When Pigs Fly
Part two: The insanity continues......
The next day....
Quattra: Thank you again for letting us stay at your house Miss Chi-Chi.
Chi-Chi: Well, my lunk of a husband did destroy your house...
Goku: Gene destroyed it first!
Gene: Let's not play blame the guests here!
Jim: How embarrassing...
Wufie: Even though your weak onna's cooking is weak, her weak cooking is more edible than Yuy's weak onna's weak cooking.
Chi-Chi: Who ya callin weak pal!?
Wufie: You weak, but good cooking onna.
Duo: Now ya done it...
Chi-Chi: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU SEXIST BASTARD!!!
Goku: Calm down Chi-Chi, I'm sure he was only kidding...
Wufie: No I wasn't...
Goku: KAAAAAAAAAAMMMEEEEEEE...
Duo: I'm getting gone!
Quattra and everyone else in the house but Wufie and Goku: We is right behind ya!
Goku:HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMEEEEE!!!
Wufie: Your yelling does not frighten me!
Goku: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Wufie, who sees energy come at him:...injustice?.....
Goku's house explodes. In Tokyo, Ranma looks in the distance and sees a blue flash.
Goku: Whoops...
Wufie: Ouch...
Duo: Welp, I'm outta here! Bye!
Heero: Where is that baka going now?
Trowa: He said something about a date...
Quattra: I think he's going out with that Eva pilot.
Everyone: WHAT!?
Quattra: Yes, I think he means it this time.
Wufie: I think we should follow the bastard. He's fraternizing with the enemy!
Heero: Did Wufie just use a word other than injustice or weak?
Trowa: I can't be sure.
Quattra: Isn't that called eavesdropping?
Wufie, Trowa, and Heero tie Quattra up and throw him in the back of Heero's Lexus.
Wufie: Your not driving again are you Yuy?
Trowa: Just try not to hit any girls with dogs...
Heero ignores them and slams the Lexus in reverse, nearly side swiping Jim in his hover car.
Jim: Watch were your going!!
Gene, drunk again: Yeah, watch your, uh, your, um...feet?
Heero whips out his Glock 19 and opens fire on the car, putting holes through the fender, the door and Gene's arm.
Gene: Mor...uh,...on?
A block or two later they spot Duo's blue Mustang Fastback stalled in front of a night club.
Trowa: This must be the place.
Wufie: He must've told her to meet him at the first place his car stalled.
Heero, loading his Glock: Lets rumble.
Trowa: We're not gonna kill him...
Wufie: Why not?
Trowa: Because he almost won the mech championship.
Wufie: What a stupid weak reason!!
Inside Duo talks with a familiar redhead...
Asuka: So, couldn't get enough of me, eh?
Duo: Hold on!! This date was your idea!
Asuka: Was not!
Was too!
Not!
Too!
Not!
Heero, hiding behind a table: They're meant for each other...
Trowa: They made two of them!
Wufie: WEAK!! NO GOOD BASTARDS! YOU SHOULD ALL ROT IN HELL!! THIS IS INJUSTICE!!
Everyone in the club stops dancing, they all look at Wufie.
Duo: Hey! Wu-man! You made it!
Asuka: Who are these creeps?
Heero: Omea o Korosu Asuka. *points gun*
Duo, slapping Heero on the back and making him fire a shot aimlessly: You three are just the guys this place needs! Come on, loosen up!
Trowa: Didn't Heero get laid the last time that happened?
Wufie: I refuse to get 'laid' with any of these weak onnas!!
Heero, remembering the getting laid part: Well, maybe we could stay a little while...
Quattra, Running up: Guy's we shouldn't be fighting-oops, I mean, what are you doing?
Duo: The gangs all here!! Now let's liven up this cracker house!
Heero: Crackers? Where?
Trowa: I think that's a slang word.
Wufie: Weak crackers!!!
About every white guy in the club beat Wufie to a Chinese pulp.
Duo, whispering to Asuka: C'mon, I'll get these losers drunk, then we'll hit the town!
Asuka: You got it. Hey, Bartend! get these losers some hard whiskey!
Bartender: Uh, which one is that? is it this one? Yep! Oops! *bottle hits the floor and breaks* Silly me!
From Across the bar comes a very angry voice.
Voice: MIHOSHI!!!!!!
Mihoshi: Uh, yes Kiyone?
Kiyone: You idiot! Stop dropping the bottles!!
Mihoshi: Okay! Oops *another bottle breaks*
Duo, handing Heero a glass: Here ya go buddy!
Heero drinks the contents in one gulp, then spits it out.
Heero: What is that shit!
Duo: Spiced rum.
Heero: Gimme some more!
Duo: No prob!
Wufie, recovering from his concussion: What weak fool beat me?! That fool will die a weak death from his injustice!!! *continues to rant and rave until stopped by a Chinese girl walking by.
Wufie: Tell me Maxwell, was that onna that just walked by hot?
Duo: Yup, go get her Wu-man.
Wufie: You won't tell anyone, will you?
Duo: Of course not.
Wufie runs after girl.
Duo: Next up, Winner! Hey Quattra! Try some of this, uh, apple juice.
Quattra: Is it safe?
Duo: Did I ever steer you wrong?
Quattra: Ye-
Duo: Don't answer that. *makes Quattra drink liquid*
Quattra: Ptuey! That tasted horrible! Why did you make me- * passes out*
Duo: Good ol' country vodka!
Asuka: Hey, Trowa.
Trowa: What.
Asuka: You know what women love?
Trowa: What?
Asuka, using sexy voice: A big man who can drink the most beer.
Trowa, starting to sweat: R-really?
Asuka, rubbing Trowa's back and generally seducing him: Yeah, so why don't you take your big hansom self over to the bar and order as much beer as you can drink, I'll be waiting....
Trowa, voice cracks: Ok-okay, I-I'll b-be right b-back.
Asuka: Well that worked
Duo: You got Trowa?
Asuka: He'll be drinkin' all night.
Duo: Good, let's high-tail it!
Asuka, in the parking lot: One question, your crappy-ass car broke down. How are we gonna get anywhere?
Duo, holding up a set of keys: Heero let me 'borrow' his Lexus.
Asuka: Your bad, just the way I like em'!
Meanwhile one of Tenchi's many fanatics pays him a visit.
Sokuya: Can't wait until I get to Tenchi's house!!
Little does she know another one of Tenchi's followers are visiting.
Miyuka: So Daddy, did you miss me?
Tenchi: Um, yeah?
Miyuka: I love you Daddy!
Tenchi: That's great...
Sokuya: Hi Tenchi!
Tenchi: Just what I need...
Sokuya: Who is this? *points to Miyuka*
Miyuka: I'm his daughter!
Sokuya: Then, Tenchi, does this mean I'm the mother?
Ryoko and Ayeka: BEAT IT YOU HUSSY!!!
Sokuya: Oh, Tenchi! We have a daughter! What's your name?
Miyuka: Miyuka!
Sokuya: Such a pretty name!!
Ayeka: Excuse me Sokuya, but you couldn't possibly her mother, unless...you had a...a...re-relationship with him *cheek starts to twitch*
Sokuya: You didn't tell them about that one night did you Tenchi.
Tenchi: I don't know what your talking about!!
Around that time a woman in an outfit with a computer on the front crashes through the window.
Comp. Chick: Pure hearts!
Everyone: What?
Five shadows appear in the ruined window frame.
Five people: You dare steal the pure hearts of these fine country folks!? Now you must face The Sailor Scouts!
Comp. Chick: Pure hearts!
Ryoko: Pure heart or not, no one crashes through Tenchi's window in a get-up like that! Take this!! * fires laser beam through the heart snatchers stomach*
Heart snatcher: Ouchies! *dies*
Sailor Moon: Thank you, uh, what's your name?
Ryoko: It's Ryoko, space pirate.
Sailor Moon: Space pirate?! I will punish you!!
Ayeka: Go right ahead, send her to jail.
Sailor Moon: Super-duper-mega-cosmic-beauty-awesome-pretty-ultra-mascara-light-heart-magic-crystal--- *Ryoko blows her away too*.
Sailor Mercury: Illuminated aqua-*Ryoko shoots a beam through her head*
Sailor Jupiter: Sparkling white, but sometimes green, lightning pow- *the fourth to be massacred by Ryoko*
Sailor Mars: Red hot inferno- *Ryoko turns her torso into cinders*
Sailor Venus: Love ribbons ignite- *Ryoko summons her sword and slices the last sailor goon in half*
Ryoko: Now that that's over. Tenchi, let's go to your room...
Ayeka: I forbid it!
Ryoko: Shut your trap!
Tenchi: Oh, brother
Sokuya: So we should buy a house with white picket fences, and get a dog and-
Miyuka: I love you Daddy!
The arguing continues on throughout the night.
Back to Duo's date...
Girl voice: Oooohhh! Yes! More! More!
Guy's voice: Gimme some lovin'! Uhg!
Girl: OOOOOOOHHHHH!! Harder!!
Guy: Ugh, nuhmf Oh, you like that!?
Suddenly the door is flung open.
Another male voice: You! How could you sleep with that idiot!!
Girl: I love him!
Duo, to Asuka: Great movie huh?
Asuka: Too sappy, let's get outta here.
Dou and Asuka leave the empty theatre and walk to Heero's Lexus.
Duo: I wonder how the guy's are doing?
Asuka: Who cares! Let's go to my place.....
Duo, to himself: SCORE!
At the random night club....
Heero: Gimme another shot!
Bartender: I think you've had enough.
Heero: I'll tell you when I've had enough *falls off stool*
Quattra: Hey, this shits pretty good! * Gulps down some more whiskey*
Trowa, to about five girls around him: So I tell the guy I wouldn't mind having his name!
Girls: Haha! Trowa you're sooo funny!
Trowa: You've got the wrong guy, I'm not Trowa!!
Girls: Then who are you?
Trowa: *snicker* I'm, uh, um....Trowa?
Girls: Hehehehe!
Wufie: You are weak!
Chinese girl: Say it again!
Wufie: You are weak!!
Girl: Ohh, your are sooo strong!
Wufie: Yes! and you are weak!!
Girl: Kiss me!
Wufie: Okay! *kiss kiss kiss kiss*
Guy, who bumped into Heero: 'Scuse me.
Heero: You, uh...challenge me?
Guy: No.
Heero: Um, die? * shoots around aimlessly and hears about a dozen screams*
Heero: Mission...uh, done?
Guy: Back off weirdo!
Trowa, looks at Heero: This seems vaguely, uh...familiar?
Quattra: Hi there missy!
Big surly guy: Get away from me creep!
Quattra: ....nuts......
At Asuka's apartment....
Asuka: So braid boy...
Duo: Uh, what?
Asuka: Let me slip into something more comfortable....
Duo: Ooooohhh boooooy!! * starts to shake*
About then Hilde busts down the door.
Hilde: COME ON! YOUR LITTLE PLAYING DAYS ARE OVER!!!
Duo: Not now! I'm about to really score!!
Hilde: I'm warning you!!
Duo: Come on! Please! This chicks really hot!!
Hilde: NO! Come on! *drags Duo out by his braid*
Hilde drags Duo down the hall, all the while yelling at him for being a pervert.
Asuka, standing naked in the door way: Hey, where did he go?
Back at the night club.....
Wufie:.......weak......injustice....weak...
Girl: Wowee....
Trowa: Those who have laid eyes on a, a,.....thing, shall not live to tell about it.
Girls: You laid eyes on something of mine, teehehe....
Quattra, singing karaoke: Can you take me higher?! To the place with.....oh, shit...Forgot the words.
Heero: Hey there, vodka on the house!!
Mihoshi: That'll be 100,000 yen!
Heero: Uh, here you go! *hands her his Glock*
Mihoshi: Thank you come again!
Kiyone: MIIIIIHOOOOOOSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!
Mihoshi: What did I do wrong now?
Around 1:36 AM the phone rings at Starwind and Hawking Enterprises.
Jim: Hello Starwind and Hawking! How may we help you?
Caller: Yes, I need an assassin to take out one Hilde Schbieker.
Jim: No problemo! That'll be 550 Wong!
Caller: Eh, what's a Wong?
Jim: Make that 2800 yen!
Caller: Right.
At some cheap motel......
Heero: Ugh, what time is it?
Girl: Uh, 9:30
Heero: What happened? Who are you?
Girl: I'm Minmay. Remember?
Heero: Not again....
At the Winner Mansion.......
Quattra: That's the last time Duo talks us into doing anything.
Trowa: I have a hangover that could put an elephant in a coma...
Wufie: Cheap booze made me do this!!
Chinese girl: You don't love me?
Wufie: NO! You are a weak onna!
The door opens and Heero stumbles in followed by Minmay.
Heero: Hangovers?
Everyone: Yep.
Heero: Now can we kill Duo?
Everyone: Yep.
Duo walks down the stairs and waves.
Duo: Hey guys! Hope you all enjoyed you night of fun!
Trowa: You and Asuka have fun?
Duo, putting on a pouty face: No, Hilde ruined it again.
Wufie: Serves you right, weak person!
Trowa: Try not to yell, we all have headaches.
Quattra: Come on guys....
Heero: Wufie, why don't you read this? *tosses Wufie a book*
Wufie: A dictionary?!
Heero: Now maybe you can use words other that injustice and weak.
Trowa: Like you have such a big vocabulary Mr. omea o korosu.
Heero, pulling out his Glock: Shut up!
Quattra: Guys we...
Wufie: Don't say it weakling boy!!
Trowa: Don't tell him what to do!!
Quattra: Now wouldn't be a good time to say....
Heero: Don't even think about it!
Quattra: We shouldn't....
Wufie: I'm warning you!!
Duo: Let it rip Winner boy!!
Heero: Say it and I'll blow your head off!
Trowa: Don't listen to that idiot!
Quattra: WE SHOULDN'T BE FIGHTING!!!
Everyone stops arguing and looks at Quattra.
Minmay: You guys are weird. I'm leaving.
Hilde walks in the door and gives a hard stare at Minmay, then Heero.
Hilde: Does Releena know about this?
Heero: Not exactly...
Hilde: Anyway, I came here to bitch at you some, so here goes. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.
Voice: It's twilight, and it's time to end your life.
Hilde: You talkin' to me?
Voice: Yes.
Hilde: I don't think so!
A shadow appears in the hallway. Sazuka walks forward holding her bokken.
Sazuka: Now! I will strike you down!
Hilde, sweat drops: Uh, let me go, uh, get ready...*attempts to run away*
Sazuka jumps in front of her and swipes with her sword.
Sazuka is about to strike when the roof is ripped off and a green blade comes between her and Hilde.
Duo: Ha! Try and kill my Hilde? Not a chance!
Deathscythe picks Sazuka up by her robe and flings her away.
Duo: That's that.
Another voice: At last! I've tracked you down Hilde! I challenge you!
Hilde: Oy
Nagi jumps down from the balcony and draws her sword at Hilde.
Duo: Is it assassin day or what?
Nagi: What is that? * looks at Deathscythe*
Dou: He might run, he might hide, but he'll never tell a lie, Dou Maxwell!
Nagi: How humorous. Kanoki, come!
Kanoki: CHAAAAAOOOOOOOW!!!!
A little white fluffy thing turns into a giant spaceship.
Duo: Ack! What the hell!?
Nagi: Kanoki, attack!
Kanoki starts to shoot Deathscythe, doing little to no damage.
Dou: Haha! Your wussy little spaceship can't do a thing to Gundanium!
Nagi: Nuts........
Duo grabs Kanoki and throws it like a Frisbee into the distance.
Nagi: That's not kosher....
Just as Duo's about to fling Nagi into the distance as well, Sazuka comes back.
Sazuka: Nagi! My old rival!
Nagi: Suzu! How good of you to come!
Sazuka: I wish you wouldn't call me that....
Nagi: I challenge you right here and now!
Duo: What's with all the challenging....
Just then another shadow appears.
Iria: Freeze! *points her baravadin at Hilde*
Duo: What? Is it assassin and bounty hunter day or somethin'?
Hilde: Why are they all after me?
Nagi, stops fighting Sazuka for a second: Someone paid us to kill you.
Sazuka: I'm sorry but I can't reveal my employers name.
Iria: Ha! Her name was Asuka.
Duo: Asuka? Come on! You can come up with a better lie than that.
Nagi: It's true, she said something about revenge and you stealing away her love, Hilde Schbieker!
Sazuka: Your time is up! It's twilight!
Duo: No it isn't.....
Sazuka: Shut up! I'll kill her anyway!
Hilde: No one kills me! *jumps in her Leo*
Sazuka, Nagi, and Aria: Uh, oh....
Hilde, aiming her beam rifle: Well then, who's killing who?
Duo: That's my girl!
Hilde: Shut up! I'm trying to threaten here!
Duo: Uhg.....
Hilde: Now just go back to that whore Asuka and tell her I want to meet her in person!
Assassins just stand there.
Hilde: DO IT!
The trio of assassins grumble and walk away, leaving Quattra sobbing about his newly redecorated house, which was now minus the roof.
A week later.....
Mihoshi: Hello! Mail's here! *knocks on door of the Winner mansion*
Heero opening door: What do you want, it's 2:30 in the morning.
Mihoshi: Well, Kiyone said I should get up early to deliver all the mail so....
Kiyone: Mihoshi you damned idiot!!!
Mihoshi: Oops....
Kiyone: Give them their mail and get back to the apartment! *to Heero* Sorry to bother you!
Heero: Next time I'll take off your friend's head.
Kiyone: Would you please? It'd be doing everyone a favor....
Heero: I was making an idle threat....
Kiyone: Darn...
Later that morning....
Heero: Hilde, you have mail.
Hilde: I do? That's odd.
Duo: I bet it's from a secret admirer....
Wufie: But Duo, I thought you said you couldn't read or write?
Duo: I didn't send it!
Quattra: Open it up! The suspense is killing me!
Hilde: It's from the Lum show....
Quattra: That's a great show! last week there was this guy who was afraid of expressing his feelings, so they brought in a therapist and...
Wufie: Talk shows are for the *looks in dictionary* feeble!
Duo: Wow....
Heero: Did Wufie just....
Trowa: It's a miracle...
Wufie: Quit being *looks again* vulnerable!
Hilde: You guys are too much...
Wufie: An insult?! Inju- *looks once more* Unfairness!
Heero:.......
Trowa:.......
Duo:........
Quattra: I know how you feel Wufie.
Hilde: Uh, yeah.
Duo: Why did the Lum show send you a letter?
Hilde: It says Asuka invited me to appear on it next Friday....
Duo: I think she misunderstood you when you said you want to meet her face to face.
Hilde, putting away her dueling pistols: Darn, and I was all set for a noon showdown.
Wufie: For once I agree with your we- powerless onna's ways.
Trowa: Is it just me or is this getting old...
Heero: She might be planning an ambush, better go prepared.
Hilde: You think? Maybe I shouldn't wear my good sweatshirt and beret....
Duo: What about your purple leotard?
Hilde: *SMACK*
Duo: Ooowwww...
Heero: You'll need something that will be suitable for a battle..
Hilde: No spandex!
Duo: Darn!
Heero: I was thinking a tan shirt and green pants, with maybe..
Hilde: A red scarf?
Heero: Exactly.
Hilde: Come to my room and we'll pick something out.
Duo: No one goes to Hilde's room but me!
Heero and Hilde leave anyway.
Meanwhile....
Asuka: You think the yellow sundress with red slippers?
PenPen: Wark, Wark!
Asuka: Yeah, the red one with flowers on it is much better! I'll win Duo's heat if it's the last thing I do!
PenPen:...............
*Author's ridiculous babbling. You like? No like? That's good. What will happen at the talk show? There'll be lots of swearing, shooting and mud n' bikinis! Promise! heh, heh.....