The ride home was unsettlingly quiet. Neither twin dared to turn on the radio. Alfred had even opted to turn it off. Annoyed by the static from the just-out-of-range station he liked to listen to while in town. The only sound left was the low rumble that came from the truck. Even the whisking of fast cars was missing on the empty road.

Slowing to a stop, Alfred sighed as he glanced at his brother. Matthew had shut himself away. Curling into the passenger seat with his gaze fixated on the outside world. Focused on nothing and everything at once as the world whizzed by. It was obvious that Ivan's unexpected appearance had affected him, but Matthew was doing his hardest to hide that. So much so that Alfred no longer had the heart to bring it up, but he knew he had to. They had to at least acknowledge that Ivan was not leaving, and that Matthew was definitely not okay, but then what? Let Matthew go back to how he was in high school? Shut down with eyes that had "vacancy" written all over them? No way!

The light flicked back to green, and Alfred bit his lip. Rolling the truck forward to continue their drive. His mind already miles ahead as he thought of how to bring up what happened. He wanted to at least make sure Matthew knew he was there for him. If nothing else, but he would love for Matthew to reach out instead for once.

No such luck.

A few more minutes of uncomfortable silence and Alfred let out a loud sigh. "I saw him, you know."

"Hm?"

"Ivan."

"Oh." Matthew's reaction was visible. Almost like someone had slapped him, but his voice remained calm…and that was it. He curled a bit more into himself but made no other noise. He had no interest in keeping that conversation going.

Unfortunately for him, Alfred was more than interested in the topic. "Why didn't you call for me?"

"I didn't call for anyone." Matthew sighed. He knew Alfred was going to keep prying even if he tried to keep quiet. Which would just lead to an unnecessary fight. "Ivan got me when I had my guard down. I was honestly lucky Kiku was with me."

"Kiku?" Alfred remembered his best friend go pale when he saw him. I knew it. He frowned. Kiku didn't want my help. "So, he got Ludwig to help?"

"Yep." Matthew made sure to really pop the 'p'. Hoping that would tell his twin how much he wanted to end the interrogation. He rolled his eyes when Alfred decided to ask about what Ludwig did. "He got Ivan to leave me alone. No fight necessary."

"Is that why Kiku avoided me?"

That was a loaded question. Still, Matthew was too irked at having to answer his twin to really hear the hurt behind those words. "I don't know, Al. Maybe? You and Ivan always come to blows when you're near each other. I would've avoided you too."

"What the hell, Mattie?!" Alfred snarled. "I'm only trying to look after you!"

"Ugh, I know!" Matthew finally turned to look at his brother. "It's just, we were at a party celebrating the soccer team. I didn't really want to cause a scene." He then sighed and shrunk back into himself. "I didn't want anyone to see how I am around Ivan. Not…" his voice trailed off. Not Gilbert.

Alfred huffed. "Yeah, I get it. I'm sorry, Mattie, but Ivan's just so—"

"I know." He chuckled slightly. After a short while, he frowned and glanced up at Alfred. "Why did you guys stop being friends?"

"You mean, aside from the obvious fear you have for him? We just stopped clicking." Alfred shrugged. "I don't like being friends with people who don't treat you right."

"Ivan treated me just fine. It was his sister who outed me. He was in a coma, remember?"

Alfred made a face that said he was far from convinced. "Still, he was a pretty violent guy."

"You can't really blame him. With a family like his, I'd be more surprised if he didn't turn out like that."

"Stop." Alfred managed through clenched teeth. "You're always coming up with excuses for him."

"N-Not really." Matthew tried to defend himself. "It's just, you know, I can kind of understand. I did abandon him, after all."

"Understand?!" Alfred gripped the steering wheel tightly. "No. God, Mattie, no. That's not on you!" He pulled into the driveway and parked the truck but kept the engine running. "What Ivan does or doesn't do isn't your responsibility. You left because you had to. If he can't understand that, then that's on him. You don't owe him shit!"

"Al," Matthew frowned. "How would you feel if one day you woke up from a coma and Kiku wasn't your friend anymore?"

Alfred flinched. Matthew had no idea how close to home he was hitting with that scenario. "I-It would suck, sure, but I can't expect him to wait on me. What if I never woke up? Was he supposed to waste all that time waiting on me?"

"That's not—" Matthew sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "You're right. A friend shouldn't have to wait on you, but Ivan and I were dating."

"Barely!" Alfred crossed his arms. "And I still say that the fact he says he 'loves' you means he should know to let you go. If you love something, let it be, right? Since you two can't get back together, then it just wasn't meant to be."

"That's not how that saying goes!"

"But that's what it means, right?" He paused then and his entire demeanor shifted. "Let me ask you something. You don't get why I became so hostile to Ivan even though he treated you so great, but why are you so scared of him?"

That stopped all the gears in Matthew's head. That was a good point. He had plenty of reason to be scared of Ivan's family. Anderson had even warned him when he refused to leave Ivan's side. If he tried, Matthew could convince himself that fearing Ivan had more to do with fearing being caught by his family, rather than fearing Ivan himself, but Matthew knew there was more to it. He was genuinely scared every time he saw Ivan, and Matthew had never even thought of the Braginsky household since his return.

Why was he so scared?

"W-What?"

"Think about it. If things were really great between you two, then shouldn't you be happy that Ivan waited? That he'd been looking for you this whole time? Wouldn't you have ran over to him and tried to clear things up? Even if it was just closure and you really did move on. Doesn't it make more sense that you hear him out?" He paused and let what he said sink in before moving on. "Mattie, you haven't even looked at him. You avoid him like the plague, and you even tried getting with Gil. Sure, you didn't use him like all the other guys you hooked up with, but the way you act with him still isn't the real you. The dorky romantic that was all giggly with Ivan." He sighed and lowered his head. Trying to get his twin to look at him when Matthew looked down. "If Ivan was such a great boyfriend, why are you running?"

Gilbert had just managed to weave away from the spotlight when he caught a glimpse of his brother. He was stiff and had a rather possessive hold on Feli. As if he was ready for someone to jump out of nowhere and try and steal the Italian. It was strange. A bit too much, and his gut told him to be on high alert. Something was wrong. He looked around the party and failed to see anything at first. However, after a second glance, he noticed that the twins were missing. Arthur had gone back to mingle with the few teammates he still tolerated, and Francis was still fucking around with Toni. That might have been fine, but the party had just started. Alfred, at the very least, would still be there, and if the way Al had reacted to Gilbert's confusion at their first party together, Matthew would have been partying even harder. So, what happened? Where were they? And, more to the point, did it have anything to do with how tense his brother was?

He made his way over to where Ludwig was. Slowly relaxing as Feliciano seemed to be working his magic on Ludwig and helping the blond relax into the couch. The iron grip he had on Feli's waist now a loose hold on his shoulder. "Hiya broski!"

Instantly, Ludwig rolled his eyes. A good sign that Ludwig was somewhat back to his normal self. "Bruder. Already done dancing?"

Gilbert shrugged and wedged himself between Ludwig and Feli. Earning himself a small giggle from the brunette. "I wanted to check in on my less-awesome-than-me baby brother!"

"Mein gott, Gilbert!" Ludwig huffed before moving to sit next to Feli again. Moving the guy practically on his lap. "Did you really have to do that?"

Gilbert's eyes sharpened and slid over to Feli. Having known each other since high school, Feliciano nodded in understanding before getting Kiku to accompany him for more drinks. When the two brothers were left alone, Gilbert dropped his act.

"What happened?"

Ludwig was taken aback. His brother never spoke in their native German out in public unless he wanted to make sure Ludwig was the only one who heard him. "What do you mean?"

"Cut the crap. You're overprotective of Feli right now. What happened?"

For all his faults, Gilbert was deceptively good at handling Ludwig's anxiety. The younger brother sighed and brushed back his hair. "Ivan showed up."

That had Gilbert tense up instantly. "So, Matthew…"

Ludwig nodded. "He was shaken pretty badly. Alfred picked him up a few minutes ago. No fights. No pain from what I could tell, but he was trying really hard to hide his fear."

"I see." Gilbert cursed at himself. He had been so focused on avoiding his crush that he failed to notice when the one person Matthew wanted to avoid walked into the party. "I'm guessing you handled it?"

"Kiku came looking for help."

Shit. If Kiku had to be the one to look for help, that meant that Ivan had successfully cornered or restrained Matthew somehow. "Thank you."

"Why thank me?" Ludwig glared at his brother. "I don't know why you're avoiding him, but you need to stop."

"I'm not—"

"Don't lie to me, Gilbert." Ludwig growled. "I have never seen you so anxious to impress someone before, nor have I ever seen you so naturally yourself around someone other than me. I know that the last thing you want to do is hurt him, but you avoiding him is exactly what you're doing." He managed to see Feliciano out of the corner of his eye and moved back to sit up in the sofa. Unaware of when he had actually leaned in to be heard over the crowd. "Think about it, East. Do you really want to mess it up before getting a chance?"

Gilbert sat there staring at his brother. He knew he had a point, but he hated agreeing with Ludwig. Most people were unaware, but Ludwig could get such a damn ego whenever he was right. Especially if it meant Gilbert was wrong. He took Feli's and Kiku's return as his cue to leave and waved the group goodbye. Considering how much he had to reflect on, Gilbert decided it was best to go back to "the lookout" rather than the party.

Ludwig had a point. Gilbert had no intention of hurting Matthew, but he was scared. Any time he got close to someone, something always had to happen and drive them far away. He figured it would be easier if he helped that process and avoided Matthew, but it seemed like his baby brother noticed something Gilbert himself failed to. After all, the look Matthew had the night of his episode was one full of concern. Even Gilbert could see that, but he looked away quickly. Terrified to see that look morph into disgust. It usually did. Everyone thought of Gilbert as weak or broken after witnessing an episode. It was why he was so careful to begin with.

He grumbled and covered his face with a hand. Had he really fucked it up with the one person who still cared even after an episode? Could he fix it? Maybe. He pulled out his phone and sent a single text. Praying it was enough at least for an apology.

Heard Ivan came by. You okay?

Matthew blinked at the message. His phone's vibration had pulled him out of his thoughts, and he had been quite surprised to see Gilbert's name flash. After all that obvious avoidance, Gilbert was now reaching out to him? Still, he felt no betrayal. Instead, he was relieved and slightly amused. What was that man even thinking?

Yeah. Ludwig helped.

Noticed. He was acting really strange after

That message had Matthew frowning. He had been wanting to avoid being a bother. Another message popped up. As though Gilbert could read his thoughts.

Don't worry. Not your fault. He usually gets tense after dealing with Braginsky. I'm sure Feli didn't mind the extra touching

I'm sure he didn't. Matthew giggled. He could already imagine Feliciano giving him a thumbs up as Ludwig clung to him.

Are you really okay?

Matthew dropped his phone and looked up at his ceiling. Technically, he was fine. His arm was sore, probably bruised, but Ivan had been careful. He had no real intention of hurting Matthew, so Matthew was physically fine. His mind, however, was an absolute mess. He kept thinking back to his conversation with Alfred in the truck. His twin's question lingered in his mind.

"Why are you running?"

In all honesty, Matthew had no idea. He knew Ivan had nothing to do with what Natalya did, but it sure felt like he did. At least, it felt like Ivan should be responsible for at least a part of the hell Matthew went through before leaving for Canada. Now, his trauma kept creeping up any time he saw those violet eyes he used to love. It was asphyxiating to be around Ivan. As though the rumors were going to pop up again.

He knew they never would. At least, not without interference from the BTT. The trio had done a damn good job at maintaining an open-minded—or at least respectful—campus. Really living up to the "alphabet mafia" name. Since all three of them were a part of the community, homophobia was never tolerated by them. Sure, one could continue to be a bigoted ass, but they would miss out on some of the greatest parties campus had to offer. As well as a great set of connections that the BTT was in control of. It had really turned into a "my way or the highway" situation, but it kept a great deal of people safe and comfortable in their identities.

Matthew himself had been terrified of returning to his hometown. He was sure the rumors would pop up, but María had mentioned how the BTT cleaned up after he left.

"You won't believe it, Mattie!" She chirped over the phone one night. "There's these weirdos at school, right? And they totally dominated it! They're like a gang or something."

"A gang? Isn't that dangerous?"

"Well, usually, yeah." She seemed to have barely even considered that possibility. "But not with these guys! There was this rumor about a kid attacking another guy while he was in a coma"—Matthew had almost hung up on her, but what she said next helped calm him—"well, these guys kept demanding evidence, and since none of it existed, they threatened to beat up any 'homophobic retard' that kept spreading lies! Isn't that awesome?!"

"Uh, yeah." In truth, Matthew was amazed. If he had stuck around just a bit longer, would they have helped him? "So, they're like vigilantes?"

"Exactly!" María exploded into the phone after that. Detailing all the times the "weirdos" helped put a stop to bad rumors that had zero backing, and even clarifying some that had twisted the truth like crazy.

Matthew was sure that those same weirdos were the BTT. At least, they were Gilbert and Antonio back in high school. It made him a little giddy to think he could have met Gilbert earlier if he had just stuck around longer, but would they have been able to stop Natalya from harassing him?

One of the main reasons Matthew never blamed Ivan for the loss of contact was because he knew Natalya and her parents would have done the impossible to intercept. Especially now that Matthew was sure the only letter Ivan received was the one where Matthew broke up with him. It was proof that someone was filtering Matthew's correspondence.

There was a time he thought that Anderson or Kiku would have been great middlemen for them. He would have reached out to them himself, but he remembered how cautious Anderson had been against the Braginsky household. His teammate had gone as far as to warn him to stay away after witnessing Ivan almost die on the ice. That had Matthew rethink trying to contact Ivan through him. If Anderson was already wary, then it could be he had already been targeted by Ivan's family.

Kiku, on the other hand, might have been safe. It would have been even easier since his cousin had been Ivan's tutor at the time, but he was Alfred's best friend. If Alfred had asked him not to help, Kiku would have listened. Even without knowing the whole story. Kiku would have just said he had already promised to stay out of it, no matter how much Matthew begged.

So, Matthew was stuck thinking on that damn question. Why was he running? What had Ivan done to him that was so unforgivable? Nothing, really. Not anything he could think of, at least. Matthew was sure there was something missing, but enough time had passed that he had already forgotten what it was. Well, if you forgot, then why can't you just move on? That was another good question he had no answers to.

He looked back at his phone. Alfred had pointed out that Matthew still had his guard up around Gilbert. Despite the obvious mutual feelings, Matthew was still hesitating. Was it because of Ivan? His fear of the past repeating itself, or having to be open while dating Gil? Well, if he had those answers then maybe he would have already been dating the handsome engineer student. Instead, he was thinking about his ex while texting his current crush. Was he still expecting something from Ivan? No! But…something still had him tethered to Ivan.

His phone flashed again. This time with a heart wrenching message.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.

Gilbert was far from perfect. He had avoided Matthew out of shame, after all. His insecurities were eating at him, but at least he did his best to live his best life. He was caring and loved his friends and family unconditionally. He knew when to have fun and when to work hard. Gilbert could be a terrifying force to reckon with, but he had a massive soft spot for cute things. Arthur had warned Matthew of that very thing when they first met, but he had never been happier that someone thought of him as cute. He was just so different from Ivan that Matthew could barely keep from comparing the two.

Despite the recent drama, Ivan had also been caring. Unlike Gilbert's hyper-active joy when around cute animals, Ivan preferred the quieter ones that depended on him. He liked to take care of others, and Matthew had been no exception. Ivan was also terrifying when angered, but mostly because it was virtually impossible to reign him back in when he snapped. It had once made Matthew feel loved. Now it made him want to hide. It was overbearing and quite frankly too scary for Matthew to handle anymore.

There was also the way the two of them checked in on Matthew. Gilbert was careful not to trigger Matthew, and apologetic about things that had nothing to do with him. As though he felt personally responsible for Matthew's misfortune. Ivan, on the other hand, never apologized. Even after a fight, he would just make sure Matthew was safe at home and then wait for Matthew's anger to subside. The fights would only increase if Matthew decided to leave without him, or go with a friend.

Matthew furrowed his brows and thought more on their differences. He had never actually fought with Gilbert. The guy was quick to back off and apologize after recognizing he crossed a line. So, Matthew had no real way of comparing the two there, but also he did because Gilbert always apologized. Always. Whereas Ivan never did. Matthew gasped and looked back at the text.

Why are you apologizing?

If he was right, then maybe he had the answer as to why he felt the need to run every time he saw Ivan.

Well, cause I was avoiding you. I know you can handle yourself, but maybe if I hadn't been such an unawesome ass I could've done something. Idk. Maybe I just don't want you to hate me. *shrug* I just don't like the idea that you were feeling pretty bad, and I just made it worse.

Bingo.

"Are you really mad right now?!" Ivan had called out after a game.

It had been the same one where Matthew got checked too hard by the opposing team and ended up having to get benched.

He refused to answer. Opting instead walk faster.

"Matvey, come here! Are you going to run when we are talking?!"

"You're the only one talking, Vanya." Matthew huffed. "Fat lotta good it's doing now!"

"Matvey, wait!" Ivan ran up and grabbed his arm. Forcing Matthew to stop and turn to him. Though, he was stubborn enough to look away as soon as he felt his body get pulled. "Would you stop acting like a child? I thought you were more mature than Alfred."

"Would you stop comparing me to him?! I'm your boyfriend, damnit! I don't want you to compare me to my twin all the time!"

"I would never compare the two of you if you stopped behaving like him every time you get upset!"

"Fine! Go date him, then! Maybe you'll stop comparing us then!"

Frustrated, Ivan rolled his eyes. "Matvey, you know I only like you. Alfred is a good friend, but he is nothing like you." His voice dropped and he gently caressed Matthew's face. Brushing back his hair. "No one is as beautiful as you. How could I choose someone else?"

Somewhat swayed, Matthew stopped yelling but his pout remained. "If you like me so much, why didn't you stand up for me back there?"

"What are we, five? Those guys were only playing. Besides, they have no idea how strong you are. Would it not be better for you to prove it on your own? That way they can never say I have favorites, or that I do everything for you."

Matthew finally smiled at him after a sigh. "Well, you do have favorites." His smile turned coy before pulling Ivan down for a kiss.

Ivan grinned back. "Well, that can be a secret." The two laughed before Ivan's smile softened. "You are not mad anymore, da?"

"No," Matthew huffed. "I'm not mad anymore. You're right. They won't take me seriously if you're always protecting me."

"Good! Then let me walk you home?"

"Sure thing."

Ivan had never apologized for that incident. Matthew had been convinced it was out of his control, and that he was being ridiculous for having expected Ivan to back him up when his teammates picked on him. The rival team would always look down on Matthew. He had no issues with that, but Ivan had power in their team. Was it really too much to ask that he at least shut them up about picking on their own teammate?

Then there was Gil. Apologizing for Ivan. Understanding that, while Matthew could certainly handle himself, there were times when help was greatly appreciated. Especially when it came to Ivan. Not only that, but Gilbert recognized that he had been an ass to Matthew, and that it had certainly affected him. With or without Ivan's unexpected visit, and he had apologized for that too.

Was he being too selfish to think that he deserved that much?

No, Ivan never treated him poorly, but he was just now seeing that Ivan never actually treated him "greatly" either. Alfred had a point there.

Not your fault.

No, it really is.Gilbert's response was immediate.I'm sorry I avoided you. I thought you'd leave too after what you saw, but that doesn't make it ok. I just don't really know what to do now.

Matthew arched a brow at the message. Too? Had people really left Gilbert after witnessing an episode of his? How heartless were they?

I don't scare easy, and your episode would have never scared me anyways. Are you doing ok now?

*thumbs up*

Maybe Matthew was being selfish with Gilbert, but was that really such a bad thing?

When's your last class end tomorrow?

1. u?

2:30 for me.

Sweet. Meet you for pancakes at 3?

How'd you know I like pancakes?

I bothered your twin till he told me your favorite food

That had Matthew laughing again.

Your treat?

Obv. I wanna apologize the right way.

With pancakes?

With pancakes.