=/\= It's Paramounts.
Ya don't want to know the inspiration for this. Isn't it strange that I always make you Janeway when I hate you? But I can understand what Chakotay's feeling though, so maybe I don't hate him as much as I thought I do.
C, PG. Nothing more than one man's mental anguish.
The Right Decision.
I gave up today.
Today I made a decision not to waste my time with her anymore.
She's a cold woman, and I can't warm her up, as hard as I try.
I don't know how she can go through life trying to pretend that she doesn't have emotions. I've overheard some of the junior crew talking, some of say that she must be a Vulcan. And at this point, I don't think I'd disagree with them.
There's supposed to be a rapport between a Captain and her First Officer, but what's the point if she never tells me anything? She doesn't tell me what she's going to do; she doesn't include me in her plans, she doesn't need me around. She could run the ship perfectly fine by herself.
I used to be able to learn some small things through her movements, expressions, and even the look in her eyes. But I learned that none of that was true; it was a mask she was wearing to fool us all.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, oh look, you *can't* fool me twice, I'm not there to fool anymore, am I?
It's slipping, it's all slipping away, I'm letting it, but she won't let me leave. Every time the distance gets to a certain point, she reaches out.
A simple gesture, an invitation to dinner, a hand on my arm, that *fake* smile she throws my way sometimes, and I think how wrong it would be to leave her. How alone she seemed before, and how much she seems to need me now.
And I admit, she does need me to a certain degree, but not enough for me to stay around, not enough for me to waste my time with her like this.
I already know that we'll never be more than friends.
But even as a friend she won't let me in. She's scared she'll get hurt, she won't let anyone get close enough to see that she might have a few weak spots. That she might not be the strong, fearless leader that they all think she is.
The woman who backs down to nothing, fears nothing, is always right, and never needs help.
Then there's me. The ever so loyal first officer, who's always there. I'm just a lapdog to her. Sometimes I stop and think, no, maybe not. So I try to guide her, offer suggestions, show her other ways, and then she ignores them. That's when I know I'm making the right decision.
So anything other than a working relationship is terminated from this point onward. She can order me around, and I'll just shut up and do whatever it is she wants me to. She can invite me to dinner, put her hand on my arm, smile her fake smile, and she'll get the same reaction from me every time.
None.
Because, I'm sorry Kathryn, I don't need you in my life anymore.
Just like you don't need me.
~ End ~
Ó manerva 2000