A/N: Cassidy: I didn't write this...
Jessie: Like, I did! Here are my warning: I love Fushigi Yuugi but damn, it's so fun to make fun of! There's yaoi, and twincest, and all that stuff!
Cassidy: Oh My God....
Jessie: Shut up. This COULD be PG-13 but I'll play it safe with the R thing....then again....no, it's R...
Cassidy: *sobs*
Tamahome: May I ask why we're doing this again?
Chriko: You're being paid, Tamahome-kun!
Tamahome: Am I getting sex with Miaka?
Mitsukake: Please! There are children here!
Chiriko: What the fuck? I'm so fucking sick of being called a child. Well screw that! I'm thirteen and I may look fucking six, but I'm NOT! So fuck off!
Mitsukake: *quietly sits down*
Miaka: I'm here, who wants to yell my name first?
Tamahome: MIAKA!
Miaka: Tamahome!
Nakago: *ahem* Excuse me, would everyone sit down. I really don't have time to....*sees Tamahome* Tamahome! Why haven't you answered my calls? I'll pay more! I'll give up everything! I don't care how expensive your rates are!
Tamahome: *stops making out with Miaka* I'm trying to appear straight, Nakago.
Nakago: My mistake. Now then, sit down or I'll kill you all!
Tamahome: Oh! You're so sexy when you give idle death threats.
Nakago: I know it. Now if you don't mind I believe we have a game show to start here!
Miaka: That's right! My numerous admirers are competing for my affections!
Nakago: Actually, they're competing for Tasuki.
Miaka: But...but every male character in the series wants ME! ME ME ME!!!
Nakago: Sorry, but Tasuki's just way more sexy than you. And, in reference to most of the males on the show...he's a GUY.
Tamahome: Nakago! *bursts out crying*
Nakago: *ahem* Okay, here we have four *ahem* people competing for the uh...mystery guest. Let's call them 1, 2, 3, and 4. Okay. Tamahome, you're not competing or I'll kill you and proceed to use your corpse in bed every night...
Tamahome: AH! Nakago...you're so...impulsive. I can't stand it! Let's get out of here and go to my place.
Nakago: But I already had someone burn down your house and kill your family.
Tamahome: Damn! Okay, let's just go backstage. *they run off and various articles of clothing fly about, Miaka wails and whines*
Chiriko: Nihao! I'm your new host. Demo, I don't know what this show is about...but I'll improvise. Let's meet our uh...guests! I'll ask questions from these cards. Okay *ahem* Number one, If you took Tasuki-kun out, how many....Mitsukake? What's sex? I don't like that question. Number two...oh, wait...what's a strip tease again? *ahem* Number three, If you...OY! What the hell is an orgas--
Suboshi: *grabs cards* Okay, I'm your new host, Suboshi! Gimme those, twerp.
Amiboshi: And I'm Amiboshi!
Suboshi: Number four, what would you rather use: hot wax, ice cubes, wine and whipped cream or....*pause* ANIKI!
Amiboshi: Hmmm...? Um...Shun-chan...that card's so original...
Suboshi: Indeed...*ahem* Let's...go...take this card...and...go back...to do boring stuff...like... making impassioned love in my bed! *pause* Dammit! So much for being subtle! *they hurry off*
Tasuki: Fuck this! I'm the new host!
Chiriko: You can't, Tasuki-kun! You're the guest!
Tasuki: You be the damn guest, Chiriko.
Chiriko: But I don't want to...isn't that child molesting?
Tasuki: You're thirteen, you only LOOK six. Now then, which fucking one of these guys d'you wanna spend the night with?
#2: That's not right, Tasuki no da!
Chiriko: I have to analyze their personalities first! Ask the questions!
Tasuki: *groans* Number one, if you were stranded on a desert island, and I...er...the mystery person, I mean...was bound and gagged....what would you...OY! That's just fucking wrong!
#1: Dress you up in royal clothing and pretend you were Hotohori-sama before making love to you all night!
Chiriko: I feel sick, Tasuki-kun....
Tasuki: Number two? What about you?
#2: That's very wrong, no da! I'm celibate no da!
Tasuki: *cracks up* Yeah right! That's funny, Chiri!
#2: Shut up, no da!
#3: How can you even ask me that? Non-consensual relationships are wrong! Turning on people who trust you is wrong! Stabbing your best friend in the back is wrong! Lying and raping and all of that is WRONG! Wrong wrong wrong! *hysterically cries*
Tasuki: What the hell? Number four...?
#4: I'd...pretend you were a girl...because I uh...only like girls...then I'd get some...money...and ...and OH! I'd uh...I mean....mmm...
Tasuki: You're supposed to be on the fucking stage, not backstage fucking.
Chiriko: That was funny, Tasuki-kun! *giggles girlishly* I don't understand it, but damn, it was funny!
Tasuki: You're so fucking cute! Stop it!
Chi...er...#2: That was funny, Tasuki, no da!
Tasuki: Shut the fuck up all of you! I'm hot and sexy, not funny! Damn it! Next question!
#3: I don't want to date anyone! I'll kill you all! Tricking me! Stupid book! Stupid Nakago! Stupid Miaka! Stupid Tamahome! Stupid Suboshi!
Tasuki: #3, what the hell is your problem?
#3: You all tricked me! I hate you!
Tasuki: Okay...number three's really psychotic and bitchy. Next question! #1, why are you on this show?
#1: I was hoping the guest would be Hotohori-sama! But since it's not, I was hoping the guest would be willing to make passionate love to me because I'm so lonely!! *sobs* Or, the guest could be Miaka, in order to confuse me about my sexuality!
Tasuki: Chiriko, who d'you want?
Chiriko: *cries* I don't know! I'm so confused! I....I....I want YOU Tasuki-kun!!
Tasuki: *face faults* fuck...this ain't good....*turns to Chiriko* TAKE ME!!
#2: DAAA!!! TASUKI!
#1: It's okay. I'll *ahem* comfort you, Chichiri...
Chichiri: *sobbing* Huh, no da? How will YOU do that Nuri....*pause* Hey, a monk can only be celibate so long!
Nuriko: *grins*
Tasuki: What about #3 and #4?
#3: Shut up! Leave me alone! You'll rape me! Like Nakago did! And Suboshi! And those men in the alley! And Tetsuya! And Tomo! And...
Tasuki: Tomo never raped you. He's in love with Nakago. Wait...Nakago never raped you either...neither did...
#3: SHUT UP!
Tasuki: What about #4?
#4: Mmm...I'm...busy....
Tasuki: Uh huh. With NAKAGO! And to think I used to tease Nuriko....
Miaka: *wails and whines*