Once again, be warned -- Mary-Sue alert!
"Make me!"
"Don't you realize I can't concentrate in a messy room?"
"Concentrate on what? What are you doing that's oh so important?"
"I'm...I'm..." Rimmer was having trouble thinking of something.
"Come on Rimmer, it can't be that important if you don't even know what it is."
"I'm...writing my memoirs. That's it. I'm writing my memoirs, and I need a clean room to do it in."
"Finally, you're doing something useful. Now whenever parents want to tell their children what not to do in life, they can hand them your memoirs and say 'Read this, and if you turn out anything like that I'll kill 'ya.'"
Lister was almost sorry he'd gotten on Rimmer's case. It looked almost like he was actually doing something, which was definitely a step up from his usual moping. However, Lister still couldn't see the old spark in Rimmer's eyes, the one that appeared at the mere thought of becoming an officer.
"I'm off to meet Cat at the pub. Are you sure you won't join us? Not even just to get out of the room for a while?"
"I'm just not up to it right now. Maybe another time."
"Well, if you feel like joining us any time, you know where we'll be."
As he walked to the pub, Lister couldn't help but be reminded of his worries about Rimmer. He
was far from calling the man one of his best friends, but they had been through a lot together,
and it really bugged him to see Rimmer this way. Well, the drink would help to take the worries
away.
* * *
"Captain Hollister, our long-range scans are picking up some kind of man-made object. At it's current speed, it should be here within an hour's time."
"Is there any indication as to what the object is?"
"It appears to be some kind of escape pod. We're starting to pick up signs of a stasis field."
"Then there might be someone inside. Have it brought aboard once it's within range."
* * *
Hollister was looking at the person lying in the escape pod. His technicians were working on lowering the stasis field and he had wanted to be here to greet the inhabitant. Inside was a woman dressed in an all too familiar uniform, little changed over the centuries. No one could mistake the knee-high leather boots, the dark navy pants with the yellow stripe, the red serge jacket, and last but not least, the hat...
He briefly wondered what on earth a Canadian Mountie was doing in deep space.
"Captain, she should be coming to any moment now."
Within moment, the woman's eyes flickered to life. "Where am I? What just happened?"
"I am Captain Hollister, of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel Red Dwarf. We just found your escape pod, and have woken you from stasis."
"What year is it?"
"What year was it the last you remember?"
"2345."
"Add about 3 million to that and you're pretty close to what year it is."
"Oh my." She got up out of the pod, and was soon standing next to Hollister. He could see she was doing her best to keep any trace of emotion off her face. "I'm Constable Jessica Wolfe of the RCMP, though I don't suppose they exist anymore, do they."
"As far as we know, we are the last remaining humans alive. We are many many light years away from our solar system, and we doubt we'll ever see it again."
"Thank you for taking the time to rescue me, Captain."
"It was our duty, and our pleasure. I'm certain we can find a place for you here on Red Dwarf. But, if you'll forgive me, even in 2345, wasn't the RCMP extinct?"
"That's what we wanted everyone to think, Sir. We'd changed with the times, and turned ourselves into an elite police unit out for hire to the highest bidder."
"Then can I assume correctly that your skills are top notch?"
"Yes Sir. In fact, I was known as the best in the force -- nerves of steel, a steady hand, and an unmatched innate sense of justice. I was the last to get off my ship, when I got into the pod. I couldn't leave until the rest were safely off. I wonder if any of them survived..." She looked off into nothingness for a moment. "Forgive me, Captain. It appears it may take me a few moments to adjust to my new situation."
"Take all the time you need. When you're settled, we'll have you fitted with a new uniform. Luckily, one of our bunks was recently vacated. I hope you have no objections to sharing a room."
"None whatsoever. Sir, I don't suppose someone could give me a tour of the ship? I tend to feel more secure once I've had a once over of the terrain."
"Certainly. Kowalski!" A man ran over from the other side of the room. "Escort the Constable to the ship's stores where she can pick up something to wear, take her to her new quarters, 77Z, where she can leave her uniform and meet her new roommate, then take her on a tour of the ship."
"Yes Sir. This way ma'am."
* * *
Rimmer was tired of keeping to his room. It was beginning to feel quite claustrophobic and he decided to join the others in the pub. Parrott's bar looked the same it had always been. He spied the others and walked over to their table. It didn't surprise him to see that Kryten had joined them as well.
"Well, look who's come out of hiding," Lister called out. "How's the memoirs coming along?"
"About as well as your drinking. Pour me a glass, will you?"
Lister took a moment to get over the shock of hearing Rimmer ask for a glass of lager. He never drank lager. Maybe he was sicker than Lister thought.
Shortly thereafter, Lister felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and saw Jane Zimmerman, Kochanski's old roommate. "How's it hangin, Jane?"
"You wouldn't believe this, but I just got m'self a new roommate."
"What?"
"Yeah. Apparently, they just found some escape pod and brought it aboard. The Captain invited her to be part of the crew.
"What do you know about her so far?"
"Well, all I know is what I saw when I got to me room. There was this uniform on the other bunk -- a Canadian Mountie's uniform. What the smeg one of them's been doin in space, I'll never know. I'm off to meet some of the girls. Later."
"Later. Well, how 'bout that. We've got us a live Mountie here on the ship."
"I know their types," Rimmer started. "They're worse than Ace Rimmer. They think just because they're some kind of elite force that they're better than everyone else."
"Well, the reason they're elite is because they usually are."
"Well, she'd better not cross Arnold J. Rimmer, or else she might just get a piece of my mind."
"A piece? Are you sure you have that much left to give?" The Cat finished his glass of lager and poured himself another, catching his reflection in the liquid.
"Well, I'm certain her skills will be a great addition to the crew."
"Oh, shut up Kryten," Rimmer grumbled.
"Smeeeeee, heeeeee."
"Hey guys," piped up Lister. "Look at the bird coming in with Kowalski. I don't suppose that's our new girl, eh?"
They all turned to see Kowalski and Constable Wolfe. She'd changed out of her dress reds into an outfit that wasn't all that different: black slacks and a red blouse. She'd let her long brown hair down now that she wasn't wearing her hat. She slowly scanned the room, examining every sight like a typical police officer. Her face changed once she'd spotted their table. For some reason, she was now extremely excited and she immediately rushed toward them.
"Oh my God, is it really you?" They were all shocked to see her speaking to Rimmer. "You've barely changed. My God, you're still one of the best looking men around." A couple of glasses of lager were soon spit out. The people in the rest of the bar were soon getting quieter. "Oh, where's my manners. I bet I've changed so much you don't remember me. Duke, it's me, Jessie Wolfe."
For the first time in ages, Rimmer's face broke into a smile. "Little Jessie Wolfe? The last time I saw you, you were nine! Wow, you've really changed."
"I know, I kinda grew up a little."
"I mean, you really, really changed."
"You're making me blush. Why don't you introduce me to your friends."
"Yeah, 'Duke', why don't you introduce us," Lister couldn't resist saying.
As Rimmer was making the introductions, Kowalski made his way over to their table. "Constable, it's time to move on to the next part of our tour."
"Just give me a moment. Well, it was really nice meeting you guys. And you," she faced Rimmer, "I will definitely see you later. We have so much to catch up on." She gave him a big hug, then a little kiss on the cheek, after which her face turned the same colour as her blouse. She said a quick goodbye, then left with Kowalski.
As Rimmer looked away from the departing figure, he realized everyone in the pub was staring at him. "What? Haven't you got anything better to do? Go on."
Soon, everyone was back to their drinks and conversations, all but Lister, Cat and Kryten. "So, 'Duke', you're still one of the best-looking guys around, eh?" Lister grinned.
"I seem to remember her having a little crush on me."
"Is that all it was?"
"For God's sake, Lister. She was nine, I was fifteen, and her babysitter."
"Whatever you say, man."
"You mean you sat on her?" The Cat looked confused. "It's a wonder she came out looking
human!"
* * *
Rimmer heard a sound at the door. "Come in."
"Hey Duke, it's Jessie."
"How was the tour?"
"Well, I think I know more about recyc than I ever wanted to know. It shouldn't be hard to keep this place safe. The Captain said he wanted me to check out the prisons. He said in the last few years, there have been several occasions on which inmates were able to break out and pull pranks on each other and ship's officers. He thinks I can solve whatever problems they have.
Rimmer did his best to hide the smirk on his face. "Won't you sit down, make yourself at home."
"Thanks. It's been quite the day. I'm still not fully over the fact that I'm now 3 million years into the future," she said as she sat down at a nearby table.
"You get used to it."
"I'm sure you do. So, what is it you do aboard this ship?"
"Well...I'm an engineer."
"You're lying."
"No I'm not!"
"Yes, you are. Remember, you've never been able to lie to me, Duke. It may have been 16 plus 3 million years ago, but I still know you like the back of my hand."
"I'm Second Technician -- basically in charge of refilling the vending machines."
"That's not so bad. Low pressure job that gets you out into space. It must leave you lots of time for your artwork."
"My what?"
"Don't you remember? You used to make all those beautiful pictures for me. I've even saved my favourite one." She took a folded laminated piece of paper out of her pants pocket and handed it to Rimmer. It was a picture of a fairy tale. In a tall turret stood a princess that looked like a 9 year old Jessie Wolfe, while off in the distance, a knight in shining armour was racing to save her.
"It was all just silliness. These little pictures were meaningless. Just scraps of paper with colour on them."
"They weren't meaningless. I kept every single one of them in an album. That's just the only one I was able to get before entering the escape pod." She thought for a moment. "You still think so little of yourself, don't you?"
"When you're the lowest of the low, what else is there to think." He looked over at Wolfe, whose eyes had started shining with unshed tears. "When I'd heard they'd brought aboard some Mountie, I'd have never thought in a million years, or 3 million for that matter, that it would be you."
"I've changed, Duke."
"I can see that."
"And it's all because of you." Rimmer was quite taken aback. "Remember when I was little and Daddy moved us to Io. He thought, once again, that we could find me a school where the kids wouldn't beat me up, or throw rocks at me, or tease me. I'd given him quite a scare back on earth, when he'd walked in on me cutting my wrist open.
"When I met you, I not only met someone who was going through the same things I was, but I met someone who was doing a better job at surviving it than me. You took me under your wing, so to speak. I felt like, for the first time in my life, someone gave a smeg about me.
"When daddy found that job a year later and moved us away again, I vowed that I would do whatever I could to make you proud of me. I didn't care about what my parents or my teachers or my classmates thought. I just cared about what you would think when next we met. I wanted to hear you say you were proud of me. So, everything I've done, the education I've had, the job with the RCMP, all of it, I did for you."
Rimmer just stared at her. This revelation was the last thing he'd expected. "For me?"
"Yes, Duke."
Rimmer was having difficulty figuring out what it was he was feeling. He had this strange tingling sensation all over that he couldn't describe. When he'd been hired by Mr. Wolfe as Jessie's babysitter, he'd had no idea what to do with a 9-year-old girl. He'd just gone on instinct. He decided that that was the best way to go with Jessie.
Arnold walked over to Jessie and wrapped his arms around her. He didn't have to see her face to know she was crying. He found himself saying words he never thought he'd hear from his own mouth. "I'm proud of you, Jess." That's all it took to get him crying. When they were younger, she'd often run to him, tears streaming from her eyes, telling him the latest things the kids had done to her, and he'd start to cry as well. Her pain had been his. Her pain was still his. And her release was also his.
"Look at us," she laughed through her tears. "We're just a couple of sad-sacks bawling our eyes out for no good reason." She pulled away from him and started wiping the tears from her face. "I think I'd better go to bed. I'll see you in the morning." She rose from her seat and headed for the door.
"Wait, Jess."
"Yes, Duke?"
"I'm really glad you're aboard."
"So am I."
"And Jess..."
"Yes?"
"Could you please not call me 'Duke' in front of the others?"
"No problem, 'Rimmer'. Goodnight."
As the door closed behind Wolfe, Rimmer went to get his pyjamas from the closet. He absently
reached for the paper and watercolours he often used to make up his study timetables. As
Rimmer turned out the light when he finally fell asleep, his hand held on to the newly painted
picture of two birds in flight.