"Rain" - continued from Part I
~ ~ ~
[And I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh, just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life.]
Hotohori's breath seemed to pause in his lungs. Nuriko watched calmly, coolly, finding himself strangely displaced from the anguish he should be feeling, the fear, the horror...all he felt was a strange, numbing disbelief...because, great Suzaku, he'd actually said it. He'd actually opened his mouth and said, "I love you," to this man he'd longed for for so long.
Of course, he knew what was coming. The young emperor would sputter for words for a few awkward minutes, stalk to the window, gulp in a few deep breaths, perhaps press a hand against his mouth to keep from vomiting... And, then he'd see that LOOK. He'd seen it before, of course. In the faces of the children he'd played with long ago, in a different life, when they'd seen him in the soft, flowery fabrics of his sister's dresses...yes. He remembered that look well. Disgust. Hatred. Anger, sometimes.
How dare you be such a freak. How dare you even live.
But...but, that was all right. If he had to be hated...if he had to be despised...even if it was by Hotohori-sama...better to let it be now, before the hope had a chance to kindle in his heart. Better it be now, before he ws forced to suffer through another moment of the young emperor fawning over Miaka.
Better it be now, when the palace was still empty enough for a person's sobs to go unnoticed in the night.
He waited with a strange, detached kind of patience, anticipating the cold, dark glare, the firm set of those thin lips...the disgust, smearing across the smooth, statuesque beauty of that flawless face... Nuriko braced himself for the worst, shoulders tensing, jaw clenching, gaze locked on those soft amber eyes in horrible, painstaking anticipation.
Finally, Hotohori stood.
A soft breath fled the violet-haired seishi's lips at the movement, but, whether it was relief or horror, he didn't know. Something had happened, at least--something had broken that long, horrible drawn-out moment of waiting...that moment strangely devoid of reaction...had time stood still, for awhile, as he stared into those glittering amber eyes and watched his hopes flicker away into nothingness?
Perhaps it had.
But now...now, time had flung itself into motion again, was ripping along as quickly and painfully as ever...but, at least something was happening. At least Hotohori hadn't thrown up yet. But, he WAS just...just STANDING there...staring... Gods, why didn't he SAY something?
At last, unable to bear the silence any longer, Nuriko let his head droop, let a soft breath of air seep from his lips in a hiss. "You...you don't have to say anything, Hotohori-sama," he said in a low voice. I'm...I'm sorry...I shouldn't have said anything."
After another long moment of silence, Nuriko risked a glance up at the taller man, gazed up through a careful shield of thick, dark eyelashes...and felt a rare shimmer of hope flicker through his being, shiver down his spine...this wasn't at all what he'd been expecting... There was no hatred in that soft gaze, no anger, no irritation...not even any disgust. Hotohori was merely standing there, gazing down at him...thoughtfully. One slender finger rested gently on his smooth, slender chin, tapped lightly against the gentle curve of his jaw.
Nuriko watched him for a long moment, eyes wide and round with disbelief, lips slightly parted as if trying to find the will to form words. At last, he managed to work, "H...Hotohori-sama?" from his frozen vocal chords.
Slowly, Hotohori lowered the finger from his chin, let his arms lay gently at his sides. "You...love me," he said quietly.
Unsure and feeling that same fear again growing within him, Nuriko nodded, just slightly...not too enthusiastically, of course...didn't want to give Hotohori anything else to be angry about...gods...what was he even doing here? He should've insisted on being taken back to his room right away, should've never even opened his mouth or spoken or even GLANCED at the young emperor... But...how often did he get the chance to be here, in the outer room of Hotohori's personal chambers, being tended to by the same gentle hands he dreamed of so often?
Gods. This was wrong. Something had gone wrong in the planning of things...//Suzaku,\\ he called silently, //you goofed. I'm not supposed to be here. It's...it's too cruel.\\
And then, suddenly, something touched his face. He glanced up, startled, and was shocked to find Hotohori's fingers brushing lightly against his cheek, that slender, imperial thumb stretching down to lift his chin, just slightly...just enough so the soft, reddish light of the fire swept over his features, smoothed the lines of tension from his face.
And at last...Hotohori spoke. His voice was quiet, muted...even the occasional murmurs of logs being consumed by the fire threatened to drown out his words...and, so Nuriko found himself leaning forward, leaning closer, straining to hear the words that would, he knew, have the power to change his life...he sat, he listened...and still those fingers rested gently on his cheek. Still, that soft, amber-hued gaze stayed fixed on the violet-tinged depths of his own eyes.
"There was always...something about you, Nuriko," he began quietly. "Something...different from all the others. Something that made me wonder about you...wonder about everything."
Afraid to break the soft, almost-magical flow of the moment, Nuriko nonetheless found himself cutting through the young emperor's words, speaking against the thin sliver of hope he knew he couldn't afford to acknowledge... "Of course, I was different," he said, smiling slightly...but the smile never touched his eyes. "I was a man."
"No," murmured Hotohori. "Not...not just that. It was something else. A strength. A...a fire...in your eyes. Suzaku's fire, perhaps. You...you never knew this, but..." The young emperor closed his eyes briefly, let his head sink low to his chest. "My advisors were pressing me to marry...several months ago, before Miaka came...and, so...to...to help me choose a possible bride, I dressed as a woman, sneaked into the harem." Noticing the sudden look of horror on the smaller seishi's face, he contined quickly, "I wanted to see the women for who they were, Nuriko...not for who they pretended to be. When a woman goes before the emperor, she is soft-spoken, demure, ready to serve...but, I wanted to see these women as themselves, not as...as will-less flowers curtseying and shuffling their feet and keeping their eyes lowered to the ground. I wanted to...to KNOW the woman who was going to be my wife. So, I went. I kept far to the back, kept my face covered, just watched..." His voice dropped. "And, do you know what I saw, Nuriko?"
The breath seemed caught in his lungs. He shook his head, wordlessly, scarcely able to find the will to draw the air in through his lips.
Hotohori smiled, then, very softly, very gently...and lowered himself down onto his knees...and, still those fingers rested lightly on his cheek...still, that amber gaze bound him tightly in place... He wondered, briefly, if his heart was still beating. If it wasn't...he didn't think he would mind at all.
"I saw a group of the most unlikable, hideous beauties I'd ever seen in my life," the young emperor concluded, that slight smile still dancing over his lips. "I saw them calling each other horrible names, saw them taunting each other over their choice of clothing, their choice of makeup, their choice of hairstyle. I saw goading and fighting and speaking to each other with such immense hatred...it was unbelievable. It made me wonder if I ever wanted to take a wife at all." He paused...smiled. "And, then...I saw two women. They looked so much alike that it made me wonder if my vision hadn't somehow gone double. There were subtle differences between them, of course...but, from a distance...it was like looking at a mirror image. At first, I was sure they were twins, but soon realized they weren't...it intrigued me, of course...but most of all, I think, I was intrigued, because they didn't seem to be taking part in the name-calling and the jealousy and the hatred as the others were. They were sitting quietly in the corner, just talking...smiling...laughing. And, I thought, 'Why can't they all be like these two? Why can't they all just put aside the fact that they're competing for my hand and be friends?'
"I swore then, Nuriko, that if I was forced to take a bride...if I HAD to..." His words were barely above a whisper. "That, I would take one of those two women...one of those two, and no one else...for my empress. I don't think I need to tell you that you were one of those two, Nuriko. In fact...if I'd had to choose at the time...I'd have chosen you. There was always...something about you...then, especially. And, it wasn't so much the way you were laughing and smiling...but the way you made HER laugh and smile. It was almost as if...as if every word you spoke was for her, for HER happiness...as if you truly didn't care at all for yourself, as if every moment of your life was lived...for someone else."
The tears sprang to his eyes almost before he realized they were there, trickled over his cheeks in tiny, glistening rivulets. Hotohori's eyes widened at the sight of them and, reflexively, he reached up a finger, brushed away the cool, salty moisture. "Nuriko?" he asked quietly, tentatively.
Nuriko drew in a shuddering breath, swept away the last of the tears with the back of his hand. "It's...it's nothing, Hotohori-sama," he managed huskily, clearing his throat against the tears. Finally, in control of himself again, he risked a glance up at the young emperor, found himself again trapped in the soft haze of that gentle amber stare. "The...the other woman...Houki...will you take her as your empress, Hotohori-sama...when the time comes?"
The dark-haired seishi's face darkened, just slightly. "I'd hoped to make Miaka my empress," he murmured. "But..."
Nuriko nodded. "She and...and Tamahome."
"Hai. It seems even an emperor is not without his limitations. So...I don't know. Women arrive at and leave the harem constantly...perhaps this...Houki isn't even there anymore."
A small, secret smile lifted at his lips. "She is," he murmured. "She's still there. And, Hotohori-sama...if you choose her..." He trailed off, closed his eyes briefly...and smiled. "I can honestly say that there's no one else in that harem I approve of you marrying more than her...or any other woman more worthy."
"Then...you approve of me taking an Empress...even though you..."
Flushing slightly, he nodded. "Hai. Besides...you have to take an empress. If you don't..." He let the sentence hang unfinished, shook his head slightly. "You need an heir, Hotohori-sama."
Hotohori nodded slightly, taking a moment to brush a dangling strand of silken chestnut hair back from his face...then slid forward, placed on soft, gentle hand on the side of Nuriko's face...brushed lightly at the strands of violet tickling against the skin. "Still," he whispered. "There are...other alternatives to conceiving an heir...and even emperors have lovers."
Nuriko's eyes went wide. "H-Hotohori-sama...what're you saying? You...I...there's...no!" Suddenly angry without quite knowing why, Nuriko gripped tightly onto the hand at his cheek, ripped it away so violently that the young emperor gasped in pain or surprise or both. And then, as Hotohori stared at him in stunned disbelief, he clutched onto the edges of the blanket, ripped it down to his lap, and let the young emperor gaze for a long moment at the flat, smooth skin of his chest. "Look at me!" he cried. "I'm a man! Don't you care? Don't you understand? I'm a man! It's cruel of you to let yourself forget that...to...to give me hope when you know you can never be with me! It's CRUEL!" His voice dropped...sank...died. "Cruel," he whispered brokenly.
And, Hotohori could only stare, shaking his head slightly, and murmur a soft, "I'm sorry."
No...no. The tears were coming again...gods, why did he have to do this? He'd held them so well...for so long! Always, he was strong, in-control, able to fight them, push them back...but now...now, with Hotohori so near and the touch of his fingers still warm on his cheek...it was impossible to think. He needed fresh air...needed to get out of here, find a moment alone, run away...yes...he wished he could run, like he had earlier...just drop everything and run...let the cool rain wash away his doubts, his fears, his pain... He...he had to go.
"I need to get out of here," he mumbled, again hugging the blankets to his body and climbing to his feet. Hotohori let out a few words of protest, but Nuriko barely heard them...barely heard a word. He still felt dizzy, still had that throbbing pain lancing through his skull...but, he could bear it. To get out of here, to get away from Hotohori-sama and be alone and in-control again...he could do anything. If it meant being freed of this horrible curse of fear and self-doubt and anguish...he could definitely, definitely do anything.
So, he stood, crossed to the door...and simply walked out. Hotohori could only watch, frowning and more confused than ever, as the smaller man staggered out into the cool, rainy afternoon...and vanished down the palace walkway. He considered rising to his feet, following...but, somehow, he sensed that Nuriko wanted to be alone, that his presence could only do harm right now...so, he stayed. He sat quietly on the floor, leaning gently against the warm spot on the cushions where Nuriko had been lying...and stared into the fire.
Eternities passed before he moved again.
---
~ ~ ~
[And I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh, just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life.]
Hotohori's breath seemed to pause in his lungs. Nuriko watched calmly, coolly, finding himself strangely displaced from the anguish he should be feeling, the fear, the horror...all he felt was a strange, numbing disbelief...because, great Suzaku, he'd actually said it. He'd actually opened his mouth and said, "I love you," to this man he'd longed for for so long.
Of course, he knew what was coming. The young emperor would sputter for words for a few awkward minutes, stalk to the window, gulp in a few deep breaths, perhaps press a hand against his mouth to keep from vomiting... And, then he'd see that LOOK. He'd seen it before, of course. In the faces of the children he'd played with long ago, in a different life, when they'd seen him in the soft, flowery fabrics of his sister's dresses...yes. He remembered that look well. Disgust. Hatred. Anger, sometimes.
How dare you be such a freak. How dare you even live.
But...but, that was all right. If he had to be hated...if he had to be despised...even if it was by Hotohori-sama...better to let it be now, before the hope had a chance to kindle in his heart. Better it be now, before he ws forced to suffer through another moment of the young emperor fawning over Miaka.
Better it be now, when the palace was still empty enough for a person's sobs to go unnoticed in the night.
He waited with a strange, detached kind of patience, anticipating the cold, dark glare, the firm set of those thin lips...the disgust, smearing across the smooth, statuesque beauty of that flawless face... Nuriko braced himself for the worst, shoulders tensing, jaw clenching, gaze locked on those soft amber eyes in horrible, painstaking anticipation.
Finally, Hotohori stood.
A soft breath fled the violet-haired seishi's lips at the movement, but, whether it was relief or horror, he didn't know. Something had happened, at least--something had broken that long, horrible drawn-out moment of waiting...that moment strangely devoid of reaction...had time stood still, for awhile, as he stared into those glittering amber eyes and watched his hopes flicker away into nothingness?
Perhaps it had.
But now...now, time had flung itself into motion again, was ripping along as quickly and painfully as ever...but, at least something was happening. At least Hotohori hadn't thrown up yet. But, he WAS just...just STANDING there...staring... Gods, why didn't he SAY something?
At last, unable to bear the silence any longer, Nuriko let his head droop, let a soft breath of air seep from his lips in a hiss. "You...you don't have to say anything, Hotohori-sama," he said in a low voice. I'm...I'm sorry...I shouldn't have said anything."
After another long moment of silence, Nuriko risked a glance up at the taller man, gazed up through a careful shield of thick, dark eyelashes...and felt a rare shimmer of hope flicker through his being, shiver down his spine...this wasn't at all what he'd been expecting... There was no hatred in that soft gaze, no anger, no irritation...not even any disgust. Hotohori was merely standing there, gazing down at him...thoughtfully. One slender finger rested gently on his smooth, slender chin, tapped lightly against the gentle curve of his jaw.
Nuriko watched him for a long moment, eyes wide and round with disbelief, lips slightly parted as if trying to find the will to form words. At last, he managed to work, "H...Hotohori-sama?" from his frozen vocal chords.
Slowly, Hotohori lowered the finger from his chin, let his arms lay gently at his sides. "You...love me," he said quietly.
Unsure and feeling that same fear again growing within him, Nuriko nodded, just slightly...not too enthusiastically, of course...didn't want to give Hotohori anything else to be angry about...gods...what was he even doing here? He should've insisted on being taken back to his room right away, should've never even opened his mouth or spoken or even GLANCED at the young emperor... But...how often did he get the chance to be here, in the outer room of Hotohori's personal chambers, being tended to by the same gentle hands he dreamed of so often?
Gods. This was wrong. Something had gone wrong in the planning of things...//Suzaku,\\ he called silently, //you goofed. I'm not supposed to be here. It's...it's too cruel.\\
And then, suddenly, something touched his face. He glanced up, startled, and was shocked to find Hotohori's fingers brushing lightly against his cheek, that slender, imperial thumb stretching down to lift his chin, just slightly...just enough so the soft, reddish light of the fire swept over his features, smoothed the lines of tension from his face.
And at last...Hotohori spoke. His voice was quiet, muted...even the occasional murmurs of logs being consumed by the fire threatened to drown out his words...and, so Nuriko found himself leaning forward, leaning closer, straining to hear the words that would, he knew, have the power to change his life...he sat, he listened...and still those fingers rested gently on his cheek. Still, that soft, amber-hued gaze stayed fixed on the violet-tinged depths of his own eyes.
"There was always...something about you, Nuriko," he began quietly. "Something...different from all the others. Something that made me wonder about you...wonder about everything."
Afraid to break the soft, almost-magical flow of the moment, Nuriko nonetheless found himself cutting through the young emperor's words, speaking against the thin sliver of hope he knew he couldn't afford to acknowledge... "Of course, I was different," he said, smiling slightly...but the smile never touched his eyes. "I was a man."
"No," murmured Hotohori. "Not...not just that. It was something else. A strength. A...a fire...in your eyes. Suzaku's fire, perhaps. You...you never knew this, but..." The young emperor closed his eyes briefly, let his head sink low to his chest. "My advisors were pressing me to marry...several months ago, before Miaka came...and, so...to...to help me choose a possible bride, I dressed as a woman, sneaked into the harem." Noticing the sudden look of horror on the smaller seishi's face, he contined quickly, "I wanted to see the women for who they were, Nuriko...not for who they pretended to be. When a woman goes before the emperor, she is soft-spoken, demure, ready to serve...but, I wanted to see these women as themselves, not as...as will-less flowers curtseying and shuffling their feet and keeping their eyes lowered to the ground. I wanted to...to KNOW the woman who was going to be my wife. So, I went. I kept far to the back, kept my face covered, just watched..." His voice dropped. "And, do you know what I saw, Nuriko?"
The breath seemed caught in his lungs. He shook his head, wordlessly, scarcely able to find the will to draw the air in through his lips.
Hotohori smiled, then, very softly, very gently...and lowered himself down onto his knees...and, still those fingers rested lightly on his cheek...still, that amber gaze bound him tightly in place... He wondered, briefly, if his heart was still beating. If it wasn't...he didn't think he would mind at all.
"I saw a group of the most unlikable, hideous beauties I'd ever seen in my life," the young emperor concluded, that slight smile still dancing over his lips. "I saw them calling each other horrible names, saw them taunting each other over their choice of clothing, their choice of makeup, their choice of hairstyle. I saw goading and fighting and speaking to each other with such immense hatred...it was unbelievable. It made me wonder if I ever wanted to take a wife at all." He paused...smiled. "And, then...I saw two women. They looked so much alike that it made me wonder if my vision hadn't somehow gone double. There were subtle differences between them, of course...but, from a distance...it was like looking at a mirror image. At first, I was sure they were twins, but soon realized they weren't...it intrigued me, of course...but most of all, I think, I was intrigued, because they didn't seem to be taking part in the name-calling and the jealousy and the hatred as the others were. They were sitting quietly in the corner, just talking...smiling...laughing. And, I thought, 'Why can't they all be like these two? Why can't they all just put aside the fact that they're competing for my hand and be friends?'
"I swore then, Nuriko, that if I was forced to take a bride...if I HAD to..." His words were barely above a whisper. "That, I would take one of those two women...one of those two, and no one else...for my empress. I don't think I need to tell you that you were one of those two, Nuriko. In fact...if I'd had to choose at the time...I'd have chosen you. There was always...something about you...then, especially. And, it wasn't so much the way you were laughing and smiling...but the way you made HER laugh and smile. It was almost as if...as if every word you spoke was for her, for HER happiness...as if you truly didn't care at all for yourself, as if every moment of your life was lived...for someone else."
The tears sprang to his eyes almost before he realized they were there, trickled over his cheeks in tiny, glistening rivulets. Hotohori's eyes widened at the sight of them and, reflexively, he reached up a finger, brushed away the cool, salty moisture. "Nuriko?" he asked quietly, tentatively.
Nuriko drew in a shuddering breath, swept away the last of the tears with the back of his hand. "It's...it's nothing, Hotohori-sama," he managed huskily, clearing his throat against the tears. Finally, in control of himself again, he risked a glance up at the young emperor, found himself again trapped in the soft haze of that gentle amber stare. "The...the other woman...Houki...will you take her as your empress, Hotohori-sama...when the time comes?"
The dark-haired seishi's face darkened, just slightly. "I'd hoped to make Miaka my empress," he murmured. "But..."
Nuriko nodded. "She and...and Tamahome."
"Hai. It seems even an emperor is not without his limitations. So...I don't know. Women arrive at and leave the harem constantly...perhaps this...Houki isn't even there anymore."
A small, secret smile lifted at his lips. "She is," he murmured. "She's still there. And, Hotohori-sama...if you choose her..." He trailed off, closed his eyes briefly...and smiled. "I can honestly say that there's no one else in that harem I approve of you marrying more than her...or any other woman more worthy."
"Then...you approve of me taking an Empress...even though you..."
Flushing slightly, he nodded. "Hai. Besides...you have to take an empress. If you don't..." He let the sentence hang unfinished, shook his head slightly. "You need an heir, Hotohori-sama."
Hotohori nodded slightly, taking a moment to brush a dangling strand of silken chestnut hair back from his face...then slid forward, placed on soft, gentle hand on the side of Nuriko's face...brushed lightly at the strands of violet tickling against the skin. "Still," he whispered. "There are...other alternatives to conceiving an heir...and even emperors have lovers."
Nuriko's eyes went wide. "H-Hotohori-sama...what're you saying? You...I...there's...no!" Suddenly angry without quite knowing why, Nuriko gripped tightly onto the hand at his cheek, ripped it away so violently that the young emperor gasped in pain or surprise or both. And then, as Hotohori stared at him in stunned disbelief, he clutched onto the edges of the blanket, ripped it down to his lap, and let the young emperor gaze for a long moment at the flat, smooth skin of his chest. "Look at me!" he cried. "I'm a man! Don't you care? Don't you understand? I'm a man! It's cruel of you to let yourself forget that...to...to give me hope when you know you can never be with me! It's CRUEL!" His voice dropped...sank...died. "Cruel," he whispered brokenly.
And, Hotohori could only stare, shaking his head slightly, and murmur a soft, "I'm sorry."
No...no. The tears were coming again...gods, why did he have to do this? He'd held them so well...for so long! Always, he was strong, in-control, able to fight them, push them back...but now...now, with Hotohori so near and the touch of his fingers still warm on his cheek...it was impossible to think. He needed fresh air...needed to get out of here, find a moment alone, run away...yes...he wished he could run, like he had earlier...just drop everything and run...let the cool rain wash away his doubts, his fears, his pain... He...he had to go.
"I need to get out of here," he mumbled, again hugging the blankets to his body and climbing to his feet. Hotohori let out a few words of protest, but Nuriko barely heard them...barely heard a word. He still felt dizzy, still had that throbbing pain lancing through his skull...but, he could bear it. To get out of here, to get away from Hotohori-sama and be alone and in-control again...he could do anything. If it meant being freed of this horrible curse of fear and self-doubt and anguish...he could definitely, definitely do anything.
So, he stood, crossed to the door...and simply walked out. Hotohori could only watch, frowning and more confused than ever, as the smaller man staggered out into the cool, rainy afternoon...and vanished down the palace walkway. He considered rising to his feet, following...but, somehow, he sensed that Nuriko wanted to be alone, that his presence could only do harm right now...so, he stayed. He sat quietly on the floor, leaning gently against the warm spot on the cushions where Nuriko had been lying...and stared into the fire.
Eternities passed before he moved again.
---