To be fond of dancing was a certain step towards falling in love.
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
In the week it took to walk to Lothlorien, Berendine opened like a dam and in a rush, everything flooded out. In many ways, her experience had been much, much worse than I had suspected, but the distance from Minas Tirith - and him - provided perspective, and relief. She had been quiet and reflective on the journey so far, and I had not been in stable enough spirits to listen attentively, but now, on the edge of the forest, we were able to frankly discuss what we had been through. I was glad she was finally confiding in me.
"Sometimes I am so ashamed, but then I look at Joy - don't eat that! - and I think that in the end I am lucky," she said. We were sitting outside the camp on a grassy bank and Joy was grabbing fists of grass and attempting to swallow them. Together we wrestled the blades of grass out her hands and she wiped her slobbery hands on my dress.
"I think you're right," I said. We were lucky to be free of him - and perhaps forever! I did not think we would ever see him again. And the future looked promising. Berendine was excited about being Princess Elwen's handmaiden, and I was going to Lindon with Glorfindel. Surely all was well?
"But I am sorry he turned to you, Min. Can you ever forgive me?" Berendine asked, her eyes wide and fretful.
"There is nothing to forgive, dearest friend," I told him, embracing her close to me. She sniffed.
Joy tried to shove some grass in my mouth.
"Oy!" I cried, smiling at her.
On the night before we made camp outside the forest of Lothlorien, and a small group of us would enter the woods with the Elves, and the rest of the men would stay, Glorfindel asked to go for a walk with me. I thought he was going to tell me what the city in the woods was like, and a little about Elvish etiquette that I could benefit from, but he was silent for some time, weighing things up in his head.
"There is something I must tell you. It is delicate, but it does not pertain to me, but sadly it does involve me," he said, eventually. Glorfindel looked pained.
I waited with baited breath, but I had guessed what he was about to say to me. Looking agitated and worried, Glorfindel told me a convoluted story about how some five hundred years ago, he and Elrond had made the acquaintance of the daughter of Galadriel and Celeborn and how both of them had fallen in love. But not with each other. Haltingly, he spoke of Celebrian's infatuation with him, and Elrond's admiration of her.
"I have never encouraged this, never , Minnow, and I feel caught between them. I do not know how this will play out, but I hope it will not affect you."
It sounded like he thought it might. Poor Elrond, I thought. How must he feel?
"I already know, Erestor let it slip," I confessed.
Glorfindel swore in Quenya and started muttering in Sindarin about what he would do to Erestor when he saw him next. "I have never met anyone more indiscreet!"
"He thought I already knew, Glor," I admonished. "And perhaps I should have."
Glorfindel sighed, wearily, and for a brief moment I felt heartily sorry for him.
"Ai. It is a bad situation. Elrond will barely talk to her, and so she is not aware of his feelings in the slightest, and she doesn't attend to anything I say but tells me I am charming, or heroic, or dashing. Dashing!" he said, petulantly.
"Grumpy, laconic, irritable would be more apt," I said, smiling at him. He caught my hand and drew it to his chest.
"I would prefer to fight a cave troll than be in the company of Elrond and Celebrian together. He will not speak, and she will not stop. Truly, Minnow, it is unbearable."
He was so grave it was all I could do to stop laughing in his face, and I turned away to hide my smile. He pulled me into his arms.
"I do not mind if you laugh at me, as long as you laugh," he said, solemnly.
I smiled a little sadly at him.
"You are still not in good spirits, Minnow," he said, looking at me intently.
"I know."
"Give it time," he replied and kissed my forehead.
I only realised I had been so tense when I started to relax again. My bruises had faded, and so had Berendine's, but bruises of the heart do not fade as quickly. I was still jumpy, and my sleep was disturbed by nightmares, but I did feel better. But I was quieter. Perhaps it was that I had grown used to not being able to use my voice and speaking less, but I felt I was retreating into myself. I could not stop worrying about how Gondor would fare - whether there would be riots and if rioting would make things better. But I began to realise that it was not my problem, and it never really had been. I didn't have to bear the responsibility of the crown of Gondor. I was to go to Lindon instead.
But first, we were to spend two weeks in Lothlorien. The Elves and Anarion had much to discuss, and the Elves wished to be with their kin for a time, which I could not fault them for. No one had completely shaken off the shadow of Mordor. Under the Mallorn trees, the memory of war would recede, Erestor told me. Plus Lothlorien was known for a kind of sparkling wine of which he was very fond.
"I want to get so drunk that I see stars," he declared.
Glorfindel glared at him.
"We are not to have a repeat of when you got Thranduil so drunk he threw up on Orophir," he told him sternly. Erestor grinned and waggled his ears at me.
"As if you weren't next to me, quite as drunk as Thranduil!" he laughed. I smiled. I would dearly like to see Glorfindel drunk, and letting his hair down.
I was looking forward to (finally) seeing an elleth, but I was nervous about how I would be received. What was acceptable in times of war was not the case in times of peace.
As we stopped on the outskirts of the forest, the humans made camp. They were not allowed in, for unlike the kingdom of Lindon, Lothlorien was a sacred place. Lind was furious that she was not allowed to come; I could see her sulking, although I kept my distance. Of the human party, only Anarion, Elwen and I were allowed into the woods.
I resisted the urge to stick my tongue out at Lind. The loss of her friendship hurt as much as when Isildur had broken my wrist, perhaps more - a sharp pang. I wanted her to apologise to me. I couldn't understand why she had not spoken to me - surely after what had happened, she must realise she was wrong about Isildur? But I was beginning to have my own realisations; I could not expect her to react like I would in her situation. She was different. How I didn't notice it before was beyond me. How could I be so blind, I asked myself, miserably.
"I am so excited I cannot contain myself," said Elwen, grasping my arm. "We are going into secret Elvish lands!"
We had started a slow procession into the woods. The Elves were singing softly as we walked through the trees, our horses walking alongside us. They sang a lilting song in Quenya that I didn't understand but it felt both happy and sad. Wistful, perhaps.
I scowled at Anarion when he looked at me and he sighed. He walked with Elwen in front of me and I walked behind. I was last in the procession. I'm not sure how exactly it happened but we all seemed to assemble in order of importance.
I didn't mind being last (should I have been besides Glorfindel? But perhaps this was a military procession) because it allowed me to stare at everything.
As we walked deeper into the woods, the trees began to change. The wood was thicker, and felt older, and the air felt heavier but there was so much light, and such glittering effervescence in the air. It was a magic place.
But not a welcoming place. I felt a prickling on the back of my neck, and I felt I was being watched.
We were met by a group of wood Elves after a few hours of our slow, ponderous walk. They were garbed in green, and while I couldn't see them, I felt their presence before they showed themselves. They greeted Gil-galad with respect, Glorfindel with deference, Elrond with friendship and Anarion with tolerance.
However, there was a rapid conversation with a lot of gesticulating from Glorfindel.
"Do you speak Quenya?" I asked Elwen, quietly. She nodded.
"They do not want to let you in, but Gil-galad says you are his particular guest, and Glorfindel says will not enter the woods without you," she whispered.
I looked down at my feet. I was tired of fights, of never quite belonging anywhere. I would let others champion me for now.
But it did not take long. The Elf who I thought was in charge nodded, but he was not happy. Glorfindel looked back at me and gave me a quick nod, before leading the Elves into the woods. The song they were singing changed, and became sweeter and higher.
"I have never seen Elves return to their lands before like this. This is a special tradition, we are privileged to see it," whispered Anarion, and I forgot to scowl at him. We followed them through the woods until the trees grew larger and larger until they seemed like pillars. They were reaching so high into the sky that I couldn't see the tops of them in the dying light. But even as evening grew near, there was light. I couldn't understand it.
We came to a clearing where there were three Elves standing on a stage. One was a king of Lothlorien, Anarion whispered. His name was Amroth and he looked stern and strange. He raised his arms and spoke in Quenya. We bowed the Elvish way, and I looked and saw that in the trees were ropes, and walkways, and ladders, and even houses (which I later found out were called talans) and every inch of them was covered in Silvan elves. Many of them were looking at us humans. I felt Elwen swell up with pride: she loved attention, but I wanted to run and hide.
But the king was not alone on the platform. The other two Elves were a couple, I thought, as they were leaning slightly into each other.
"Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn," whispered Anarion to us. Amroth was the king, but the real power was clearly Lady Galadriel. She was the first elleth I had ever seen: she was handsome but there was something cold about her. She reminded me of ice, of a frozen waterfall.
I was a little scared of her and the power emanating from her. Besides her was a more kindly looking elf who I supposed must be her husband, and behind them, standing near the stage was a young elleth who looked full of anticipation. That must be her, I thought.
It would be a disservice to describe Celebrian as beautiful. She had her mother's presence and elegance, and the warmth of her father. Her face was perfectly symmetrical, and I thought she would make a human man speechless. But who knew how ellon would react around her. All Elves were good looking, I thought. Perhaps it is a little boring after a while.
I smiled a little to think my own ordinariness might be a novelty.
As I did not understand what Amroth was saying, and Anarion was not translating for me, I studied Celebrian. Part of me thought that she and Glorfindel would be a beautiful couple, and a larger part of me thought they looked a little too similar - were they related? She would certainly be more striking by the side of Elrond, I thought, amusedly.
On her part, I could see she was staring at Glorfindel, looking at him with a big smile of anticipation.
This was going to be an awkward visit, I thought, downheartedly.
You will leave him before the end, Mistress Healer, one way or another. Are you prepared to pay the price… or will you let it fall to him?
I flinched. Was that voice inside my head ?
Elwen had said that Galadriel could see into people's minds, but could she speak into them as well? I looked at her, and she was looking straight at me. For a second, I didn't breathe, but her gaze turned away and I felt like someone had released me from a chokehold.
I breathed in raggedly. What on Middle Earth was that, I wondered. Why had she said I would leave him ? In what circumstances would I ever want to leave Glorfindel? Strange, judgmental elleth, I thought, with weird powers.
And how dare she say something like that to me, I thought, fizzing with anger.
Lord Celeborn was talking now, I realised, but he did not talk long. Instead, he ushered the important elves, and Anarion to a meeting. Elwen stayed by her brother's side, and I was glad. She should be involved in these conversations. She would be a good advisor to Anarion, I thought.
But I bet she was glad of the chance to ogle some new Elves close up.
Glorfindel bounded over and told me a warden called Haldir would escort me to our talan, before bouncing off again. Haldir gave me a good look over and from the look on his face, I did not measure up. He wrenched my pack off me and turned on his heel.
I had to practically run to keep up with him, and after a few minutes of jogging I was out of breath. He kept stopping, huffing and rolling his eyes at me. But I could not be in a bad mood: I was climbing up a staircase that encircled an ancient tree. I was not overly keen on heights, but it felt sturdy and I assumed it was infused with Elf magic. It was wondrous.
And he was not the first bad tempered Elf I had encountered.
Haldir led me along the rope bridges, resolutely refusing to look at me or answer any of my questions about the city. After a while, I wondered if he could speak Sindarin. Surely he must? He kept striding ahead of me, and at long last had to wait for me to catch up with him. He looked down his long nose at me.
"Surely it can't be far now?" I asked, exhausted. It had been a long day.
He narrowed his eyes at me.
"We do not understand why the Lord Glorfindel of Gondolin has chosen you over the lady of the light's daughter, who is beloved in this city, and who is beautiful beyond compare. He must have taken leave of his senses," said Haldir.
"Probably," I said. Haldir raised an eyebrow. He crossed his arms.
"You are no beauty, and do not appear to possess any great charm," he continued, suspiciously.
"True," I agreed, amiably.
I saw a vein in his forehead throb.
He ran up some steps then turned around.
"You are short even for your people, and your hair is unkempt and wild," he snapped.
"Correct," I replied.
He sharply waved at the talan in front of me and almost threw my pack at me.
"Thank you for your kindness, warden!" I called after him as he ran from my presence. I opened the door to a simple, but beautiful, large wooden room. In the middle was a bed.
"Thank the Valar," I muttered.
I dropped my pack on a chair, pulled off my boots and stretched.
"Bed," I muttered before collapsing onto it. I fell into a deep sleep instantly.
Later, the bed moved as someone sat down on it next to me.
"What have you done to discombobulate Haldir so?" asked a familiar voice, stroking my hair. I snuggled up to him.
"I merely agreed with everything he said," I said sleepily. He wrapped himself around me, humming the song the Elves had been singing to himself and I drifted back into sleep.
It was the first time I slept without a nightmare. In my dream I was on a beach I didn't recognise with Glorfindel and we were running into the waves and shrieking when the water hit us. Wading into the sea, Glor would grab me and spin me around, the water up to his shin and then his waist and then with a grin, he would drop me in the water.
I woke up with a smile on my face. Glorfindel was already awake and dressed.
"You slept well," he said, sitting on the bed. "Come, I wish to show you Lothlorien."
Glorfindel took me on a tour of the city, telling me of the history of the woodland realm. The king's father, Amdir, had died recently in the battle against Sauron, he explained. I realised that this was a city in mourning.
Perhaps that explained the sad shadow that seemed to hang over the realm. It was so quiet here, I thought, as we climbed a staircase to the top of the trees. I was beginning to sweat from exertion.
"Do not look down," advised Glorfindel, who was enjoying what was for him, a light stroll. I sighed. Now it would be impossible to resist looking down. He laughed and grabbed my hand, pulling me closer. "I do not mind heights when we are in a tree and there is a breeze upon my face."
At the top of the staircase there was a viewing platform, but I was still not quite tall enough, so Glorfindel held me up and directed me to look.
It was stunning. I had never seen over the tree canopy before: I had never really been to a forest before. Tolfalas had nothing this size, or this age. The leaves, which were turning gold, flickered in the breeze and I looked across the miles and miles of treetops.
For the first time in a long time, I felt utterly at peace. Glorfindel, who was holding me tight in place, squeezed me and let me down.
I buried my face in his tunic. "Thank you," I told him.
"I will take you on the Nimrodel after lunch, " he promised. "But first we must eat."
He took me to Elrond's talan where Erestor was laying out bread, cheese and some fruit I didn't recognise. Elrond was shuffling away papers.
"Is it true that the grumpy Marchwarden insulted you in every way possible and you agreed with it, and then told him he was kind? Praise be to Eru, Minnow you are glorious. Glorfindel, you do not deserve her," said Erestor.
"Erestor, your contributions are not wanted in this, or any other conversation," said Glorfindel. I elbowed him.
"No, indeed, but they are needed," said Erestor.
Elrond told me that there was much to discuss over the next two weeks. Orcs were still roaming Dol Guldur and Mirkwood, there were many displaced people and refugees, and new treaties to work out.
"But we can spare our general today," he said, with a smile. I grinned.
Later, Glorfindel took me on a boat which looked eerie like a swan, and rowed me up and down a river, as I lay on his lap, looking up at the sky. It was so peaceful to be back near water: I had missed it so much.
"Where is your water bottle?" I asked, lazily.
"Somewhere safe," he replied.
I tried to push him off the boat and into the river, but he grabbed my hands easily and started tickling me. Crying with laughter, I wriggled out of his grasp but fell into the water. He hopped in next to me, and I continued to try and get his hair wet.
As I wrestled him in the water, he picked me up despite my protestations at being a good swimmer, and so I wrapped my legs around him. Leaning his back against the riverbank, he pulled me closer and his hands swept up my thighs to grip me tightly. His head leaned back and he looked at me with a mischievous smile.
"This is a very public place, you bedraggled fiend," he said, softly. He kissed my brow and in a quick motion, deposited me on dry land and leapt up after me. We managed to regain the boat and walked back to our talan to change. There was to be singing for the fallen that evening, Glorfindel told me solemnly, and I could not attend looking like a drowned cat.
I heard the Elves before I saw them; the tune was in Quenya so I could not understand it, but it was so sad that it made me teary. In a grove at the lowest point of their realm, they had gathered as if by accident and many were holding lanterns.
When would war be truly over, I wondered. When the memories faded? I thought of Thalion who had died so long ago now, and who I wished to speak to. And I thought of Elendil, who I never thought could die, and I closed my eyes and remembered Mordor and all we lost there.
Erestor threw his arm around me and squeezed and I looked up at him and smiled. I noticed that both Glorfindel and Gil-galad looked slightly alarmed at his informal manner with me, but I did not mind.
Glorfindel's voice rose to join his people: a low, rich and smooth baritone. I felt a shiver go through me; his voice touched my soul and made me teary. Discomposed, I looked around at the other singers. There were hundreds of Elves, but only a few whose voices I could distinguish. Singing a soprano solo was Celebrian, all dressed in silver and looking like a princess from a fairytale. She hit notes I had never heard before and made me gasp, but all the while she was staring at Glorfindel as he stood next to me.
There was something magical about her, I thought, a little worried. After Sauron's ring, I did not like anything magical. Nature was all the magic I wanted. But I could not deny being a little under her spell: her voice made me feel light, and tingly, but also melancholy.
Did my eyes deceive me, or was Elrond staring at her with a look of such longing that it made me want to blush on his behalf. I had never seen such an intense look from the healer, and I could see he was struggling with his feelings. I looked away, embarrassed. There were many emotions in his face that I had not seen in the calm and wise Elrond before, including naked lust.
Was this how it was to be, I wondered: Celebrian staring at Glorfindel, who in turn never wavered in his gaze up at the sky, while Elrond looked at her? It was ridiculous, farcical and just plain sad.
At long last, the singing stopped and the crowd started to disperse. I felt as if I was coming out of a trance. Celebrian left her handmaidens who all bowed to her and made a beeline for Glorfindel, who she curtseyed elaborately in front of.
"May I introduce Lady Minnow to you? This is Lady Celebrian, daughter of Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn," said Glorfindel, in a courtly voice I had never heard him use before.
"Well met, Lady Celebrian," I said, politely. She towered over me.
She also completely ignored me and spoke to Glorfindel in Quenya.
"The wounds of war will fade in time," he replied in Sindarin.
She replied, at length, in Quenya, smiling up at him.
"I am glad to be returning home to Lindon, " he said, again in Sindarin.
As they spoke, I looked between the two of them, torn between laughing and saying something rude to Celebrian. Instead, I sought another path.
"How long have you been away from Lindon, Elrond? " I asked, pointedly. Elrond and Erestor had been watching us, rather uneasily.
"It has been almost ten years," he said, hesitantly and shyly.
"Much can happen in ten years, and yet much can remain the same," Celebrian replied languorously, not looking at him but keeping her eyes on Glorfindel. It was a very Elvish reply, I thought, feeling the urge to roll my eyes. At least it was in Sindarin.
"That is true… and it is also not true. And yet it is false… and not false," I said. Erestor's eyes bulged and Elrond bit back a smile.
"We must retire, good night," said Glorfindel, hurriedly, and grabbed my arm. He pulled me along out of the hollow, up the banks and staircases until we were out of Elvish earshot.
"Do not jest with Celebrian, she is not to be toyed with," he warned.
"Why? Is she violent?" I asked, incredulously. He sighed.
"No. But her mother is, and I would like to remain on good terms with her, hard as that may be."
That didn't bode well, I thought, worried.
As we entered our talan, I pondered over how to breach the topic of Galadriel. But I was tired, and I didn't have to ask now, I told myself.
"Are you happy to be back amongst your people, Elf?" I asked, with a smile.
"I am happy to be with you amongst my people," he said, with a smile, sitting on a chair and taking his boots off. I watched him in his domesticity, and decided it was nothing: this was true happiness.
It had been an almost perfect day.
I slowly bent over and purposefully kissed Glorfindel's ear.
"There is no rush, Minnow," he said, pulling on his favourite curl.
I kissed his other ear.
"You need time to heal and I make no demands upon you… you should rest."
I took off his belt and pushed him onto the bed.
"Message received!" he said, laughing and pulled me closer to him. He kissed me slowly and deeply, and slowly we undressed each other.
"I want you to be in control," he said solemnly, and manhandled me so that I was straddling him.
"It is just a coincidence, then, that this is your favourite position, is it?" I breathed, amused. Glorfindel just laughed.
The next day, Elwen summoned me because she wanted a chaperone to walk around the wood, and I gave her a tour.
"This is heaven," said Elwen. "The talks are very interesting, and Annie is doing well, but Galadriel is… oof! She makes my father look like a kitty cat. I am glad not to be included today."
"She is rather fierce?" I asked, worried. Elwen made a face at me.
"I would not say fierce, but there is something deep in it that I find unsettling. She spoke to me with her mind, you know. Called me vain and superficial!"
I was rather shocked, but couldn't find it within me to share that Galadriel had done the same to me - and said I would leave Glorfindel.
"Glorfindel mentioned… violence alongside her. But… perhaps he didn't mean physical violence," I pondered. Telling people harsh truths was its own kind of violence. Did Galadriel think she had the right? Was she so free of fault herself that she could cast judgement on others?
"I believe she used to wield a sword," said Elwen. "But it doesn't signify. Do you think I'm vain?" she asked, uncharacteristically vulnerable.
We were walking arm and arm alongside the river, and there was a soft breeze, but we were utterly alone. Elves seemed to be ignoring us.
"Am I supposed to answer that, your highness?" I asked, with a smile at her.
"Indeed, Minnow, you are my only true friend," she said, expectantly. "You must tell me."
We stopped and looked at each other.
"Yes and no," I said, slowly and a little apologetically. "I think you have the right to pride - you are very beautiful… but perhaps you do not need to labour the point so much? But I do not think you are superficial…"
Elwen looked into the distance. "Perhaps I have listened too much when my worth was said to be only what I am, not what I can do. I will try harder in these talks: I know I can contribute. She also said I would marry someone who cared not for my looks! What can you suppose that means!"
"Perhaps a blind man?" I said, and she laughed. "Can she see the future?"
"I think it is perhaps… a suggestion. I should marry someone who is disinterested in beautiful princesses. Although such a man will be hard to find… although perhaps not in the north," she mused.
We walked on. I was deep in my thoughts about what Galadriel had said to me.
"Do you think it is selfish of me to take an immortal lover? One who is… revered by his kind?" I asked, at length.
"Yes, fantastically so. Oh, do not look so surprised! I am proud of you. You often put others' needs before your own and hide what you need or want… Besides. Women need to be more selfish, this is not an Age for the meek. Make your demands on Glorfindel," she said, laughing. "I am sure he will acquiesce to your every desire."
I smiled at her, thinking it through.
"Oh! They are going to throw a ball! Or at least a dance. I wonder how it will compare with Gondorian balls…" said Elwen, who began talking of dances, and dresses, and what jewels she should wear.
A few days later, Elrond took me to Lothlorien's own healing halls, where there were few patients, but many books for me to read, and many interesting new herbs. It was the first lesson of my apprenticeship, and it was fascinating. I had never seen the strange smelling herbs that Elves grew before: they had not come up in the curriculum in the Healer's Hall in Minas Tirith. Secretive Elves, I thought. They should share their healing knowledge. Elrond told me that I could visit and read the reference books while the rest of the Elves were in their talks.
"Are they going well?" I asked, as we sat and drank some tea together. It was like old times, I thought. Except it was far more peaceful… at least in some ways. He sighed. Galadriel was being demanding, as usual, Gil-galad evasive and Anarion was doing surprisingly well.
"I'm glad," I said, and I was.
"You have met Lady Celebrian," he said, a little shyly.
"Very… tall," I said. He laughed. "Good singing voice."
"She was unforgivably rude to you," he said, sadly. "I am sorry for that."
It was interesting that Elrond was the one apologising for her poor behaviour, I thought. And that he could see her faults and still loved her.
"She has a very high opinion of Glorfindel… and herself!" I said, with a smile.
"She is determined to get him," he said.
"She has long since failed," I said. "They would be a bad match, I think."
Elrond sipped his tea. "The first time I saw her, she was dancing with Gil-galad, laughing. She had flowers in her hair."
"I like your hair more. It is still my favourite," I said with a smile. He had looped his long hair into strange knots again. He was the only Elf I had seen do this so far: I wondered what it meant, but it seemed like too personal a question.
"Ai, Minnow, you are a tonic for the soul. Do I give up hope? It is clear she does not consider me worthy to be her suitor. Should I draw a line under this?" he asked, looking downhearted. I didn't entirely understand why he wanted her so badly, but I thought they would be a better couple than her and Glorfindel. Elrond would give her some understanding of the world, and she would give him confidence and support.
But I was surprised that he was asking me for advice, and not confiding in his friends. But then, he could not ask Glorfindel for he was too close to the matter, and Gil-galad's advice was vague - except when he was advising me to shout at Glorfindel. Elrond had helped me with Glorfindel, I thought. I owed it to him to try.
"I do now know about that. But… I think what Celebrian needs most is a friend. Why is she still pursuing Glor?"
"I imagine her mother believes he is the only one worthy of being her son-in-law," said Elrond, carefully.
I chewed my lip. I wasn't sure what to say: to me it seemed like she had no self-respect. Why chase after someone who doesn't want you? But I couldn't say that to Elrond, who was clearly pining after her. If Elrond liked her, she must be worthy of it.
"I think you are worthy. And I think one day she will be worthy of you," I said, eventually.
"You are surprisingly like Glorfindel sometimes," he said.
"Occasionally we are both right," I said, with a smile.
A few days later, when I had exhausted the reference books in Lothlorien, made lots of notes, and even a few drawings of new herbs, and rowed Elwen about on the river a few times, Glorfindel told me he had a treat for me. He had arranged for me to visit the highly secret female bathing spot.
"I know you are fond of a bath," he said, with a smile. "But I cannot take you."
He introduced me to a beautiful elleth with long midnight hair and bright green eyes. They spoke quickly in Quenya and turned to me, and my heart squeezed in jealousy. I wished I could understand the language.
"This is Janariel, she is one of Lady Celebrian's handmaidens, and we share a long history. She will be pleased to take you."
I bowed the Elvish way and thanked her.
"You are not what I was expecting, but then, Glorfindel has always been a little unusual," she told me as we walked down a staircase. The baths were situated on a series of hot springs, she told me, and a short walk through the forest.
"You have known each other a long time?" I asked, a little shyly.
"Indeed, I am one of the few who still dwell in Arda that knew him before he died," she said.
"You're from Gondolin?" I asked in awe. She smiled at me.
"I dwelled there for a time. I crossed from Valinor with Glorfindel. I am close friends with his sister."
Valar above, his sister. I couldn't wait to meet her - although I was rather nervous about it.
She took me into the female bathing houses, which were made of wood and smelled divine. There were steam rooms, wet rooms, and pools of all different temperatures. We sank down into one of them.
"Ai, this is perfection," I muttered in Westron, thinking of all the long months I had spent without a bath, sleeping on uncomfortable mats on the ground, my bones aching. And now I was in an Elvish bath! Truly, there was much to be thankful for.
I wondered if they had any hair oil to rival Elrond's.
"You are the darkest second-born I have ever met," said a familiar voice just as I was dozing off. I flinched, and turned.
It was a little awkward to be naked in front of Celebrian, but that was the stark reality. She lowered herself into the pool opposite me.
"Valar help me," I muttered to myself.
"Valar above, you are beautiful," I said, without thinking. Her long body was pale, and her long hair gave her a little bit of modesty. My own hair was becoming more and more frizzy in the heat.
She smiled at me, benignly.
"I am the most beautiful and eligible elleth in Arda. Everyone says so," she said, composedly.
I wondered if she had met Elwen yet. What would they make of each other? Either they would get on like a house on fire, or be strict enemies. I could not imagine anything in between. It would be interesting to watch.
But I would not make the same mistake twice: I had underestimated Elwen, and thought her vain and silly, but underneath the entitlement was a lonely woman who wanted connection, and who was truly kind. Could the same be said for this elleth who was infatuated with my Elf?
"I do not doubt that, Lady Celebrian," I said, carefully. "Most humans from Tolfalas are as dark as I am. Further south, humans are even darker."
There was a long pause.
"I would speak to you about the Lord of the House of the Golden Flower of Gondolin," she said, idly drawing patterns in the water with her fingertips. This was a strange place for a conversation, I thought, but as all the other elleths left the bathhouse, I realised that this was premeditated. She wanted a private conversation with me.
"As you wish."
"My mother says he is the most powerful Elf in Arda, and he is from a noble house - my mother's house. He is the handsomest of all Elves. And so, I have chosen him," she said, after a while. She had still not made eye contact with me.
I didn't really understand.
"But he has chosen me," I gently reminded her.
"For now. But you are no rival, my mother says. If he will not be persuaded to give you up and you are so determined to keep him, then I will simply wait until you have perished of old age," she said in an alarmingly sweet manner. She looked up at me and I caught her crystal blue eyes.
Somehow Celebrian was even scarier than her mother. I stared at her symmetrical and almost guileless face in horror.
"How can someone so beautiful say - even think - something so ugly?" I asked her, truly shocked.
"Your life is short and insignificant, as are all second-born," she said. "My mother says that it is the elleth that chooses the ellon. I have chosen the best and I deserve only the best. It would be better for you to give him up."
A distant part of me felt heartily sorry for Celeborn, but a larger part wondered if I was being threatened.
"Is that why you like him? Because he's the best?" I asked, incredulously.
"He is a hero of great renown, from a noble house, revered amongst our people. My mother says-"
"My mother says, my mother says! What does Celebrian think? Does she have her own thoughts?" I snapped.
Celebrian looked at me, serious and annoyed.
"You do not come from a noble house, you have no mother living and no father who would own you. You do not know what it is to be guided by greatness," she said, calmly, but I could see I had unsettled her a little.
So Celebrian knew who my father was as well, I thought, bitterly. Did everyone know?
"At least I know myself and my own heart! You want to marry someone you do not even know!"
"I have known him for hundreds of years-"
"What does he see in you?" I snapped.
"Lord Glorfindel?" she asked, again, a little unsettled.
"No, Elrond. He has such a high opinion of you," I said. Glorfindel hadn't told me anything about her, apart from that she would not stop talking (and how her company was unbearable but I could hardly repeat that. Although it would be hilarious…) and that I should not toy with her.
Celebrian looked confused.
"The half-Elf? I know him but little," she said, crinkling up her nose.
"Indeed? I would have thought you had much to talk about being amongst the few Elves I've met who possess magic? Don't you talk about that?" I asked, suddenly confused.
"I need not look to any opinions other than my mother and father's, and my own," she said, a little patronisingly.
I felt a little sorry for her. Her circle was clearly small. It occurred to me that she didn't have any real friends to tell her what she needed to hear. She was surrounded by handmaidens who would do her bidding, and the rest of the realm seemed entranced by her.
Glorfindel didn't want her - hadn't wanted her long before I showed up - and she didn't understand rejection. She had never faced it before.
I also wondered how old she was. Older than me, yes, hundreds of years older, but what did that mean for an Elf? Was I talking to the equivalent of a lovestruck thirteen year old dealing with their first inappropriate crush?
I should be the bigger person, I thought.
"If I were to offer you advice, it would be this, Lady Celebrian. Do not waste your life - long as it is - waiting for someone who does not and will never love you. Choose yourself, instead. And think about what pain you would have caused Glorfindel if he ever found out you had told me you are waiting until I die. You do not love him - you don't even care about him! I think you are better than this. Elrond certainly does."
I wrenched myself out of the pool, and stomped away as angrily as you can do if you are naked and looking for a towel.
As I furiously pulled on my clothes, I thought about this wretched love triangle that was now a love rectangle. Celebrian had a lot of growing up to do. I had never met anyone so obtusely selfish. I would not say to Elrond to choose himself, but his love for Celebrian, however misguided I thought it was, was certainly more selfless than hers. Perhaps he saw some potential in her that I could not see. What was the point of eternal life if you stayed as selfish and clueless as an inexperienced girl, I thought, morosely.
Janariel was waiting for me outside the bathhouse.
"I am sorry," she said, walking serenely behind me as I tried to angrily run back to my talan. "I must do what my lady asks of me."
"Must you?"
I slammed the talan door shut and hid under the covers and cried.
Later, when Glorfindel came back to the talan, I tried to tell him what had happened, but he seemed so happy I was making friends that I couldn't. Instead, I pulled him close to me to reassure myself that he was mine, and I was his, and we were together.
"Ai," he said, as I pulled off his tunic. "I see you are very grateful for the bath…"
I licked his ear and he breathed in sharply.
"Ai!" he whispered and picked me up. Holding me against the wall of the talan, he lightly bit my neck and I wrapped my legs around him.
Again, we did not talk much that night - but I did sleep well.
But eventually, I had to talk to him about Galadriel and Celebrian. But I did not know how. At dinners we went to, whether they were large or small, they were both always there, and talking in Quenya in front of me to Glorfindel. Elrond hovered around, looking stricken.
Erestor just looked amused by the whole thing.
I wandered over to get another glass of wine.
"It is said that much can be understood from the way a person reacts to things which are out of their control and do not go their own way," said a low voice behind me. I turned and bowed to Lord Celeborn who was, rather disconcertingly, smiling at me.
"I suppose this is yet another test I have failed," I said, wryly.
"Indeed, no, Lady Minnow. I perceive little jealousy in your heart," he said. I glanced over at Celebrian who was still talking to Glorfindel. She was beautiful and elegant in ways I could only aspire to be, but while she may think I was no rival to her, I knew the truth. Elves put much store in beauty, I thought, but that was not why you fell in love with someone.
"You wish me to tell you that she is beautiful and accomplished? Surely you already know that," I said, after a pause.
"Nay, I would rather have the truth," he said.
"I think she is spoiled and entitled," I replied.
To my great surprise, he threw back his head and laughed.
"Of course she is spoiled, she is the daughter of powerful Elves who have done much to protect her from the evils of the world! She has wanted for nothing, and always had the best of everything. She is entitled, in all the meanings of the word."
Perhaps I could have forgiven her pride if she had not wounded mine, I thought. I considered Celeborn as a father. Suddenly I was glad that I had no father: my grandmother had steered me well, I thought, and I would do well to heed her lessons.
"Does she have any particular friends?"
Celeborn gave me a curious look. "Indeed, I do not think so."
"Then perhaps there are things she wants for, even if she does not realise it," I said.
"I do not pretend to have any knowledge of the future, but I think you and she will become great friends," he said, with a smile.
"You can hardly be serious," I said, aghast, switching back to Westron. "Lady Galadriel and Lady Celebrian have made their opinion of me very clear."
"I'm afraid my lady wife and I have very different approaches. She wishes to guide Cele at every turn, and I would like her to make her own decisions without our influence," he said. "I love my daughter, despite her faults, and I know that it will all come to a happy conclusion."
"You are from the same school of philosophy as Gil-galad," I said, annoyed.
"He, too, is patient," said Celeborn, and shot Erestor a look. He bowed and walked away.
I downed the rest of my wine and told Elrond I was going to sleep. Glorfindel caught up with me as I was making my way up the staircase to our talan. He quizzed me about my conversation with Celeborn, and I told him everything - but he gave no reply. He looked thoughtful.
"Are you close with Galadriel?" I asked.
"She is my cousin," he said, simply. "She is wise, as is Celeborn, but in a different way. She sees visions in her mirror, Valar knows what. Sauron was terrified of her. Hated her."
I was not pleased to have something in common with Sauron.
"And they always come true, her visions?"
"Not everything is set, just what is in the Song," he said. I grumpily took off my clothes. I was not in the Song, I thought, annoyed. This again. Fate.
"Ai," I said, morosely to myself.
The ball drew near. As Glorfindel was away so often, I decided to get ready for the Elvish ball to welcome Gil-galad home and rejoice at the death of Sauron at Elwen's talan.
There were dresses and shoes everywhere. She was not coping well without a large group of dedicated maids and handmaidens, I thought.
"An Elvish dance!" sighed Elwen. "I am sick of talks. I want to dance! So many Elves to dance with! And we will see their fashions so I can copy them directly. Valar be praised, finally some good has come of this dreadful war."
I decided to ignore this.
"I need a dress, a dress that says that I am worthy of Glorfindel, that says I deserve him," I told her. "I do not think anything I have with me will suffice." I showed her my bronze dress and she shook her head.
"Probably not. You have very plain taste," she said, looking through her dresses.
"What do you think of Lady Celebrian?" I asked.
"She is the Elvish version of me: a princess and the most beautiful of her people, the most talented musically. Beloved," Elwen said, holding up dresses and looking at them. "This won't do."
I lay back on Elwen's bed. I didn't feel the need to tell her that she wasn't exactly beloved by all her people. Riots seemed very far away right now.
"Are you looking forward to going to Arnor?" I asked. I couldn't wait to be in Lindon.
Elwen sighed. "Sometimes I think that all I do is move from the saucepan into the fire and back again. I would like a home. And Annie would never tell me what to do or who to marry. Isildur would marry me off for political gain. To some old man."
I smiled sadly at her.
"You have your own problems of course."
I told her about Celebrian, but not everything. "She is more beautiful than even me. You cannot compete with her," she said, a little dreamily.
"Thanks a lot," I muttered. Elwen laughed at me.
"Indeed, you do not need to. Glorfindel is so devoted to you, I have never seen anyone so attentive."
"The Elves here oppose it," I said, morosely.
"But yes, these Elves do not like you. I would advise you not to try to make them. Elves are not to be persuaded. My father realised that. Instead, show them the truth."
"That Glorfindel loves me and I love him?" I asked.
"Yes. And celebrate who you are. For you are quite pretty sometimes," said Elwen, earnestly.
"I can see why you are beloved by your people," I said, wryly, and Elwen grinned at me, pleased. She chucked over a plain light green dress. It reminded me of the sea, and that made me smile.
I tied up Glorfindel's necklace into my hair, so the flower rested like a jewel on my forehead, and Elwen put a little rouge on my lips. She looked stunning, as usual, in light purple velvet that was rather low cut.
Anarion met us outside and told us we both looked beautiful, and walked us down into the hollow that the Elves liked to use for gatherings. There were candles everywhere, and I could hear a harp playing.
"Just two women in the heart of an Elven forest - let's show them what we're made of!" whispered Elwen as we walked down the stairs together. She squeezed my hand.
I looked around for Glorfindel in the sea of white blond heads, but I could not see them. Anarion bowed to us and said he had to go and speak to Amroth now.
Luckily for us, Erestor appeared out of nowhere, wearing scarlet and looking more mischievous than ever. He pushed the two of us and took our arms, guiding us around the throngs of Elves.
"Please don't fight over which one of you gets to dance with me first. I am prepared to be equally attentive to you both, but I do not want to destroy any friendships!"
I could not help laughing at him.
Elwen's eyes sparkled. "I claim your hand for the first dance, for Minnow has already made an Elvish conquest and I am yet to do so!"
"I will deposit you with Elrond and do as the princess bids," said Erestor, steering us through the crowds.
The Noldor must prefer darker colours, I thought. Erestor's deep scarlet tunic and Elrond's dark blue contrasted with the swarms of Elves around us who were all clothed in silvery tunics and dresses that sparkled in the moonlight.
I was very interested to see that Gil-galad was also wearing a deep purple colour. Where was Glorfindel, I wondered.
"Nice tiara," I said to Elrond. He rolled his eyes, and smiled.
"It is a circlet of mithril made by Celebrimbor himself," said a low feminine voice. Galadriel was behind me, and wholly unamused by my facetious comment. I bowed to her and she narrowed her eyes.
She looked at the golden flower pendant in my hair, and then her eyes flicked down to meet mine.
"Do your people often wear necklaces in their hair?" she asked, a little derisively.
"It becomes you. You look very well," said Elrond.
"You look happy, Minnow," said a familiar voice.
He was wearing a simple pale green tunic that made everyone look overdressed. My eyes lingered on his broad shoulders and the braids in his hair. He smelled of flowers and I breathed it in, smiling broadly. We were wearing very similar colours and I was very grateful to Elwen.
"King Amroth requests your presence Glorfindel, and yours too Elrond," said Galadriel, serenely.
"I will join you shortly," he replied, not taking his eyes from me. But then he turned and looked out at the dancers. A muscle in his jaw moved. I realised Glorfindel was wound tighter than I had seen him before.
"Have I done wrong by wearing your necklace in this fashion?" I asked him, softly.
He smiled and stroked my bare arm. "Not at all. I have had an unpleasant talk." He sighed.
"About what?" I said. But he ignored me.
"I would ask you to dance, but your first dance has already been claimed," he said. I started, alarmed. My education, as shared with Lind, had not included Elvish dances - at least not like this. But the dancing was far less regimented than human dancing, and slower. But there was a lot of twirling, and they were all moving in the same direction - in a circle around a small Mallorn.
Elves and their trees, I thought.
But a smiling friend approached me and I was not worried. Gil-galad led me onto the dancefloor and together, we danced in circles with the other Elves around the young tree.
Erestor was laughing at something an elleth was saying as he was dancing with her.
Was it my imagination or did Gil-galad's eyes turn to Erestor more than was strictly necessary?
Glorfindel had not returned when the dance ended, but I was at no loss for partners. Erestor twirled me around, and then Elrond and then Lindir. Even Celeborn asked me for a dance, and I found I liked him after all.
The wine was excellent, even though I only had a few sips as I was on my best behaviour.
"Have you come to dance with me?" I asked as Glorfindel approached me. I had been watching Elwen being twirled around by Gil-galad.
"I wish to dance with only you," he said. He reached out a hand and I took it, grinning at him. I could feel many eyes on me as I walked with him onto the dancefloor to join the other Elves, and I knew I was blushing heavily. He held me close and then swirled me round, and round until I was dizzy.
"Seeing you here with me in an Elvish land makes it real. We are no longer at war. I'm returning to Lindon with you, Minnow," he said in a low voice. I beamed at him.
The dance changed and he led me through the people and into the woods, and pushed me against a Mallorn.
He kissed me deeply, and pressed himself against me. I put my hands around his neck and sank into his embrace.
"I like that you have declared yourself mine," he whispered into my ear, and started kissing my neck.
It was funny, I thought as Glorfindel light bit my neck, that he had been so uptight about sex before and now I could feel his arousal pressing into me in what was a fairly public area. Distantly, I could hear the music of the ball and low chattering voices.
He pulled my hair back, kissed a pressure point, and I groaned.
"Lord Glorfindel," said a voice not far off.
He sighed, let me go and turned. An Elf I didn't recognise spoke briefly in Quenya to him while looking purposefully at the trees.
"I am summoned back to speak to Lady Galadriel," he said, holding his hand out to me.
Of course he was, I thought, slightly annoyed.
"I need a moment," I said, smiling and watched them walk away. I leaned against the Mallorn tree and looked up at the stars. This was a magical place, but I found I could not relax here. I felt like I was being watched by thousands of eyes.
I wandered round the edge of the ball, unwilling to enter the ball again.
Could I hear someone crying? I peeked through the trees, unsure whether I should go and help the crying Elf. Would my presence even be wanted, I thought, uncertainly.
It was Erestor.
"Are you well, my friend?" I asked in Sindarin, rushing over to him and kneeling beside him. He was sitting with his back against a great Mallorn and he looked uncharacteristically distraught.
"Oh Minnow!" he said, and grabbed me, hugging me tight. Erestor's emotions always seemed so close to the surface, but he was such a merry Elf, so full of optimism and hope even in the darkest of places, that I was shocked to see him upset amongst his people. I rubbed his back consolingly.
"I was drinking with the Elves who make the sparkling wine for a time, and then I decided to make my way back before I became too… inebriated. And I walked among the trees for a time, thinking of my youth and not where I was going. I got lost, and decided to climb up a tree to see where I was… but then two elves came to speak privately under the tree and I could not avoid overhearing what they had to say without revealing myself."
"An unfortunate series of events that is not your fault," I said. Erestor sighed.
"The two elves were not unknown to me, " he said, drawing back and looking into my eyes.
"What they said upset you?" I asked. What could they be speaking about that upset Erestor so much?
"One of them is in love with me," said Erestor, morosely.
Do not laugh, I told myself.
"Well," I said, stupidly.
"I am not ready for someone to fall in love with me."
"I can see that," I said, measuredly.
"And an Ellon!"
"Hmmm," I replied. How drunk was Erestor, I wondered. What on Middle Earth did he consider 'too inebriated'? Would he remember this in the morning?
"The other Elf was Elrond… and the Elf spoke to Elrond about how… hard it was to see me dance with elleths, and how he could never speak of his feelings…"
"Elrond is the best of confidants," I offered.
Elrond was quite good at manoeuvring his friends so that the object of their affection might overhear their confession, I thought. What a devious Elf! But would this gamble pay off?
"He said he would not speak of it to me, he could not dare, for it was clear I did not think of him in that way. And usually, just to be near me... to be friends with me... was enough, but sometimes it overpowered him..."
"Well, I'm glad he has Elrond to comfort him."
"I did not mean to cause any pain! I know my manners are too open, Glorfindel is always telling me I say everything that comes into my head. But I do not think I can return it, " he said.
"It sounds like it is not expected of you," I said, gently. "Your admirer is content to love you from afar."
"I thought it a great joke, big fool that I am. Love. How diverting - Elrond is in love with Celebrian and she thinks the sun shines out of Glorfindel's arse… What fools, I thought. Unrequited love, so silly. And here I am, gadding about, while…" he hiccuped.
He was a lot drunker than I realised.
"But hic! it is hic! a great honour hic! to be loved by-" he stopped and looked at me. "I do not deserve it."
"I thought Gil-galad was revered far and wide for his good judgement," I teased him. Erestor was so shocked he stopped hiccuping.
"Minnow! You are very observant. Or did Glorfindel tell you?" asked Erestor.
"Glorfindel has not confided in me on this subject. But I have eyes. He is very subtle, but I begin to understand our enigmatic king."
"Ai! A mortal woman realises before me. And I have known the king for three hundred years. But I am not a serious elf. Glorfindel says I am a 'flibbertigibbet'. And Gil-galad is the high king. The high king, Minnow!" he hissed.
"Glorfindel's bark is worse than his bite, as you well know. I do not think Gil-galad is entirely serious, he's just very… serene," I said.
"Not when he has a sword or a spear in his hand and sweat on his brow. Valar above, Minnow, you should see how the orcs fled from him," said Erestor with awe in his voice. "He ran at Sauron, as if he did not fear him at all, and pierced him with his sword. He is courageous and a tireless warrior!"
"And yet, he is not intimidating in person," I mused. Gil-galad was reserved, I thought, and rather gentle.
"You know, I saw his fea when he lay half-dead on that cursed land, and you brought me to him. I felt his fea reach out and briefly, it touched me." He sounded pensive.
Erestor lay back and looked up at the sky. I tilted my head up and looked at the stars which were visible above the trees.
"I have never looked for a partner among the Elves, I thought to roam Middle Earth unattached, in love with the trees and nature and life. I do not have greatness in me, like Gil-galad, I am just a silly half-elf, " he said, a little sadly.
"I think your silliness is part of your charm, and it is even a strength. Sometimes a little levity is needed in dark times," I said. Erestor turned and looked at me, pensievely.
"Gil-galad once said to Elrond that you change everyone around you. Are you changing me?" he said, changing back into Westron.
"It is most unconsciously done! And I do not think you need to change."
"This Age is ending. A new Age will begin soon. Change is coming," he said, looking up again.
"That is true," I said, disconcerted. Elves were sometimes very strange. It was easy to forget that Erestor was an immortal being, hundreds (maybe thousands) of years old, however young he looked (and acted).
"Did you know that Elrond is my uncle?" he asked, suddenly, his tone changing. I had not, and expressed surprise. He launched into his personal history - how he was born in Numenor, one of Elros' younger sons, and how he ran away to Middle Earth to find his erstwhile uncle.
As we walked back to the ball, listening to his chatter, I wondered if Erestor would become prince consort when they married.
"You look smug," accused Glorfindel, as Erestor deposited me with him and dashed off.
"I know something you don't know," I told him. Glorfindel muttered in Quenya.
"I do not want to be burdened with any more knowledge," he said.
"That is not a very Elvish attitude!" I said, smiling.
"I am an Elf so any attitude I have is Elvish!" he said with a smile. I rolled my eyes.
"You said at the next ball, you would dance with me and only me."
"Have I not kept my word? I have not danced with anyone else."
"But I want to dance again! You have only danced with me once."
"I will take her off your hands!" cried Erestor, who came bounding back with a glass of wine for me. I was interested to see that he had a large glass of water for himself.
"She is most troublesome, but I will dance with her if I must," Glorfindel told Erestor, and took my hand and dragged me into the dance.
"There's the elf I know and whose possessions I throw into trees."
Glorfindel merely smiled at me and twirled me around.
As we danced, I watched as Erestor made a beeline for Gil-galad and dragged him into the dance as well. The high king looked a little bemused, but I saw that Erestor was trying to twirl him around.
I laughed.
Glorfindel gave me a sharp look and I rolled my eyes at him. "Dancing with me should be an honour and you should not be looking at other Elves," he chastised with a smile.
"This is an exciting and eventful evening. You need to up your game to keep my attention," I told him. He held me closer and spun me round and I couldn't keep my eyes off him.
Glorfindel was leading me away from the ball when Elwen suddenly reappeared.
"MINNOW! I have been looking all over for you! I danced with ten Elves! And I danced with three kings tonight!" she gushed, grabbing my sleeves. Her face was rather flushed.
"That is not likely to happen again," I marvelled.
"Glorfindel is glaring at me, I think he wants to take you back to your talan, but not before I tell you about the dress Lady Miruva was wearing! It was embroidered with mithril, Minnow, mithril!" she said, breathlessly.
"Glorfindel can glare all he wants, he's not in charge of me!" I said mischievously.
An arm reached round my waist and Glorfindel hoisted me over his shoulder.
"I will see you tomorrow, Elwen!" I said, waving at a slightly shocked looking Elwen. Glorfindel made it back to our talan in record time, and laying me down on our bed, he pulled his necklace over my head and laid the flower pendant above my heart. Then he undid my dress and chemise, slowly, almost lazily, and kissed my collarbone, then my ribs, my belly button, and then my inner thigh.
"Am I keeping your attention now, Minnow?" asked Glorfindel in a low voice.
"Depends on what you do next, Elf," I said, daringly.
He raised his eyebrow at me and spread his large palm across my navel, and then dipped his head.
"Ai!" I gasped.
The two weeks went past quickly, and soon we would be leaving. The talks had gone well, and Anarion had strengthened his alliance with the Elves - or so Elwen told me. But they were keen to leave and get to Arnor, and the Lindon Elves wished to stay a few days longer.
It looked like we were to go our separate ways sooner than I realised. I had not said goodbye to Berendine, so I wrote her and Joy a letter.
Anarion, rather than Elwen, took it. We had met in the woods as I walked to Elwen's talan.
"May I speak to you?" asked Anarion. He had not shaved while in Lothlorien, and had a patchy beard which suited him well. I made a face. "I'm your king and I demand this one audience. Minnow, please."
I didn't want to, but felt I must.
We walked in silence for a while.
"Our paths will diverge soon."
"Indeed."
"I wish you great happiness in Lindon," he said. "And I know you have made your choice, but do you understand, truly understand what you have chosen?"
All I could do was blink at Anarion in surprise. He looked worried, I thought. But I felt I was spending more time defending our relationship than actually having one. And I did not want to speak to him about it.
"If at any point you are unhappy, then you must know you will be welcomed in Arnor," he said.
I snapped back at him that the only one who had ever made me unhappy was Isildur.
"I do not think that is true, Minnow," he said, with sad eyes, and I relented. I had argued with Glorfindel, and we did on occasion, still misunderstand each other, but it was nothing to how hurt I had been by Isildur.
"I will not compare any misunderstanding between me and Glorfindel to what your brother did," I said, sharply.
"I did not mean that. But let me tell you once and for all, I love you. I have loved you for a long time, and I am sorry I did not protect you from my brother. I am sorry I did not listen to you. But I offer to you everything. My hand in marriage. My heart. A crown."
"I am going to Lindon," I said, stiffly, angry at him.
"Yes, to live with an Elf who cannot marry you!"
"That is not his fault!" I shouted.
"Be pragmatic, Minnow, that is your strength! What rights do you have as his companion? Will the Elves in Lindon accept you? Gil-galad is your friend, but the Elves of this forest did not even want to let you in! Galadriel wants him for a son-in-law, and the most beautiful elf in the forest is throwing herself constantly at his feet! Do you think you can compete with that?"
"Oh, I see! Even you do not think I'm good enough for him!"
"The social pressure on him is immense! Who could stand up to a whole kingdom wanting him to marry their princess?!"
I spluttered with anger.
"You just said it was because I don't compare with a beautiful elf!"
"I've always thought you were beautiful, you know you are very pretty, but that is not why I love you," he said, angrily.
"You only want me because you can't have me!" I snarled.
"I want you because you make me feel safe and you're the only woman I've ever loved!" he shouted.
For a moment, we both stared at each other. We were breathing heavily, and both crying, I saw. He brushed away some tears, and looked up at the sky for a second. With a pang, I realised that Anarion had never looked more handsome, his light brown hair falling unexpectedly artfully across his tanned but upset face - so different from the Elves around me who were so pale and cold to touch.
For a second, I wondered what it would be like to feel his stubble on my cheek, and then immediately felt horrified.
I had never even thought of kissing anyone other than Glorfindel. I felt somehow like I had betrayed him. It was only a thought, only a slip of a thought, I told myself, desperately.
"I want you to be safe," began Anarion again, in a calmer voice. Neither of us were looking at the other.
"I can look after myself," I said, stubbornly.
"And what of jealousy? At least my love for you isn't jealous - I say nothing of the fact that you share your body with another - I still offer you my hand. Can you say his love isn't jealous? He can barely look at me. And tell me - have you spoken to him of children?"
"Children?" I asked, alarmed.
"I have been watching him. He avoids Joy. He avoids you when you are with Joy. He will not have children with you."
"You cannot know that," I cried. Is this what he wanted to talk about - children ?
"I can!" he snapped. "He will not have children with a mortal. He will not watch them die. I know that. And I think you do, too. I think you are burying many things deep, and that is how you survive, Minnow-"
"How dare you! How dare you? " I gasped.
"This will break you," he said, desperately. "One of you will leave the other."
Why did people keep saying that to me, I thought, feeling manic.
"He won't leave me. He said he won't. We will be happy together," I gasped, tears flowing down my face again.
"Then you will leave him," he replied, firmly.
This was too much for me.
"You just want someone to help you rule!" I snapped.
"Is that so wrong, Minnow? Is it really so wrong to want you to help me with this burden - for it is a burden. It is a big responsibility! Someone who sees how the world really is - and knows how it should be and has the courage to ask for - to demand change?"
"I am no queen," I said, stoutly. "And this is your burden, not mine."
"You are a leader, more so than me. You could change the world Minnow. You already have. But I just want you to be safe, and with someone who loves you and will give you everything you need and want."
"It's not you," I said, savagely, wiping my tears on my sleeve.
He looked at me beseechingly and then sighed.
"Remember that you have a house in Cardolan. You will have need of it before the end," he said.
He bowed at me, then looked at me searchingly. Tears were streaming from his eyes. I had a wild desire to run at him and slap him, and an even wilder desire to kiss him. I turned away, furious with everyone, but most of all myself. He walked away, and the next morning, he and Elwen left. I embraced her and cried, promising to write, and realising that I was all alone with the Elves now.
I did not see them again for almost two years.
Thank you to everyone who is reading - and everyone who commented! Please leave a comment if you like the story - I love reading them a lot.