and wishing fervently that I could forget it altogether.

I half expect to be arrested on sight after everything I've done but, instead, the Temple guard grants me entrance without reserve before announcing that he will take me to Master Yoda. After giving instructions to R2 to wait outside in the atrium, I am escorted into Master Yoda's private quarters where he is already waiting, apparently deep in meditation.

"My apologies for disturbing you, Master," I murmur respectfully, "I can wait outside your chambers until you have finished."

Without opening his eyes, Yoda says, "Taken your time you have, young Skywalker, to come see me."

I stare at him speechlessly. "You've been expecting me?" Only then does he open his eyes and visually acknowledge my presence. He inclines his head in an affirming nod. "Why?"

"Know the answer to that, already you do."

"Surely you know what I've done…what I've been doing." It's not a question so much as a statement. He nods again. "Are you going to condemn me for it?"

"Jedi you are not. For me to condemn or condone, it is not."

I expel a weary snort at his reply. "I suppose I can expect for you to speak to me in cryptic riddles this whole time then, can't I?"

His large eyes flare even wider with my mocking tone. "Came to me to seek answers, you did. About how you receive them, criticize will you?"

"I need you to tell me the truth, Master Yoda," I urge him, "Am I really the Chosen One?"

I'm fully prepared for his typical obscure response to that, and my irritated retort is already poised on my lips when he answers without reserve, "The Chosen One, you are."

The frank admission leaves me stunned. I stumble forward to take a seat without waiting for his invitation to do so, and stare at him in wary disbelief. "Have you always known?"

Another nod. "Doubts regarding the prophecy's interpretation, there were. But always known, the Chosen One you were."

"Then why?" I demand harshly before I can stem the words, "Why did you never accept me here? If I was your blessed 'chosen one' and you knew that all along, then why did you make me feel like an outsider my entire life?"

"Preconceived notions we had of what the chosen one should be," Yoda admits softly, "Expecting someone like you, we were not."

I regard him with disillusioned scorn. "You mean because I was too old or because I was a slave?"

"Foresee the deep conflict, the pain and anger in you, we did not."

"I'm sorry I couldn't be the perfect Jedi for you, Master Yoda. I'm sorry I wasn't the 'Chosen One' that you wanted." But I'm the one you have. I almost tell him that, but I bite down against the envenomed retort.

"Wrong we were, young one, to judge you out of turn," he murmurs thoughtfully, "To try and control you, foolish we were."

"You're about 22 years too late in that realization," I mutter.

Yoda's keen green eyes flare wide with at my muttered censure. "Know all the answers now, do you, young Skywalker?"

"Of course not! Why do you think I came to you in the first place?"

"Still so very impatient…" he tsks in disappointment, "As you were in your boyhood."

"Do you blame me? Every time I come to you for answers, you give me riddles!"

"Frustrate you not, riddles do," Yoda discerns in a quiet tone, "Hear the truth and accept it, you do not."

"What truth is that?" I scoff.

"A child of the Force, you are, young Skywalker. A product of its will. Neither light nor dark, are you. Something else, you are. Something pure and untainted in the Force, encompassing all that it is."

"And what does that mean? What am I supposed to do, Master Yoda?"

"Know this already, you do."

I acknowledge his perceptive reply with a terse nod. "I must face Sidious and destroy him."

"Yes."

"And what if I'm destroyed in the process as well?" I ask him, fear and despair choking my words, "I'm having visions of…of falling again. I can't escape the past I left behind. I want a future, Master Yoda, outside of all this. I want…I want to have a normal life. That's all."

"The will of the Force, it is."

"Don't tell me that! You're saying that I should just let whatever I've seen in my visions come to pass? Is that it?"

It's really no different than the advice he gave to me when I was having the premonitions of Padmé's death. I don't know why I was expecting a different outcome. Perhaps I had believed that if I went to him this time, unencumbered by secrets and presenting my true face to him, he might be inclined to be more forthright with me. But nothing has changed. He is still the same Yoda, wise and introspective, but remote as always.

"Resist the truth you do, because hear what you want you have not."

"You want me to just accept the idea that I have no future, no hope beyond an ignominious death or a life of pure evil and you want me to be like, 'oh well, it happens,'" I snap furiously, "That's easy for you to say when we're not talking about your life!"

"For a purpose, the Force brought you forth, young Skywalker! For me to decide, it is not." His brow knitting into a deep a scowl, Yoda lifts his gimmer stick to tap obstinately at my flank. "Neither for you to decide, it is. Great power, you have been given. Great responsibility you have, young one, and with great responsibility, sacrifice must come."

"What if I don't want it?" I ask gruffly, unshed tears burning in my throat.

He smiles at me sadly and I already know what he is going to say before he voices the words. "The will of the Force, it is."

My meeting with Yoda proves to be more disappointing than I was expecting. I had gone to him hoping that he might be able to reassure me regarding my dream. Or, at the very least, help me to discern its meaning and put my visions into context. All he did instead was confirm that my worst fears would most certainly come to pass and, apparently, it was my destiny to simply "go with it." The problem is that I've never been very good about doing the things that were expected of me.

Consequently, when I leave the Jedi Temple, I head straight for the Senate Complex afterwards. I make my way there with R2 grilling me about my intentions the entire way. "Rest easy, R2. We're not planting bombs today. We're going to plant a tracking device instead," I tell him, "You have a problem with that?" I don't think he will, but I'm heartened by his agreeable whistle, nonetheless. "Good. I'm going to need your help breaking into the Senate hanger bay. And you're not going to say a word to Padmé about this."

By the time R2 and I make it back to the apartment it is late into the afternoon, but I've accomplished more than I expected. I have a plan in place to keep track of Lott Dod's movements while I'm here. If he chooses to leave the planet, then I will know about it. I have no doubts that he will eventually lead me to Count Dooku and when he does, I will be ready to act. In the meantime, I have little choice but to wait and watch as this next phase in Sidious' plan plays itself out.

To combat the restlessness that I'm feeling while I await Padmé's return, I decide to contact Obi-Wan on the secure frequency he provided to me the last time we were together. "How's the hunt for Grievous going?" I ask when his digital image blinks into view. It is immediately apparent to me that he's in the middle of taking on heavy blaster fire. He's crouched behind what appears to be a giant rock wall, flanked on either side by clone troopers.

"As you can see," he grunts between lightsaber deflections and the dissonance beyond, "it's going quite well! So glad you decided to call and chat!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize you were in the middle of something."

"I can understand how you missed the whole war that's been happening," he replies, sarcasm blazing.

Ahsoka abruptly comes into view then, darting up alongside Obi-Wan's as she deftly repels the incoming assault with dual lightsabers. "Master, we've got these Tinnies on the run now," she says, "Take a minute if you need it. I've got this! Hi, Anakin! Bye, Anakin!"

"She seems quite sure of herself," I comment when she promptly disappears off screen, presumably to go charging back into the thick of battle. I do remember that about her, and it was a quality I had always admired. But I'm surprised that Obi-Wan isn't quick to stifle her willful spirit as he had been with me.

He must be thinking along similar lines because he sighs plaintively, "Hmm, yes…very much like someone else I know. With her enthusiasm, I'm sure we'll have General Grievous cornered soon enough. How did the negotiations fair, by the way?"

"They didn't. We never finished. Padmé was called back to Coruscant for an emergency Senate vote."

"And?"

"And…I came with her."

"You're on Coruscant?" he balks.

"I'm not here to kill anyone if that's what you're afraid of!" Yet…

"That is one concern." He leaves the unasked question hanging between us. I decide the best course of action is to address it directly and tell him the truth.

"If you're asking me if Padmé and I are together now…yes, we are."

"Oh, Anakin, why…"

"Must you make it sound like I've doomed the entire galaxy?" I demand crossly.

"Can you truly blame me? Anakin, it's not that I want you to be unhappy—,"

"—But you'll insist on it regardless—,"

"—Let's not forget that you were willing to burn the entire galaxy to ashes due to your love for her!" he reminds me, "Do you really want to take that risk now when there is so much at stake?"

"That wasn't love, Obi-Wan," I tell him, "That was possession, insecurity, and fear. I was a child then, and, like a child, I allowed the fear of loss to dictate my actions! I know where I went wrong the first time, and I won't compromise what I believe is right. Not even for her. Or you. Or anyone else for that matter."

He can't argue with me further because he's in the middle of a battle and that becomes a reality that he can't ignore any longer. Our transmission ends abruptly, but not before he makes it known that he fears I am making a mistake. What else is new?

I'm still brooding about our abbreviated conversation when Padmé arrives later that afternoon. However, I set aside my own conflicted feelings, the instant I see her. Defeat is radiating off her in waves when she comes loping through the door. I already know the reason why and open my arms to her, acknowledging aloud what had heretofore remained unexpressed. "You lost."

She confirms with a sorrowful nod and comes running directly into my waiting embrace. "It was practically a unanimous vote," she recounts bitterly, "Some feel that we are so close to ending this war that we must put forth any effort necessary to ensure a Separatist defeat."

"I'm not surprised."

Her fists bunch rhythmically at the back of my shirt as she wrestles with suppressed frustration and despair. Her words are garbled with unshed tears when she says, "You told me that this would happen. I was foolish to expect otherwise."

I gently coax her distraught gaze to my resolute one. "It's not foolish to hope, Padmé. Hope is what will keep you fighting for something better. Don't ever lose that."

"Are you advising me…or yourself?"

"This war will never be over until Sidious is destroyed."

"Why does that responsibility have to be yours, Anakin?"

"It just is," I sigh tiredly, "And that was decided long before I was born."

Padmé presses her cheek to my chest then and hugs me so tightly that my ribs ache from the pressure. "I don't want to think about that now. I just want you to hold me."

I do as she requests but I can't ignore how weary and disheartened she seems. "You should take a nap," I whisper into her hair, "You look like you're ready to drop."

"I am. I've hardly slept at all in the past two days."

I tip a wry glance down at her. "Why do I feel that comment is directed at me?"

"Well, it is your fault."

"I don't remember hearing any complaints."

Her cheeks bloom with color as she quickly tries to conceal her answering smile in the folds of my shirt. "Point taken." She shrugs from my embrace then and extends her hand in unspoken appeal. "Take me to bed now?"

I nod and take her hand. "You want me to nap with you?" I ask when she starts to lead me back towards the bedroom.

"No," she replies, throwing a mischievous smile back at me, "We can take a nap afterwards though."

We make love slowly, sweetly, as if we have all the time in the world to enjoy one another. I cherish each unhurried moment, recognizing that this might not be a privilege I will enjoy again. I treat every kiss, every caress as though they might be my last. Hours later, when we lay wrapped around one another, I still don't have the feeling that I've touched or tasted her nearly enough. Desire for her, in every way conceivable, remains like a gnawing hunger inside of me that can never be satiated. I doubt that it ever will be.

Padmé is unusually quiet, clearly lost in her own thoughts as she absently traces invisible circles with her index finger across my abdomen. "I wish we could stay here like this forever," she sighs wistfully.

"Me too."

The regretful edge in my tone, the implicit acceptance that freezing this moment isn't an option for us at all is unmistakable, so I'm not surprised when she shifts in my arms to challenge that idea with her typical defiance. "Why can't we?" she demands somewhat angrily, "We don't have to stay here, Anakin! We…We could go someplace else. Someplace the war can't touch us…where Sidious can't harm you…"

"It's not about him harming me, Padmé."

"But you're afraid he'll turn you again, aren't you?"

"No. I'm not afraid of that. Sidious isn't responsible for my fall." Before she can sag with relief against my chest following that assurance, I add grimly, "He was only the catalyst, but he didn't make the choice for me. The darkness that lives inside of me was there long before I met him. And I suppose that's what frightens me the most…that I will never truly escape that part of myself."

"You're not evil, Anakin. I will never believe that, and neither should you!"

"I'm not good either, Padmé." I stroke my fingers across her cheek in a forlorn caress, unconsciously memorizing her face because I sense the irrevocable change that is coming. "Eventually, whether I want to or not, I always destroy the things that I love the most."