When Pigs Fly
Part Three: When will it end?!
That Friday..............
Camera Guy: We're on in 5...4...3...2..action!
Lum: Welcome back to the Lum Show!
Audience applauds.
Lum: Our first guest is Asuka Langley Soryou! Come on out Asuka!
Asuka, walking onto the stage: Thank you Lum!
Lum: Asuka is in love with a very cute mobile suit pilot named Duo Maxwell.
Audience cheers.
Lum: The crowd knows! The pilot that almost won the Mech Fighting Tournament!
Asuka: Yes, he's the only one to defeat me! and he's really cute!
Girls in audience: YEAH!!
Lum: Come on out Duo!
Duo strolls out onto the stage and waves. Asuka runs over and hugs him, Duo hugs back.
Hilde: From backstage: OOH! That dirty little hussy! Hugging Duo like that!
Trowa, holding her back: calm down, if I know Duo, he's doing it for the women out there.
Wufie, also holding her back: Onna! Come to your senses! Getting emotional will cloud your judgment!
Heero, holding Hilde back too: Plus, if you run on stage now, Asuka will see your surprise counter-ambush gear!
Hilde, looking at herself in the mirror: You don't think we over-did it do you?
Heero: Is Zechs cool?
Hilde: No..'
Heero: There's your answer.
Back on stage.......
Lum: So Duo...Do you in fact love Asuka?
Duo: Of course, I love all the chicks out there *waves*.
Lum: But do you have a- you know- relationship with her?
Duo: Well...
Asuka: We almost did! No thanks to that over-controlling bitch Hilde..
Everyone hears a loud crash and some muffled screaming, and the words 'weak onna' repeated over and over again.
Lum: Speak of the devil... Hilde, come on out!
Audience starts to boo.
Hilde walks out, smiles, and draws a large machine gun from her pocket.
Hilde: DIE!! *starts to fire randomly*
Asuka: I knew it! * pulls out a caster*
Hilde: Uh.... *sweat drops*
Just then Goten and Trunks run out on stage in black outfits with 'security' written on the back and grab the two women and put them in their chairs.
Trunks: I'll take that Miss Langley.
Goten: Hand over your gun. *Hilde shoots Goten in the head several times* Ooooowwwweeeee!!! *wrestles gun from Hilde*
Lum, blinks: Uh, carrying on... Tell us Miss Schbieker, what did Asuka do to you?
Hilde: Well, first she seduced my Duo into almost sleeping with her, then after I foiled her plan, she hired not one, not two, but three assassins to kill me!
Asuka: And it would've worked had you not been so stubborn.
Hilde, sticking out her tongue: Thhhhhppptttt!!
Lum: Now our final guest.... Shinji Ikari.
Shinji slowly walks out on stage and plops into a chair.
Lum: Tell us Shinji, what did Asuka do to you?
Shinji mutters something.
Lum: Uh, can you speak up?
Shinji: I deserved to be called an idiot.
Lum:.........
Shinji: No one will understand.
Asuka: Quit being a loser you moron!
Lum:...Well, uh....Shinji, go away. We'll find another guest.
Shinji: See, I'm not worth it. * Eva-01 rips the roof off the studio and grabs Shinji, then runs away*
Lum, blinks again: Well, Uh Android 16, Come on out!
16 walks out on stage and sits in Shinji's chair.
16: Thank you Miss Lum.
Lum: Hehe, you flirt!
16:............
Lum: Now 16, what's your story?
16: I was killed by Cell twice.
Lum: No! Well, bring out Cell!
Cell fly's onstage.
Asuka: Uh, excuse me, but...WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH US!!!!!
Lum: I'm getting to that!
Hilde: This is boring, I thought I was gonna be kicking Asuka's butt!
Asuka: And vise-versa!
Lum: Hold your horses! Now Cell, Why did you kill 16 twice?
Cell: Well, the first time I didn't really kill him, I just badly wounded him. The second time was because he was talking to Gohan about something that was bothering me.
Lum: I see. Well, both groups here have had their hearts broken and now I'll give them a chance to make amends-
Cell: My heart wasn't broken.
16: I don't have a heart, and it was my head Cell broke.
Asuka: Yeah, my heart's not really broken, but I sure am pissed.
Hilde: Yeah, and I think I'm gonna take out my anger on you!
Duo: I got the mud and bikini's!
Hilde and Asuka, glaring at Duo: Stay outta this!
Duo: ...nuts...
Cell: Well if that was all I'll be leaving *flies out the destroyed roof*
16: I must go bird-watching.
Lum, seeing Asuka and Hilde approach her: Well, times a wasting see you next week! *disappears*
Hilde: Well that was lame.
Asuka: I agree. Wanna go get salad ?
Hilde: Okay.
Duo: What about me?!
Hilde: Go home and watch TV are something.
Duo: But there's nothing good on!
Asuka: Too bad!
While Hilde and Asuka were out having lunch, a shadow crept silently behind them.
Kuno crashes into some trash cans and runs into a car, causing the alarm to go off.
Hilde: You hear something?
Asuka: Must be the wind, or someone like Shinji following us to kidnap us.
Hilde: Your right the wind makes funny noises. Let's take a short cut down this dark alley!
Asuka: Good idea, that pervert Shinji won't find us here.
Kuno: They have fallen into my trap! Since I can have neither the Pig Tailed Girl or my dear Akane, I will steal myself two new young girls!
Asuka and Hilde walk deeper into the alley.
Hilde: It's a dead end!
Asuka: We'll have to turn around. *turns around and sees Kuno standing in front of them* AAAAAAAAAAAA!!! It's that Kuno freak!
Hilde: Get him!
Kuno: Not so fast ladies. You think I have come ill-prepared! *holds out chloroform*
Now I have you!
Hilde: You think you can get close enough to use that?
Asuka: She's right. Three assassins couldn't kill her. Plus I'm the girlfriend of steel you know.
Kuno: You have a boyfriend?
Asuka: No, but I almost did. *looks at Hilde*
Kuno: Oh. LOOK AT THAT!! *points behind them*
Hilde/Asuka: What? *turn around*
Kuno, covering the girls mouth with chloroform: I have you now!
Asuka: Die...bas...t...ar...d.
Hilde: Snore.....snore.....snore...
Kuno: Haha, 'twas too easy. *carries Hilde and Asuka back to his house*
Later...........
Hilde: Wha-? What happened? I seem to remember being kidnapped by Kuno, but that's it.
From another room Hilde hears screaming and crying and beating.
Kuno, voice muffled through wall: You disrespect me? Do as your told!
Hilde hears more screaming, then the door opens and Kuno throws Asuka on the ground.
Kuno: Your next my pretty.
Asuka: He...is...-
Hilde: Save your breath. *to Kuno* What did you do to her?
Asuka: He...is...a...big dork! You raped me!
Kuno: I tried, you kept hitting me. *starts to weep*
Hilde: You're sick Kuno.
Kuno: It's a living. Now hurry up, let's go.
Hilde: No, you think I'm gonna go willingly?
Kuno: I had hoped...
Just then a green light flashed through the room. A second later the roof is ripped off and Deathscythe appears standing above them.
Duo: Well, well, well. Someone trying to molest the two women I love? I don't think so.
Kuno....shit.....
Duo reaches down and grabs Kuno. Then he sets him in the mobile suits giant hand.
Ranma: You, Kuno, have gone to far!
Kuno:...more shit...
Ranma: DS#1 Tiger-fu! *kicks Kuno's ass into next year*
Kuno: Ouch.
Duo: My turn! *grabs Kuno by his empty head and starts to squeeze*
Kuno: Your...squeezing...my....brains....out!
Duo: That's the point. *Kuno's head implodes, sending brain-goo everywhere*
Hilde: Your my hero!
Duo: I know...
Asuka, snuggling up to Ranma: Your kinda cute.
Ranma: Well, I, uh....
Duo picks up Hilde and sets her in Deathscythe's cockpit. Together they walk back to Quattra's mansion.
Hilde: You know, you didn't have to kill him.
Duo: He deserved it.
Asuka: So now what?
Ranma: Get a bagel?
Asuka: Okay.
Later.......
Duo: There's nothing to do!!!
Heero: Why don't you go do something with Hilde?
Duo: I already did....
Trowa: Go watch TV.
Duo: Nothing on.
Wufie: Why don't you get out of our face, we-*looks in his dictionary* Fragile boy!!
Quattra: Here's a rag and some wax go-
Duo: I already told you! I just got back from doing something with Hilde.
Quattra: Wash Deathscythe. *glares at Duo*
Duo: Fine, grumble, grumble.
Duo walks into the mobile suite garage to find Deathscythe gone. In it's place is a note.
Note: Dear braid boy, if you want to see your precious Gundam again, then pay me 1 billion dollars. You will never find me, as this letter is untraceable. Sincerely yours, Ryoga.
Duo: Who's Ryoga? Oh, well. I'll just have to kick his ass and then steal Deathscythe back!
From across the garage Ranma throws a brick. It hits Duo in the head.
Duo: Who the shit threw that?
Ranma: I did.
Duo: Why?
Ranma: I had to get your attention.
Duo, rubbing his head: You couldn't have yelled to me are something?
Ranma: I guess I could've, but throwing things is much more fun!
Duo: I guess....
Ranma: Anyway Ryoga is a martial arts fighter like me, but he's really strong. He'd beat you down in no time.
Duo: *yawns* So?
Ranma: The thing is, he's an idiot.
Duo, looking at note with misspelled words: I figured.
Ranma: You'll have to trick him into letting you take your robot from him.
Duo: No problem, just take me there.
Ranma: That's the problem, I don't know where he is.
Duo:.............so why tell me all this anyway?
Ranma: Asuka made me.
Duo: Ahhhhhh.
To be continued......
End Part 1
* Author's continuous jibber jabber. In the next thrilling installment, Duo has to ravel to far off lands to find Ryoga and his beloved Deathscythe. But what do green aliens from Namek, the Galaxy Police, The Cat Cafe', and Dragon Balls have to do with anything? Find out later, when I feel like typing Book II!