Differences
[Here is the final chapter of this story. As promised before, Ken's back (and worse this time around). This was tough to write again, because I wanted to combine the narrative feel of the first chapter with the emotional charge of the second. I think it worked. Now I can get back to a story more of you seem to enjoy, and proves easier to write. I will be finishing "Little Mr. Odaiba", see you then -- B.M.]
Chapter 3: Mourning Hiroki
Suddenly and terribly Officer Hiroki Hida, Cody's strong and loving father, was dead. Just how much of his son was lost with him was a question fate was leaving in the balance for now.
The small six year-old boy with moist green eyes stood in silence under a graveside canopy that blocked the late morning sun. Cody's Mom and Grandpa stood by him, and more grown-ups than he knew he could count yet passed by the three of them slowly. These people stopped and said quiet things to his Mom and Grandpa before turning to him. Almost invariably they spoke about Cody rather than to him, if they spoke at all. Sometimes they just cried. The boy's mind only registered snatches of comments like "... poor little thing," and "... brave little guy." The phrase Cody picked up most, one the adults didn't intend for him to hear but they had underestimated this child's ability to concentrate, was " ... too young to realize." These words seemed to make the grown-ups feel better, but they were wrong. The boy understood what losing his father meant to him today, and grasping at the impact of the loss upon his future so frightened Cody Hida that he had not been physically able to make himself speak a single word for the last three days. Thankfully, bowing worked for "saying" both hello and goodbye, and the boy nodded for yes and shook his head for no. He deferred other types of questions with glances to his Mom or Grandpa, who could offer a discrete explanation why, if necessary.
When the people around his family looked at Cody today they could see a youngster dutifully standing at attention, as he had seen his Dad do so many times, and doing so at his Mom's side. His hand held hers today, and not the other way around. He knew he wasn't responsible for his Dad's death, but now he would have to be responsible because his Dad was gone. His mother's security, his Grandpa's care, and his father's memory -- all passed to the six year-old by that circumstance, or so Cody firmly believed. Of course, the world of grown-ups didn't see it that way, no little boy could take all that on, and that many grown-ups couldn't be wrong at the same time. So Cody decided he had to stop being a little boy. Not many six year-olds could handle involuntary silence, and even fewer could attempt to find a use in being silent, but Cody did both. It was almost like being in two different places at the same time. On the outside Cody was the serious, silent protector attempting to behave as he was sure his Dad would in the same situation. Inside the silence he kept the little boy he could no longer be. That child was still scared, angry, sad, growing lonely, and wanting no part of the responsibilities Cody placed upon his narrow shoulders today. Yet in the silence the little boy wasn't bothering anybody but Cody himself.
The line of mourners finally yielded faces that Cody knew, the Inoues. His mother and Mrs. Inoue embraced as Grandpa Hida bowed and shook Mr. Inoue's hand. Cody bowed to both these adults and the Inoue children who all kept an unusually respectful distance from him. All except one of them. When Yolei had paid her respects to Mrs. Hida and the senior Mr. Hida she turned to greet Cody with a hug. He accepted it numbly. Cody didn't mean to be cold to his friend, but she wanted the little boy, and there were still serious things to do today. Yolei felt right through him though. Cody has always been surprisingly reserved, but that came from his endearing desire to do right things. The seriousness that possessed her young friend today was something different. He was shutting part of himself down now. She knew this part of him was there inside, and was very sad. Her hug found that sad part like sonar found things in deep water, and the girl hurt for Cody. She remembered the necessity of allowing Cody his sadness, but she also wanted to stay close to him in order to make good on her resolution to bring the boy happiness when the sadness weakened. She saw her family was moving on to allow the procession to continue. Yolei quickly whispered something to her mother, and Mrs. Inoue whispered to Mrs. Hida. Cody's Mom nodded in response, and Mrs. Inoue relayed the nod to Yolei. Her mother moved on but she remained. Yolei stepped beside Cody and just stood there quietly with her arms at her side. She only looked down to Cody out of the corner of her eye until she was sure that he was looking up at her. Then she turned her head and found his green eyes on her, silently asking what she was doing. Yolei leaned down and whispered, "Your Mom told my Mom it was OK if I stood here for awhile. I hope that's OK with you too Cody." His eyebrows furrowed slightly, but he nodded.
Cody wasn't sure what she was up to, but his Mom had approved so it would be impolite not to agree too. Besides, he had been a little mean ... just a little ... by not enjoying Yolei's hug, and maybe letting her stand next to him was a way to make up for that. Being a grown-up was very hard, it really didn't feel very good, so maybe it did make you a little meaner than you wanted to be. Still, he knew nice grown-ups, so he'd get better at it. This was just one of his first days as a grown-up, and there were so many more days to have to be this way. Again, he mentally scolded that part of himself that didn't want to be grown-up at all, because he had to be, didn't he? -- Cody dropped that line of thought because he noticed the line of mourners was temporarily dissipating to places around and outside the canopy. His Mom leaned down and explained to him. "Some important people are going to make some special presentations to honor your Dad." Cody nodded matter-of-factly.
A small podium with a microphone was quickly set up, and an important looking man stepped up to it. He introduced himself as the mayor of Odaiba, then continued to speak. "Today is a solemn reminder that the peace and security of our city streets depends upon the dedication of the individuals who pledge themselves to it as police officers, even at the cost of their own lives. It is even more difficult when sacrifice in the line of duty takes a husband and father, leaving a wife and child behind. To this point Officer Hiroki Hida's wife and young son have had this city's sympathy. Today, they shall have more than that. The city of Odaiba honors its fallen protector, and intends to see that his family is provided for." He talked about a proclamation saying things about money that Cody didn't really understand, but when the mayor gave a copy of this proclamation to his Mom she looked very grateful for it. The mayor left the podium and another man took his place. This man wore a fancy uniform and called himself the Chief of the Odaiba Police Department. He continued the presentations.
"The Odaiba Police Department will never forget the officer that Hiroki Hida. was. Moreover, we honor the man that he was -- a friend to his fellow officers, a loving husband, and a proud and devoted father to his son. To honor his service as an officer, the Odaiba Police Department now posthumously promotes Hiroki Hida to the rank of detective. In addition, knowing that his service as a police officer was, in part, to secure the future of his family, the Odaiba Police Association now announces the establishment of a fund that will be held in trust for Hiroki's son Cody until his graduation from high school. At that time the accrued balance of the fund will be placed at the young man's disposal for the purpose of his higher education. As tokens of these presentations I now bestow a special detective's badge and certificate to Cody Hida." The big man left the podium and came over to Cody, who's mother gently told him to step forward because this man was giving these things to him. He handed Cody a large certificate, which he turned over carefully to his Mom. She could read it to him later. Then the Chief handed the boy a shiny gold badge. Cody held this reverently with two hands, he could hardly take his eyes off of it. His Dad had told him that a policeman's badge was a way of telling other people that the person who had it was there to protect and help them, it was very special. The boy didn't look up until the Chief patted him on the shoulder, he bowed and watched as the man moved back to the podium. Cody could read well enough to make out his Dad's name on the badge in his hands. Without thinking, he hugged the badge to his heart and felt his eyes sting. For just a moment he forgot to care about how this looked, but only for a moment. Cody reminded himself for the umpteenth time that he couldn't be the hurting little boy right now. Blinking his eyes clear he handed the badge extra carefully to his Grandpa.
Cody had never worked so hard just to maintain control, but he managed again, how much more could he take? The mayor and the Chief had praised his father as a protector and provider. All the people here today proved how loved and respected his Dad must have been. Cody was doing his best today to instantly fill his father's place as a grown-up, but how could he measure up so quickly? The little boy voice inside begged him to quit fooling himself
*You're only six years old Cody, you can't do this. You're just not ready.*
Cody stubbornly pushed back at himself *It doesn't matter if I'm ready. I have to because I'm here and Dad's not. I have to!*
The small voice inside would not yield yet *Think about the badge Cody. You're dad may be gone now, but he still has a badge. It means he still has friends that can remember how he protected and helped. They're still here to protect and help his family, to protect and help you Cody. See, you don't have to be like this yet. It's almost like your Dad is still looking after all of you, through his friends.
Cody looked hesitantly over to the casket that held his Dad's body. *Almost ... isn't good enough right now!* He mutely winced because that thought hurt both parts of him. He stifled continuing thoughts because he saw the Chief was going to speak again. The man informed the gathered mourners "As a final tribute to a fallen comrade, the police department's Honor Guard will now fire a twenty-one gun salute."
Guns? Cody hated guns, now more than ever. They were ugly and noisy to begin with, but now Cody somehow knew that a gun had been the instrument of his Dad's death, though no one had told him that. He watched tensely as seven uniformed figures began lining up outside the canopy, they were carrying rifles. The crowd of mourners parted, offering those beneath the canopy a better view. It wasn't hot today, but the boy felt sweat building on the back of his neck. His free hand, nearest Yolei, clenched in a fist at his side. He hated guns! Cody stared at the rifles so intensely that he didn't notice Yolei start to gently swing her arms back and forth at her sides. He remained distracted while, on one of the downswings, she grabbed hold of his free hand and did not let go. Cody looked at her, intending to pull away, he shouldn't need to have his hand held now. Suddenly she was the one not paying attention, because he could see her eyes were squeezed shut tightly. Cody saw why as he turned back toward the rifles, he slammed his eyes shut too just as -- BANG! the first volley of the seven rifles fired. The noise of it seemed to rip through Cody, and the disruption allowed the little boy inside to express basic fear by squeezing Yolei's hand hard. The girl grimaced a bit, she'd expected the squeeze, but not quite its strength. She bore it for Cody, and she knew there were only two more volleys to go. Yolei heard the click-click of reloading and braced for his next squeeze. BANG! Cody listened to the next terrible click-click, waited for the next terrible instance of silence, and felt the third terrible report of a BANG! The boy fully expected the hated process to continue but it suddenly stopped. He opened his eyes and blinked. He also became aware of gripping Yolei's hand with all his might, and suddenly let go. Cody saw his friend shake her freed hand vigorously and examine it cautiously. He looked at her apologetically, and Yolei told him it was OK because nothing was broken, though just barely she thought. She thought she might actually be getting through to him now, hoping he would let the sadness and hurt out like letting air out of balloon to save it from popping. No such luck. The line of mourners reformed, and Cody steeled himself again.
A short time later a murmur of surprise rose through the crowd as a group of three people unexpectedly pushed their way to the front. Only one of them was really pushing, an eight year-old boy who was tall for his age and had a unpleasantly smug look on his face. The other two with him were his parents. They were making apologies to the people their son left in his wake. Part of the collective surprise was this boy's pushiness, but most of it came from his identity. It was the child prodigy Ken Ichijouji! In the past two years Ken Ichijouji had begun to excel in almost every capacity that children his age, or even much older, could. Academics and athletics were only the start. Some were predicting he could be as gifted as his late brother Sam, and some thought Ken would prove even greater. Many there wondered what the young celebrity was doing at a police officer's funeral. In truth, Ken detested being present, but his parents had insisted on coming here, and bringing him. They would not back down, a rare occasion recently, so they were all here. When Ken had created enough interference to get them to the front of the mourning line he stopped, folded his arms and spoke condescendingly to his parents. "Well we're here. I hope it makes you happy. Let's get this over with, I'm sure I have more important places to be."
Mrs. Ichijouji sighed as she stepped forward. She was pleased that her younger son was following in Sam's footsteps, and being so successful at it too. Nevertheless, he was becoming increasingly temperamental and really stopped listening to adults if he felt he was smarter then they were. That was happening more often now too. Ken could still be superficially pleasant when he was in a good mood, and she and her husband usually found themselves placating Ken to keep him in a good mood. However, insisting that he come with them today had put her son in an unusually nasty mood, and he wasn't hiding it at all. Mrs. Ichijouji tried to soothe him a bit under such public scrutiny. "Ken dear, please try to be a little more understanding. We'll only be here a short time." All he gave her in return was cold smugness. Exasperated, she did what she came to do in spite of her son
She introduced herself to the widow and the father standing at the graveside, and Mr. Ichijouji followed her lead. Then the kindly Mrs. Ichijouji turned her attention to the boy and girl she recognized, even if they had trouble remembering her. She spoke to the girl. "You're Yolei Inoue aren't you?"
"Yes ma'am." the girl nodded, "I know you, but I'm sorry I can't remember your name."
"That's alright dear, it's been a long time. I'm Mrs. Ichijouji. Officer Hida brought the two of you to console us when we had our loss. That was two years ago. You were both so sweet. I'm sure you remember Ken a little better, and I hope not badly."
Yolei looked over at Ken Ichijouji standing behind his parents, fuming and staring daggers. He'd grown. Ken was nearly as tall as she was now even though he was two years younger than her. She remembered him having the nice face, and two years had made it even nicer. However the look on the nice face indicated that it might be the only really nice thing about Ken Ichijouji right now. That was too bad, because he had such a nice mom. The girl refocused her attention on the lady's voice.
"I see you're still Cody's friend." said Mrs. Ichijouji.
"Oh yes ma'am." Yolei assured.
Mrs. Ichijouji bent down to come eye to eye with the smaller boy. "Hello, Cody I know you probably don't remember me. But your father helped me and my family through a very sad time two years ago. We are so very sorry about what happened. When we heard we just had to come and see you and your family to repay your father's kindness. How are you doing?" The boy remained silent and looked nervously to his older friend. Yolei explained about Cody's speech loss before Mrs. Ichijouji could think she had said anything wrong.
The woman's eyes filled with sympathetic tears. "Oh ... you poor, dear, little thing!" she said, and embraced him gently. Yolei had hugged him earlier, but Cody had easily guessed she would, so Yolei had only dented the solemn grown-up exterior he projected today. It was a bigger dent than he realized, but still just a dent. The embrace of this strangely familiar woman wasn't expected. Someone Cody could not remember cared so much about the little boy inside him, and not because she had to like his family or even Yolei might. When the sweet woman started to let him go the boy didn't really want her to, and Cody could feel hot tears stream a little further out of his eyes. The dent Yolei had started in his shell of stoic seriousness became a crack. As Mrs. Ichijouji released him Cody wiped at his eyes. He knew the little boy was going to come out sometime now, but that just had to wait until things were done here. It just couldn't happen here at his Dad's grave, Cody still wouldn't let it. Mrs. Ichijouji was standing now, and calling her son over. "Before we leave, I want Ken to pay his respects to you Cody. It's only right." she told the younger boy.
When Ken didn't respond to his mother's call Mrs. Ichijouji went, took him by the arm and led him over to Cody. This produced an indignant "Mother... please." from Ken.
"Ken, dear, I know you remember Officer Hida. Please try to share a little honest feeling with his son Cody today."
"You want honest feeling Mother?" Ken said sarcastically. "Very well, but just remember you asked for it." Ken turned to Cody, making sure to raise himself up to his full height so the smaller boy would have to look up at him. He began in his iciest voice "You obviously don't remember me little boy, but I remember you and your father, I remember lots of things now. Let me tell you what I remember most about your father little boy. I remember it was your father that came to tell my family that my brother Sam was dead. I hated your father for that. I'd still hate him if he was still alive. I guess I'm glad your father's dead so I don't have to waste my time hating him."
"Kenneth stop it. You take that back this instant!" Mrs. Ichijouji was appalled.
Ken responded to his mom without looking at her. "No mother. I'm sharing honest feelings aren't I? I want to make sure he really hears them all." He was pleased to see the younger boy's green eyes wide with shock, together with the paling face and the stunned mouth gasping silently. Ken continued his assault. "You know something else little boy? I used to blame myself for Sam's death, but I don't anymore. I stepped right into Sam's place, and now I'm better than he was. I bet you wish you could replace your father so easily, don't you little boy? But you can't do that. Your father was just a meaningless civil servant and you can't even measure up to that. What's the matter, little boy, a 'bubblefly' got your tongue? Oh, I made a joke." Ken started laughing. Here at the funeral of a good man and father, young Ken Ichijouji had the nerve to laugh in the face of that man's tormented son. He didn't laugh long because the sick, almost evil noise was cut short by the solid "THWACK" created when Yolei Inoue brought the flat of her palm resoundingly across Ken Ichijouji's face.
Yolei knew she should have been too lady-like now to do something like that, and she also knew that the smack would probably cost her two weeks of allowance plus some forced labor in her parents' store. It was worth it, and she wasn't finished with this mean kid -- not by a long shot! "How dare you say those things about Mr. Hida! How dare you say those things to Cody today! You apologize to Cody right now, or so help me I'll -- Yolei looked down to check her young friend, and was frightened by what she saw. "Cody ... what's wrong? Cody are you OK?
The small boy was shaking visibly. His face was etched with rage, shock, and the all the pent up sadness that was finally on the verge of erupting. Yolei's familiar love had dented the best grown-up shell he could manage. Mrs. Ichijouji's unexpected, sympathetic caring had cracked it open. However, it was the cruel verbal pounding from Ken Ichijouji that shattered Cody's protective shell to pieces. An angry, scared, and desperately sad little boy now stood where Cody Hida, dutiful son of Hiroki, had intended to remain, he couldn't let all these people see him fail his duty now, not even his Mom or Grandpa as they reached out for him. Cody rushed past them both and Yolei too, fleeing the canopy to find a place to hide somewhere in the big cemetery. Yolei hesitated only to apologize quickly to Mr. and Mrs. Ichijouji, rather than Ken. Then she took off after Cody, feeling a strange sense of deja vu. Ken remained momentarily shocked that the girl had dared to strike him, then he shouted after her angrily. "Do you have any idea who I am?! I'm calling my family's attorney! We'll sue you for this!"
"We most certainly will not!" his mother responded. "Kenneth Ichijouji, that girl may have slapped you, but you deserved it young man. As soon as I can explain that to her parents and your father somehow manages to apologize to the poor Hidas for the terrible things you said to that dear little boy, we are leaving for home. You will not do anything outside of your room for the rest of the day. I swear sometimes I don't know what's gotten into you Ken, but I've had enough of it today. Now march back to our car and wait for us there!"
"Mother!" Ken protested. He felt his mother take hold of his shoulder with a force she hadn't used in some time.
"I said march Kenneth! she ordered.
Ken Ichijouji complied. He might be smarter and better than his parents, or any other adult for that matter, but for now he was still just eight years old. It might take a few more years, but he would show them all just what had gotten into him, then they'd all be sorry.
"Cody!" Yolei called plaintively as she scanned a line of markers for the boy. "Cody, please come out, even if you can't answer me, just come out. It's going to be OK." Where was he?! Yolei felt a little panicked for her friend. He was so upset right now, he was so small. Cody could be anywhere around right now, and anything could happen to him without him able to call for help. "Cody!" she called again.
He could hear her calling out, but he was silently crying too violently to emerge from where he was hunched behind a stone some yards ahead of her. He hugged his shaking knees to his sobbing chest, arguing with himself again.
*I've failed. I've failed and disgraced my family because I let that mean boy say those ... those things about Dad, and all I could do was run and hide!*
*You didn't fail Cody. It was just too much for you today.* his smaller but wiser voice told him.
*That must mean that boy was right, I can't take Dad's place!*
*Cody, he said that to be very cruel, because somehow he knew it would really hurt you. He certainly didn't mean to be helpful, but he was right about just one thing. You can't replace your Dad now, no one can ever just replace him. That kid can't really replace his brother either. You're only six years old Cody, and you're hurting inside, you will for a long time. You can't be a grown-up yet.*
*But I have too --*
*No you don't! What you have to try to do is take the time you need to grow up and be a man like your Dad was, but you don't have to do it right away -- and you don't have to try all alone either.*
*I don't?*
*No Cody, a lot of people want to help do just that. One of them is close by right now. You can feel her getting closer. Are you going to let her pass you by? There is something you're ready to do then.*
Yes he was ready. Cody spoke for the first time in days to call out to his friend. "Yolei." He could talk again, and now he would shout through his tears. "Yolei I'm over here! Yolei ...please help me!"
The astonished girl raced effortlessly to the sound of his voice. "Cody! Oh Cody you can talk again!" She was so relieved just to find him and now he was talking too! She practically smothered him in her arms before she realized he was still crying pretty hard.
The little boy looked at her so innocently. "I want my Mom Yolei, and my Grandpa. Can you please take me back to them." he choked out.
"Of course I can Cody. Just hold on." She scooped him up and he didn't object as she carried him back to his family.
Yolei approached the Hidas with Cody and handed him over to his Mom triumphantly announcing that he had something to tell them. Mom and Grandpa looked with concerned expectation as Cody looked back up at them. "Mom ... Momma, I'm... I'm sorry." Now the words rushed quietly out of him as his family held him and he cried.. "Dad's gone ... I loved him so much and it hurts really bad! I was trying to be just like I thought Dad would today. I want to take care of you Mom and Grandpa. Some day I know I'll be able to take care of you both just like Dad would, someday I promise you I will. But right now I have to be a little boy, I hope that's OK, because right now I just wish Dad ... was HERE!" Cody couldn't help wailing now.
Mrs. Hida rocked him gently. "Oh Cody ... Cody its going to be OK. I know you mean your promise, and I know you'll keep it in time. But right now, I need my little boy because I have to tell him how proud his Dad would be of him right now ... just the way he is."
Grandpa Hida added softly, "Grandson, your old grandpa isn't quite so old anyway. I was wondering if you would allow me to come and live with you and your mother. Of course, it would mean that I would temporarily have to claim seniority in your household, and I'm willing to pay for that right in kendo lessons, all with your permission of course."
Cody's Mom set him down so the boy could bow to his grandfather. "Our home is your home grandfather, It will be an honor to have you live with us."
"Good." The old man nodded. "That should make it easier to keep an eye on me." He patted Cody's shoulder.
While Cody was talking to his family. Yolei's parents were "having a word with her". Thanks to the understanding Ichijouji parents she didn't wind up in too much trouble, other than a loss of two weeks' allowance and a healthy lecture on how girls should behave in public.
The Inoues joined the Hidas at the graveside for the day's last sad task Now Cody sat in his mother's lap, with her arms around him as his father's body was lowered to its final resting place. Cody Hida reluctantly parted with the physical form of his father. He said goodbye, not as the grown-up he had tried to be, but as the little boy he was. He would miss his Dad for the rest of his own life, but he would one day live up to his father's unfinished work. Cody left not only with his own voice returned, but also with a portion of his father's spirit preserved in that small inner voice that had finally guided him through the hardest day of his young life. .