DISCLAIMER: No ownership claimed, no okane gained...
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a project I've been wanting to undertake for quite some time. At first, I debated whether I should write journals of Nuriko's life as a shichiseishi, or simply write them from the perspective of him existing in the real world. What did I eventually decide on? Eh...you'll see. ^_^.
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Chronicles of a Suzaku Shichiseishi: Nuriko's Journals
by Ryuen
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Entry: 1
Day: 1
Time: Early morning
I had the dream again.
It's a little after dawn right now...I've been up since two, walking around the palace grounds and trying to tire myself out enough to sleep...but, all I've managed to do is make my body as weary as my mind. But, that's all right. The life of a princess of the realm isn't challenging. Nothing more to get done today than go to the harem, do a little sewing, a little primping, listen to Kayaki-san chide us again about not being demure enough when in the presence of the emperor, and then come back to my quarters and "rest" until dinner. Oh, right--dinner! I almost forgot...today's the day, isn't it?
Ahhh, mattaku...this is a journal...you have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? Fine, fine, I'll explain. Every few months or so, Heika-sama's advisors make him stop by the harem, hand-select a few ladies to join him for dinner--and, even though I'm sure he doesn't want to, he does it...every few months...consistently. He hasn't chosen me, yet...and I doubt he ever will...but, that's all right. He doesn't seem to take much interest in the women, anyway. Of course, he's polite to them--Heika-sama is polite to just about everyone...but, there's something...dead in his eyes when he speaks to them. It's almost like he isn't quite...THERE when he's with them, like he's not even paying attention. I don't mean that like it sounds, though--he IS paying attention in the respect that he hears what they say and responds to it...but, he doesn't try to CONNECT with them. He doesn't look at them like they have anything to offer him...yeah. That's what I mean.
Hm. Maybe he just doesn't like women. He wouldn't be the first okama emperor. Hehe. In that case, maybe I SHOULD get picked...
Ehhh, gomen nasai. I have a horrible sense of humor. ^_^
Anyway...I doubt he'll choose me, anyway...particularly looking like this. My hair's a mess and I have these lovely dark circles under my eyes...ugh. I really have to get some sleep. Mattaku, I don't think I've slept straight through a night for at least a month. It doesn't stop me from performing my 'duties,' of course--like I said before, the life of a court harem girl isn't all that challenging...but, it's a dangerous thing. When I'm tired, I slip more and more into a voice deeper than I should have, sometimes fall asleep in the bath, and once I was so exhausted that I nearly forgot my...uh...situation and let one of my maids undress me. Good god, that would've been bad...
Eh, but enough writing for this morning. I'm tired and I keep getting ink all over my fingers...not at all becoming for a lady of the court. Houki--thanks for the journal idea...maybe I'll be nice and let you read it sometime...then again, maybe this will be just for me. Hm. I kind of like that...yeah. Just for me.
Mata ne...
-Korin
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Entry: 2
Day: 1
Time: Mid-afternoon
Well, that's it. Suzaku, I don't know what you're up to...but whatever it is, I'm not playing along. It's not fair...and it's not right. Not nice to tease the crossdressing freak, ne?
I've been invited to dine with the emperor tonight. Just me. One of the court messengers just stopped by a few minutes ago, handed me an oh-so-neatly-written invitation and told me to be ready by seven. Good GOD, what's going on?? Why me? Why now? Gnaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (That, journal-chan, was a cry of frustration. Just in case you wondered.)
I just...I won't go, that's all. He never notices who he's dining with, anyway...ahh, I'll ask Houki! She'll go...won't she? Gah. It wouldn't be nearly as frustrating if I didn't want to go so BADLY...urrggggh. I caught a glimpse of him today, on my way to the harem...he was just sitting there on his balcony, staring up into the sky. He looked so...at peace...but, there was something in his eyes, something in the way he held his head...like he was waiting for something. But, gods...he's beautiful. Damn it, it's not fair.
Well...maybe, I WILL go. After all...it would be a personal insult to turn down an invitation from the emperor himself...and, it's not like he's going to command me to undress in front of him while I'm there...I should be okay. If I'm careful...if I think very hard about EVERYTHING I do before I do it...I should be okay. Yeah...and, anyway...there must be a reason why he picked me and JUST me to dine with him...right? Some reason...hm. No. No, I can't get my hopes up...I can't even think about that...because, then, if it's not true...gods, it'll be even harder than it's been up until now. So, I won't think about it...but, I will go over to the closet and get out my best dress, get my maids to help me fix my hair...yes. I'm going to see the emperor, after all...why not dazzle him with my beauty and charm? Heh. Right.
Ne, but I can hope, can't I? Even if all the odds are against it... After all, even if he DID like me, it's not like I could do anything about it...gods. Why couldn't I have just been born a girl?
Mata ne...I'll write again later...you can count on that.
-Korin
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Entry: 3
Day: 1
Time: Late Evening
What a weird, weird, weird, weird night. Honestly. I've been sitting here in my room for the last twenty minutes, just staring up at the ceiling and trying to figure out what's going on...and I still have no idea. Mostly, it wasn't at all what I expected...but, in some ways, it very much was. Argh, it's complicated...I'll just tell you about it.
I spent most of the afternoon getting ready. I washed my hair, had it braided and perfumed and piled on top of my head...then, there was make-up, of course...a little light rose on the cheeks, a bit of violet on the eyelids, thin lines of black framing my eyes, a generous bit of pink on my lips. Picking out the right dress was the hardest part, I think. I had to send my maids out of the room for it, of course...but, even with their help, it wouldn't have been easy. As a princess of the realm, I have lots of dresses...but, going to see an emperor...it deserves more than just a day-to-day dress, doesn't it?
The one I finally decided on was one Houki'd been letting me borrow...frankly, I think it looks better on me than it does on her, anyway...gomen ne, Houki. Anyway...the main part of the dress is a very light, pale blue--it crisscrosses over my chest, cinches at the waist with a piece of matching blue ribbon, and then there's a sheer skirt of the same color that drapes down to my ankles. That's my favorite part of the dress, actually...that soft, sheer blue skirt...but, it's a little too form-fitting for someone of my...uh...situation to wear alone. Luckily, though, there's more to the dress than that--there's a second layer, this one a light pink, that wraps down over the front of the dress, runs down over the sheer blue material and acts as the real skirt. All in all, it's a very pretty dress, and it makes ME look pretty.
Anyway...the point is that I looked nice. Maybe more than nice. Maybe even beautiful...and, I spent all that time preparing KNOWING that Heika-sama wasn't even going to look twice at me, that he was just going to see another pretty harem girl and nothing more. But, still...STILL...I made myself beautiful. I don't know...I guess that shouldn't mean anything special...but, to me, it seems important. I don't know.
Anyway...since we poor helpless ladies aren't supposed to go walking around the palace unescorted after dark, there were two of Heika-sama's personal guards to pick me up at seven. They were a few minutes early...but, that was all right. I'd been ready for two hours or so, anyway. They didn't say much...but, I did catch one of them taking a nice long look at me before he turned around and started walking...hehe. It always makes me smile when men look at me, though...it feels like some great private joke. Haha, you're admiring a man...I don't know. More of my twisted sense of humor, I guess.
The guards took me to the emperor's private chambers. We went the back way, which surprised me a bit--I've walked that way before, of course, mostly during my late-night walks...but, usually, the ladies of the court aren't permitted to pass through that area, even escorted. Anyway...when we finally got to the emperor's chambers, the guards led me inside, said something about Heika letting me know when he was ready...and then, poof, they were gone. Moved so quietly I didn't even hear them leave...just knew that all of a sudden, I was alone. And, gods, I WAS alone. There was no sign of Heika-sama anywhere, no sign of anyone at all...so, what could I do? I walked around the entry room a bit, looked at the works of art on the walls, the little statues on the shelves...not that any of that would give me some kind of insight into the emperor's character. They're nothing more than show-pieces, things emperors are supposed to have in their outer chambers.
I don't need to know him personally to know that he's not a showy man--at least not with his possessions. If he'd decorated the room for himself...I'm pretty sure there'd be a lot less in it, maybe a few portraits of himself or people he cares for, a mirror or two, maybe one of those tasteful little wooden tables...but, not the art, the tapestries, the showiness. I bet he hates it.
Anyway...I waited for about ten minutes before anything happened. Finally, then, the door to the inner chambers swung open, and another guard came forward, took my arm. It surprised me--I mean, it always surprises me when anyone's hands get too close to my chest...but, luckily, he didn't brush against anything...or, uh, lack-of-anything, I guess I should say. Gomen...I'm so bad. ^_^
Daaaaakara. The guard led me inside...and, you know, even now, I can't remember a damn thing about the actual room apart from the fact that it was a little subtler than the outer chamber, a little softer on the eyes...and, gods, I couldn't tell you a single thing I ate. All I remember is him...Saihitei...our beautiful young emperor of Konan...ahh. Wish you could hear me sighing, journal-chan. Ahhhhhh. He's the most perfect man I've ever seen in my entire life...it's almost painful to look at him.
When I walked in, he got up from the table, bowed to me, even pushed in my chair for me...very gallant. But, then, those are the same manners he treats every woman to, those cool, practiced movements all the other harem girls swoon over...but, gods, that's nothing! Nothing at ALL! Any man can have manners...any EMPEROR can have manners...but, Heika-sama...ahhhh, he has something else...something more. I can't describe it...there's just something about him. Maybe it's the way I can see the depth of his thoughts through those beautiful amber eyes...or, maybe it's the way he seems to almost instinctively cater to the wishes of everyone but himself...he barely touched his meal, spent most of the dinner asking me how MY food was, how MY wine tasted, whether I was too cold or too hot or whether I minded that he had the window open. Gods...how can anyone be that self-sacrificing, that completely and totally focused on the needs of everyone but himself? I almost bashed my fists into the table and yelled at him to stop it by the end of the meal...and, it wasn't because his questions were bothering me. Hell no--I was glad for the attention...but, gods, he needs to take care of himself, too!
Then again, look at his life...emperor since he was...what, fourteen or so? Before that he lived for the day he'd become emperor, and after that, he lived for his country, his advisors, his people...maybe he's been BRED to help everyone but himself. It must be hard, though. To live for someone else like that...to know that every moment of your life belongs to someone else, is FOR someone else...
Hm. Then again...maybe I'm not one to talk.
Anyway. I'm tired. There's not much else to say about the dinner except to say that I doubt Heika-sama will even remember my face by tomorrow morning. Demo...I'm not bitter about it. I expected it...I was ready for it. Now, I just have to live with it.
Oyasumi.
-Korin
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Entry: 4
Day: 7
Time: Late Evening
Gomen nasai, journal-chan...I've been neglecting you these past few days. Demo...I've had good reason. The morning after I wrote last...a girl showed up at court. Doesn't sound like that earth-shattering an event, I know...but, wait--it gets better...and worse. The girl was Suzaku no Miko.
The first I heard of her, I was in the harem, telling Houki about my evening with Heika-sama...and, then, Kayaki-san came charging in and started shrieking that Suzaku no Miko was here, Konan was saved, she was looking for the rest of her shichiseishi, etcetera, etcetera. I tuned her out after the first word or so, anyway. Because, gods...if Suzaku no Miko was here... I stood up, left the room without giving Houki or anyone else any kind of explanation...because I knew immediately that things were going to change from now on...and that I needed to be ready for when they did. I've hidden the secret of my maleness very well over the years...but, I've hidden something else even better...even from you, Houki.
Because, you see...I am Nuriko...a Suzaku shichiseishi.
All my life, I heard the stories...of how the Miko would come one day, and together with her seishi she would save Konan from destruction and unite the world in peace. I was very young the first time I realized I was one of the seishi, too. I'd always known I was stronger than most of the other kids my age--and most of the adults, too...but, I never knew why until one day, some bullies were picking on Rokou...and, I fought them. It was a very strange sensation--kind of like...like a heat, spreading over my skin...but, it wasn't painful or uncomfortable. It was like...like strength...power...and, before I knew it, the bullies were running away before I even hit them, screaming that I was a monster or a demon or something...and it wasn't until I looked down at my chest that I realized what they meant. Rokou didn't see...he was too busy being terrified and hiding behind a bush...but, Korin...she saw. And, somehow, she knew what it meant, even though I didn't.
From then on, I wore high-collared shirts, to hide my seishi symbol. I miss those collared tunics, I think.
Anyway. I ran from the harem, went back to my room and sat for awhile. I knew what I wanted to do--I wanted to go hide somewhere, pretend I was nothing more than a normal girl (not that I claim to be that, anyway) and just wait for things to blow over...but, at the same time, I could feel that fire burning over my skin...even though I haven't felt it for a long, long time...I felt it then...like a ghost of a sensation. It was strange...but, gods, it made up my mind for me before I had a chance to ponder for long. Without me...the Miko would never be able to call upon Suzaku, would never be able to bring peace to Konan...so, I went. I changed into a different dress, one with a softer collar, one that could be turned down--in case the Miko needed proof, of course. After all, I wasn't about to strip off my shirt to show her my symbol...the dress just made things simpler.
One of my maids had to come with me...because, even though a harem girl out wandering through the palace in the daytime is conspicuous, one wandering around ALONE in the daytime is even moreso. So, my maid and I started walking around the palace, looking for the Miko...and, it wasn't too hard to spot her. My first glimpse of her was nothing more than a far-off glimpse, but I saw enough to know that she was NOTHING like what I'd expected. She was young, for one thing--just a little girl, really, maybe fourteen or fifteen at the most. Bubbly, naive, and that voice! Aggh...screechy, high-pitched...like nails scratching down a wall. Nearly drove me crazy...but, before I'd had much of a chance to notice anything more about her, I caught a glimpse of the emperor...and felt my heart freeze in my chest. Gods...that way he looked at her...his eyes. That's the main thing I remember. I was so far away from them, peering past a pillar from the palace walkway...but, I could see enough of those eyes to know that something had changed. He'd found what he'd been waiting for...and I knew right then that Saihitei, our beautiful young emperor of Konan, was in love with Suzaku no Miko.
This girl. This irritating, strangely-dressed little girl...was who Saihitei wanted. Not me...not Houki...not any of the fifty or so girls in the harem...her. Suzaku no Miko. He wanted her.
I didn't have much chance to get angry, though...because the next minute, Miko was running from a bunch of enraged samarai, ducked beneath a gazebo when one of the men through a hammer at her head--not that I blamed him, of course. I was about ready to lash out at her myself... As I watched, the man I'd seen earlier, the one my maid told me was called Tamahome--the Miko's protector...he dashed forward, knocked away the men like they were nothing more than little kids. While I was watching him, though, I heard a loud crack, and the emperor cried out for Miko to watch out...and, then, BAM, the whole gazebo came crashing down on the girl's head.
It was...strange. It was a reflex--but, before I even managed to form a thought or remember that I was busy hating this girl...I began to run towards her. No one saw me, not even my maid--they were all busy watching the Miko and her protector being buried in a mound of wood and stone. Even when I think back on it now, I don't know why I did what I did. It was, like I said, a reflex. I was drawn to protect the Miko even before I knew who she was...and, so I ran to her...and when even the great Saihitei couldn't save her from being crushed beneath the rubble...I did. It wasn't for him, or for what I thought I could get by impressing him with my strength...no. It was for her...the Miko...the most annoying, grating girl I'd ever met...because that was what the fire burning within me told me to do. So, I did it.
But, afterwards...after she and Tamahome were safe...I remembered myself and got right back to hating her. I was cruel to her...very cruel. When she introduced herself with a cute little, "Watashi wa Yuuki Miaka!" I ignored her...and then I walked over to Tamahome--the man who'd protected her, the man I could see her blushing at everytime she glanced in his direction--and I kissed him. Hai, it was childish...hai, it was below me...hai, it was something those other idiots in the harem would do...but, I couldn't help it. Something within me had just...just snapped, and I was reduced to playing stupid, childish games to get some kind of revenge. I don't know. It wasn't my proudest moment...none of the next few days were.
I hung on Tamahome a lot. It kind of surprised me, actually, the way I was clinging to him. Is he stupid? Can't he feel it when the "girl" hugging onto his arm has a flat chest? What, was he just being polite, thought I was underdeveloped? Baka. Anyway...after a few days and a lot of stuff I don't really want to go into in here, Miaka got sick...had a fever, very weak, the usual stuff...and, somehow, Hotohori-sama (that's Saihitei, if I forgot to mention that before) figured out that she needed to return to her world to get better...so, naturally, she'd have to pay a visit to Taiitsu-kun. And, who better to escort her than her three seishi? At first, despite the fact that I'd come to stop hating her, I really, really didn't want to go. First of all, it's a lot more difficult to hide one's...uh...true nature when out traveling around than it is in the privacy of one's own chambers...and second of all, because I just KNEW Hotohori-sama was going to be staring at her the entire time...it's enough to make a girl sick. Or...uh...whatever it is I am. ^_^
Actually, though, it was something Hotohori-sama himself said that made me change my mind. He said, "As a Suzaku shichiseishi, it is my destiny to protect you, Miaka...always."
It's my destiny, too. No matter how childish she is, no matter how irritating and annoying and painfully-shrill...she's my Miko, and I'm her seishi...and so I'll protect her, to the best of my ability, for as long as I live. Even if she drives me nuts...I'll still do it. Because, I am Nuriko...a Suzaku shichiseishi.
I'll write more of what happened later. I'm exhausted. We just got back last night from Taiitsu-kun's, and I don't think I've ever been so tired in my life. Everything aches...and, not just my body, either. Eh, but I'll explain the rest later. Oyasumi.
-Korin
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Entry: 5
Day: 15
Time: Early Morning
I had the dream again. Gods, why can't it just leave me alone? I didn't have it at all the week I spent with Miaka, Tamahome, and Hotohori-sama...but, wasn't it kind? It was patient, waited until things settled down again to come back, haunt me some more. Damn it, I hate that dream. I hate it... But, I don't want to talk about it now. It's not even dawn yet, and I'm awake, pacing around my room like some kind of caged animal or something. The impossible has happened, too--Miaka's gone...and I miss her. Mattaku, what's wrong with me!? But, anyway...I didn't finish telling you what happened on the trip to Taiitsu-kun's. Eek. It was...uh...kind of disturbing.
It started out well...and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't fun, because it was. Just being with Hotohori-sama and Tamahome, exchanging conversation with the emperor himself and having him look at me like a PERSON instead of just another girl with fluttering eyelashes and a pretty face...it was good. I think he's even more beautiful dressed in normal clothes...if that's possible. I don't know. It makes him seem...realer, somehow...or maybe it just makes him seem attainable. But, of course, he's not. He loves Miaka. I could see it from the beginning...I see it even moreso now. But, poor Hotohori-sama...he's in for a bad time if he keeps it up...because, Miaka is in love with Tamahome...and, Tamahome--even if he doesn't realize it yet--is in love with her, too. Maaaattaku, what a mess!
Anyway. About midway through the trip, I made up my mind that Tamahome and Miaka--if put together in the right situation and with the right encouragement--would have to figure out that they loved each other...so, I started plotting. Why would I do such a thing, you wonder? Good question. The part of my mind I know as Korin tells me that I did it so Hotohori-sama and Miaka would never get together, and so perhaps I might have a chance with him. That seems like a good enough explanation...but, there's another part of me, one deep down, clawing its way to the surface...and that me says something different.
It says I did it because I love this stupid, bubbly girl...because I want her to be happy, and I want her to be with the man she loves. It sounds dumb...even now...but, it also, somehow, sounds a lot like truth. Huh. Maybe it is. I don't know. A lot of things are changing. Miaka found out my secret.
It was after I sent her to a waterfall to bathe, and after I sent Tamahome loping on after her. I'd hoped something would happen, and it did--although not in the way I thought it would. Still, even though Tama-chan didn't make a move on her...he did come very close to telling her he loved her, and that was almost better. Lust is common...exclamations of a purer kind of love are not. I should know.
After Tamahome left, I let Miaka know I was there, came over to gloat...and to see how she was taking the whole thing. She was a little...uh...too excited. Before I could stop her, she was grabbing onto the collar of my dress, shaking me by it in what I can only guess was happiness...and then, BANG!...my shirt slipped down and oh gods above she saw everything...or...uh...my lack of everything. And, there was no going back.
I won't go into the icky details...but, Tamahome and Hotohori-sama know about me now, too...and believe it or not, it wasn't entirely Miaka's fault. At first, I was mortified...but, now it almost feels like a relief. I still have to hide around the palace, of course...but I can be who I am with them...whatever it is that I am. Somehow...that's comforting. Even if it means I have even less of a chance with Hotohori-sama than I did when he thought I was a woman.
Anyway...after a few minor and not-so-minor mishaps, we reached Taiitsu-kun's...and, Miaka went back to her world. Tamahome was barely conscious on the ride home--gods, how can he not see that he loves her when her going away leaves him this bent out of shape?
He's stupid, though. Then again, I guess most men in love are.
Wanna know something strange? We're back in the palace now, waiting until Miaka comes back even though we have no idea how long that might take...and, somehow...everything feels different. I'm still the same person, still wearing the same dresses, doing the same daily rituals...but, it's very, very different. I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm NOT the same person who rode out of Konan a few weeks ago, if maybe...maybe something happened on that trip that changed the basis of who I am...and maybe changed Tamahome and Hotohori-sama, too. Hotohori talks to me, now--and like a human being, no less. I don't know, maybe he just has a low opinion of harem women...but, now...gods, even though he knows I've been deceiving him all this time, he talks to me like we're old friends. It's kind of disconcerting sometimes...but I don't let it bother me. I love being with him...even just as a fellow seishi. So, I talk to him whenever I can...when I'm not keeping Tamahome from breaking his teeth on china or accidentally walking into walls, that is. The baka. He's a mess with Miaka gone.
Maybe we all are, though. It's funny...but, she was only with us for such a short time...and, yet it feels like there's a hole in my life now...like there was something very important there a few minutes ago...but, now it's gone.
I hope it comes back soon.
I'm having tea with Hotohori-sama this afternoon. It's just an excuse of his to talk about Miaka, of course, and wonder aloud when she's coming home, what she might be doing, if she's feeling better or not...but, that's all right. Like I said...I love just being near him. And, even if it's not what he feels for Miaka...I think he likes being with me, too. Maybe...right now...that's enough.
Ah, and he calls me "Nuriko." They all do. And, even though I've never, ever used that name before...even though it should sound foreign and strange and WRONG...it doesn't. It's perfect.
Watashi wa Nuriko.
I'll write more later. Ja.
-Nuriko
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*AUTHOR'S NOTE: More to come. I plan on going the whole way through the series with this...or, at least up to episode thirty-two. ^_^. *ahem* But, anyway. Be kind, rewind...agh, wait, that's not right... Ah, yes! Be kind...leave a review. It will make me oh-so-happy and my Nuriko muse will dance about the room and sing...ahhhhh, he sings so well... *glazed look* -Ryuen
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a project I've been wanting to undertake for quite some time. At first, I debated whether I should write journals of Nuriko's life as a shichiseishi, or simply write them from the perspective of him existing in the real world. What did I eventually decide on? Eh...you'll see. ^_^.
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Chronicles of a Suzaku Shichiseishi: Nuriko's Journals
by Ryuen
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Entry: 1
Day: 1
Time: Early morning
I had the dream again.
It's a little after dawn right now...I've been up since two, walking around the palace grounds and trying to tire myself out enough to sleep...but, all I've managed to do is make my body as weary as my mind. But, that's all right. The life of a princess of the realm isn't challenging. Nothing more to get done today than go to the harem, do a little sewing, a little primping, listen to Kayaki-san chide us again about not being demure enough when in the presence of the emperor, and then come back to my quarters and "rest" until dinner. Oh, right--dinner! I almost forgot...today's the day, isn't it?
Ahhh, mattaku...this is a journal...you have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? Fine, fine, I'll explain. Every few months or so, Heika-sama's advisors make him stop by the harem, hand-select a few ladies to join him for dinner--and, even though I'm sure he doesn't want to, he does it...every few months...consistently. He hasn't chosen me, yet...and I doubt he ever will...but, that's all right. He doesn't seem to take much interest in the women, anyway. Of course, he's polite to them--Heika-sama is polite to just about everyone...but, there's something...dead in his eyes when he speaks to them. It's almost like he isn't quite...THERE when he's with them, like he's not even paying attention. I don't mean that like it sounds, though--he IS paying attention in the respect that he hears what they say and responds to it...but, he doesn't try to CONNECT with them. He doesn't look at them like they have anything to offer him...yeah. That's what I mean.
Hm. Maybe he just doesn't like women. He wouldn't be the first okama emperor. Hehe. In that case, maybe I SHOULD get picked...
Ehhh, gomen nasai. I have a horrible sense of humor. ^_^
Anyway...I doubt he'll choose me, anyway...particularly looking like this. My hair's a mess and I have these lovely dark circles under my eyes...ugh. I really have to get some sleep. Mattaku, I don't think I've slept straight through a night for at least a month. It doesn't stop me from performing my 'duties,' of course--like I said before, the life of a court harem girl isn't all that challenging...but, it's a dangerous thing. When I'm tired, I slip more and more into a voice deeper than I should have, sometimes fall asleep in the bath, and once I was so exhausted that I nearly forgot my...uh...situation and let one of my maids undress me. Good god, that would've been bad...
Eh, but enough writing for this morning. I'm tired and I keep getting ink all over my fingers...not at all becoming for a lady of the court. Houki--thanks for the journal idea...maybe I'll be nice and let you read it sometime...then again, maybe this will be just for me. Hm. I kind of like that...yeah. Just for me.
Mata ne...
-Korin
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Entry: 2
Day: 1
Time: Mid-afternoon
Well, that's it. Suzaku, I don't know what you're up to...but whatever it is, I'm not playing along. It's not fair...and it's not right. Not nice to tease the crossdressing freak, ne?
I've been invited to dine with the emperor tonight. Just me. One of the court messengers just stopped by a few minutes ago, handed me an oh-so-neatly-written invitation and told me to be ready by seven. Good GOD, what's going on?? Why me? Why now? Gnaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (That, journal-chan, was a cry of frustration. Just in case you wondered.)
I just...I won't go, that's all. He never notices who he's dining with, anyway...ahh, I'll ask Houki! She'll go...won't she? Gah. It wouldn't be nearly as frustrating if I didn't want to go so BADLY...urrggggh. I caught a glimpse of him today, on my way to the harem...he was just sitting there on his balcony, staring up into the sky. He looked so...at peace...but, there was something in his eyes, something in the way he held his head...like he was waiting for something. But, gods...he's beautiful. Damn it, it's not fair.
Well...maybe, I WILL go. After all...it would be a personal insult to turn down an invitation from the emperor himself...and, it's not like he's going to command me to undress in front of him while I'm there...I should be okay. If I'm careful...if I think very hard about EVERYTHING I do before I do it...I should be okay. Yeah...and, anyway...there must be a reason why he picked me and JUST me to dine with him...right? Some reason...hm. No. No, I can't get my hopes up...I can't even think about that...because, then, if it's not true...gods, it'll be even harder than it's been up until now. So, I won't think about it...but, I will go over to the closet and get out my best dress, get my maids to help me fix my hair...yes. I'm going to see the emperor, after all...why not dazzle him with my beauty and charm? Heh. Right.
Ne, but I can hope, can't I? Even if all the odds are against it... After all, even if he DID like me, it's not like I could do anything about it...gods. Why couldn't I have just been born a girl?
Mata ne...I'll write again later...you can count on that.
-Korin
~ ~ ~
Entry: 3
Day: 1
Time: Late Evening
What a weird, weird, weird, weird night. Honestly. I've been sitting here in my room for the last twenty minutes, just staring up at the ceiling and trying to figure out what's going on...and I still have no idea. Mostly, it wasn't at all what I expected...but, in some ways, it very much was. Argh, it's complicated...I'll just tell you about it.
I spent most of the afternoon getting ready. I washed my hair, had it braided and perfumed and piled on top of my head...then, there was make-up, of course...a little light rose on the cheeks, a bit of violet on the eyelids, thin lines of black framing my eyes, a generous bit of pink on my lips. Picking out the right dress was the hardest part, I think. I had to send my maids out of the room for it, of course...but, even with their help, it wouldn't have been easy. As a princess of the realm, I have lots of dresses...but, going to see an emperor...it deserves more than just a day-to-day dress, doesn't it?
The one I finally decided on was one Houki'd been letting me borrow...frankly, I think it looks better on me than it does on her, anyway...gomen ne, Houki. Anyway...the main part of the dress is a very light, pale blue--it crisscrosses over my chest, cinches at the waist with a piece of matching blue ribbon, and then there's a sheer skirt of the same color that drapes down to my ankles. That's my favorite part of the dress, actually...that soft, sheer blue skirt...but, it's a little too form-fitting for someone of my...uh...situation to wear alone. Luckily, though, there's more to the dress than that--there's a second layer, this one a light pink, that wraps down over the front of the dress, runs down over the sheer blue material and acts as the real skirt. All in all, it's a very pretty dress, and it makes ME look pretty.
Anyway...the point is that I looked nice. Maybe more than nice. Maybe even beautiful...and, I spent all that time preparing KNOWING that Heika-sama wasn't even going to look twice at me, that he was just going to see another pretty harem girl and nothing more. But, still...STILL...I made myself beautiful. I don't know...I guess that shouldn't mean anything special...but, to me, it seems important. I don't know.
Anyway...since we poor helpless ladies aren't supposed to go walking around the palace unescorted after dark, there were two of Heika-sama's personal guards to pick me up at seven. They were a few minutes early...but, that was all right. I'd been ready for two hours or so, anyway. They didn't say much...but, I did catch one of them taking a nice long look at me before he turned around and started walking...hehe. It always makes me smile when men look at me, though...it feels like some great private joke. Haha, you're admiring a man...I don't know. More of my twisted sense of humor, I guess.
The guards took me to the emperor's private chambers. We went the back way, which surprised me a bit--I've walked that way before, of course, mostly during my late-night walks...but, usually, the ladies of the court aren't permitted to pass through that area, even escorted. Anyway...when we finally got to the emperor's chambers, the guards led me inside, said something about Heika letting me know when he was ready...and then, poof, they were gone. Moved so quietly I didn't even hear them leave...just knew that all of a sudden, I was alone. And, gods, I WAS alone. There was no sign of Heika-sama anywhere, no sign of anyone at all...so, what could I do? I walked around the entry room a bit, looked at the works of art on the walls, the little statues on the shelves...not that any of that would give me some kind of insight into the emperor's character. They're nothing more than show-pieces, things emperors are supposed to have in their outer chambers.
I don't need to know him personally to know that he's not a showy man--at least not with his possessions. If he'd decorated the room for himself...I'm pretty sure there'd be a lot less in it, maybe a few portraits of himself or people he cares for, a mirror or two, maybe one of those tasteful little wooden tables...but, not the art, the tapestries, the showiness. I bet he hates it.
Anyway...I waited for about ten minutes before anything happened. Finally, then, the door to the inner chambers swung open, and another guard came forward, took my arm. It surprised me--I mean, it always surprises me when anyone's hands get too close to my chest...but, luckily, he didn't brush against anything...or, uh, lack-of-anything, I guess I should say. Gomen...I'm so bad. ^_^
Daaaaakara. The guard led me inside...and, you know, even now, I can't remember a damn thing about the actual room apart from the fact that it was a little subtler than the outer chamber, a little softer on the eyes...and, gods, I couldn't tell you a single thing I ate. All I remember is him...Saihitei...our beautiful young emperor of Konan...ahh. Wish you could hear me sighing, journal-chan. Ahhhhhh. He's the most perfect man I've ever seen in my entire life...it's almost painful to look at him.
When I walked in, he got up from the table, bowed to me, even pushed in my chair for me...very gallant. But, then, those are the same manners he treats every woman to, those cool, practiced movements all the other harem girls swoon over...but, gods, that's nothing! Nothing at ALL! Any man can have manners...any EMPEROR can have manners...but, Heika-sama...ahhhh, he has something else...something more. I can't describe it...there's just something about him. Maybe it's the way I can see the depth of his thoughts through those beautiful amber eyes...or, maybe it's the way he seems to almost instinctively cater to the wishes of everyone but himself...he barely touched his meal, spent most of the dinner asking me how MY food was, how MY wine tasted, whether I was too cold or too hot or whether I minded that he had the window open. Gods...how can anyone be that self-sacrificing, that completely and totally focused on the needs of everyone but himself? I almost bashed my fists into the table and yelled at him to stop it by the end of the meal...and, it wasn't because his questions were bothering me. Hell no--I was glad for the attention...but, gods, he needs to take care of himself, too!
Then again, look at his life...emperor since he was...what, fourteen or so? Before that he lived for the day he'd become emperor, and after that, he lived for his country, his advisors, his people...maybe he's been BRED to help everyone but himself. It must be hard, though. To live for someone else like that...to know that every moment of your life belongs to someone else, is FOR someone else...
Hm. Then again...maybe I'm not one to talk.
Anyway. I'm tired. There's not much else to say about the dinner except to say that I doubt Heika-sama will even remember my face by tomorrow morning. Demo...I'm not bitter about it. I expected it...I was ready for it. Now, I just have to live with it.
Oyasumi.
-Korin
~ ~ ~
Entry: 4
Day: 7
Time: Late Evening
Gomen nasai, journal-chan...I've been neglecting you these past few days. Demo...I've had good reason. The morning after I wrote last...a girl showed up at court. Doesn't sound like that earth-shattering an event, I know...but, wait--it gets better...and worse. The girl was Suzaku no Miko.
The first I heard of her, I was in the harem, telling Houki about my evening with Heika-sama...and, then, Kayaki-san came charging in and started shrieking that Suzaku no Miko was here, Konan was saved, she was looking for the rest of her shichiseishi, etcetera, etcetera. I tuned her out after the first word or so, anyway. Because, gods...if Suzaku no Miko was here... I stood up, left the room without giving Houki or anyone else any kind of explanation...because I knew immediately that things were going to change from now on...and that I needed to be ready for when they did. I've hidden the secret of my maleness very well over the years...but, I've hidden something else even better...even from you, Houki.
Because, you see...I am Nuriko...a Suzaku shichiseishi.
All my life, I heard the stories...of how the Miko would come one day, and together with her seishi she would save Konan from destruction and unite the world in peace. I was very young the first time I realized I was one of the seishi, too. I'd always known I was stronger than most of the other kids my age--and most of the adults, too...but, I never knew why until one day, some bullies were picking on Rokou...and, I fought them. It was a very strange sensation--kind of like...like a heat, spreading over my skin...but, it wasn't painful or uncomfortable. It was like...like strength...power...and, before I knew it, the bullies were running away before I even hit them, screaming that I was a monster or a demon or something...and it wasn't until I looked down at my chest that I realized what they meant. Rokou didn't see...he was too busy being terrified and hiding behind a bush...but, Korin...she saw. And, somehow, she knew what it meant, even though I didn't.
From then on, I wore high-collared shirts, to hide my seishi symbol. I miss those collared tunics, I think.
Anyway. I ran from the harem, went back to my room and sat for awhile. I knew what I wanted to do--I wanted to go hide somewhere, pretend I was nothing more than a normal girl (not that I claim to be that, anyway) and just wait for things to blow over...but, at the same time, I could feel that fire burning over my skin...even though I haven't felt it for a long, long time...I felt it then...like a ghost of a sensation. It was strange...but, gods, it made up my mind for me before I had a chance to ponder for long. Without me...the Miko would never be able to call upon Suzaku, would never be able to bring peace to Konan...so, I went. I changed into a different dress, one with a softer collar, one that could be turned down--in case the Miko needed proof, of course. After all, I wasn't about to strip off my shirt to show her my symbol...the dress just made things simpler.
One of my maids had to come with me...because, even though a harem girl out wandering through the palace in the daytime is conspicuous, one wandering around ALONE in the daytime is even moreso. So, my maid and I started walking around the palace, looking for the Miko...and, it wasn't too hard to spot her. My first glimpse of her was nothing more than a far-off glimpse, but I saw enough to know that she was NOTHING like what I'd expected. She was young, for one thing--just a little girl, really, maybe fourteen or fifteen at the most. Bubbly, naive, and that voice! Aggh...screechy, high-pitched...like nails scratching down a wall. Nearly drove me crazy...but, before I'd had much of a chance to notice anything more about her, I caught a glimpse of the emperor...and felt my heart freeze in my chest. Gods...that way he looked at her...his eyes. That's the main thing I remember. I was so far away from them, peering past a pillar from the palace walkway...but, I could see enough of those eyes to know that something had changed. He'd found what he'd been waiting for...and I knew right then that Saihitei, our beautiful young emperor of Konan, was in love with Suzaku no Miko.
This girl. This irritating, strangely-dressed little girl...was who Saihitei wanted. Not me...not Houki...not any of the fifty or so girls in the harem...her. Suzaku no Miko. He wanted her.
I didn't have much chance to get angry, though...because the next minute, Miko was running from a bunch of enraged samarai, ducked beneath a gazebo when one of the men through a hammer at her head--not that I blamed him, of course. I was about ready to lash out at her myself... As I watched, the man I'd seen earlier, the one my maid told me was called Tamahome--the Miko's protector...he dashed forward, knocked away the men like they were nothing more than little kids. While I was watching him, though, I heard a loud crack, and the emperor cried out for Miko to watch out...and, then, BAM, the whole gazebo came crashing down on the girl's head.
It was...strange. It was a reflex--but, before I even managed to form a thought or remember that I was busy hating this girl...I began to run towards her. No one saw me, not even my maid--they were all busy watching the Miko and her protector being buried in a mound of wood and stone. Even when I think back on it now, I don't know why I did what I did. It was, like I said, a reflex. I was drawn to protect the Miko even before I knew who she was...and, so I ran to her...and when even the great Saihitei couldn't save her from being crushed beneath the rubble...I did. It wasn't for him, or for what I thought I could get by impressing him with my strength...no. It was for her...the Miko...the most annoying, grating girl I'd ever met...because that was what the fire burning within me told me to do. So, I did it.
But, afterwards...after she and Tamahome were safe...I remembered myself and got right back to hating her. I was cruel to her...very cruel. When she introduced herself with a cute little, "Watashi wa Yuuki Miaka!" I ignored her...and then I walked over to Tamahome--the man who'd protected her, the man I could see her blushing at everytime she glanced in his direction--and I kissed him. Hai, it was childish...hai, it was below me...hai, it was something those other idiots in the harem would do...but, I couldn't help it. Something within me had just...just snapped, and I was reduced to playing stupid, childish games to get some kind of revenge. I don't know. It wasn't my proudest moment...none of the next few days were.
I hung on Tamahome a lot. It kind of surprised me, actually, the way I was clinging to him. Is he stupid? Can't he feel it when the "girl" hugging onto his arm has a flat chest? What, was he just being polite, thought I was underdeveloped? Baka. Anyway...after a few days and a lot of stuff I don't really want to go into in here, Miaka got sick...had a fever, very weak, the usual stuff...and, somehow, Hotohori-sama (that's Saihitei, if I forgot to mention that before) figured out that she needed to return to her world to get better...so, naturally, she'd have to pay a visit to Taiitsu-kun. And, who better to escort her than her three seishi? At first, despite the fact that I'd come to stop hating her, I really, really didn't want to go. First of all, it's a lot more difficult to hide one's...uh...true nature when out traveling around than it is in the privacy of one's own chambers...and second of all, because I just KNEW Hotohori-sama was going to be staring at her the entire time...it's enough to make a girl sick. Or...uh...whatever it is I am. ^_^
Actually, though, it was something Hotohori-sama himself said that made me change my mind. He said, "As a Suzaku shichiseishi, it is my destiny to protect you, Miaka...always."
It's my destiny, too. No matter how childish she is, no matter how irritating and annoying and painfully-shrill...she's my Miko, and I'm her seishi...and so I'll protect her, to the best of my ability, for as long as I live. Even if she drives me nuts...I'll still do it. Because, I am Nuriko...a Suzaku shichiseishi.
I'll write more of what happened later. I'm exhausted. We just got back last night from Taiitsu-kun's, and I don't think I've ever been so tired in my life. Everything aches...and, not just my body, either. Eh, but I'll explain the rest later. Oyasumi.
-Korin
~ ~ ~
Entry: 5
Day: 15
Time: Early Morning
I had the dream again. Gods, why can't it just leave me alone? I didn't have it at all the week I spent with Miaka, Tamahome, and Hotohori-sama...but, wasn't it kind? It was patient, waited until things settled down again to come back, haunt me some more. Damn it, I hate that dream. I hate it... But, I don't want to talk about it now. It's not even dawn yet, and I'm awake, pacing around my room like some kind of caged animal or something. The impossible has happened, too--Miaka's gone...and I miss her. Mattaku, what's wrong with me!? But, anyway...I didn't finish telling you what happened on the trip to Taiitsu-kun's. Eek. It was...uh...kind of disturbing.
It started out well...and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't fun, because it was. Just being with Hotohori-sama and Tamahome, exchanging conversation with the emperor himself and having him look at me like a PERSON instead of just another girl with fluttering eyelashes and a pretty face...it was good. I think he's even more beautiful dressed in normal clothes...if that's possible. I don't know. It makes him seem...realer, somehow...or maybe it just makes him seem attainable. But, of course, he's not. He loves Miaka. I could see it from the beginning...I see it even moreso now. But, poor Hotohori-sama...he's in for a bad time if he keeps it up...because, Miaka is in love with Tamahome...and, Tamahome--even if he doesn't realize it yet--is in love with her, too. Maaaattaku, what a mess!
Anyway. About midway through the trip, I made up my mind that Tamahome and Miaka--if put together in the right situation and with the right encouragement--would have to figure out that they loved each other...so, I started plotting. Why would I do such a thing, you wonder? Good question. The part of my mind I know as Korin tells me that I did it so Hotohori-sama and Miaka would never get together, and so perhaps I might have a chance with him. That seems like a good enough explanation...but, there's another part of me, one deep down, clawing its way to the surface...and that me says something different.
It says I did it because I love this stupid, bubbly girl...because I want her to be happy, and I want her to be with the man she loves. It sounds dumb...even now...but, it also, somehow, sounds a lot like truth. Huh. Maybe it is. I don't know. A lot of things are changing. Miaka found out my secret.
It was after I sent her to a waterfall to bathe, and after I sent Tamahome loping on after her. I'd hoped something would happen, and it did--although not in the way I thought it would. Still, even though Tama-chan didn't make a move on her...he did come very close to telling her he loved her, and that was almost better. Lust is common...exclamations of a purer kind of love are not. I should know.
After Tamahome left, I let Miaka know I was there, came over to gloat...and to see how she was taking the whole thing. She was a little...uh...too excited. Before I could stop her, she was grabbing onto the collar of my dress, shaking me by it in what I can only guess was happiness...and then, BANG!...my shirt slipped down and oh gods above she saw everything...or...uh...my lack of everything. And, there was no going back.
I won't go into the icky details...but, Tamahome and Hotohori-sama know about me now, too...and believe it or not, it wasn't entirely Miaka's fault. At first, I was mortified...but, now it almost feels like a relief. I still have to hide around the palace, of course...but I can be who I am with them...whatever it is that I am. Somehow...that's comforting. Even if it means I have even less of a chance with Hotohori-sama than I did when he thought I was a woman.
Anyway...after a few minor and not-so-minor mishaps, we reached Taiitsu-kun's...and, Miaka went back to her world. Tamahome was barely conscious on the ride home--gods, how can he not see that he loves her when her going away leaves him this bent out of shape?
He's stupid, though. Then again, I guess most men in love are.
Wanna know something strange? We're back in the palace now, waiting until Miaka comes back even though we have no idea how long that might take...and, somehow...everything feels different. I'm still the same person, still wearing the same dresses, doing the same daily rituals...but, it's very, very different. I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm NOT the same person who rode out of Konan a few weeks ago, if maybe...maybe something happened on that trip that changed the basis of who I am...and maybe changed Tamahome and Hotohori-sama, too. Hotohori talks to me, now--and like a human being, no less. I don't know, maybe he just has a low opinion of harem women...but, now...gods, even though he knows I've been deceiving him all this time, he talks to me like we're old friends. It's kind of disconcerting sometimes...but I don't let it bother me. I love being with him...even just as a fellow seishi. So, I talk to him whenever I can...when I'm not keeping Tamahome from breaking his teeth on china or accidentally walking into walls, that is. The baka. He's a mess with Miaka gone.
Maybe we all are, though. It's funny...but, she was only with us for such a short time...and, yet it feels like there's a hole in my life now...like there was something very important there a few minutes ago...but, now it's gone.
I hope it comes back soon.
I'm having tea with Hotohori-sama this afternoon. It's just an excuse of his to talk about Miaka, of course, and wonder aloud when she's coming home, what she might be doing, if she's feeling better or not...but, that's all right. Like I said...I love just being near him. And, even if it's not what he feels for Miaka...I think he likes being with me, too. Maybe...right now...that's enough.
Ah, and he calls me "Nuriko." They all do. And, even though I've never, ever used that name before...even though it should sound foreign and strange and WRONG...it doesn't. It's perfect.
Watashi wa Nuriko.
I'll write more later. Ja.
-Nuriko
~ ~ ~
*AUTHOR'S NOTE: More to come. I plan on going the whole way through the series with this...or, at least up to episode thirty-two. ^_^. *ahem* But, anyway. Be kind, rewind...agh, wait, that's not right... Ah, yes! Be kind...leave a review. It will make me oh-so-happy and my Nuriko muse will dance about the room and sing...ahhhhh, he sings so well... *glazed look* -Ryuen